


DREAMERS

by TORUKAisJUSTICE



Series: [CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR A SERIES TITLE] [2]
Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Alex is a love expert, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Boners, First Times, Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Ryota wants to be an adult quicker, Slice of Life, Taka is fearing for his...manly dignity, Tomoya's smile is bright as the motherfucking sun, Toru is still saying that he's homo-janai, Toruka - Freeform, almost-established-relationship, developing feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-03-02 15:56:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 80
Words: 280,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13321560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TORUKAisJUSTICE/pseuds/TORUKAisJUSTICE
Summary: [COMPLETED]"Yoh! I forgot my baseball…” the grin on the lead guitarist’s face quickly faded as he stared at the sight he came upon—well, I would also probably look like I’ve seen a ghost if I saw our positions—Taka is on all fours, with teary eyes and flushed cheeks while Toru is behind him, holding Taka’s waist—with his hips firmly planted on the vocalist’s…ass.Clothed ass.…Both of the teen’s eyes widened at the awkward, tensed silence that enveloped them—especially Taka who is ready to kick the bucket right there and then because—Getting man-handled by Toru-san isembarrassing enough.Getting man-handled and forced into a rathercompromisingposition by Toru-san in front of Alex is fucking mortifying that he can already feel his ancestors face-palming on his horrible,horribleluck.…“…cap…” the words died down on Alex’s lips as he openly gawked at his band mates—then his eyes almost popped out of his sockets in sheer, utter shock, “What the hell?!”ORHow Toru and Taka deals with raging teenage hormones, unnecessary boners, angst, band pressure, dreams about the future and their developing feelings towards each other.





	1. KANZEN KANKAKU DREAMER

**Author's Note:**

> "Daydreams like an dreamer in complete awareness  
> No matter what anyone declares or backs out of, it has no connection  
> How you said you did it never changes  
> Starting now, I’ll go ahead and crush the walls and darkness"
> 
>  
> 
> Hello again~!
> 
> Sorry to keep you waiting! This is the sequel for A Reason To Keep My Heart Beating and this chapter is so lame ass and anti-climactic because, well, this is literally just the continuation of the previous work. Please don’t raise your expectations because as usual, this will have a shit-ton of typographical errors, grammar mistake, gaping loop holes, inconsistent plots, and nonsense-stuffs. 
> 
>  
> 
> If you’re gonna read this, it is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED to read the first part.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I stake no claims for the ONE OK ROCK Band and while the events and characters in this story are greatly influenced by them, please be reminded that in no way, they will be acting or doing things stated in this work. This is all fictitious. All mistakes and inaccuracies are mine.

Takahiro was kinda expecting to wake up with sore muscles, a massive pounding in his head and with a still painful throat the next day that would definitely make his morning like a _living hell._

So, imagine his surprise when he slowly woke up the next morning feeling relaxed, rejuvenated and calm _as fuck_ despite the burning up and coughing his intestines out last night. _God, you should’ve seen it._

Soft yellow lights filtering from the thin curtains inside his room—making it calmly lit. He slowly rose to a sitting position— _ow, ow my back hurts!—_ and stretched his arms out shamelessly as if he’s in a fucking commercial talking about air beds and their magnificent health benefits or something.

_Damn, if I would wake up like this whenever I sleep beside Toru-san, then maybe I’ll just do it every damn night?!_

…

Wait, but that would also mean that he will have to live with the gachapin faced leader despite rejecting everyone’s attempt to live with him just a few months ago..?

So…may be _not._

_Besides, I don’t want to see his stupid impassive every day of my fucking life, mou!_

Taka inwardly shivered at that thought.

Anyways, he felt so good—maybe because of a whole night sleep ( _okay, maybe not a whole night because I blacked out before remember)_ or maybe because of this sudden feeling of contentment that’s bubbling within his chest.

Just by remembering those words— _those sincere words of promises_ —that were softly spoken by Toru-san last night can make Taka’s cheeks flare like a fucking crimson firework. Toru-san said that he’ll be with Taka no matter what happens in the future—and to be honest, Taka is somewhat confused and weirded-out by the guitarist’s choice of words.

He’s dumb, _yeah_. But not that stupid enough to not notice that those words are not _normally_ spoken to a friend—especially to a male friend that _was lying face-to-cade across you, on a single bed, dammit!_

His mind is already screaming that there’s something suspicious behind Toru-san’s— _dare I say it_ —sweet, reassuring words last night but… but somewhere deep within his heart, he knows— _he’s sure_ —‘that he couldn’t care less.

Toru-san can spout weird and non-sense stuffs from time to time and Taka wouldn’t even bat an eye.

_I mean, he’s already like that—talking and touching me as if he owns me—right from the start, remember?_

So, no, Taka don’t mind it _at all._

And speaking of the rhythm guitarist, Taka glanced at his side—wondering how he even ended up almost on the edge of Toru-san’s side of the bed—hoping to find a blissfully asleep teenager _ONLY TO FIND IT FUCKING EMPTY._

Toru-san’s gone.

_The fu—_

_Where on earth is Toru-san?!_

_So much for being with me no matter what happens,_ Taka snorted and swung his legs only to instantly fall flat on his ass when his vision suddenly got muddled—

What—

He falls on the floor with an embarrassing loud _“OOF!”_

_I thought I’m already fine?!_

Well, that’s definitely not the case as Taka blinked the dizziness away. Maybe he should get a few more hours slip until early—

He glanced at the alarm clock beside the bed, his eyes widening when he realized that it’s already past 12 in the afternoon!

—lunch.

_Wow. So much for sleeping until lunch when it’s already past lunch time!_

No wonder he feels refreshed as fuck when he woke up earlier!

…

Anways, he should really get his ass off the cold floor—because that’s what you do when you fall down, get up and prevent further humiliation if your friends decided to see your pathetic self—but just as he’s gonna push himself up, the door to his room suddenly banged open revealing—

Taka’s eyes instantly snapped towards the figure standing there, his orbs shining in relief, and hope, and a hint of longing, _Toru-sa—_

—an equally surprised Ryota who’s holding a half empty frozen yoghurt that awfully— _suspiciously_ —looks like the one he just bought from the _kombini_ the other day.

“Oh, _shit!_ ” Ryota muttered, his mouth hanging open in shock, “Ah, Mori-chan’s awake!” he bellowed out, making Taka wince.

_What’s with the “oh-shit?!”_

_And how on earth did you even managed to enter my house—_

But even before Taka can lash out loud on the poor bassist who’s quickly turning pale—probably because he’s not expecting the vocalist to be awake to caught him _red-handedly_ eating Taka’s yoghurt— _oh Ryota, once I get off this shitty floor, I’m gonna pull all of your hair from your damn scalp, just you wait_ —sets of padding footsteps where heard from different parts of the house.

To Taka’s horror, Alex and Tomoya came rushing behind Ryota—almost shoving the youngest member on the floor as they squeezed themselves into the doorway—while holding different sets of cooking utensils.

“He’s awake?!” Tomoya’s bright smile shines so much that Taka was even blinded for a moment—seriously, how can he smile like that this early in the _morn—er, afternoon?!_

His eyes landed on the large pair of wooden chopsticks that he’s usually using while cooking.

_And why is he holding my chopsticks?!_

“Damn!” Alex muttered mournfully beside the drummer, “I thought he’s gonna be asleep for days.”

WHAT.

Taka was very, _very r_ eady to explode and give everyone a piece of his mind—and by that he meant screaming his lungs out and cursing everyone up to their ancestors and probably even give a resounding slap to everyone’s face—but the sliding door leading to the balcony slid opened—the glass door shaking so intently that Taka feared it might just shatter into pieces—revealing a heavily disgruntled Toru-san who’s holding his phone a lit cigarette on his either hands.

“What’s wro—,” his eyes scanned the scene before him—Taka sitting on the floor, looking _quite_ murderous, and the trio who’s giving him these open-mouthed shock looks on their faces—, “What the fuck are _you all_ doing here?!”

_Yeah_ , Taka snorted, _but I was supposed to be the one asking that—WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE IN MY HOUSE?!_

“Eh?!” Ryota almost dropped his cup of yoghurt, “Toru-nii?!”

“What are you doing here?!” Tomoya asked the leader, “Aren’t you supposed to be in Osaka when I called you last night?!”

Taka’s eyes snapped towards the rhythm guitarist— _silently asking for confirmation_ —while the said rhythm guitarist, in turn, averted his gaze away— _silently hoping for not having any confrontation at the moment._

“Maybe…” Alex’s deep thoughtful voice sliced the thick tension enveloping the room, “Maybe you were talking to Toru’s doppelganger, Tomoya?”

“Ah!” the drummer’s face brightened up at the half-American’s ridiculous idea, “That might be it!”

_Of course not you idiots,_ Taka scowled, wondering what the fuck is he still doing here on the floor instead of resting on the soft, warm confines of his bed—which still smells like Toru-san, by the way, _not that I sniffed it or something_ —then he realized that no one actually bothers on helping him—no one at all.

Alex and Tomoya are loudly blabbering about aliens and double-shits conspiracies and even Toru-san suddenly got bust on his phone—his cigarette polluting that once pure air inside Taka’s room and Ryota—

“Are you alright, Mori-chan?”

Taka’s head whipped sideways, just realizing that the youngest is now kneeling beside him, and surveying his form with a worried look on his face.

And it…

_It doesn’t suit Ryota at all._

H should be smiling, laughing carelessly like the fool he is, not this— not looking like someone had just _died_ right in front of his very eyes. And somehow, Taka felt bad— _disappointed,_ actually that he’s the reason why Ryota looks so worried and anxious right now.

So he smiled, even if there’s really nothing to be smiling for— _like a parent who’s about to reassure his child that he’s absolutely fine even if he’s feeling really shitty_ —and pat the younger’s shoulder.

“I’m fine,” is what he’s really planning to say but it turns out that he still hasn’t recovered his voice, making his cords sounds like, “I’m—f—ne.”

And then, there’s _silence._

Taka was so damn sure that he’d spoken with an almost whispering voice so imagine his surprise when everyone apparently heard him and instantly fell into a terrible, awkward, hushes silence.

“Wha—,” Ryota’s stuttering pierced the silence, “What happened to your voice, Mori-chan?!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Everyone stared grimly on the equally _grim-looking_ set of food laid over the dining table. Taka’s dining table. Alex and Tomoya were staring on the table with dark, hollow eyes as they leaned over their interlaced fingers. They look like they’ve just seen the most brutal crime scene in the world.

Ryota, on the other hand, probably doesn’t know the implications of Taka’s temporary loss of voice, so he just imitated his elder’s look of pure terror and mourning—which he did rather _poorly_ because he would glance around, giggle at the serious face of Tomoya, then shut his mouth when Toru-san glares at him reprimandingly.

“ _Da-ka-ra_ ,” Toru-san massaged the bridge of his nose, as he sat at the head of the table—like he’s the damn head of the house or something—, “It’s not really permanent. It’s just because of his cold, ne?”

“But,” Alex said, waking up from the somber trance he’s been into, “we have a few lives this week..?”

Taka winced at that.

Of course, he knows that. They’ve just released their first single today and they should be promoting it through lives and radio programs but how can they— _how can he_ —do that, when he’s practically useless ( _and literally speechless_ ) at the moment?

Toru-san probably saw that he sagged helplessly on his seat so he immediately came to his defense, “What do you want him to do?” he asked, his large eyes narrowing into deadly slits, “make him sing even if he’s already like this?”

_Wow._

_Can you please not talk as if I’m not here—_

“Then why didn’t you stop him right from the start?”

“Oh shit—,” Ryota slumped into his chair while Tomoya's smile suddenly went tight at that, “ _Maa,_ Alex—,”

Taka can see the leader’s palm tightening into a fist as he _shamelessly_ glared at the half-American—but even with the murderous eyes and obvious display of hostility, Toru-san didn’t utter _any word_ to defend himself nor to make any excuse.

It’s like he’s still blaming himself for what happened to Taka—and it _somewhat_ hurts—that other people are suffering because of his _stubbornness_ , because of his _stupidity._

“I’ve learned my lesson, Alex-senpai,” Toru-san admitted in a slow, deep tone, “I’ve also informed Gocchan and asked a few more days off. He said it’s fine as long as Taka recovers well, so…” he trailed off, making the atmosphere heavy with unsaid thoughts.

A few _more_ days off.

What are they gonna do during those days?

_Sit around?_

Pray that their single would top the Oricon charts?

How could they stay still if their first— _their debut single_ —was just released, _what,_ just a few hours ago? They should be promoting it, making more people hear about their music instead of looking gloomy and down across each other as if someone just died.

And speaking of a single…

He glanced over the solemn-looking leader. Toru-san looked like shit, kidding aside. It must be because of Taka’s huge relief on seeing him last night that he had failed to notice how _tired_ , how _exhausted_ , how _weary_ the leader looks.

_Must be tough, huh…_

Taka bit the insides of his cheek in guilt. This is his entire fault but what can he do? What has been done is already done and no matter how shitty the situation is, the only right thing to do is to learn the lesson and move forward.

“H—ow…” he awkwardly cleared his throat, earning worried looks from everyone, “ho—bout—sin—le?” he asked, praying that Toru-san is not that dumb to not understand whatever the fuck he’s trying to say.

…

“Wow,” Alex wondered out loud as he leaned forward with an… _amused_ look on his damn _ikemen_ face, “You really lost your voice, huh, Mori-chan?”

_What about it?_

Taka raised an inquisitive brow, especially when an annoying grin quickly formed on the half-American’s face, “Does that mean that we’ll be spending our week without your constant _bitching_ , eh, Mori-chan?”

Toru-san and Tomoya gasped in unison at the rather blunt comment. It’s clear that the lead guitarist _doesn’t give any shit_ about his life nor his pretty face because he’s obviously asking for a fight or a _proper beating._

_Oh you motherfu—_

Taka gripped his chopsticks a bit too tightly, with every fiber of his being screaming to just lunge at Alex and stab his eyes out—

“O-oi—!” Toru-san stammered nervously, “S-sit down—,”

_Shut the fuck up, Toru-san—_

“Calm down, Taka-chan—,”

_You too,_ he glared at the drummer who instantly whimpered like an obedient little puppy on his seat, _or I’ll also stab you to death—_

“ _Matte_ , Mori-chan!”

“Gah!”

Taka yelped in shock when the bassist suddenly clutched his sweater and forced him to sit down again. WHAT.

His mind was too shocked that the usually scared and timid Ryota had just practically shoved him down that he just gawked at him—like the other three ho’s also looking at Ryota with half-confusion, half-worry and a bit of sympathy for the bassist.

Ryota, after a moment of silence, probably realized what he had just done and that his life is _definitely_ in danger, “E-eh _?! C-chotto matte_ , I didn’t mean to do that, Mori-chan! E-eh?!”

_Then, what do you mean by man-handling me, you moron?!_

“You just look so murderous and I’m scared that we’ll lose another member if you’ll kill Alex-senpai,” he mumbled, fidgeting on his seat. He can hear Tomoya cooing and saying _“awww~!”_ in the background, “It’ll be a huge pain in the ass to find and recruit another member, ne?”

“What,” Alex gasped at that, “You’re only concerned about _that_?! How cruel! Why is everyone so cruel to me?!”

Said everyone decided to ignore the drama so Ryota shyly pushed a bowl of largely chopped radish floating on a sea of— _wait, what was that_ —yellowish liquid that suspiciously looks like Taka’s cooking oil.

“Here, Mori-chan,” Ryota said in a soft voice, “My mom always prepare grated radish drizzled with honey to sooth my throat whenever I have cold,” he explained, his cheeks starting to burn red from embarrassment.

Taka…

Taka could easily smile in gratefulness because who would have thought that this caring young man was the same Ryota who couldn’t even talk to him for _months?_ The same Ryota who’s always following Toru-san around, hiding behind his beloved Toru-nii and was furiously glaring at Taka the first time they’ve met a year ago?

He really _should_ be thankful that the bassist is going all out to show that he cares for the vocalist _BUT_ Taka took a good look at the bowl, noticing that the radish is obviously _NOT_ grated but chopped like potatoes for curry— _how the fuck would these fit into my throat, you dumbass_ —and that the radish are not drizzled but practically _DROWNED_ with honey— _do you want to make my sore throat worse with over-sweetness mou!_

He really should teach this useless kids on how to cook—or even just chop the ingredients because they would surely _die or kill someone_ else with their disastrous _, almost non-existent_ cooking skills.

His disgust was probably written all over his flushed face making the bassist instantly recoil, his lips frowning when Mori-chan eyed the bowl as if it personally offends him.

“Eh…” he sadly drawled, his hand slowly pulling the bowl away from the obviously irritated vocalist, “Y-you don’t like it, Mori-chan..?”

Ryota, then, gave him this wide, glassy eyes and pouting look that squeezes Taka’s heart painfully. What the fuck. He knows— _he’s painfully aware_ that Tomoya and Ryota can pull off the most pitiful looks that will melt everyone’s heart— _well, aside from Toru-san because, you know, he’s got a stone for a heart—_

His throat clenched painfully at the dejected look on the youngest’s face and despite being a _self-confessed_ asshole, Taka can still feel like a horrible, terrible, _waste-of-oxygen-human-being_ by rejecting the bassist’s offer.

“ _Aho_ ,” he muttered, snatching the bowl away, “Is not d—ne—li—is.” He said, his voice skipping a few syllables as he stood up with his wobbly legs to go to the kitchen and fix the…abomination of a food that Ryota had prepared for him, “Ari—to…” he mumbled, ignoring how everyone exchanged shock gazes before smiling—especially at the blushing youngest member of the band—as if they’ve just discovered a shit-ton of treasure.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka’s voice gradually went back—as well as his health—until he can finally scream without the pain in his throat. And he discovered that he had finally— _fucking finally_ —fully recovered in a rather…painful way.

It was on the fourth day of their day-off and Taka— _as usual_ —is listening to Western music when the door suddenly opened, revealing three overly-enthusiastic teenagers who doesn’t look a bit apologetic for _, you know,_ barging into his unit without even knocking or asking permission first—

“What…” he started as he slowly gets nervous especially when everyone grinned down at him. Taka knows that he really should be _concerned for his life_ because everyone looks like they’ve just taken drugs and/or smoked pots somewhere while looking at Taka like _man-eating dinosaurs._

“We heard that it’s your birthday last, last week, Mori-chan!” Alex gleefully declared.

WHAT.

_You heard?_

_Where did you even heard—_

“And you went to a cake shop but you didn’t even invite us, mou!” Tomoya grumbled while hiding behind the tall lead guitarist. That made Taka’s eyes grew like fucking saucers as he instantly realized where— _or rather, from whom_ —did they’ve heard that—

_Oh, Toru-san_ , he inwardly thought, as he thinks of the good, _good_ ways to torture that gachapin-faced guitarist, _you’re so gonna be dead after this_!

“So we decided to throw a party for you!” Ryota shrieked as he suddenly fling a shit-ton of confetti that he probably hid from his fist all these times, “Belated Happy Birthday, Mori-chan!”

“Omedeto!”

“Omedeto, Taka-chan!”

Taka watched in horror as the pieces of colored papers landed on his floor. He had just cleaned it a while ago, dammit! He just hope that Ryota would fucking pick all of those shitty pieces or _I’ll shove them down his throat dammit!_

He was about to roar about the mess (and the noise because the three wouldn’t stop screaming their greetings for Taka) when a small cake magically appeared on Alex’s hands— _wait, where did you even get that?!_

And to Taka’s bewilderment, the candle on top of the strawberry cake is already lit!

_The fuck?!_

How did they even hid that cake, with a lighted candle all these times?!

“Yay!!!” Tomoya cheered, grinning and clapping his hands as if he’s the one who’s celebrating his birthday, “Happy birthday, Taka-chan! Let’s now eat the cake!”

“Not yet, you idiot!” Alex, for once, snapped before glancing at Taka as if he’s beckoning him to come closer, “Come here and blow the candles, Mori-chan~!”

“I…” Ryota let out a nervous, strangled sound at that, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Alex-senpai…”

“I think it’s a good idea so we can eat sooner,” Tomoya helpfully said—causing a small argument between the two most energetic members of the band. It’s not even noon and he’s already starting to feel worse because of the noise so just to shut up he two, he casually padded towards the three members.

He halted, just before the half-American and raised an “What-now” kind of look. Alex shrugged, “Blow the candles, Mori-chan!”

And so he did.

The three then erupted into greeting and giving him manly hugs and Taka was actually, slightly, touched by their efforts to discover and prepare something for his birthday— _even_ if it’s more than half a month late. And _even_ Taka preferred to keep his birthday a secret for a while longer. And _even_ if the cake is so small compared to the one he bought for Toru-san last year.

_I mean, did Alex did this on purpose to mock my height or WHAT—_

But he guessed it doesn’t matter anymore since it’s the thought that counts anyway. So, instead of blasting everyone’s eardrums with his rough voice, he just smiled at them— _gratefully—_ and was about to say that he’ll treat everyone to _yakiniku—except for you, Toru-san because I’m still not forgiving you for telling out my birthday_ —because he’s nice and all, but then, his eyes snapped downwards—on the floor, where the pieces of papers were scattered like fuck.

The papers were not actually cut in uniform sizes hence why some pieces are larger than the others making it easier to recognize the prints on the glossy paper—

Which disturbingly looks like one of Taka’s _favorite_ porn magazine.

And to confirm his suspicions, Ryota visibly jumped in fear, shaking his head furiously as if he did a naughty thing and is now getting _scared-shitless_ of a spanking from his mother.

“M-mori-chan, I—,”

Takahiro breathed through his nose, trying to calm his shits because this is _just_ a magazine and because he’s a mature adult with _complete control_ over his emotions and wouldn’t go berserk just because—

_BUT THIS IS MY FAVORITE LIMITED EDITION MAGAZINE—_

—fuck it!

“YOU’RE SO GONNA BE DEAD, RYOTAAAA!!!” he screamed at the top of his lungs before pouncing on the shrieking bassist.

“Ah?! _Matte, matte!_ Mori-chan— _ack_!”

 

 

 


	2. NAIHI SHINSHO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youthful hopes.
> 
>  
> 
> "I just keep it inside, because inside this world  
> I got something to hide, something to hide, I'm scared every day  
> I just keep it inside, keep it inside, I don't even want to be involved  
> I got something to hide, but never put it aside, be aware of this feeling"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I'm back with short chapters again~! I need more time to type what I've written so please forgive these pathetically short-ass chapters!
> 
> Anyways, the Asian Tour is coming! I'm getting nervous and excited and shitty all the same time! And I will be going alooooone. I probably have to ditch the office works, na? Everything for the booooys LOL
> 
> Disclaimers: OOR is not mine. All mistakes are mine.

They were in Shibuya wandering aimlessly just to kill time before their live performance for tonight when a familiar song rang through Toru’s ears. They were walking in a straight line— _which is weird, no matter how you look at it—_ with Toru in front, followed by Taka who’s busy looking at the shops around; followed by Tomoya who’s busy slurping a popsicle, then Ryota and Alex in his rear, loudly talking about their upcoming baseball game.

They were all lost in their respective little worlds, so when Toru suddenly halted his steps—

“ _The fu—_ ,” Taka screeched behind him, his voice muffled by Toru’s clothes where his face just dove into; and much to the vocalist’s horror, his misfortune didn’t just ended there because just as he’s gonna scream bloody murder at their leader for abruptly stopping, he suddenly felt a cold, _sticky_ substance in his hair.

“Ack!” he heard Tomoya screamed behind him as he slowly— _oh-so-slowly_ —turned around, “Why did you suddenly stopped, Taka-chan?!”

_Are you blaming me for—_

Taka’s eyes widened in horror and disgust as he realized that the Popsicle the drummer was eating just a few moments ago is probably—no, _definitely_ —sticking onto his hair right now!

“Oh you damned—,”

Tomoya jumped back in fear, shoving the two baseball freaks to escape alive from the clutch of their murderous vocalist.

“Careful!”

“What’s happening, Tomo-kun?!”

But even before Taka can explode like a motherfucking volcano, Toru-san was instantly behind him— _how did you even managed to teleport there_ —clamping his large, warm hand over Taka’s mouth—effectively shutting him up to prevent gathering more attention.

“Shut up for a moment, Taka,” the leader said, ignoring four sets of wide and shocked eyes as they eyed the rather compromising situation of the two.

_Shut up?!_

_For a moment?!_

Taka’s first instinct was to Bite the damn hand off and flip Toru-san a middle finger because no matter how close they’ve gotten these past few days, that doesn’t mean that the leader have the _rights_ to man-handle him like that in the streets, no less—but then, he suddenly felt Toru-san’s other hand on his waist—gently squeezing the flesh tenderly as if he’s silently apologizing, telling Taka to just go with the flow and that no blood would be spilled if he would just _fucking shut up._

 _I haven’t even started!_ His mind complained but obeyed nonetheless because Toru-san is a force to reckon with. If he won’t shut up, the leader would definitely do anything— _even if he has to stuff fresh grass into Taka’s mouth_ —just to make him still and quiet.

So he just stayed _silent._

Besides, that brief moment of silence allowed him—all of them—to listen to the music that’s currently playing somewhere near them.

The riffs, the bass, the beats are _familiar_ —as well as the voice reverberating—filling the streets with the upbeat music and lines of Naihi Shinsho.

“Eh?!” Ryota said, his brows knitted together in confusion as he strained his ears to properly listen at the song playing, “That sounds like… like _Naihi Shinsho_!”

“Well, that’s because _it’s_ Naihi Shinsho!” Alex’s face broke into the biggest grin he’d ever seen on the lead guitarist’s face, “It’s playing! It’s playing here!”

_Well, thank you for stating the obvious, you idiots!_

“Isn’t this great?” he heard Toru-san speak lowly behind him—making Taka feel a shiver running down his spine—as he finally let go of the vocalist.

Taka almost— _almost_ —whined at the loss of warmth on his back but he’s not gonna say that aloud for fuck’s sake. Besides, his brain is rather busy processing the implications of having their songs played here in Shibuya.

They’re heads whipped to every direction, searching for the source of the music. They were doing a poor job at it considering that there’s a shit-ton of people roaming in the streets. Especially Taka who is still flinching when he meets the eyes of several _gyaru’_ s standing on the sidewalk just a street across them.

_Why are they staring at me—_

“Ah, found it!” Tomoya cheered in triumph as he pointed to the LCD screens in Center Gai—where the PV for Naihi Shinsho is currently playing, showing the band— _and to Taka’s horror_ —his face all over the crowded street.

_Wow._

_Toru-san’s not kidding when he said that I have baby fats in my cheeks huh—_

“Mori-chan’s face is all I can see!” Alex crossed his arms over his chest like a petulant kid who’s been denied of having candies, “Why’s that, huh?! Why is my face only shown a few times?!”

“And it’s also covered by your bangs, Alex-senpai,” Ryota nodded, making the tall half-American to pout.

“At least I’m not rotting in the background like our leader-sama here,” he grimaced, jerking a thumb towards the rhythm guitarist.

“That’s a given, Alex-senpai,” he said with his usual impassive face, “I’m just the rhythm guitarist, remember? Besides, it’s better than having _close-up shots_ of my face in the fucking screen, ne?” he smirked, throwing a teasing glance at the vocalist.

He gawked at him, “How dare you, Toru-san?!” he gasped, “It’s not my fault that the camera is always focusing on my damn face _! It’s not like I even want it!”_

“Ehhh…but you look like you’re enjoying yourself, Taka-chan?” Tomoya tilted his head as they watched as the camera panned from one member to another. They all have long fringe covering almost their entire faces, well, with the exception of Takahiro since his hair is still shortly cropped—revealing his _not-so-chubby cheeks_ in all of its glory, “You even wore a shit-ton of jewelries. I think you’ll get mobbed if you wear those rings in the streets, you know?”

“What—,”

“You should’ve seen him when he first came to the studio, Tomo,” Alex said making Ryota nod earnestly beside the half-American, “He’s gleaming with his clothes and accessories!”

“Eh?!”

Taka felt his face heat up at that. Why are they even talking about his fashion sense, huh?!

“Why are you even bringing that up, mou?!”

“You even painted your nails black,” Toru-san said, as if he’s really intent on discussing the vocalist’s fashion sense, making Taka glare at him because _what the hell, Toru-san? Why are you siding with that dumb glutton, huh?! You’re supposed to choose my side! Me! Only me—_

_Whoah, whoah, whoah._

That’s a shitty line, huh?

_Where did that even came from?!_

Taka shook his head to clear it from the disgusting thoughts that’s suddenly popping here and there. Black nails are _emo_ fashion style, right? But it looks crap on Taka’s _sausage-like_ fingers. He’s cringing at the sight, himself, so after seeing the PV for the first time weeks ago, he immediately scrubbed the nail paint like he’s scrubbing mud off his body.

 “Your point, Toru-san?”

“Go on a diet for the next PV— _matte, matte, matte_!” he retreated like a fucking coward when Taka raise his hand as if he’s gonna throw his phone on his damn face.

“You go to a fucking nutritionist, _you skinny pole_!”

“Says the _walking sausage_ —,”

“Here they go again,” Ryota mumbled before looking back on the LCD screen. Alex and Tomoya did the same, ignoring how their leader runs for his life with a murderous vocalist stalking just behind him. They we’re running in circles, causing some bumping here and there.

“They should just get a room, dammit,” Alex muttered.

“Say that aloud and Taka-chan would kick your ass,” Tomoya softly said, _smiling_ , without taking his eyes off the screen. The song is almost ending when Taka and Toru realized that they could be arrested— _again_ —for causing public disturbances. Actually, Taka stopped chasing after the guitarist because running isn’t his forte these days— _but he ran like a fucking Olympic runner back when Toru-=san was stalking him like crazy_ —because, well, it’s hard to move with his body nowadays.

_Not that I’m fat!_

_I’m not fat!_ His mind defended to no one in particular. Great. Now he’s talking to himself. _Fucking hell._

He sighed and looked up at the screen. The PV had ended but he still can’t move his gaze away from it. Of course, it wasn’t their first time seeing the PV. It’s just that seeing it on large LCD screens in Shibuya is a different matter. Taka can’t really recall anything from the shooting, except that he’s embarrassed to death in front of the camera. They’ve done that for Keep IT Real, but still, this is their _debut single_. Sooner or later, people would recognize him as— _what did Tomoya called me again, last time?_ —phantom-ninth-member-of-NEWS-who-disappeared-like-Pluto. And the eldest child of Mori Shinichi and Mori Masako.

But despite those _doubts_ , those fears _bubbling_ within his chest, he can’t still help himself from feeling a bit… _hopeful._

_Excited._

_Fired up._

_Confident._

He doesn’t want to think ahead and assume things but he’s feeling that this is the start of a steady rise of their career. They’re not some _typical local bland_ playing in the underground scenes anymore. They’re not a bunch of _pretty-faced kids_ who could just play instruments anymore. They’re not some kind of _garage band_ in the neighborhood anymore because finally—Taka can finally hear the song they’ve made, hear the lyrics they’ve composed in huge speakers and that— _that fact alone_ —made his heart swell in happiness.

It’s a different kind of happiness from the one he felt while performing in front of the cameras in his younger years—it was the kind of happiness that was so _raw_ , so _pure_ and _simple_ and that make him hope for a brighter future.

This is their best song—he’s quite confident of that—and just by listening to it, while wondering if anyone aside from them is also listening and is captivated by their music, Taka can already see himself— _their band_ —performing in _huge places, in arenas, in festivals…_

“I wonder how we placed in Oricon?” Tomoya wondered out loud, abruptly pulling Taka from his dazed state, “The results should be out by now, ne?”

“I bet we placed at Top 10!” Alex confidently said, making Taka wanted to believe that. Well, modesty aside, he’s quite sure that their debut single would really land on the highest spot. Seriously.

“Maybe, we’re the top one?!” Ryota said, making Tomoya and Alex gasped in bewilderment. They look stupid like that—with their mouths hanging open so Taka just turned his attention to the rhythm guitarist who’s grinning like crazy at his band mate’s antics.

Toru-san still looked like he’s glaring at everything— _but that’s just his usual dead-eyed face_ —and Taka can still see, feel that their leader is ecstatic—happy—at their thoughts, no matter how presumptuous they are.

“ _Maa,_ ” Taka finally said, crossing his arms over his chest as everyone glanced at him with interest, “Why don’t we ask Gocchan for the results? You know, just to make sure?”

_Make sure of what?_

Everyone stared at him with open-mouthed astonishment as if Taka just delivered the cure to cancer or something because everyone is eyeing him quite _reverently_ —

“You’re a genius, Mori-chan!”

“Yeah!” Toru-san nodded, making Taka’s ego inflate like a _motherfucking hot air balloon_ , “Call him now!”

The huge grin on Taka’s lips instantly froze at that as he scowled at the tall guitarist, “Eh? Who says that I’m gonna call him?”

“Who do you want to call him then?” Toru-san gruffly adjusted the strap of his guitar case, “Me?”

“Well, you’re the leader!” Taka smartly pointed out, earning nods of approval from the other three, “Aren’t you, leader-sama?” he asked, in a sickly sweet voice while batting his eyelashes and smiling cheekily up at Toru-san.

The rhythm guitarist dumbly stared at his face—Taka noting how those heavily-lidded eyes shamelessly roamed over his entire face, making Taka slightly fear for his life because _why the fuck is Toru-san looking at me like that?! Does he want to strangle or punch my face for calling him leader-sama?!_

Maybe he should start formulating an escape route, na? Just in case that the rhythm guitarist would, _you know,_ reach his limit and decided to kick Taka’s ass for real this time.

“Mori-chan has a point there, leader-sama,” Alex said as he rubbed the stubble that’s starting to grow on his otherwise baby smooth chin, “Please call Gocchan on our behalf!”

“Call Gocchan!” Ryota and Tomoya chanted as they jumped around like hyperactive monkeys, “Call Gocchan!”

Toru-san looks like he’s about to throttle everyone but since he’s a matured barely- _adult_ leader, he just sighed— _deeply_ —before he fished out his phone and flipped it open. Everyone watched like hawks in excitement as he dialed their manager’s number and wait for him to pick up the call. After a full, _agonizing_ minute, Gocchan finally answered—making Toru-san sighed in relief, “Hello, Gocchan? Hai, I was just wondering…how did we placed in the Oricon charts?”

Everyone was practically _bouncing_ on their feet, anxiously waiting for the manager’s reply even if they’re quite confident that they’ll rank high. So, imagine their surprise when Toru-san’s eyes went wide, the smile on his thin lips fell as he glanced at Taka—silently asking on WHAT SHOULD I DO?!—before looking at the phone, nodding at something the manager is talking about, “ _T-te?!_ ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH GOD I WAS LAUGHING WHEN I WATCHED THE NAIHI SHINSHO PV. They're so youuuuung!
> 
> -All of the descriptions of their PV's are real. You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbfPx_HNKNA or to any other sites. It's just the first thing that google came up with.
> 
> -Their PV's playing in Center Gai or Senta-gai is legit.
> 
> -Taka's feelings about their overwhelming confidence and hopes for their band upon releasing their debut single was real. It was mentioned in ryeon's translations.
> 
> -Their place in Oricon Charts was legit.
> 
> -What's with those looks, Toru-san?!
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments/suggestions/constructive criticisms are all appreciated~!


	3. Kako Wa Kyoukasho Ni Mirai Wa Shukudai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Oricon Chart.
> 
>  
> 
> "let's walk on now, let's walk on  
> the tears of sadness, the extra tears,   
> let's banish them, let's banish them"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wush~! Ah, this chapter sucks because it's so short and filled of Taka's inward thoughts. God.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

_We’re done for._

Takahiro morbidly thought as he rumpled his face with the palms of both of his hands. They are currently back into his unit, gathering around his dining table with the same look of worry, fear, and loss plastered on their faces.

The live was long over.

It _wasn’t_ their best performance but considering the series of fucked up lives because of Taka’s dwindling health last week—it was obviously getting better. Plus, their audience somewhat increases after the release of their debut single just a few days ago. The girls wearing make ups and high heels are slowly increasing, as well as the male audience in the live houses.

Ryota even said that he saw some blonde, foreign girls among the crowd but it’s just probably the bassist’s _hopeful delusions_ so Taka merely shrugged it off.

How could foreigners know about them when they couldn’t even top the Oricon chart?

_Heck, we couldn’t even made it to the top 10!_

They placed at the 48th spot.

_48!_

No wonder why they suddenly went timid upon hearing it directly from Gocchan. They all felt their vibrant, enthusiastic spirits _cruelly_ crushed with that single news. It’s like somewhat died. Or more like, their future and career in the mainstream music industry just _died, flipped out, kicked the bucket_ —burst like a motherfucking bubble.

_48!_

Especially Taka, who knows that they’ve given their very best for the single—all their knowledge about music, all their skills in playing the instruments and all Taka can give through his vocals.

The management even launched a series of lives to promote them, Gocchan brought the single to Shibuya to be made as theme songs for television programs—and even after doing their best in their each and every performance—even after Taka _almost die_ just not to falter—

Well, he’s obviously exaggerating on that part because he’s far from dying—just attacked with _overwhelming anxiety and gnawing inferiority_ which made him clinging like a motherfucking _koala_ to Toru-san.

—they merely placed 48th in the list. Just two more and their single wouldn’t even be charted despite all the tremendous efforts they’ve made.

_We’re doomed_ , his mind grimly reminded him for god-knows-how-many-times-already that night, _we’re done for._

Even if…

Even if Taka is quite confident with his comforting skills, he can’t still help himself from craving for reassurance from their leader. He might have been constantly making fun of their leader-sama, but in reality, he knows that every one of them— _the entire band_ —would crumble like a fucking sand castle if Toru-san is not there.

He’s the core—their rock, the sturdy pillar that carries all of them—their leader.

But…

But just subtly glancing at Toru-san—who’s been eyeing Taka’s dining table with a solemn, forlorn look on his face like his mourning or having constipation or _something_ —Taka can instantly realized that it’s now up to him to cheer everyone up.

Or Toru-san would take all the responsibilities and burden for himself again.

So, it’s not like Taka really had the choice. _That_ or he’ll witness how their mighty leader would falter right in front of his eyes again.

_I don’t want that…_

Taka bit the inside of his cheek as he wracked his poor brain for a good script to lift everyone’s spirits up. Damn, he spent most of his life getting coddled and comforted— _really, Toru-san, you’ve been spoiling me_ —so he really knows shit about comforting someone.

Make that _four_ , and Taka almost loses his shit.

“ _M-maa_ ,” he awkwardly cleared his throat, earning everyone’s attention, “That…”

_Think of a good statement! Use your damn brain even just for this once_ —

“…sucks.”

…

Wow.

What a _dazzling_ start.

_So much for thinking a good, motivating statement._

Everyone dumbly stared at him as if they’ve been expecting Taka to say more or do something entertaining. Or maybe they’re wondering why the fuck did Taka have to _slap_ that horrible truth on their silly, forlorn faces again and again.

Huh…

“I…I mean, we’ve always been disappointed ever since we started performing, right?” he inwardly winced as he realized that instead of cheering, he’s probably actually _dampening_ the moods of his band mates, “So, let’s just think this as one of those times and move forward like what we’ve been doing all these time, ne?” he smiled hopefully as regarded everyone’s unsure faces, “Nee?”

…

No one answered him, because the four decided that it’s more fun to stare at the remaining slice of pizza on the table rather than responding to the vocalist.

It’s annoying as hell but what can he do? He doesn’t have the _allure_ of the slice of pizza. That, or his band mates are not really convinced with his pathetic attempt on lifting their spirits or something.

_Well_ , Taka snorted as he leaned back on his seat, _at least I fucking tried!_           

_Jesus Christ, why did it has to be this hard?! Is this what Toru-san always feels whenever he’s forcing us to perform properly?_

He knows that he really should exert more effort and act more enthusiastic but everyone is sad, his porn magazines are already outdated and he’s running out of food for his fishes. And let’s not forget the fact that he _might_ have said that _aloud_ because everyone is now staring at him, all of them were momentarily speechless—probably because he’s thinking of porn magazines when everyone is losing their minds over some damn charts.

So he instantly went on _defense._

_Well, porn magazines are essential for me!_

_How do you think did he survived without a girlfriend since he was kicked out of NEWS huh?!_

_It’s all thanks to those magazines!_

_And erotic websites all over the internet!_

…

Anyways, back to the matter at hand. Everyone is still staring at him. They looked like lost little puppies— _bewildered and scared_ —as if their mother had just _passed away_. Then it hits Taka like a fucking 16-wheeler truck as his mind instantly realized the shitty situation he’s currently into.

His mind suddenly told him what to do. Like some motherfucking teacher or mentor.

Be a mother— _wait, that didn’t sounds right_ —a father, or what the fuck ever. Really.

Be strong, patient, certain, confident.

Take control.

_Run the family._

Be all the things that Toru-san has been, until he made the damn phone call to Gocchan earlier.

“Listen, guys,” he started suddenly feeling fired up for no reason at all, “There’s no reason to panic. It’s not a disaster, _not yet_ ,” he said while glaring when everyone doesn’t seem to believe him, “As shitty as this seems— _and even if I think that we’re totally doomed_ —I know that this will be fixed—that we will set this right.”

“Sure,” Toru-san— _disturbingly instantly_ , like those were the words he has been waiting to hear since the beginning of their impromptu meeting over Taka’s dining table—nodded, earning a dirty finger from the vocalist, “Eh?! Am I not supposed to agree with you?!”

Taka ignored the asshole and faced the skeptical looks of the other members, “I’m saying that even if  we didn’t made it to the top this time, we’ll still sell—the album will still sell like what we did with Zumania and now in aer-born, ne? We’re gonad do every fucking thing to make it better, ne? ne?”

Still, no one answered and Taka is getting slightly irritated and bitchy so he decided to kick the rhythm guitarist’s shin under the table. Said guitarist yelped in pain as he automatically glared at Taka as if he’s _sure_ that it was really the vocalist who kicked him.

So, naturally, Taka glared back _, A little help here Toru-san?!_

Their minds are probably becoming one because the guitarist huffed, before casting a disappointed look at everyone, “Taka is right. We would not let this bring us down. Besides, Gocchan had said that we’ll be doing interviews and more lives and even radio guesting’s so let’s calm down, ne?”

Calm down, he said.

_I wished you’ve said that right from the start, aho!_

“Eh?!” Ryota suddenly jerked out from his trance-like state, “Radio guesting’s?! Like talking over the radio?!”

Leave it to Ryota to state the _fucking obvious_ again.

“I don’t want that,” he whined, looking down on his sleeves, “I’m dumb and will probably just stay silent the whole air time!”

“We’ll leave it to Toru and Mori-chan,” Alex smiled—a small, strained smile forming on his lips, “They’ll do that for us, ne, leader-sama?”

“What the fu—,”

“Don’t call me that!”

“ _Maa, maa_ ,” Tomoya said, his eyes eyeing the remaining slice of pizza with great interest, “It’s because you tow are best in expressing our thoughts so you should be the ones to represent us, ne?”

Taka must admit that the drummer has a point, no matter how annoying it is, “Well…”

“But why include me?” Toru-san asked, pointing at himself while Taka felt like he’s been just _betrayed_ and that he wants to strangle the leader for practically selling him out.

“What the hell, Toru-san?!” he gasped in disbelief.

“I mean, you’re the front man, right?” the gachapin faced explained, “so you should be the one speaking for us,” he briefly said as if it explained every damn thing.

“Who says I’m the front man—,”

“Well, aren’t you the vocalist, Mori-chan?” Ryota asked in a matter-of-fatly tone, “Chester is the front man because he’s the vocalist, right?”

Why is Ryota talking about Chester-san as if they’re close friends, huh?! Didn’t he know how to respect his elders?!

“But—,”

“Mou!” Alex slapped his palms over the table, making everyone lean back on their seat because they’re all aware that _shits are about to hit the fan_ whenever Alex is looking like that, “Stop bitching around, Mori-chan. Aren’t you glad to have more air time with our leader-sama here?!”

“WHAT.”

Toru-san then started violently coughing as if his intestines and other internal organs are crawling up to his throat.

Taka’s mouth formed a thin line in an attempt to look and act chill. He’s glad that everyone is acting near to normal but that doesn’t mean that he’ll allow Alex to spout weird things about him and Toru-san. Ryota— _the ever-perceptive Ryota_ —probably noticed the thick, suffocating tension and aura of distress practically rolling out of Taka—waves after waves—so he immediately attempts to placate everyone by trying to change the topic.

“So, what should we do now, Toru-nii?” he asked, glancing at the leader who just finished hacking out his intestines.

“What?” the rhythm guitarist looked up in confusion. It looks like he had momentarily forgot the predicament they’re into because he’s too focused on **_not_** puking out his guts on Taka’s table.

“I think…” Tomoya suddenly said with a serious look on his face, “I think we should decide on who would eat the last slice of pizza,” he nodded _, looking proud and satisfied_ with his irrelevant comment before staring at the slice with _determination_ —making the room plunge into a long, dreadful silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Naihi Shinsho indeed placed at the 48th spot during its release, selling about 15, 000 copies. Just imagine the band's reaction to that. But hey, they're just starting and being disappointed obviously fired them up in the long run, na?
> 
> -It was used as theme songs for "Super Chample", "Itadaki Massuru!" and "Ranncyuu". These are all television programs, I guess? I was actually shocked about this... so their music was already used in TV that early, huh? Anyways, this is from the OOR wikia fanpage. 
> 
> -Zumania was the indie-label they've been affiliated during their indies-era. The ONE OK ROCK and Keep IT Real mini-albums were released under this label. Apparently, Zumania was a subsidiary of Amuse, so when the mini-albums were released and sold well, they also somewhat made it into the overseas market. That's why during around mid-2007's, there are already foreign girls who went to their live, particularly in the Shibuya O-Crest. Anyways, after signing with Amuse, they've been with aer-born then to A-sketch when they released Kanzen Kankaku Dreamer. Huuuh...so that's why I always see the aer-born/a-sketch on their early PV's huh...You can found the info here: http://untestsubject.tumblr.com/tagged/one-ok-rock-factsheet.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading~! Your feedbacks are all well-appreciated!


	4. BORDERLINE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misunderstandings.
> 
>  
> 
> "I didn't know much about love and happiness   
> I didn't know much about hope and fondness   
> I felt it necessary to live awake   
> To find out how much you are worth how much love and believe in the truth"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay~! 
> 
> The setlist in Ambitions Tour in Bangkok was SO MUCH FUCKING LIT AND ALL. Gahd.
> 
> Here's another chapter!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue me.

Taka huffed and watched in brooding silence as everyone filtered out of his unit.

“See you when I see you, Mori-chan~!” Alex cheerfully said which was answered by a huge scowl on the vocalist’s face. Tomoya slowly walked out, pouting and casting apologetic look at Taka— _even if he’s the one who recently got a beating_ for ruining Taka’s mood earlier. He was followed by a worried Ryota, who’s fussing like how a younger brother would.

“ _Mou_ ,” he reprimanded, “You really should stop asking for a beating, Tomo-kun…”

“But the _pizza_ …”

“Mori-chan will surely kick your ass one of these days, Tomo-kun…”

“Hai…”

_Damn right._

Toru-san was the last one to leave his _genkan_. Well, _about_ to leave because while Taka is watching the younger teen pull on his shoes, he suddenly had this strange urge to stop the guitarist from leaving.

_For what?_

It’s _not l_ ike Taka is suddenly feeling lonely to spend the night alone and it’s not like he’s counting on Toru-san's promises just a few days ago.

That he will stay at Taka’s side _no matter_ what happens.

“Maybe you should ban Tomoya from going here for the mean time,” he heard Toru-san saying but Taka is too busy on debating his next actions, “I mean, you’re really spoiling him with food, so…”

Taka nodded in auto-pilot as the guitarist straightened up and stared at him expectantly, “So, we’ll be going now. Lock your doors, ne?”

_Don’t… don’t leave…_

Once again, Taka nodded as he furiously glared at the innocent floor. He’s not _this_ clingy before—well, he admits that he usually craves for attention and love—but never like this. It feels weird because his chest is clenching painfully just with the thought that he’ll be alone with his own destructive thoughts the entire night, again.

He needs _someone_ to be there for him.

“Taka?”

He needs…

“Are you alright?”

_Toru-san._

_I need…_

A strong hand suddenly gripped his shoulder—making him flinch and snapped his wide, glassy eyes towards the guitarist. He can feel his throat constrict when Toru-san stared down at him with deep, understanding eyes. Like he knows whatever’s going on in his mind. And that he knows how to deal with it, like he usually does; but this time, the leader didn’t asked whether he’s alright or not— _Toru-san’s probably an expert in reading my emotions now_ —instead, he just sighed, squeezing Taka’s shoulder tenderly.

“Go back to your room,” he softly commanded, “I’ll talk to Ryota. He can go home by himself for tonight so I can stay, ne?”

“W-what—,”

“I’ll be back,” he reassured Taka—speaking the words he’s been dying to hear, “We’ll talk afterwards, ne?”

There’s nothing to talk about, aho, Taka wanted to say but he merely nodded and Toru-san took that as an affirmation before he disappeared beyond Taka’s door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He was anxiously biting his nails off, plopped on the couch in his living room when the guitarist came back. He couldn’t understand why he’s constantly requiring Toru-san’s presence beside him. He’s dumb so he really shouldn't torture his poor brain cells to think of a good reason.

That’s why he decided to shyly— _shyly? Seriously, Takahiro? When did you even start to get shy, you_ —looked up at Toru-san who casually sat beside him.

“They’re gone?” he asked, almost whispering as he takes a good look on their leader’s face. His eyes are deeper, the dark circles around them increased as days passed by and his hair is also somewhat getting longer.

“Yeah,” he grunted, leaning on the backrest as he glanced back at Taka with wide, curious eyes, “So, are we gonna talk or what?”

“Talk about _what_?” he spat.

Well, despite craving for Toru-san’s presence, he still acts like a _moody little shit,_ huh?

“About why you look like you’re about to cry earlier,” Taka snorted when a smug, loop-sided grin formed over the guitarist’s face, “Seriously, if you’ll gonna miss me, just ask me to stay, alright?”

“No,” he bluntly said, “Because I’m not gonna miss you, _you assuming bastard_!”

Toru-san raised a disbelieving brow at that, “Oh yeah? But didn’t you said in my graduation day that you’ll miss me—,”

“Gah! I didn’t say that!” Taka screeched, his entire face heating up in an alarming rate as he kneeled on the cushions just to weakly punch the now-chuckling guitarist. _Goddammit,_ he should have done exercise every morning so he can beat the ever-loving crap out of this smirking asshole!

“Yes you _did_!”

“I didn’t!”

“Yes, yes, you _did_!”

“I did _not_!”

“Uh-huh,” Toru-san said in a condescending tone. He doesn’t look convinced but decided to just let the issue go rather than having another full-blown scream-fest with their raging vocalist, “Anyways, you really did a good job on cheering us up earlier…”

Taka’s head whipped towards the direction of the younger teen at that. Toru-san is staring down at him making him a bit conscious and his cheeks flaring up in embarrassment again. He really should consult a doctor now for this…this sudden blushing spree he usually have whenever Toru-san is around. Like, almost _every-fucking-hour of every-fucking-day_ in their lives.

“What’s with that obviously forced compliment?”

“It’s not forced!” Toru-san denied, “It’s the truth! You’re getting better in calming the shits out of us— _pulling us out of the darkness_ —,”

“ _Ewww_ , Toru-san, you’re really saying that aloud—,”

“—and I think that it’s great,” he said, making Taka pout because that’s the only thing he can think of doing—aside from throttling this teen because of spouting weird shits again, “though, you can still take a break and let your shits out once in a while, ne?”

Taka stared at the guitarist in disbelief.

_What the hell._

And much to Taka’s horror, Toru-san patted his lap, smiling graciously— _lasciviously_ —at Taka as if he’s beckoning the vocalist to come and _sit on his lap._

_…_

_What the fuck, Toru-san?!_

He subtly backed away, but despite having a _slightly_ disgusted and incredulous look on his face, Taka can still feel his heart beating in _trepidation._

_What the fuck, Takahiro?!_

He looked over Toru-san’s face, then to his denim-clad lap, then back to Toru-san’s impassive face. The guitarist looks bored, but his eyes are also twinkling—really, Taka, can’t you even think of a better adjective—with mischief and massive _douchebaggery_. And a shit-ton of seriousness. How can the younger teen pull those expressions _all at the same time_ is a huge mystery to Taka.

Anyways.

_Holy shit, he’s not joking!_

_Toru-san is really seriously asking me to sit on his lap?!_

Taka looked so _stricken_ that his jaws went hanging open in shock as he felt all of his blood rushing upwards to his face—making him look like a bright, red tomato.

“What the hell, Toru-san?!” he shrieked, almost jumping away from the now confused-looking guitarist, “I’m not gonna sit on your lap! _Ever_!”

…

…

An awkward silence fell between them.

Taka was swallowing— _hard_ —while Toru-san went speechless for a moment—his wide, expressionless eyes staring at Taka as if he’s analyzing him down to his bones—before he suddenly burst into fits of laughter, “A-ahahahahahahahaha!!!”

“W-what’s funny?!” humiliated, Taka asked the guitarist who’s still cackling like a fucking lunatic, “Don’t laugh, dammit! I’ll kick you out of my house!”

That probably did the trick because Toru-san immediately stopped howling in laughter. He wiped the tears in the corner of his eyes before he grinned mischievously at him— _which did nothing to calm his insides_. Instead, it even made his blood and to have this urge to rip that stupid smirk off the guitarist’s equally stupid face.

“I was— _ahahahahahaha_ —,” Taka glared sharply at him, “I was about to ask you to _lay your head_ on my lap and sleep but hey,” he snickered—much to Taka’s utter humiliation because _holy fuck did I just randomly jump into conclusions?! Gah!!!_

“…if you want to sit on my lap, then by all means,” he made a wide, beckoning gesture using his open hands, “go on!” and then he _giggled—_ fucking giglled!—heartily again while Taka is slowly— _oh-so slowly_ dying in mortification.

“W-who,” he lamely stuttered _, god why is he so lame today_ , “who would want to sit on your lap, _mou?_!” Taka hotly retorted in horror, “I don’t want to feel your hard-on poking my ass!”

Toru-san made a strangled sound at that as if someone is chocking his pathetic self, “I told you, that’s just because of adrenaline!” he defended, pertaining to the rather… _uncomfortable_ incident that happened while Taka is in the middle of dying in fever a few nights ago, “Why can’t you just forget it, huh?!”

“Because _it’s disgusting_!”

“You’re talking as if you don’t _randomly_ pop a boner!” Toru-san said before plunging his hand on— _Oh no, don’t do whatever I think you’ll be doing NO SHIT FUCK_ —Taka’s crotch and roughly squeezed the— _Oh god, I hate you, you traitorous body parts, gah!!_!— _half-hard_ member that was safely confined inside his pants.

…

…

…

A lengthy, _terror-filled_ silence fell between them as both of their eyes simultaneously widened in shock and disbelief while Toru-san’s hand is still on his crotch, instead of, I don’t know, pulling it away like any normal man should?!

“Gah!!!” Taka screamed like a girl as he practically _bounced away_ from the confused guitarist. He crawled backwards until his back hit the armrest on the edge of the long couch, grabbed a throw pillow and covered his privates— _and whatever was left from his manly dignity_ —with it.

“What’s with you casually touching my— _my privates_ , you perverted, stalking piece of shit?! Didn’t your mother taught you _not to touch things that aren’t yours_ , huh?!” he ranted out, his cheeks burning fiery red as Toru-san obliviously stared at him and silently accepted the soft kicks from him, “I can get you arrested for groping me, Toru-san!”

Way to scream it to the whole damn world.

_Might as well grab a megaphone and tell it to the entire neighborhood if you’re gonna scream like that, Takahiro_ , his mind chastised but _fuck_ if he actually cares. All his reservations flew out of the fucking planet the moment Toru-san decided to touch his dick! He’s _offended, humiliated, harassed_ that it will definitely leave a _life-long trauma_ on his poor, fragile mind—now that he’s thinking about it, he can still feel Toru-san’s _warm hand_ enveloping his—

_Oh God!_

Taka eyed the pillow covering his crotch in contempt and desperation as he felt his _junior_ slowly getting harder just by the thought of that motherfucking hand—

_Gah!_

_This isn’t happening!!!_

He is so damn ready to collapse in sheer embarrassment any moment from now but the universe is _really intent on fucking up_ his already fucked up life through Toru-san. He was still looking at Taka, like he doesn’t have any clue why their vocalist is having a _colossal_ freak out. Then his lips parted— _for fuck’s sake, don’t say anything you damn_ —and spoke in a low, rough voice, “Y-you’re really hard..?”

Taka wanted nothing but to crawl under a rock and _DIE_. Or get eaten by the sharks in the ocean. Or just explode right there and then because those are so, so much better rather than being at the receiving end of Toru’s oblivious, yet scathing gaze.

“Why…” Toru-san croaked out, “Why are you hard..?”

“I’m _not_!” he denied.

“Yes you _are_!” Toru-san insisted and when he raises his hand as if he’s planning to grope Taka again, the vocalist screamed at the top of his lungs.

“Fine, _fine_! I AM!” he admitted, hiding behind the small throw pillow _as if_ it can really protect him from the guitarist’s advances, “So what?! Big ducking deal! This—this is just because of adrenaline rush, _mou_!” he said, imitating Toru-san’s excuse a few nights ago, “Stop staring at me or I’ll kick your face! I’m _serious,_ Toru-san! Don’t test my patience!” he threatened.

Toru-san seemed to calm down—much to Taka’s relief—so he warily retreated his legs and stared at the white ceiling above him. _Damn. This is so horrifying._

Why does Toru-san looks so casual? _As if he didn’t just touched—wait, why does it sounds so wrong—me?!_

As if he didn’t just touched another guy’s private parts?!

There’s really, _really_ something wrong about Toru-san and Taka should keep alert or else, something bad would surely happen to him. And to Toru-san’s _pretty face_ because he would definitely kick the hell out of it. It was silent for a moment—their harsh breathing was the only thing that can be heard in that unit—and Taka _couldn’t be more_ thankful for that.

Now, he just has to think of a reason to kick Toru-san’s ass out of his unit to finally have a piece of mind. Never mind the fact that he’s craving for the guitarist’s presence just a few minutes ago. Never mind the fact that he’ll spend the night alone with his dreadful thoughts. The only thing that matters to Taka at the moment is to make the guitarist go away—that, or he’ll die young because of _sheer and utter mortification._

Too bad, Toru-san didn’t share the same sentiment.

“Aren’t you…”

_Oh for the love of god—_

Taka inwardly groaned when Toru-san decided to break the silence between them. He instantly glared at the younger teen without actually turning his head towards his direction. Toru-san looks uncomfortable, yes, but Taka didn’t miss the glint of mischief and naughtiness on his eyes and the annoying, teasing smirk splattered across his lips.

“Aren’t you gonna take care of that, _Taka-chaaaan_..?” he drawled—making Taka shiver in disgust and other inexplicable reasons because of the way Toru-san called his name—as he makes _suggestive_ wiggling’s of his eyebrows, “That’ll hurt, you know?”

Okay.

_That’s it!_

Taka was about to leap of the couch—run into the kitchen, grab something— _anything sharp_ —then waltz into the living area to stab this perverted gachapin with all his might—

“Oh, you’re gonna be so dead— _ugh_!”

—he grunted when Toru-san lunge at him from behind—no, _hugging_ —his waist with strong arms to prevent Taka from running and murdering his poor ass.

“Hai, hai!” Toru-san patiently said, tightening his hold onto the vocalist’s waist as while Taka _passionately_ struggled beneath him, “Gomen! I’m just joking, mou!”

“Keep your damn _jokes_ to yourself!” Taka snapped, trying to shake the arms off him— _and the body that’s practically covering his smaller one from behind_ —he was about to really scream his head off when he felt something _warm_ , something _hard_ poking his backside.

His eyes comically widened and he even stopped fighting Toru-san off when he realized—in horror—that, _that_ —

“And keep your damn _boner_ in your pants, gah!!!”

“Wha—wait, I can explain!” Toru-san hastily—practically screamed in his ears but didn’t made any effort to actually let Taka go, “This is just because of adrenaline rush! Stop struggling mou!”

“Then let me the fuck go!”

—he felt the hardness again which made him panic like a schizophrenic patient, “Put it away! _Put it awaaaaay_!!!” he hysterically shouted.

“I want to!” Toru-san is also starting to sounds alarmed, “But _how_?!”

“I don’t care how, just don’t fucking rub it in my ass!”

“If you would just stay still!”

“I swear I’ll chop it and feed it to you—,”

“Stay still!” Toru-san grunted behind him, “You’re making it worse!”

“Oh god, _oh god_!” Taka chanted, his eyes almost rolling in panic and exasperation but even before he can black out and escape the shitty situation he’s in, the door suddenly banged open, revealing the grinning face of Alex—

“Yoh! I forgot my baseball…” the grin on the lead guitarist’s face quickly faded as he stared at the sight he came upon— _well, I would also probably look like I’ve seen a ghost if I saw our positions_ —

Taka is on all fours, with teary eyes and flushed cheeks while Toru is behind him, holding Taka’s waist—with his hips firmly planted on the vocalist’s…ass. _Clothed ass._

…

Both of the teen’s eyes widened at the awkward, tensed silence that enveloped them—especially Taka who is ready to kick the bucket right there and then because—

Getting man-handled by Toru-san is _embarrassing enough._

Getting man-handled and forced into a rather compromising position by Toru-san _in front of Alex_ is fucking mortifying that he can already feel his ancestors _face-palming_ on his horrible, _horrible_ luck.

…

“…cap…” the words died down on Alex’s lips as he openly gawked at his band mates—then his eyes almost popped out of his sockets in sheer, utter shock, “What the hell?!”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I died writing this chapter coz WTF. Taka is so stressed out while Toru-san is being his usual oblivious, pervert-self. 
> 
> Your feedbacks are all appreciated, so please don’t hesitate to drop one! 
> 
> Thank you for reading~!


	5. KAGEROU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realization hits hard.
> 
> "My feelings for you sparkle in my thoughts  
> I can’t be honest with myself yet  
> Even though I’ve realized the truth  
> My body’s throbbing with the words I can’t get out"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still grinning like a fucking shit after reading the previous chapter. Now let's move to a bit angsty one. The aftermath LOL
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR will probably murder me upon reading this fic. Be aware that this is all fictional, well, aside from the facts I've included. I own nothing.

“It’s not really what you think, Alex-senpai…” Toru mumbled for _god-only-knows-how-many-times-already_ to his former upperclassman.

They are currently in the lead guitarist’s apartment unit in Shibuya. Toru had wanted to learn more about playing electric guitars from the half-American who’s a huge fan of Metal music. _That_ and because he wants to talk with him— _man to man_ —about… _stuffs_.

Toru would rather want to stay and hang out in their vocalist’s unit but said vocalist is really _intent_ on ignoring Toru’s existence for a week now so he doesn’t really have any choice but to hang out with his senpai— _no matter how forced that sounds._

_Or else, Taka would slap the door on my face. Again!_

Toro doesn’t want to recall the angry look on the vocalist’s face the moment he shoved Toru and the still bewildered Alex-senpai out of his unit a week ago. Toru was spluttering curses and apologies but Taka _won’t have any_ of that and instead, loudly slammed the door with so much force that the accumulated dust on the ceiling showered on both of the guitarists’ frames.

They were used with the vocalist’s moodiness— _or bitchiness, as Alex-senpai would call it_ —so when Taka didn’t speak nor even look at Toru’s direction the next day, he instantly knew that he had _royally_ fucked up.

He would try to speak to Taka before their lives but the vocalist would just stared at _whatever’_ s across him—usually the planks and boards in the dark backstage and pretends that Toru is not standing beside him— _desperately pleading for forgiveness_ —even just for an ounce of attention.

But Taka probably had mastered the art of having a poker-face in the days they’ve been not talking to each other.

After the performances, Toru would hurry changing his clothes to offer Taka to walk him home but to his utter disappointment, the vocalist would just wordlessly _vanish_. As if he’s avoiding Toru like the motherfucking _plague._

Ryota will always say that _Mori-chan probably needs the toilet so badly that he even took a cab to home!_

Toru believed it at first because he knows that diarrhea is a _bitch_ but the same thing happened the next night. And the _next, next._ Until the days painfully morphed into a full week. Ryota and Tomoya had noticed it too—glancing between the leader and vocalist before exchanging shrugs and confused looks.

It’s like children watching— _feeling_ —the thick tension between their arguing parents. But they remained silent throughout the week—with Tomoya accompanying Taka wherever he went to like a dutiful brother.

_He even slept at Taka’s unit for two nights!_

That made Toru’s blood seethe in _immature rage_ , childish possessiveness and immense— _dare I say it, okay fuck, I’m saying it_ —jealousy. Toru knows that it’s unreasonable—Tomoya is his band mate and Taka _wasn’t even his_ —he knows that he’s feelings are getting out of hand—so he seek Alex-senpai’s help.

…

…

Okay, it’s probably _not_ the smartest thing to do but all of this shit started when Alex-senpai barged into Taka’s unit! If he hadn’t saw them wrestling— _yeah, because that’s really what we’ve been doing right_ —Taka wouldn’t be so horrified, embarrassed and really, _really_ angry.

“Sure, Toru,” Alex-senpai said after taking a sip of his beer in can. It was their day-off tomorrow and the lead guitarist is technically an adult so Toru wouldn’t fuss about drinking alcohols for tonight, “I already told you that I’m not really bothered by what I saw you two doing…”

“We’re not doing _anything_!” Toru cried as he nursed the fading bruise on his jaw. Taka was indeed _not joking_ when he said that he’ll seriously kick Toru. He should’ve believed him. Look what his obstinacy got him—a _large, dark_ bruise which is fortunately fading now.

_But it still hurts like a bitch, anyway_.

“Then what were you doing, _hmmm_?” Alex-senpai gestured at the unopened can across Toru—beckoning him to take it—, “Wrestling? Fooling around like some _testosterone-induced_ high schoolers, huh?”

The lead guitarist’s voice was so sharp that Toru winced just upon hearing it, but he won’t admit any of his accusations.

“I told you we’re not—,”

“ _Shhh_ ,” he hushed, “I’ll tell you _what I saw_ , Toru,” the rhythm guitarist had to gulp audibly at the firm tone that Alex-senpai had suddenly adapted, “I saw you _pouncing_ on our poor vocalist—,”

He let out an offended gasp at that.

“—even if you’re just fooling around like some goddamned kids, you should have seen— _feel_ —that he’s not comfortable with it—that he doesn’t want your _dick anywhere near his ass_ —,”

“WHOAH!” Toru felt all his blood boil at that instant, “ _matte, matte, matte!_ ” he raised his palms into the air to stop the half-American's ranting, “Hold it, Alex-senpai! I already told you that I’m not planning to do anything sexual— _urghfm_ —to Taka! It’s just a misfortune that we have a boner _at the same time_ back then!”

Alex-senpai _blandly_ looked at him as he slowly sipped his beer.

Toru felt himself sweat bricks at that. The older teen is obviously not convinced but he’s saying the truth! _God-fucking-dammit!_ Why is Alex-senpai always assuming that he wants to do something to Taka?

“Besides, I’m not a _homo_!” he yelled, becoming flustered before he stuttered, “I’m not— _I’m not_ —,” Toru blinked, _suddenly not feeling sure at all_ , before he lowered his gaze, desperately thinking of the right words to end that statement.

_I’m not a homo…_

“Look,” Alex-senpai laid his can onto the low table, “I’m not here to judge you and shits. I couldn’t care less if you’re trying to fuck Mori-chan into _oblivion_ —,”

Toru’s jaw hit the fucking ground at that, “WHAT. _Fuck who_ —,”

“But you really have to consider Mori-chan's feelings too,” he explained, making Toru gagged and ready to puke all his internal organs out at the ridiculous thoughts of their lead guitarist— _how can Alex-senpai say those with a straight face_ —, “I’m not telling you to treat Mori0chan like a girl, _per se…_ ”

Toru’s eyes almost popped out of his sockets at that.

Taka?! _Treat Taka like a girl?!_

And then his brain was assaulted with these _disturbing_ images of their vocalist wearing frilly feminine clothing and underwears—

HOLY _FUCKING_ HELL.

…

That was disgusting as _fuck_. _So damn disgusting!_

And strangely… _erotic_.

Toru gasped in horror as he subtly glanced down on the tell-tale _tent_ on his pants. _WTF, seriously? As in right now, you damn dick?!_ Why is he being _attacked_ with random boners these days, huh? Should he visit a doctor?! What if he’s dying because of…of getting hard-ons _every now and then_ even if he’s not reading magazines or visiting ecchi websites?!

_Goddammit._

“…but it’s obvious that he’s not comfortable with whatever you want to do with him—,”

“I already told you, I don’t plan to do—,”

“And you should really respect it or you’ll be kicked on your face _and/or_ out of his life the next time you pull that shit,” he said it with such finality that even Toru almost— _almost_ —got convinced for a moment.

_Eh—Chigau! Chigau!_

“I’m not really _forcing_ myself on him, I swear, Alex-senpai!” he even dutifully raise his right hand like he’s in a witness stand in a court who just sworn in all honesty, “Why _won’t_ you believe me?!”

Alex-senpai sighed in distress, as if he’s getting fed up with Toru’s obstinacy, “I already told you that I won’t judge you, so why bother on denying it—,”

“I’M NOT ATTRACTED TO TAKAHIRO!” he snapped in frustration, banging the old, low table with both of his palms. It stings like a motherfucker but Toru’s mind is so busy— _so confused_ —so lost in his state of denial that he can’t even register the pain.

Why won’t Alex-senpai believe him?

Why can’t he believe that they’re not doing anything—that he doesn’t need to judge Toru because _there’s really nothing to be judged for?!_

They’re just friends— _no matter how showbiz that sounds_ —so why can’t they rough-house each other without getting misunderstood?

Damn.

Toru needs to smoke— _really badly_ —and inhale all nicotine he can to calm whatever shit is running through his head right now. But first, he guess that he should apologize to Alex-senpai who was openly glaring at him across the table.

_Shit._

“Err…” he started, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He don’t really want to anger the lead guitarist because _god knows_ how scary he is when mad, but what about him? But it doesn’t give him the right to just burst into screaming and all so he just sighed and eyed the rather huge stack of manga in the corner of the room, “I’m sorry about that, Alex-senpai…I’m just… _confused_?”

Alex-senpai didn’t even blink an eye before responding to him.

“Confused about your feelings for Taka? Or confused about your _sexual preferences?_ ”

_WHAT. THE. HELL._

Did…

Did Alex-senpai just…just _blatantly_ questioned his sexuality when he’s been practically screaming to the _whole wide world_ that he’s not gay right from the fucking start?!

And more importantly, did Alex-senpai just implied that he have feelings for their vocalist—that he have feelings for Takahiro?!

That…that _bitchy, moody, tyrant-like, foul-mouthed_ Takahiro?!

Seriously?

Toru swallowed, then swallowed _again_ because he would drool all over the floor if he wouldn’t do that, as he feels his stomach lurched painfully. It’s a bit sickening, _really_ , to finally give a name to the emotions swirling within him. Alex-senpai’s words seems to be the answer— _no matter how hard he denies it_ —to the unfamiliar feelings he’s having regarding the vocalist.

He knows— _for a long, long time ago_ —that there’s something wrong with his logic whenever it concerns Taka…the possessiveness, the urge to punch anyone who would get a bit closer to him, the _urge to stay by his side all the time…_

It all now makes sense…

_Somehow._

He’s somewhat accepted it as a part of his _wonderfully_ fucked-up mind but damn, the truth always, always smack you in the face like a huge, grubby hand, huh?

He’s attracted to Taka?

For real?

_Holy shit, that’s probably where all those weird thoughts are coming from!_

Toru made a deep, _deep, **deep,**_ **deep** breath at that. Okay. Let’s consider— _yeah, coz I’m still not accepting Alex-senpai’s theory_ —that he indeed like— _because love is such a strong word_ —

_Hell, I’m not even sure if I’m capable of feeling it_ —

—Takahiro, then why is Alex-senpai taking it _oh-so_ smoothly? Like he’s not surprised at the sudden plot-twist?

Huh.

“Let’s,” he cleared his throat, “Let’s say you’ve got a point in there, Alex-senpai,” he slowly said, thinking of how to escape the amused and slightly smug look on the lead guitarist’s face, “…why aren’t you surprised? Like, _at all_?”

Alex-senpai stared back at him with a bland smile adorning his perfectly-chiseled face.

“Oh?” he started, leaning forward, “Do you want me to be surprised? Because _I can act like I’m surprised_ if you really want me to,” Toru cringed at the sarcasm that’s practically dripping from the upperclassman’s words, “For fuck’s sake, Toru, it’s about _damn time_ that you realized your feeling for the brat!”

Toru made a chocking sound at that, thinking that Taka wouldn’t like to be called as  brat—especially by Alex-senpai.

He looked absolutely… _flabbergasted_. His heavily-lidded eyes shot wide open as his jaws dropped—again, for god knows how many times already, he’s actually surprised that insects haven’t even invaded his mouth or something—, “What do you mean, Alex-senpai?”

Alex-senpai looked like _completely_ pissed off.

Uh-oh. Not a good sign.

“Don’t make me smack you on the head, Toru.”

“No, no, Alex-senpai,” he insisted, shaking his head in confusion and a bit of bewilderment, “I really don’t understand..?

“Ugh, you dimwitted fool— _no wonder Mori-chan’s blood is always boiling at you_ ,” Toru wanted to say that the last part wasn’t even necessary but Alex-senpai looks like he’s in a roll so Toru just let it slide—for the mean time—, “I mean, you’ve been practically _undressing_ Mori-chan with your eyes whenever you’re together! And the sexual tension between you, _god_ , only a fucking blind would not see it!”

Toru instantly felt the urge to defend himself.

“ _Maa_ —,”

“You should’ve seen your face the moment you introduced him to us, or whenever he’s nailing a particalurly high not! You look like—,”

“What? Proud? _Dumbfounded_?”

“No,” Alex-senpai cruelly hanged his words in the air, causing Toru to practically bounce on his spot on the floor in anxiousness, “Yu had commented on it once, but the look in your eyes back then was pure…”

Toru nervously gulped, thinking that Alex-senpai is an evil man for mercilessly hanging his words, “…what?”

“ _Love-struck_.”

“Love—love-struck?!”

“Yeah, that’s what I just said, Toru.”

But—

_But it can’t be._

He can’t be attracted to Taka for real.

They’re…they’re both men— _and no matter how girly and bitchy_ Taka sometimes sounds, he’s sure that Taka is a boy because he had groped the vocalist’s crotch a week ago—and liking another man is…is…

_Homo-janai._

Homo-janai.

_Homo—_

“I can’t…” he helplessly looked up at his senpai—wishing that this is all just some kind of fucked-up nightmare and he’ll wake up peacefully next to Taka— _wait, wait, not those thoughts again_ —, “I don’t get it, Alex-senpai?! How?!”

Toru is aware that he’s slowly getting ballistics—snappy like a certain vocalist but he doesn’t really give any flying fuck anymore, “We’re men! Both of us! That’s—Isn’t it—,”

Now, Toru felt like _crying._

It’s not really manly but there’s _nothing manly here anymore_ ever since they’ve started talking about his predicament.

Suddenly, he was met with this crushing feeling of _confusion_ , of _lost_ , of _longing_ , of _craving_ the vocalist’s warm hands around him. He suddenly remembered that he had spent a week without Taka by his side, without that pretty voice talking to him, without those warm, soft— _almost feminine_ —hands casually touching him whenever there’s a chance.

Suddenly, he felt like crying because _he misses Takahiro_.

Damn.

Why is he getting all emotional like this? This is so so bad for his _manly manliness_ , goddammit.

“Isn’t it… _wrong_?”

Alex-senpai looked at him thoroughly as if he’s assessing if their leader is still somewhat sane or if he needs to rush Toru to the nearest psychological clinic to fix his head up or something. The desperation, the fear, the confusion, the _helplessness_ —all were probably displayed on his usually impassive face for the entire world to see how doomed he felt he was—making the half-American just sighed in exasperation.

“Oh, you silly, _silly_ leader-sama,” Alex-senpai clacked his tongue as he leaned across the table to pat Toru’s shoulder, “You don’t fall on love with a _gender_ nor in age— _well, unless Mori-chan is secretly a minor, then you’re totally fucked up_ —,”

Toru’s mouth hanged open at that as horror flashed in his eyes.

“—social status, race, family background—you fall in love a _person_ , ne? You fall in love for _who_ they are, not for _what_ they are, _okay_?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor leader-sama getting confused like that. At least he finally realized, with the help of Alex-senpai ofcourse, that he got some feelings for our precious vocalist.
> 
> Thank you for reading~!
> 
> You're comments/suggestions/anythingreally always, always make my day!


	6. A New One for All, All for the New One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making up. Again. Damn Toruka always fighting and making up like fuck.
> 
>  
> 
> "Have you become the light?  
> Is your light shining?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, yey~!
> 
> It's shorter, though.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Taka is idly playing his guitar in the living area when he heard a soft, unhurried knocking on his door. He’s wearing his usual thin T-shirt and loose pants which looks like they’ve never been ironed _for decades._

It’s not like he cares whatever to wear in his own house. Besides, there’s _nothing_ really worth dressing for these days because Toru-san isn’t _constantly_ popping out of nowhere like the _creepy stalker_ he is.

_Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe I should change my locks now that I have the chance…_

And speaking of Toru-san…

Taka really doesn’t want to get… _mad and moody_ around the younger teen these past few days. Heck, he admits that he’s easily angered, snapping at _everyone for almost every damn thing_ but…but after a few minutes, he’ll definitely calm down and acts as if nothing happened.

But this time, Toru-san should really _learn his place._

Taka is used at his weird way of speaking, his strange— _dare I say it, cute_ —possessiveness for him and the sudden clinginess these past few months BUT to actually _grope_ him?

**BIG FUCKING NO.**

_I_ _mean, if he wants to touch a dick, why couldn’t he just touch his own?!_

It’s frustrating and humiliating because Alex chose the worst time to barge into his unit. Taka couldn’t even reprimand and bitch out at the lead guitarist for _casually waltzing_ into his unit because he was too busy getting the most mortifying _five seconds_ of his life.

It was just a few seconds but it felt like an _eternity_ —especially when they stopped breathing and waited as Alex’s _ikemen_ face morphed from shocked to fucking _bewildered_ in a blink of an eye.

And so, the week went by through pretending that Toru-san is not existing. But as every day passed—and as Taka was bombarded with huge, tired eyes and pouty lips from the desperate-looking guitarist, Taka can feel his resolve slowly— _agonizingly_ _slowly_ —crumble into bits.

Like a fucking sand castle crashed by a giant wave.

He even asked Tomoya to stay with him after their lives—bribing him with home-cooked meals—because _god knows_ what he’ll do when he’s left alone in his unit. But the drummer probably had enough of Taka’s bullying and brooding mood so he practically _ditched_ Taka tonight.

_Well, it’s his lost anyway._

So here he is, padding towards the door and wondering if Tomoya finally realized his mistake because there’s no way that Toru-san would simply knock and wait for Taka to open the damn door—like any _civilized person_ would normally do.

He has, _like_ , a _gazillion_ of duplicate keys and he doesn’t know the meaning of trespassing so—

_Besides, he’s probably mad at you for getting mad at him, remember?_ His mind dutifully reminded him.

_Ouch._

So.

Imagine his surprise when he pulled the door open— _and instead of a bubbly, hyperactive drummer_ —it revealed the crooked form of the rhythm guitarist as he leaned on the door jamb to support his body.

WHAT—

Taka could feel his heart— _or maybe that’s his liver?_ —jumping when he saw Toru-san behind his door and he would really love to make it clear and obvious when he noticed something—

Droopy, red-rimmed eyes, flushed cheeks, a shy and unsure smile on his thin lips and the subtle swaying of his body like he’s struggling to stand _upright_ —

“Are you,” he started, “Are you _drunk?_!” he asked, taking another good look at the completely _trashed-out_ guitarist, “Seriously?!”

Toru-san grinned toothily down at him, “I’m not drunk— _hic!_ ”

Taka scowled and crossed his arms over his chest.

_Sure, Toru-san. You’re not drunk, sure._

“Okay,” Toru-san instantly conceded when he saw Taka’s unconvinced look, “I’m probably drunk— _hic!_ —but just a little, ne? _ne?_ ”

“A _little_? You think it’s just a little?” he can feel his eyes twitching in irritation, “You can barely stand up straight and you’re saying that you just drank a little you— _urgh!_ How did you even managed to get shit-faced you giant ass, huh?”

Toru-san blinked at that, tilted his head in a rather— _dare I say it, again_ —cute manner before he finally, _finally_ responded—well, _slurred_ —to Taka, “Aww, Alex-senpai made me drunk.”

WHAT.

_That motherfucking half-American bastard—_

Okay, calm down. _Chill, Taka_. Chill. He knows that he really should stop interrogating Toru-san in this doorway but he’s curios to see how the guitarist acts when he’s drunk.

_I mean, he already saw me drunk and even…and even hugged me back then, right?!_

Flashbacks of Taka’s intoxicated state while he’s almost— _practically_ —sitting on the guitarist’s lap— _That’s different! I’m not thinking straight back then!_ —inside a taxi.

It must be _fun_ for Toru-san to see him inebriated like that so Taka would be _more than eager_ to return the fucking favor. He inwardly grinned. _Evilly._

“And you came here to my unit _because…_?” he prompted.

Tor-san blinked up from dozing off in his doorway, then he grinned widely—a _bit too widely_ for Taka’s liking because the guitarist won’t smile like that in his right, sane mind!

“Ah, r-right!” he stuttered before suddenly _collapsing on his knees_ —making Taka shriek like a motherfucking girl on the middle of the night.

“Gah!” his knees instantly buckled, nimble hands flew to clutch on Toru-san’s shoulders to support him and prevent him from falling face-first on the floor—or on _Taka’s crotch._

…

…

Yeah sure, their leader is probably having a neurotic breakdown because of too much alcohol-intake and Taka is here, still worrying about the safety of his privates. _Talk about damn priorities!_

_Wait, my concerns are legit!_

Nobody wants a drunken Toru-san on their knees and _painfully close_ to their— _flimsy clothed_ —crotch, right?!

…

…

Unless… _unless_ you’re a big fan of Toru-san who would love to see him below— _GAH! FUCK SHIT DUCK SHITTY THOUGHTS GAH!_

_OH MY GOD, TAKA._ You. Are. Such. A. **Pervert.** You. _Shit!_

“Toru-sa—!”

But Toru-san didn’t completely fall on the floor. In fact, he’s probably not even that drunk to just pass out in some random places— _instead_ —Taka had realized— _a bit too late, as usual_ —that he really intended to do that—

Kneel on the cold, hard floor and hug Taka’s thighs for all the world to see.

_What the fu_ —

And then there’s this sound of plastic being rumpled somewhere behind him but he’s too busy processing the fact that Toru san is kneeling, right before him, and encasing his legs with a vice-like grip.

“Get up, you moron!” he snapped, trying and— _of course_ —failing to push the drunk man away from his legs—and privates, _mind it Toru-san!—,_ “What do you think you’re doing?!”

“’S apologize!” Toru-san yelled before looking up at Taka with glassy, heavily-lidded gachapin eyes. That sight made Taka’s breath hitched and instantly halted all his futile attempts in struggling. He even _postponed_ his plan on kneeing Toru-san on his pretty flushed face—for the _mean time_ because—

Apologize for _WHAT._

Toru-san took his _shocked-to-the-core_ silence as a signal for him to talk gibberish, “I’m sorry, really – _hic!_ — just joking back then, ne? I did—didn’t meant to make ya sad—!”

Taka wanted to scream that for the record, he’s not fucking sad _dammit!_

“—an’ an’ry y’ all!” he said with a thick Kansai accent on his slurry words, “I was so insensitive— _hic!_ —with your uh— _uh_ ,” Toru-san looked confused for a moment, probably because he just burned all of his remaining brain cells with all the alcohol he’d drank, “uh…your _noble_ feelings!”

_Noble what?!_

Now, Taka is getting embarrassed by the non-sense things that’s streaming _non-stop_ out of the guitarist’s goddamned mouth, so he imediately tried on pulling him up again, “Toru-san, stop—just get up—,”

“I dis-disregarded ya’r…your _dignity_ and continued—,”

_Oh God._

“— _pouncing_ on ya even if ya’re already—,”

“Toru-san, I think you should—,”

“—screamin’ ‘n cryin—,”

“Oh my god!” Taka shrieked, grabbing Toru-san’s spiky locks instead—which made the guitarist winced in pain, “ _Itai, Itai, Itai!”_ he chanted especially when Taka made sure to grip it hard, forcing Toru-san’s head to arch back and look up at him—

Taka inwardly shivered at that sight.

—even if his eyes are mostly closed because of the immense pain on his scalp. Or probably because of his drunkenness. _We’ll never know._

“Just shut up, Toru-san,” he said through clenched teeth, as he looked around—praying that no one is around to see them in this…this _predicament._

“But I’m s’rry!” the younger teen insisted, staring up at Taka with sincerely pleading eyes that make Taka’s frozen heart melt— _even just for a bit_ —, “I’ll do _anythin_ ’! I miss’d your cookin’! I miss’d your laugh, your voice—,”

Taka blushed at that. _Oh._

“—even your bitchiness!—,”

_Oh_. His blush faded a _bit._

But Toru-san was still not finished throwing out compliments and random— _and probably unintentional_ —insults, here and there.

“I miss’d your fishes! I miss’d your couch! Your bed! I miss’d _you_!”

_O-oh._

There was it again, the blush. _God, I hate my face._

Taka had to bite his lower lip to prevent himself from _giggling and cooing_ on how adorable Toru-san looks like that—eyes being forced wide, cheeks tinted red and his perfect mouth formed into the cutest pout Taka had ever seen (well, beside Hiroki’s— _my ‘lil bro’s  pout is still the best_!).

And let’s not forget the most important part.

Toru-san had just practically screamed all over the world that he had missed Taka! Even if the guitarist has been constantly spewing out weird stuffs here and there, this is still somewhat the first time he had blatantly admitted that he cares for Taka—

Flashbacks of their intimate moment when Toru-san found Taka crying his eyes out and getting miserable alone in his room.

—okay, _maybe not_ the first time. It’s the thought that counts anyway.

“I—I,” seems like Toru-san is still not yet done with begging Taka on his knees, “I’ll do any— _anything_ —just…just forgive me, ne? ne? _ne_?” and that…that pleading, almost crying— _shaking_ —voice made Taka snapped out of his thoughts.

What was he doing?

Letting a full-grown man, letting their leader, letting _Toru-san_ be on his knees and bed like a penniless person in the streets?

What was he doing to Toru-san?

Toru-san who has always been _patient, caring, forgiving_ at Taka like a damn saint? Toru-san who would always, _always_ shrug his mistakes and moodiness like a walk in the park? Toru-san who had rushed from Osaka just to comfort Taka’s pathetic self weeks ago?

Even if he made Taka mad…that’s still not a reason to let him through this…this _humiliation_ any longer.

Suddenly, memories of the past week flooded Taka’s mind. The mornings waking up in _dread_ , the noon’s spent alone—trying and failing to play the guitar skillfully, the lives where he had to avert his gaze away from the leader—trying very hard to ignore all his attempts for reconciliation—and the late nights spent wondering how much he _longs_ for Toru-san’s presence.

How he longs for his _annoyingly handsome_ face, his _irritating_ smirk, his deep baritone, and his warm, _warm hands_ —and that make Taka feel all his walls, all his pathetic resolve to make Toru-san learn his lessons instantly crumble into pieces.

“Toru-san, _Toru-san_ ,” he softly muttered, kneeling and raising both of his hands to envelope those flushed, _burning_ cheeks—tracing the jaw line that are yet to fully develop—his red-tipped ears, the back of his neck in a comforting, hopefully-soothing—apologetic manner—, “It’s okay. _It’s okay_ , I forgive you, ne? You don’t have to do anything coz’ I already forgave you, see?”

Taka flashed his shaky, _(hopefully_ ) toothpaste-commercial-worthy smile.

The guitarist eyed him warily, sniffing and staring at Taka’s lips as if he really, _really_ wants to kiss it, but maybe it was just Taka’s _hopeful thinking_.

…

…

WHAT THE FUCK.

“R-really?”

“Hai, hai,” Taka nodded—ignoring the weird thoughts springing out of his mind just a few moments ago—as he speaks slowly like he’s talking to fragile, little child, “So, let’s get you up and inside, ne? Stay for the night. I’ll prepare the bed, ne?” he said, supporting Toru-san’s wobbly frame as he slowly gets up.

The younger teen blearily looked down at him, “Your bed?” he asked. _Hopefully._

_Do you see any other bed in my unit, Toru-san?_

But instead of answering with his usual sarcastic words, Taka chose to merely smiled as he guided him inside, “Hai, Toru-san. My bed.”

“Yay…”

“Right,” he agreed, “Yay~!”

He unceremoniously dumped Toru-san’s body on the couch—and was about to go into his room to, you know, prepare the bed when he noticed that Toru-san is holding—clutching—a plastic bag.

He hadn’t noticed it before but it’s probably the sound he heard earlier, “What’s that?”

The rhythm guitarist blinked in confusion before he realized what Taka is pertaining to. His face visibly lit up as if he just remembered that he had brought the bag all these times.

“Oh!” he exclaimed, raising the bad in the air, “I’ve got it for you! Sushi~!”

Wow.

Taka hesitantly accepted the offer, feeling horrible because even if he’s bitching Toru-san the entire week, the leader still brought some—

WAIT.

Taka did a double take at the contents of the bag to discover that _THESE ARE ALL MEAT BUNS! WHERE’S MY SUSHI, TORU-SAN!?_

He felt _betrayed_. Like Toru-san had made him excited all just to ruin his expectations or something. Is this his way of getting back at Taka? _By making him drool over non-existent sushi? Seriously?_

“This is not sushi, Toru-san…”

“Really?” he looked baffled for a second before he had his light-bulb moment, “Ah! I forgot! I’s gonna buy sushi but the kombini guy told me they’re uh… _GONE_ ,” he ominously said as if he’s telling that someone just _died,_ “So I’ve bought meat buns instead. They’re _fun_ ,” he shrugged then madly giggled behind his hand.

_Do you mean delicious?_

Well, _that_ , or Toru-san suddenly have this _out-of-this-world_ ability to talk, hang out and party with meat buns to decide that they’re, _indeed_ , fun.

“You went to buy sushi…” Taka slowly said as he stared at the inebriated teen.

“Hai.”

“In a convenience store?”

“Hai~!”

“And for some goddamned, _probably fucked-up reason_ , you bought meat buns for replacement?”

“Uhmm,” Toru-san pouted, clearly getting aggravated by Taka’s numerous questions, “Yah?”

“They’re not even of the _same species_ , Toru-san!” Taka groaned out in exasperation.

“But it’s really good! It’s pork curry!” he defended, as if that really explains everything, “B’sides, you told me that I should bring gifts to my _girlfriend_ for peace offering, na?”

Taka dumbly stared at the guitarist.

“But I’m _not_ your girlfriend.”

“Right,” Toru-san immediately nodded, making Taka sigh in relief, “Boyfriend, _then_.”

…

…

He then smirked cheekily up at Taka, his eyelids almost shutting close and his sanity _probably rotting_ away inside his damn head.

Taka’s mouth hanged open at that—he was about to really kick this man into soberness but then he realized that he’s talking to a barely-legal, drunk-to-his-motherfucking-ass- man. Toru-san is probably delusional and is only mistaking Taka for the girl he actually likes— _you know, the Pokémon girl?_ —

_Yeah,_ his mind blandly agreed _, sure, Taka. Sure._

Ugh.

He looks down on the meat buns which are totally smashed, _devastated beyond recognition_ —the dark, pork-curry filling popping and oozing out of the destroyed white bun. It doesn’t really look edible anymore but it doesn’t prevent a small, giddy smile to form on Taka’s full lips.

He wouldn’t eat this rubbish but it’s the _thoughts that all counts anyway, right?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A few minutes later, both of them we’re already lying on Taka’s bed as they wait for sleep to claim their consciousness. Taka is lying on his back, while Toru-san—who whined and pouted earlier, demanding to be able to hug Taka until he falls asleep—is lying on his arms, his head pillowed on Taka’s chest like how a child would embrace his beloved mother before going to sleep.

Taka doesn’t really felt anything about that.

They’ve already shared beds, walked _hand-in-hand_ and _leaned against_ each other countless of times so having Toru-san clinging onto him like a _possessive octopus_ is no big deal.

Besides, Toru-san looks really adorable like this. He wonders if he also looks like this whenever he’s holding onto the guitarist for his dear life.

So, no, Taka doesn’t mind at all.

In fact, he’s been humming random tunes—like a soft, sweet lullaby in the middle of the night—while his free hand is idly playing with Toru-san’s hair. He was tucking some obstinate, longer stands behind the guitarist’s ear when he thought of a good, _slightly evil_ idea.

“ _Nee, Toru-saaaan_ ~!” he said in a sickly-sweet voice. The guitarist made a soft hum of acknowledgement as he snuggled deeper into Taka’s clothed chest, “You said that you’ll do anything for my forgiveness, ne?”

Toru-san sleepily glanced up at him, his eyebrows knitted in child-like confusion, “I thought…you already forgave me..?”

“Maa, that’s right but consider this as a proof of your promises earlier, ne?”

Toru-san liked like he’s suspecting Taka’s words making Taka get scared that the guitarist’s mind is already getting back to normal, but no, Toru-san just smiled at him.

“Sure, _whatever_ you say,” he conceded before tightening his grip on the vocalist’s torso—almost knocking every ounce of air from Taka’s lungs.

Taka breathed a sigh of relief as that as he resumed running his fingers through the spiky locks, all while _grinning evilly_ in the darkness of his room.

_I hope you fulfill your promises, Toru-san. Pfffft!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ambitions Recording Documentary was like 90% of Taka's face. But I'm still glad that I've watched it because I have an actual visual of how they make songs~! Also, I'm curious about the other songs featured in there. Maybe they'll use it for their next works? I'll definitely watch out for them, then. Thanks to **Ashe21** for giving me the link!
> 
> Thanks for reading~! Please tell me what you think~!


	7. (You Can Do) Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Toru-san was _stabbed._
> 
> "You can scream You can feel  
> Can be louder Can be wiser  
> You can do it You can do it  
> do it, do it..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, I'm so sorry for the delays! Especially to **Ashe21** -san (sorry for almost running away from you, god, that was so embarrassing) whom I even personally told that I would post update yesterday. My legs hurts like hell yesterday so I didn't go into the office (LOL, my leaves are getting longer) and my drafts were saved in my PC here soooo...
> 
> Anyways, I enjoyed the concert last Monday! It wasn't...perfect per se, but damn, I almost black out in sheer happiness when the lights when out and the familiar sound of the Ambitions intro resonated inside the arena. And I spent the first 2 songs just staring at Toru-san with my jaws hanging wide open. I was so in shock., goddammit. My throat hurts like a motherfucker in the end but I really, really enjoyed it even when there wore some dumb people who doesn't know the meaning of the word "silence" (damn you all, I will forever remember how humiliated you make all of us feel -_-) 
> 
> What are your thoughts about the last performance?
> 
> Back to the chapter...This was some kind of idea, which was later uhm, enforced by **Jesse** -san's comments in the previous story. I hope that you'll enjoy this.
> 
> Disclaimer: Taka looks so soft, and flexible, and plush, and Toru's smirk killed my soul but OOR IS STILL NOT MINE.

 

Toru stared at the wall across from where he sat with _so much intensity_ that he’ll probably bore a hole into it. His eyes are heavily-lidded, but are still _trying_ to narrow in contempt as his lips slightly parted while remembering how on earth did he ended up here—sitting in a customer’s chair, inside a tattoo and piercing shop—when it’s clear as the _fucking daylights_ that he’s scared of needles.

Oh, _right._

It’s because he _stupidly_ promised to prove that he’s sorry to Takahiro. Yeah, he can pretty much remember _all_ the crazy stuffs he pulled last night—from knocking on the familiar door, seeing Taka’s bright face, and begging for forgiveness and the tender embrace of the vocalist.

He’s drunk, alright, but he’s not _amnesiac_.

Which is, _like_ , a million times worse _because I’ll rather forget every-fucking-thing than to be here, mou!!!_

He can perfectly remember—even the part where he talked to Alex-senpai. He couldn’t accept that he’s _attracted_ to Takahiro—even if he can feel his mind cursing and slapping himself for his stubbornness—so he just drowned himself in alcohol and decided to…conquer Taka’s forgiveness.

Even if he’s walking like a _zombie_ in the streets.

He’s really _desperate_ to see, to hear, to _feel_ the vocalist that he thought he’s willing to cross the Tokyo bay and climb Mount Fuji just to be accepted again in Taka’s life.

_And look where it led him._

Toru’s eyes frantically darted almost everywhere—taking in the frames and posters of tattoo patterns, then the set of needles displayed non the counter in front of him—

His ass instantly jumped from the chair, ready to make his escape from this hell hole when he felt two hands forcing his shoulders down—

“ _Where_ do you think you’re going, _Toru-san?_ ” came Taka’s sweet voice behind him. Toru knows by now that he should fear for his _wellbeing_ whenever Taka makes his voice sounds like that. But yeah, he’s _dumb_ and it’s already too late anyways.

“Anywhere out of here!”

“But you promised, last night,” Toru gulped audibly when he felt Taka’s nails painfully digging into his shoulders, “ _Nee?_ ” The vocalist repeated, practically shoving him down on his seat again with a loud ‘thump!’, “ _Nee?_ ”

You. Damn. _Devil!_                                      

Toru craned his neck upwards, looking up at the wide grin on the vocalist’s face. It was _a bit too_ wide for his liking which can only be translated as _‘do what I fucking say Toru-san or do you want to get slapped in public, huh?’_ — giving him the chills because damn. Taka can really, really look intimidating even with his puny, little height.

_Am I really attracted to him?!_

The guitarist subtly glanced at the slightly _maniacal_ look on Taka’s face. He looks like he’s enjoying Toru’s misery— _and he’s not even trying to hide it!_

_Am I really attracted to this guy?!_

He huffed, crossing his arms over his chest like a _sulking_ child. Well, maybe he’s _actually_ sulking…

“I can’t fucking believe that you’re forcing me to do this!”

“No one’s forcing you,” Taka smartly retorted, his hands still firmly planted on Toru’s shoulder to prevent him from just… _bouncing away_ or something, “You promised me _, hai?_ A good man doesn’t break his oaths, ne? You’re a _good man_ , right, Toru-san?”

“I don’t give a flying fuck on being a good man,” he growled out.

“Well, too bad,” Taka said, “I _vaguely_ give a fuck.”

“I will fucking kill you, _you_ —,”

“Let’s not get _homo_ —,” Toru felt his heart skipped a motherfucking beat at that as he slightly, _very low-key_ panicked inside his mind— _oh god he knows, he knows shit **shit fuck**_ —, “I mean, _homicidal_ here, Toru-san,” Taka casually said as if it’s just a huge, _genuine_ mistake.

Oh.

Damn. _Over-reacting again, damn it._

Both of them looked up when a heavily tattooed man entered the room. And he’s holding a tray with needles and bottles and cotton balls and Toru was _almost_ ready to shit in his pants.

“Look, here’s Tsutomu-san. He’s the one who’s gonna do your piercing, ne?” Taka said, as if to slap this horrible fate on the guitarist’s face. But despite the looming predicament he’s in, Toru can’t help but to wonder how cute it is that this guy’s name is. Tsutomu. _It sounds like a girl’s name!_

But, whatever silliness that was blossoming on Toru’s mind was instantly— _mercilessly_ —wiped out when the vocalist’s body retreated as if he’s intending to leave him all alone—

“E-eh?!” Toru twisted his torso to grab the vocalist’s clothes— _his hands that Toru was so near to tear off his shoulders earlier_ —without getting up from his chair, “ _Matte, matte!_ You’re leaving me here?!” he incredulously asked.

Tsutomu-san and Taka _dumbly_ looked down at him—probably wondering why on earth _he’s getting hysterical for_ —but he couldn’t care any less.

_My ears about to get stabbed by those giant needles and you’re gonna leave me here?! Seriously?!_

So much for _the boundless support_ of eternal friendship.

His face is probably full of looks of betrayal because Taka oddly looked down at him, “What’s wrong, Toru-san? I’ll be in the lounge while Tsutomu-san do his stuffs here. I won’t go home—,”

His grip on the vocalist’s clothes _tightened_ —almost _ripping_ the fabric apart and for a moment, Toru feared that he’ll get the older teen _naked_ just by clutching at his expensive clothes like that.

…well, that sounds… _not that bad, huh._

_…but it’s still weird, and fucked up as…fuck._

…and also, he’s still into this shitty predicament, remember? This is _not the time_ on thinking _how to get their vocalist naked_ , damn it! N-not like there’s a right time to think on how to get their vocalist naked!

_God. This attraction-thingy is making my head hurts._

So, instead of worrying about his goddamned affections, he returned to _aggressively_ yanking on the vocalist’s clothes, “Don’t fucking leave me here!”

“This won’t take long, Yamashita-kun,” Tsutomu-san started, probably trying to lighten up the atmosphere but Toru might have _unconsciously_ snarled at him, making the big guy zipped his mouth shut in an instant, “ _M-maybe_ you should really stay for a while, Morita-san,” he suddenly turned and nodded at the _bewildered_ Taka, “he looks like he needs, uhm, moral support to get through this.”

“ _What the fuck_ —,”

“ _Just stay_ ,” Toru said through gritted teeth as he sit properly, facing forward again but with his pale hand still tightly clutching Taka’s clothes— _you know_ , just to make sure that he won’t escape or something, “This is your idea, anyway.”

Taka looked like he will be saying a lot more profanities but he probably decided that it’s better to just yield than to have a massive fight with Toru in a public place. So he just sighed in exasperation, “This is ridiculous, Toru-san. You act like a woman in labor who needs her husband while giving birth!”

Toru raised a dirty finger at him.

“But, _maa_ ,” Taka awkwardly cleared his throat as he put his smaller hand over Toru’s hand— _in an act of comfort and/or sympathy maybe?_

“Maybe I’ll stay to see your crying face, ne. You’d better be thankful, Toru-san, _mou_!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“I’m glad that Toru-nii and Mori-chan’s finally made up,” Ryota commented as he flipped through the design book of that tattoo shop. They were fascinating and cool so perhaps, when he grew older, he’ll have one or two on his arms? _It will be totally cool!_

He and Tomo-kun has been waiting in the lounge ever since the other two went inside. Alex-senpai is currently missing in action because of a _bad case of hung-over_.

“Yeah,” Tomo-kun nodded, “They’ve been talking as if nothing happened. Isn’t that great?”

“Hai…” Ryota said, wondering why Toru-nii suddenly wants to get his ears pierced. His Toru-nii isn’t really fond of needles and Mori-chan is already aware of that, _so why..?_

“It’s the power of friendship,” Tomo-kun was saying in the background, “I just hope that they won’t have another fight again. My hair’s gonna fall off if I stayed at Taka-chan's place for another night, you know?” he grimaced, as if he’s remembering something traumatic.

“Eh? Didn’t Mori-chan always feed you?”

“ _Maa,_ that’s right. He’s cooking good meals as usual, have I told you about the _katsudon_ he made last, last night? It’s the best! Like the real one!”

_A-re…is there such a thing as a fake katsudon..?_

Tomo-kun started bouncing _uncontrollably_ on the soft-cushion they’re sitting on to, “He’s really like a chef you know?” he said with a dreamy look on his face, but then, he suddenly mellowed out—his face falling into a worried frown, “but he’s also really snappy and restless. And he’s also doing… _weird things_ to me…” he said in a wary manner, his eyes darting behind him—probably scared that the vocalist would suddenly just _pop out of nowhere_ to throttle him.

Ryota gulped, He can feel the suspense lingering in the air at that. He’s not really good with suspense-thriller films and Tomo-kun is now almost whispering like they’re trading top-secret information.

“W-weird things?” he croaked out.

The drummer slowly nodded, glancing over his shoulder again, “He bought an eyeliner last, last day and he’s been practicing it on me.”

…

Ryota blinked at that. _That’s it?_ All this conspirational atmosphere just for that? Is that even weird? Aren’t all rock band use heavy eyeliners in the first place? _Hell, even Avril use a shit-ton of eyeliner, right?! Just look at her always-smiling face in the gazillion of posters in Toru-nii’s room!_

But it seems that the drummer is not yet done in spilling secrets.

“And he’s also tying up my hair, making me look like a _girl._ ”

…

Those words hung heavily in the air. No one spoke for a moment, no one moved. _No one even breathe_. There was a pure, deadly silence.

Ryota doesn’t have any idea on what’s wrong with getting your hair tied up like a girl because Tomo-kun is indeed, _somewhat_ , feminine-looking in the first place, but the drummer seems to be expecting him to go with the flow so he decided to _just copy_ the serious look on the older teen’s face.

They slowly stared at each other’s eye when suddenly, someone shouted from the inside—

“GAH!!!”

The voice sounds like Toru-nii!

—making the two also jump in shock, screaming their heads off, “ _Gaaaah!!!”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka sighed in distress when they finally emerged from the shop. Toru-san is huffing, sulking like the _huge baby_ he is and is now pretending that Taka is the most evil villain that was ever born into the world.

“Stop acting like a wimpy kid, Toru-san, mou!” he complained, flailing his limbs in exasperation while said guitarist shot him a nasty stare.

“Let’s get your ears stabbed by those _giant needles_ and let’s see if you’ll not act like a wimpy kid, Takahiro!”

_Oh, dear fuck!_

Taka’s eyes rolled back in irritation. Toru-san sure loves _exaggeratin_ g the truth, huh? He sighed and glanced at the other two members—Tomoya and Ryota—who’s suspiciously acting _nervous and skittish_ as if they’ve just committed a bloody murder and hid the victim’s body under the couch they’re sitting on. They threw Taka a questioning look, probably wondering why their usually calm as a Buddhist monk leader is now acting like the world had _bullied him to death_ or something.

 

_Tomoya: What happened?_

_Ryota: I told you this will happen, Mori-chan!_

 

Taka glared at the youngest. Of course, Ryota had told him—rather adamantly and slighlty hesitantly—that his _beloved_ Toru-nii is scared shitless of needles but Taka thought that the guitarist would man up to fulfill his— _drunken_ —promise to the vocalist.

Besides, Toru-san is manlier— _yeah, even if it’s annoying_ —than Taka so he should be able to take a tiny prick or two! Like a real man!

But no—Toru-san did nothing close to that _except the complete opposite_ of it. Taka almost burst out laughing as he recalled the pained, almost close-to-tears face of their guitarist earlier. It’s _cute._ Especially when the younger teen clutched Taka’s bare hands like his life fucking depended on it, while muttering curses and promises of torture and death threats towards the vocalist even if the needles are not anywhere near his ears.

Damn.

_That was really the best!_

Because, for once, Toru-san— _their mighty, stoic leader_ —is finally acting like a normal, easy-to-scared teenager that was younger than Taka! _Hah, take that Toru-san! You’re not as invincible as you think you are!_

Taka was having the best moments of his life just a few seconds ago, well, until Toru-san actually screamed like he’s being impaled by a fucking _katana_ rather than being pierced by a needle. Then the guitarist started gritting his teeth as if he’s so, _so_ close on strangling him right there and then.

“You’re not been stabbed!” Taka explained, his patience slipping away quickly, “your ears were pierced, like this!”

To make his point clear, he made a circle with his thumb and index and— _cough, cough_ —penetrate it with his other index finger to— _hopefully_ —demonstrate the needle piercing the skin or something.

Which _obviously_ came out wrong and—

“Why are you making _fucking_ motions with your hand?” Toru-san asked with a blank look on his face.

“I’m showing you how piercing is done, you dipshit!” and he even repeated the action, all while looking up at Toru-san with a challenging look on his face, “See this? You’re not stabbed, you asshole!”

_“Mom! That onii-chan’s making lewd actions—,”_

_“Shhh! Ignore them honey!”_

“Then what?” a huge, leering smirk have its glorious way on Toru-san’s thin lips, “Was I _fucked_?”

Taka swears that he felt this unfamiliar shiver ran up to his spine when Toru-san spoke that word with a loop-sided smirk on his usually-frowning lips, “Look, even the kids knew you’re making pervert tings with your hands, you _hentai_ —,”

That made Ryota and Tomoya instantly howled in laughter, making Taka flush in humiliation. Why is everyone taking his actions as a sign of perverseness, huh? As if they’re not also _oozing_ with hentai-ness, especially their damn leader!

“I’m not, mou!” he snapped, glaring at everyone, especially at the rhythm guitarist who’s suddenly looking fine and normal— _far from the pathetic wuss he is just a few seconds ago_. He’s smirking and teasing Taka to oblivion like he’s totally fine and back to normal. It’s good for Taka’s conscience but not for his infamous short-temper.

“Whatever,” he muttered, as he stalked towards the exit of the shop, “Come on, let’s eat,” he said.

No one answered him.

In fact, no one even followed his steps. They all just remained rooted on their spots, looking at Taka rather _expectantly_ as if waiting for him to say the magic words.

Taka scowled, “My treat—,”

“ _Yosha!_ ” the three simultaneously cheered in unison as they filtered out of the shop, leaving a sulking and totally-bullied ( _well, at least, in his perception_ ) Takahiro behind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

After stuffing their faces of f _ree_ meals from the vocalist, they all went to their merry way back home. Ryota and Tomoya said that they will be going to an arcade shop and/or move around through playing baseball in _god-knows-where_ part of Tokyo. So, that automatically leaves the two behind, in a rather awkward silence.

They’re standing in front of a jewelry shop, watching as the drummer and the bassist practically bounced on their every step as they walked away from the two _. I swear, they’re just fucking kids in the bodies of teenagers._

“Uhm…” Toru-san cleared his throat beside him, “I guess, I’ll be heading home now?”

“WHY.”

—was Taka’s _automatic_ reply. _Wow_. It’s funny how he didn’t even spare a second to respond to the guitarist’s words huh. Toru-san glanced sideways, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, with his eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“What do you mean, why? Can’t I just go home?” he said, making Taka wince at the seemingly harshness of those words, “I mean, I still have to pack up my things and think of… _stuffs,_ ” he uttered that last word with so much difficulty before he averted his gaze.

_Hmmm…_

So, Toru-san can also step back and… _think of things, huh_? Not that Taka doesn’t believe that the younger teen is capable of doing that. He just…he just thought that Toru-san would spend the night in his unit again, _you know_ , to make songs and melodies, and watch movies and/or music videos— _anything, really_ —just to spend more time with the guitarist.

They’ve spend a week without talking nor directly interacting with each other, so it’s just reasonable that Taka would want to spend more time with their leader, right?

_Right?_

“ _Maa…_ ” Taka slowly said with a _hint_ of disappointment…and a _huge pout_ on his face, as he averted his gaze towards the glass wall of the jewelry shop. Of course, Toru-san would still want some time for his own. Without a _bitchy/moody/snappy/noisy_ vocalist hanging around every damn second of the day, but…

_But what about me?_

Sure he’s getting more friends in a steady pace but…but he’s still somewhat reluctant to allow more people in his life. There’s really no one to trust during this time— _especially the adults._ And the people who had known him since his younger years—the fans, the news, the people who knew about his parents—the people who knew why he had to leave NEWS back then.

They’re probably just lurking in the corners, mingling with the small crowd in the cramped live houses and watching— _waiting for Taka to fail_ and bring more disgrace to his family once more. They’re probably just intrigued to see a former idol now singing and banging his head to some pop-rock music in the dark clubs.

So, no—Taka doesn’t have any more friends to hang out with, that’s why…

_That’s why…_

Before he knew it, his body started shaking uncontrollably. It’s not because of cold, per se. Hell, it’s just a few weeks before summer and the air is getting warmer each day.  So Taka can all blame his shivering because of this…this _unreasonable fear of being left behind_ —of being left alone. _Even just for a night._

_Oh god, since when did I become such an attention-whore, huh?!_

_What’s next? Me asking for hugs and kisses from Toru-san?!_ Taka thought.

And then he considered throwing himself out in the traffic where a car would _hopefully_ hit his body to death.

…

…

Oh. My. God. _WHAT. THE. HELL. WAS. THAT._

Fuck, did he just thought of that? Seriously? Hugs and kisses from Toru-san?! Why would he even want it, dammit—

Flashbacks— _again, because they barged into your mind when you least need it_ —of the short, brief, and strawberry-flavored kiss in the cold, dark genkan of his previous unit and the countless times that Toru-san had crushed ( _well, Taka might have did it on his own, occasionally_ ) his body against his own to make Taka feel warm, make him feel safe, secured, and that there’s someone there for him.

—Fine. He _might have_ liked it. _A little_. But those are different! They’re…they just happened because of the _intense arguments/freaking-out_ business they often have! It’s not as if Taka actually asked for those so fuck it! He’s not gonna beg for a hug nor a kiss from this… _this annoyingly good-looking_ man beside him, whose half-lidded eyes were studying Taka’s face like a giant puzzle to solve.

_Naturally_ , he felt the urge to snap at Toru-san.

“W-what the hell are you looking at!?” he stuttered. God. _So lame._

“Your hands,” he calmly said as if he’s done with Taka suddenly snapping at everyone for almost everything, “they’re shaking. Are you cold?”

“And if I say yes?”

“Then put it in my pants.”

…

…

Taka’s eyebrows almost shot up out of his head at that. Meanwhile, Toru-san took a few seconds before he realized that trash that just went out of his stupid mouth. His eyes widened and almost rolled out of their sockets as he struggled to not choke in embarrassment.

“I—I mean, _yours_!” he hastily explained, making Taka raise his brow even higher—if that’s even possible—, “Put them in your pants! Don’t look at me like that, you moron! _As if I’ll let you_ shove your hands into my pants!”

“Well, yeah coz you’re the one _who loves shoving your hands into my crotch,_ remember?”

Toru-san leaped out of his side and almost strangled Taka to death because _now that I’m thinking of it, I should’ve not said that aloud in public—_

“Oh my god, homos!” someone said in the sidewalk. They probably heard Taka’s words and decided that it’s fun to say their opinions _aloud._ So, naturally, Taka returned the favor.

He flashed his middle finger to the middle-school students and glared at them, “Who the fuck asked for your opinions, you little shits?!” he snarled, all while evading Toru-san’s hands that were still intent on wringing his neck like a damp cloth.

Instead of getting scared shitless, the students just laughed their hearts out while pointing their grubby, _sausage-like_ fingers at Taka, “Come on, let’s go! We wouldn’t want to catch your _sickness_ , you _pop-punk homo_!”

“ _WHAT DID YOU SAID_ —,”

Taka was about to kick everyone’s asses because _no one should get away_ from calling him a pop-punk homo— _or homo, for all that mattered because FYI he’s clearly not_ —unscathed. But then, Toru-san growled beside him, sending looks of _utter devastation_ and death towards the kids. The students jumped in shock before they ran the hell away from them—probably getting frightened by their _really-frightening_ leader. Taka watched as the kids run as if they’re being chased by _a horde of marathon-runner_ zombies until they completely went out of his sight.

“Well…” he started, putting his hands on his chest before he regarded the suddenly silent guitarist beside him, “I could’ve kicked their ass even if you didn’t lend a hand, Toru-san.”

But said Toru-san wasn’t listening anymore. He’s actually glaring at the grown with a huge frown on his face like someone just burned his house down or something equally… _devastating._

_What happened?_

“H-hey,” he gulped, his hand itching to grab the guitarist’s sleeves and hold his hand— _probably squeeze it tenderly to comfort him_ —, “What’s wrong Toru-san? Are you…are you alright?”

“Sickness…” he softly said, barely above a whisper that Taka had to leaned closer in order to hear it better, “They called it _sickness_ …”

What?

“What are you talking about—,”

And then, Toru-san’s head rolled back as he laughed out loud— _cackling like a motherfucking crow_. What the hell. Taka’s eyes widened as the guitarist laughed a bit… _hysterically_ when there’s really nothing funny to laugh about.

_Maybe, Toru-san is having mental issues?!_

“Sick,” he said, “So, I’m sick?”

_He’s now talking to himself?!_

_What should I do?! Should I bang his head to make him unconscious and send him to a mental asylum?! But our band would fucking collapse like dominoes without a leader! I’ll fucking die without Toru-san!_

…

OKAY. That part was probably just an _exaggeration_ on his part but damn, Toru-san is starting to scare the living daylights out of him!

“Is that…” and then, he suddenly stopped howling in laughter and mellowed out, looking _at lost_ and _confused_ and _hurt_ and _scared_ all at the same time—and Taka wished that _he wasn’t there_ to witness that because god, _it sure fucking hurts huh_ —, “Is that really wrong..?” he asked, to no one in particular.

…

Taka knows that he have to do something or else, Toru-san would just start eating his hair and/or running around, _while naked_ , in the streets while screaming indecipherable Japanese with thick Kansai accent. So he threw all his reservations outside the fucking window and gripped the man’s shoulder, forcing the guitarist to look down at him in shock.

Like he had totally forgotten that Taka is still there.

_What the fuck._

“Shit, Toru-san, calm the fuck down,” he hissed through clenched teeth, “You’re scaring me with your murmurings. Are you summoning _yokais_ or what?”

Toru-san blinked down at him, scrutinizing Taka with those wide, intense eyes before sighing in defeat and looking away, “I’m summoning the _strength_ to not punch you for attracting unwanted attention to us, asshole.”

That was harsh but still better than murmuring words to himself. _Well, you can’t have everything, ne?_

Taka bit his lip as his eyes darted in the glass wall, past the stands of shiny gold necklaces until they landed on the counter where the earrings are displayed. Then his gaze went back to the still red ears of the guitarist.

_Holy shit, I’m a genius_!

“Let’s go home, ne,” he said, as he slowly intertwined their fingers together— _inwardly grinning in triumph when the guitarist visibly relaxed at the contact of their skin,_ “But first, let me buy something, okay?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

In the end, Taka bought two pairs of earrings. He obviously had forgotten the sets he bought for the rhythm guitarist’s birthday last December—which was probably buried under his drawers—so he bought two pairs again. One for him, and another for Toru-san.

He got the diamond-looking stud while Toru-san begrudngily—because he’s too adamant on not receiving another free stuffs from the vocalist—chose the same design, only with an onyx-like appearance.

Then they went to eat in the ramen house because bickering like an _old, married couple_ inside a jewelry shop and throwing insults and cusses at each other for almost an hour is taxing that it made them starving as hell.

Then Toru-san walked him back home, _squeezing his hand gently_ —as if he’s reassuring Taka or himself or who-the-fuck-knows—before going back to his dorm unit. Taka was supposed the one who’ll comfort and walk the guitarist home, but as he stares at his grinning— _oops, that’s a too wide smile!_ —reflection and the glimmering studs on his either ears, he thought that it _wasn’t too bad after all._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The earrings mentioned in this chapter were the ones I saw Toru-san was wearing during their Yahoo Live Talk back in 2007.  
> -Tsutomu-san's name was taken from Tomoya's answer in a Monster Rock episode.
> 
> God. Their word-slips are making me nauseous as fuck.
> 
> Thank you for waiting (if there's actually someone who's patiently checking for updates) and reading! Your feedbacks are all well-loved~!


	8. Yoru Ni Shika Sakanai Mangetsu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panic. Panic.
> 
> "We may have made mistakes  
> But we’re determined to shine on in order to not fall down"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im back with another update~! It's short though XD  
> Forgive all my mistakes and OOC-ness.
> 
> Also! I was watching the Vans Warped Tour 2014 Interview and it's hilarious as fuck! Taka looked like an embarrassed parent while Ryota was talking! And Taka's expression when he said that his first kiss tasted like strawberries LMAO XD. In case you haven't watched it (like me, I just found it today) here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liV6yVqFwFk.
> 
> Anyways~! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Their lives went full throttle after that. It was almost night after night, in various live houses across Tokyo and the Kantou area. They have been somewhat busy— _well_ —they like to think that they _were_ , compared to other teen at their ages.

Especially Toru, who would be moving out of the dorm as soon as they finished packing all his things up—which seems _not gonna happen today or until the next week_ because there’s Takahiro who’s _passionately_ going through his stuffs as if he fucking owns it.

“What the _hell_ are you even doing here?” he spat, looking up—from the clothes he’s been _rumpling and shoving_ into a suitcase—to glanced at their vocalist who’s busy flipping through his porn magazines.

 _Porn magazines_ , to be exact.

“I’m here to _help_ you move out.”

“But you’re _not_ even helping me.”

“Hey!” Taka sounded _terribly_ offended at that, “I’m the one who found you a great unit, remember? Can’t you be more _appreciative_ for once?”

_Appreciative, my ass._

Toru snorted. Yes, it was indeed Taka who found a unit for him. It was located near the main streets with windows looking over the alley where students would normally pass.

“You chose that place to see girls passing by!” he accused, totally jealous that Taka still looks at someone else— _instead of, I don’t know_ —focusing his entire attention to _him_.

WOW.

_Clingy-much?_

He sighed, _tiredly._

It was one of the greatest realizations since Alex-senpai practically _slapped_ the “ _he’s attracted to Taka” thingy_ a few weeks ago.

He can now freely name the _ugly, bitter_ feeling he constantly have to swallow whenever Taka is _casually_ throwing his bright smile to everyone; whenever he would laugh at someone else’s joke—which is a huge blow on his pride because Toru can’t crack a joke _for life_ —or just plainly talking with them. It’s _unreasonable, immature_ , and totally _ridiculous_ , but what can he do?

It’s like every hormones in his body is screaming to _monopolize_ they vocalist— _to monopolize Takahiro!_

…

Damn it!

Why does it sound so fucking wrong?

And _desperate?_

Even Alex-senpai is getting… _annoying_ these days. The half-American would always be watching the two of them like _hawk_ , and whenever Taka would rebuff Toru’s whines and irrelevant, cold remarks, he would cackle and laugh his heart out like the big _motherfucker_ he is.

But despite being a _huge asshole_ , he’s still…somewhat glad that Alex-senpai didn’t breathe any word to Taka about Toru’s uhm… _you know…_

It’s like the lead guitarist is leaving all the shits and decisions and burdens on Toru’s shoulder—leaving him the chance to tell Taka his feelings or forever hold his silence in peace. It was _maddening_ , seriously—making him burn more cigarette sticks and spend sleepless nights while watching MV’s and listening to music and suddenly getting lost in his thoughts about their vocalist.

If it’s not for their constant lives and radio guestings, Toru would probably just smash his head open to the nearest hard surface to escape his thoughts.

“Why are you always assuming that I do things just to _hit on girls_ , huh?!” he was pulled out of his thoughts when Taka— _the man invading his thoughts and **we**_ —dreams—dramatically sighed across him.

“Because you are _always_ hitting on girls!”

“I’m not Alex!” he defended, slamming the magazine shut, “I swear that shit would fuck anyone— _anything_ —wearing a skirt!”

_Aren’t you the same?!_

Toru huffed in annoyance as he shoved more clothes into the cramped suitcase. The clothes were crumpled and ruined _as hell_ but he decided to just iron them when he moves in. He just wants to finish packing, eat some ramen and smoke a stick or two.

“How about you, Toru-san?” Taka asked with a suddenly _wary_ voice, “Are you seeing _someone_ right now?”

His brow instantly rose at that.

_Oh-hoh._

_What’s this?_

Since when did Taka get interested in his personal life? Since when did he pry into Toru’s affairs— _if there’s even any?_

Toru inwardly grinned. He would love to draw this moment longer—make Taka think that he’s _indeed_ dating someone and see if there’s any indication— _even if it’s a small one_ —that he’s objecting or something.

“Where that did even came from?” he coolly asked.

“From my mouth, _moron_.”

“Ah,” Toru blandly smiled, wincing at Taka’s brutal words. He really should mince his words next time or else, Toru would have to resort to… _dire methods_ to shut him up.

“I mean,” Taka began, his eyes widening in _delight_ as if he’s telling a really awesome story, “You have a lot of fans, Toru-san! I think half of our guests came into our lives because of your face! And Alex’s!”

Toru’s face remained impassive.

“You don’t _say_ …” he slowly said while bravely _fighting off the disgusting blush_ that’s threatening to explode on his pale cheeks. He had been told that he’s _somewhat_ good-looking countless of times now but to her it straight from Taka’s mouth? He’s instantly a _goner._

It was so fucking different like…

…like he wants to _curl up_ in embarrassment…

…like he wants to grin at the flattery being— _albeit obviously forced_ —thrown at his face.

…like he wants to _punch_ Taka for suddenly spouting those compliments—even if it’s indirect—out of the blue. What does it even had to do with Toru dating someone at the moment?!

“It’s true!” Taka insisted before leaning back on his arms, “Those girls are _super crazy_ about you. One girl even asked me to give a gift to you—,”

“WHAT.”

“Isn’t it _insulting_?!” Taka was obviously on a roll so he hadn’t noticed that Toru’s jaws just hung open at this sudden revelation.

“ _Matte, matte_ ,” he said, his brows knitting in confusion, “Why am I not aware of this?!”

“Probably because I _just_ told you!” Taka smartly blurted out before fidgeting on the hem of his baggy shirt—his almond-shaped eyes averting their gaze away like an elusive prey.

“And…” Toru slowly said, making the vocalist visibly flinch in guilt and nervousness, “Where’s this… _gift_ now..?”

“ _Maa,_ ” the older teen shrugged, “It’s just strawberry shortcake. Home-made with cute letterings of her undying— _blegh_ —,” Taka made a disgusted face, “—love for you and—,”

“Taka…” he impatiently tapped his fingers on the floor, prompting the vocalist to just spill it.

“—and I really didn’t mean to—,”

“Where’s the cake, _Takahiro_?”

“I made Tomoya ate it!” Takahiro snapped— _fucking finally_ —under the intense pressure. He even had the audacity to huff and puff his cheeks like a blowfish—as if he’s the one being bullied here, “All of it!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Somewhere in the other part of the neighborhood.

“A-achoo!” Tomoya sneezed, just before Alex pitched a fast ball. His concentration was ruined, making him squeeze his eyes shut for microseconds—and forget that there’s a hard ball zooming towards his _lower regions_ like a fucking bullet train—

“Ahhh!!!” he screamed as he fall sideways with a loud thump on the moist earth—his hands cradling his _scrambled_ …private parts, “ _Itaiiiii_!!!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, wondering on what did he do _wrong_ to deserve this strike on his groin.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

There was an awkward, _lengthy_ silence that fell between them as Toru stared the shit out of Taka. His large eyes are staring at his firm while his mind is reeling for the possible reasons on why would the vocalist give the gift to Tomoya.

It’s not like he really minds it—it’s just a _goddamned cake_ anyway from a girl he doesn’t even know—but the fact that Taka _purposely_ hid that small detail from him…makes him want to think that…

What?

Taka doesn’t want any girl from giving him presents?

Taka is _jealous?_

Taka is _possessive_ of him?

…

…

Even before Toru can stop himself, he’s already starting to cough like he’s being assaulted by tuberculosis or something. For a moment, he even thought that he’s gonna cough his intestines out due to the sheer intensity of that particular fit.

Meanwhile, Taka is gawking at him—probably thinking why he suddenly erupted in a violent coughing fit even if he’s fine just a few seconds ago. His eyes widening before he realized that he should be concerned for their leader’s well-being. He suddenly jumped towards Toru, his brows knitted in concern.

“Hey, what the fuck, Toru-san?” he asked, while _brutally_ slapping his back, “Are you alright?!”

Toru tried to say that Taka should stop banging his back like that or he’ll _really end up puking his guts out_ but he found it difficult to speak when every ounce of air in your lungs is being forced out of your body—

“ _Guh—sta—iot!_ ”

“Huh?!” Taka even slapped his back _even harder_ , “What’s wrong Toru-san?!”

He shoved the vocalist’s hand away and snarled at him, “W- _whahats_ ’s wrong?!” he glared, “Stop hitting my back you idiot!”

“But I thought you need help!”

“Help to what?” he spat.

“Get things out of your, uh,” Taka pointed a weak finger at Toru-s chest, “chest?”

What the fuck.

_OH GOD HE KNOWS—_

_HE KNOWS THAT I’VE ASKED ALEX-SENPAI FOR SHITTY FUCK FUCK HE KNOWS THAT I’M ATTRACTED TO HIM HE KNOWS HOLY FUCKING SHIT—_

He was hyperventilating again—but this time, because of a different reason. He hadn’t thought of it before, but what would Taka think _of him_ if he discovers that Toru is…harboring some kind of special feelings for him? Would he _acknowledge_ it? Would he _return_ it?

Or…

Or he would _deny_ it, _ignore_ Toru’s affections and treat it as some form of _sick joke_ or something?

Or worse, Taka might hate him. Because, _apparently_ , he’s indeed a homo.      

_Gay for Moriuchi Takahiro._

Oh God, that sounds so _horrible_.

He suddenly had the image of those middle-schoolers calling him _sick_ and _pop-punk homo_ flashing right through his battered brain. Well, they’re probably screaming that at Taka but Toru felt like a giant arrow stabbed right through his chest upon hearing those weeks ago!

 

He’s so sure that he’ll die at that moment—his brain is getting toasted and shits for over-thinking—so imagine his surprise when a pair of warm, soft hands suddenly appeared out of nowhere, encasing his feverish skin and forcing him to look straight on Takahiro’s almond-shaped eyes.

“Toru-san?” Taka asked in worry, as he nipped his lower lip in confusion, “Are you alright? Seriously? Are you sick again?”

And that…

That cleared Toru’s mind in an _instant._ Taka’s voice, his eyes, his nose, his lips, his hands— _everything that he is_ —made Toru focused and stayed rooted in reality. The fog that was enveloping his mind just a few seconds ago suddenly vanished and cleared up, giving him the sight of Taka’s flustered face—and Toru can only see him— _him and only him._

_Ughhhh…_

He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut as he leaned towards Taka’s soft hands—relishing at the warmth, soft confines of those god-sent feminine hands.

_This attraction-shit sucks…_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka was expecting that their mighty leader would jump away from his touch. Well, Toru-san might be the one who’s always initiating contact but he’s not really… _how should I say this_ … _that_ open to someone else touching him. And that includes Taka, himself.

To Takahiro’s surprise, the other teen didn’t startle, jerk away, or even glare at him. Toru-san just leaned into the older’s touch with a pained, confused, _constipated-like_ expression on his face, shutting his eyes closed.

_What’s wrong Toru-san?_

He wanted to ask that, really _really_ bad but he can see— _he can feel_ —the waves of distress that’s practically rolling from the rhythm guitarist so he decided to just, _for once_ , stay quiet. It’s a _colossal_ pain the ass, but he can do it— _he can do everything_ —just for this _stupid, perverted stalking piece of shit_.

He just sifted through the younger’s spiky locks while pressing his hand to Toru-san’s forehead, inwardly grinning when the guitarist _sighed and nestled_ into his palms. He doesn’t feel like he’s burning up from a fever, but he’s still warmer than normal.

They’ve stayed in that position for a long time without speaking any word. _It’s not needed anyways_ , Taka thought. They’ve stayed closed to each other, _well_ , until Taka’s eyes landed on Avril Lavigne’s smiling face.

Smiling _directly_ at him.

He suddenly felt nervous as fuck because, _one_ , he’s not supposed to be relishing at the fact that Toru’s almost this close in leaning towards him, _and two_ , it’s fucking weird to have wide, sparkling eyes lined with thick eyeliners starting at you _WHILE_ you’re relishing at the fact that Toru-san is almost leaning towards him!

Goddammit, _WTF bitch scared the shit out of me!_

“So, what are you gonna do about these?” he suddenly blurted out, making the guitarist jolt in surprise as he leaned back away—making Taka _slightly_ scowl in disappointment and almost— _almost_ —grab Toru-san’s head and shove it into his chest or something. _Almost_ , because he will definitely not do that. _Not in a million years._

_Maa…_

Anyways, Toru-san looked at him in bewilderment, “What the fuck?” he asked, in a disgruntled manner as if he’s really pissed that Taka just _mercilessly_ smashed the comfortable atmosphere between them, “What are you even talking about?”

“About…” Taka loudly cleared his throat. It’s not like he really needs it—his throat is fortunately fine these days, _thank you very much_ —but he needs— _terribly needs_ —to escape that mind-shattering gaze, “About all of your Avril stuffs. You’re gonna bring them over your new house or what?”

…

Toru-san’s mouth parted open, and Taka got scared that he’ll lash out because _there he is_ —looking pathetic and _practically begging for comfort_ —while Taka is wondering whether he’ll bring his Avril posters in his new home, but to the vocalist’s relief, the younger teen just sighed.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “They’re _a lot_ so…”

“A lot?” Taka can’t help himself from making a snarky comment on that, “You _think_ that’s a lot? You’ve got her face plastered almost on _every inch_ of your room, Toru-san! Of course, that’s a lot!”

“What are you shouting for, then?!” the guitarist huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, “ _Maa_ , I think I’ll just boxed her. I’m growing up and having your idol’s posters in your room is a bit strange, na?”

“I don’t know,” Taka scoffed, “I’m not the one who’s sleeping while being watched with a _gazillion_ of Avril Lavigne’s right?” and then his eyes widened in sudden realization. He should’ve thought of that as early as the first time he went sleeping in Toru-san’s dorm unit but since he’s an _oblivious idiot_ who would rather read the younger’s stash of porn magazine and/or fiddle with his macbook instead of paying attention to _more_ important things…

 “Wait, don’t tell me— _oh God, Toru-san, have you had no shame?!_ ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was that ahahahahahaha so effin lame I'm crying XD
> 
> Please tell me what you think! Thank you for reading~!


	9. Kemuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toru-san has a really, really pervert mind.
> 
> "Today again, from morning until night, not a single good thing happened  
> Still time passes as just our bodies and iron keep oxidizing  
> As if only harmful things have been born into this world  
> What I want to do is hindered by another"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoh! Here I come with the continuation of the previous chapter! I meant no offense nor harm for anything I've written in this chapter. Especially the mention of religious figures, and of course, Avril Lavigne.  
> This is also a short one!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the mistakes, OOC-ness, and errors.

Toru’s eyes narrowed when Taka suddenly shrieked like a _bashful_ teenage girl and eyed his… _crotch_ like it personally offended the vocalist. He knows that Taka is thinking of something _rude and ridiculous_ so he scowled as he waited for the bomb that the _midget_ would definitely drop any moment from now.

“You…while Avril-chan’s face is all over your walls, _don’t tell me_ you…” a horrified, yet teasing look formed on the older’s face, “jerk off right he— _mpgh_!”

“I do not!” Toru yelled in indignation as he hollered a bundled shirt on the vocalist’s face, making the smaller teen almost fell on his back.

_I knew it!_

_You and your dirty-as-a-public-sewer-mind, you—_

“What’s that for!?” Taka snarled as he pulled the cloth that was aggressively launched onto his face, “And you really sucks on lying, Toru-san!”

“I’m _not_ lying!”

“Uh-huh,” Taka put the shirt down on the floor and _automatically_ started folding it with violent huffs and puffing of air, “You’re telling me that you’ve _never_ jack off here in your unit since you started living in the Amuse Dorm?”

“What—,”

“So, tell me, when did you change your name as _Jesus Christ or Buddha_ , huh? You’re a fucking normal teenager, Toru-san! And a _normal_ teenager normally does those _stuffs_!”

“I _am_ a normal teenager!” he defended, not really sure how did they get into this kind of conversation. And what’s worse is that this perverted-midget is constantly thinking that teens usually masturbates whenever they’re alone or something, because _duh_ , _that’s what Taka probably usually does you moron—_

God. How he hates this _mind-conscience-thingy_ so much!

Taka finished folding Toru’s cloth like a fucking _PRO_ and placed it on his lap before throwing a nasty, unbelieving glare at the guitarist.

"Just because you spend your time alone _constantly_ jacking off doesn't mean that everyone is the same!" he said, even if he's not sure that someone can actually constantly jerk off, "I’m not a huge pervert like you!"

"What I do during my free time is absolutely none of your concern!" he flailed his hand for emphasis, unconsciously pointing to the shit ton of stuffs that they still need to pack, "besides, it's not like I really have _that_ much free time, coz _you know_ , you're always _popping out of nowhere_ in my unit, remember?!"

And for some dumb, _disturbing_ unknown reason, Toru felt slightly smug at that fact.

 _Damn right_ , he huffed in slight satisfaction.

But then, he suddenly realized that of all the _(countless)_ times that he had barged— _not trespassed because that's such a strong word to be used in this context—_ they're friends so it's just natural to do that, right? _Pssssh_ , whatever—into the vocalist's unit, he haven’t caught him in the act while, _you know_ , pants _off_ , face flushed, and short breaths puffing out of his partly opened lips, with his hand steadily gliding up and down his _coc_ —

 _Oh, damn._ There’s those _indecent_ thoughts again, Toru mentally groaned, especially when he notices that his own member is _slightly_ twitching and threatening to stand rigid like a fucking _pole_ in his pants.

Good thing that Taka didn't seemed to notice it because he's probably thinking on how to maneuver the conversation back to Toru and torture him with his _perverted, off-handed_ comments and _baseless_ accusations.

"So, if you’re not masturbating in your room," the vocalist hummed thoughtfully as his fingers massaged his chin in wonder, "how about the girl you like? Are you _banging_ her here with Avril-chan as a _witness_ , you _dirty old dog_?" he leered.

Toru instantly went _violently_ coughing at that. God, what's wrong with this kid?! How can Taka assume that he's— _as Taka had magnificently enunciated it_ —banging someone at the moment?! Like it's some sort of normal thing?!

And more importantly, _I'm younger than you so don't call me an old dog! And perverted!_ But he did not say that aloud and instead said something stupid like:

"What girl?!" he _might_ have said that in a totally guilty and _somewhat_ freaked-out voice because the vocalist automatically shot him a nasty look.

"The girl you like, duh," Toru missed the _slight bitterness_ on the older's face when he said—no, hissed through gritted teeth-the words, "the _Pokémon girl_ , remember?"

Oh...

 _The Pokémon girl_ , Toru blandly smiled as he realized that _yes_ , the Pokémon girl has been the codename for the person he _l-likes…_ also-known-as the wonderful Moriuchi/Morita/ _what's-his-face_ Takahiro. And that, _yes_ , he's now past the difficult, _pain-in-the-ass_ phase of _denying_ that he's indeed attracted to this insufferable brat. And that he really should be disgusted as fuck but _damn_.

_Damn._

Toru loudly cleared his throat, but it probably sounds like he's trying to cough out his esophagus or something, and _tried_ to defend his side.

" _First_ of all," he raised his index finger for emphasis, making the older look up at him in slight hopefulness and interest—

"What? You're still not hitting the 3rd base?"

"No," he sternly said, "I was about to say that no one is allowed to enter the dormitory unless you’re an Amuse talent. Remember the times you have to climb the Sakura tree outside just to get into my room?"

Taka frowned, " _Well_ , yeah, damn how many times did I fall face flat on the snow again, Toru-san?"

He shrugged as he fought to stop himself from suddenly g _iggling_ like a complete lunatic as the memories of a _flustered, huffing and partly buried_ Takahiro flooded his mind. It was so funny every time that the vocalist would attempt to jump towards the tree but instead land on the thick snow on the ground.

_Ah, natsukashii..._

"Countless of times, definitely," Taka huffed before glancing at him again, "but what if she's also in Amuse huh? What if Pokémon girl is _actually_ a talent also living in this dorm, huh?"

This time, Toru didn't fail to notice how the vocalist practically _spat_ those words like venoms. It's clear that Taka himself is uncomfortable about that topic; why he insists on talking about is really beyond Toru's comprehension anymore.

"I was about to say that," he choked back a shit-ton of profanity, "point number two, I do not like _any girl_ right now,"

 ** _Only you_** , he wanted to add but instantly decided against it coz you know, there will surely be _dire consequences._

Like Taka _banishing_ him into a faraway island in the north where he would die because of snow and not having any kind of human interaction or music— _goddammit_ —if that's even possible. _Huuuh._ He's not sure if Taka is rich enough to do that but this is _Taka_ we're talking about here. _You know, the insanely rich with a lot of connections, Takahiro?_

Or worse, Taka would throw an _overly disgusted_ look at him. Like he's sick. Like he have an incurable, contagious disease. Like he's an abomination— _a freak of nature_.

Then it would _completely crush_ whatever feelings are blossoming within Toru's chest.

 _Then_ Taka would banish him to a faraway island in the north to die.

...

...

Well, that... _sucks_. And _depressing_.

But now that he's thinking about it, he really should clarify that he's not banging anyone— _any girl_ —at the moment. However, he would _gladly_ welcome the idea of...doing _things_ to a certain Pokémon vocalist which would make him _flushed_ and _moaning_ with that pretty voice of his and _naked_ — _of fucking course_ —completely nake—

He coughed again, because those indecent thoughts are invading his mind again. Damn. If this continues, he would definitely go to the nearest Shinto shrine and _dunk_ himself into the _water of purification_ or something.

Taka, _on the other hand_ , is eyeing him suspiciously. His almond-shaped eyes narrowing into sharp slits as he scrutinized the guitarist's slightly shaking form....and _his crotch_. His _tenting_ crotch--

What.

_What the hell?!_

He muttered out loud as his eyes snapped downwards, focusing on the obvious bulge that's on his crotch. He can feel his cheeks flaring in humiliation, especially when Taka followed his eye movement and burst into... _massive giggling fits_.

"Oh god, _ahahahahahaha_!!!" his annoyingly melodious laughter ring across the entire dorm room, as Toru covered his crotch with both of his hands, "are you that horny, Toru-san?! Just thinking about this...this..." Taka _vaguely_ grimaced before grinning from ear to ear again, "this Pokémon girl makes you hard almost _instantly_?! What the fuck?! Ahahahahahaha!!!"

"I'm not horny!"

Taka didn't even contradict that because he's too busy laughing his ass off. Well, Toru wouldn't really want to deny that he's turned on just by thinking of the Pokémon person _ehem_ —Takahiro— _ehem_ but the vocalist would surely not let him off for this for, _like_ , the next few weeks _at the least_.

"Right," the older teen snorted in disbelief, "and I'm the _queen_ of the world."

...

Their eyes met at that. Then, as they slowly realized what shit had just went flying out of Taka's mouth, and especially when Toru's brow slowly rose in curiosity, the vocalist instantly went to defend himself.

"I _mean_ king! I'm the _king_ of the world— _ugh,_ don't give me that look, you perverted old man!" he said in complete infuriation while Toru had to zipped his lips tight to prevent any sort of snickering to escape his mouth—

"Don't fucking _laugh_ , you asshole!" Taka cried in indignation, looking like a cute, _murderous_ poodle.

— _okay, I obviously failed at it but ahahahhahaha really, Taka? Queen of the world?_ Toru was not aware that their vocalist is also aspiring for _world domination! Pfffft!_

"Besides, you should focus on more important things, like," he said before suddenly pointing a finger towards the guitarist's bulging...dilemma, "your _goddamned boner_!"

That irked Toru.

 _How dare you point to my dick_ —well, the _general direction_ of my dick— _like that, you ass?!_

"Then what do you _want_ me to do about it, huh?!" he hissed, mentally wincing when his hard on rubbed on the rough fabric of his denim pants, "do you want me to relieve myself _right here, right now?!_ "

 ...

Taka's mouth hanged open in shock at that. He obviously didn't saw that coming but _what can I do?! I'm at my wit's end here!_

 And he's constantly bringing the conversation towards his boner! And Taka looking like that—full lips wide, open in a big O, cheeks flaring in embarrassment and disgust and disbelief and all shits, while looking at Toru as if _he just flashed his_ dick or something equally promiscuous—doesn't really help his situation.

 _Oh shit, shit don't you dare_ —he mentally reprimanded his lower regions to calm the fuck down.

Taka gulped audibly, with Toru watching as his Adam's apple bobbed down and up his throat.

That was the _last fucking straw_.

_I can't take it anymore!_

Much to Taka's horror, his hand went flying down to the zipper of his jeans and pulled it down—

"Eh?! _Matte, chotto matte kudasai_ , Toru-san!" he shrieked as he realized whatever he's planning to do, "are you really planning to jack off while I'm here?!"

Instead of answering, Toru just glared at the vocalist as if he's the _most moronic_ person on earth for asking that stupid question even if it's already _obvious_ what he's planning to do.

"Seriously?!" Taka gasped, looking completely horrified.

"Yeah, so _fucking_ what?" he said through clenched teeth, his fingers twitching to just pull out his member and relieve the pain he's currently feeling. Taka choked at that, but he's too _gone_ to even care. Unlike Taka who got embarrassed as shit the last time he got a boner, Toru doesn’t really give a fuck if the vocalist sees him jacking off. _Male friends usually do that, right?_

No?

_Whatever._

Taka stared at him more, the blush high on his cheeks intensifying as seconds ticked by.

"What?!" Toru snapped, making the vocalist jolt in surprise, "you're gonna leave or should I start masturbating even if you’re watching—"

"Gah, you fucking perverted _dinosaur_!!!" Taka screamed at the top of his lungs as he hastily rose and ran— _almost tripped_ —towards the exit. He didn't even put on his sneakers and just strides towards the corridor and away from the annoyed guitarist, but not without showering him with a _year-worth_ of cusses, "you're such a pervert! _Hentai!_ I hope your dick fucking fall off you shitty bastard!" he yelled before slamming the door shut.

Toru sighed. He can beg for forgiveness from Taka later.

_Well, now that he's gone..._

His hand trailed south, past the harsh fabric of his jeans and was about to pull out his dick— _for real_ _this time_ —when he noticed that he's surrounded by Avril's smiling faces.

And _holy shit_ , Taka's right!

_She's like staring at me!_

Toru felt himself sweat at that. Goddammit. He can also feel his hard-on instantly _deflating_ at that. What the hell.

Ugh.

_This sucks._

He stood up, his half-hard member rubbing painfully against his jeans and stalked grouchily towards the wall plastered with posters.

He stared at Avril's pretty face.

_Huh, she sure is pretty._

Then he glanced down on his groin. It's not stirring up, even while staring at the singer's face huh?

He growled, frustrated at these _disastrous, tragic and painful_ turn of events before he ripped the posters off the world with a satisfying sound.

_Time to fucking grow up._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Takeru smiled as he slowly walked towards the unit of Yamashita Toru—the rhythm guitarist of One Ok Rock, who's also residing in the dormitory for Amuse talents like him. He heard from a certain bassist—

I-it's not like he's been eavesdropping when Ryota-kun was talking to another dorm mate about how his Toru-nii would be moving out soon, really, _I just happened to be standing in the common area! I didn't mean to listen to their conversation! Not at all!_

Anyways, upon hearing that, he suddenly have a _low-key freak_ out moment because what would he do if Yamashita-kun would really move out? How can he have his CD's signed?! And more importantly, _how can I get closer to Morita-san if he's already moving out?_

Will the vocalist still drop by even if Yamashita-kun has already moved out?

Probably _not._

So!

Here he is, trudging towards the guitarist’s unit to ask for an autograph for the Naihi Shinsho single he bought weeks ago. But just as he turned into the corridor leading to the younger teen's unit, he suddenly heard muffled screamings towards the direction of the room.

"—you shitty bastard!" then a loud banging of the door resonated across the corridor, making Takeru jump in shock and fear. And curiosity because, _wait, that sounds like_ —

His eyes widened when he indeed saw the _man of his thoughts_ , the one and only vocalist of One Ok Rock sprinting away from Yamashita-kun's unit, _barefooted_ and with his shoes on both of his hands like he was being chased by a _hoard of zombies_.

_Ah! Morita-san, wait—_

Takeru reached out his hand and was about to said exactly that but he got scared that the vocalist won’t even hear him.

_He doesn't even know me..._

He sighed and looked down on his CD in defeat. _I hope I can meet and talk to  him sometime in the future, though..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. My. God. You. Are. Such. A. Huge. Pevert. Toru-san!  
> And LOL Takeru pops out of nowhere like Toru-san's boner!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Your feedbacks and/or corrections are all well-appreciated!
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. I've found a link for the Nagisaen DVD. The internet is such a wonderful place. I know that this is not right but I'll still share this to you so we can all rot in hell (or jail) in the future. LOL. JK.  
> https://vk.com/video-4347956_456239197  
> You can find more links here:  
> https://www.facebook.com/MADHOUSE.Ani/photos/a.1539495686306885.1073741828.1539434322979688/2025127584410357/?type=3&theater


	10. Hitsuzen Maker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing happens here. Just Alex-senpai being Alex-senpai.
> 
>  
> 
> "That's what you taught me   
> That it was possible to like someone on a day called today"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still alive (despite being buried in a shit-ton of sketches and plans)! And I'm running out of drafts so here's a short chapter XD
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. OOR is not mine.

In the end, Toru couldn't move out that week because they're suddenly bombarded with the news of their upcoming second single. They were so shocked that he couldn’t stop himself from just…staring at the blank space across him whenever he have the opportunity to do so. Their lives and radio guestings were also continuous, making it even harder to focus on gathering and moving all of his stuffs.

As if he really have _that_ much of things to move.

Maybe he’s just getting _distracted_ these days.

And the fact that Taka _wouldn't help_ him finish packing up all his stuffs because of the _certain_ incident a few weeks ago. You know, the _“I’m-gonna-jerk-off-right-in-front-of-your-pretty-face”_ fiasco last time?

"Whoah!" Taka's eyes widened in glee as they read the memo from the _aer-born_ management, "We're _really_ having a second single! And it will be released on, _what_ ," his eyes scanned the contents off the paper again before reading it out loud to the other members who are huddling in the lounging area of the studio, "July?! Eh?!'"

"Isn’t that too fast, Mori-chan?" Ryota asked in contemplation. He's right; it's just almost 6 weeks before the scheduled release of their single. And they haven't started anything yet! Heck, the news was _brutally_ told to them just a few minutes ago!

"Sure it is," Taka agreed as he passed the paper to Toru and stared at the blank walls across him, "but still, isn’t it great?"

"It’s great! It's great!" Tomoya merrily chanted in the background, "but when are we gonna start, _I don't know_ , doing demos?"

All eyes automatically darted towards the leader who's busy reading the memo over and over again. It’s like being in a dream. A second single?! _Seriously?!_

Maybe the management is tricking them. Maybe they just want to catch their expressions and release it to the public through a humiliating gag show?

They’d better not _…or else._

Anyway, he noticed that the usually loud bunch of teenagers suddenly went silent, so he lifted his gaze from the paper, only to realize that everyone is, _well_ , staring at him like _man-eating vultures_.

_What the hell._

"Why are you looking at me like _that_?!" he snapped, making everyone jolt in surprise.

" _Maa,_ you're the one who's always making songs, ne, leader-sama~?" Alex slowly said, while the others furiously nodded in agreement, "So, what are we gonna do for this single?"

"How the fuck would I know?!"

"How the fuck would you _not_ know?!" the vocalist sassily retorted, "Look, Toru-san, maybe you should be the one to make the songs for now, coz the last one I did obviously didn't ended up well?"

"48th!" Tomoya said, "It's not that bad, Taka-chan! At least it's still charted in the Oricon list, ne?"

"Are you..." the vocalist eyed the smiling drummer in suspicion and mistrust, "You’re just saying that because you're scared that I won't feed you anymore, _mou_!!"

"Eh?! I'm not!" Tomoya flailed his hands in denial, "that was really good, the song is! Your vocals are really, _really_ cool, Taka-chan! So don't go mulling over the things that was already done! You did a great job, ne? Right, everyone?" he asked, smiling nervously at the other members.

Said members are all eyeing him with _wonder and amazement_ because, _damn,_ the drummer really has his way on making their moody vocalist flattered as fuck. Just look at Taka's face, his cheeks are like burning coals from the _kind, encouraging_ words that the drummer just casually spouted!

Oh, and look! Toru's having this _slight_ jealous streak because another person made Taka blush like a _bright tomato_ like that!

_Ugh._

Here come the thoughts again.

_Whatever._

"I agree with Tomo-kun," Ryota grinned and made a thumbs up, "you really did a good job, Mori-chan!"

Wow. Taka is now twisting in embarrassment as he shyly—Toru almost _gagged_ on that sight—batted his eyelashes on his flushed cheeks.

Then, the duo grinned almost simultaneously as if they're thinking of the same thing, "So please do the next songs, too!"

_What._

Toru watched in fascination as the healthy dust of pink on the vocalist's cheeks instantly subsided, and was replaced by a shade darker and more likely because of different, strong emotions. Namely fury and humiliation.

"What?! You just want to pass all the responsibilities to me, again!" he yelled before jerking a thumb towards the two baseball idiots, "Why don't you try making the songs, huh?! So that you'll know how _devastating_ the feelings are when it _didn't_ sell that much!" he said, before sniffing in bitterness.

A strange silence fell upon them.

Then, Tomoya and Ryota suddenly burst out laughing like fucking _hyenas_. They started _hysterically_ giggling as they clutch the long couch to support their frames and prevent themselves from, _I don't know_ , just exploding like _pretty_ confetti or _something_.

Toru glanced at Taka, who—for some unknown, _probably magical and slight telepathic_ reason—also glanced at him. Their gazes met for a moment, their faces sharing the same look of being dumbfounded and flabbergasted and irritated _all at the same time_.

_And this_ , Taka seems to be saying through his looks, _is our members that are definitely going into a mental asylum one of these days. I hope you're fucking ready to recruit another bassist and drummer, Toru-san. Preferably those who suddenly just explode in massive laughing fits, mou!_

...

...

Toru is _not really sure_ if the vocalist is actually conveying those words because, _I'm not a psychic, duh!_ So, it was _that_ , or Taka is just merely silently ordering him to snap and make the two stop from laughing like annoying _mentally retarded_ persons.

"A-are you kidding, Taka-cha _ahahahahaha_ chan?!" Tomoya asked in between giggles and bright smiles, "Me? Make songs? Do you want to _doom us all_ you silly ahahhahahahaha!!!"

"I can't even pass my language subject, Mori-chan!" Ryota blurted out as be leaned at the drummer to support himself and...laugh more. If that's even possible. It’s like the two would crumple into fucking paper just by laughing like that! And look at their faces! _They can compete with Taka for having the reddest blushing face ever!_

Toru didn't know if he's supposed to feel sorry for the bassist for _barely passing_ his subjects or just imitate the cackling duo. Because that looks _fun_. Laughing at the expense of their vocalist is, indeed, fun!

He heard the vocalist growled and muttered something like "I’ll fucking kick your shitty asses, you jerks!" under his breath.

And looks _suicidal_ , too. _I think I'll pass._

Toru practically zipped his mouth in a firm line when he noticed that Taka is eyeing him rather… _murderously. I mean_ , if looks could kill, Toru (and Alex, Ryota and Tomoya _and_ Gocchan— _accidentally_ ) would have been extremely dead. Like dead to the max. Like being already dead and still getting sharp glares and killer scowls.

And then, someone finally— _thankfully_ —snapped.

" _Mou_ , stop laughing like morons!" Alex-senpai suddenly said as he practically crumpled the innocent sheet of paper on his hands. Taka and Toru eyed the rumpled paper, thinking that Gocchan would _definitely blow a fuse_ at that.

"But we are!" Ryota responded with a _sugar-high_ like grin on his face.

"What, morons?"

"Yup!" Tomoya nodded and smiled, "Morons! Happy morons!"

And then they resumed their annoying _high-pitched laughing-spree_ , making Taka and Toru glanced at each other. Again. Because that’s what you do when two of your friends— _and band mates_ —are probably having hyperactive-laughing-attack. If that’s even a _thing._

_Look at the other sane member’s eyes and convey them the feeling of doom you’re having,_ Toru thought, justifying his actions in his own mind.

 

"Oh for the _love of porn_!" Alex threw the paper somewhere, "Stop laughing! And you _two_!" he suddenly whirled and pointed an accusing finger at the vocalist and rhythm guitarist, "Stop _eye-fucking_ each other or I would book a _room_ for you right now!"

That instantly made everyone shut up. Even Tomoya and Ryota sweat at that and suddenly sat straight, _rigid as fucking poles_ as the lead guitarist panted harshly. Taka is blinking in confusion, probably thinking how to handle that... _that presumptive comment_ while Toru, _on the other hand_ , eyed his former-upperclassman in betrayal.

_How dare you Alex-senpai?!_

"That _comment_ wasn't even necessary, Alex-senpai," he grumbled, eyeing the piece of paper in the corner of the room.

"His entire _existence_ wasn't even necessary, Toru-san," Taka muttered beside him and he was so _so_ close into wholeheartedly agreeing with it.

"You two and your ridiculously same train of thoughts, _mou_ ," he said, solemnly shaking his head in forlorn, "Leave the song-making to me this time, just so everyone of you would fucking shut up. But only the lead single one! I won't be the one to make the coupling song, is that clear?"

" _Crystal_ ," Tomoya grinned.

The half-American nodded in satisfaction as he eased back on the couch, "Now that it's settled, why the fuck are you still not moving out, Toru? Isn't it _bothersome_ to come to recordings and lives with all your stuffs packed in a box or suitcase?"

Taka and Toru simultaneously coughed _guiltily_ at that—like they have been rehearsing that moment _for years_ because their coughing is _so synchronized_ that they could probably win a world record or something—which definitely didn't pass through the _razor-sharp_ eyes of the lead guitarist. His eyes narrowed as Toru choked a sound and started to explain his side.

Even if _no one_ is really asking for his explanations.

"Well, things got a bit _difficult_ these days..." he muttered as he glanced everywhere _except_ the general direction of their vocalist, "I've got _distracted._ "

Alex's eyes narrowed as he glanced at his _kouhai._..then to the flustered, _fidgeting_ vocalist beside him.

" _Distracted, huh_..." he drawled, probably thinking of _lewd, improper_ stuffs between him and Taka. Toru really wished that Alex-senpai would stop gawking and watching them like a hawk, because what if Taka realized that Toru has this weird feeling of attraction blossoming within his chest?! He would definitely not forgive the lead guitarist for, _like, ever._

Alex-senpai hummed thoughtfully as he ran his slender fingers over the stubble growing on his chin, "I _see..."_

You see _what?!_

_You're obviously thinking of wrong things again, mou!_

"Want us to help, Toru?" Tomoya asked, smiling gently at him like the good senpai he is, "I've got free time tomorrow!"

Toru was about to say _yes please_ but someone's converse— _Taka's converse cladded foot_ , _to be exact_ —suddenly jabbed onto his own foot making him choke back a cry of pain.

_What the fuck?!_

Taka is eyeing him with contempt, and malicious intent which basically means that he'll definitely throttle Toru if he accepts the drummer's offer.

_I know, I know!_ He glared back, totally disregarding the fact that Alex-senpai is staring at them as they— _what did he called it again_ —eye-fuck each other, _you don't have to step on my foot, you brat!_

Taka huffed in satisfaction before haughtily averting his gaze.

Meanwhile, Ryota gasped in offense at the drummer's words, "Ah! Tomo-kun you _traitor_!" he said, making said Tomo-kun reel back in shock.

"Eh?! What did I do?!"

"You told me that we're gonna go to the arcades tomorrow, remember?!"

"Ack! _Hai, hai, gomen_ ," he smiled apologetically at the pouting youngest member, while everyone else just watched the drama with mild disgust with all the _sparkles and flowers_ that are hypothetically popping around the two cutest members of the band, "But Toruge needs some help. Shouldn't we prioritize that, hai?"

"The fuck is _Toruge_?!" Taka elaborately enunciated to which the rhythm guitarist nodded along, _yeah, exactly. What the fuck is Toruge, Tomoya?_

"No!" the bassist stubbornly said before looking down on his lap, his nimble fingers fiddling with the hem of his over-sized shirt, "I mean if he help him, Toru-nii would leave _quicker._ I'll be completely alone in the dorm and I don't want that, mou!"

WHAT.

Tomoya and Alex-senpai gasped in unison at that declaration of _utter s_ elfishness.

Meanwhile, Taka stared at their youngest member in irritation, "I think," he slowly said, " _I think_ I want to kill you, Ryota."

"No," Toru hissed as he cracked his knuckles, sending the bassist running towards the toilet for the fear of his life or something, "Allow _me._ "

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They went to a ramen house after that. And since the other three— _yes, I'm talking about you, Taka, Tomoya and Ryota_ —are still not done stuffing their faces with noodles and warm broth, Toru decided to just wait outside and smoke a stick or two. He sighed, watching as the white puffs of smoke billowed upwards, his heavily lidded eyes gazing at the muddled city night sky.

"There you are, _lover boy~!"_

Toru cringed upon hearing the annoying voice of his _senpai_. Must the half-American really have to follow him outside and make his life _mor_ e like a living hell? _Can't I have a minute of peace and silence and without someone constantly  shipping me with Takahiro?!_

It seems that the universe _wouldn't._

He watched as the elder teen filtered out of the shop, the steam and aroma of ramen fluttering into the outside air until Alex-senpai slid the door shut.

"Something's bothering you, Toru?" he asked, even if Toru knows that Alex-senpai knows _exactly_ that it was the case so he just hummed in response, before taking another drag of the cancerous stick.

"Ah, I forgot. _Someone'_ s bothering you alright..." he mumbles, as tucked his hands into the pockets of his denim pants, "I'm shocked that you haven't _screwed_ him already, though."

Toru swears he swallowed his tongue at that.

Then it went crawling back up his throat, causing him to _gag and violently coughed_ in earnest because _what the fuck?!_

This guy is seriously a _pervert!_

_Holy shIt, Taka is right! Alex-senpai is like...the senpai of all senpai’s of perverseness!_

His eyes stung from tears while the half-American cackled gleefully beside him. It's like he's completely enjoying Toru's demise _and he's not even trying to hide it, damn it!_

"W-what the hell, Alex-senpai!" he growled, his voice rough from all the _almost-retching_ he just did, "Why would you even think that I'm screwing him?!"

_Oh god, that sounds so ridiculous!_

"What? _Don't you want to_?" the older deadpanned, making Toru hesitate and choke back whatever excuse he's planning to say. Did he want to screw Taka senseless? Did he want to kiss him _viciously_ , bite those plump, full lips and make him _gasp_ and _groan_ and _moan_ his name like a prayer?

Tori grimaced at that train of thoughts. It’s _disgusting and revolting_ as fuck but _OH HELL, YES I WANT TO!!_

Wow.

He's obviously catching Alex-senpai's perverseness _! Look at those crazy thoughts! And the visual images flashing in my mind!_

So he subtly inched  away from the grinning guitarist.

"I really thought that you would _bend him over_ the moment you left my unit a few weeks ago," Alex-senpai explained, making Toru want to throw up just by reminiscing those moments of his _drunken glory_ , "You know, with all your declaration. Of _love and adoration_ ," he gagged before grinning like the _motherfucker_ he is.

"That's why I didn't went with you guys when you said you’re gonna have your ears pierced. I don't really wanna see how Taka _limps_ the next day, you know?"

_You know that I don't care about your wants, ne senpai?_

Toru wanted to say that loud but decided to remain silent and instead, bring his fingers up to fiddle with the onyx stud on his ear. It was the one that the vocalist had _oh-so graciously_ bought for him right after he had his ears _stabbed_ by huge-ass needles, and no matter how shitty and traumatic the experience was, he will still _keep_ this piece of jewelry.

Because it's _from Takahiro._

And because it's so _damn expensive._

Right.

"So, judging from the _disgusting s_ ticky looks you’re practically throwing at each other, I guess you haven't told him about your...feelings for him?" he asked, his dark eyes staring at Toru, silently prodding him to just spit it all out and _talk_. He's giving this weird _“I’m-your-senpai-so-you-can-tell-me-all-your-worries-over-a-barely-legal-drinking-session”_ aura which makes Toru...uncomfortable and pressured as fuck.

What _feelings..._

"I don't know..." he helplessly drawled as he stared at the red end of the stick cradled between his calloused fingers.

Telling Taka his feelings?

_Are you crazy, Alex-senpai?_

And more importantly _, are you crazy, Toru?! You’re hesitating to tell that no, I’m not gonna tell him that?! Over my dead body?! Not until hell froze over and the heavens burnt unto crisp?_

...

...

Wow! such powerful analogies!

Anyway, he sighed in exasperation, " I _think_... I think i want to make sure of this...whatever shit this is within my chest...before going to him and _risk_ our friendship and the band dynamics..." he grimaced but it's the truth, _nothing_ will definitely be the same after he tells Taka about his...admiration shits...

Everything will definitely _change._

"So I think I want to take things slowly, Alex-senpai..." he mumbled.

The two guitarist went silent after that. They can hear the cicadas from afar—signaling the forth coming summer—and the loud raucous conversations from inside the ramen shop. But amidst all the loud chattering inside, Toru can hear the distinct melodious, high pitched and totally annoyed voice of his... _beloved vocalist_ , asking where the fuck did he and Alex-senpai have disappeared to.

"Take things slowly huh..." Alex-senpai thoughtfully said before he glanced at him, a small, sympathetic smile gracing his _ikemen_ features, "I hope that you'll get things moving, Toru, before someone snatched Mori-chan right before your eyes..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -is Toruge legit?  
> -I'm not really sure if Alex-senpai made the Yume Yume song.  
> -Yume Yume was indeed released in July of 2007.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Your feedbacks are all well-loved!


	11. Karasu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jealousy-issues.
> 
>  
> 
> "Black birds live together to survive  
> Where I throw away trash in the early morning  
> So we tried to pile together  
> Our convictions and sorrow toward living in this world"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another update~! Tho I'm slowly, painfully withering with the lack of toruka updates these days...
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own OOR.

 

“Home sweet home!!!” Taka screamed in pure _glee and joy_ as he opened his arms widely upon entering Toru-san’s unit. Sure, he acts so _gleeful_ as if he owned the damn place, and as if he’s the one finally moving in today, but it’s _better_ than trudging like a motherfucking _sleep-deprived_ zombie— _cough, yeah, I’m talking about you, Toru-san, cough._

He had been _more than_ excited to help their rhythm guitarist to move into his new unit. _So_ excited that he didn’t have a wink of sleep over the night. Right after their live yesterday, he stayed up awake by listening to music and thinking _how_ and _when_ he could snatch the younger’s keys and make duplicates out of it.

_Lots and lots of it_ , just to be sure.

_I mean, holy hell, Toru-san, this is the day I’ve been waiting for!_

_I will—mark my fucking words—barge into your unit! **Announced!** Almost every day so that I can pay you back for all the countless times you suddenly popped out of nowhere inside my unit!_

Hah!

_And to caught you jerking off in the act!_

…

…

Well, his priorities and reasons for trespassing into the guitarist’s house is probably a bit… _twisted_. But hey! He wanted to do it—catch the teen red-handed—not because he wants to see Toru-san masturbating _on the spot_ , but because he wants to prove that the guitarist is still a _normal, hormonal teenager!_

He still can’t wrap his pretty stupid little head about the _ridiculous_ fact that Toru-san hasn’t jerked off ever since he moved into the Amuse dormitory, _mou!_

_It’s just…unbelievable!_

That’s how he spent the hours before daybreak earlier. Just by thinking the _surprised-embarrassed-ashamed-horrified-angered_ face of the guitarist makes Taka giggle like a fucking lunatic while watching his fishes…do their _stuff_ s…like blinking and _swimming_.

Oh, god, that would totally be hilarious!

_I can’t wait to see it, mou!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“This isn’t even your home,” he heard the guitarist gruffly said behind him. That made Taka scowl before he turned around—

“At least I’m excited, unlike a certain, _HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT, TORU-SAN!_ ” he exclaimed when he saw the mess around him—suitcases were flung _open_ , clothes rumpled and strewn _across_ the floor along with the CD’s and gadgets. _It wasn’t even a fucking minute since I turned around, and Toru-san had already…already made the room like a motherfucking pig sty that you only need to dump pigs in here to make it official!_

How the hell?!

“What the hell, Toru-san!” he gasped, eyeing the clothes and other stuffs with murderous intent, “how on earth did you made a mess like this!” he extravagantly gestured on the floor, “We’re just here for, what, 2 minutes?!”

Said guitarist obliviously looked up from the box he’s currently stocked his hands into—to, _I don’t know_ , probably get more of his mess out?—and shot him a questioning look.

“Actually, we’ve been here for 5 minutes—,”

“The fuck if I cares!” he snapped, as he put both of his hands on his waist to appear intimidating as he looked down on the confused guitarist, “What do you think you’re doing littering all these stuffs, huh?”

“Well, aren’t we supposed to be _unpacking_?” he sardonically asked, his huge-heavily lidded eyes looking up at Taka in a teasing manner, “In case you don’t know, this is how it’s done.”

And to emphasize his point, he took a lump of roughly folded clothes out of the box and carelessly dumped it onto the floor as if he’s just casually throwing out rubbish outside. Taka gasped at that as he eyed the mountain of clothes that the guitarist is making—heck, Toru-san even had the _audacity_ to smirk at him as he grabbed the box, flipped it over to pour all the contents out of it—like he’s blatantly challenging Taka to chastise him. Or get a _proper_ beating. _Either of the two._

“Stop!” Taka said through clenched teeth.

There’s really nothing to get hysterical for but the sight of pure, absolute mess for a slightly-clean freak Taka was just… _intolerable._

“I said stop, _you_ —,”

“Oh _ho?_ ” Toru-san, the bastard, raised a brow at him in question, “And if I don’t? What are _you_ gonna do?”

What will Taka do?

_What am I gonna do?!_

_I’m gonna kill you, you asshole!!!_

“Die!!!” he screamed at the top of his lungs as he launched himself to throttle the teasing guitarist. Toru-san probably had expected him to lash out and scream like the _crazy talker_ he is, but the guitarist definitely didn’t see Taka jumping at him coming in like, a million years.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Gah!” Toru screeched as they rolled around the hard floor, his hand automatically shielding his face when Taka decided to claw and _paw_ at it rather weakly. Huh. Despite the vocalist’s weight, _he still can’t land a decent punch huh…And he fights like a girl, seriously!_

“Stop it!” Toru yelled when he ended up on his back, with Taka straddling his stomach and landing weak punches on his chest, “I said stop it, you _crazy_ shit!”

“Then don’t fucking mess up the unit, dammit!”

“This is _not even your_ unit!”

“See if I fucking care!” and he was about to launch another set of slaps on the guitarist’s face when they both heard the sound of footsteps and the loud, obnoxious and _frighteningly_ familiar voices of their band mates behind the door.

Taka was probably too busy on targeting his now flushed face—it’s because of exhausting! And a bit of…arousal because just look at their position! Taka was moving— _goddammit, I am so doomed_ —above him—straddling his abdomen like he fucking owned it or _something._

And look at Taka’s face!

It was so _red_ , so _flustered,_ so _angry_ yet Toru felt himself still mesmerized by the sight. He even thought that it _wouldn’t be that  bad_ to be pinned down by the vocalist, if only Taka would have those same _arousing expressions_ on his face whenever he do so—

_Eh, chigau, chigau!_

There are more _pressing_ matters to focus on!

And he’s not talking about the tell-tale… _rising_ of his privates this time!

Anyway, Taka has been so busy _pulverizing_ Toru’s face with soft punches and slaps and a shit-ton of curses that he failed to notice the door slightly opening—

“Let’s surprise Toru!” the guitarist heard Alex-senpai’s voice just a few seconds before the door parted—

_No, no, no—_

“—Eh? The door’s not locked—,”

_—Not again—!_

Toru arched his head back to stare at the upside-down image of their lead guitarist, at the same time that Taka halted all his attempts on _busting_ the leader’s face, planted both of his palms on Toru’s chest for support before looking up to meet the wide, shell-shocked eyes of the Half-American.

Toru heard the vocalist’s, and the lead guitarist’s jaws hit the ground with a loud _THUD!_ at the awkward, _awkward_ predicament they’re into.

_Goddammit_ , he inwardly groaned.

And much to their horror, Alex-senpai’s mouth formed a huge-O, as his eyes suddenly twinkled in… _what was that_? Mischief? Asshole-ness? Downright _douchebaggery_?!

“O-oh…” he blurted out. He sounds like he’s amused and disbelieving and disoriented all at the same time. He even ignored the confused voices of the other two members—Ryota and Tomoya—asking why on earth that Alex-senpai won’t enter the unit.

_Well, why would even enter the unit without my permission?!_

_This is trespassing! I can get them arrested for this!_

And yeah, that’s really rich coming from a _notorious trespassing_ bastard like him, but fuck if he cares!

“Oh- _hohohohoho_ ,” Alex-senpai laughed a bit creepily as he slowly retreated and closed the door, “I’m sorry for interrupting your… _your_ …” he gestured at their _promiscuous_ position before snickering and calling out to the other two, “Hey! Taka and Toru isn’t here! Let’s just play baseball in the park for the mean time ne?”

“Baseball~!” he heard Tomoya agreed.

“Eh? Why would Mori-chan be _even_ here?” Ryota asked in confusion.

To their relief, Alex-senpai smirked at Toru which he translated as “ _You’ve got a shit-ton of explaining to do when you’re done fucking your life-long crush or something”_ before pulling the door shut.

…

…

Toru groaned. _Holy hell._ Why does Alex-senpai always choose the wrong timing to barge into? And why is he even just barging into someone’s unit without the owner’s permission in the first place!

Above him, Taka is still shell-shocked, looking at the closed door with wide eyes before looking down at him—horror slowly blooming on his eyes.

“He…” the vocalist swallowed audibly, his entire weight pinning the poor, skinny guitarist down, “He probably thinks that we’re doing _something_ again, right..?”

Toru would love to think of a brilliant thing to respond at that but he’s too conscious of Taka’s hands on his chest, and Taka’s _bottom_ on his stomach and the boner that’s slowly tenting up his pants so he just merely repeated Taka’s word like a _dumb parrot_.

“…something?”

_Don’t look down…don’t slide down…well…uhm…you can…ugh! No!_

“…something _perverted…_ ”

Well, _we can. Do that. Do something perverted_ , Toru’s dirty-as-the-motherfucking-public-sewer supplied.

“I don’t know,” he gritted out instead, his hands went flying on Taka’s sides to prevent him from moving and discovering that, _yes_ , Toru had popped a random boner again, “More importantly, can you just move off me?”

“Why?” Taka dumbly asked.

“Coz contrary to what you want to believe, you’re actually heavy— _ack!_ ” Toru groaned when Taka landed a resounding slap on his cheek. And this time, it stings like a _bitch_.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka huffed as they walked into an alley towards the busy streets. He’s with Tomoya today to look for some stuffs and buy groceries for the week. He would _really_ love to go shopping with Toru-san but the damn guitarist chose to hang-out with Alex today instead.

_Why are those two even hanging out more often these days?!_

They’re not best friends right? Toru-san would always, _always_ come back to him even after the millions time he complained about the younger teen being a trespassing, perverted stalking piece of shit, but now…

_That jerk left me for the huge-as-pole Alex!_

He really should be glad that _, for once_ , Toru-san is off his back and not popping out of thin air but…but there’s this _unsettling_ feeling deep, deep, deep, _deep_ within his stomach that says otherwise. He…he _misses_ Toru-san, no matter how weird that sounds. He misses the days that the younger teen would drop by his unit just to share dinner with him, he misses the days when Toru-san would _casually_ waltz into his house as if he damn owns it.

Toru-san…

_Toru-san wouldn’t drop me like a hot potato for Alex, right?_

Right?

And no, he’s not _jealous._ He’s just really _, really, mildly_ irritated at the fact the two guitarist are together right now and talking about— _definitely perverted_ —stuffs.

Okay, change the _mildly_ to _gravely_. He’s really, really gravely irritated—

“Gah!” Tomoya shrieked behind him when he accidentally kicked the trash can with a loud clank, making the bin rolling on the alley floor. The crows that were feasting on some garbage bags flew and caw in the unwanted disruption. “Why’d you kicked that, Taka-chan?!”

“Don’t fucking _Taka-chan_ me,” he scowled and plunged both of his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He knows that it’s wrong to divert all his frustrations and jealousies to other people—in this case, to the innocent Tomoya—but he can’t help it. He’s practically born with a mood that constantly swings like a _fucking pendulum_. He’s not good in hiding, nor in even pretending to hide it. If he’s sad, then he’ll look as a bullied puppy; if he’s angry, then he’ll bitch out; if he’s happy, the he’ll laugh and grin widely. He’s honest with his feelings…all the known emotions, but this time…

This time…

_It’s different._

He can’t name this feeling that’s gnawing in his chest whenever Toru-san is away, and doing things that are unrelated to the band. He’s getting this…this slight _paranoia_ whenever he caught Toru-san exchanging meaningful— _I know those looks you fuckers_ —glances with Alex. It’s like they’re hiding something from him, it’s like _Toru-san_ is hiding something from _him_ and it hurts… _it hurts like a bitch_.

_Add that to the mysterious Pokémon girl_ and Taka is almost this close from pulling all of his hair out of his scalp in distress.

“You look like you’re ready to kill someone, Taka-chan,” Tomoya worriedly peered at him, effectively pulling him out of his musings, “Are you mad?”

“Do I look like I’m _mad?_ ” he quickly retorted.

The drummer tilted his head in confusion, “Eh, you look like you can kill the next person to talk to you _barehanded!_ What’s wrong? Did you make Toruge angry again?”

Taka snapped his head up at that, “The fuck is _Toruge_?!”

“It’s a nickname for Toru~!”

Seriously, what’s with these members giving weird nicknames to everyone?! _Control your band mates, Toru-san, mou!_

“Whatever,” he sighed, “And for the record, I didn’t made him angry.”

Tomoya smiled at him. Smiled while blinking his eyes rapidly in succession, making him look like a cute, confused little puppy, without saying anything.

“… _maa_ ,” Taka scrunched up his nose, inwardly berating himself from having this feeling of obligation to explain when the drummer himself is not even asking for elaborations, “I _might’ve_ slapped him.”

“But you always slapped him _almost every day_ , na, Taka-chan?”

“It’s really _hard_ this time,” he said, cringing at the guilt that’s starting to invade his sense, “I think my palm even left a print on his face. But it’s his fault! He’s a _perv_ —,”

“A what—,”

“Nothing! _Nothing_!” he shook his head. Sometimes, he forgot that Tomoya is still innocent like a kindergarten kid, and that those things should just remain unsaid to this small, _bright ball_ of sunshine, “You’re right, I’m always slapping him…” he thoughtfully said as he crossed his arms over his chest, “So what’s different this time? Why did he choose hanging out with Alex instead of shopping with me?”

“ _A-re_? You’re _jealous_ because of that—,”

He conveniently ignored Tomoya’s comments as he thinks of the reason on why would the guitarist leave him feeling like this…made him feel like an _abandoned_ kid, wanting— _craving_ for affection and company.

“—Slapping him is like an everyday scenario!”

“Maybe he just reached his limit—,”

“But!” he ranted out, puffing out his cheeks as he pointed to the crows who’s clearly watching him and mocking him for throwing a hissy fit in the middle of a dirty alley, “That’s still _not_ a reason to get mad at me!”

“Chill, Taka-chan,” Tomoya said, smiling at him with his ever-brilliant smile. It was too bright and considering the fact that those smiles and grins are almost always directed at him, Taka was quite _surprised_ that he’s still hasn’t turned blind at this time, “Though, I’ll be mad at you for _less_ than that.”

“WHAT.”

The drummer probably didn’t expected the words that carelessly flew out of his mouth, so when he slowly— _painstakingly slowly_ —realized the words he said, his eyes instantly went wide like saucers before bouncing to find an escape route—

“Eh— _ack!_ ” he groaned when Taka latched at him like a clingy octopus and captured him in a head-lock, _“Matte, matte! Gomen_ , Taka-chan! I didn’t mean to say that!”

“Then what do you _mean_ by that, huh?!” Taka threatened, as he tightened his grip on the drummer’s neck, making Tomoya gasp and wildly flail his arms for help, “Huuuh?!!”

“N-nothing!!! Ahhhh!!!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka had always noted how _fun_ it is to bully the drummer. It’s not like he hated Tomoya, no, not at all. It’s more like rough-housing with your brothers whenever he tackles the poor drummer with friendly slaps and hits each day. He missed his brothers so much and messing with Tomoya ease up the loneliness he feels.

_Also, I feel taller whenever I bully this kid! Ha!_

But after a while of bullying the drummer and after he got tired of the _high-pitched wailing_ , he eventually grew tired and reluctantly let go of Tomoya. His mind went back to the depressing thoughts that their rhythm guitarist had abandoned him, making him frown like someone just… _died_.

Tomoya is still clutching his head, a huge pout on his lips as he assessed Taka’s sullen form with teary eyes, while Taka himself is busy eyeing the crows nearby. _Look at those birds._ The city is full of pollution and trash and yet they managed to live here. Despite the ugliness and the mess of the concrete jungle, they still managed to survive—or maybe that’s just how they are?

Crows live off the dumpsters, eating from left-overs and garbage bins.

_Huuuuh…_

Somehow, Taka felt like making a song. Which is _weird_ because he’s not supposed to get inspiration from black birds which cackled and seem to mock him just by staring at him with those shining obsidian eyes.

_Damn, they’re super scary!_

_Maybe I should take a picture and show it to Toru-sa…n._

_Right_ , he snorted, back to those thoughts again. He deeply sighed and looked down on his faded converse shoes, his lower lip pulled out in a sulking pout.

“ _Naa_ , Tomoya…” he started, effectively gathering the older’s attention, “Do you think…do you think that Toru-san is mad at me, _for real,_ this time?” he looked up and glanced at the equally shocked face of the drummer. He looked dumbfounded because this is the second time that Taka asked him about that stuff. Taka never asked these questions to _anyone_.

He trusts Tomoya to have a fair judgment—something free of _selfish desires and childish jealousies_ that’s clouding Taka’s at the moment—he trusts him like a wise— _albeit easy to bully_ —older brother.

The drummer blinked at him. He’s probably thinking that Taka is acting strange and pathetic but fuck if he actually cares. He wants answers. Or else, he’ll explode like fucking confetti’s right there and then. To his relief, Tomoya merely grinned and reached out—without any ounce of _hesitation or fear for his life_ —to ruffle his hair.

“ _Muri deshou_ , as if Toru would really get mad at you Taka-chan,” he said, pulling Taka so that the vocalist is leaning on his feminine shoulder. Taka wasn’t really that much for contact but he didn’t made a fuss nor even struggled against the drummer—instead he welcomed it, he allowed the older teen to coddle him like an older brother would to his beloved little bro. He sighed and leaned at the hand which is reassuringly ruffling on his hair while Tomoya kept on talking above beside him, “Just talk to him. You two are really _bothersome_ sometimes,” he threw a malicious, deadly glare at the drummer who just smiled in return— _damn, aren’t you getting tired of smiling like that, you shit?!_ —down at him, “But that makes both of you adorable, ne?”

“…”

“… _ne?_ ”

“…I think I want to stab you, Tomoya.”

“Uhm,” the drummer subtly pushed him away as he laughed nervously, “Ahahahahahaha let’s not get _homicidal_ here, ne? Nee?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

That day could have been better. Tomoya had cheered him up with his wise words, but then, those shitty black birds decided that it’s fun to drop their poops on Taka’s shoulder—or _his jacket, to be exact._

They’ve already been making fun of him since the moment he stepped into that alley and now they even dared to—shit on his pretty, brown jacket?! Taka’s vision instantly went red with fury. Even Tomoya had to gulp and eased away from him as Taka slowly, _oh-so slowly_ lowered his sharp, squinted eyes onto the white stuff splattered over his jacket.

…

…

“Did…” he slowly said through clenched teeth, “Did those crows just…just shit on my jacket?!” he asked. That was rhetorical of course but Tomoya is dumb to notice it so he answered anyway.

“Uhm, I guess so?”

He gave a blank stare at the drummer.

Tomoya visibly went stiff and sweated bullets at the unwanted attention he’s getting from their vocalist.

Then, Taka suddenly went screaming _bloody murder_ —

“I’ll fucking kill all of you, you shitty ugly-ass birds, come down here you idiots!!!”

—and _crow-barbecues_ as he raced towards the flock of birds cawing above them, leaving a terrified and slightly humiliated drummer behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The part where a crow pooped on Taka's jacket is legit. Though it happened in 2010, instead of 2007, according to their blog updates. You can find it here: http://oneokrockblog.tumblr.com/page/21
> 
> -I love it when Tomoya acts like a big brother to Takaaaaaa. It's so cute LOL
> 
> Thank you for reading~! Any comments and/or suggestions will be very much appreciated!


	12. Koubou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans.
> 
> "I said “no one'll make it what I'm going to do  
> Don't call me crazy, nothing bothers you”  
> I was breathing heavy to break away  
> “Don't tear me up any more”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god I'm still alive but barely breathing?? I was down with a fever since the 14th, so I was not able to post updates. I originally planned to post one after I get well (my flu was tolerable yesterday so I made a bad, bad decision on hanging out with a friend and now I'm sick again wtf) but the guilt of not posting is eating up on me so here's one! Yay~!
> 
> Forgive my mistakes tho. This one is edited in my phone, under my blankets, where my cats won't attack me.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

  
“I’m done with the demo for the next single,” Alex-senpai said as he pushed a CD over the table, and towards Toru who’s absent-mindedly strumming his guitar, “Here. Let’s bring this to the studio later, ne?”

  
Toru didn’t answer. He just continued on playing his electric guitar, the raw sounds of strings being plucked reverberated into the unit of their lead guitarist. They have been working on the demo for the next single overnight, and that makes Toru _cranky as hell._

  
He had been locking himself in his unit in these past few… _days_. It’s not like he wanted to avoid a certain someone, _ehem-Taka-ehem_ , nor is he sulking because the vocalist really slapped the _shit out of his pretty face_ last time—no, not at all. It’s just that he needs time to be alone, and _think_.

  
Yes, he’s _still_ capable of doing that, despite his mind getting constantly invaded by Takahiro _every fucking hour_ of _every fucking day_ since he realized his feelings for him. At first, he wasn’t really that happy to lock himself in his unit (like, he literally lock the door, _twice_ , because he never knows if Taka had already _mass-produced_ his keys) and played his guitar, ate instant noodles and slept like a log whenever he’s not trying to write a song. It was _too_ quiet—no talents gossping in the hallway, no Ryota suddenly pounding on his door and asking for food, and definitely no Taka throwing stones and shoes at his window to let him know that he’s outside and was about to climb the sakura tree. It was _awful_ at first, until he took a closer look at his laptop…

  
_Fuck yeah! Being home alone was great!_

  
Like he could watch all the movies he stashed in his computer without someone commenting that the movie is boring almost every after _five minutes!_

  
But after watching some crappy movies and even variety shows, Toru got bored because good lord, those shows were all full of _shit_. No, made of shit. In any case, it was _pure, utter shit_. Like _shitty_ -shit.

  
_Whatever_ , he mentally snorted, _you got the picture._

  
So he stalked outside and went directly to Alex-senpai’s unit.

  
…

  
He _could’ve_ went to Taka’s house but considering that the vocalist’s blood is still boiling at him, he just went to the lead guitarist’s apartment unit last night. Then the half-American welcomed him with a bit _creepy_ smile as he ushered him inside. They tried making a demo for the single the whole night.

  
Taka might have called him this morning—asking wherever the fuck he is _and_ / _or_ what the hell is he doing at Alex-senpai's house—but Toru’s mind is still muddled with sleep so he can’t really remember.

 

“The management said that we would be getting help from Satoru Hiraide and Koichi Korenaga,” the half-American was saying in the backgroung, but Toru is too busy staring at nothing, “Do you know them?”

  
_Maybe I should go to Taka tonight?_  
_But he might slap me…_

  
“Toru?”

  
The frown on his face gets deeper as he think of better ways to spend _more time_ with the vocalist. Maybe he should ask Taka to come with him in a bath house—or in a _Ryokan_ , for that matter—so he can see him _nake_ —

  
“Toru!”

  
“Gah!” he yelped when his upperclassman suddenly banged the table with both of his palms, making Toru jerked out of his nasty thoughts on how to get Takahiro naked— _as ridiculous as it sounds_ , “What the hell, Alex-senpai?!”

  
“I’m the one who’s supposed to ask that!” the lead guitarist said before he went back to his spot on the floor and eyed Toru like an x-ray machine, “You’re spacing out again? Are you thinking of _fucking_ Mori-chan again?—,”

  
Toru started to open his mouth and say something but the older beat him into speaking.

  
“—and don’t feed me _bullshits_ by denying it,” he warned, making Toru gulped audibly— _damn, why is Alex-senpai so perceptive when it comes to these kinds of things?! Is he an esper_?!—, “It’s written all over your face, you idiot!”

  
What _face_?

  
Toru turned towards the huge wall-mounted mirror on his side and stared at his reflection. It was still the same old, _bored-looking,_ emotionless face. So how can Alex-senpai tell that he’s indeed thinking of their vocalist?

  
_Maybe he’s really an esper,_ he grimly thought.

  
He blankly turned his attention back to the lead guitarist, “I beg to disagree, Alex-senpai. I’m not thinking on _fucking_ Taka,” he solemnly said with so much _conviction_ that he can probably bag an acting award for it, “I’m just thinking on how to get him _naked_.”

  
…

  
The half-American stared at him with his _impassive_ , overly ikemen face.

  
Before he flung a _zabuton_ on Toru’s face, “Ack! What’s that for, Alex-senpai?!” he complained as he pulled the pillow from his face. Why is everyone throwing things at his face these days, huh?!

  
“That’s for being a lovesick fool, Toru,” the half-American pinched the bridge of his nose as if he’s terribly, _terribly_ worn out by Toru’s…idiocy. “Isn’t it the same thing?”

  
“No!”

  
“Uh-huh, then do tell me,” Alex-senpai leaned forward, “what are you gonna do after you get Mori-chan naked? Stared at him for _days_?”

  
“That’s right,” he answered without even _pausing_. Alex-senpai looked unconvinced. Uh- _oh_.

  
“…you’re a _creepy_ motherfucker, you know that?”

  
Toru snorted, “Of course I do. Taka had to told—no— _screamed_ that to my face almost everyday, Alex-senpai.”

  
“Screaming, huh? Like the one you two were doing last week?”

  
Toru groaned when the older brought up that incident— _you know_ —the part where Taka is straddling him while Toru is having the most uncomfortable 10 seconds of his life because of the boner ha had back then? _That’s it._ And to add to both of their discgrace, Alex-senpai even managed to caught them in the act back then.

  
In the act of doing _what_?

  
Alex-senpai’s eyebrows made suggestive... _wiggling motions_ while Toru just stared at him, and at the downright _creepy_ grin that's quickly forming in the older's face. _Why the hell is he wiggling his eyebrows like that?_ Toru asked himseld in confusion, and in slight _worry_ because if Alex-senpai continues in moving his eyebrows up and down like down, he fears that they will eventually _come_ _off_ his forehead or something.

  
_Huh... Is that even possible?_

  
Anyway, a leering smirk was now full blown on the model's face, as he craddled his chin with the palm of his hand, "I never thought that Mori-chan _had it in him_ , huh?"

  
"Had _what_?" Toru innocently--as much as he can, because with his _naturally_ glaring and bored as fuck eyes, it's already _impossible_ to look like an innocent boy--tilted his head in confusion.

  
_What was Alex-senpai talking baout this time?_

  
"Had the guts to actually pounce in you, my dear _kouhai_!" the lead guitarist practically yelled that to the whole world, making Toru grimaces at the fact that Alex-senpai just called him his dear _bleeghgh_ kouhai, "and dont make that disgusted face, you jerk! Isn't it true? That Mori-chan had the balls, _oops_ , forgive my words, to straddle you and do...some _shits_ to you!"

  
Toru _almost_ cried in defense of the vocalist.

  
He would really want to say that _of_ _course_ , _Taka had balls_ and Toru was so sure of that because he had _personally_ touched it a few weeks ago, but he thought that the vocalist would _definitely attack him_ with a guitar if he learned that Toru had spilled the beans to

Alex-senpai, so he _digressed_.

  
He digressed and made a uncomfortable grunt as he fiddled with the guitar on his lap, "Do what? We're not really doing anything that time, Alex-senpai. We just got into scuffles because he acts like he owned my new unit--,"

  
"And you _waltz_ into his unit like you owned the place," the other guitarist shook his head regrettably, "You act like an old couple, you know? And as much as I _enjoyed_ the cute looks of confusion and denials on your dumb faces,"

  
Toru opened his mouth to retort or just simply swear the _ever-loving shit_ out of the lead guitarist but Alex-senpai beat him into speaking.

  
"It would take a _century_ before you get laid with our vocalist with you stumbling like a weak baby deer in the forest! You need to act!" he forcefully slam his fist on the low table, making Toru recoil in fear and somethimg akin to _dejavu_ because this is what exactly happened when Alex-senpai was pounding the fact that Toru was attracted to Taka a few weeks ago!

  
"Because if not now, then _when_? If you're not gonna make a move, then _who_ would do it for it you?! You want Mori-chan's naked ass delivered to you on a _silver platter_ and yet you're not even ready to ask him out or something, you giant wimpy kid!"

  
Tory instantly felt like _vomitting_ his intestines all over the floor at that.

  
"You're getting too fired up for this, Alex-senpai!" he retorted with a completely blushing face, "And can you please stop shouting to the whole world that I want Taka's _ass_ \--,"

  
" _Naked_ ass," the lead guitarist stupidly corrected.

  
" _Naked ass,_ " Toru gritted out as he relented under that cheeky grin, "he might be just lurking out there like a _creepy_ stalker! And that would make me an _extreme pervert_ to his eyes even before I can, _ah_ , act on my feelings!"

  
Alex-senpai blankly stared back at him, totally _unconvinced_ and completely _unamused_ on whatever Toru is saying.

  
"But you really _are_."

  
"An _extreme_ _pervert_?"

  
"No, a _creepy_ stalker, remember?"

  
Not really liking the feeling of being looked down and bullied, Toru snorted and crossed his arms over his chest in an attempt to look more intimidating than he already is, "Well, you look like a creepy fucker who would _fuck_ _anything_ wearing a skirt, Alex-senpai, but did tou see me _complaining_? _No_?"

  
"...you're catching Mori-chan's wonderful _bitchiness_ , you know that?"

  
"You know that I don't care, right?"

  
...

  
...

  
An awkward silence ensued between them. Toru is fuming like a child charging with a powerful feeling of rage within his chest, but once the high of being angry as fuck went down, he felt sheepish and _slightly_ guilty for snapping at their lead guitarist like that. Sure, Alex-senpai is a _huge_ pervert, but that doesn't mean that Toru can say that _straight right_ on his face. Besides, he's still his upperclassman so he might as well apologize for his rudeness, right?

  
Right.

  
"Sorry, Alex-senpai..." he sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, "I just...I dont know how to react with these shits. Well, actually, since you made me realize this _attraction_ thingy with Taka, I feel like my life's starting to get _doomed to hell,_ " he grimaced at the thought before frowning at the lead guitarist again, the intent on apologizing went flying out of the windows instantly, "so yeah, fuck you again. Fuck you very _very_ much, Alex-senpai--,"

  
"Hah! You _wish_!" the older cackled merrily as if Toru didn't just cussed him to Mars and back, "Besides, we both know that it's Mori-chan you want to fuck, am I wrong?"

  
" _Maa_ , yeah, but--,"

  
"That's it!" Alex-senpai suddenly _squealed_ while pointing at Toru, who in turn, batted the offending finger away because it was just a _hairline_ from stabbing his large eyes, "Oops sorry about that. Anyways, I'm so glad that you now can easily agree that you want to _bang_ our _lovely_ vocalist into oblivion!"

  
Uh...?

  
Toru stared ar the older teen, _waiting_ for him to elaborate his words. _And wait, did he just said that Taka is lovely? Well, well, well._ Maybe he should remind Alex-senpai to pick his words _carefully_ regarding Taka or Toru might... _might_ just assume that the other guitarist is also going after his vocalist--

  
"It's an improvement!" Alex-senpai continued rambling across him, "I originally thought that it will take you ten months before you can admit that! Ah, I'm so happy--," he then noticed that Toru is silently _cracking_ his knuckles like he's about to join a fist fight so he immedieately start talking right on track again, "so now that it'settled, let's get some plans!"

  
Toru halted his knuckle-cracking shits and looked up at the lead guitarist with a less-threatening face, "plans?"

  
" _Yeah_ , because it would take another _ten_ years to have Mori-chan on your bed if I just leave all the wooing to you, Toru," he then smiled remorsefully at him, "No _offense_ meant."

  
_But I'm already offended you_ \--

  
"Let's start with confessing your feelings to him. Have you ever thought of a plan to do that?"

  
Did he?

  
_Oh god, of course_ he did!

  
Every night, _god knows that_ , but it all just came with two endings. First is Taka getting flustered then admitting that he also like Toru, that the guitarist's feelings is _mutual_. That would always makes Toru smile whenever he's daydreaming about it (yeah, that's what's running into his mind, making him look like a dazed, nodding motherfucker during interviews and radio programs) and he will feel a small twinge of _hope_ blooming within his chest.

  
Hope that Taka will _accept_ him.

  
That Taka would accept his _feelings_ for him.

  
And then they'll get naked and _fuck_.

  
_Huhhh_...

  
But then, there's also the other route that Toru's fucked up brain is always taking. It started basically the same as the first one--him confessing to the vocalist, Taka getting flustered, but instead of accepting his feelings, he would made an overly _disgusted_ face and tell Toru to _fuck off_ or set his mind straight or something. Then he would brush that incident off, completely disregarding the fact that Toru just mustered all the confidence he can just to say all his feelings out...and then they would act as if nothing happened, as if Toru didn't just get his heart-- _or liver or whatever organ is making him sick and nauseaous as fuck-_ \- shattered into thousands of pieces.

  
_They_ would drift apart because of that, an before he knows it, the _band_ would drift apart because as much as he wanted to deny, Taka and Toru was the _core_ of their band. They are the ones keeping everyone and everything in tact, and if they themselves start to pull away from each other, then the others would _surely_ follow.

  
It's really _egoistic_ of him to think that way, but it's the truth.

  
If the bond between the two of them collapses, then they would eventually bring everyone down with them. It's _inevitable_.

  
And that...that scares Toru the _most_. Even _worse_ that the possibility that Taka wouldn't feel the same way with him. _That_ , he can probably live with, but to actually risk the _welfare_ of the entire band, the _future_ of all of the members just because he couldn't keep those _suffocating_ , strange feeling within his chest?

  
He'll _die_.

  
_Definitely_.

  
So, confessing to Taka is currently out of the question. That can _wait_. His _feelings_ for the vocalist _can_ _wait_ , Toru thought in determination.

  
The lead guitarist might have seen the determined look on his face, especially when he clenched his jaws in an attempt to prevent himself from saying anything rude at the moment. That, or Alex-senpai finally realized how uncomfortable he is about this topic.  
"Well, we can discuss that next time," he off handedly said, making Toru sighed in relief-- _wait, next time? Does that mean that we will gave more of these humiliating and disturbing and out of the music field conversations in the future?_!--, "Let's now focus on getting Mori-chan like you too, though it will certainly be easier than you confessing to him," he said, mumbling the last words more to himself...

  
Toru perked up at that.

  
_Oh hell yeah,_ Taka would _definitely_ fall for him. Besides, isn't he already receiving _special treatment_ from the vocalist? They've been hanging out together with each other almost every day, they have slept on a bed, shared countless meals together, leaned against each other, laugh with each other, cried and shown their vulnerable sides to each other. Heck they've even walked together, hand in hand, shoulders almost touching under the cold winter air. Taka makes good food for him, share his never ending thoughts with him, and make plans and dreams for the future together with him, so he's _sure_...

  
He's sure that those actions meant _something_ , even if Taka is casually hanging out and latching onto everyone, Toru is sure that it meant something. Even just a little.

  
Or maybe that's just his _hopeful delusions,_ but no one can blame him for being optimistic, right?

  
"Maybe you should ask him out on a date," the lead guitarist mused out loud, "Well, dont make it obvious that you're asking him out. Just a casual stroll in the park or loitering around Tokyo or eating together in a cake shop, with just the two of you?"

  
Toru scoffed at that, "But we've already done _all_ those things, Alex-senpai," he smugly said as he inspected the wood grain of the low table as if it's the most interesting thing in the world, ignoring how the guitarist's jaws slacked in shock, "We're always, _always_ together while you and Ryota are _terrorizing_ the local baseball fields, ne?"

  
"What the _fuck_ \--,"

  
"And he already met my family. My _entire_ family and I've met his brothers," Toru winced at that, suddenly realizing that he's _oh_ _so_ close on revealing Taka's family background, "And besides, if I ask him out for a walk or just to eat, then how is that different from the things we're already been doing? I don't mean to offend you but your plan is just...like a _big fucking redundancy, ne?"_

  
Toru hopefully glanced at the lead guitarist's face. It was _twitching_ like he's _barely_ restraining himself to not strangle Toru to death, but hey, Alex-senpai is still smiling-- _albeit so strained--_ so it's not really _that_ bad, huh?

  
"Well, sorry for thinking things for you, Toru!" he snapped before sighing in melancholy and grinning like a huge bipolar bastard, "But anyways, how dare you not to tell me all those details! Toru, you _beast_! So you're already went that far, huh?!"

  
"... _beast_?"

  
"If Mori-chan introduced you to his brothers, then you really is someone who's _important and trustworthy_ to him, you know?" he meaningfully said, making Toru looked up at him in confusion.

  
"What do you mean, Alex-senpai?"

  
To his annoyance, the half-American just smiled faintly at him. The kind of smile that he's _obviously hiding something._ The kind of smile that makes Toru want to _punch_ his ikemen face or something. But he digressed because _holy shit_ , could it be that Alex-senpai also knows Taka's past?!

  
_I thought he only opened up to Tomoya about it?!_

  
How come that Alex-senpai seems to know more than what Taka had told the others?! And god, Toru felt so _jealous_ that this half-American knows something about Taka that he didn't know!

  
"It's not really my place to tell you, and Mori-chan probably has a reason to not tell it to you..."

  
Toru gulped at that. _Gone_ were the fuzzy feelings of butterflues and/or bugs flying in his stomach, _gone_ were the nasty thoughts of monopolizing Taka, _gone_ were these desires to _have_ him, _care_ for him, _be_ with him as _more than just friends._

  
Suddenly there was only _fear_.

  
Imminent fear on asking the vocalist about this...this, _wait_ , what was it again?

  
Alex-senpai blinked at him, and as if reading his thoughts again, he solemnly said, "The reason why he was kicked out of NEWS."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh ho ho ho. What was that ending lol.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please tell me what you think of this chapter by dropping feedbacks and/or suggestions~!
> 
> P.S. if all will be well, I'll post 2 more updates this week to make up for the shitty times I didn't.


	13. Crazy Botch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The virgin talk.
> 
> "Look what being separated has brought us!  
> Loneliness of one? Loneliness of two?  
> Well, it might be anywhere from three to four, but still  
> We’re botch either way"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one~!
> 
> Thanks for all your concern! You all make me happy LOLOLOLOLOL
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR will never be mine.

Toru almost, _almost_ laughed at that. _What the hell_ , he knows the reason! It's because of Taka's dwindling studies right? The vocalist had told him that himself, saying that he left the boy band group—which Toru didn’t know _was existing_ until Taka spilled his dark, angst-filled past in his unit, in a cold dawn months and months ago—to focus on his study and _salvage_ what was remaining of his grades.

But somewhere in the back of his head, he has these... _faint_ memories of hearing Taka talk about _rumors_...and a _girl_...and his _first true love_...while talking about his departure from the Johnny's _Jimusho_. He couldn't remember the exact words, maybe because he's just too _preoccupied_ on ogling the myriads of emotions flashing on the vocalist's face whenever he's talking about his past; but he can _certainly_ remember the _anger_ , the _pain_ , the lingering feeling of _betrayal_ whenever Taka is talking about that girl.

_Who was that girl?_

Who was that first true love Taka is referring to?

And how us it connected to his career back then?

There were so many questions running almost all at the same time on Toru's head, but despite that, he wants to smack himself— _hard at that_ —for not being sensible enough to ask questions, to get clarifications from the vocalist regarding the girl because _HOLY SHIT SO HE'S NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE?!_

Alex-senpai stared at him in shock, with Toru staring back at him with wide confused eyes, before the older teen broke into _massive_ laughing fits. There, Toru realized that he might have said—no, _screamed_ —those last words aloud.

"Of _course_ , he isn't!" Alex-senpai barked in laughter, "He’s in a boy band, Toru! Comes from a wealthy, known family, so he sure has a lot of girls following him around!"

Toru scowled at the way Alex-senpai talked as if he knows the vocalist _as well as Toru did_.

"So you _really_ know him, yeah, Alex-senpai?"

The half-American snorted haughtily. " _Maa_ , probably even before you knew. You might be our leader but sometimes, okay, I admit it, _most of the times_ , you're dense as fuck, ne?"

"What."

"Besides, can’t you see how he acts with girls? How he have this _magical_ shits pulled out whenever he's talking to a pretty girl? How he smiles wide and acts flirty and raises his voice like the manipulative motherfucker he is?"

_Yeah_ , Toru-san nodded in agreement, and it's not really funny especially when Toru is _almost constantly_ present whenever their vocalist tries to flirt with some random girls after each and every performance in the live houses!

_That insensitive jerk!_

_But that’s not his fault_ , Toru's more rational mind said like a law-abiding conscience, Taka doesn't know that _he's unconsciously ripping out my heart and making me feel like wanting to kill others just because he's trying to get into their pants or something, right?_

"You're really stupid to think that he's stull _pure as a shrine maiden_ ,"

"Ouch."

"He might've beaten you in that department but rest assured, my dear friend," Alex-senpai grinned condescendingly as he leaned over and pat Toru's shaking shoulder. He doesn't know if he's shaking because of the _shocking revelations_ about Taka's past... _escapades_ —sure he knows that the vocalist had practically roamed un Shibuya while drunk and surrounded by wrong sets of people, but he's still having a _hard time_ to accept that the midget had already get laid with someone _. I mean, how young is he when he started doing it?! Was he born as the pervert he us right now?! Whoa._

That's crazy!

_Super crazy!_

"I think, no, I _believe_ that his ass is still virgin as fuck, so _don’t worry_ ," he said, making Toru gagged in disgust. What the hell. _What the HELL?!_

" _Maa_ , now that it's established that Mori-chan is _well-experienced_ in that field, how about you? You already have past relationships, right, Toru?"

Toru _instantly_ averted his gaze at that.

His brain went on _fire_ as he frantically searched for a time that he had went out with the girl. _Huh, that’s strange_. He can't really remember anything, _well_ , aside from the countless times that someone had dragged him on the rooftop _and/or_ building corridor to tell him their _undying_ love or something. Then, there's this girl in kindergarten—whom Toru admires so much for _god-knows_ what reason, _I’m a brat back then so it’s acceptable that I totally forgot about it!_ —who gave Toru chocolates on valentine’s day. Toru being the uptight kid he was, took the chocolate home to eat it but them a friend came over—

His eyes narrowed as he _faintly_ remembered a young Ryota wearing an oversized shirt, a hat, and knee high socks, and his entire face covered with _sticky, brown_ substance.

—and ate his chocolates. _All of it_. What the hell?! _Now that I'm thinking of it, it's definitely Ryota who devoured my chocolates back then!_ He can still remember the bitterness and hatred he felt that day when he realized that he wouldn't be eating any piece of that sweet treat because someone already ate it all, _goddammit!_

But he's getting off the topic. So, aside from those traumatic experiences, Toru can't really say that he had been in a romantic relationship with someone.

"No, Toru, those times when you _ruthlessly_ break the girls heart behind the school gym were not counted," he said, wagging a finger in front of Toru's face, "So, you're teasing Ryota about being a blushing virgin when you, yourself, is a _huge fucking virgin_ , huh?!"

The Alex-senpai started _howling_ in laughter again.

Then Toru-san attacked him with his guitar.

In his dreams. _Damn._

"So _what_?" he spat venomously, "I’ve read a lot of _magazines_! And watched porn, too!" he said, desperately trying to redeem himself in front of his upperclassman. But Alex-senpai just smiled at him with a mocking look of _pity_ on his damn eyes, his lips twitching as if he's preventing himself from suddenly cackling out loud.

"Sure, Toru, but that doesn’t counts. As _pathetic_ this might sounds, but you have no idea how to woo someone, especially our bitchy vocalist—,"

"Why would I even woo him—,"

"So let me give you an advice, ne?" he offered, beaming a bright smile at the instantly wary Toru.

He suspiciously eyed the older teen, taking note of the wide, creepy grin adorning his lips, "Why would I even listen to your advice, _no offense meant_ , Alex-senpai?"

"Oh you _offending_ little shit, I’m so close in throttling you if you _weren’t_ just our leader," Alex-senpai gritted out while smiling at him, "but you should definitely listen to me because you're _doomed_ to fuck everything up if you continue being the oblivious brat you are!"

"Hey! Taka is the brat here—,"

"So listen to me and listen _well_ , Toru," he said in a suddenly low, serious voice which made Toru instantly falter and sat straighter, "We're slowly getting too much attention and sooner or later, people would _recognize_ him again, Toru," he said, probably pertaining to Taka because who the fuck else are they talking about, "Sooner or later, he will have a string of girls following him around again and before that happens, you should have already laid your groundwork. Make him feel _special_ , make him feel _loved_ , make him feel like he's _irreplaceable_ and that you _won’t be able to take it_ if he goes away or something—,"

"But I _really_ can't."

Alex-senpai froze at that, "...seriously?"

Toru felt quite offended at that, "Well, can _you_? Can you take it if the band will collapse because of the loss of our vocalist?"

The half-American eyed him with a look of mixed _pity and admiration_ as he weakly, _tiredly_ , smiled at Toru, "You're _in too_ deep, already, huh? You're already a lost cause, Toru, you know..?"

"..No?"

"Anyways, don't try to piss him off and for the love of god, I know, we all know that he's practically _too easy_ on you but don't get too cocky and demanding of him, you understand?"

Toru wanted to say that no, he doesn’t understand anything on Alex-senpai's continuous sentences but he's too exhausted already and his phone is vibrating, and it's probably the cue to leave and go back to his unit to have a peace of mind and...

Search for the real reason why Taka left the Jimusho.

Whatever.

Just...he needs to get out of here. Damn, talking with Alex-senpai always _always_ makes his head pound and feels like about to explode.

"Don’t get too demanding, _hai_ , Alex-senpai,' he methodically nodded, before looking down on his electric guitar, "I understand..."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Toru tiredly inserted the keys to the lock and switched it. God, he felt so drained. He just want to sleep the whole night or smoke in peace or immerse himself in composing songs, just to free his mind of all the shittiness going through in there.

He will never go to the lead guitarist's unit again.

_Let that be a motherfucking lesson to you, Toru_ , his mind chastised him as he entered the well-lit _genkan_ and absent mindedly toes off his shoes, _Never ever go there again or your brain would definitely explode like fucking bag of rainbows or something!_

He groaned and padded through the living area in a dazed state. He put down the guitar case on the couch and was about to go to bathroom when he realized that _holy shit I didn't own a couch!_ In fact, Taka has been constantly nagging him to buy one because his knees are aching on sitting on the floor and on Toru's bed so...

_So where the fuck I am?!_

He silently, _low-key_ freaked out but when he let his eyes roamed around the unit, and realize that, _instead of going back to his own unit_ , he had actually—albeit absent-mindedly—went running back to the vocalist's apartment. He blinked, letting out a sigh of relief as he trudged towards the kitchen. There are noises coming from there and based on the hiss of steam and clacking of pans and plates— _and the undeniably good aroma of curry being cooked in the air_ —Taka is definitely in there, doing his _magical-kitchen stuffs._

Toru silently trudged towards the direction of the sound, halting his steps when he saw that the vocalist was indeed there—standing with his back facing Toru. He was humming a soft tune, something Toru had never heard off, and dropping distinct words—like _garasu? Karasu?_ —here and there.

_He's probably trying to make a song right now, huh..._

Toru...

Despite the _burning_ desire to get closer to the vocalist, Toru just stayed don his spot, watching like the _creep_ he is, as Taka move gracefully on the counter. He can’t see his face but he's damn sure that there's a cute frown marring his concentrated looks as he chopped vegetables with the resounding sound of the knife hitting the chopping board.

And without even having a peek of that familiar face, Taka looks so _good_ like that. Content, happy, humming softly as if he's the only person remaining in the world. Like he _owns_ it.

And it makes Toru's chest hurt even more because he wants this, _god he wants this_...this vocalist cooking in _his_ kitchen, his pretty voice reverberating off all the corners of _his_ house, his grin lighting up every nook and cranny of _his_ unit...

But he _can't..._

The band is the _priority_.

_My feelings can wait._

But even before he can break down into manly tears, his feet were already shuffling forward until he's standing tight behind the vocalist who, _for some unknown reasons_ , suddenly stopped chopping the carrots and slightly glanced at him over his shoulder, with a huge pout on his lips.

"Took you long enough to show your damn face, Toru-san!" he hissed and that was too much to take for the poor guitarist so without even thinking twice, he suddenly wrapped his arms around the vocalist's waist, pulling the spluttering Takahiro closer until his back was flushed against Toru's chest.

"O-oi!"

For a moment, Toru was scared that Taka would feel the madly beating organ beneath his chest, that the vocalist would try to push him away, but instead, Taka just huffed in _resignation_ as he picked up the knife— _oh shit he's gonna stab me for real, god_ —and resumed chopping the carrots into smaller pieces.

And it _felt_ so good.

That sign of acceptance felt so damn good That Toru just wants to melt behind the vocalist as he dumped his face over Taka's shoulder.

He knows that this is crossing the _boundary_ , disregarding the limits between being friends and something more than friends but he don't care, he _couldn't_ care because as long as Taka is not pushing away in disgust and loathing, Toru would still push the limits, _once small step at a time_.

" _Uwahhh_...I’m so tired," he mumbled against the fabric of Taka's soft shirt, "hungry tooo..."

He heard the vocalist snort, totally disregarding the fact that their mighty leader just waltzed into his kitchen and is now hugging him from behind like a _motherfucking clingy koala_ , "You're acting like a kid again, Toru-san. Did something happened?" he asked, suspicion evident in his soft voice.

Toru hummed, nuzzling further to his shoulder and subtly tightened his grip on the waist. He wonders why he's not having a boner right now despite being so so close to the vocalist. Maybe it's because of the peaceful, comfortable atmosphere between them. Or maybe because he doesn't always want to bang Taka or something. Maybe he just wants the comfort and warmth radiating from the vocalist's presence. Maybe that's _enough_ , even just for now...

"No," he said, earning a glare from taka, "Nothing happened."

“Well, good for _you_ ," Taka huffed before subtly—but Toru still felt it and it made him grin like the triumphant asshole he is—leaned back onto his chest, "Something happened to me and ruined my jacket and you’re gonna listen to my story while we eat, whether you like it or not, ne?"

"Sure," he instantly answered, the desire to ask why he left the Jimusho was on the tip of his tongue but he refrained from asking it and risking to ruin that special, precious moment, _anything for you, Takahiro_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The part with the girl and the chocolates from Toru's kindergarten years were totally legit, but it's not Ryota who ate the treats. I don't have any idea on who that was. You can find it here: https://dollydesu.wordpress.com/2016/12/06/rockinon-japan-2014-yamashita-toru-interview-part-13/
> 
> -Taka was humming the song Karasu.
> 
> -I don't know if Taka is still a virgin at this age. I'm betting that he isn't.
> 
> -I'm enjoying writing Alex-senpai. Maybe I should write an entire chapter with his POV. Also, Tomoya and Ryota have small air-time these past few chapters LOLOLOLOL let's just assume that they're doing their...stuffs while we focus on these two dorks in love.
> 
> On the side note, the last part of the last chapter was already drafted. It's...uhm...fucking shit that I might change it or something in the future.   
> Tho this is far from getting finished coz I only got around 3 or more chapters. I should really start writing more to keep up with the updates XD
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading~!


	14. You've Broken My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking down.
> 
> "It's probably from when I fell in love with you things started to become more difficult"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 updates this week! Yay! Tho this is a short one.  
> Now I'm almost out of my drafts! Time to write new ones LOL
> 
> I'm withering with the lack of updates from our boys. They're really spending their alone time to the fullest huh?
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not and will never be mine.

The next few days went faster— _much_ to Taka’s dismay. They’ve spent days and nights arranging music, creating _demos after demos_ —picking the best and putting the rest away for improvement. Taka’s unit has become their so-called _base_ where the first stages of creating songs happened—the walls were lined up with papers and chord sheets, the floors were full of pizza and take-out boxes, ashtray filled to the brim by cigarette stubs— _yes, I’m looking at you, Toru-san, don’t fucking try to escape cleaning it by looking like a sulking kid, you damn dinosaur_ —and many _more_ papers.

During break time, Taka would proceed on making meals, if he’s still not exhausted as fuck. They would eat _together_ , nap _together_ and do various things to relax before repeating the song-making process again.

The baseball freaks— _Alex, Ryota and Tomoya_ —would often screeched after a day of arranging songs. It would be Tomoya who would first scream something like “ ** _freedom!!!”_** before he would grab his baseball gears and dash the hell out of Taka’s unit as if he’s being chased by man-eating vultures.

Ryota would happily jog beside him, while Alex would make sure to give Taka and Toru a _disgustingly-suspicious_ smirk before leaving the unit to play baseball to god-knows-where. The half-American was even proud to call themselves as _relaxation professionals_ because the three of them can find peace and relaxation by moving their body under the scorching heat of the sun. It was still in the middle of spring but Taka would definitely die of exhaustion if he’ll stay more than a minute outside at this hour.

That would leave Taka and Toru to _themselves_.

_Alone._

With just the two of them.

But nothing really happens— _n-not like I’m hoping that something would happen, gah, why am I even defending myself from my own thoughts?!_ A-anyway, the two would always silently move things away and clear some space on the floor.

Then they would lie there and listen to music—not their own, but of Western ones—pointing out the strengths and weaknesses of each and every song. They would listen and exchange their views, sometimes laughing at their ridiculously low ability to understand English, before falling into a pleasant, comfortable silent. They would stare at the white ceiling, lying side-by-side, thinking that _“ah, this is the life we’ve always been dreaming off. Making music every day, performing live every night,”_ with small, contented smiles on their face, before sleep slowly claimed their exhausted bodies.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

However, no matter how fun making songs is, everyone has their limit. _Especially_ Taka who’s now moody and bitchy as a _mother-cat-in-labor_ because he’s so damn tired, his throat is slightly killing him— _damn pollen grains littering in the air, I fucking hate spring_ —and their arranger is constantly hovering over his back, asking him to sing a part over and over again.

Taka has been _so_ tired. He just wants to go home and curl up under his sheets but _no_ , just as he was exiting the recording room, their producer suddenly popped out of nowhere— _WTF, DUDE don’t scare the shit out of me or I’ll punch you_ —and blocked his way out.

Taka looked up with a slightly pissed off expression on his face, wondering why on earth did this man decided to stand in his way.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice was a bit an octave higher than his usual one, making the entire band—who’s casually lounging in the long, yellow couch—look at him in worry. They probably knows that Taka used that _tone_ whenever he’s freaking out or whenever _shit is about to hit the fan_ , so they casted confused looks on Taka and the producer. Tomoya and Ryota even stopped playing their video games to watch the scene unfold before their very eyes, while Toru-san propped his guitar over his lap and subtly leaned his body to probably hear more of the impending _doom_ that was about to explode inside the Amuse Recording Studio.

“You sing _well,_ today, Taka-kun,” the producer said and Taka’s cheeks _didn’t_ flared at that compliment. No, not at all. It was just because of the temperature that his face decided to heat up and… _get flustered as fuck._

“Uh, yeah?” he looked down, suddenly finding the shiny wooden floors interesting while ignoring how his band mates _cooed_ like motherfuckers on how cute their vocalist is acting like a shy _, timid_ boy.

That pissed Taka, inwardly, b _ecause I’m not even acting!_

_I’m a genuinely shy boy!_

But he kept that complaint to himself. And the threats of no-dinner and friendly slaps for his band mates because this is such a moment where he thinks he’s a genius or something. Ah, it really feels _good_ when someone is praising your hard work!

“In fact, it was better than yesterday! You hit all the notes right, and your voice really complements with Toru-kun’s rapping!” the producer continued showering him good words that Taka started having this tiny, _tiny_ feeling that the man is planning something really bad and that Taka should get the fuck out of there even before—, “So, since you’re in better condition today, let’s have one more trial, ne? Please sing the entire part again, Taka-kun!”

And then, all hell break loose.

…

Okay, maybe that was a bit of...exaggeration. Nothing _really_ violent happened, well, except with the sudden silence inside the studio. Somehow, every noise _magically_ disappeared as soon as those words left the producer’s mouth. Then Taka’s eyes widened, his mouth parting open in pure, _undulated_ shock and even before everyone can process what was happening, Taka _snapped._

His almond-shaped eyes were instantly glazed with big, fat glob of tears as he glared at their producer with all the murderous intent he can.

How dare he?!

_How dare you tell me to start all over again?! Can’t you see?! Can’t you see that I’m almost at my limit here, you stuck-up ass producer?!_

Taka would really, _really_ love to say—no, _scream_ —those venomous words aloud but his rational mind took over, just this once. He don’t want to create any animosity between the band and the management, it will surely affect their standing in _aer-born_. Their just starting and were literally just like newly-born animals in the wild.

If the management would learn that Taka had screamed his lungs off the producer, they will surely freak out and cancel whatever plans they have for One OK Rock—especially their dream first album.

So no, Taka didn’t say anything—he just bit his lower lip so hard that it almost bleed out, in a pathetic attempt to prevent himself from just… _exploding_ into a screaming and crying mess. Then he ran—dashed towards the toilet, slam the door with a resounding _bang!_ Before _dramatically_ sliding onto the cold floor—you know, the kind of shits the bullied protagonist always does whenever she caught his boyfriend/husband/sex-friend fucking other girl?

 _That’s it._ Taka did it. Only with less class and heart-breaking background music.

_Why is he so cruel to me?!_

_I’m so tired!_

_I don’t want to sing anymore!_

…

…

Those thoughts were really, _really_ dumb and immature, even for Taka who’s been raised with a sliver spoon in his mouth but _HEY_ , he has been singing for days, writing lyrics for a week, and fighting allergies and runny nose all these time so he thought that it’s _fine._

He’s _weak_ , he’s _cold_ , he’s _lonely_ and he’s _longing_ for some free time for himself, even if it’s just a day.

_I wanna go home…_

He cried, tears rolling down his cheeks like waterfalls as he sniffed like a bullied child—ignoring the worried voices behind the door. He pulled his knees closer as he cried messily, his exhaustion and stress—all the pressure being kept inside him just fucking blew up like a magnificent volcanic eruption.

_I wanna go home, Toru-san…_

He dumped his flustered face onto his cheeks, his body succumbing to the immense pressure on his shoulders. He sobbed and wailed like the pathetic wuss he is. Everyone is probably losing all their shits because of this…this overly-dramatic act he just pulled but _damn!_ _Give me a fucking break, already!_

And then, much to Taka’s deteriorating mood, the producer—the cause of all his tears and sobs—really had the audacity to gently knock on the door, startling the living daylights out of Taka and almost made him dive his face onto the water closet across him before asking—

“Hey? Taka-kun? Are you alright, Taka-kun?”

_Do I look like I’m fucking alright?!_

“I’m obviously not alright!” he yelled before angrily crying by himself again.

He can hear Toru-san—the ever wise and mature but sometimes oblivious Toru-san—apologize to the producer for Taka’s rather childish actions. The leader was saying something about Taka feeling a bit under the weather these past few days and that everyone could just kindly… _get the fuck out_ —well, those were not the exact words but they have the _same thought_ , or so Taka thought, damn all these-crying shits making his mind turn into useless puddle—and he’ll deal with Taka.

Much to his relief, Alex took over. He said that he’ll just treat everyone to some ramen or yakiniku or _what the fuck ever_ , making Tomoya and Ryota cheered like fucking children. A few seconds later, Taka can hear the sounds of instrument cases being zipped shut, and the fading footsteps of everyone as they probably climb the stairs towards the exit of the studio.

Taka stopped crying at that and blankly stared at the white water closet across for a few seconds him because _WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!_

Did those fuckers really just left him here?! All alone?!

_Just because Alex would treat them some food?!_

Holy shit, that stings like a bee!

Then Taka started bawling even _harder_ because that’s what you normally do when you realized that your friends would easily and gladly leave you for some piece of heavenly grilled meat or some steamy, rich-flavored ramen.

Taka heard his stomach rumbling, loudly screaming that it’s about damn time to eat instead of sulking and crying like a huge crybaby inside the cold toilet.

_Damn, now I’m getting hungry!_

_Damn that producer for being too strict!_

_Damn Alex for not even asking if he wants to come and eat with them!_

_Damn everything and everyone else!_

And then…

And then…someone knocked from the other side of the door. _Again._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Alex had really said that they--the baseball trio--are called relaxation professionals who can relax while moving their bodies (and doing sports). Taka said in the another interview that he and Toru would just stay at home because they don't really like sports. Huh. What were you doing at home you two?! Suspicious, Taka. Veeery suspicious. You can find it here: http://www.jame-world.com/uk/articles-4982-interview-with-one-ok-rock-in-tokyo.html
> 
> -The part where Taka came running to the toilet to cry is totally legit! It was based from the 18fes documentary. You can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_xVzLwzKbU
> 
> I'm feeling a lot better now tho I haven't fully recovered. Thanks for everyone who wished me well LOL
> 
> Thanks for reading~!


	15. And I Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comfort me, Toru-san.
> 
> "Can you hear my heartbeat?  
> I'm crying  
> And I know, yeah, everything  
> Even that which seems about to disappear  
> Can you hear my scream?  
> I'm crying"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I died this weekend then I was revived by the IG updates about the two. The edits were hilarious as fuck.
> 
> Here's a short chapter for everyone~!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except my grammar and typographical errors. Also the OOC-ness and shitty, slow-as-a-motherfucking-tortoise plot.
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO: **holyastronauts** -san in instagram made an unofficial fansite for OOR~! It's cool! You can check it out here: www.oorers.com. Please drop by if you can! Thank you very much!

“Hey, Taka? Are you… _alright_?”

It was Toru-san’s voice—that deep baritone that easily make Taka’s nerves calm down just by hearing them. _Toru-san_ is there. Toru-san is _here_. He didn’t left Taka.

_He didn’t leave me._

“Okay, that was a stupid question coz you’re _obviously_ not,” he heard the younger teen rambling behind the door. Taka snorted, as he can imagine the teen awkwardly scratching the back of his head because he’s not really good in comforting other people in the first place.

“But seriously, come out here. You scared us all, you know? Come out and let’s… _I don’t know_ , talk about this?”

Taka should really be grateful that someone—which was their leader— _stayed behind_ for him but he’s still having this awful mood-swings remember? So instead of being thankful for the other’s presence, he snapped at him like the bitchy teen he is.

“You _suck_ at comforting, Toru-san!” he loudly said, “You sounds like you’re not even trying, _mou_!”

“The _fu_ —,” he heard the guitarist roughly exhaled, before he speak again with a somewhat more mellow voice, “Okay, fine. I sucked at these shits, but seriously, just come out and let _me_ try to comfort you, ne?”

“You sound _stupid_!” he said.

_Wow, Taka. Way to act like an ungrateful asshole huh?!_

Well, would you look at _that_. Even his own self is getting annoyed with his own bitchiness. Isn’t just fantastic?

“I’m _trying_ here, you bastard!” Toru-san growled before knocking _aggressively_ on the door.

What the—

The guitarist is probably turning the knob like a maniac as he tried pushing the door with so much force that even Taka feared for the well-being of the door.

“Don’t molest the door, Toru-san!” he screeched but instead of obeying him, as usual, the younger teen did the complete opposite and just _doubled_ his effort on knocking the shitty piece of wood that’s currently _separating them from each other_. Huh. That sounds like it came straight from a cheesy romance film!

_Blegh!_

“Then fucking open it, you asshole!”

He let out a scandalized gasp at that, “And now _I’m_ the asshole?! You really suck at this you _gachapin-faced_ bastard! That’s not how you comfort someone!”

“How can I comfort you if you’re hiding huh?! Open this damn door!”

“Now you’re threatening me?!” Taka pushed himself off the cold floor and glared at the door, imagining that he’s _actually_ glaring knives and everything sharp at their rhythm guitarist, “I’m not afraid of you, Toru-san!”

“Open this door!” the teen demanded but Taka just arrogantly huffed and crossed his arms over his chest petulantly, “I’m warning you, Taka!”

“Don’t try using that tone to me, Toru-san! You might be our leader but you can’t just order me around!”

 _Well, that was hypocrisy at its finest._ Taka isn’t even the band’s leader but he’s always acting like one and ordering everyone around like a moody king. _Heh._

“ _Taka…_ ”

The vocalist visibly flinched when the said leader just lowered his voice, like he’s growling and silently promising a _shit-ton_ of scolding and glaring to Taka later.

“I-I’m not—,”

“ ** _Takahiro_**.”

_Fine, fine, you demanding prick!_

Taka flung the door open, revealing the satisfied face of their leader—a smug smirk plastered on his thin lips as he raise an inquisitive brow when Taka obeyed—albeit begrudgingly—his words like an obedient little puppy just by hearing the guitarist say his full name.

_Damn you, Toru-san._

Also, _damn you Takahiro for being a wimpy brat, mou!_

“Are you happy n-now?” his voice cracked a bit at the sight of their mighty leader. Taka doesn’t know why but there’s something about Toru-san that just make him _weak and strong_ at the same time. He would want to keep all the tears, all the cries, all the pressure within him—so as not to look weak in the younger’s eyes—but at the same time…

Just the sight of Toru-san makes him want to _crumble_ , to lower his walls, to cry and _be comforted._ He knows it’s weird, and is just blaming it all to his undying loyalty and trust to their leader, but… _but_ something at the back of his mind is telling another thing.

A _scary_ thing.

A thing that never ever crossed his mind on all those times they’ve spent together—ate together, make songs together, stroll around together. And it scared Taka shitless because it’s _foreign_ , it’s _heavy_ , it’s _suffocating_ and it’s _nameless_.

That feeling…

So he _pushed_ it off. He pushed it down the deepest and darkest recesses of his mind—wanting to just forget it forever—but by seeing how the annoying smug smirk on Toru-san’s face was slowly being replaced by a worried frown, those scary feelings instantly _resurfaced_ , making Taka’s frame shudder and his eyes streamed with a fresh set of tears.

But he would _not_ come to him. So he stubbornly stood on his spot, his almond-shaped eyes glaring at the floor as soft hiccups racked his body in an attempt to prevent himself from just… _I don’t know_ , having a full-blown crying-episode.

And miraculously, the always _dense_ , always _dazed_ as fuck Toru-san managed to get the hint— _which was a first time, wow!_ —and walked towards Taka to envelope him in a – _hopefully_ —platonic embrace. His calloused hands ruffled Taka’s hair affectionately, travelling to his back to rub it with soothing motions while Taka just automatically clings like a motherfucking koala on the guitarist’s T-shirt.

“ _Hai, hai_ ,” Toru-san nodded even if Taka hasn’t said anything, “I know you’re tired, every one of us is tired, but that’s still not an excuse to be an asshole to the producer, ne?”

“But it’s his fault!”

“Hai, hai, but you’re a moody little shit— _ugh_ —,” all air left Toru-san’s lungs as Taka landed a fist on it, “—so you’ll still have to apologize to him, alright?”

“…”

“Taka…”

“Fine, you jerk!” he finally relented, as he leaned back and started aggressively rubbing his red-rimmed eyes. Toru-san must’ve seen that because he has eyes that are currently staring at Taka’s flustered face; and to his surprise, the guitarist suddenly grabbed both of his wrists and pulled it away of his face.

_What the fuck—_

“You’re gonna make it more irritated,” he gently said, making Taka’s jaws hit the floor boards because _matte, matte, matte!_ Why is Toru-san looking at him like that?! Like…like…

_He’sgonnakissmedammit!_

Then, a pair of warm, calloused, and much larger hands find their way on his face, landing fleeting touches on his burning cheeks before he encase Taka’s face in the warmth of his hands.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru watched as a vivid scarlet exploded on Taka’s cheeks as he run his fingers all over his face. Damn, his ego is inflating like a fucking _hot-air balloon_ when Taka is allowing him to hold him like this—especially when the vocalist _subtly_ leaned towards his touch like a cat begging to be petted.

He really doesn’t like seeing Taka crying like this—or crying at all for that matter. He knows that the vocalist has been on the edge because of stress and exhaustion these past few days, and just as he feared it, he snapped like a fucking twig earlier.

He’s worried, sure, because _what if Taka would go down with flu again?_ This time is so crucial for their band, and Toru hates himself for thinking about the welfare of their band—for prioritizing their future over Taka’s health again.

And now…

Takahiro looks so _vulnerable_ like this.

Well…

Time for Toru to _take advantage_ of that!

_Hah! Yes, I could be a giant, manipulating bastard indeed, ahahahahaha!_

But Toru kept all those _dark_ thoughts to himself as he gently wiped away the tears from Taka’s eyes using his thumbs. Those almond-shaped eyes that are usually glaring are now puffy and red, yet wide with shock and confusion as Toru continued his ministrations.

Then his eyes wandered at the _forbidden_ territory.

Those full, red _red_ lips that Taka had been biting violently earlier were slightly parted—puffs of air coming out from them as Taka struggled to regain his proper breathing—and _STOP STOP STOP STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!_

He suddenly pulled the vocalist—forcing his flustered, dazed face onto Toru’s shirt—ignoring the muffled protest from the older teen as he sighed in relief that he managed to control himself from just leaning forward and kissing Taka _right there and then._

“Gah!” Taka was screaming against his clothes before he remembered that the vocalist probably need some space to breathe or something, “Do you _haaa_ want to suffocate me to _haaa_ death!?” he wheezed out as he bounced away from him.

_Eh…_

Not really.

 _But I can kiss you to death_ , his mind supplied.

Toru scowled at that thought.

“That’s just your imagination. You looked like you needed a hug so I gave you one,” he said his excuse with a damn-straight face, making Taka glanced at him with murderous, puffy eyes, “Come on. Let’s clean up. I’ll ask Gocchan for a day-off tomorrow so you can unwind and we could all go back to recording as soon as possible. You’ll decide where would we go tomorrow, hai?”

The vocalist didn’t move from his spot at that. Heck, he looks like he even stopped _breathing_ for a moment, making Toru look back at him worriedly. _Have I said something to offend him?_

“Hey? What’s wrong?”

Taka stared at him before scowling, “You sounds like you’re asking me out on a _date_ , Toru-san…”

He couldn’t think of a good way to respond to that so he just dumbly stared at him, “…and?”

“You’re not even denying it, Toru-san?”

“What’s _wrong_ with it?”

Taka opened his mouth, as if he’s planning to say more, but decided against it at the last minute. Then he just shook his head, before lowering it and turning his back on Toru.

“Nothing, asshole,” he said—making Toru’s eyes to widen the size of the fucking universe when he saw a _full-blown yet rather demure smile_ gracing the vocalist’s lips—as he stuffed his things into his backpack, “You still suck in comforting someone so you owe me a ramen for this!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yey~!
> 
> A date! Finally! Though I think it will be just a one-sided one hohohoho the draft for the next chapters were done and it took me so long because the two won't fucking shut up and stop bickering like assholes. Also, someone would be making an appearance in the later part because we need to reestablish his role in this story again LOLOLOL
> 
> See you in the next chapters!
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please tell me what you think tho~!


	16. Rose Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My draft for this had turned out to be quite long so, as usual, I decided to divide it in 3 parts! This is the first one.
> 
> "It's alright to me, the pain will become  
> Luscious, agonizing, nectar to me yeah"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance if their date is shitty as fuck because I don't have any experience in that LOL.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothiiiiing.
> 
>  
> 
> **ALSO: holyastronauts-san in instagram made an unofficial fansite for OOR~! It's cool! You can check it out here: www.oorers.com. Please drop by (or be a member) if you can! Thank you very much!**

When Taka said that he have deicded where to go for their sudden day off— _sudden because it’s not really in the schedule_ ; it just so happened that their vocalist is having a breakdown because of too much stress and pressure—Toru thought that Taka would want to go to some music shop and fishing camps around Tokyo.

But no, Taka—the _ever-extravagant_ spender Taka—chose to go to Harajuku to shop for clothes and accessories. Pretty much like a _girl_.

_This sucks…_

Toru inwardly groaned as he followed the smaller teen, his eyes darting back and forth around them. This place is so lively with too much teens with colorful hairs and weird clothes. He would prefer catching a shit ton of fishes in some remote area then eat ramen afterwards but he had promised their vocalist that he would go wherever Taka wanted to.

And a man _never_ goes back on his words.

And he's _definitely_ a man.

Only with a _not-so_ manly feelings of attraction towards _another_ man.

So here he is, trudging like a _sleep-deprived_ zombie wearing a cap, a huge black shirt and denim pants. Taka on the other hand is wearing a beanie, an overly-large jacket which _suspiciously_ looks like the one Toru had left in the vocalist’s unit a few months ago—

_I was dying searching for it! You could’ve just told me that you have it you—_

—while his mouth and nose were covered by a face-mask to—as Taka had _dramatically_ uttered earlier when he fetched him from his apartment— _“prevent all the shits and toxic of the world getting and irritating my goddamned throat.”_

Huh.

The vocalist taking care of himself is a good thing, not only for Taka’s health but for the band’s welfare as well. So, that’s good…even if Toru is basically dragging his feet as he followed the smaller teen like an obedient little puppy.

_So, this is like a date right?_

But…but why _doesn’t_ it feel different from the usual times we hang out together?

Those questions had been plaguing up his mind since yesterday, but he’s _dumb_ and tired and has a shit-ton of demo’s to arrange so he called Alex-senpai for advice. Well, he’s _aware_ by now that calling the half-American isn’t really a _good thing_ for his poor brain but he’s running out of options— _and fingernails, because he’s been biting on it ever since he went home_ —so he still called.

And considered throwing himself out of the window because it was such a bad, terrible, _horrible_ idea.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“ _Date?!_ ” the half-American blasted his eardrums with his high-pitched squeal, that made Toru pull the phone away from his ear, “You asked Mori-chan out on a date?! Are you shitting me?”

“I shit you _not_ , Alex-senpai,” Toru mumbled, his brows scrunching up in confusion as he heard some faint rustling of fabric and a woman whispering somewhere in the background—

_Wait, don’t tell me—_

“And I didn’t really asked him out, he’s just stressed. You saw him breaking down earlier ne? I thought that he’ll end up _murdering_ all of us tomorrow if he’ll continue on the recording without having some…break,” he shrugged.

“So you _did_ asked him out—,”

“I just said I _didn’t_!” he insisted, his patience dissipating at a rather alarming rate, “I just told him that we’re going out tomorrow and that he can choose where to go!”

..

…

_Huuuuuh._

“Everyone else called that _“asking out for a date”_ you dumb fuck,” Alex-senpai gritted out on the other line, making Toru instantly want to hurl his damn phone on the wall across him, “But letting that aside, congratulations Toru! You’re _officially_ a man, you shit! You finally made it—,”

Oh. Okay.

_That’s it._

Toru couldn’t take it anymore so he just pressed the end button, stared at the wall with a blank, _lost_ look on his face as he mentally punched himself for even trying to ask advice from Alex-senpai.

But a few minutes later— _and about 16 missed calls from the lead guitarist_ —Alex-senpai bombarded his phone with messages that will surely, according to him, make his date with Mori-chan a bit better—because he’s sure that Toru would _definitely_ fuck everything up—and memorable.

**Alex-senpai:** How dare you ignore my calls, lover boy!

**Alex-senpai:** Anyways, I’ll still give my advice.

**Alex-senpai:** Tip no.1, **do not** , and I mean it, come late.

 

Toru snorted upon reading that. That’s rich coming from the _notorious_ late-comer like Alex-senpai himself.

 

**Alex-senpai:** Mori-chan would definitely kill you for that. Also, fetch him from his unit, and fucking knock like any _sane_ citizen of this country do. Don’t use your duplicates, moron.

 

_Pfffft._ What’s wrong with using it? It’s not like Taka would attack him with a guitar just because of his usual trespassing shits, right? He hummed thoughtfully, and upon weighing the odds, he decided not to use it tomorrow. _I’ll try_.

 

**Alex-senpai:** Next one, compliment his clothes. Or the way he dressed. Girls like this kind of shit, ya know?

 

_But Taka isn’t even a girl, mou!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Earlier this morning.

Toru stared at Taka as the older teen stared up at him in confusion and… _mild_ irritation. They have been standing on the doorway for a full minute, while staring at each other, waiting for someone who would break the tensed silence between them.

Tour is having a _mini-mental breakdown_ as he tried to think of something good to say that will brighten up the mood of their vocalist.

_Compliment…compliment him—_

He nervously glanced at the…rather _casual_ attire of their vocalist. There’s really nothing different on how Taka dressed for today—maybe because it’s only Toru, _or Alex-senpai_ , who’s thinking that this will be a date or something—so he just blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.

“Is that _my_ jacket?”

…

…

Maybe he _majestically_ failed that one because Taka suddenly went huffing like he’s been bullied to death, muttering that since it’s in his unit, it is probably his.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Alex-senpai:** Tip no 3, hold his hand while walking

 

_Engggkk!!!_ An imaginary buzzer for wrong answers suddenly rang in his mind at that.

_Wrong advice Alex-senpai_ , Toru snorted as he skipped the next tip and proceed to the next one. Toru had held Taka's hands a couple of times already, back in the winter season when the vocalist was constantly in danger of slipping on the snow-covered sidewalk. That might be _one_ of Toru's reasons, but now that he's thinking about it, he's just probably dying to have more physical contact with the vocalist. Taka wasn’t really that much of a fan of body contact with others because of his shit-tons of trust issues so maybe, Toru just went out and flat out lied that he wants Taka to be safe.

Which definitely turned out _fine_ because Taka would always, _always_ held his hand even after cussing Toru to death.

 

He scrolled down further. But Alex-senpai's advices are getting ridiculous as he went further. Tips like "cook for him"— _yeah, and kill the both of us in a kitchen explosion and/or food poisoning pshhh_ ; "buy him things" –as if the vocalist would actually let him buy stuffs, besides, Taka probably owned everything Toru can think of, and his attempt would just result into the vocalist buying stuffs for him instead of the other way around.

Toru was so damn near into throwing his phone onto the walls when he noticed the last tip from his upperclassman.

“Walk him home, hold his hands, stare at his eyes and _kiss_ him. Dude, don’t botch it up.”

Kiss Taka?

_For real?_

…

Alex-senpai’s train of thoughts is _ridiculous_. And _suicidal_ because the last time Toru had kissed the vocalist, it resulted to Taka almost breaking down in hysterical tears.

But he’ll put that in mind, the last tip, that is.

_Who knows when it’ll be needed?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You look like your mom had forced you to wear some stuffy clothes, Toru-san,” he was abruptly pulled out of his stupor when Taka suddenly spoke beside him. Toru blinked as he looked around their surroundings, just noticing that they somewhat ended up in the Kiddy Land.

What.

Taka is busy inspecting the toys lining up the walls, humming the new melody of their single, but with a slight scowl on his face. His brows are furrowed in confusion as he touched a toy, “What, you swallowed your tongue or something?”

“Uhm…no,” Toru shrugged and made his way towards the older teen, “What are we doing here anyways? You want some toys? Aren’t you _too_ old for that?”

Taka shot him a dirty, completely offended look over his shoulder, “Did you see me complaining about your Avril posters? No? But aren’t you also too old for that?”

“Don’t bring Avril into this!”

“Awww!!!” Taka playfully batted his eyelashes onto his cheeks, and even without actually seeing it, Toru is sure that a huge, teasing grin is currently plastered on the vocalist’s lips under his mask, “What? Are you offended, Avril-chan _fanboy_ ~?”

“Oh you shitty _fuck_ , I’m gonna fuck you up so bad you’ll regret even—,”

That string of curses made Taka jumped on his spot as he latched onto his clothes, “What the hell Toru-san!” he looked around in fear that some kid heard that traumatic words from the rhythm guitarist, “Don’t talk _dirty_ here! There is a shit-ton of kids here!”

_Aren’t you the one talking trash here?!_

Toru snorted and shrugged the vocalist’s hands off his clothes—which is a huge hypocrisy on his part because god knows how he craved for physical contact these days—and stared at the sailor moon figurines across the aisle.

“So, what are we doing here?” he then shot a leering look on the vocalist’s form, “If you’re looking for _toys_ , aren’t we in the wrong side of Tokyo, naa, Taka-chaaan?”

Taka visibly shivered either because of Toru’s weird way of calling his name or because of the implications of his words for the perverted midget—he’ll never know. What matters the most is the sharp glare that the vocalist is directing at him. If looks could kill, Toru would definitely just drop dead right there and then.

“Shut the fuck up,” the older teen hissed in irritation, “I’m here to buy some gifts from my brothers. If you’re not interested then you could _kindly_ fuck off outside. It’s not like I forced you to come along, remember?”

Toru felt himself sweat at that. Holy shit, he didn’t expected this sudden turn of events. What the hell. This is supposed to be their first date, not another normal day of gritting out cusses and foul language to each other!

Well…this is more like a _one-sided_ date, because it’s just Toru _(and Alex-senpai but he’s not here so his opinion doesn’t matter anyways)_ who’s thinking of it as a date but whatever. Taka is now stalking away from him while Toru remained rooted on his spot—not minding the kids bumping into him—with a complete look of lost on his face. He probably looks like an abandoned little puppy, waiting for his master to come back and pick him up after misbehaving in public.

_I made him angry again._

_Even if Alex-senpai made it really, really clear on not to piss Taka off, mou!_

Toru was running out of things to do so he just stayed there. It’s not really the smartest thing to do but he thought that it wouldn’t do anything good if he followed Taka to…wherever he wants to go. So, Toru just stared on the girly sailor-uniformed girls with rainbow colored hairs with a solemn look on his face. Maybe this is where he’ll wither away and _die—_ waiting for the vocalist who has probably already ditched him a few minutes ago.

_Damn. Maybe this is a bad idea._

_Maybe I should’ve followed him—_

But just as Toru is starting to low-key panic on his spot, Taka magically appeared behind him—startling him like _fuck_. Taka is looking at him with wide, curious eyes as if he’s wondering on why the fuck is Toru staring on an array of sailor moon stuffs instead of, _I don’t know_ , following him when he stalked off earlier—two shopping bags on his hands.

“U-uhm…”

Taka’s eyes darted towards the figurines before looking back up at Toru. _Oh no_ , he don’t like that kind of look from the older teen. That kind of look when Taka is obviously thinking of wrong assumptions—

“So, you ditched me to stare at Sailor Moon, huh,” he said before looking down on the pair of expensive shoes his wearing—making Toru choke back whatever excuse he’s planning to say—, “Gomen. I didn’t mean to bitch out on you, it’s just…You’re just an asshole, you know that?”

“Wow,” he blandly said, his hand _itching_ to take those feminine ones on his own and squeeze it reassuringly, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Taka grinned before stretching his limbs and looking at the glass wall behind Toru, “Now what? Do you have more plans for _our_ date, Toru-san?”

…

…

Toru almost— _almost_ —doubled over in shock and bewilderment at that. How could Taka throw those words so carelessly? And oh, so Toru wasn’t the only one who’s thinking that this… _this shit_ is considered as a date, huh?! Well, isn’t that great?!

“D-date?!” he stammered out like the _pathetic_ fool he is, “W-what do you mean?”

He probably sounds like a high-pitched pre-teen girl that made Taka look at him in confusion.

“Well, when two people are going out, isn’t that called a date, Toru-san?”

…

“O-oh.”

So that’s how it is. Damn. Toru can see his ego and all of his hopeful thinking deflate like a fucking hot air balloon at that. He was so dumbfounded that he just allowed Taka to man-handle—well, the vocalist clutched on his clothes and drag him out of the shop and into the bustling sidewalks again—him.

“Now that I’m thinking about it, have you ever brought someone on a date, Toru-san?”

“No!” he said, without missing a heartbeat. His response came out so fast that Taka visibly flinched at his voice before letting out an awkward laugh, “I-I haven’t…”

“Chill, Toru-san, it’s not like I’ll judge you for that.”

Oh. That’s…nice?

And then the fucking midget burst into _uncontrollable_ fits of laughter, making it obvious that _yes_ , he’s just blatantly judging and laughing at Toru’s expense.

“Ahahahahahaha that’s so lame _ahahahahaha_!!!”

Taka even had the audacity to lean on him to prevent himself from stumbling over because of the intense laughing spree he’s currently into. Toru was so tempted to just move away and let the vocalist fall flat on his ass but damn the attraction-thingy clouding his judgments and shit.

“Well, fuck you!” he retaliated—he can feel himself blushing to the tips of his hair in humiliation, “How about you? Have you ever brought someone out on a date, huh?”

Toru swears that he saw some sliver of panic on the vocalist’s eyes but it was gone in a flash. Instead, a full-blown ecstatic look exploded on Taka’s face as he mournfully shook his head—like he’s mourning for Toru’s…lack of experience in that area.

“Ah, Toru, _Toru-san_ ,” he chanted, clacking his tongue like an old man does whenever he’s about to go preach some shits or something equally boring, “You’re really asking me that stupid question? Me? _Really_?”

“Well, do you see anyone else here where I might direct that question, huh?”

It’s obviously not the right answer because Taka purposely attempted to slam his foot on Toru’s shoes—emphasis on the word _“attempted”_ because Toru has this awesome evading skills, that made him jump out of the kicking range of their vocalist.

_Hah! Take that you sadistic freak!_

“Urgh!” Taka huffed, before crossing his arms over his chest, “At least I’ve date some girls back then! We went all over Tokyo and took pictures!”

_O-oh._

So, Taka is really…quite _experienced_ in this field huh? Well, Alex-senpai had mentioned that before but hearing it straight from the vocalist’s full lips make Toru feels worse. He feels like he’s being stabbed by a million needles—which is _worse_ because he’s scared-shitless of those tiny, sharp objects, remember? He just wants to crawl under a rock and die.

“Then we went to _fucking_!” he said, grinning proudly at Toru—who’s looking quite sick and pale at the moment. _Holy shit_ that hurts like a million _katana_ speared right through his chest! _Maa, I’m not sure if that’s even possible but damn, it hurts like bitch!_

_I want to go home._

“Ah…” the vocalist—oblivious to the constipated look on the rhythm guitarist’s face—continued on babbling and sighing dreamily as if he’s reminiscing some _porn-worthy_ moments, “The sweet memories of the _first love_ ,” then he suddenly scowled—like the notorious bipolar he is—, “good thing she _dumped_ me. That bitch!”

Toru blinked.

_What the hell._

He really can’t tell if Taka is remembering happy moments or cursing the ever-loving shit out of his former _bleeergh_ girlfriend, but Toru is sure of one thing—he don’t like it when the vocalist is talking about another girl—heck, _another person_ —while they’re together. And he also knows that it’s irrational, immature as fuck—that he’s so close on threading the way on monopolizing their vocalist.

It’s not supposed to be like _this_.

But Taka is…Taka is pushing his limits, _mou!_

“Ugh, just by remembering her makes my head hurts!” he scoffed and even before Toru can finally ask who that girl is and how is he related to Taka’s previous career as a boy band member, the vocalist is already looking at him in challenge, “So, how about you, Toru-san? Where would you bring your date, huh? I bet you’ll just drag her to a ramen shop or some fishing camp, right? Right?!”

Wrong.

_I’ll bring **you** to my room, strip **you** naked and goes straight to the **fucking**. _

But he didn’t say that aloud. He just stared down at Taka with the most impassive face he can muster.

“ _Maa_ ,” he pursed his lips a she attempted to think of other things where the vocalist might enjoy hanging out, “How about in live houses? It’s nice in there, filled with people and music, right?”

Taka looked up at him in slight…admiration. His eyes were shining a bit brighter as he haughtily crossed his arms over his chest, “Well, that’s right. But what if she’s not into music like you? Wouldn’t it be like a fucking failure?”

But Taka is into music— _I think even more than I am_ — _like me_.

_You’re into music, right, Takahiro?_

“If you’re gonna say it like that, then isn’t it weird that she fell in love with me even if she’s not inclined into listening to our songs?” he smartly said, silently patting his shelf on the back for coming up with a plausible response, “I’m not really a sociable person so chances are, I’ll meet her in one of our lives, right?”

“…I hate it when you’re making a point, Toru-san. I really do,” Taka mumbled as they continued walking through the crowded street. Toru instantly walked beside the vocalist, his eyes roaming around the endless shops and shits found in the area. It is really crowded—filled with people of different backgrounds (and hair colors— _really, maybe I should try dyeing my hair red next time?_ )—which makes this place even loathing for Toru.

_I should’ve asked him to go to Disneyland._

"Enough about that," Toru said as he haughtily crossed his arms. He knows that this will bite him in the ass in the next few minutes but he could not just pass this chance to know more of Taka's ehrm...previous escapades, "how about you? Where would you bring your date if not in a live house huh?"

The vocalist _didn't even_ blinked before answering.

"To the hotel, naturally."

Toru's feet instantly went frigid at that as he suddenly stopped in the middle of the sidewalks—while Taka obliviously carried on walking—and stared at the back of the older teen. What the fuck?!

_You perverted little fucker—_

"Hah!" the vocalist glanced back at him, a huge, toothy grin plastered on his lips as he went back to the frozen guitarist, "look at your face, Toru-san! You look stupid!"

"Well, you look like a _hyperactive hentai_ ," he gritted out as he take a deep, deep, _deep_ breath to calm his shits. Joking or not, that revelation hits him too hard. He scowled, putting his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and casted a dirty look on the vocalist, "Seriously? To a hotel? Aren't you even ashamed of your choices?!"

"Eh, _maa_ ," Taka fiddled with the shopping bags on his hand, "We're rock band men so it's better to be plain and straight to the point, right?"

Toru could feel his patience and tolerance for this midget snap like a fucking stick. He wanted to say that no, you dipshit, that train of thought is not applicable in this case but Taka is still not done on hammering Toru's mind ( _and heart_ ) into pieces—

"So, I guess it's better to get things done and go home as fast as possible!" he then beamed while Toru's soul is quickly leaking away from his body. Goodbye soul. Ah, he had lived a good life.

_The hell?!_

"Get _things_ done, huh..." he slowly said through clenched teeth as they resumed walking again.

"Yup! That's how a date usually ends, right?" Taka merrily asked beside him, making Toru's scowl go even deeper—if that's even possible. He didn't answer because how on earth would he know? He's not some popular kid from celebrity parents with a string of girls following him around! He's just a simple Osaka-boy who came from a simple family, and despite popular belief that he’s enjoying mercilessly crushing every girl's heart in their school, he still hadn't dated _anyone_.

"How the fuck would I know?!" he could not help himself from muttering out loud.

"Right!" Taka laughed beside him, and for a moment, Toru really thought that the vocalist is actually making fun of his inexperience, but when the smaller teen suddenly stopped dead on his tracks, making Toru looked back at him with a confused, slightly pissed-off face. Taka's face looked utterly shocked and bewildered as his eyes stared at Toru like a fucking scanning machine, searching for any traces of ill-intentions and trickery.

"...Seriously?"

Toru glared at him. Sharp and _deadly_. Before huffing and continue walking aimlessly. He doesn't need the hentai vocalist to laugh at his situation, heck he doesn't even want to see or hear reaction. Toru just wants this disaster and pathetic attempt on trying to properly go out with Taka to end. This is horrible. He's miserable. And Taka thinks he's _pitiful_ as fuck. Great.

_Fucking great._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The setting is in Harajuku where Taka would meet someone in real life.  
> -Kiddy Land is really existing.  
> -Taka and Toru's answers on where they would bring their dates are all based from their answers in the Common Knowledge Quiz in Monster Rock back in 2013. That episode was hilarious as fuck.  
> -I don't know if Taka's first love is the same as the girl he was with when the rumors broke, leading to his dismissal.resignation from the Johnny's.
> 
> What do you think? I'm fumbling writing this part LOL. Thanks for reading~!
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I was laughing out loud when I read the latest rocksound article about OOR. I was screaming something like "He knows it! Taka knows about ONE OK POP, dammit!" then I went bawling in relief when he said that they'll make rock songs. For those who hasn't seen it, you can found the article here: https://www.rocksound.tv/features/read/one-ok-rocks-taka-moriuchi-talks-new-music-and-the-bands-dome-tour


	17. Please Please Stay Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taka is a dating-sensei.
> 
>  
> 
> "Troubles continue and repeat all the time every day.  
> I shed tears tonight crouched alone in my room"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this chapter from my phone coz I'm away lol so I apologize in advance for tge shitty formatting. Also lots of typos.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **ALSO: holyastronauts-san in instagram made an unofficial fansite for OOR~! It's cool! You can check it out here: www.oorers.com. Please drop by (or be a member) if you can! Thank you very much!**
> 
>  
> 
> **Note no.2:** Hello to everyone from Russia who's reading this fic, especially you **Reicchi-san** (https://ficbook.net/authors/266258) from ficbook.net. I have been informed that my works, and the other authors' works in ao3 has been translated to Russian (I don't know if you had asked them, but you certainly didn't asked MY permission to do so).
> 
> I have no qualms about it, really, because I also want more people to read my works but lady, please bear in mind that you are disregarding me, the AUTHOR, with your actions. We could talk about this, if you want but if you're not gonna make a move like any sane and decent translator would, then I'll ask you or someone who's in ficbook.net to take down all your translations of my work. **(I'm hoping that the admins could also read this stuff and actually act on it coz come on, isn't your job's to make sure that everyone is following your site rules? LOL)**
> 
> ALSO, the ONLY one who actually asked permission and was allowed to translate A Reason to Keep my Heart Beating was oiser-san **(Ghost2)** , so can you kindly TAKE DOWN YOUR version because you're disregarding all of her efforts and because I'M GRAVELY DISAPPOINTED WITH YOUR ACTIONS.
> 
> You can comment down here and I'll give you my IG account so we can talk. And I'll also appreciate if someone could give me updates and relay my message from and to ficbook.net coz my Russian is almost non-existent.
> 
> Thank you very much and I apologize for the long rant. I understand if some people would find me annoying and over-reacting for making a big deal out of this. Just leave your feedbacks below and I'll try to answer them.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> And so, on with the chapter~!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

_Well_...that was a surprise.  
_Really_.  
Taka pouted as he followed Toru-san as the guitarist weaved into the crowd like a fucking _pro_ and without even checking if Taka is still alive _and/or_ following his trail or something. Taka must have really hit a sore nerve when he laughed and suddenly looked... _flabbergasted_ earlier when Toru-san implied that he haven't went out with a girl _ever_.  
_I mean, he's Toru-san for fuck's sake_!  
Ryota had told him _countless_ of stories-- _now that I'm thinking of it, why's that kid even bothering to tell me what's happening in their school, it's not like I'm even interested in Toru-san's affairs anyway!_ \--on how the guitarist's locker was always practically _bursting_ with love letters and how they-- _they_ as in Ryota and the perverted pole a.k.a. Alex--would spy whenever some girl was confessing to his beloved Toru-nii.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"He would always say that--,"  
"For the love of _god_ , Ryota," Taka hissed as he put the shit-ton of clothes he had just finished folding into his closet. He don't have any idea on why the teen is hanging out in his unit today. He said that Alex is dating someone and that Toru-nii was being _harassed_ by their class preaident into cleaning stuffs so he just went here first to eat or something. Despite getting annoyed by the youngest sudden and unannounced appearance, Taka don't have the guts to shoo him away. So he let Ryota in. And gave him the pudding in his ref.  
_Huh_.  
Not a very _smart_ way to do but he wanted to shut the blabbering bassist up-which Ryota did while devouring the entire cup. But when it was gone, he started talking about his Toru-nii's experience with girls.  
"I really don't _care_ if Toru-san is dating and/or receiving confessions at least twice a week!" he said, sounding _totally affected and jealous_ , "so stop yapping about him and help me prepare dinner--,"  
"I'm not interested to the girl!" he continued, completely ignoring Taka's protest, "can you believe that? He said that with his usual cold and emotionless face! Every girl went running while crying after that!"  
_Maa_... Taka thought for a moment, his mind imagining the same bored-looking face of their leader as he blandly and simply said that he's not interested with a girl. Huh. That's _not so_ hard to believe. Toru-san had this... _how should I say this_ , mysterious aura surrounding him. Like _come closer and you're dead_ or something. But then again, those poor girls! He should've just said that he's seeing someone at the moment and gently reject them! No wonder everyone is afraid of him!

 

* * *

 

 

 

Now that Taka is remembering those things, he couldn't really recall an instance when Toru would excuse himself out of a rehearsal because of going out with a girl, not like a certain model someone-- _yes, I'm glaring at you, ay least in my mind, Alex-_ -who's constantly went vanishing because he's on a date with a new girl once every week!  
_Well, that's really weird huh_.  
Taka knows that he should really...feel _bad_ that their leader isn't seeing someone at the moment but _heck,_ what is this stupidly wide grin forming on his lips?! What is this mild _satisfaction_ bubbling from within his chest with the knowledge that their ever-attractive rhythm guitarist is actually a _newbie_ in the dating world?!  
And what's this...this _strange_ feeling and urge to suddenly just hop on Toru-san's back and cling to him like a _motherfucking_ koala as he teach the younger the art of dating someone?!  
...  
Okay, the last part is definitely... _slightly weird._ And _suicidal_ because Taka's sure that the guitarist would _violently_ toss his frame onto the sidewalks for trying to mount on his back. Huh. That will _surely_ hurt.  
So!  
Instead of attacking the guitarist's back like a clingy girlfriend, he just went beside him and looked up at the dead-serious face of Toru-san, while mentally telling himself that _crap he looks so pissed off, holy shit, don't be scared,don't be scared--_  
"S-so," _gah_! How he wished he didn't stutter like a pathetic, scared-shitless fool, "you haven't been in a date, huh, Toru-san?"  
Said Toru-san shot him a nasty, murderous glare that could even kill every cell within his body, "the fuck is your point?"  
_Oops, wrong choice of words_.  
"Well," he nervously licked his lips--unaware of the heavily lidded eyes following the movement of his tongue with a _hungry_ look--, "that's not so bad! Especially when I'm here to help you with that!" he declared as he practically sweat bullets at the intense and completely unfazed look the guitarist is shooting directly at him. But he must not waver! _Toru-san can't go like a fucking...ignorant fool for the days to come!_ So despite _slightly_ shaking in fear, his shit-eating grin remains plastered on his lips, "let me show to you the _art of dating_ , Toru-san!"  
"Fuck _no_ ," came the instant and almost repulsed response of the guitarist. Taka scowled at the immediate rejection.  
"But why?! Isn't this great? I'm teaching you for free so that you won't be _miserable_ on your next date!"  
Toru-san paused and hummed thoughtfully, "so you're saying that this is _indeed_ a date, huh..?"  
_What_.  
"Uhm _ahahahahaha_ ," Taka awkwardly chuckled as he scratched the back of his neck, what the hell, "...Sure. Let's consider this a date, Toru-san. Now, you'll let me introduce you to the wonderful world of being an acceptable date?"  
...  
The terrifying silence that followed was probably _ten times_ worse than he felt when he was bawling alone in his unit a few months ago. _Seriously, what's taking Toru-san too long?! Is that even so hard to formulate an answer?!_  
"Ugh, fine," thr guitarist finally relented-- _albeit begrudgingly, and he don't even tried to hide it, mou!_ "But if you're gonna make me do silly things, I'll leave!" he threatened.  
"Sure, sure," Taka nodded as he ducked to hide the full blown triumphant smile etched on his face as he pushed the guitarist forward, "come on, let's go! We don't have all day, Toru-san!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
"Can you _fucking_ at least smile?!" Taka's eye twitch in annoyance as he nudged his elbow on the taller teen's gut--earning a pained grunt from the guitarist.  
"Oof! The hell's that for?!"  
Their first stop is in a _purikura_ booth inside Omotesando. If Toru-san would land a date with a girl someday, she'll definitely want to have this guitarist's face _immortalized_ in small pictures with lots of bleegh hearts and sparkles decorated on it. _I mean, who wouldn't want to have a remembrance of their date with this annoyingly handsome young man?_  
Well, that's definitely _not_ Taka.  
So, here they are, squeezing themselves in the cramped booth while awkwardly trying to make Toru-san smile and look at the fucking camera while said Toru-san is very obviously intent on doing the exact _opposite_ of Taka's orders.  
"Why are we even doing this..." to emphasize his disgust over the place their currently stucked into, Toru-san even dramatically flail his hand--thus hitting it on the keypad in front of them with a resounding _thunk!_ And curses from the guitarist himself-- _heh, that's what you get from being a grumpy shit!-_ -towards the camera mounted across them, "This thing?! Isn't this for girls?!"  
" _Shhh_!" Taka hushed the taller teen, "do you want to get attacked by rabid highschool girls lurking outside?!"  
"What...?"  
"Shut the fuck up, Toru-san and just fucking pose so we could get the hell out of here as soon as possible," he muttered, grabbing the guitarist on his shoulders and forced him to look at the camera. He heard the younger teen grunted as their shoulders were practically squeezed together, but Taka didn't paid it any attention. Instead, he face the camera and widely grinned at it, muttering sideways that Toru-san should better do the same or _else_.  
The flash went out several times, almost blinding the two of them-- _gah, I totally forgot about this!_  
"That sucks," Toru-san muttered but leaned on the screen nonetheless to look at their pictures. As expected, they're awful as fuck because it's _painfully_ obvious that someone just dragged Toru-san and forced him into taking a photo by the look of pure defeat on his face. He's frowning, _glaring_ at the camera even, while Taka had this ear-to-ear grin spread across his face. It looks ridiculous especially when it's only Taka who's changing his pose for every shot while Toru-san remained glaring and with the exactly same position and expression all through out.  
" _We_ look like shit," Toru-san hummed beside him as Taka is busying himself on putting stickers on their photos.  
" _You_ look like shit," he corrected as he put cat ears and whiskers on both of their faces, some funny frames here and there before he leaned back in satisfaction and waited for the photos to be printed.  
"Was this even necessary?" the guitarist asked so Taka just hummed in response.  
"Of course it is," he answered and watched as the paper gradually came out of the printing slot, "Every girl would want this shit, trust me."  
_I learned from experience_ , he muttered to himself, as the bittersweet memories of his first love flooded his mind. He was in _too deep_ , back then, mistaking infatuation for real love and being driven by teenage hormones and shits. They have been here _together_ and took lots and lots of pictures--which some ended up on the tabloids for unknown reasons. It became his _ultimate_ downfall.  
_She_ became his ultimate downfall.  
_Love_ became his ultimate downfall and it hurts so much. Taka can feel his hands shaking and getting clammy just by remembering those days. He probably spent a few seconds staring at nothing that he didn't noticed that the pictures were already printed, and Toru-san was the one who caught it before it lands on the floor.  
"Taka?"  
He was jolted out of his depressive thoughts by the guitarist's low voice. He snapped and blinked, his eyes wandering on the set of pictures on the younger's hand--and that's when he realized that he had spaced out and totally _fucked up_ the moment because the leader is now looking at him with confusion and worry.  
"Are you alright? You're spacing out--,"  
" _Yes_! I'm fine!" he internally cringed at the high-pitched and obviously defensive voice that came out of his mouth. _Heck it probably freaked out Toru-san too, just look at his shell-shocked expressions_! "I'm just...remembering things," he explained before practically dashing out of the booth, "Come on, before the girls outside drag us out or something!"  
Taka breathed out a sigh of relief when he went out of that cramped space. Though the area is still well-crowded, it's a hundred times better than being suffocated with thoughts of his past. Add that and Toru-san's scrutinizing gaze and Taka would surely lose all of shits right there and then.  
To his relief, the guitarist emerged from the booth--earning surprised squeals from the girls waiting for their turns. Toru-san tightly smiled at them before weaving through the crowd towards Taka. He smiled and pulled the photos from the guitarist's hand because he'll definitely rip it with how tight he's clutching it.  
" _Mou_ , you're gonna ruin it, Toru-san!" he chastised but the guitarist just clenched his jaws as he watched Taka's face like a hawk, "You're supposed to treasure it or something--,"  
"You're _awfully_ familiar with how that shitty machine works," Toru-san noted making Taka flinched. What the fuck. Why is Toru-san suddenly saying those things--  
"Well, I've been in a date a few years ago so--"  
"Did you brought _her_ here?"  
_What_.  
Taka felt all of his blood went rushing up to his face at that single question. He froze, his wide, panicked gaze landing on their pairs of shoes as he desperately tries to think of ways on how to get out of this shit. _Wait, was Toru-san even referring to the girl I'm thinking he's referring to?! What if I'm just misunderstanding things?!_  
Gah! That would be so embarrassing!  
"W-who--,"  
"You're first love--,"  
_Gah_! How could he say that shitty corny thing out loud! Taka frantically looked around to make sure thay no one had heard that.  
"--The one you're talking about back then," Taka cringed at the suddenly harsh tone emanating from the guitarsit. _What's wrong?_ He slowly looked up. Flinching when he noticed that Toru-san, once again, is glaring at him.  
"What did I do now?!"  
The guitarist huffed before looking away, "Nothing. Let's just go...to the next one."  
_Nothing?!_  
_You're practically oozing with hostility, you dumb shit?!_  
But instead of getting into an argument with the sulking guitarist-- _why is he even having these...these mood swings?_  
One second he's looking at Taka as if he's the most imprtant person in his world, then the next, he's glaring at him as if had just personally offended his entire family line or something!  
_I mean, I know it's weird coming from a complete bipolar bastard like me but this is Toru-san we're talking about here! Hello, he's supposed the stable one in the band remember? He's the leader dammit!_  
So Taka just sulked and followed him nonetheless. For a moment, he really thought thay maybe, the guitarist is mad at him for not returning his jacket or something. He was really, _really_ close to sliding onto the floor and _grovel_ before the younger teen for forgiveness. But then, Toru-san-- _the ever perceptice, ever kind, and ever-forgiving Toru-san_ just glanced over his shoulder. He frowned when he noticed that Taka is somewhat getting left behind, so he stopped, and held out his hand to the vocalist.  
Taka dumbly stared at the offered hand is if he's looking at a severed heart or something. _Wow. Toru-san sure is getting cheeky these days huh?_ Was he expecting Taka to just accept the hand and walked around the shopping district while hoding each other's hand?!  
_Hell, yeah_!  
Taka almost but practically _dove_ for the hand and squeezed it, his relief showing on the bright smile on his face as he relished on the familar warmth of the guitarist's hand.  
Toru meekly smiled down at him before they contiune walking aimlessly.  
"T-this is also a way to be a good date, okay?" Taka went on explaining stuffs to hide the shit-eating grin he's currently sporting, "You should hold her hand while walking."  
He felt a bitter something in his mouth at the thought of the guitarist holding someone-- _some girl's hand_ \--while they walk, side by side, shoulders touching--like exactly what they're doing right now.  
_What the hell's with these thoughts?!_  
"For what? So that they won't fall on their faces or something?"  
Taka narrowed his eyes at the _implications_ of those words. He's sure that Toru-san is pertaining to the countless of times when Taka almost slide on his butt and fall face first on the snow-covered sidewalk during winter and he's sure that Toru-san is a really, really huge _jerk_ for bringing those up.  
"No, you dipshit! It's for romantic purposes!" he yelled, swinging their still-linked hands into the air for all the world to see. It's not like their opinions mattered anyway, so Taka doesn't fear the consequences, well, _at least not yet,_ "Isn't it nice walking while holding your beloved's hand?! Feeling their warmth, their presence, their entire being _connected_ with you..?" he dreamily said before snapping out of his thoughts when he noticed that the guitarist is eyeing him with these strange, slighlty amused stares.  
_What_..?  
Okay. Maybe the last part was really out of the context. And slighlty _suggestive_ too because how the fuck is holding hands related to being connected with your beloved?! That sounds _gross and perverted,_ holy shit!  
_I just hope that Toru-san won't make fun of it-_ -  
" _Connected_ , Taka?" he mentally groaned when a teasing smirk went its way on the guitarist's thin lips, " _seriously_?"  
"Oh. Fuck me!" he grunted as he playfully shoved the other teen away, which is really soft and weak and almost impossible because-- _hey, would you look at that--t_ heir hands are still locked as fuck. It's lame, seriously. And Toru-san's smirk is really getting on his nerves! It's making him have this urge to just wipe it off with _something_!  
_Preferably with a punch!_  
Or something else!  
"So, do you feel like _we're_ connected hmmm?" he asked, while Taka is starting to _hysterically_ pry those calloused hand away from his own-- _damn this gachapin asshole taking advantage of my kindness like this! Here I am going out of my way to help him and what did I get?! A fucking teasing spree! That jerk!-_ -and much to Taka's chagrin, the guitarist even leaned closer, so close that Taka can practically smell his manly cologne and the lingering scent of tobaccno clinging on his clothes--like how Toru-san was supposed to smell. He snapped his gaze upwards, only to meet those smoldering heavily-lidded gaze.  
For a moment, Taka felt his entire world stop spinning. Suddenly, there were _no noises,_ there were _no sounds,_ there were no one around them--no one _but_ Toru-san who's shamelessly barging into his personal space as if he fucking owned it.  
And for a moment, Taka really, _really_ thought that the guitarist would lean closer and closer and _kiss_ him.  
For a moment, Taka had hought that if that happened, it would'nt be _that_ bad.  
But hey, the universe has really this... _fascination_ on fucking up his life because while he's getting lost in his thoughts and dumbly staring up at him, Toru-san is grinning like the motherfucking douche he is before lowly whispering.  
"Can you feel _me_ , _Takahiro_?"  
...  
...  
...  
Then suddenly, Takahiro was screaming bloody murder and going all out _kung-fu_ on the guitarist's ass for...for doing that to him. He _definitely didn't_ shivered at the way that baritone dropped a few more octaves nor his cheeks blushed furiously but he's too humiliated, too shocked and too frustrated that he just went all defensive against their asshole of a leader.  
"Gah! You'll feel my fist connecting to your damn face, you shitty fuck!!!" he screamed before launching himself towards the now snickering guitarist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -purikura is the photo sticker booth which are notorious in Japan.  
> -I saw one old photo of Taka with a girl with stickers around them (I'll post the link in the next update coz my references were all in the office) so I assumed that they have indeed went to a purikura during their date (back when Taka is still in NEWS)
> 
>  
> 
> Hohohohoho Taka and Toru getting jealous is hilarious as fuck. Thanks for reading~!


	18. My Sweet Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complication comes in the name of Satoh Takeru.
> 
>  
> 
> "You’re the only one who tenderly embraces  
> This me who can’t be honest about how he feels"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I can update tomorrow, or in Friday so here's another one~! The last part of their date!  
> I've also stopped writing for DREAMERS since yesterday because I couldn't get a grip on the chronology of drafts, like I've already written the last chapter, then the draft for an event during their Quattro Tour, then a draft for the Alex incident--it was all jumbled up so I decided to take a break and write for the other fics instead-ehem How the Mighty Have Fallen/I'll Drag You All The Way To Hell ehem-
> 
> Anyways, I was laughing so hard at Taka's reaction on the power bank he got in Taiwan. Have you guys seen it? It was uploaded on Youtube (last night? today?) then it was deleted just this afternoon, Philippine Time. Good thing I've downloaded it first thing in the morning. I've posted it here: https://www.facebook.com/justice.san.5/videos/134833094012477/  
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
>  
> 
> **ALSO: holyastronauts-san in instagram made an unofficial fansite for OOR~! It's cool! And they have a TORUKA board! You can check it out here: www.oorers.com. Please drop by (or be a member) if you can! Thank you very much!**

They went to a cafe after that because, according to Taka, _girls_ like those kinds of establishments were they can take cute pictures with _shoujo bubbles_ and sparkling atmosphere around them. Toru wanted to say that, _well_ , he's _not_ a girl so he doesn't give a fuck anyways about pink stuffs and ambiance but he decided to keep that thought to himself because the vocalist had elbowed him— _again_ , _because his slaps and punches aren't really that strong—_ when he said that prefers going to a ramen shop.

"— _ack!_ " Toru groaned when the said elbow harshly landed on his stomach.

"Oops, _my bad_ ," Taka nonchalantly said before looking up at the menu again, "that's what you get for being a greedy little _shit_. Ramen house? Really? You're not supposed to bring her to some stuffy and steamy place on your first date, _mou!_ "

And so they stayed for around half an hour there, watching the other couples— _not that I'm saying that we're a couple ourselves_ —flirt and make out in the darkest corners of the cafe. Toru is pretty much sure that you're not supposed to go _sucking_ each other's faces when in public but he's still a beginner in this field so _who am I to judge?_

Anyways, it was almost dusk when they finally emerged back on the streets.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Ah!" Taka stretched his arms over his shoulders to straighten his muscles, "that was fun! We should _totally_ do this again, Toru-san!"

"Fuck _no_!"

He scowled at the instant response of the guitarist before looking back at the disgruntled teen. It was funny how _uncomfortable_ Toru-san looks during the while time they're inside the cafe. Well, the younger teen looks rogue and too wild to be kept inside a proper place— _not that I'm saying that he's supposed to be in some place for the wilds...like a zoo or something,_ it's just...it's not natural for him to stay put in place.

He's better when he's on a stage of the livehouse, walking across the platform as far as his cables would allow him, banging his head against the rhythm of his guitar. Toru-san looks _best and coolest_ like that, no matter how _hard_ it is to admit for Taka's manly pride.

_Damn good-looking Kansai-boy!_

"I'm not coming back to that cafe" Toru-san firmly nodded at his own decision, "it killed whatever manliness was left of me, _mou_!"

_Eh..._

Taka doesn't have any clue on what the hell their guitarist is talking about but he just nodded because Toru-san looked so determined and pained at that.

"Sure, whatever," he said, "Let's go home now okay?"

That made the younger teen snapped his stares at him, "Why? Are you satisfied with your day off just like that?"

_What do you mean just like that?!_

_And this is not just my day off! This is ours! Our date, remember?!_

But Taka didn't say that aloud because some kids would definitely yell something like _homos_ again at them and he really wouldn't want to cause any scene at the moment.

" _Maa_ ," he awkwardly scratched the side of his cheek in contemplation, "I guess that after spending a day loitering around here makes me missed doing songs and demos? I don't know, it's just... This isn't how I want to spend an entire day, you know?"

Even if he threw a huge tantrum earlier, he still love doing recordings and writing lyrics for the band. He just reached his limit yesterday, like any other human being, but now that he's properly rested and fed, he suddenly...felt quite _longing_ for his pen, for his papers, for his laptop and iPod, for his _microphone_.

Ganging out in Shibuya like a teenager sure is _nice._

Hanging out in Shibuya _with_ Toru-san is _pure bliss._

But what Taka wants the _most_ is too make songs and listen to the myriads of foreign songs—day and night—in his unit or in the studio, with Toru-san and the rest of the band. That was his ideal life, not this...this laid-back one.

So despite having a few more hours tonight, he wanna go home now. Like, _right now._

"Fine, fine, don't pull at my clothes!" Toru-san suddenly snapped and that's even Taka realized that he had _unconsciously_ dragged the guitarist through his clothes, "We're going home, _naa_?"

"My place?" he looked up at the guitarist, the ever understanding guitarist who probably knew whatever—everything—that's going right through his mind even without him saying it out loud.

"...do you have food?"

"I have instant noodles."

To his annoyance, the guitarist huffed at him— _what the fuck_ —, "Nah, I want some meat and potato stew for dinner."

...

...

Did...did Toru-san just demanded a meal from him? _He did, right?_

"You fucking demanding _son of a bitch_!" he gritted out, "How dare you?! If you want to eat meat and potato stew then do it yourself, _aho_!"

"Eh..."

Taka was really, _really_ _this_ close on throttling the teen but then someone suddenly spoke behind him—

" _Anooo_ —,"

_Gah!!!_

—making him jump behind the taller teen in fear and shock. _Huh_. It's really _weird_ that instead of running away, he merely _jump behind_ the guitarist as if he’s expecting Toru-san to protect and defend him or something.

Huh... _yabai._

_This is bad. Why am I putting my life on this jerk?! As if skinny bastard could actually defend my ass—no pun intended—against someone else?!_

Enough of that.

Taka took a look at the source of the voice earlier, only to see a...boy? Huh. _He's a boy right?_ A brunet, pretty-looking boy for that matter.

"Ah! We've _finally_ met!" the boy said, relief evident in his voice. _Wait, who's this pretty boy anyways?_

_Have we met before? He looks kinda familiar too..._

"Ah!" Taka flinched when Toru-san suddenly spoke, "Satoh-san, was it? How are you?"

_Eh?! They know each other?!_

What the hell?!

Taka looked between the two. This Satoh-san looks fidgety and _girly_ as fuck while Toru-san is grinning as if he just saw his long, lost best friend or something— _wait, don't tell me?!_

"Fine, fine, everything's fine in the dorm. I've talked with Ryota-kun a few times these days, he's always telling the rest of us how he missed you, you know?"

WHAT.

_He even knew Ryota?!_

Whoah, whoah, _whoah?!_

_Who is this chic-looking guy, huh?!_

"Ugh," the guitarist awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, "Damn that guy..."

...

Taka decided that he would just allow Toru-san to talk to this Satoh-san. They're clearly friends and he doesn't want to intrude or something. They're probably close as fuck but there are things that they still shouldn't interfere with.

And it stings like a _bitch._

Because Toru-san shouldn't have any friends that Taka _didn't know_ of! They should be mutual! So that he wouldn't be left to rot alone in the background like this, _mou_!

Whoah.

That sounds clingy and possessive like hell. Where these thoughts did even came from?!

Anyway, Taka decided that he should stop acting lame and scared and instead, take a good glimpse of thus...Satoh-san so he subtly inched forward, slowly taking a peek of the boy—

Only to meet those shining black orbs staring _directly_ at him.

 _Holy hell!_ He immediately pulled back and hid behind the guitarist again. Forget about acting like a total lameass. That boy is _scary!_ His gaze is so intense! _Have I done something to offend him or something?! But I can't even remember his face?!!_

"Ah! Finally," he heard him saying, making him slowly peek again like a kid on his first day in kindergarten, "I can finally meet you, Morita-san!"

Eh.

Taka froze at that. _He also know me??!_

Then the pretty looking boy suddenly turned into a _rabid_ fan as he practically _shoved_ Toru-san aside, making the guitarist stumbled in the sides with a lost, confused look on his face—

" _The fu—_ ,"

"Ah, _gomen_ , Yamashita-kun! I'm just too happy to meet Morita-san!" he said, Not sounding apologetic at all before he turned his intense, _burning_ gaze back at Taka. He shivered at that, and was about to run away because this guys is really giving him the creeps but Satoh-san suddenly grabbed his hand and leaned forward, barely missing Taka's head and head-butting him.

"I'm a big fan you know?! I’ve listened to your first demo! _Do you know a Christmas?!_ That made me hooked up with your voice!"

Toru-san must have muttered something like _"we're not just made of vocals though,"_ but it was conveniently ignored by the hyperventilating young man.

"I even saw you perform in the school festival! It was so cool and I got so addicted with your voice that i watched your gigs whenever I'm free!" he excitedly babbled on while still holding onto Taka's hand with a vice-like grip.

"Y-you don't saaay," Taka drawled before catching himself, "I mean thanks! That's very nice of you, uhm...?"

"Oh! That was rude of me!" the boy said before he reluctantly let go of taka's hand and stepped back to give him more space to breathe, "I'm Satoh Takeru by the way. It's nice to finally meet you, Morita-san!"

"Uhm, likewise," Taka nodded and offered a hand--which Satoh-san _more than eagerly_ accepted and shook—, "I'm glad that you like our songs. Thank you very much for that! But...uhn..." he looked at Toru-san who's busy staring at nothing, silently asking for an explanation or rescue or anything really, instead of just letting this hyperactive kid harass him with bright smiles and sparkling eyes.

Thankfully, Toru-san heeded on his silent request. He made his way towards the two of them again, "He also lives in the Amuse Dorm, and even asked for our autographs whenever we release a CD."

_Ohhhh..._

Taka glanced at the boy who's furiously nodding his head in the background, "So he's also a talent huh. That's why you look so good, eh, Satoh-san?"

Then Satoh-san suddenly burst into a _blushing_ _spree_.

And Toru-san, on the other hand, burst into a _violent coughing fit_.

_What's with those reactions..?_

Taka cluelessly watched and waited as the two fumbles like idiots and attempted to regain some sense of _dignity_ , especially Satoh-san who looks like his head is about to explode or something.

_Eh...did I said something wrong?_

"You can't just say those things so suddenly, _mou_!" Toru-san chastised him after he recovered from his coughing fit. _You really should stop smoking_ , Taka thought, _it's not doing any good for your health. Just take a look at that fit. You look like his intestines are crawling up your damn throat, dammit!_

"Eh?" Taka innocently tilted his head, totally and utterly clueless, making Satoh-san made a strangled sound somewhere across him, "But it's true! He's pretty don't you think so, Toru-san?"

This time, it’s the guitarist's chance to made a choking sound at the back of his throat. Well, Taka said that aloud but he's still somewhat inching behind the guitarist because damn, thus kid's still creeping him out.

"I-it's fine Yamashita-kun, and uh..." Satoh-san looked oddly at him when he noticed that Taka is hiding from him, "Why are you going behind him Morita-san? I’m not scaring you, right?"

_Hell yeah, you're creeping me out you weirdo!_

But Taka merely shook his head and clutched the guitarist's clothes tightly and attempt to make himself _less_...scared and lame.

"Not r-really," he winced as his voice decided to crack of all this time, "I'm just...really shy with strangers..."

...

...

Taka stared at Satoh-san with a blank look on his face while the boy just blinked back at them before they both looked up at Toru-san. _Toru-san is_...he suddenly made a weird, chortling, choked up noise and clamped a hand over his mouth to keep himself from seriously bursting out in laughter—and he even had to grab Taka's shoulder, like a stupid _snickering_ asshole while he desperately tried to keep himself from _fucking_ falling over.

Taka didn't say much at that because he's too _bewildered_ at their usually stoic and cold as rock leader who's now close to imploding or something.

" _S-shy?!_ " Toru-san asked through gritted teeth as his lips almost break from the huge grin on it, "You're shy?! _Hahahahaha_ that was the biggest joke _ahahahahaha_!!!'

...

There were _times_ when Taka wants to take Toru-san by the shoulders and give him a good shake. Or _knee_ him on the crotch to knock some shits into him.

_Today is one of those days._

But instead of actually giving a sly kick on their leader's balls, he just looked on the shell-shocked Satoh-san and bowed in apology.

"Please excuse, Toru-san. He's just a bit... _unstable_ these days--,"

"Hey!"

Satoh-san shook his head before chuckling, "No, no, it's alright. What's more surprising is that you're actually a shy person? I’ve always thought that you're out-going and easy to make friends because you're so energetic on stage!"

Oh. _Okay_

Taka should find it weird that this Satoh-san decided to _dote_ on Taka's personality instead of getting the creeps from a _sinister-sounding_ Toru-san who's still giggling in front of him—so Taka punched his back to _I don't know_ , make him shut up, or something—but no, his face decided to just blush like a fucking high school girl at the pretty man's compliments.

Or _words._

_What the fuck ever, really._

" _Maa_ ," he said, scratching the back of his head as he ducked in embarrassment, "When off the stage all of us are just normal, foolish teens you know?"

"Cool," Satoh-san glances at him before smiling again, "Well, you look like you're on a trip with Yamashita-san here and I don't want to keep you longer," he then bowed, "It's really nice meeting you, Morita-san, I hope that we can be friends someday..?"

Taka blinked before smiling at the other teen, "Sure, _sure_. And thanks for coming to our gigs!"

The teen nodded before walking away. Taka and Toru—who had finally stopped laughing his ass out—watched him until he went out of their sights. They fell into a comfortable silencne before Taka spoke again.

"Satoh-san sure is an _interesting_ guy, huh?"

Instead of immediately answering him Toru-san just stared down at him. Those heavily lidded eyes subtly glaring at his face— _eh, what did I do now?!_ —like he's thinking of something.

"Y-you wanna fight or what—,"

"Sure," the guitarist said with a faraway look on his eyes, like he's seeing something far _beyond the future_ that Taka could not, "He surely is."

_W-what's with that kind of answer?!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They went home after that weird meet up with the Amuse talent. Toru is not mad _per se_ but damn, it hurts when Taka said that Satoh-san is an interesting guy. Like, _hello_ , we've been together— _not together as in lovers, dammit_ —for years and he hadn't said that Toru is interesting, _not even once_. It squeezes his heart, so he just remained silent the entire time.

He knows that Taka is shooting him confused looks but he's not really in the mood to explain. Besides, how can he explain to Taka that he's hurting him every time that he's _looking at another person_? That he's hurting Toru whenever he spoke of _someone else_ , whenever he smiles for and at _someone else,_ whenever someone else makes him laugh or cry or happy?

_He'll definitely get weirded out!_

So Toru just went silent.

Well, until Taka suddenly stopped in front of a furniture shop. _What is it now?!_ Toru sighed in exasperation  as he stalked back to look on whatever Taka is gazing beyond the display glass.

"I thought we're going home?" he asked but Taka didn't answer him. Instead, he kept on looking beyond the glass for a moment before he nodded to himself and beamed up at him—making the damn muscle on his chest skipped a beat or two, _damn why is he smiling like that! Does he want to give me a heart attack or something?!_

"I'll buy you a sofa for your birthday, Toru-san!" he announced with a self-satisfied smile plastered on his face. Toru's jaws hanged wide open at that.

"Why."

"To sit on it, you moron!" the vocalist snapped before mumbling and looking back on the couch across them, "why else would you need a sofa for?!"

Toru can feel his patience slowly snapping at the foul language from Taka but he put that away and sighed, "I mean, why would you buy me a sofa?"

"It's a gift!"

"..."

"Besides, my ass is getting sore from sitting on your floor whenever I crash at your place so yeah!" he nodded again at himself, "I'm gonna buy you a sofa!"

"Damn rich _bocchan_..." Toru muttered before grabbing the vocalist's arm—Taka looking up at him in surprise, then smiled in content—and pulling him towards the sidewalk again, their fingers _automatically_ linking themselves together.

"I'm not a _bocchan_!"

" _Hai, hai_ , young master," Toru nodded, the bitterness and child his jealosu8 within his chest instantly dissipating away, "Whatever you say."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Home at laaaast!!!" Taka but screamed upon entering his unit, while Toru lazily followed behind, his mind busy on thinking of something.

_Like how to get Taka naked._

_Huuuuh._

_I thought I can wait?_ That my feelings can _wait_? But damn, even before Toru can think of his next words, his mouth was already moving, to say the dreaded words.

"You told me that every date ends up in _fucking_ ," he cringed when Taka stopped himself from pulling the sweater off his body. The vocalist stared at him with wide eyes, waiting for him to finish his sentence or just plainly shocked to the core because of Toru's words, "So, _how_ would this date end?"

...

...

_Oh god, Toru why are you so dumb you fucking shit! Now he's gonna think you're a mega-pervert!_

... _well, he's probably already thinking that I’m one but this is not the same!_

_Look at those eyes!_

_And that smirk forming on his lips, mou!_

"Oh- _hoh_ ," Taka stopped stripping his sweater and casually stalked towards him with a cat-like expression on his face, making Toru swallow and flustered as hell, "Toru-chan is now _actually_ asking for my teachings huh?"

He shivered at that.

"The _fuck_ is Toru-chan?!"

"That's nice, but you know," he halted his steps and leaned back on the wall as if he's a wise sage that'd about to break some wise words or something, pissing the shit out of Toru, "date doesn't always end in fucking like _rabbits_. Sometimes, the girl would just kiss the guy or tell him that she enjoyed the day and that she'll definitely want to do that again sometime..." he trailed off.

Toru blinked at that. _That simple huh?_

"So..." he gulped audibly, "did you…did you enjoy our...our free time today?" he nervously asked. Taka stared up at him, making it more intense and nerve-wracking especially when it took an eternity before Taka managed to respond in his usually cheeky manner.

"That goes without saying Toru-san," he said before doing the unexpected—he grabbed Toru's shoulder and stood on his toes before planting a soft, _chaste_ kiss on his cheek and sliding away like the _motherfucking_ tease he is.

_Wha—_

Toru's mouth hanged opened as he felt the skin where Taka/s lips touched burning. His brain short-circuited before his face exploded with a feverish blush.

"Earth to Toru-san? _Toru-san?!_ " Taka was waving a hand before his eyes but he's too far gone to even register it, "Holy shit you get a grip, you _virgin_ fuck! It's just a kiss! You ass, answer me! Hey are you _broken_ or something?! Toru-san?!"

_Ah..._

_I was a thousand years early of thinking on how to fuck Taka when I could not even handle a kiss on the cheek from him, huh..._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

That night, Taka stared at the picture they’ve taken in the _purikura_ booth. He was leaning back against his couch, the clothes he wore the entire day are still on him but he’s too physically and emotionally drained to even get changed before…staring at their sets of photos.

Photos _with_ Toru-san.

 _Together_ with Toru-san.

A small smile formed on his lips as he arched his head back on the backrest, raising the picture above his eyes.

In it, Taka is laughing—his mouth so wide that it shows every single white tooth he has and his eyes are looking straight to the camera. Toru-san, _though_ , is looking at him—even if their cheeks are already mashed up together and in awkward angle—his own thin lips parted in surprise and what looks like a little abhorrence because Taka just dragged him by the shoulder to lower him to his level— _damn tall pole_ —but his eyes, _oh his eyes_.

Those ever-bored looking eyes that can suck the soul out of your poor body just by looking at it was lit with something bright and happy and _contented_.

Taka’s smile widened, remembering how grumpy the guitarist acts and yet, he still look like a damn photogenic model in the print outs, before he sighed, letting the photos land on the couch beside his legs.

And that kiss earlier…

He thought that it would be fun to tease the younger about his lack of experience in almost everything but _damn_ , Taka’s heart won’t stop shaking and pounding in the few seconds he had to stand on the tip of his toes and bring his lips on that smooth cheek.

_It was super, super crazy!_

But it’s bliss. Definitely _blissful._

 _We definitely should do this again_ , Taka grinned as he closed his eyes—the idea of changing into his sleeping clothes and lying on his comfortable bed was pushed off as exhaustion swiftly claimed his consciousness. It was dark when he closed his eyes but the picture is _burned_ on the back of his eyelids, his lips tingling with a warm, fuzzy feeling—and they’re all he can think about until he finally goes to sleep.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“Hey,” Toru said the next day as he stood in front of the vocalist. They’re currently digging into their dump of demos, searching for their earlier arrangements to see if they can salvage a song or two for their album, “Lend me your phone.”

Taka looked up at him with an _extremely_ pissed off look.

“The _fuck_ , Toru-san?!” he snapped, but made a move to fish out his phone from the pockets of his pants anyway, “Who are _you_ to order me like that, huh?”

“I’m your _leader_ ,” he deadpanned as he accepted the phone from the fuming older teen, his ego bursting like a balloon when Taka doesn’t even hesitate to hand it over.

“This is _my_ house, you bastard!”

“Whatever,” he said as he flipped the phone open and launched the search engine. There’s a song that he had heard in his head but he couldn’t remember it’s title so he thought that it would be easier for him— _and his tired brain_ —to just search it over the net. But his phone is still charging— _yeah, I’m a freeloading asshole who uses Taka’s electricity, got any problem with that?_ —so he borrowed Taka’s instead. Good thing that the vocalist is in his slightly good mood, even if he’s scoffing and huffing to himself like a sulking brat.

_As if he’s gonna reject me in the first place._

But when the search engine finally loaded, Toru’s eyes widened as he saw what’s on the recently used page. It was a website for the recipe of meat and potato stew that he’s been asking Taka to make for him last night.

_I thought…he’s not gonna make it..?_

A small grin made its nasty way onto Toru’s lips as he faced away from the vocalist, his fingers punching keys to see Taka’s history. Of course there would be a shit-ton of erotic website so Toru focused on the more recent ones—the sites Taka had visited last night.

_Meat and potato stew._

_Delicious meat and potato stew._

_The best meat and potato stew._

_Ultimate meat and potato stew._

_Supreme meat and potato stew._

The last one made Toru burst giggling like a fucking lunatic, _oh god, this tsundere man!_

“ _Ahahahahaha!_!!” he cackled, a hand instantly slapping on his mouth to prevent more of his cheeky snickers from escaping, especially when Taka looked up from the CD’s on his lap, his brows knitted in confusion.

“What the—,” he started, his face blank as he watched Toru make a huge fool of himself, “Are you _high_ , Toru-san?!”

“N-no!” he choked before padding towards the bathroom, locking the floor and laughing soundlessly as the now familiar warm, fuzzy feeling flow through his entire system as he wonders how such small begrudging act from Taka can make him all giddy and so f _ucked up_ like this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Taka and Takeru meeting in Harajuku was legit. You can find it here: http://miyuki-fukuyoshi.blogspot.com/2014/10/takeru-taka-cross-talk-from-sato-takeru.html  
> -Takeru said that: "Taka was extremely modest at that time, you know. Since a mutual friend was there, we talked a little and I found him low-profile." I just used Toru-san as the mutual friend, since he and Takeru had already met back in Amuse Dorm (in this fic)  
> -Taka buying Toru a couch/sofa is...somewhat legit. It was mentioned during their Quattro Tour, when Toru turned 19. He said that Taka said that he'lly buy a couch for Toru. You can find it here: http://egasani.tumblr.com/post/57049346591/generous-yet-sadistic-taka-demanding-leader-and
> 
>  
> 
> As I promised last chapter, here's the link to the article I mentioned, where Taka is with the girl he's apparently dating back then: http://journey-s.net/2016/04/06/%E3%80%90%E5%85%83%E3%82%B8%E3%83%A3%E3%83%8B%E3%83%BC%E3%82%BA%E3%80%91one%25%E2%80%A6 **BUT** when I checked the site today, it was already removed. I saved the entire article back when I was still searching for references so I can make a screenshot of the photos. I uploaded it here: https://www.facebook.com/justice.san.5/posts/134831604012626  
> -The Meat and Potato Stew part was based on a tumblr post. You can find it here: http://akinojou-blog.tumblr.com/tagged/ONE+OK+ROCK/page/11 Just scroll down until you find the twitter post. I dunno if it's legit but it's funny so I decided to use it. Credits to the owner of the photo and the translator.
> 
> ALSO THIS IS NOT THE KISS WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR. Chill down XD. It will show up at about uh...chapter 21? 22? 23?
> 
> Please tell me what you think! Thank you for reading~!


	19. Koukai Yaku ni Tatazu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The POV of our resident TORUKA shipper.
> 
> "Behind the smile that you wore upon your lips  
> You were actually breaking down in tears, weren't you?  
> Even so, you still smiled for me  
> I'm truly sorry for causing you pain"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AO3 was down earlier! I low-key panicked LOL. Anyways, thank you **Julie-san** for sharing the link for Dreamers. You made me incredibly happy coz I thought there's only a handful of Filipino readers out there. 
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is more like composed of thoughts and personal opinions so please bear with it. I just...I couldn't find a better way to channel my emotions when I watched the Yahoo Live Talk. Shitty plot and shitty errors ahead.
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine, and will never be. 
> 
> Note 1: **holyastronauts-san in instagram made an unofficial fansite for OOR~! It's cool! And they have a TORUKA board! You can check it out here: www.oorers.com. Please drop by (or be a member) if you can! Thank you very much!**
> 
> Note 2: I'm having a massive writer's block about the aftermath of their first kiss (yes, I'm giving you spoilers, holy shit) because I don't know how Taka will react to it. What do you think? How do you think will Taka react? Please help me LOL. Please drop a suggestion if you have one. Maybe it'll clear up my head. Thank you so so much!

Today is the day of the Yahoo Live Talk interview, and as much as Alex wanted to wear some fancy suit _and/or_ fashionable clothes, the band settled for a _“less-explosive”_ style so as not to appear overwhelming or boastful.

So they went while wearing shirts. Thin, cotton shirts and pants and hat (for Mori-chan because he said that he wants to hide his porcupine hair or something). It was obviously an _abomination_ to all fashion rules but Toru—that annoying underclassman of his—goes with Taka’s suggestion and insisted his words to be obeyed because he’s the band leader.

_If I know that he’ll use his authority for these situations, then I wouldn’t have nominated him as the leader!_

Alex pouted in the background as he watched the crews fiddle with cables and lightings and cameras—all the shits that are necessary for the interview. Behind him, Tomoya and Ryota were silently bouncing on their feet like hyperactive yet _incredibly_ shy kids. They were talking, whispering and giggling like fucking lunatics as their wide eyes roam around the small, heavily-lit room.

_Ryota has been in TV’s years ago, right?_

Alex can vaguely remember a young Ryota in the Hana Yori Dango series where he acted as a bully to the leading actress. And Toru was in Shibuya 15…

So that means, this is the first time for Tomoya to experience the glitz and glamour of being in front of a camera and actually talk (because their PV’s were not considered as public appearance, _not at all_ ). It must be overwhelming…

He glanced at the drummer and inwardly grinned when he saw how Tomo’s jaws hung wide open. He looks like a fish! With long hair! And chubby cheeks!

_Poor kid!_

_A-anyway_ , Alex coughed on his fist to stop himself from just bursting into fits of laughter—I _don’t want that because Mori-chan would definitely eye me like I’ve just eaten a live dinosaur again_ —before he glanced at the two remaining members of the band.

Mori-chan looks…quite _natural_ standing there and talking to the crews. It’s like he _belongs_ there, like he knows what to do in front of the camera and what to say to the people around them. Despite being shy— _I don’t know why he’s acting like a pure maiden when he had already danced and sand in the national TV years and years ago_ —

_Now that I’m thinking of it, maybe I should show those old stuffs to Mori-chan one of these days?!_

_I bet he’ll throw a huge tantrum upon seeing his idol-face, mou!_

—he still has this… _this_ regal aura that will make you focus your attention to him. Like he’s oozing with charisma and stage presence. Huh. Or maybe it’s just because Mori-chan is wearing a bright sky blue shirt instead of, _I don’t know_ —Alex mentally shrugged—wearing something simpler, like _white_?

Back to the Idol-face business, _I wonder how Mori-chan managed to get all grumpy and snappy and bitchy_ —he even whispered that in his mind because the vocalist would murder his ass and _pluck out_ his eyeballs if he heard me calling/thinking of him as bitchy—like he is right now? He’s a boy band member back then, a member of Johnny’s Jimusho and yet, he left that for what?

Left or _kicked out?_

He has been itching to ask that to Mori-chan—or to Toru, but damn, that kid was _loyal as fuck—_ like a knight sworn to a princess—to the vocalist—to ask how he ended up singing for an unknown cover band in the dark live houses in Tokyo. How he managed to _look_ so different, _act_ s so different, _sings_ so different from what he used to be.

It’s like he’s a completely _different_ person.

But he couldn’t find the _balls_ to ask that aloud because Mori-chan would throw a hissy fit because of that. Besides, he’s not Toru. Mori-chan is _painfully_ obviously fond of their leader, no matter how much he loves denying it. He’ll make any exception for Toru—wordlessly cook meals, clean the other’s unit, and buy expensive stuffs for their leader—Mori-chan does all of those shits for the other guitarist, without batting an eye. Heck, Alex is so sure that the vocalist would _gladly, blindly, and obediently_ follow Toru even to the depths of hell if his kouhai wanted to.

He acts like a _feisty_ kitten but just one word from Toru and he’s all _submissive_ as fuck.

_No wonder he’ll end up at the bottom._

Alex raised a fist to cover the wide, wide grin that suddenly spread across his lips. Damn, _that will be a precious sight to see!_ Not that he’s into watching others having sex—lol, watching these _two dorks_ having sex—but just imagining Mori-chan—the ever bitchy and grumpy and moody Mori-chan who can cuss you to _Mars and back_ —on his back with Toru looming predatorily above him is enough to make Alex giggle like a lunatic.

“The fuck are you laughing at, you asshole?!”

Of course, Mori-chan had to notice his… _low-key_ snickering. Damn that perceptive midget who’s now giving him a full blown glare. Really, if looks could kill, Alex would just drop dead right there and then. Then Mori-chan would revive him just to murder him again with those killer eyes.

“N-nothing, _ahahahaha_ —,” he clamp his lips shut to prevent the manly giggles from pouring out and further aggravating their vocalist. Mori-chan looks unconvinced because he narrowed his usually wide eyes at him, so Alex had to raise his arms— _palms open_ —in defeat, “Look, I’m just thinking of… _things_ _ahahahaha_ …so don’t mind me. Just do whatever…the _fuck_ you’re doing, ne?”

“We’re about to be on line in a minute,” Mori-chan hissed, “Stop daydreaming, you pervert!”

“I’m not thinking of _perverted_ things!” he lowly insisted, making Mori-chan and Toru simultaneously roll their eyes like bitchy fucks who don’t believe his words, “ _Mou_!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

And so, the interview began.

But Alex’s mind is on somewhere else. Heck, he wanted to just vomit in annoyance because the two on his right won’t fucking act like mature men. They’re more like awkward teenagers fumbling with their growing feelings with each other.

_I mean, look at how Mori-chan shyly smiled when Toru is talking about him!_

_Oh my god!_ We’re supposed to be promoting our single, not you two acting like shy love birds!

_And for the love of god, don’t smile like Toru has been proposing to you, Mori-chan!_

Gah!

Alex would definitely _die_ because of the stupidity of these two. Seriously. He had seen it coming—as early as the _first time_ that Mori-chan showed up in the studio where they’re doing their rehearsals. Mori-chan arrived like a storm—panting and looking for Toru-san because apparently, their leader had invited him to watch the then nameless band practice. _Well, now that I’m thinking of it, I should smack Toru on the head for suddenly inviting Mori-chan without informing us!_

You should’ve seen the shocked look on their faces back then!

It’s as if like Toru suddenly announced that they will be having a new brother! And a scowling and cussing one like that!

Anyways, from that _magical_ moment—he had seen it—the way Toru’s eyes wide in shock, in disbelief, in relief and something akin with gratitude when the said Mori-chan shyly shuffled inside the studio, from the moment Toru instantly straightened his back and padded towards the newcomer, Alex had seen.

Alex had _known._

Toru had it _bad_ for the vocalist.

Since then he has been keeping tabs on the two—his amusement and curiosity as the bond between their leader and their vocalist grew deeper and deeper as days passed by. But then, it’s already years after they formed the band and still, judging on the recent incidents of Mori-chan flirting with girls in the live houses, they hadn’t probably _gotten laid_ with each other.

It’s fun at first, _really_ , to watch the two tread the dangerous line between friendship and romantic feelings. They’re like _bumbling_ idiots, dropping hints and showing affection for each other for the entire world to see, but in the end— _they don’t know it themselves_.

Mori-chan and Toru hasn’t realized that they’re already _deeply attracted_ to each other.

Well, in this case, Mori-chan is still unaware of his own feelings since Toru just had a painful, intimate rendezvous— _whoah, what a big word, I’m such a genius holy shit_ —with the harsh reality and implications of his feelings.

And it hurts…

It hurts to see their leader lurking in the shadows— _like the creep he is_ —watching with those wide, almost unblinking eyes as Taka talked and socialize with other people. It hurts to see their leader growl and scowl, again, in the darkest corners of the live houses, whenever Taka is casually throwing his arms over a fan, a friend, or an acquaintance. It hurts to see Toru averting his gaze whenever Mori-chan is dropping hints on how cute this girl is, or how he loves the sounds of high heels clicking on the floor, or how he adores long hair for girls.

It hurts to see their leader _hurting_ because he’s a rightful, selfless person who will do anything for the band—even if it costs his _happiness_. Even if he’s in pain every damn time because he couldn’t claim what he wants— _who_ he wants—for himself because the band is always, _always_ the priority.

Alex looks up at the man. He’s sure an idiot for being lovesick about their vocalist but when it comes to being the leader? Alex will _always bow down_ to Toru because even if he makes errors and wrong judgments, he stayed by it, and do not blame others for his faults. Even if he’s second to the youngest, Toru proves that he deserves to be the one leading them to their dreams.

So maybe…

Perhaps, Alex is thinking that he should really give the guy a break—from the pressure of being their leader, from the pressure of composing songs, from the pressure of everything else. Maybe Toru needs a time for himself to think of things…like, _I don’t know_ , confessing to Mori-chan because it’s painful to watch you two dancing like fools around each other you know?!

_Mou!_

_I bet Toru’s feeling really, really sexually frustrated right now. He had been holding back himself from ravaging Mori-chan for weeks, right? I’ll bet a ten thousand yen that Toru would fucking rip Mori-chan’s clothes during their first time fucking each other._

But before that, Alex must give them a short briefing about having sexual intercourse. Huh. Mori-chan would definitely attack him with his _microphone stand_ just by speaking about sex so maybe he’ll just do it on Toru, coz you know, that _gachapin_ is a lot better in holding civil conversation with people.

Civil conversation about having _gay sex._

_LOL._

Now that he’s thinking of it, he hasn’t really…thought of Toru as a _homo_. His looks _could kill_ and girls _would kill_ to date him, but where did Toru landed? Here, hunting for Taka’s _non-existent_ ass. He initially thought that Toru is some kind of asexual person—the type of people who doesn’t feel any sexual attraction to anyone of any gender, but hey, he’s falling for Mori-chan right now, right?

_Huh…so he’s a homo?_

Alex’s eyebrows furrowed together, trying to think of any circumstances where Toru showed any interest or dropped any hints on being attracted to a person of the same sex, but as expected, there’s none.

Huh...if he’s not asexual and not a homo but he’s attracted only to Mori-chan then…

Is he _Taka-sexual?_

…

…

Alex almost, _almost_ guffawed at that ridiculous thought. _Taka-sexual what the fuck! Ahahahahaha!!!_

But even before he can burst out laughing, he suddenly realized that it’s not a good idea especially when they’re currently in the middle of an interview. Well, Alex almost forgot that they’re in front of a camera because he’s _too busy_ analyzing Toru’s sexual preferences but he didn’t missed the times when Mori-chan meekly nods and smiles like a pure maiden while the leader takes charge of talking and talking.

Then the story of how Toru met Mori-chan was being told, with Toru speaking like he’s a mighty person commenting on how weird Mori-chan is for singing while looking down on the floor. _Gah_ , and Mori-chan is shyly averting his gaze and just nodding, running his fingers on his lips like a blushing high school girl, _what the fuck?!_

And Toru’s smug _little-smile_ when Mori-chan is rebuffing him, telling the whole world how pressuring their leader is, and how Toru wouldn’t take his eyes off him— _seriously, choose your words better! You’re making everyone curious and suspicious here, mou!_

But even before Alex can explode from the _sheer_ second-hand embarrassment he’s having for these two dorks _almost_ -flirting with each other on cam, Toru decided to drop the words that he will be _forever remembered for._

“ _Iyah, homo-janai_ ,” he said, gently shaking his head with a smile on his face— _oh if you didn’t just came running to me for advice, then you could’ve easily fooled me, you liar!_ —then he repeated it, twice, just to make sure, “. _.Homo-janai, homo-janai_.”

Alex is really, _really_ close on just strangling this fool. But he digressed because a good senpai doesn’t strangle their beloved _kouhai_ in front of the camera. He’ll do it once their alone, probably outside the room— _yes,_ yes, he’ll definitely do that.

_Shame on you, Toru! Shame on you!_

Then the interviewer said something that there’s definitely a love-love shit in the atmosphere, which Mori-chan confirmed without any second thought, making Toru rejects the idea—and Alex is so ready to die laughing because go interviewer-san! Make them realize their feelings for each other by dropping those words!

And then Toru suddenly said that Mori-chan is _adorable._

What the fuck.

Alex leaned towards his interlinked fingers with a damn, serious look on his face, especially when Mori-chan looked up because what the fuck is wrong with Toru casually agreeing that he looks adorable and shit!?

_Oh god!_

His eyes almost rolled at the back of his head at this ridiculous situation. He just hopes that the interview will all be over! Like, right now!

_I will die even before this interview ends!_

_Gah! Someone help me!_

 

                                                                                                                          

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I used the subbed-albeit-shorter version of the Yahoo Live Talk in 2007. I forgot where I've downloaded the clip but I uploaded it here: https://www.facebook.com/TORUKAisJUSTICE/videos/135892690573184/  
> The video and translations are not mine. All credits goes to the rightful owner. 
> 
> I love how Alex-senpai thinks. Seriously.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Any comments/suggestion will be appreciated~!


	20. KAIMU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to disaster a.k.a. the kiss.
> 
> "Where people are all talk and only concerned about themselves  
> If that's the case then no matter what is said  
> Nothing will ever change; let's stop these children's games"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like a flashback shit. The first part is in the present. Forgive me for my confusing story-telling shits.
> 
> Special thanks to the people who dropped their ideas! It was really enlightening! Also, how dare you Taka for having more feminine-looking hands than me?! I was laughing so hard when I watched the second preview for their concert documentary in Taiwan. For those who haven't watched it, you can find it here: https://www.facebook.com/TORUKAisJUSTICE/videos/141387243357062/
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Note: **holyastronauts-san in instagram made an unofficial fansite for OOR~! It's cool! And they have a TORUKA board! You can check it out here: www.oorers.com. Please drop by (or be a member) if you can! Thank you very much!**

Taka is pissed-off.

Toru was _sure_ of that, even if the vocalist himself is now already dozing to _lala_ -land. They have been drinking—well, Alex-senpai, Tomoya and Taka had been drinking alcohol since they’re  already _almost_ in the right age to drink. It wasn’t a big issue back then but Toru decided that he _really_ should remain sober throughout the night so that he can _make sure_ that Taka would end up _nice and warm_ _and comfy_ in his unit after their drinking session earlier. Ryota had done the same—remaining sane and sober, that is— but unlike Toru, the youngest doesn’t really have any choice but to sulk over his tall glass of orange juice.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“But I want to drink, Toru-nii!” he whined, pushing the glass of orange juice away from him with disgust written all over his face, “We’re here to celebrate, right?! So I should drink like everyone else!” he insisted.

“He’s right, Toru- _nii~_!” Alex-senpai grinned, leaning to their bassist with a drunken look on his flustered face, “Let the _kid_ drink!”

“I’m _not_ a kid anymore, _mou_!”

In the end, Toru didn’t budge. He’s not really in the mood to indulge his childhood friend. Besides, Taka is already gulping shots after shots, making the guitarist frown in worry. Taka is _obviously_ fuming…His eyebrows were knitted, as if he’s thinking of something aggravating, his lips turned down into a soft scowl as he stared at the myriads of foods and drinks on the low table. Toru wanted to ask him on what’s wrong, to ask him if he’s already done for the night, to ask him if he wants to go home now before he makes a complete fool of himself later, but in he decided against all of it and remained silent—his eyes glancing at their vocalist every now and then.

_Was it because of the incident earlier..?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They had just finished their live in Shibuya O’Crest for that night and Toru was just changing into more comfortable clothes—his black shirt was completely drenched in sweat so he decided to change before mingling with the fans that remained on the floor.

_Today has been great_ , he thought as he remembered Gocchan telling them that their second single landed on the 43rd spot in the Oricon ranking! Well, it certainly sells _less_ than Naihi Shinsho but it’s better in terms of ranking! It was also used for a television program, _Myupara Tokku_ was it? Whatever.

It felt good that they’re slowly— _even if it’s a huge pain in the ass_ —moving forwards and getting better. In fact, even before the release of their second single, they’ve already started on arranging the songs for their 3rd single!

Taka had found an old demo kept away along with lots of trash and tapes in his unit. He said that he dumped it in his storage box since it’s melodies were quite _heavy_ but now that he’s quite getting matured— _really, Taka_ —he’s starting to like it. Even if they don’t have any idea on who made that demo in the first place.

Alex-senpai is also obviously fired up in making demos—he’s already prepared two—a rather poppy one with upbeat riffs while the other is heavier, rougher and almost full of the raw sounds of instruments. The difference between the two demos is _too vast_ that Toru find it hard to believe that only one person composed it. It shows a sense composing songs of various types. Alex-senpai _really nailed it_ this time but Toru wouldn’t say that aloud because that would just inflate the ego of the lead guitarist like a fucking hot air balloon.

Besides, the night is so good that he don’t want to ruin it by having a bantering with the half-American. In fact, he just wants to drag everyone out of the live house so that they can eat and celebrate for a while before they go back to recording in the next few weeks.

_Maybe, I’ll have Taka pay half of the meals…He’s rich anyway…_

_S_ peaking of which, _where the hell is that vocalist?_ Toru grunted as he pulled down the sky blue shirt on his body. It wasn’t a great fit— _too tight_ —making him wonder if this is really his. He should revisit his wardrobe sometimes and throw everything else that isn’t black or white because this blue shirt is _gay as fuck._

_But you’re gay remember,_ his mind helpfully said, _gay for Takahiro._

Argh.

So he went searching for the vocalist—and the other members who just _magically_ vanished from the back stage right after they changed their clothes. Well, they could do what they want after every live but Taka should _better_ stray away from girls because—

Then he saw the said vocalist, wearing an awful camouflage long-sleeved shirt. His brown-dyed hair in a mess and are standing on their tips making him look like a heavily-disgruntled _brown parrot_. And _oh,_ let’s not forget the fact that Taka is currently talking to, not just one— _mind you_ —but three foreign looking girls.

_Three._

— _what the fuck?!_

Toru halted his steps, just a few meters away from the lounge where the four are animatedly conversing—a small crowd of Japanese fans surrounding them and sounded like translating whatever the foreign-girls are saying to Taka.

Toru wants _nothing but_ to stalk towards the small group and grab Taka’s arm to drag him away from the crowd but…but how could he, when Taka is chatting with a bright, wide smile on his _stupidly_ glowing face? He looks like he’s enjoying talking to those girls, asking them where they’re from, how long they’ve been listening to the band, how they like their songs, _blah blah blah yada yada._

And it _hurts_ …because he knows _how much_ Taka like girls, how much Taka likes to meet foreign fans and he’s practically hitting two birds with one stone tonight. It _hurts_ that Taka looks so natural there, leaning against the frames of the window, surrounded by _gushing and nervous_ girls—with a cheerful smile ready for everyone—while Toru is basically _hiding_ in the darkest corner of the lounge.

It’s not like he envies Taka for the attention he’s getting—hell, he’s the vocalist—the _front man_ so obviously, almost every eye will be focused on him so _no_ , Toru doesn’t mind it at all. What bothers him is that, how can he cope up when they get even more famous? When _more_ girls would follow Taka around, practically throwing themselves on the older teen’s lap, and to make everything worse, there’s this fact that Taka is a _huge gentleman_ —to girls because he’s _mean and moody_ as fuck when it comes to the same sex—so he’ll _surely allow_ it with a gracious smile on his face that will just spur those girls even more!

_Gah! That’s awful!_

So awful that Toru made a disgruntled sound just by thinking of it. _Jesus Christ_ , he groaned when images of an aged-Taka filled his mind. The vocalist is sitting on a throne-like chair with a pretty, dark blonde girl sitting on his lap while a trillion other girls were surrounding them. Taka looks so smug, so happy, so fucking perverted and fucked up that it makes Toru _sick._

_Ouch_ , he shivered involuntarily at that his wild imagination.

_Well, that image’s gonna haunt me for the rest of the week._ Good thing it’s Saturday already.

He needs a smoke, _dammit._ He’ll just go back to drag Taka out later, but just as he’s gonna turn around, he heard the distinct voice of their vocalist called out behind him.

“Oh, look!” he said in feigned surprise, that even without looking back, Toru can already imagine the shit-eating grin spreading across those full-lips, “There’s Toru-san! He’s gonna give you his autographs!”

And then there’s high-pitched girly screaming behind him, making him stalk back towards the bouncing crowd—all while staring directly at those amused almond-shaped eyes. Taka knows— _that midget is very aware of it_ —that Toru is not really comfortable in dealing with fans, but look what he had just done! He practically lured Toru in a trap!

_I’m gonna punch you so hard you’ll forget your name later, bastard!_

He glared at the vocalist who just shrugged and snicker like the _snickering asshole_ he is when Toru made his way. He looks _unperturbed_ , like he’s not scared of Toru’s sharp glares anymore. _Well, I should amend that. Later though._ When he’s not surrounded by smiling girls who are talking in foreign language.

Toru focused on smiling and having pictures with the girls that he had failed to notice that Taka had just practically left him there— _alone and dumb_ —in the middle of the crowd of girls who are flustered and nervously shaking his _equally_ nervous hands. But, even with the crowd of flesh-eating dinosaurs surrounding him, Toru _should have_ paid more attention, especially when some girls—Japanese ones—called out to Taka as Moriuchi Takahiro—even if he’s going by the name _Morita_ since they’ve started doing songs. He should’ve paid more attention when those girls lured Taka out of the live house.

He really _, really should have._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Damn that asshole, abandoning me like that!” Toru muttered as he fished out his cigarettes from his pocket. He’s dying to smoke a stick or two but he needs to go out in the alleys to do that, so here he is, trudging towards the back there which leads to the alley beside the live house while mentally cussing Takahiro to Mars and back.

He can’t believe that the prick left him there!

“I’ll really punch him _seriously_ this time!” he promised himself as he turned the knob of the metal door. He was about to pull it wide open when he heard a familiar— _awfully familiar_ —voice coming from the alley itself.

“I can’t believe that you just went here to say that _ahahahaha_ ,” Taka chuckled but it sounds so foreign to Toru’s ears as he halt all of his movements—the cigarette left unlit between his lips as he strained his ears to hear more.

Taka sounds _off_ …like he’s just forcing himself to talk with… _wait, who is he talking to?_

“We can’t believe that you really started a band!” came the girly voice and high-pitched giggles which made Toru’s eyes widened in disbelief because _I’m the one who founded this band, not Taka, dammit!_

…

Huh. That’s not _really i_ mportant right now. Fuck his defensive thoughts.

“What, are you done using your dad’s name to get you up in the ladder?”

_Whoah, wait, what ladder—_

“You’ve made your way in NEWS like that, right? There were so many guys better than you! Better in skills and face and yet you’re the one who almost made a debut with them? Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Yeah!” another one agreed which means that Taka is being bullied and bad-mouthed by more than one girl— _wow, what a wonderful deduction! Really Toru, even the fucking brick wall knows that!—,_ “Aren’t you ashamed of that?”

“Well…” Taka started, his voice meek and low, “Actually I’m not in NEWS anym—,”

“You’re ugly!”

“And you sing weird!”

“And you’re just riding the tail coats of your parents!”

_Shit fuck!_ Toru was startled at the sheer intensity of the things that went flying out of those girls’ mouth. Maybe he should just…reveal himself instead of eavesdropping like a creep in here? But Taka will surely slap him for listening to his conversations but… _but…_

Toru had actually expected the vocalist to retaliate and scream profanities at the girls because that’s what exactly Toru would do in this situation. He knows Taka, he doesn’t want to get compared—heck, he even hated to be _affiliated_ with his parents’ name—so he knows, he’s _sure_ that the older teen would just snap like a fucking twig and defend himself so—

_So_ imagine his surprise when instead of spouting harsh words, Taka just chuckled— _albeit in a forced one_ —at the girls, even throwing his head back and clutching his stomach as his frame is being racked by fits of laughter.

_The fu—_

“Tell me something _new_ , ladies,” he said, making Toru’s eyebrows furrowed in _confusion_ —because why is Taka not defending himself; _in anger_ —because Taka had every rights to tell them that they’re wrong; and _in worry_ —because the vocalist is not usually like _this…_

This pliant, meek, and silent person standing firm on his ground against those girls.

_Who are you?_

“I’ve heard all of that _years and years_ ago. Don’t you have something new to tell me?” he snorted, “This is getting ridiculous!”

Toru doesn’t know what to feel on that. His heart clenched painfully within his chest as he recalled every painful words that came out of the vocalist’s mouth.

He heard all of that..?

That means Taka had been at the receiving end of those _insults_ …of those _bashings_ …even before they’ve met? That means Taka has been enduring those words for _years n_ ow? That means Taka has been hurting for years… _alone and miserable_ and yet…and _yet…_

Had he cried to himself? Had he yearned for comfort and assurance from his parents, only to realize that they’re not even interested in the first place? Had he longed for help from them, but instead got a lot of pressure to keep his career going, to keep his _life_ going, even if Taka knows that _everything_ is falling apart around him?

“I bet your dad handed your band on a silver platter, right?” the girls—which Toru hates even more as seconds ticked by and as words keep on spilling from their wretched mouths, “Like what they did on your spot in NEWS!”

“ _Da-ka-ra_ —,” Toru must commend Taka for trying to calmly respond to those girls. If he was in the vocalist’s shoes, he would simply flipped them off with a dirty finger and rush back inside the live house where it’s safe from these kinds of people.

“You’re other guitarist sucks,” one girl said, enunciating every word spoken with so much intensity that Toru had to swallow and…stop himself from revealing his location. _Wow, did the girl just said that he sucks? Whoah._

“You don’t even need _another_ guitarist,” another one said, “He’s not that great, can only play the basics. Why would you _even_ want him—,”

“Oh you fucking shitty _bitch_!”

Toru jumped in shock when Taka’s loud voice bounced along the closed walls of the alley. What happened to being the _calm and patient and a perfect gentleman_?! Toru peeked to the door, and when he saw that Taka is actually stalking towards the girls with a murderous look on his face, he instantly went out of his hiding place and was about to yell for him—

Taka grabbed the girl’s collar and lifted her off to her toes before glaring at her, “You can say whatever you want to tell me, but don’t fucking— _and I mean, ever_ —dare to talk shit about _my_ guitarist!”

Toru froze, eyes wide and heart madly beating against his chest upon hearing those _intense, sincere_ words that Taka had practically gritted out.

_My guitarist._

And then, a warm, _fuzzy_ feeling came rushing throughout Toru’s system. It’s _sweet_ and _heady_ and d _izzying_ all at the same time, making those damn butterflies flutter in his stomach again. He can feel his cheeks heating up in an alarming rate as he recalled Taka’s words— _my guitarist_ —over and over again.

_My guitarist._

And then, just as he’s enjoying the buzzing feeling created by those simple words, he suddenly realized something— _something_ that sliced deep through Toru’s heart. Taka—their _ever-vocal_ vocalist who would snap at you for almost _everything_ —had accepted all the _rants_ , all the _hateful_ , accusing words earlier— _silently, calmly_ , and without any attempt to defend whatever what left of his dignity. He remained quiet through the barrage of stupid words about his past, but when the girl suddenly said something bad about Toru— _all hell broke loose._

It’s like a dam being opened—allowing the millions of liters of water to flood down—like Taka's emotions. He flipped out and is now looking near on strangling the girl just because she said shit about Toru being a lousy guitarist.

And it _hurts._

It hurts because Taka had been so _kind_ , so _patient_ , and so _accommodating_ even to the people who talked shit about himself. It hurts because Taka reacted and fussed _more_ when it comes to his friends—when it comes to— _dare I hope_ —Toru. It hurts because he’s willing to be this…this bitchy, violent, and screaming man he is right now for the sake of _defending Toru’s pathetic self_ in front of these people.

_When are you gonna stop doing that, Taka?_

When would you start on doing things for _yourself?_

When would you stop thinking for everyone else’s happiness before putting _yours_ first?

_When?_

“L-let go of me, you jerk!”

“Don’t touch her!” said the other girls who’s now surrounding Taka and trying to pry of his hands from their friend, but the vocalist didn’t budge. He remained there, _growling_ and giving the girl a hell of trauma because of the scary face he’s making.

“You don’t know all the _things_ he’d done for this band, and even if he’s not the _best_ , you still don’t have _any right_ to say that to him, you _bit_ —,”

And then, Toru couldn’t take it anymore. He closed the distance between him and the commotion that’s starting to brew with quick, long strides.

“Taka!”

Said vocalist immediately snapped his head towards the guitarist’s direction—making Toru cringed at those nasty squinted eyes glaring at him in full force—before he realized that Toru was indeed there, looking at him with stern eyes.

Taka’s eyes widened the size of the universe as he hastily let go of the girl who went spluttering and coughing like an asthmatic cat— _if that thing is even existing._

“T-toru-san?!” he gasped, eyes darting everywhere—glaring at the girls when his gaze landed on them—and his face flustered with shame of being discovered, “I-it’s _not_ what you think! I—I’m not bullying—,”

“You totally are!” the girls pointed their perfectly polished fingers at Taka who flushed even more with indignation.

“Shut the fuck up!” he hissed before turning towards the guitarist again, “I don’t really—,”

“ _Takahiro_ ,” Toru muttered as he addressed the girls with scathing gaze. They instantly lowered their gazes—probably guilty of saying shits about his guitar-playing skills just a few minutes ago—

“ _H-hai_ , Toru-san?”

“ _Shut the fuck up_ ,” he said before turning to the girls, “And you, if you’re done bitching out on our vocalist, why won’t you just _kindly_ scram off?” he asked, making Taka gulped audibly beside her. The girls’ heavily-made up eyes  went wide before they huffed and practically ran towards the other end of the alley, their hair swishing back and forth with every steps they took, but not without looking back and screaming something like:

“You’re all gonna fall down, jerks!”

_Uh-huh._

Toru ignored it—and the urge eating at him to just go after them and teach them a lesson or two on the proper way to talk with the band you just watched performing an hour ago. But there are more pressing matters to attend to, _specifically_ , there’s the meek and slightly shaking Takahiro to attend to.

 

                                                     

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Taka kept his gaze down on his converse shoes. His fingers are nervously playing with the sleeves of his camouflage shirt, his frame shaking at the intensity of Toru-san’s gaze that’s practically boring a hole right through him. He can’t stand that look of…of _confusion_ and _disappointment_ from their rhythm guitarist, so he remained looking down—like what he’s been doing the very first time they’ve met months and months ago.

Of all the times, Toru-san decided to barge during his…fight with those girls. Well, he doesn’t really care of the guitarist would see him beating the shit out of those bitches but what scares him the most is that…

_Did he heard all of those stuffs I yelled earlier?_

Did he heard Taka losing all his calm and shits just because those girls chose to bad-mouth their rhythm guitarist?

_I wish he didn’t._

_Because that would the end of me, dammit!_

It’s really, _really_ embarrassing to act like that. He doesn’t _usually_ lose his cold calmness whenever someone is talking shit about him and his parents—attributing all his achievements to the famous _Mori_ name and reliving the _reason_ of his downfall from the entertainment industry years ago—so he doesn’t really know what came to him earlier when a girl suddenly went babbling about Toru-san.

_How dare she?_

_How dare you tell that Toru-san is not needed_ —that his guitar skills is not needed—when he was actually the one who _started_ this band, the one who _kept this band alive and moving and getting better_ —when Toru-san is actually the one who’s most _sincerely devoted_ to ONE OK ROCK?

_How dare you?_

And it pissed Taka off because there’s this girl saying things she doesn’t have a clue about and before he realized what he’s doing—his vision went _red_ with rage, his blood sizzling within his veins to make her retract those silly words,  as he latched on her, making her want to understand with that small, _silly_ brain of hers that Toru-san is needed for this band to be _alive._

And it _scared_ him because Takahiro never loses his shit about friends. He never tried defending one because almost every time, he’s on the _receiving end_ of those harsh words. But Toru-san is different— _the kind, forgiving, gentle, stern, and optimistic Toru-san_ who would probably never say a word in his defense. So Taka went _batshit violent_ to defend him, say all the things that their leader won’t even dream of saying.

Sure he’s not the greatest guitarist in this area of Tokyo but you could’ve at least be confident with your skills, _mou!_ It’s _alright_ to get pissed at those people who doesn’t see—who doesn’t know all the _hard works_ you’ve done, all the _all-nighters_ you’ve pulled, all the _callouse_ s you got in practicing and practicing and _practicing_ in playing your guitar, _mou!_

“Well, that went easier than I thought…” he heard Toru-san mumbled beside him, but he still refused to look up—in fear that he will ask him the details of this fiasco. It’s not like w\he wanted to hide secrets from the guitarist but some things—heck, the fact that Taka is willing to get his ass jailed for “assault” and violence against women for Toru-san’s _honor_ —should never be talked about for, like, _ever._

_Forever and ever._

“Are you alright, Taka?”

“… _mmm_ yeah…” he whispered.

“They didn’t claw you or scratched you anywhere?”

Taka wanted to roll his eyes at that. Here comes _motherly Toru-san_ again, thinking of others before himself.

“I’m fine,” he doesn’t mean to sounds snappy but he’s not really in the mood to chit-chat today, in the middle of a dark alley, “No need to fuss over me…anyway, how long have you been here?” he asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

Toru-san didn’t immediately answer. Instead, he made a strangled sound at the back of his throat, making Taka looked up at him in confusion.

“Well,” Toru-san glared at the wall across him, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck, “I just got here the moment you’re about to throttle the girl.”

“So, you haven’t heard _anything…_?”

The leader’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets at that question before he obviously struggle to remain calm and still looking cool as fuck, “Nothing,” he said, “Well, should I have heard it?”

Taka narrowed his eyes at the suspicious actions of their guitarist. Toru-san looks guilty as fuck. No, _no._ He looked more like a kid that had done something very bad, _so evil,_ that he was hoping that his mommy wouldn’t find about it by acting like an adorable _son of a bitch_.

_Suspicious, Toru-san._ Very suspicious.

But since he’s not in the mood to have another argument, he just let it be. Besides, Toru-san is not saying anything about, not asking any question about it so Taka should just be grateful because the guitarist is obviously respecting his privacy right?

_Wrong._

_He just eavesdropped, remember?_

_Eh,_ he retorted to his sassy mind, _what do you want me to do? Bitch him out for that? Pffft! I’m too spent to even raise my voice, dammit!_

So he just meekly nodded, earning a breathe of relief from the taller teen, “Nothing… _Just forget it…”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The live in Shibuya O'Crest is legit. Taka and Toru's appearance on this chapter is based from this article. The foreign girls I mentioned was the author of the blog post in the old livejournal site for oor fans. You can find it here: https://shigeness.livejournal.com/149988.html
> 
> -I was searching for old Japanese forums last month and I was shocked to see posts about Toru-san not being a good guitarist. Well, I don't have any knowledge about music stuffs so maybe they are right? I was just so frustrated that I included that part here. 
> 
> -All the stuffs the girls said to Taka were also taken from what I've read in forums. 
> 
> -The stuffs about their second single, Yume Yume, were all legit, as taken from it's wikia page. You can find it here: http://oneokrock.wikia.com/wiki/Yume_Yume_(single)
> 
>  
> 
> Ah...it's only in their second single and it's already more than fifty thousand words. I thought that Dreamers would be shorter than Reason but, yeah, shit happens.
> 
> Anyways, thank you for always reading! Feel free to make a comment/criticism/suggestion!


	21. All Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takahiro-senpai.
> 
> "I’m so down and out  
> ’Cause something is wrong without you  
> When you’re not around  
> Just shadows and rain fall  
> Wait ’til tomorrow  
> Can’t wait"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah...this became longer than expected. 
> 
> Also, thanks for the people who greeted me for my birthday, especially those in different time zones! I really, really appreciates it~!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Note: **holyastronauts-san in instagram made an unofficial fansite for OOR~! It's cool! And they have a TORUKA board! You can check it out here: www.oorers.com. Please drop by (or be a member) if you can! Thank you very much!**

That's what brought them to their current _predicament_ —Toru huffing as he struggled to balance the heavy, limp body on his back, growling on the fact that the vocalist chose to live in the second floor and the fact that he's _in too deep_ of this attraction thingy that he ended up walking— _or carrying, more accurately_ —Takahiro home.

Taka was totally _smashed_ after chugging drinks after drinks, cracking jokes and singing out of the tune the whole time they were celebrating earlier. No one noticed that behind those wide smiles and flustered cheeks and loud, gleeful laughs, Taka is slowly breaking down _inside_. No one noticed how the vocalist would slump down, whenever he _thought_ that no one is looking— _except_ for Toru because he's _always_ looking, _always_ watching, no matter how _creepy_ that sounds. Taka would blankly stare at the foods served on the table, quietly sipping on his beer like how a child would on his warm milk before bedtime. He looks totally _adorable_ looking meek and flushed like that but despite that, Toru can't feel any _warm_ , any _familiar_ desire rushing through his veins because he knows that somehow, the vocalist is still hurting from the fiasco earlier. So he just let it be.

 _Look where my graciousness led me_ , he huffed, as he maneuvered Taka's hands on his shoulders. The vocalist whined directly behind his ears, a low guttural sound coming from the back of his throat as he attempt to tighten his hold onto Toru's shoulders.

"Don't..." he mumbled, his lips breathing out warm, moist air onto Toru's neck—making him shiver at the contact—, "Don't fucking move around, _'ya_ asshole! I'm getting dizzy, jerk!"

"That's what you get for getting yourself smashed, _moron_!" he gritted out as he finally took the last step onto the floor where Taka's unit is on. _Thank fucking god we made it alive!_

"It's fun!" Taka giggled behind him, " _Ya_ should do it too, ‘ _ya_ know? Drinking makes your head clouded and forget all the things people say~!"

_Huh._

"Since _when_ did you start drinking to drown out all those problems, huh?" he asked, before silently berating himself because he's already perfectly aware that talking to a deeply inebriated person like Taka is not really a good idea but look what he just did. _Genius, Toru. You're such a fucking genius, I swear._

"Mmm...I've been drinking _all_ my life!" Taka beamed like a child bragging his achievements to his parents. Toru wanted to say that _no, that's clearly a bullshit_ , but he decide to focus on more important things like fishing his keys—with one hand since the other is still supporting the vocalist's ass behind him. God _knows_ how he wants to run his fingers on that jean-cladded softness but there's a _right time and a right place_ for everything and molesting a drunken Takahiro in the middle of the corridor for all the world to see is obviously _not_ the right time and place, so he digressed. And struggled on multi-tasking.

"Is like fun in Shibuya and with my girlfriend!"

_Oh shit._

He almost, _almost_ dropped the vocalist on the cold, floor when he heard that world. Girlfriend. Right, Takahiro had a girlfriend back then. That... _hurts. Jesus, where's the damn key so I can finally dump this bastard on his bed so that I can leave and have a miserable night alone in my unit?!_

"Can you..." he groaned, "Can you move down, Taka? You're really heavy and I can't get my keys while carrying you so—,"

"Am I _burden_?" came the suddenly hushed voice behind him. You should've seen how crazy fast Toru's head swiveled to his side to look at the vocalist in shock—it's like those in exorcism films! Just without the 180-degree turn and sound of cracking bones and skin! And probably just to torment Toru's soul and conscience, Taka even repeated that soft question with wide, glassy and totally unfocused eyes staring directly at the guitarist’s exasperated ones, "Am I burden, Toru-san..?"

_Oh no, you little shit!_

_Don't you dare to use that on me! T-that...glassy eyes and pouting lips and low, close to drying voice you filthy bastard—!_

"N-no," Toru inwardly groaned at his weakness before he resumed searching his pockets— _how many pockets did this jeans even have?!_ —with the vocalist still clinging on his back, "You’re not. Just...just hold on tight or you're gonna fall off, _‘kay_?"

He didn’t look back, he _can't_ because he knew that he'll just be blinded by the warm, satisfied grin that definitely formed on the older's face. Besides, the soft sounds of satisfaction and giddiness coming from that lips is enough to deduct that Taka is _happy_ that he's not being a burden to the guitarist.

Oh, and it's also enough to get a _reaction_ from Toru's body.

 _Lower body_ , to be exact.

"I'll help!" and then, much to Toru's horror, Taka's legs swung forward to wrap themselves on his midsection, making him stumble like a drunken fool and make him realize that there’s something half-hard poking on his lower back inconspicuously.

_Uhm..._

Toru’s hands shook as he finally fished out the keys from the deepest recesses of his pockets and inserted it. His palms are sweating like crazy and for a moment, he actually thought that the key would just...slip off his hand because of that.

_I don't wanna assume but..._

But even before he can ask Taka if it's _indeed_ his boner that's being sandwiched between their bodies, Taka had beaten him into speaking again.

"I was really _drunk_ back then," he heard, no, felt Taka sighed behind him as those nimble fingers clutched on the fabric of Toru's hideous blue shirt. He's suddenly hyperaware of their position, the hands loosely hanging on his shoulders, the warm chest on his back, and the short legs struggling to wrap themselves on his body. He can feel the familiar heat pooling down his groin as he tried to maintain their balance, pushing the door open and venturing into the dark unit of the vocalist.

"...back then?" he finally managed to said, after realizing that Taka is probably waiting for some sort of response from him as a sign to continue...saying whatever he wanted to say.

" _Mmmh_ ," Taka nodded behind him, his cheeks and hair rubbing against Toru's nape as he locked the door, "When the picture was taken. You know that right? The...the _other_ reason why I left NEWS?"

Toru froze at that... _so Alex-senpai is not feeding me bullshits all along_ , he thought, there really was another reason why Taka had left the _Jimusho_...and consequently, the entertainment world back then...

That piqued Toru's interest. He wants to know, wants to know more about Taka, but before that...

"Can you get off now, Taka?' he softly asked earning a loud whine from the vocalist dangling without him. He love seeing Taka like this, but his back and shoulders would fucking collapse of the not-so lightweight older teen would keep on clinging like this for any longer.

"Nooo!"

Even without glancing at his face, Toru knows that a huge pout currently adorning those full lips, "But you're heavy--,"

"Here is warm!" Taka said, without making any sense at all. He might as well resort to speaking in caveman’s language for butchering the Japanese language that bad, "and you're gonna leave me if I let you go like they...t-they—,"

_Oh shit!_

Toru didn't see that coming! He should’ve known that a drunken Taka is a vulnerable Taka who can laugh like a gleeful child one moment, and messily cries like a bullied kid the next one. Like what's happening right now.

He slightly panicked and dashed towards the living area, kneeling in front of the long couch so that Taka could sit on it, and let Toru's shoulders and back rest for a bit. But instead of letting him go like any _sane_ citizen would do, the vocalist just did the _opposite_ and clung even tighter to him—as if he's genuinely scared that Toru would just... _I don't know..._ burst like a bubble and vanish just like that.

"Taka, _Takahiro._.." he patiently drawled, his now free hands rising to pry the limbs entangled on his neck. He can hear the vocalist sniffling beside him and he just hope that Taka won't get snot on his shirt or else, he'll burn down his entire wardrobe. This shirt might be ugly as fuck but it's still his, and Toru took good care of his properties, "Let go, ne? I won't leave...didn't I already promised you that?" he asked in the softest, gentlest tone he can muster.

He thought that he should approach Taka with open hands and negotiating words, like how he would approach a _wounded and scared_ kitten because Taka sound so vulnerable right now. And even if he's having this twisted urge to just take advantage of the vocalist's weakness—shove him down the couch and straddle him and kiss those lips that were doing wonders on his neck and jawline earlier and make him moan and—right. Even if he's having this desire to _ravage_ Taka right there and then, he still wants the vocalist to stop crying and calm the fuck down before this seemingly innocent anxiety becomes a full blown panic attack.

More sniffling and tighter clutch on his clothes.

"Come on, calm down. I’ll sit next to you, ne? Just...just let me go—,"

"Don't wanna!"

_Oh for the love of god—_

"Taka!" he sternly said, making the vocalist instantly stop sniveling behind him. Wow, so much for the “ _I-should-approach-him-like-I'm-approaching-a-wounded-scared-kitten.”_

"Fine, fine, jerk!"

Much to Toru's relief, Taka finally yielded but not without slapping both of his hands on the guitarist's battered back. Toru bit back an angry growl, realizing that getting snappy at the vocalist in this situation would not lead to anything good—at all. So he just sighed, massaged his shoulders and plop down on the spot beside the older teen.

He subtly glanced at the smaller man beside him, noting how incredibly adorable Taka looks with a huge pout on his lips as he pulled his knees towards his chest to cradle his still flustered face on it.

A comfortable silence ensued between them and Toru used that rare moments to think of the words that Taka had said earlier. He had mentioned that he was drunk when the picture was taken...the picture that became the reason why he left NEWS.

_What's in that picture?_

Toru knows that it’s not a good idea to take advantage of Taka's drunken state to get the information he _oh-so_ , so wanted but he's also aware that the vocalist would keep his lips zipped shut when he's sober. And it'll make Toru's heard hurt even more because no one wants to tell him anything, especially Alex-senpai who's definitely aware of that real reason ages and ages ago.

Besides, he'll probably forget about this tomorrow when he wakes up, right?

Toru mentally nodded, convinced that the vocalist is extremely trashed out at the moment. Right. _Here goes nothing._

"Say, Taka..." he started, swallowing audibly when the said teen turned his head sideways, looking up at Toru with hazy, sleep-induced eyes.

"Hmmm?"

Must not pounce. _Must not pounce_. **_Must not pounce._**

"What... " he licked his parched lips to regain a sense of control and rein the insufferable desires within him, "What was the real reason why you left NEWS?"

...

That question hung up in the air for a long time. No one _spoke_ , no one _moved_ , no one even _breathes_. They just...stared at each other's eyes, silently _sizing up_ each other’s determination before Taka finally, _fucking finally_ , break the tension in the air by softly laughing.

"I'm surprised that you didn't look it up, Toru-san?" he asked, an amused smile playing on those full lips.

"Why would I even look it up?"

"I dunno," Taka shrugged, "You're a creepy stalker, remember?"

" _Maa_ ," Toru opened his mouth to think of something against that but his mind stopped working in the moment he needs it the most, making him look like a gaping fish out of the water with his mouth opening and closing like that, "Well...”

"You're _not_ denying it, Toru-san."

"But it's... _somewhat_ true, right?"

"What? That you're a creep or a stalker?" Toru blankly stared at the wide, sparkling eyes of the vocalist, "But you can be both! A creepy stalker _pfffft_!"

And then he goes giggling. Again. While Toru is left to stare at him, wondering how the fuck they ended up in this conversation. Right. They were talking about the ultimate demise of Taka’s career back then.

"Fine, I'm a creepy stalker," he glared when the vocalist rolled his eyes, as if saying that I know, Toru-san, I know, "So? Why did you left the Jimusho? I thought it was because of your studies..?"

"It _was_ because of that," Taka quickly said, a small reminiscent smile painted on his lips as he threw his head back on the backrest, while stretching his legs across him, "You can’t have a _dumb_ idol, remember?"

"...but there's another reason, right? The girls earlier mentioned it so..."

"Why the sudden curiosity, Toru-san?"

Toru blinked when Taka suddenly latched onto him, twisting his upper body to splay those hands on Toru's chest. He peered up with suddenly serious, challenging eyes with a vivid scarlet high on his cheeks. He can feel the insane warmth from those hands, the burning intensity of those gazes and the unsaid question hanging with those words.

_What is it to you?_

"I..." he gulped, flinching at those wide, suddenly sober-looking eyes. His thoughts are racing deep within his mind, trying to find the right words to say because he knows that one _wrong_ word, one _mistake_ can lead to Taka shutting him out again, raising those thick walls around himself and doubting Toru like a stranger the way he did when they first met. And he didn't want that.

He don't want to be the receiving end of those cold, emotionless eyes; he don't want to be treated as someone whom Taka can't trust, to be treated as a complete stranger just passing by in his monotonous world.

"I want to know more about _you_..." he rasped out, ignoring how the vocalist's eyes widened in disbelief, shining in an unfamiliar warmth, "Won't you let me..?"

Taka's eyes linger at him for a bit longer before he finally pulled away, retreating his hands—Toru _didn't_ almost whimper at the loss of that warmth like a pathetic _contact-deprived fool_ —and leaning back again, a soft chuckle bubbling from his throat.

"That sounds like a _confession_ , Toru-san..." he lisped out, amusement lacing his words, "You gotta be careful with your words coz girls would definitely mistook that you're asking them for a relationship or something..."

Toru froze at that.

For a moment, he thought that he had spoken without thinking again. That he had revealed his deepest desires and feelings for all Taka to see. That he had royally fucked up again but when the vocalist threw him a slightly teasing grin, Toru realized that he's, as usual, overthinking of things again.

But that doesn't stop the madly beating of his heart right now.

" _Maa_ , but since you're _my_ guitarist," Taka slurred, eyes casted on the plain, boring ceiling above then, making Toru shiver at those words—really, Toru how pathetic can you be—, "You're entitled to know, I guess? It's not like I can keep this...anyway, sooner or later, people would dig them up and throw them at my face so it's better that you'll heard it straight from me, ne?"

Dig them up...

Like what those girls did earlier?

Toru didn't respond, and Taka _thankfully_ took that silence as a permission to continue.

"You know how idol groups must stick to _strict_ policies, right?" he began, words more sober than ever, "They should be perfect, ideal to the eyes of the public, to inspire others because, _duh_ , they're called idols for that reason, right?"

Toru nodded.

"I thought it would be easy because I lived my entire life adhering to standards, wanting to exceed expectations given to me even before I can even hold a mic properly...but then, but then, Toru-san, I... _I..._ "

Toru heard those suddenly _silent_ , suddenly _desperate_ , suddenly _scared_ voice and his eyes were instantly on the vocalist's flushed, helpless face—his heart thundering within his chest, even louder when they're on the stage and performing in front of a crowd.

"I fell in _love_ , Toru-san..." he whispered, making the guitarist's eyes widened in surprise and...and his insides combust with burning, _raging_ jealousy, "I fell in love..."

...

Oh. _Okay._

So, Taka had _indeed_ fallen in love to someone back then. _That makes sense_ , all of those harsh words against a certain bitch makes sense. It all makes sense.

But his heart won't stop flipping like crazy, hurting like someone shoved their hands into his chest to squeeze the daylights out of it. It _bleeds_. It hurts to know that somehow, at some point, Taka _wasn't his_. That someone used to be Taka's world in the past—someone that isn't Toru.

_Holy hell, this sucks._

But hey, the story must've not ended just like that right? And based on the vocalist's facial reactions, there must be more than that fact, and Taka is just probably waiting for him to say something, to say anything for him to continue...telling the story, right?

So even if his heart is near on committing _seppuku_ , Toru tried his very best to rasped out his response.

"...and? H-how was it?"

"It was _blissful_ ," Taka sighed dreamily beside him while Toru almost just bang his head onto the coffee table across them. His face remains impassive as ever but there's a brewing turmoil within him and it's scary and violent as fuck, "Like what you see in anime...full of cherry blossoms fluttering in the wind, and the birds were _singing_ in your ears and you see her standing a few feet across you, her hair getting blown by the sweet breeze and her smile, _god_ , her smile was so pretty you could just melt like a yucky goo right there and then..."

Toru's intestines churned, wanting to crawl up his throat upon hearing that extensive and very flowery description of Taka's first love _. Holy shit_ , maybe Taka should just be a writer or a manga artist instead of banging his head and screaming his voice hoarse in some dark live houses, because _holy shit! That was disgustingly descriptive as fuck!_

Than Taka suddenly _gagged_ at his own words.

"Just kidding!" he said, a scowl suddenly plastering itself on his face—making Toru wonders how he managed to stand this...this bipolar teenager for so long—, "Jesus Christ, that was _disgusting_. Where were those thoughts even came from?"

"From your _mouth_ , moron," Toru muttered under his brain. God, those images will haunt him for _days_.

"Anyways," Taka probably didn't heard him talk shit because there's _no way_ that he would let Toru off after responding like that without slapping his face _and/or_ kicking his ass out of the unit, "It was blissful but we didn't met in _spring_. Heck, I can't even remember the first time we met. It's probably in Shibuya? She studies in a high school there so..." he trailed off.

_Wait._

" _High school_?" Toru asked in bewilderment, "But...but you're just in middle school when you were in Johnny's right?"

"Right," Taka nodded, "She's older than me by _three_? _Four_ years? She's really cute and funny and has a lot of friends and I'm just a normal teenager who's constantly thinking of how to _graduate_ from being a virgin so things _happened_..." he shrugged.

Toru frowned.

"Normal teenager huh..." he drawled, not liking the sound of that from his tongue, before he casted a nasty glare at the vocalist, "so you were all lovey-dovey then you _fucked_ her?"

"Ah, such d _irty thoughts_ , Toru-san!" Taka cackled, his hand landing on Toru's shoulder to support himself, "but no, we've went out on dates a few more times, made friends with our respective friends when we went to _fucking_ ~!" he giggled as if he's an innocent kid and not telling Toru his youthful escapades with his first love.

"I was so _foolishly_ in love with her," Taka's smile faded a bit, "Like she's one of the _greatest_ things that ever happened in my entire life. She understands me and doesn't stop me from doing the things I want..."

"Doing the _things_ you want..." he grunted, thinking of things a middle-schooler Takahiro would love to do. Probably drinking, staying out late, fooling around with friends—all the things that his social status won't let him. All the things that he can't do because of his career, because of his parents' reputation, because of the expectations he's carrying on his shoulders.

"I mean, she's not like those girls who would worry about me as if I'm _not aware_ of what I’m doing with my life," Taka rambled on, his hands flailing to emphasize his points, "She's an outgoing person, a complete adult in my eyes  and I was instantly _smitten_ like a fool..."

_Fool._

"But I was _young_ and _naive_ and driven by teenage hormones back then so my perspective of life was obviously shrouded so I..." Taka chuckled for a moment, those tired yet still melodious sounds gradually dissipating as seconds of silence ticked by, "I _fucked_ up. I royally screwed up, Toru-san, can you believe it?"

Despite having the urge to nod and agree with the vocalist’s words, Toru merely sighed and blankly stares at the crumbling form of Takahiro beside him.

"We we're fooling that night," he said, voice somber and darker, "sang in karaoke a lot, drank a lot and even before I can realize—we're already in a hotel room without our clothes..."

Toru tried squeezing his eyes shut, not wanting to see the look of _betrayal and pain_ marring the vocalist's face. But then, his mind decided to flash the images of a young Takahiro together in a bed with a faceless girl— _damn, traitorous brain_ —so his eyes went flying open again.

"We were there—not just the two of us, but her friends, well, technically, _our_ friends were also there—,"

"What the fuck."

"Don't look at me like that, _mou_!" Taka said, evading the dirty looks he's shooting at gum, "I was also shocked! I mean I'm adventurous back then but I’m still sane enough to not have sex with other people watching!"

"Because that would be shit as _fuck_ ," Toru muttered, massaging his temples, "I don't even know why some people are into...what do you call that again?"

"Exhibitionism?"

"Right, I can't understand why they're into exhibitionism in the first place, like _what the hell_?"

"Hey, no _kink-shaming_ here, Toru-san," Taka giggled at the sudden turn of their conversation, "Not that I have that kink. So anyway, I was really surprised to see them all there. Drinking and smoking like fuck, the girl even asked me to try that stuff and guess what happened?"

Oh, Toru can guess it _right_. He can still remember how furious Taka is when he discovered that Toru is smoking back then. He said, _practically screamed_ , that he does not care if Toru would just die because of smoking cancerous stick amidst the cold, winter air in the smoking area of his previous apartment building. It was funny because Taka obviously hated his guts but he still worries for Toru's health as if they've known each other for _years_.

"You coughed nonstop for hours?"

"Yeah," he said, "wow, you're a psychic too, Toru-san?"

"No."

"So there I tried and failed, and it was awful but I can _live_ with that. But you know what happened next?" he asked, voice shrilly yet scary all the same time, that Toru had to swallow the lump that's forming in his throat, "Someone caught a photo of that. Someone had a picture of me on the bed, a photo with those cigarettes, and I was too drunk, too _high_ on bliss and _false security_ of friendship, that I allowed it all to happen."

What...

Toru's eyes widened at that. An idea is forming on his head, but he couldn't say it out loud,  _could not_ even accept it because of that's what really happened then...then...

Something nasty and painful formed down his throat as he gulped trying to had it back down as he listened to the ragged breathes of the vocalist beside him. He wanted this...this torture to stop but he also wants to know more about _it_ , know more about _Takahiro_ , know the things that _were not said and shown to the public_. He wants it all, he wants _all of him_.

"And then the next day, I saw myself in a tabloid," Taka said mournfully, making Toru flinched on his spot at the sheer melancholy of that voice

_I knew it._

_I fucking knew it!_

"It was awful...you should have seen my face back then, Toru-san. It was so white and pale and shocked _ahahahaha_ ," he said with a low, hollow laugh, "When the news broke, my father was livid, like really _really_ angry. My mother was crying and I can see everything crushing around me. Then the Jimusho was obviously _not amused_ with it and with my dwindling performance in school so they kicked me out, so I went away to try, _god knows_ how hard I tried to save it all...save all what's remaining of me..."

 _That_ , Toru was aware of. He knows how Taka tried to salvage his grades, how he failed and decided to just leave everything and starts with a blank slate as a working student and a vocalist of a cover band years ago.

"But it was all _useless_ ," he sighed, looking on his fingers as they fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt, "I...I tried calling her you know? Because I believe, _ahahaha so fucking dumb of me_ , a part of me still believes that I’m in love with her so I called her, asking for explanations and some...I don't know," he shrugged helplessly and Toru wants nothing but to make him shut up and embrace him and comfort him the way he always did whenever Taka is breaking down in front of his eyes, "...some sort of apology because she's the _bitch_ who ruined it...well, it was already on the _verge of cracking_ but she delivered the _final blow_ you know? The _cherry on top_ of the fucking cake to complete it all..."

But Toru also wants Taka to let this all out, let all those memories out and cry it all or else, he'll be forever trapped in the past.

"You know what she had said? She said that...that she _never_ really loved me..."

Toru inwardly groaned at that, images of a young Takahiro cradling a phone with shaking hands and wide eyes filled his mind. He looked so _scared_ and so _broken_ that just by imagining it, Toru can feel his heart hurts like crazy—like he's the one who's been actually dumped by the girl.

"...that she just wanted to know how it feels like dating a celebrity and I was...I was the _easiest_ to catch, to fool, to experiment her nasty desires, ne?"

Stop.

Toru can imagine how crestfallen Taka looked back then. How he felt like he's been stabbed a million swords because Taka loves this girl—even if it's just a puppy love or shit, Taka still harbored something special for the girl and...and to ruthlessly break his heart like _that_...

"She also apologized for her friends’ actions, you know, for giving out those nasty pictures to the press...even the photo we took in the _purikura_ , like what we did the other day? It was also uploaded. She apologized but it sounds so _hollow_ , so _insincere_ and I was too dumbfounded and exhausted so I just accepted it..."

Taka...

Taka must have felt so betrayed but those people he treated, he thought as friends. He must have felt so alone, when everyone that's supposed to support him and lend a hand when he's in need were actually the ones who brought those pictures for all the world to see. And it wrenches Toru's heart to think that because of those _people_ , because of the people who _couldn't see_ Taka's worth, who _couldn’t value_ him the way he values them, were the reasons why Taka ended up like the person he was when Toru first met him.

Cold.

Callous.

Snappy.

Distrustful.

_Unconfident._

And it makes Toru realize how the _actions_ of certain persons can make a _huge impact_ on another's life. It makes him wonder on how those persons felt. Had they felt proud when they saw the photos on the tabloids? Had they felt satisfaction when they saw the heat of conversations and bashings on online forums because of what they did? Were they proud that they crushed all the _living passion and trust_ remaining— _struggling to live and survive_ —and confidence within Taka’s chest? Were they _smiling_ when Taka was crying, _howling_ at the loss of his everything— _battered, alone and broken_ in the emptiness of his room? Had they complimented themselves? Had the girl felt satisfied that she finally got to experience dating a celebrity at the expense of Taka's feelings? Or did they just _shrugged it off_ , look forward and _moved on_ as if they just didn't _ruined a person_ , as if they just didn't _ruined a life_ , as if they just didn't _ruined Moriuchi Takahiro_?

"But it was useless, it was too late...and I was... I'm so stupid, right, Toru-san," he looked up at the guitarist with drunken glassy eyes, shining with unshed tears as a desperate, broken smile crept up on his quivering lips, "I'm so, so stupid to give everything _in the name of fucking love_ that nothing was left for me, right? _R-right_?"

But what's more troubling is that, Taka is not shedding even a single drop of tear for that. Why is he like that? Had he grown out on Toru when he's not looking? Had he become an adult while Toru is having his head wrapped around this silly infatuation he's feeling for the vocalist?

Toru vehemently shook his head, denying all what Taka had just depreciatingly said about himself because he knows that it's not true, that _despite_ making mistakes in his younger years, all of those event, all of them leads Taka in his... _uh._..arms today, "E-everything?"

Okay. That’s obviously not the right thing to say in this situation but hey, _I'm having a break down here because taka is having a break down, give me a fucking break!_

Taka blinked, like he's been doused with icy cold water. His eyes suddenly shine, not with tears anymore but with something more akin to... _mischief_ , reminding Toru for the _nth_ time already that the older teen is actually a _bipolar_ bastard.

"Well, not _really_ since I didn't kissed her..."

"Wha—," Toru's shock is probably written all over his face because the vocalist howled in laughter when his head snapped towards his direction, _mouth agape_ , making him look like a complete idiot, "you're shitting me!"

This Takahiro, who fucked someone, hasn't kissed that girl even after tumbling on the sheets with her a couple of times?!

_Fucking lie of the century!_

Taka looked quite offended at that, "I shit you _not_ , Toru-san! Well, she smells like lipstick and smoke so I..." he shrugged, an unfamiliar blush sweeping off his cheeks, making Toru gawked at the sudden cuteness the vocalist is currently displaying, "I don't wanna be lame so we don't kiss...like _ever_ ," then his brows furrowed as he stared at Toru as if he's remembering something, "Now that I'm thinking of it, you're the first one who kissed me, jerk! _Pervert!_ "

_What._

What the hell.

How they did even ended up remembering the first time Toru kissed Taka— _heck, it wasn't even a kiss because that’s just his own, twisted way of shutting up a broken, screaming vocalist back then_ —in the darkness of his genkan?!

But amidst the turmoil of shock and confusion, Toru's simple mind decided to focus on the silliest thing Taka had said—

"What..." he slowly said, his brows knitting in confusion as his mouth slowly curled in a satisfied smile, "Am I your _first kiss_ , Taka?" he asked, mentally patting himself on his back or for not just jumping onto the adorable teen, "How was it, huh?"

"That _wasn't_ even a kiss!" he slurred, eyes squinting as they roamed around Toru's equally flushed—I can feel it you know, my face is burning hot dammit—, "Too short! Not like those in _porns!_ "

_Wow. Sure, Taka. Way to crush my confidence on my almost non-existent kissing skills._

Toru...

Toru knows that he's playing with fire— _hot, burning flames_ —when a thought suddenly crossed his mind. It was just a fleeting thought but when he realized that Taka, in his drunken mind, would probably agree to it, he can feel this...this _intoxicating, heady_ feeling of desire well through his veins.

"Well," he rasped out, his throat suddenly feeling dry and stuffed with cotton as he swallowed with so much difficulty, now that he had the full attention of those pretty almond-shaped eyes, "...how do you kiss like those in porns, huh...?"

Then he ducked for cover because the vocalist would definitely attack him with something hard—no, I'm not looking at that obvious tent on his crotch, goddammit—like the expensive looking laptop lying innocently on the coffee table across the couch.

But no, instead, a mischievous smile spread across Taka's lips before he turned towards Toru, his right arm propped on the backrest while his other one is on the guitarist's denim-cladded thigh.

 _Wow._ Toru eyed the fingers drumming on his pants, silently wishing that Taka would just fuck off because if he continues teasing Toru with these touches and leering gazes, he would not hold himself responsible for his next actions.

"Oh, _right_ ," Taka drawled, licking his lips as he stared up at him while his eyes shamelessly trailed the movement of that slick, pink muscle, "Technically, I'm still your _senpai_ , so I should be the one teaching you, things, huh..?"

"What—,"

Even before Toru can retaliate and ask _whatever the fuck_ those words meant, Taka had already managed to barge into his personal bubble—pushing him until his back hits the armrest of the long couch as he _casually_ straddled Toru's taut upper legs.

_Holy hell, that was fast!_

And... _and—_

He swallowed down when he felt Taka's hands splayed on his chest, his eyes slowly travelling upwards to see those almond-shaped eyes glinting with _every intent_ to tease the ever loving daylights out of him.

" _Taka_..." he softly pleaded as his mind raced to the consequences of this...this compromising position they’re into. He's scared that Alex-senpai would suddenly pop out of thin air again, scared that this enchanting, _totally arousing_ moment would snap like a fucking dream. He would definitely throttle the lead guitarist if that happens, though.

Anyways, he tried to push the vocalist away but— _hey, would you look at that_ —his hands went to grip the older teen's sides, like he's actually scared that he would really get off instead of pushing him away like he's planning to do so.

Taka let out a soft sound of...discomfort? Contentment? _P-pleasure_? When his calloused hands had made contact with his sides making something like electric current traveling in his entire system, "What, Toru-san..?"

_Oh you sadistic fucker!_

_You know all well what I’m talking about!_

"C-could you please get off?" he tried sounding exasperated as he can but his rough, shaking voice can also be translated as from someone who's sexually frustrated for _months_ and that's definitely how Taka took it because instead of hopping off his thighs, Taka just did the opposite and leaned forward, his mouth just a _few centimeters_ away from Toru's own.

_Oh good god, I wasn’t prepare for this!_

He mentally panicked. _Lol._ Then his traitorous mind went on thinking on _how nice_ it would be if he’ll just push Taka off or pull him down _harder_ and grind those hips on the straining erection he’s sporting right now—to feel those muscles quivering and straining above his own,  and hear Taka's keening and moaning of his name while he's ravishing him, and his self-control is so _so **so**_ fucking close into snapping like a brittle twig when Taka leaned even closer, his lips touching the corners of Toru’s mouth.

"Let _Takahiro-senpai_ teach you stuffs, ne?" he said every words with hot, moist breaths so close that Toru could practically _taste_ him. He smells like the steam from the ramen house and of the _sake_ he's been _enthusiastically_ chugging down earlier.

And it dawned on Toru that this is a _drunk_ Taka. He's drunk and he doesn’t mean whatever he’s about to do right now! Toru is the one with a still rational, sober mind— _well, let's settle the fact that I’m dying to pounce on him aside, it's not even clouding my judgment, right_ —so he should... _stop_ these craziness even before Taka can do something that he'll definitely _regret_ tomorrow!

"I..." he stutters, gaze averting away from the now sulking vocalist, "we're not supposed to do this. You're..."

_Different from me._

_You don't have feelings for me the way I do to you so..._

_Besides I’m not a girl..._

"Drunk?" the vocalist lisped, before those nimble fingers slid to his jaws and forced his head to turned back towards Taka. He's scoffing right now before smiling a bit widely that totally scares the shit out of Toru, "I’m _not_ drunk, Toru-san. Come on," he said, tapping the pads of his fingers on his burning flesh—leaving trails of sparks and thoughts of something more arousing on its wake—, "Be a _good boy_ and follow _senpai's_ actions, ne?"

Toru tried to fight back, _really_ , no matter how hypocrite he looks but he really _did_. But then Taka is already crossing the small, short distance between them and all Toru can remember is Taka's warm softness sprawled above him, his hands tightly clutching his horribly ruined shirt, and his smell of smoke and sake and _something_ Toru can only associate with the word _“home”_ , before Taka's soft, _soft_ , full lips crashed on his own thin, parched ones.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, Well, what do you think? 
> 
> -All of you probably knows about the girl with Taka. I can't find my reference where it actually showed Taka half-naked with the girl. I'll upload it as soon as I found it.  
> - **EDIT:** here's the link: http://www.officiallyjd.com/archives/42987/20110805_parfume_31/  
>  also here: https://egasani.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/tumblr_m322zk9tvf1r9yx2po1_1280.png AAAAAAND here's the tumblr post: https://egasani.wordpress.com/2013/05/page/5/  
> Just scroll down. The photos and translations are not mine. Credit goes to the rightful owners.  
> -Also, I was, again, reading forums last time and found this issue. The members were talking about how painful it must be for Taka to be betrayed by his friends, because it's definitely them who leaked the pictures out.  
> -The part of the girl's reason for dating Taka is all made up.  
> -Toru is also not his first kiss but since I shit it out in Reason, let's just believe that he was, okay?
> 
> Please tell me what you think! For some reason, this chapter was so heavy to write. Like I'm gonna have a break down while I was editting it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading~! 
> 
> Also, the next chapter will be shorter. A lot shorter.


	22. Bedroom Warfare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K-I-S-S-I-N-G
> 
> Toru said that he resembles a dog in an interview years and years ago (while Taka said that he's a smart koala) and that image stuck with me for god knows why. Probably because a lovesick Toru is practically like a puppy begging for Taka's attention? Hmmmm.
> 
> "It's not a fair fight when you're already naked  
> Your body language is so persuasive"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! After almost two hundred thousand words!  
> This will be the turning point of the story since everything would definitely change after this shit. Please be prepared for the coming shits and angst in the succeeding chapters. Also, this is quite...descriptive as fuck. I almost bleed to the fucking floor because of too much blushing. So I was wondering if I should change the ratings to Explicit? BUUUUT it's not like they're gonna kiss and fuck all the time (that's what the AU's are for) so maybe I should just let it stay in M? What do you think?
> 
> And so, without further ado, here's the update~!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please be advised that the actions and words and thoughts of the characters in the story is pure fictional. Though I would love it if it actually did happened.
> 
> Note: **holyastronauts-san in instagram made an unofficial fansite for OOR~! It's cool! And they have a TORUKA board! They have some...nosebleed worthy fanarts. I made a huge mistake in opening the site while in office, only to have a sketch of Taka and Toru doing naughty stuffs displayed on my monitor for everyone to see! God, I fucking pulled the PC plug in shock. (Then I opened it in my phone you know, to gather references hohohohoho). You can check it out here: www.oorers.com. Please drop by (or be a member) if you can! Thank you very much!**

Toru expected his first _true_ kiss to be with a girl—hell, like every _normal_ man would—a pretty girl with long, straight hair fanning around her like a pretty halo, as he pushed her down onto the soft, silken sheets. He imagined fireworks going off around them, as the world’s spinning halts and everything would taste _sweet_ and _gentle_ and not—

_Not—_

His pulse quickened as the pair of silken lips landed on his. It was warm, creating a multitude of sensations and lightning sparks within Toru’s body—his lips tingling as Taka gently nipped on his lower lip. He inwardly groaned at that, his eyes squeezing shut in order to avoid those wide, hazy eyes staring right through his soul—watching and _wringing out_ all the expressions that are probably swimming all over his face right now.

— _not like_ —

There were so many questions simultaneously running through his mind—

_Why are **you** doing this?_

_Why are **we** doing this?_

_Aren’t you disgusted?_

_Aren’t you disgusted that I’m, not fighting you off?_

_Aren’t you repulsed by me?_

—but they’re all blown out of his stupid mind when he realized that Taka is nowhere near into stopping.

_—like this!_

His hands shoot up again to— _I don’t know_ —stop Taka from licking and biting his lips like a damn, _dumb kitten_ —but instead of actually doing what his mind is planning to do, his hands went to cup the base of the vocalist’s skull and arched his head further— _closer_ —angling their lips in a better way as their lips messily glides against each other’s. Toru is—painfully— _obviously inexperienced_ but Taka is probably aware of that because he silently  took the lead, hands abandoning their posts on Toru’s chest in favor of enveloping his cheeks with their warmth, his mouth sloppily driving deeper onto the guitarist’s.

_Holy fuck_ , this wasn’t what Toru has been expecting for! _It’s not even close, dammit! It’s—_

His mind went short-circuit when his eyes fluttered open, revealing the very, _very zoomed in_ features of their vocalist before Taka slightly leaned backwards. Toru’s eye closed on itself when the vocalist trailed his fingers on his face, cupping his jawline while stroking a thumb along the apple of his— _definitely blushing_ —cheek, just below the dark, hollow skin beneath his eye, and stared at him _tenderly_ —smiling at him so _lovingly_ , that it started to _hurt_.

— _so, so fucking better than all of my wildest imaginations_ , he realized.

He couldn’t speak, couldn’t even form _any_ words to say because guilt and shame and the suffocating _desire_ to hold Taka like _this_ — _to kiss and embrace Taka like this_ —came crashing onto him all at once. It drowns him, making him want to just black out into the tender solace of unconsciousness.

He couldn’t even blink, afraid that _one_ wrong move, _one_ wrong touch—that he’ll open his eyes and realize that Taka wasn’t _really_ here—that the _heat_ , the _desire_ , the _kiss_ , and the _warm_ —albeit drunken—smile of the vocalist is just a part of his _imaginations_. Juts a vivid, _lucid_ dream like the one he’s having for weeks now. He’s afraid— _scared_ —because for the _first time_ in all these weeks of pining after Taka…

…after all those _nights_ spent dreaming of him…

…after all the times and moments they shared together—after suppressing all those intense yearnings for this man…

Toru felt cherished.

Toru felt wanted.

Toru felt _loved._

_Even if…_ even if Taka is obviously just doing these under the influence of alcohol.

So, when Taka swopped down again—mouth _hot and wet_ as it slipped over his—Toru took a deep breath, inhaling the vocalist’s scent—the fruity scent of his shampoo filling his nostrils—focusing on the feel of Taka’s soft, milky skin under his fingertips— _wow, please take note how his hand just accidentally slipped right under the older’s shirt and is now trailing a path over Taka’s lower back_ —the comforting warmth of that ass on his rigid legs, and convinces himself that Taka is _real_ —that this is really happening right now— _that everything is fucking real._

Even if allowing this to happen is practically the same as taking advantage of Takahiro…

_Remember this, Toru…_

His eyes stung with tears as guilt quickly gnawed on his system, nagging and bitching like a frantic mother, clawing and shredding his heart into pieces—but even so, he still _desperately_ pushed it into the deepest recesses his mind.

_Because this is your first and last time to savor this…to feel him like this…_

Remember his _scent._

Remember his _softness._

Remember the _feeling_ of his skin under your touches.

Remember the _sounds_ he makes.

Remember those eyes— _that for once, are entirely focused on you_ —Take it all in.

Remember it _all_ , even if Taka would surely forget it tomorrow morning.

Toru wanted to pull him closer—if that’s even possible because they’re practically glued to each other at the moment, with Taka almost diving straight for his face or something. Toru wanted to hug him _more and more_ until he can feel Taka become one with him—until he can’t feel his own body as it melts with the vocalist’s burning— _oh-so burning_ —one.

But then, Taka is already pulling away—

_No, no! Don’t go_ —

—making Toru panic like someone just snatched his _favorite candy_ away—his head rising up to chase those full lips, his teeth gnawing at the moist, plump lower lip of Takahiro in desperate attempt to make him stay.

“E-easy!” Taka chuckled as he pushed Toru away, his eyes glinting when Toru whined and growled like a puppy being denied of any contact with his beloved master, “Chill down, Toru-san,” he laughed—the soft sound of his giggles washing over the guitarist like a fucking blessing from the heavens—as he sat on his haunches— _away from me, why are you moving away, you dumb fuck—_

“I’m not going away, so chill, ne?”

That struck Toru like a fucking lightning.

His mind was already shattered and he’s clearly not thinking rationally, nor straight— _heh, straight, I’m not even sure if I’m still straight remember_ —that he felt actually kinda relieved when Taka reassured him like that. It was so hilarious—like how a child would stop crying when his mom—or father, or whatever—told him that she’s not gonna go away.

“O-oh…” he blinked, “Y-you’re not..?” he managed to croak out with that rough voice of his. Now that they’re not too busy sucking the _life_ out of each other’s mouth, Toru suddenly became hyperaware of their predicament— _Taka had just kissed him—_ passionately at that, unlike the chaste, almost non-existent kiss on the cheek on their first date—without showing any hint of remorse and disgust! It’s like…like a dream—a very, _very_ good dream!

He…

Toru sighed, the quietness of the room only punctuated by their labored breathings.

“Of course not,” Taka said, gathering Toru’s attention and thoughts—all of him—back towards him again, “ _Baaaaka_ ~!”

He then batted his eyelashes on his equally flustered cheeks—long eyelashes fanning on the vivid scarlet of his face—unintentionally sending desire to pool in Toru’s belly—spreading like _spilled honey_ , like _liquid flames_ burning everything on its wake—making Toru’s mouth and throat dry and thirst for something… _someone…_

_Oh God, Taka—the things you do to me, you—_

“Such a good boy~!” the vocalist cooed, childish giggles escaping his puffy lips before arching a brow at him expectantly, “Well? Are you just gonna gawk there and make me do _all the work_ , Toru-san?”

“You fucking—,” he gritted through clenched teeth as he felt his patience snapping at those words. He prides himself with his strong control over his desires—just like how he’s been keeping all those nasty thoughts to himself these past few weeks—but he’s still a _man_ on his wit’s end and with the object of his lust _willing_ and _beckoning_ him to simply jump at him is too much—too _fucking_ much—for his poor heart and mind to handle.

He pushed himself off the armrest, his hand tangling itself on those spiky locks, making Takahiro let out a soft sound of surprise and something like pleasure when his head arched beneath his grip.

Toru licked his lips when Taka—teary-eyed and mouth parted pen in anticipation—tried to look down at him, a smirk placed on his lips as if he’s _taunting_ him… _seducing_ him… _asking_ him to just throw everything out of the window and _just fucking give in_.

_You don’t know what you’re doing…_

Taka swallowed under the intensity of Toru’s gaze, his heavily-lidded eyes watching as the vocalist’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, making him growl in impatience and leaned forward, pressing open-mouthed kisses to the sweat-salted skin, grunting when the older teen keened, gasping as he tilted his head even further back to reveal the column of his throat.

_I don’t know what I’m doing anymore…_

_This isn’t right…_

_None of this is right—_

“G-good,” he gasps, his hands sliding up at the back of Toru's shirt, warm and spread out on the guitarist’s back, “M-mouth…” he mumbled impatiently, fingers locking themselves on Toru’s nape as he almost yanked it up, “K-kiss me on the _mouth,_ dammit!”

“God, you’re so—,”

Insufferable.

Unreasonable.

Moody.

Unstable.

Demanding,

Tyrant-like, through and through.

And—

_And who am I to say no, you seductive little bastard?!_

Toru’s mind wander, thinking on how Taka is feeling at the moment. Well, based on his reactions—which is, _now that I’m thinking of it_ , sounds and looks too erotic, fuck!—and his almost incoherent mumblings of how good Toru is—maybe, Toru is really doing a good job at… _whatever_ he’s doing to Takahiro? _God_ , Toru hates how his ego inflates by that single word, but, he also wants to know how Taka feels about this…deep under the intoxication brought by alcohol. _I mean, is he still doing this for the sake of being a good senpai?_

Of course not.

Toru might be a huge moron but he’s not _that_ dumb to actually think that a good upperclassman would give a hands-on lesson on kissing to his kouhai— _his male kouhai_ —in the first place.

Maybe…

Perhaps… _perhaps_ , Taka feels the same smoldering desire that Toru is feeling…that scalding feeling Toru was desperately trying to reign in all these times..?

Toru doesn’t want to raise his hopes—to allow those thoughts of being loved the _same way_ he feels about Taka, bloom within his chest, because that would surely hurt like a bitch in the future. But when Taka seeks his mouth after a few seconds of stopping his motions, he can feel his breath getting stolen—as Taka’s tongue boldly licked across his lips—and Toru was _more than eager_ to let him in and oh—

_Oh._

—Toru shuddered in response when he felt the foreign tongue in his mouth—slippery but not unpleasant and _oh-so_ warm—exploring every nook and cranny of his mouth.

Toru had _never_ been kissed like _this_ before.

Heck, he had _never even kissed anyone_ before so these are all new to him and it makes his blood hum pleasantly—the way it feels whenever he’s plucking the taut strings of his guitar, or whenever he tried and triumphed in doing a solo that he thought only Alex-senpai could, or whenever Taka belts out a long, high note perfectly or whenever his riffs resonated quite well along with the sounds of bass and drums around him. He can feel his head _buzzing_ as his fingers threaded on the now messy hair of the vocalist, moaning when the older teen teased the roof of his mouth with a practiced tongue.

_Holy fuck, what kind of porn had you watched to make you a good kisser like this?!_

It was driving Toru _crazy_!

An addicting heat unfurled on his gut, groaning as he yanked the vocalist away—his head spinning with desire, especially when Taka—for a moment—refused to let go by biting on his lower lip before whimpering in _need_ ; eyes glassy and droopy as he blindly reached for Toru’s face again, “W-why…”

He had never heard Taka’s voice like this— _high_ and _sultry_ and _raspy_ and _needy_ that practically screams for _sex_ —and Toru finds it already addicting, his possessiveness flaring—

No one should _see_ him like this— _rumpled_ and _gorgeous_ and pupils _blown_ wide and dark.

No one should _hear_ him like this—moaning and whimpering and whining Toru’s name— _Toru-san, Toru-san_ —like a frantic, breathless _prayer_.

No one.

No one, _but him_.

_Only_ Toru.

_Only me._

“P-please, Toru-san,” Taka mumbled, a pout adorning his swollen lips. The words slid hot and fierce to pool like lava in Toru’s groin—his fingers curling, yanking the vocalist’s head back.

_I’m really hopeless, aren’t I?_

He thinks before he arches forwards enough to meet Taka’s waiting mouth. The older teen offers no resistance as Toru finally takes control of the kiss—no _longer_ clumsy with his tongue or unsure when he drags his teeth along the soft inside of Taka’s plump lower lip and _god_ , did Toru thrills at Takahiro’s squirming against him. His blunt nails manage to somehow scratch stinging lines on his nape, and on the exposed skin of where his neck and shoulders meet— _clawing_ and _pawing_ for some kind of anchor while Toru maps and claims his mouth like the possessive, _manipulative bastard_ he is.

He wonders if Taka would have a colossal freak out when he remembers about this tomorrow. But even as early as now, Toru is willing to accept every harsh word, every scathing and disgusted glares, even a thousand slaps and punches, on his face— _every fucking thing_ that the vocalist would throw at him. He will gladly receive it all because he was the who’s in a  sane mind, sober and all, but he still allowed everything to happened. Toru knows that Taka would scream bloody murder because of that, but he _couldn’t care_ less for the safety of his pretty face.

He’s in too deep in the moment, his heart pounding like crazy against his chest as he relishes the look of pure pleasure on Taka’s face.

Toru also probably looks like that.

Albeit l _ess_ drunk-looking.

Toru drags himself back, panting and relishes in Taka’s dazed, sleepy eyes. His thumb stroking a path along the older teen’s cheekbone while the tips of his fingers are still tangled in the dark, ruffled hair. Taka looks so _perfect_ , so _soft_ , so _pliant_ under Toru’s touches that the guitarist thinks the world could end right now and he might not even notice. _Taka looks so amazing like this_ , he thought before diving in for another open-mouthed kiss again.

Toru wasn’t sure how long they stayed there—sitting across the couch and pressed against each other—kissing—the wet, smacking noise of their lips loud in his ears. He felt so _bold_ and so _reckless_ even with the small feeling of fear for the repercussions of his actions blooming within his chest.

I _’ll deal with it tomorrow…_

Toru was pretty sure that he could have spent the _whole night_ like this—feeling Taka’s body heat, smelling his own distinct scent—like the ramen house, like the earthy sake, like the scent of Taka’s kitchen—l _ike home_ —tasting his mouth and cheeks and the curve of his jaws, making Toru get dizzier and dizzier as the minutes ticked by.

But then, Taka suddenly slumped forward—crashing his face onto Toru’s shoulder—limp less, boneless like a fucking _ragdoll_ , soft sounds of snoring passing through those kiss-swollen lips.

_What—_

It happened so fast that Toru was literally left hanging in the air—his mouth open as if he’s kissing some invisible person—as the realization that Taka just slept—while having an _intense_ making out session with him—kicked in. He slowly glanced down on the vocalist who’s peacefully resting against him, blissfully unaware of the raging hormones swirling within the guitarist’s body.

What. The. Actual. _Fuck._

He couldn’t believe it!

Toru groaned—between _relief and frustration_ —one of his hands landing on Taka’s lower back while the other combs through his own overgrown hair.

Oh.

_Okay._

Fucking hell.

_How dare you leave me like this?!_

He roughly sighed—ignoring the raging hard on beneath his pants—not really knowing what to do. He guessed that he should tuck the vocalist in, like what he’s usually doing whenever Taka managed to get shit-faced. Then he would watch over him for a moment—no, scratch that—for minutes, _like a total creep_ , before leaving for home.

Huh…

But he’s exhausted—physically, emotionally and mentally—that he’ll definitely just pass out in the streets or something. He’s not even gonna relieve himself in the bathroom because that will be too taxing. Besides, he can’t still believe the vents that just transpired a few moments ago, so it’s not…really a good material for jacking off.

“ ‘on’t leave me… _ru_ -san…”

He shivered when Taka shifted, nuzzling and mouthing those words on the flushed skin of his neck—cementing his fate of staying the night over—, “you…prom…sed…”

Toru groaned, his lips still tingling and his mouth still tasting like Takahiro, before he stood up—dragging the unconscious, heavy body of _his_ vocalist into the bedroom.

_I hope he won’t me stab me first thing in the morning, though…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cringes in disgust and self-hatred
> 
> This is so serious goddammit. It was supposed to be funny and fluffy and shits you expected for a first kiss but hey, Taka is inebriated as fuck and Toru is overthinking of things so yeah.
> 
> I'M SO SORRY.
> 
> But please tell me what you think of it~! 
> 
> Thank you for reading~!


	23. Et Cetera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.
> 
> " A fear that everything is over is pressing down on my back  
> I lock away the phrase my tear ducts hate most: “Let’s break up”
> 
> Why? Why? I hate this, hate it, hate it  
> I want more of that warmth from a moment ago  
> I can’t believe it, I can’t understand why
> 
> I don’t know what to do, I don’t know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah finally! I was so busy with the masonic shits last week that I failed to post an update so here's one!
> 
> Special thanks to **Chris-Fainello** and **Darkwishes23** for sharing their thoughts and ideas regarding the aftermath of the kiss. You guys pulled me out of the block I'm suffering. 
> 
> Also, I'm updating from my phone for this week so the format would be shitty again. Typos and errors will also be more often than usual. 
> 
> I'm also staring to write for another draft of HTMHF and I wrote about 6500 words in pne seating! 6500 words and I'm not even close to writinf the scene I want! 6500 words as a prelude for a blowjo—spoilers, spoilers. Anyway, so I think the updates will come out sooner than expected. Definitely not on this week tho coz I sucked at formatting using my phone.
> 
> Anyways, here's the short chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine.

Toru woke up at the sound of retching.

  
It was _awful_ , the horrendous sounds filling and gritting in his ears, abruptly pulling him out of his restless sleep. His eyes opened—

  
~* ** _shine_**!*~

  
—almost shutting them tight again when the bright sunlight filled his vision. _Gah!_ Who the fuck let the blinds open?! His head hurts as if there's some kind of awful _yokai_ pounding on it with a hugeass hammer and now his eyes hurts too. He's probably even _blinded_. He just want to sleep for five more minutes, was that _too much_ to fucking ask?!

  
The sound of retching filled his hearing again, making his blood sizzle with something akin to irritation and urge to _kill_ that—

  
_Oh for the love of god!_

  
Can somebody stop that asshole who's puking out his _intestines_ somewhere in the room?!

  
_Argh!_

  
Toru rolled over and dumped his irritated, scowling face onto the soft pillows. The familair scent of _strawberries_ filling his nostrils as his fingers clutched the soft pillow, his raging mood instantly dissipating as the calming scent washed through him.  
Ah...this is _nice_...it smells like...

  
Like...

  
...

  
Taka.

  
_Takahiro_.

  
You should've seen how wide Toru's eyes suddenly went at that realization. _Holy shit,_ he thought that his eyelids would fucking _tear_ because of its intensity, dammit!

_Because Taka—_

  
Memories of last night flooded his sleep-ladden mind—the incident in the alley, Taka chugging down glass after glass of alcohol, Taka hanging limply behind him, Taka spilling all his secrets at him, Taka smiling teasingly at him about being a good senpai, Taka suddenly rushing forward, grabbing his burning face to plant a kiss on his frozen lips, Taka smiling at him, Taka's sounds of _pleasure_ , of _irritation_ , of _impatience_ , Taka guiding him, pulling him into the _brink_ of losing his mind, Taka kissing back when Toru leaned forward to kiss him as pasisonately as he can, Taka's lidded eyes, Taka's flushed cheeks, Taka's kiss-swollen lips, Taka's voice panting Toru's name over and over again, Taka, _Taka_...

  
Another violent sound of vommitting startled the shit out of Toru. He blinked, finally realizing that he was still in the vocalist's unit, that everything that have transpired last night is _real_ , and that Taka is definitely vomitting out his intestines somewhere in the toilet.

  
What the fuck.

  
He rose to a sitting position, his mind racing a mile a second for the next action to take.

Taka would definitely be _livid_ when the memories comes back to him. He would be disgusted and would accuse Toru of _taking advantage_ of his poor, vulnerable drunken state last night ( _well, it's actually true that I took advantage but..._ ) then he would renounce Toru and probably kick him out of the band that he, _himself_ , had formed years and years ago.

  
What a fucking _tragedy_.

  
And considering that Taka is having a massive hang over, his mood would be probably ranging from " _go the fuck away or I'll castrate you with a fucking spoon"_ to _"I'll fucking kill you if you even look at me",_ and that means that Toru should be prepared to receive the repercussions of his actions. With a hundred percent _more_ screaming and hitting. He shivered at that thought.

  
_Maybe...maybe I should just sneak away while he's still...busy?_

  
_Wow._ That might really work! He'll run away and hide somewhere else until the vocalist calm down, right? Or until Taka is done fuming and wanting to murder his ass, right?

  
_Oh shit, shit!_ Now he's getting really scared! Maybe he should just go to Alex-senpai— _nah, darn it._ Just the thought of the lead guitarist's leering and satisfied smirk makes Toru want to go anywhere but to his senpai's house at the moment. Maybe he should just go to the nearest train station, buy a ticket and go straight home.

  
Straight to _Osaka_.

  
_Taka wouldn't find me there, right..?_

  
But even before Toru could really act on his _brilliant_ plans, he heard the toilet being flushed. _That was fast!_ In pure terror and panic and fear for his life, he hastily rose into a sitting position and slid off the bed—

  
_Ugh! That hurts_!

  
—down onto the cold wooden floor. He's not even done on mentally cursing his stupid, clumsy self when the door to the bedroom was roughly flung open, revealing the heavily disgruntled face of their vocalist.

  
...

  
...

  
Taka looked...like shit. _Seriously_. Toru might have been attracted to this midget and he could have sugarcoated his words but _nah_. Taka looks like a typical hung over person and _no amount_ of feelings of attraction would make him prettier in his eyes.

  
His _hair_ is a mess, his _face_ is a mess and he kinda reeks of mouthwash and soap. _What the hell, did he bathe in it or something?_! Anyways, he looks so far from the blushing, teasing bastard he was last night when Toru...when they...k- _kissed_.

  
_Oh crap. I should've just jumped on that window!_

  
His eyes darted on the window, the urge to just run towards it and jump—even if they're on the second floor which would obviously make his bones _snap_ like fucking twigs the moment he landed on the concrete pavement—off while screaming _Freedom_ or something. But it's too late. Too fucking late.

Toru _would have to die now._

  
"Oh, finally awake?" Taka scoffed from the doprway. The rough voice sending shivers—not of pleasure and anticipation this time but more of guilt and mind-blowing fear--down to Toru's spine as his eyes glued on the slouching form of his beloved vocalist. Taka padded towards him, barefooted and all—Toru's fear and guilt growing with _every_ step he makes.

  
_D-don't come closer._

  
_D-don't_.

  
And then Taka is already plopping beside him, his back resting on the side of his bed as he arched his head back onto the soft mattress. He wonders if this will be the _end_ of it. He remembers the day, or night, he had first seen Taka. Back in the old live house, staring at his shoes even if he can sing very well. He had _long_ been past that. Taka can now sing with _confidence_ , with _strength_ , with a _smile_ on his face—just like Toru had _promised_ him in that cold winter night. And he's nothing but glad about that. _Proud_ even. Taka doesn't need to _hide_ anymore, doesn't need to _cower_ anymore...doesn't need... _Toru_ anymore...

  
It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, but that's just how things go. And now, Toru had royally fucked up so whatever the vocalist had for him, he will accept it like the man he is.  
The pain and bitterness is probably showing on his scowling facade because Taka suddenly, albeit weakly, jabbed him on his side. Toru stared at him with a lost look on his face. Like _someone_ he hold dearly just died. Like _he_ had just died.

  
He wants to run, wants to flee, forget everything that had ever happened because everything would surely change now—but at the same time, he wants to _cling_ to their vocalist, wants Taka to whisper comforting words in his ear, wants Taka's warmth around him so, so bad that it fucking _hurts_.

  
"So...why do you look like you're hung over _too_?" Taka asked beside him, his brows knitted in genuine worry, "what happened last night?"

  
...

  
...

  
That hit Toru like a fucking _bomb_. An atomic bomb. No, it's probably a nuclear bomb. Devastated the hell out of him.

  
Toru's mouth and throat and everything within him instantly went _dry_ at that. _The fuck_?! He felt so thrown of out his loop that he just glanced at Taka with a blank look on his face, his jaws hanging wide open.

  
Did...

  
Did he forgot all of those shits?!

  
Their kiss, the heat between them, the loving gazes and the soft mutterings of their respective names last night?!

  
_Holy crap on a stick_ , Toru gulped down, this is...this is...

  
_This is my chance!_ His mind jumped in delight at that thought. Seems like Taka was so _intoxicated_ last night to make him forgot all the stuffs they did! Toru should just tell him that he made a huge fool of himself last night, and that there's nothing to remember at all. Then Taka would blush and splutter and everything would be forgotten. Everything would be fucking all right.

  
That's good. Toru would have to live for _another_ day or week and nothing would change within their _band_ , nothing would change _between the two of them._ It's like a win-win situation for everyone! But...but Toru's heart beats _otherwise_.

  
No _secrets_. He doesn't want to lie to Taka. He doesn't want to deceive the boy who took _so_ _much_ time in building his trust to other people. He doesn't want to betray Taka like his _friends_ , like his _first love_ , like his _parents_ — _like everyon_ e—did to him. He would be different. Even if it costs him everything.

  
_You did this Toru_...

  
He bit his lip in frustration and indecision, ignoring Taka's worried whisper of, "Toru-san? What's wrong?"

  
_What's wrong_ , Toru wanted to pull all of his hair off his scalp, _what's wrong?! Everything's fucking wrong!_ But he... Toru should man up. He feels suffocated with the vocalist's presence beside him. He knows that he's a huge hypocrite for wishing that Taka would just...give him some space or something but damn, he can feel his body getting colder when the vocalist peered up at him with wide, confused eyes. God knows how many times he had dreamt of being the receiving end of those hot, smoldering gazes, but right now, all he wants is to push Taka away and make a beeline for the door, go outside and fucking _breathe_.

  
But he _couldn't_. He stayed rooted on his spot, breath hitching, throat dry and wide eyed.

  
_Fucking man up_.

  
**_Don't do this._ **

  
_Tell him_.

  
**_Don't ruin it_**.

  
_Don't lie to him_.

  
**_Don't make him hate you._ **

  
_Don't make him feel betrayed._

  
**_Don't_**.

  
_Don't_ —

  
"Toru-sa—,"

  
"You kissed me last night," he blurted out.

  
It was _dead_ silent in the next few seconds, both of their eyes widening at the same time as they realized the implications of the words that just went flying out of his stupid mouth.

  
Dumb, _dumb_ Yamashita Toru!

  
Fucking asshole!

  
Taka continued staring at him with wide eyes. He didn't seemed to heard what Toru just said, in fact, he looks so still, so calm that he started doubting if those words even left his lips. What if he just imagined himself saying it? What if there's still a chance to retract those shits from his mind and actually say something else?

  
But no. All hopes starting to rise from Toru were cruelly crushed when Taka gulped down, his eyes blinking owlishly at him in wonder...in confusion...in disbelief...and...and _wait, what was that?_ _Fear_?

  
"O-oh," Taka softly said, his head arching back on the edge of the bed again. He looks so... _flabbergasted_ that makes Toru feel worried about him. Taka is probably thinking about different stuffs at the moment, stuffs that's probably torturing his poor, hung over brain. _Oh god, maybe this isn't the right decision. J-just look at Taka!_ He looks like a broken porcelain doll, dammit! One wrong move and he just might shatter into tiny confettis!

  
"S-so," Taka cleared his throat, his eyes darting everywhere— _anywhere except Toru's general direction_ —which squeezes painfully at his heart. That's _how_ Taka looks in the first few days they've spent together. He looks so _uncomfortable_ , so _uncertain_ that he doesn't want to even glance at Toru. _Damn_. He hates the uncertainty in that voice, he hates how fragile Taka sounds, so so much different from his overwhelming confidence when he was practically devouring Toru last night.

  
"T-that's why you...you look like shit..?"

  
Toru could have said that _yes_ , it was the reason of his deep, _deep_ frown. Then the conversation would end, but he's scared and stupid and having a low-key panic attack that he uttered the _first_ thing he can think of.

  
"No," he mumbled, "It's coz I kissed you back."  
Taka's mouth formed a huge-O at the bomb he just mercilessly dropped.

  
"Oh."

  
...

  
...

  
The silence that followed was _deafening_. It's eating at Toru's patience, fanning the burning feeling of guilt and distrust between him. At that moment, he realized how he had royally fucked up. Fucked up their _band_. Fucked up their current _relationship_. Fucked _everything_ up.

  
He had expected Taka to suddenly start screaming, kicking and delivering slaps and kicks onto Toru's solemn face. He had expected Taka to say how _disgusting_ it was, how Toru should fuck off and leave him alone. But he hadn't expected their vocalist to just stared at the blank wall across them, his face pale and stricken like someone just punched him deep into his stomach.

  
"O-oh."

  
Then he suddenly stood up, so abruptly that Toru's eyes snapped to him, watching how the vocalist stumbled and walked like a headless zombie towards the bathroom.

  
_What the_ —

  
"W-where are you going?!"

  
Maybe Taka would go to the kitchen to get some sharp object and would casually waltz back into the bedroom to stab him Toru to death?! Maybe Taka would call the police to arrest him?! Or maybe he'll call the entire band for an emergency meeting on how to oust him as the band leader of ONE OK ROCK?!

  
_Wait, everything but the last one!_

  
But then, Taka started heaving halfway towards the bathroom.

  
"I-I think I need to vomit again," he grumbled before practically dashing towards the toilet, "F-fuck!"

  
Then Toru heard the door slamming open and the retching sound filled his ears again.

He really should follow the vocalist and assist him and make sure that he won't die...puking out his internal organs or hitting his head on the water closet...like what he did when Toru was the one who's drunk beyond recognition. But he's too tired this early, too tired of thinking of the thousands of possible outcomes of his actions last night, too tired of thinking how Taka would react...

  
Besides, he's actually starting to feel like vomitting himself right now.

  
_Damn you Taka and your retching shits!_

  
Toru shakily stood up, grabbing his stuffs before dashing the hell out of that unit.

  
_F-fuck_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -this arc woild be fucking repetitive. And ansgt-filled. 
> 
> We'll have Taka's side on the next one!
> 
> Please tell me what you think!  
> Thanks for reading~!


	24. LOST AND FOUND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who took advantage of whom?
> 
>  
> 
> "I can almost taste the hate, the rage, the mourn, the longer  
> I stare into the eyes of my own  
> And feel my bloodstream gushing vividly inside"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Oh, Rola. You don't know how you made me happy with that interview (??). It's like someone had pulled the thorn from my damn throat just by reading it.
> 
> Hello, everyone! I'm back with another update! 
> 
> The thoughts in this chapter is a bit repetitive. And like a carbon-copy of Toru-san's thoughts when Alex-senpai made him realize that he got some feelings for the vocalist. But this is the best shit I can imagine Taka reacting??
> 
> Also this is heavily inspired by **Chris Fainello** and 's words of wisdoms. 
> 
> God. This arc is making my head hurts like hell.
> 
> Disclaimer: ONE OK ROCK is not mine. And will never be.

_So, I kissed Toru-san._

 

Taka blearily stared at the bland white wall of his unit across him. He's currently in his dining table, a cup of green tea and sets of painkillers littered the otherwise empty table. His head is killing him but it's kinda better now. Like the " _I-don't-fee-vomitting-every-five-minutes"_ kind of better. Flashes and bits of last night's events are slowly coming back to him...

 

Toru-san's _worried_ eyes...his broad, _warm_ back...his distinct manly smell...the scent that reminds him of _safety_ , of _security_ , of _home_...Toru-san's shocked face whent Taka started leaning towards him, his blurry vision focused on that thin lips...wanting to _feel_ them, _taste_ them, _kiss_ them...

 

_Oh god, what the motherfucking shit—_

 

Takahiro. _You_. _Are_. _Such. A. Pervert_.

 

Taka groaned at that memory. What the hell. Why did he come onto their guitarist like...like some _sex-deprived_ asshole?! He feels like he'd just taken advantage of Toru-san!

 

With his hazy vision, he can still remember the shell-shocked look on the younger teen's face...like he _couldn't_ believe that Taka did just kissed him as a lesson or something. Toru-san looks so _stupefied_ and it sends this unfamiliar twinge of pain within his chest.

 

_I messed up..._

 

He groaned as he dove his face onto his open palms. His head felt like it's been splitting into two...as he thinks of... _everything_ , actually. Toru-san's probably disgusted at him right now. Well, he really didn't know what came into him last night to pull those shits.

 

_Senpai my ass,_ he snorted, _a true senpai won't fucking kiss his underclassman just to teach him how to kiss damn it! Oh god, I'm such a pervert!_

 

And to make matters worse, Taka _didn't_...felt quite disgusted at the thought of kissing their leader. He can still feel those lips shyly pressing back at first, then surging _possessively_ and _aggressively_ devouring him when Toru-san decided that he's done being a weak newbie. God, that was too much for Taka's mind! In fact, he's probably blushing so much right now that he'll just _bleed out_ on the floor with all the hot blood rushing towards his face!

 

_Oh god, oh god, I shit shit fuck!_

 

What the hell—w- _we're both guys! Like he have a dick, right? Just like mine?_

 

And two persons _with dicks_ should _never_ fall in love with each other?! Because that's... _that's_...

 

Something painful formed into his throat. He meant to say _gross_...that it's _sick_ to be gay for another man, but no matter how much he wants to say it, he _couldn't_.

 

He _wouldn't_.

 

Because flashes of the times when he reacted violently against the teens calling them a _pop-punk homo_ couple flooded his mind. Toru-san's hurt expressions when the kids called them sick...Toru-san's _hysterical_ way of laughing back then...

 

He _wouldn't_ because deep within him, he don't really feel that it's _repulsive_ , that it's _disgusting_...it's just...

 

_I...I don't understand?!_

 

That's weird, right?! He's supposed to throw a fit and demand Toru-san to back the fuck off because _friends don't kiss,_ two men don't kiss, because it's fucking wrong and risky and... _And yet_...

 

It felt _good_. So, _so good_ that Taka can feel his lips tingling with anticipation again.

 

It's weird and confusing and something's _definitely_ wrong with his head for thinking like that but damn. _Damn it all to hell._

 

_We're both men._

 

_We don't...we're straight men.._.

 

_So it's...it's.._.

 

_I'm straight. I'm straight, just look at the fucking shit ton of my porn magazines! Just look at the boxes of tissue I used every month! Just look at the sites I'm visiting when no one is around! I'm straight, he said again and again, said desperately to himself, I'm attracted to girls and girls alone and...and..._

 

Then there's the images of Toru-san across him. So, s _o close_ , his eyes lidded and his cheeks flushed and his thin lips parted in disbelief as he stared at Taka, as if he's the _center_ of his world or something.

 

"Oh god," another painful throb hits his head. He needs to rest. Rest his mind and body and voice. He needs some kind of _comforting_. He needs...Toru-san to pull him _close_ , say silly things to _soothe_ him and run his calloused fingers through his messy hair. He needs Toru-san to _hold_ him, tell him that _everything_ will be alright, that he would be _here_ when Taka wakes up...

 

He wants Toru-san beside him like the guitarist had promised but...but...

 

_He probably hates me now._..he mulled over, remembering the disappointment that gnawed at him when the rhythm guitarist didn't followed him in the toilet earlier. He had expected their leader to do that, crouch beside him and push his messy hair out of his sweaty face so he can focus on... _puking_ his guts out, while rubbing his back in a comforting manner, but no. Toru-san didn't.

 

And he was gone when Taka finally managed to get out of the toilet after what it seems like eternity. Toru-san was _gone_ , leaving the mess of sheets on his bed— _the hell, can't you fucking fix it before leaving you free-loading shit?! I'm not your maid, dammit!_ He didn't left any note, any message, any king of shits that would clarify things, that would lift the heavy feeling off Taka's chest.

 

He was gone, taking a _piece_ of Taka's heart with him.

  
...

  
_Wow_. That's _cheesy_ as fuck. It's not like Toru-san had _died_. It's not like they had _broken up_ because they're _not_ even in a relationship in the first place, damn it! They're just... _friends_.

 

_Close_ friends.

 

Who kissed rather _passionately_ last night.

 

_Ugh_!

 

_Maybe I should just sleep,_ he lazily thought as he trudged towards his bedroom. He would contact their leader when he wakes up. He would deal with all of this mess when he wakes up. He just wishes that he's gonna get some rest for the mean time.

 

Too bad, he dreamt of Toru-san's signature impassive face staring at him from afar.

 

* * *

 

 

 

His problems hadn’t disappeared when he woke up hours later. Aside from the less pain he can fell on his head, _nothing_ really happened. It was past twilight when he grogilly pushed himself off his bed and walked like a zombie towards his kitchen. He had half-expected that there will be a _certain_ guitarist waiting for him to wake up, casually lounging in the living area with Taka’s guitar perched on his lap as he snacked upon Taka’s stash of food as if he fucking _owned_ it, the soft sound of strumming his guitar echoing in the background before he would look up and gently smile at Taka—

 

But _no_.

 

His breath hitched at that thoughts.

 

Taka sighed in disappointment as he realized that he was all alone, the dark, empty living room greeting him like a fucking bitch.

 

_I should call him…_ he thought as he helplessly plopped on the couch, his eyes darting on the furniture—where all the shits happened last night—eyeing it as if it personally offended him. _I really, really should call him and…and tell him…_

 

Tell him _what_?

 

He froze at that.

 

What would he tell Toru-san? What _excuse_ can he make for pouncing on their poor guitarist? That he was just _teasing_ him? That he was just _horny_ as fuck? That Toru-san should’ve just slapped him across his pathetic face to prevent him from kissing him? That Taka is getting more scared as minutes, as hours ticked by without hearing anything from their leader? That Toru-san should better haul his ass back to Taka’s unit or else…or else he’ll break down again like the pathetic wuss he is?

 

_No, no. I can’t tell him that._

 

That will just… _complicate_ things.

 

As if it’s not _already_ complicated, he scoffed, turning his head towards the window of their unit. It was dead silent inside, and Taka can feel his breathing growing erratic. The walls seemed coming closer towards him, threatening to suffocate him and kill him.

 

_I…I…_

 

He stared at the phone across him. No wonder why it’s not on his bedside table. He probably left it here on the coffee table while he was busy… _ravaging_ his underclassman last night. Just…just the thought of those hot scenes make Taka’s face starts to burn like crazy. _Holy shit, s_ ince when did he find those sounds, find those movements, find those facial expressions _arousing_?!

 

_Holy crap!_

 

Toru-san is a man!

 

He cringed at that thought. He’s not…gay. Right?

 

Of course, no one answered him. No one’s around so it will be super creepy to hear some unfamiliar voice rasping out a confirmation or some shit. So he just groaned and stared at his phone as if it holds all the answers to his problems.

 

Then, the _son of a bitch_ started ringing. And Taka _didn’t_ freaked the hell out, _didn’t_ almost stumble down on the floor because of the sheer shock when the shrill sound of his ringtone pierced the creepy silence of his house.

 

W-what the fuck?!

 

He snatched the phone and answered it without even looking at the caller ID—because a part of him knows that it’s Toru-san—

 

“Hello?”

 

—only to have his eardrums blasted by Tomoya’s equally shrilly voice, “Hey, Taka-chan~!”

 

Oh god. _Why am I even surprised that Toru-san won’t call me?_

 

He pouted and debated on dropping the call because he’s not really in the mood to be patient with their drummer’s… _insanely_ bubbly personality at the moment. In fact, just imagining Tomoya’s bright smile can already make his head spin and hurts like he’s been hit by a fucking _bulldozer_.

 

“What,” he spat, earning a surprised sound from the drummer.

 

“Are you alright, Taka-chan?” he asked.

 

No.

 

“I’m fine,” he said, wondering when did he started to be so casual about lying, “Just a bit…hung over from last night. What’s up?”

 

“Ehhh, that’s awful. You should drink more water. Wait, do you want me to get over there and make something for you—,”

 

“Tomoya,” he snapped, voice clipped and firm, “Say what you want. 20 words or less or I’ll fucking end this conversation!”

 

“Geez!” Taka can visuazlised the pained pout on the drummer’s face, “I’m just worried about you! You haven’t picked up your phone and I’m already calling your for three hours!”

 

What.

 

“Then we called Toruge but he’s also not answering his phone,” Taka swallowed audibly at the mention of their leader’s name—well, Tomoya’s silly nickname for Toru-san. He’s not answering calls? So…so if Taka decided to call him earlier, then his message would just be delivered to his voice mail?

 

_Is he avoiding me..?_

 

“Ryota said that he might be still sleeping but isn’t it too much?!” Tomoya made a strangled sound on the other line, probably realizing that he still hasn't divulged whatever he’s wanting to say, “Anyway, Porno-san asked us for a barbecue get-together tomorrow! It’s summer and we should hang out with other guys from Amuse, right?! We’re going to the barbecue, right?!”

 

Right. Summer is just around the corner. And hanging out with the other artists from the same agency while eating barbecue along the river banks is a nice way to spend it. But…but…

 

But what if they decided to come, and Toru-san was there, looking away— _away from me_ —pretendening that _everything_ is okay between them even if it’s obviously not? What if Toru-san would ignore his presence the entire time and Taka would have to practically _beg_ for the guitarist’s attention all day long?

 

He wouldn’t be able to take it.

 

Because…because just by imagining those scenes right now…it feels like someone is slicing his chest to rip his heart— _piece by piece._ It’s all his fault. If he hadn’t drank too much last night…if he just listened to Toru-san that they’re not supposed to be doing it…that Taka was not supposed to kiss him just to teach him a lesson then…

 

Then everything would be _fine_.

 

Toru-san would be _here_.

 

They will be having a fun barbecue tomorrow.

 

But no. Taka has been drowned with negative emotions last night. He wanted to forget how those girls demeaned him and his leader so he drank and drank until all of his reservations went out of the fucking window. Toru-san was saying the right thing, trying to stop him but what did he did?

 

The fucking _complete_ opposite of it.

 

And because Toru-san is a huge _gentleman_ , he allowed it. Probably because he doesn’t want to _hurt_ Taka’s feeling by pushing him away. Probably because he’s scared of pushing someone away, or just because he genuinely wanted to learn how to…k- _kiss_ …someone.

 

Even if Taka is a man.

 

“—chan? Taka-chan? Are you still alive?!”

 

Tomoya’s loud, high-pitched voice pulled him out of his dazed state. He blinked away the unshed tears that somehow glazed over his eyes while he was busy…overthinking stuffs.

 

“O-of course I am!” _god_ , he hated how his voice cracked at that. Suddenly, Taka wanted to whine like a small boy and ask the drummer to come over so he can tell him all his _fears_ , his _insecurities_ , his _anxieties_ like how a younger brother would come running towards his _oniichan_ but then, Taka was not sure if he’s…ready to spill out the beans about what happened last night.

 

_What would they think of me if they’ll know that I…that I kissed Toru-san?!_

 

_They…they would definitely looked at me in disgust and fear and…and they will definitely kick me out of the band because they don’t need someone who’s willing to just kiss with the other members whenever he’s shit-faced drunk!_ And…and somehow, that thought even scares him the most because this band is his life.

 

If…if they decided to kick him out of ONE OK ROCK, then Taka…Takahiro will…

 

_I will surely die,_ he grimly thought as he heaved once more.

 

“If you say so,” Tomoya shrugged after a while of contemplation, “But, we’re going to the barbecue right?! Right?!”

 

“Eh…” Taka drawled, massaging the bridge of his nose, “I don’t know—,”

 

“But _whyyy_!!!” the drummer whined like a pig about to become a steak, “I mean, that’s _meat_ , Taka-chan! Meat! Meat! Meat! Me—,”

 

“Ow, shut the fuck up!” he snapped, earning a giggle from the other line, “ _Mou_ , if you want to eat meat that bad just fucking get your ass over here! I’ll stuff some in your mouth, moron!”

 

“T-that’s awful!” he cringed before suddenly adapting an almost whispering voice, “Seriously though, are you alright, Taka-chan? You’re making me worry, you know?”

 

“I—!”

 

Something about Tomoya’s low voice, something about his gentle tone makes Taka’s eyes sting with tears and make his throat constrict as hell just by hearing it. It makes him feel weak, makes him feel that it’s alright to talk to the drummer because he would understand him—because they’re _band_ _mates_ , because they’re _friends_ , because they’re _family_.

 

But in the end, he couldn’t. He _wouldn’t_.

 

“I’m just…” he croaked, glancing at the clock hanging on the wall, “I’m just not feeling well, Tomoya…I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to the barbecue tomorrow too since it’s too hot outside—,”

 

“ _Jaa_ , shall we just hang out in your unit—,”

 

“No! I-I mean, maybe you should just all go—all of you—then I’ll try to follow afterwards, ne?” he said, emphasis on the word _try_. Hell, he’s not even gonna attempt to move out of his house in the next few days, he decided. He’ll just…walk out of his unit when Gocchan demands him to, or when they would perform in some live houses or something.

 

“But Takahiro…”

 

Taka flinched at that. _Gone_ were the silly nickname for him. And that means that Tomoya is clearly distressed because of his shittiness.

 

“It’s fine,” he reassured, “Just…just tell the others that I’m still hung over or something. I’ll try to go tomorrow, ne? Just message me if something urgent came up.”

 

“Taka—,”

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, _aho_!” he said before ending the call and throwing the phone somewhere near his feet. It’s already dark outside but Taka can still feel the sweltering heat of the Tokyo summer. The drones of the vehicles passing on the roads somewhat calmed him, his eyes watching the play of lights on his blank wall whenever a car would pass by.

 

He looked up at the ceiling and _think_.

 

And think until his brain starts to hurt and until he reached a decision that will definitely change everything from then on.

 

_If I want it, I’ll do it._

 

If not…

 

_I…_

 

He squeezed his eyes shut, all the memories since meeting Toru-san _burning_ and playing beneath his eyelids as he slowly come into a decision.

 

_I’ll quit._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh crap.crap.
> 
> How was it? Please tell me what you think~!
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> -Porno-san is Porno Graffiti. Asking OOR for a barbecue gathering was legit. I think it can be found in Fhime's radio translations, but I can't provide the link coz I'm updating from my phone.


	25. Kasabuta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caught in the act of fleeing.
> 
> "That's your purpose since beginning, right?  
> You know that you're good at approaching, right?
> 
> Don't ask anything other than that  
> You're supposed to understand, but why?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I'm back with a short, nonsense chapter~! This is taking too long but I promise that they will have the confrontation shits next week. I actually finished writing it just last night and it was so fucking long I almost died. 
> 
> And so without further ado~!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

  
Toru was a coward.

 

Like, a big, fat, cowardly _asshole_ who would rather run away from his problems— _A.K.A._ the reactions of Moriuchi Takahiro after he had puked _whatever_ was left of his internal organs earlier—than face it head on like he usually did since he started the band.

 

When Taka disappeared into the toilet and started retching again, instead of actually helping him out, Toru chose to gather all of his stuffs— _which is not much, just his phone, keys, wallet and shoes—_ and flee like a goddamned _robber_ in the middle of the night. Except that it wasn’t _midnight_ , and instead of the cold, starless sky, Toru was forced to walk under the _smoldering_ heat of the blazing sun back to his unit.

 

The trip home feels like hell. No, it’s not just because the sun is shining rather _passionately_ down at him, but because of his mind thinking things over and over again. Toru is scared that every person he walks past can see _everything_ he’s thinking, if they can see the flashbacks of the events last night, if they can see the gigantic fear forming within his chest, if they can see his deepest desire to just _fuck_ everything else— _turn around_ and briskly walk towards the vocalist's unit, embrace him and cling to him like a koala and bask in his warmth as he whispher soothing words to calm both of them.

 

But he _didn't_.

 

Because he's a coward. Like a huge cowardic asshole. He had said it already but he wanted to say it again because _why the fuck not?_

 

He's so so scared that he almost shit in his pants earlier. In fact, he can still feel himself shaking even when he got home. He even almost trip on his face as he hastily went inside his unit, immediately locking the door behind him— _even the windows_ —just to make sure that Taka won't be able to waltz into his unit and just... _stab_ him to death or something—before heading straight to the bathroom.

 

He took a long, _long_ shower—washing the smell of alcohol and cigarettes— _yes_ , he's been smoking since he left the vocalist's unit—from his body. He tried to wash away the echo of Takahiro's _touches_ but those seem to be burned under his skin. His _taste_ , the _feeling_ of his skin gliding against his own, his _scent_ , those muffled _sounds_ —they were all burned deep into Toru's mind. Like some kind of unwanted brand engraved onto him, making his body reacts just by recalling it—

 

"Go _down_!" he hissed, glaring the ever-living daylights out of his semi-erection, "Aren't you tired of getting up without having any form of _release_?!"

 

_Wow_.

 

_Way to talk to your dick like that._ Holy shit, look how Taka's kisses had fucked up his mind! Maybe he should also start talking to animals? But that would probably just make him look like some _sleep-deprived_ Disney princess lost in the middle of Tokyo. And some people might even call the nearest mental asylum to " _rescue_ " him or something, so, no thanks _, I guess?_

 

...

 

Anyways.

 

Toru drowned himself in trying to play the chords meant for the lead guitarist in their songs. Their debut album is almost already done—the last single will be completed as soon as they came up with the lyrics—so he really should focus on doing important stuffs like rehearsing.

 

_"You don't even need another guitarist!"_

 

But since the words of those girls were still ringing in his ears, he decided to try Alex-senpai's parts in their newest single. The riffs were heavy, making it really like an emotional song. The instrumentals were already done but the lyrics...He don't know what came unto him— _insecurity, envy maybe?_ —because the next thing he realized was him failing majestically on trying those riffs. What the hell. Why can Alex-senpai do it without even breaking a sweat?! He's not even a real mucisian in the first place!

 

...

 

Well, maybe he has been playing electric guitars since his younger years but...but how did he became so good at it? While Toru is...Toru is...

 

He huffed in frustration, perching his guitar on his lap as he stared at the blank wall across him. It's getting dark, so he probably lost track of time while he's busy attempting to play the parts that weren't even meant for hin. Tha air inside his unit is stale, filled with the stench of smoke, which makes him cringe because there's no doubt that Taka would attack him with a _broom_ for not opening his goddamned windows to allow fresh air into the room.

 

He paused at that.

 

Oh.

 

_As if he'll even try to come here anymore..._

 

He sighed, strumming a bit more—the sharp, raw sounds of his electric guitar echoing in the silence of his home. He wonders what this feeling is...

 

He wonders if it will be nice to be the lead guitarist _someday_. Wouldn't that be great? Would he be as cool— _ugh, am I really admitting this_ —as Alex-senpai? Would he be able to hit those notes, move his fingers across the instrument so smoothly? Would he be able to perform those guitar solos thay Alex-senpai were doing till now? Will...

 

Will Taka be _proud_ of him?

 

_"You can say whatever you want to tell me, but don’t fucking—and I mean, ever—dare to talk shit about my guitarist!”_

 

Oh, shit, shit!

 

_Wrong fucking move!_

 

Now he's getting all scared and depressed again! Genius, Toru! Way to fucking torture your poor, _poor_ heart! It's a _wonder_ how you're heart still hasn't left you for all the shits it went for you!

 

He pulled a deep, _deep_ sigh and glanced at the soft, red orange sunlight filtering through his curtains. Damn, he's not really good in thinking about stuffs...or just thinking in general. That's the exact reason why he did not went to university after high school!

 

Maybe he should just...

 

_I'm so tired_...

 

His brain feels like it's about to explode any moment from now. It needs a break, a small time to rest and think about things because locking himself in his unit is obviously not working.

 

_Maybe I need more fresh air..._

 

For some unknown reason, his mind went to have a flashback when he was still a puny little kid back in Osaka. Whenever he got into a fight—which is very _rare_ coz Toru doesn't always resort to violence, except when he's getting bullied for his lanky frame or for the silly girls following him around—his _nii-chan_ would always bring him into the river banks for a walk. He doesn't really understand what's so great in walking in a grassy inclined path but he _adored_ his brother so much that he would just blindly follow after him like a little duckling. Even if he practically sold out his brother to their father when he brought his porn magazine ro him.

 

_T-that was just an accident! I'm just curious because the cover is so sparkly and has some girls like in our anatomy class! I didn't even know that he'll be scolded for that!_

 

Heck, Toru doesn't even know what a porn magazine was back then!

 

A-anyway, his Nii-chan would often tell him that walking will help Toru calm down— _pffft! As if I need to be calmed down, I'm always calm!_ —and it will allow him to think of things properly. Which doesn't makes sense to his eight-year old self but hey, he did forgot his childish anger upon playing in the shallow waters and catching some small ( _poor baby_ ) fish so maybe his older brother was _actually_ right?

 

Eh...

 

_Maybe I should do that!_

 

In a flash, Toru had dressed— _lightly_ , because the night breesze is still somewhat hot and humid as fuck—and packed his old acoustic guitar into its case. If he would hurry, he could still make it to the last train to...

 

Wait— _am I really going back to Osaka just to what, take a walk along a river?!_

 

Holy shit, that's a crazy idea!

 

And also somewhat _suicidal_ because he'll definitely be late for tomorrow's rehearsal and gig!

 

But on the other hand, he needs to get away...even for just a bit because this place reminds so much of the _emptiness_ Taka had caused...because this place is so silent without the vocalist's _laughter_ , his ever-pretty _voice_ , his _presence_ that it starts to suffocate him...

 

_I'll... Just for a bit..._

 

He was too lost in his thoughts that he failed to notice the trepid rustlings just beyond his door. He will go, he decided. He will leave his phone here—or wherever he had tossed it earlier—so that Taka, and the other members of the band won't have any way of reaching him.

 

_Just a few hours on my own..._

 

He took a deep breath and turned the knob, pulling the door open to reveal a shell-shocked and flustered-looking _Moriuchi Takahiro_ standing across the threshold—with a fist raise into the ait as if he's gonna knock on the door if Toru didn't just pulled it open.

 

Oh fu—

 

What the hell!

 

Why is the man he's planning the man he's planning to avoid for, like, the rest if his life— _LOL just kidding, maybe just for this night_ —why is the man who's causing him so much _pain_ , so much _anguish_ , so much _fear_ yet so _so_ much _happiness_ is here at his doorstep?!

 

What the fuck!

 

Toru must've pissed off some god at some point because this was _ridiculous_. And mortifying. In fact, he instantly went speechless just by the sight of their vocalist. Like he had swallowed a shit-ton of cotton balls or something. Heck, it's even worse than waiting for some action from an unresponsive audience like they had in Monster Bash months ago!

 

But hey, his face is probably like a mirror to Taka's facial expressions. After the older teen had glanced at him from head to toe, Taka's face morphed from _shocked_ to _disbelief_ to _hurt_ to _betrayal_ then _anger_ before he masked it fown with an apathetic face. But Toru still took it all because he would not get tired of watching those flicker of emotions as they danced across Taka's face...because he's a total _creep_.

  
A total _homo_ -creep for this merciless guy who wouldn't even give him a day— _or hours_ —to fucking rehabilitate and mend his broken— _no, shattered to fucking thousands of pieces is probably the right word_ —heart.

 

Taka awkwardly cleared his throat. And put his fist down because he probably noticed how silly he looks like that...like your typical _make_ -neko in the local shopping districts.

 

It was dark outside but the dim light coming from his unit is enough to see the red, puffy eyes of their vocalist. He looked flustered, hair messily tucked under his usual cap. He's wearing a black shirt which looked like it hasn't been ironed for _decades_ and a loose denim pants. The usual accessories—bracelet, watch, necklace, and sunglasses—adorning his body is nowhere to be found which made Toru wonder if Taka actually planned on visiting him or he just acted on a _whim_ , on _instinct_ , the way Toru's about to run off somewhere.

 

Somewhere _without_ Taka, preferably.

 

Temporarily.

 

Was he crying earlier?

 

Was the kiss too _horrible_ for him to cry a river over it?!

 

_Is that why he's looking like he's being torn between hugging me—hah! I wish!—and throttle me to death?!_

 

Toru's hand itched to reach forward and brush his fingers over those irritated skin under Taka's eyes but the vocalist suddenly spoke.

 

"W-where..." the older teen asked, making Toru winced inwardly at the rough sound of that voice, " _Where are you going, Toru-san?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh ho.
> 
> -I think, somewhere in their younger years, Toru must have felt quote interior to Alex-senpai. Maybe he also felt like wanting to be the lead guitarist in the future hence why he did not allow another person to enter their band after the incident. I mean, he's also a human with veeeery human-like emotions so it's justifiable, nah?
> 
> -All of you probably knows the Toru-bringing-his-brother's-porn-to-their-father antic. It was totaly legit. 
> 
>  
> 
> Ah I'm dragging this shit for far too long now. I'm so sorry for that.
> 
> Still, please tell me your thoughts! 
> 
> Thank you for reading~!


	26. Never Let This Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taka is getting desperate. Second to the last part of this crappy arc.
> 
> "Tell me why did you turn your back right to me  
> You drive me crazy!
> 
> We just carry on our relation that we can’t keep anymore  
> But we have to make it for us ’cause I’m never gonna make it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why does it seems so long since I've posted an update? Huuuuh. Anyways, this is really getting longer and shiitier. Ah, so fucking lame. Like my social skills.  
> Anyways, this is supposed to be longer but I couldn't finish it because of work and watching (reading) some good RP stuffs soooo. Also, damn that toruka moment in the Day 2 of their Dome Tour. God, why are they like that?! Why can't they just kiss and fuck and let us all be happy--ehem.
> 
> Here's the update~!
> 
> I apologize in advice for the shitty chapter. And grammar mistakes.
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine.

_Well..._ Taka thought, _that sucks..._

He sighed, sliding further down on his seat, his eyes trained on the glass window of the JR Yamanote line they're currently into. They— _as in Toru-san and him—_ heck, he thought that he'll have a very _looong_ and serious conversation with the guitarist about what happened last night but _look at that_ —

He hadn't expected to see the leader _all dressed up_ , with his guitar case strapped on his back like he's a burglar about to flee and never to come back. He knows that it's irrational as fuck but, _hey_ —it just scared him to think that that Toru-san would _actually_ leave...

_Y-you promised me—_

...that Toru-san would actually turn his back and leave him behind just because of a _stupid_ kiss.

_—that...that you won't ever leave me, ever—_

That's why he felt this…rush of pain and betrayal and anger into his bloodstream—because that's what you do when you caught the most important person in your life trying to escape and avoid for _god knows how long_.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"O-Osaka," Taka's stinging eyes snapped towards the exhausted face of their leader, "I'm going back to Osaka. For a walk."

...

"..." Taka audibly gulped, confused, because Toru-san's mind probably exploded yesterday, hence why he’s thinking of going to _motherfucking_ Osaka just to take a goddamned walk. “Seriously?!”

“Yes,” Toru-san deadpanned.

“Oh. _Okay_ ,” he sighed, mustering all the courage to control the sudden emotions which were about to bubble out of his chest—must stay _calm_ , must not _bitch out_ , must not _yell_ — _Oh, fuck it!_

“Anyway, what do you need—,”

“What do I _need_?!” he asked in a suddenly high-pitched voice that would put a high school girl to shame, “What do I need, you’re really asking me that, you fucking coward?!”

Toru-san looks like he’s about to respond to that. And god, if the guitarist would say anything similar to _“That’s what I just asked_ ” or _“You’re the only one here, so I’m obviously asking you”—_ Taka would surely hurl this huge asshole towards the railing of that corridor.

So, even before Toru-san can realize what’s coming onto him, Taka is already latching on him—kicking and punching the guitarist like a professional kick boxer who wanted to beat the ever-living crap out of a punching bag. A punching bag that can fucking fight back.

“Ow, ow!” Toru-san hissed when Taka’s nails came into contact with his exposed neck, “The _fu_ —stop hitting me!”

“Then stop running away!” he shrieked, pushing the stray hair fanning on his face. His cap was long gone—yes it was expensive as fuck, but he couldn’t care less. Not until he had pulverized this _ikemen’s_ face!

Taka felt _livid._

He’s so angry that Toru-san would easily abandon him without even listening to his explanations—the _same Toru-san_ who promised that he would always be at Taka’s side no matter what happens—the _same Toru-san_ that would always, _always_ crash into a decision, head-first and full of passion and confidence…not this…not _this…_

“I’m not running away!” the guitarist hissed, tracing the red lines on his pale skin, “Who even told you that I’m running away, Taka?!”

“Then why are you going to Osaka!?”

“I told you! For a walk!”

“ _Nobody_ goes to Osaka just to take a walk, you _dumb fuck_!”

Toru-san visibly flushed at that, like a kid caught in doing a naughty act, “Don’t shout at me in the hallway! And it’s not stupid! I just…I just need some time to myself to think of…things…”

 _Things_ , Taka inwardly scoffed, _like what happened last night._

Of course.

But Taka won’t allow him out of his sight. _Never_. They need to talk as soon as possible or he’ll just explode into bits of bones and flesh and blood.

Eww. _Gross._

“Then, I’ll go with you!” he haughtily declared.

“The fuck?!” Toru-san groaned, his fingers curling and uncurling like he’s having an internal debate whether to strangle Taka or not, “What part of _I just need some time to myself_ you don’t understand?!

“But you’ll run away if I let you out of my sight!” he insisted, before cringing at his cheesy words. He sounds like a clingy, obsessive girlfriend. Boyfriend. Friend. Person. _What-the-fuck-ever_. Holy shit, since when did Taka started spewing out weird stuffs like that? _It’s probably Toru-san’s fault! That must be it_ , he mentally nodded.

“ _Da-ka-ra_ ,” he patiently said, “I’m not running away!”

“Then why did you left me earlier?!” he retorted, feeling smug when all the colors drained from the already pale face of their guitarist. He didn’t intend to sound so _harsh_ , so _bitter_ , so _remorseful,_ but he’s _hurt_ , he’s _confused_ , and so, _so vulnerable_ that he couldn’t stop the words from flying out of his dumb, _dumb_ mouth, “I thought that you’ll stay with me! That you’re always gonna be at my side! Always! _Always!_ So why—,”

Oh God, you clingy, _needy_ motherfucker!

_Don’t be such a fucking wimp, you—_

But no, his eyes suddenly grew a mind of their own because even if Taka is _dying_ to avoid making a fool of himself, his vision immediately went blurry as tears glazed over his eyes. He knows that he’s being immature and unfair to Toru-san but he couldn’t help it. It’s all his fault that Toru-san _won’t look_ at him now, won’t smile and smirk at him _anymore_ , won’t pat him and ruffle his hair tenderly _anymore_ just because he couldn’t act like an adult when completely drunk.

“Taka—,”

“—why are you leaving me, you asshole!?” he screamed, tears cascading on his (chubby) scarlet cheeks, “You don’t even answer my calls! You won’t even answer Tomoya’s calls! It’s like you fucking disappeared from the face of the earth! I was so _worried_ , you dipshit! So I went here, even if I’m not sure if you’re here or not, just to _see what_? See you all-ready to go to Osaka to take a goddamned walk!?” he ranted out, words coming out of his mouth like bullets from a machine gun. He then narrowed his eyes in contempt, in pain, in betrayal, “ _How dare you_?!”

“Shhh, Taka, will you fucking calm down!?” the leader went forward, gripping his shoulders to shake some sense into him. That, or he’s just enjoying seeing Taka’s head loll back and forth like a stupid nodding toy dog on a dashboard of a car, “No one’s leaving you—I’m not leaving you, so stop crying! My neighbors would have my ass arrested for causing commotion in the hallways—,”

“He shrugged the guitarist’s hands from his shoulder, “I don’t give a fuck!”

“Well, I _vaguely_ give a fuck,” the leader said through clenched teeth, “It’s not like I’m gonna be away for years! It will be hours at most! I will be back before rehearsal, okay?”

“No.”

“Taka…”

Ah.

How he wanted to yield at that low, almost pleading voice that Toru-san usually used whenever he wanted Taka to obey his words like an obedient little puppy—but this time, he wouldn’t. And it’s not just because the guitarist’s fingers somehow managed to went on his face, gently brushing away the tears that had smeared on his cheeks without a _fucking hint of hesitation._

_I thought that he’ll be disgusted at me…_

“Look,” Toru-san softly caressed his jawline in a strange manner, gentle— _loving?_ —manner, “I just need some time alone, ne? Without noise and other people. I think walking alone along a river will help me do that so…I’ll be back as soon as I can, ne?”

“I can go with you!” he said before trying to bargain, intentionally raising and changing the pitch of his voice the way he do when talking to girls. He just hopes that Toru-san won’t _smack_ him in the head for trying his “ _flirty_ ” voice towards him, “I promised I won’t talk?”

To his surprise— _and utter humiliation_ —the guitarist let out a soft chuckle at his pathetic attempt on bargaining, “You’re not gonna talk?! Hah! We can’t even last a minute without shouting at each other!”

“Oh, you fucking son of a—,”

“See! This is _exactly_ what I’m talking about!” he said, his hand flailing on the small, small space between them to emphasize his point.

Taka felt himself went _batshit_ desperate at that.

“Then what do you _want_ me to do—,” he froze, suddenly scared that Toru-san would just bluntly say something like _“leave me alone, you disgusting piece of shit,”_ making his eyes widened in horror, “—do you…do you want me to _beg_? On my knees—,”

“WHAT—,”

Taka was too _scared,_ too _insecure_ , too _lost and drowning_ with his thoughts that he easily sank on his knees— _pride be all damned to hell_ —making Toru-san’s eyes widened like saucers in disbelief as he tried—and failed—to pull Taka back on his feet.

“Because I would do that you ass! Just take me with you! _I don’t care_ if you wanna walk in Okinawa—,”

Toru-san tugged on his arm, “Jesus, Taka, stand up—,”

“Or in Sapporo—just— _just_ don’t fucking leave me tonight alone with my thoughts because I would surely _die_!”

The moment those words left his mouth, Toru-san is already crouching down on his level—at the same time Taka was looking up—making their foreheads hit each other’s—

“Fuck!”

“Ouch!”

—with a loud _BUMP!_ The force was too intense that it made Taka tumbled on his back, like a helpless tortoise running on its back, as his hands cradled his probably now-reddening forehead.

_“Itetetetetete!”_

He must’ve looked ridiculous lying on the floor like that because Toru0san was glaring at him one moment before he did a double take on Taka’s shitty predicament and mess of a crying face, then he’s already howling in laughter the next.

“A-ahahahahaha!!!”

“Don’t fucking laugh, you jerk!” he hissed before rolling on his side and slowly pushed himself off the concrete floor, “That hurts! What’s your head even made of, Toru-san?!”

The guitarist could’ve answered him immediately—or even help him get up like any _good friend_ would do—if he was not just busty sitting on his haunches, his guitar case strapped haphazardly on his back as he tried to reign his annoying laughter in.

“Y-you look like shit—ahahahahaha--,”

“Oh for the love of god—,”

“L-like a turtle hahaha—,”

“Now you’re asking for it!” he said, his cheeks burning with humiliation but instead of slapping the shits out of the guitarist’s annoyingly handsome face, Taka’s fist went straight towards the hem of Toru-san’s shirt and gripped it tightly with his fingers.

…

Well…it’s probably the biggest plot-twist of the century because Toru-san obviously did expected that turn of events. He looks like he’s about to push Taka away and run for his damn life or something, so imagine he’s surprise when Taka didn’t resort into any form of violence this time.

…

”What…” Toru-san slowly said, looking at Taka’s scalding-hot face before glancing won on the hands clutching at his clothes—so tight that he almost ripped the fabric down and exposed the guitarist’s shoulder, “Why are you getting me naked here, Taka—,”

“I’m not!” he hotly said, looking away as the leader struggled to correct the neckline of shirt, “But I just wanna make sure that you won’t run away from me, jerk!”

“Sounds funny coming from the _one_ who’s always running away from me when I tried to recruit him into the band,” the leader smartly said, making Taka inwardly cringed.

“That’s because you’re a creep! And a stalker!”

“Ouch,” the guitarist feigned hurt in his voice, “I already told you, it’s just a persuasive tactic—,”

“Well, no one believes that _bullshit_ anymore, Toru-san,” he bluntly said before his shoulders slumped down, “besides, isn’t it exactly the point? _I_ was the one who’s constantly running away—running away from _my past_ , from _my problems_ , from _you_ —so why… _why_ are you trying to run away from me now?”

Somehow, Taka had genuinely expected the guitarist to deny it, but no, he just grunted in defeat as he wordlessly stood up—taking Taka with him because _there’s no way in hell_ that he would let go, even if he actually did get Toru-san _naked_ right there and then—and cementing the fact that he’s, indeed, trying to avoid Taka for some unknown reason.

Unknown?

 _Isn’t it because you kissed him last night like a horny dog or something_ , his mind helpfully said which doesn’t make any sense because he’s not even sure if dogs can kiss or something.

_Hnnn._

_But they can certainly lick_ , like how Taka did last night on Toru-san’s lips and mouth—

He internally slapped himself for having inappropriate thoughts at the moment. It was so out of the context, _seriously._

“Fine,” Toru-san finally yielded, making Taka threw an imaginary party in his head, “Let’s go. But don’t fucking talk, or I swear—,”

Toru-san didn’t have to finished those threats because Taka is already enthusiastically nodding in agreement.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

So they went out.

But instead of Osaka, they—or Toru-san, to be exact, because he did a monologue earlier about fare rates and travel time—decided to just find the nearest river s Toru-san could have his walk, and that Taka could have the talk afterwards.

So they—Toru-san, because Taka is still keen on not uttering any damn word—settled for Meguro river. It’s quite famous for the Hanami but it’s already summer so the crowd would be thinnest at this time, making it a perfect place for Toru-san to have a time for himself.

With Taka tagging along, of course.

_Hehe._

So, everything was fine and dandy with Toru-san sporting his usual _resting bitch face_ and Taka smiling like an idiot without actually talking for an hour now. Until they went to the train station to get tickets.

He took a hand off Toru-san's clothes and patted the pockets of his jeans to get his wallet but no—it’s not there _like WTF did someone snatched_ it while he was busy clinging to Toru-san’s clothes?! But no, his phone is still there so he might’ve left it somewhere…obviously in his house, in his hurry to find Toru-san and talk to him.

_Holy…_

His eyes widened at the horrible, horrible predicament he’s into. Cold sweat broke from his skin as he inwardly panicked while Toru-san is bust checking the right station towards the Meguro river.

 _…crap!_ Toru –san would _skin_ him alive for having no money! Not even a single cent on him! He cringed, remembering all the shits he carelessly said earlier. So much for the _“I-don’t-care-if-you-wanna-walk-in-Okinawa-or-Sapporo”_ drama he pulled off earlier!

“Apparently,” Taka flinched when the guitarist turned towards him, “We have to get off at Meguro station, walk then take the Naka-Meguro Station of Hibiya Subway Line back to Shibuya later,” the gods must’ve hated him because Toru-san immediately noticed how he went extra quiet and restless, “hey, what’s wrong? Do you need to go to the toilet—,”

“No!”

—is what he wanted to yell but since he promised that not a single world would slip past his lips, he just opted for shaking his head. Aggressively.

Which obviously didn’t sit well with the ever-perceptive guitarist.

“Spit it out, Taka,” he ordered, “You’re seriously not gonna talk the entire time? What, do you wanna explode or something?”

He glared at their leader.

_Well, sorry for not wanting you to get angrier at me, you dumb fuck!_

But instead of retaliating like a bitchy asshole, he just sighed and averted his gaze, before softly, mumbling, “I forgot my pass and money—heck my entire wallet in my unit.”

Toru-san blinked down at him.

Taka cringed at that.

“So…” the guitarist slowly said—after a tensed silence between them. It was dead quiet, the synthetic voice of the announcer over the speakers and the footsteps around them were so loud in his ears, "So…Does that means what _I’m thinking_ right now?”

_What the hell are you even thinking, you dumb Gachapin?!_

“Yes,” Taka said through clenched teeth, “I’m broke as fuck at the moment?”

He winced. _Well, that sounds horrible._

Then, much to his horror, Toru-san suddenly—again—cackled in laughter, while pointing at Taka as if he’s some funny clown or someshit, “Pffft! Ahahahaha!!!”

Taka decided to glare at the floor. It’s the only thing he can do to prevent himself from just… _attacking_ this stupid snickering asshole across him. Maybe trailing behind Toru-san is _a bad idea_. Maybe he should’ve just fuck every formality and just scream all the things he wanted to say on this man’s face! Just to fucking get over it!

“Oh God,” Toru-san brushed an imaginary tear from his eye. “I never thought that this day would come! That the rich _bocchan_ will gonna be all dependent on me!”

…

Taka blankly stared at him.

What. The. Actual. _Fuck._

“I mean, you’re the one who’s always paying for me! Now it’s my turn!” the guitarist grinned down but Taka’s face remained impassive as he cocked his head in confusion. Was Toru-san _high_? What’s so fun in treating him for some lousy train ticket? Holy shit, what if Taka broke him for good?!

_How would the band live on without our leader?!_

“Then I would never let you off with this! You’ll be forever indebted to me!” and even before Taka can say “what the fuck,” Toru-san is already merrily hopping towards the ticketing booth—

“Hey!” Taka spluttered as he was practically dragged behind, “Slow the fuck down, _mou_!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

And so they've got their tickets, with Toru-san grinning like the bastard he is while Taka is pouting and sulking—his hands still locked on the guitarist’s clothes. He thought that they would finally be on their merry way towards the river but no, taka was once again stomped by another dilemma.

“You have to let go of me, Taka,” the guitarist whispered as they fall into a line towards the turnstiles, “It’s only meant for one person at a time, ne?”

“I fucking know that!” he defended.

“Then let go of my clothes.”

“Don’t wanna—,”

“Taka!”

The vocalist immediately let go of the guitarist’s now crumpled shirt when the leader used that specific tone—commanding and leaving no room for further arguments—that he _hates so much_. In an instant, Toru-san is already beyond the turnstiles while Taka was left fumbling with the ticket and how to use it or something. Add that to the crippling fear that Toru-san might just…leave him alone in the platform or something.

_Fucking finally!_

He roughly exhaled upon making it into the concourse. The crowd of people waiting for the next train—and his, gah, puny little height—makes it difficult to see the guitarist.

He was nowhere to be found.

_W-where is he—_

His eyes darted back and forth—the ugly feeling of _distrust and doubt_ crawling within him as he slowly— _painfully_ —realized that Toru-san had indeed ditched him—alone in the middle of an uncaring crowd. Penniless, worthless. He started to heave, as he blamed his stupid naivety for all the wrong things that ever happened to him.

— _Toru-san, Toru-san_ —

And just as he was about to shatter, just as he was about to break down, a familiar deep baritone called unto him—

“Taka?”

—making his head whipped towards the direction of that familiar voice. He looked behind him. The crowd magically dispersed, revealing the familiar frame of their guitarist. Toru-san looks like _shit_ standing like that on his crumpled black shirt. His hair is now getting longer, the circles under his eyes had grown deeper and darker just after a few hours of not seeing him. His eyes were wide and brows knitted in confusion and worry—his hand stretched towards him, beckoning the older teen to just grab it.

“What are you still doing there?”

But Taka has never been so happy to see him again—no matter how sappy that sounds.

“T-toru-san,” he choked back a sob as he padded towards the outstretched hand— waiting for him to grab it—and he has been a _fool_ to doubt him, a _fool_ to think that Toru-san had just left him, because there he is—

_There he is—_

He gripped the large, calloused hand— _tightly_ —making Toru-san winced in pain and shock—with his own shaking one. The guitarist chuckled for a moment before he squeezed his hand in _reassurance_ —like the million times he had done whenever they were holding hands—and patted his head with his free one. Toru-san didn’t asked if Taka was alright—because it’s _glaringly obvious_ that he isn’t—instead, he just smiled—his thin lips curling into the small smile he’s usually sporting, something that Taka was familiar with.

“It’s okay,” he said—whether if he’s telling Taka that he won’t leave him, he never knows—as he lead them towards the platform when the train halted a few feet away from them, “Don’t cry, _mou_. This is better than you ripping my clothes, right?”

Taka meekly nodded, brushing the tears away from his eyes. God, why is he so fucking easy to cry today?!

Of course it is.

It will _always_ be better than _anything._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe you should google Meguro River during Summer for the next chapter so even if I fail in describing it, you can still have a visual o the place.
> 
> Please give me some feedbacks about this chapter~! 
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> [EDIT] WELL, FUCK ME. This was supposed to be posted yesterday but apparently, instead of the POST button, I fucking hit the SAVE one. Holy crap, I'm so lame.


	27. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll risk everything if it's for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, you don't know how ecstatic I am to finally end their shitty misunderstandings. Great thanks to **Chris-Fainello** and **Darkwishes23** again!
> 
> I think I've already mentioned that this will be long but damn. I didn't expected it be this much! This is the longest single chapter I've ever written. I apologize for this.
> 
> Also, see Meguro River during summer so that you won't be confused at the first part of the chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Also, YUME YUME was played holy shit. Damn, the Dome Tour has been good to us. I hope that they would include those scenes in the WOWOW broadcast coz gaaaaaaaah (*drools all over the floor)

The ride went awfully silent. Instead of sitting beside him, Toru-san chose to occupy the seat across him ad put his earphones before letting out this dark _“don’t come near me”_ aura around himself. Taka could’ve protested against it—yanked the damn earphones away like a complete douchebag—but _darn it_ , he doesn’t want to push Toru-san’s limit anymore. The guitarist looks like he’s ready to _strangle_ Taka every time their gazes meet so he decided to be quiet for once.

Which is a _colossal pain in the ass_ , by the way.

He sighed, wondering if he should’ve just stayed in his unit and allow Tomoya to fuss over him. That kid— _even though he’s older than me_ —is perceptive enough that he won’t surely ask questions on why Taka looks like he had the weight of the entire universe resting on his shoulders. Taka would have just to feed his bottomless stomach and he’ll make it through the night without spending it alone.

But then again, nothing would happen if he just stay cooped up in his unit. He wouldn’t be able to see and talk to Toru-san if he remained brooding and miserable in his unit.

 _So this is better_ …he thought as he subtly glanced at their leader, _even if Toru-san is ignoring the fuck out of me._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The ride was shorter than Toru had expected. But being in the same train car with Taka and spending the entire time ignoring the _not-so secret_ glances the older teen is throwing at him makes it already felt like an _eternity_. They went out in the West exit and walked about five more minutes before reaching the riverside which was—

“The _fuck_?!” he snapped, looking back—no, _glaring_ —at the seemingly endless straight _uhm…_ river ahead of them, “This is _not_ a river!”

“What the hell is your problem _now_?!” Taka retorted beside him, and for a moment, Toru felt quite guilty because he had _totally_ forgotten that the vocalist is still there and clinging on his arms like a damn octopus, “It’s obviously a river, you _moron_!”

“But where’s the sloping banks?!” he gritted out, “This isn’t a real river! It looks like a fucking _huge canal_!” he pointed towards the retaining walls of the Meguro rover.

It’s not…like the typical river they have in Osaka because instead of sloping, grass-filled sides, it was made of concrete walls partially covered with ivies. There’s a shit-ton of Sakura trees with their ever-bright green leaves forming arches over the narrow canal— _because I still refuse to call this a river, mou!_ The entire river— _ugh_ —bank is illuminated by red and yellow lanterns, making the place dimly lit and a good place for romantic walks especially during the _Hanami_ or someshit.

Toru scowled at that, _romantic walks, my ass!_

“You do realize that we’re in Tokyo, huh, _country boy_?” Taka said in exasperation beside him, “This isn’t like your rivers in Osaka!”

“Thanks for stating the obvious and for the record—I’m _not_ a country boy!”

Toru almost throttled the vocalist when he arched a disbelieving brow at him, _must calm down, must calm down_ —

“Sure, _Kansai Boy_ —,”

“Why you—,”

“ _Mou_ , don’t be picky, Yamashita-kun~!” Taka teasingly said as he let go of his hand—which should make him feel relieved because he wanted to be away from him right? But no, instead he even almost _whine_ at the loss of contact, at the loss of warmth—before walking towards the steel guard rails on the river and leaned on it, “Just take your goddamned walk. I’ll just trail behind you so you won’t have to feel my presence or _someshit…_ ” he said in an obviously _forced_ flippant manner.

Ah. _Right._

He was supposed to take a walk to clear his mind.

And…

And Taka actually _thinks_ that he would just waltz along the river while trying to ignore the vocalist’s presence the entire time?! _What the hell_ —

_Don’t underestimate me!_

He angrily stalked towards the vocalist and grabbed his hand.

“Don’t push me _wah_ —,” Taka started to cuss but when he saw the intense—and probably pissed off-look on his face, he instantly shut up. _That_ , or he just realized that Toru is not pushing him to the river because he’s actually pulling him close.

“Let’s go, dumbass,” he said as he practically dragged the stupefied vocalist behind him. It was silent for the first few minutes and if not for the warm, feminine hand encased in his own, Toru would’ve thought that Taka isn’t here with him…that Taka isn’t even _real_.

He’s not _used_ to that.

He _prefers_ the annoyingly sassy and bitchy— _wow, Alex-senpai is really infecting me with his vocabulary huh_ —vocalist than this overly cautious and submissive— _huh, why does it sounds so wrong_ —Takahiro.

“W-what’s,” the vocalist stuttered behind him, “What’s this, Toru-san? I thought you want some time alone for yourself?”

“As if I could have that when _you’re_ here,” he snorted.

“WHAT.”

“Shut up,” he mumbled, “Just…just don’t make any more noise okay? Let me think in peace…”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

That was the _plan._

But after about two hours of walking in the riverbank under the moist night summer air, Toru was _fucking ready_ to jump into the river because of the fucking heat. Add that to the heavy guitar on his back. How can he even think seriously in these conditions?!

“No one told me that it’s a four kilometer walk!” he complained to no one in particular as they dragged their feet towards the concrete bench they saw near the seventh bridge traversing the river.

“Well, _fuck me_ ,” Taka sardonically said—making Toru think that it’s a _nice_ idea—as he unceremoniously plopped his ass onto the bench. He looked equally sweaty and exhausted and pissed—like how Toru probably also look at the moment, “No one also told me! I hope you’ve got your thinking _done_ Toru-san because that’s a fucking long walk!”

“Well, nobody asked you to tag along, _remember_?!”

“I wanted to talk to you, _remember_?!”

“ _Talk_ ,” he clacked his tongue as he settled beside the heavily disgruntled vocalist who’s currently using his cap to fan himself— _damn, lucky bastard_ —while Toru is carefully laying the guitar case on the ground beside his painful legs, “Right. You wanted to _talk_.”

“Don’t fucking rep[eat it! You’re annoying me!”

“Well, you’re _constantly_ annoying the shit out of me, but did you hear me _complainin_ g?”

“Yes,” Taka answered without missing a beat.

Toru blinked, “Oh.”

He really hates it whenever Taka is getting _smart-sy_ at him like this. His eyes then glanced over the vocalist’s flustered face. There are sweat blooming at the older teen’s temple and— _kami-sama, fuck me_ —Toru can’t help but to follow the trail of those droplets as they rolled onto Taka’s cheeks, his jaw, down to his neck before disappearing behind his seat-drenched shirt.

He gulped at that.

_Fuck me and my dirty mind._

_Fuck me very, very much._

He groaned. He needs to _focus_ , It’s not even a day since they were kissing each other and no one has even brought up the pink elephant in the room and look where Toru’s mind is already going— _deep down in a dirty gutter._

Focus.

 _Focus_.

But how can he, when Taka’s stomach is shamelessly roaring like a fucking dinosaur beside him—completely pulling him out of the dangerous train of thoughts.

“I’m hungry,” Taka said, patting his grumbling tummy and not even sounding apologetic for his monstrous stomach rumblings.

“You don’t saaay,” Toru drawled as he straightened his aching legs.

“I do say,” Taka nodded, “Go but me food, Toru-san, I’ll wait for you here—,”

“The _hell_?!” he glared at this little tyrant, “Did you just ordered me to buy your food?!”

Taka blinked owlishly up at him, “Yes, I did. If you’re just listening properly, Toru-san,” he then tilted his head and smiled so sweetly at him—which can only be translated as _“do you have any fucking problem with that, hmmm, Toru-saaaan?”_

…

Toru was _this_ close into shaking some sense into the older teen’s head. And by that he means that his patience is quickly thinning. He might just smack this bastard with his guitar or something.

“You’re talking as if you’re even giving me money for food!” he grumbled out.

“ _A-re…_ ” what happened to your shitty talk earlier, Toru-san?” he said, a large, teasing smile spreading across his full lips—lips that Toru wants to _devour_ at the moment—, “What was that again? Something like you being ecstatic with me being all dependent on you, hmmm?”

Toru clenched his jaws in pure annoyance. He wonders if he could get away after pushing this midget into the river. It’s kinda dark in their spot so no one will notice, right? _Right??_

_Ugh._

But no matter how suicidal Toru feels at the moment, he still couldn’t do it.

Because he’s _attracted_ to Takahiro.

And because he’s their _precious vocalist_.

And most importantly because Toru is still _exhausted_ from walking and because he’s also somewhat getting hungry.

…

Huh.

What’s with the _weird_ hierarchy of his reasoning?

Whatever.

He reluctantly yielded and stood up to the yakitori stand that was conveniently placed across them. _Well, that’s nice!_ And kinda _suspicious_ because the writer is probably just too last to search for some actual, real food-stands in the area—

“Tsk!” he clicked his tongue, “Come with me asshole. I don’t know how you want your meat!”

“Ouch! Even after all the times we spent eating together, Toru-san?!” Taka feigned hurt but obeyed nonetheless, leaving his cap and Toru's guitar on the bench.

They ordered two sticks for each other—because they’re _growing men_ who needs more food, well _Toru is_ a growing man. _I don’t know if it’s also the case with this midget_ —and waited for the meat to cook. Taka and Toru almost drooled all over the pavement as they watched the skewered chicken sizzling as they were being grilled on charcoal. _Damn_ , Tomoya would die of jealousy if he knew that they’re eating out!

Anyways, they spent the next few minutes in relative silence, which is nice and good, until Taka decided to open his goddamned mouth.

“This kinda looks like a _date_ , _ne_ , Toru-san?” Taka said, peering up from the meet across him, “Don’t you think so?”

“I don’t think so.”

Damn. That probably hurts so bad even the _vendor_ hissed.

…

They both glanced towards the vendor who suddenly turned his attention on his grilling meat as if it’s the most interesting thing in the world. Taka shrugged before glaring at him and muttering _“jerk!”_ under his breath.

Then the vocalist suddenly reached for a skewered chicken, making Toru jump away in _reflex_ and fear that the other teen would just… _stab_ him right there and then.

Taka and the—probably traumatized—vendor blankly stared at him.

Taka eyed him warily as if silently asking on what the fuck was wrong with him now. Toru felt foolish for jumping away like a frightened chicken, but _hey_ , in his defense, Taka can really stab someone who annoyed him so he might as well preserve his life or something, nah?

_That's called self-preservation!_

Anyways, Toru begrudgingly trudged towards the vocalist again and waited as the meat finally cooked. But even before the vendor can put them on their containers, Taka had already fished out his portions and muttered a brief _"Itadakimasu!"_ before jogging back to their bench.

Toru watched him in disbelief as he fished out his wallet to pay for their food. The vendor accepted it and put his yakitori on a paper plate thingy. He thanked him and was about to follow the older teen when the vendor suddenly grabbed his shoulder.

"Wha—,"

"You two are a cute _couple_ ," he said, smiling before putting out two styro-cup filled with yellowish liquid. _Uhm_ , was the vendor giving him some _used cooking oil_?! Why would even Toru need the cooking oil?!

He inwardly panicked as his eyes darted between the man and the two cups of _unknown_ liquid being pushed into his hands. Then he suddenly realized what the vendor had just said earlier.

_Couple._

Uhm.

"We're _not_ —," he started to say, warily glancing over his shoulder because god knows how Taka will react upon being linked with him. He'll definitely go _all out kung-Fu_ on Toru's ass. And to the _vendor’s_ for suddenly coming up with those _silly_ conclusions.

N-not that Toru _disliked_ it.

"It's okay," the man nodded in understanding— _understanding of what?_ God, Toru's brows knitted in confusion— "You don't have to feel ashamed of it."

Feel ashamed of _what??_

_Holy shit, my mind's gonna explode with how vendor-san is speaking!_

"My son's also like you, he's got a lover and I'm glad that he found someone _he loves_ and someone who loves him for _who he is_ ," then he smiled and pushed the cups onto his hands again, "Take this and make up. Don't let your hormones get the better of you, ne?"

He's got a son that—

Oh. _Oh._

So vendor-san instantly knows that Toru is _homo_ for Taka. _What the hell_ , does he have some kind of banner attached to his back saying how he's attracted to Taka like hell? And more importantly, Taka and Toru is not in a goddamned _relationship_ dammit!

But even before he can clear up that misunderstanding, some new customer gathered the vendor's attention. Toru dumbly stood in the sides for a minute before he fidgeted, looked between Taka—who's busy stuffing his mouth with chicken and vegetables—and the vendor.

_I still don't know why he's giving me oil but there's nothing wrong with accepting it, right?_

He sighed, bowed in gratitude before taking the cold cups with his hand before carefully walking back into the bench. Taka looked at the cup in his hands, until he put them on the bench instead of, _I don't know helping me by taking one of them?!_ But no, the vocalist kept on munching away, looking at him oddly before suddenly fidgeting on his spot.

What is it _now?!_

Taka batted his eyelashes on his cheeks, reminding Toru of the way how he seduced him last night. Damn this brat. _Is he testing me?! And why am I even reacting to those...those flirtatious looks?!_ And more importantly, why the heck is Taka looking at him like that...like he's about to ask something so _important_ , something that will _change_ whatever they have in the next few hours?!

Toru gulped, wanting nothing but to curl up and _wither away_ under the intensity of those gaze. He ignored his rumbling stomach even if the _yakitori_ is wafting some heavenly smell from his hand.

Then Taka suddenly opened his mouth to say:

"Are you gonna eat that, Toru-san?" he asked, voice high and _sickly sweet_ that he had expected that Taka would just puke out some rainbows and sugar cubes.

_The fu—_

What the hell?!

What happened to the important stuff he’s about to say?! He's just asking if Toru would eat the damn _yakitori_?!

Toru's vision went _red_. Then he pushed Taka over the guard rails and into the cold river.

Heh.

 _In his dreams_. But really, his vision went red with misplaced anger and humiliation.

"Of course I _am_!" he hissed before he angrily sat beside Taka and bit the meat off the stick with the finesse of a man who hasn't eaten for _decades_. The sauce splattered on the corner of his mouth as he noisily munched on the grilled chicken _without_ taking his eyes off the vocalist who's currently looking at him with wide eyes and slackened jaws.

"I'm just asking, _mou_!" Taka swallowed before looking away—he probably can't stand how Toru eats or maybe he just can't stand the fact the Toru is still eating while he's not—, "no need to get snappy at me, Toru-san!"

"Then don't ask stupid questions," is what he's planning to say but his mouth is too busy and full with hot, grilled food so to came out as—

" _mhen nyowt ask mupip wesions_ —"

—making Taka's head whipped back to glare at him, like how a mother would upon seeing how messy her child was eating.

"Don't talk while your mouth is full!"

" _Youm mot mah mober_!"

"You eat like a fucking child!" then Taka _magically_ pulled out a napkin out of nowhere to wipe the sauce and grease that's probably splattered all over his face. Toru _stubbornly_ inched his face away because being coddled like a huge baby in the public is not really in his _wish list_ at the moment. Besides, he couldn’t stand Taka's overly serious— _albeit a pouty_ —look on his face as he _not-so_ gently dabbed the corner of his mouth with the napkin.

"Ow, ow, i _tai yo_!" he complained, jerking his head away from the evil clutches of their vocalist, "Do you want to _erase_ my face or something?!"

Taka huffed before putting the used napkin away, "Don't tempt me, Toru-san because I _might_ just do it."

"Ouch."

The vocalist snorted before his eyes landed on the cups settled between them, "What's these?"

"I don't know," he shrugged as he started feasting on his second stick, "The vendor guy gave it to me. Looks like cooking oil, don't you think so?"

Taka gave him a long, infuriated sideway glance making him almost choke with his _yakitori_ , "The fuck, Toru-san, did the vendor gave you a _pot_ to smoke or something?! Why would he even give you two cups of cooking oil, you _dumb fuck_?!"

"Hell if I know!" he defended, wincing when Taka didn’t really made any effort to mince his words out here in the public, "He just said that we should make up or something. I don't know why he gave me oil, though."

"This isn't oil," Taka said as he raised a cup and sniffed it like some Master Chef or something. Take note that the vocalist conveniently ignored the _"we should make up"_ part before he go expert on... _sniffing cooking oils_. Or whatever that liquid is.

"This is _beer_!" he suddenly exclaimed, "The vendor just gave you two cups of free beer?! Was he nuts?! We're not even at the right age to drink!"

"Don't shout at me idiot!" he hissed, putting the sticks away, "Besides, it's _free_. What are you even yapping about?" he said before grabbing his own cup. He experimentally sniffed it and felt quite the _dumb fuck he is_ when he realized that it is i _ndeed_ beer and not some used cooking oil, before he took mouthfuls of it to wash down the _yakitori_ he just devoured.

"Nothing," Taka ruefully said as he cradled his cup with both of his hands, "I don't know if I should even drink this. Nothing _good_ ever happens when I'm drunk, right?"

Toru almost— _almost_ —spew all the cold beer inside his mouth when Taka said that. _Holy shit, is this the talk he's blabbering about all night long?!_ Were they gonna have a long, awful conversation about what happened last night?! Is this the right time to slide down into the _deepest bow_ he can muster and beg for Taka's forgiveness and to allow him still in the band?!

_Motherfucker, I'm not ready for this!_

_I'm not even sure if I can freely talk about the...the...k-kiss when I'm sober!_

And so Toru wordlessly chugged the entire cup down. It burns in his throat, like someone had put a _flamethrower_ inside his mouth and fired it. Tears gathered in the corner of his eyes because it really hurts but he couldn't stop now because he'll definitely throw up in the bushes out there if he did so. And also, because Taka is eyeing him like _fuck_.

What the hell.

"The fuck, Toru-san, are you getting yourself smashed?!" he hissed, and for a moment, Toru thought that he’s actually worried for his wellbeing—, "how on earth can I talk to you if you're _inebriated_ , huh?!"

_That’s what you're worried about?!_

Toru put the now empty cup away and wiped his mouth with his fist. His head is buzzing but he knows that he's still not that drunk enough to have the balls to talk with Taka. _Maybe a bit more..._

His eyes darted _longingly_ on Taka's own cup—like a child eyeing the newest toy beyond the glass walls of a shop—making Taka went all defensive on his cup of beer.

"Oh no, you _don't_ ," he said before raising the cup and did what Toru had just done. He gulped the entire thing, with Toru watching— _mesmerized_ —as the vocalist’s Adam's Apple bobbed up and down.

 _Taka sure has a generous mouth_ , huh... He swallowed as his eyelid dropped a little as he watch the vocalist coughed.

_I wonder if he can fit my di—_

"You don't get all shit-faced on me, Toru-san!" he announced as he finally finished his beer. Toru was abruptly pulled out of his... _perverted_ thoughts when the vocalist let out a satisfied " _ah~!"_ before looking at him with wide, bright eyes.

So, what now?

A long silence ensued between them. A warm breeze blew past them, rustling the leaves of the ever-green Sakura Trees. The paper lanterns swayed on their posts, the dim lights falling and dancing across Taka's flushed skin. Toru can hear the small crowd walking pass their spot, drinking and eating and talking without a care in the world. The cicadas were also loud in his ears, the sound reminding him of the countless times he punched his brother for bringing some bugs home just to pull a prank on him.

_Ah...natsukashii..._

His eyes fluttered close as he raised his head, feeling the summer breeze. He had lived a _good life_ with the band. From the moment he founded it, the midnight meetings in the rooftop with Ryota, their youthful, silly escapades on finding equipment and members...

He can still remember when he first saw Taka, when he first heard that pretty, _pretty_ voice, when he first felt that _urge_ , that _desperate desire_ to have Taka in their band...to have Taka with _him._

 _Ah..._ he wonders on what will happen if HEADS _hasn't_ been dissolved...if he _hadn't_ engrossed himself with Western Music back then...if he _hadn't_ went to that live house, one cold winter night.

He _would not_ meet Taka.

ONE OK ROCK _will not_ be completed.

Toru _would not_ develop these nasty feelings within him.

Everything would be _simple._

Painless.

Pointless.

_Colorless._

Like a black and white movie without any sound at all.

And now, Taka will talk to him about last night. He will say how _disappointed_ , he will say how _disgusted_ he is with him and Toru will have to accept them all because he chose this. Because instead of pushing Taka away like any _sane, straight_ man would do, like any _friend_ would do, he did the _opposite_ of it and pulled Taka closer and closer and kissed the _ever-living_ lights out of him.

He sighed, his heart constricting and squeezing painfully within his chest. He must be dying. _This is what dying probably feels like..._

Taka is...

Taka makes him feel _things_ , makes him feel _alive_ , makes him feel _loved_ even if it's _unconscious_ on his part. _Everything he did_ —every _meals_ he cooked, every time he _cleans_ his unit, every time he would _indulge_ Toru and allow him to _touch_ him and _hug_ him and _hold_ his hand, every time he would just _sit beside him_ and talk about silly things an laugh, smile and grin like a carefree boy—every _small things_ he did for Toru...

Taka makes him _desire_ things; makes him _believe_ in their own strengths, makes him _dream_ for a better future, makes him _think_ that everything would be fine. Above all, Taka makes him _want_ things—want to play in _larger_ venues, want to make _more awesome_ songs, want to reach _greater heights_ and go to different places, want to have him _in his arms_ before he sleeps and when he wakes up.

Taka makes him _desire him_ , makes him want to _monopolize_ the vocalist and have him as his _own._

_I want...I want..._

Taka makes him want things that will _never_ be his.

And it hurts...it _hurts so fucking much_ that Toru would have to cry later when he gets home.

But where is _home_?

Taka has been his home in the last years. Taka has been his _warm_ , welcoming _solace_ , his _refuge_ , his _sanctuary_. The man who would spit fire and curses at him at once but the one who would also caress him with soft hands and cheer him up with bright smiles. It has been blissful and Toru decided to fuck it all up last night just because he couldn't control those urges, those burning desires, those passionate _cravings_.

"Toru-san..."

He tiredly blinked his eyes open, the unshed tears clinging on his lashes as he glanced down at Taka. His voice is so soft, so gentle but also so firm making Toru realize that this must be it.

_This is it._

So he blurted out the first thing that came into his mind—

"I'm sorry."

—the same moment when Taka said—

"I'm sorry!"

...

...

...

Eh?

_Eh?!?_

Both of them blinked, simultaneously as if they have _rehearsed it for years_ before they stared at each other's silly face. Then they exploded.

In laughter, that is.

Well, there's nothing really funny about their predicament but hey, that's what you do when you're _scared out of your mind_ and when you pulled every _ounce_ of courage you can just to say those words—only to have it _slapped back_ on your face.

"W-what the hell—," he wheezed as he doubled over in laughter, "W-what the fuck are you apologizing for?!"

Taka blinked in surprise before he averted his gaze, " _Maa_ , it's coz I pounced on you last night, Toru-san!" he said— _out loud_ —making Toru frantically look around for any passerby who might have heard that statement.

The fuck, Taka, _can you not scream it to the whole world?!_

_And if you're going like that, you might as well use a fucking mega-phone, nee?! Nee?!_

"P-pounced?!" he asked, stuttering in fear and confusion because _holy shit_ they're actually talking about the forbidden topic! The shit that will change everything and yet, there’s still no one is crying like a wuss! "W-what do you mean?"

Taka twisted on his seat like a fucking, blushing _virgin._

"Do you want me to fucking look on the dictionary for you, you moron?!"

He winced.

"What do I mean? I kissed you, remember?!" he said, his voice going up a few octaves, making Toru choke back a curse because Taka really, _really love screaming it loud, huh_ , "Like a porn-worthy kiss! And it's...you don't know how my head hurts when I woke up earlier then I feel like vomiting god, I would never drink that much again!"

Toru blinked ay him in disbelief.

_Really, huh?_

Taka huffed in defeat.

"Okay, maybe _not_. But I would not be drinking like that for the mean time coz it hurts Toru-san! It really, really _hurts_! Like something nasty is crawling up into my throat and it burns and nothing is going out but that bitter shit and _everything_ hurts—,"

Is he ranting?

Toru can't believe it! Takahiro is actually ranting about his hang over while Toru is dying with fear, with mortification and _dread_?!

And more importantly, is he actually ranting it to Toru when it's clear as day that it's his _own fault_ for drinking too fucking much?!

But no matter how Toru wants to slap a hand over their vocalist's mouth to stop him from reliving his moments in the toilet with _extreme details_ , he couldn’t because he's a coward who values his life above anything else.

_I mean, Taka would definitely push me into the river if I told him that it's his fault that he has a massive a hangover._

So he just solemnly stared at the vocalist, nodding _mournfully_ as if he can feel Taka's pain and all the shits without saying anything.

"—my muscles, my ass—,"

_What. I didn't do it!_

"—my bones! But, but, you know what's _more painful_ , Toru-san?" he said, suddenly adapting a completely serious, completely solemn, completely _scary_ tone. He left those words hanging to the air, the breeze whistling around them in an eerie manner that makes Toru gulped audibly.

_W-what's with this suspense in the atmosphere?!_

Toru felt the urge to piss.

But even before he can raise a hand like a diligent student in class asking to be excused for a toilet break, Taka suddenly spoke, his eyes both trained onto his own orbs.

"It's when you _didn't follow_ after me, Toru-san..." he said with so much _pain_ , so much _emotions_ that made Toru cringed in guilt and shame. "You always do that, Toru-san, so even when I was smashed to death in the past, I held on. Because you were _there_. Even if I'm puking out my intestines—,"

"Ugh, _gross_ Taka, what the fu—,"

"—out, I can take it because _you were there_ to _support_ me and _hold_ me and make me _feel better_ but you weren’t there earlier! You left me all alone to fucking _retch to death,_ you asshole!"

Toru had to blink at the sudden change of tone. One moment Taka is saying _mushy_ stuffs then he's cursing Toru's ass to Mars and back the next. What the hell. Damn bipolar bastard.

"I was so scared, Toru-san!" he said, tears prickling at the corner of those almond shaped eyes, "I thought that you will leave me because you're disgusted at me! And I..I _won't be able_ to take it, you know?! Y-you _can't_ kick me out of the band because I'll _definitely_ die!"

"Whoah, _whoah_ —,"

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down or I'll throw you in the fucking river!"

"Oh," he blinked before shaking his head.

"Y-you _don't know_ how scared I was when I was all alone, Toru-san! What happened to the _promise_ huh?! What happened to the _‘I won’t ever leave your side_ ’ shits you spouted months ago, huh?! We're they... _we're they_ ," Taka hiccupped, tears suddenly springing our of hos already puffy eyes, making Toru mutter a curse and avert his gaze, "We're they _all lies_ , Toru-san?" he asked in a soft, soft voice, barely above a whisper.

Yet it dropped into his ears like a fucking _bomb._

"What?!" he hissed, his head snapping back to the crying vocalist, "Of course _not_! I mean it!"

"Then where the hell _were you_ earlier?!"

His tone was so _hur_ t, so _accusing_ that all Toru can do is wince and cringe under those intense, burning eyes.

"I was... _I was..._ " he massaged the bridge of his nose, the sounds of Taka's sniffling and sobbing grating through his ears, "I was just thinking about _things_. About... _about—_ "

_Am I really gonna say it?_

_Fuck it!_

"—about what happened last night," he finally said.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence between them.

"Were you... Were you _disgusted_ with me, Toru-san?"

...

"What...?"

What is he talking about? Shouldn't be Toru the one asking that?! Why... _why..._

"I mean were both guys! Obviously," he scoffed, his nimble fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt, "And it's not.. _not._..

"Not _right_?" he helpfully said.

"Not _normal,_ " Taka then shot him a nasty look, " _Who are you_ to say that it's not right, Toru-san? People like those kids who called us pop-punk homos? _Psssshh..."_ he shrugged, making Toru's jaws hang even wider, "I _tried_ to think that way, _really_. I _tried_ thinking that it was gross, that it was repulsive, that it was...disgusting but in the end...I couldn't..."

Why...

Why is Taka saying those stuffs like...like he's _not_ actually disgusted with what happened between them? Like he's not angry after Toru had kissed him back? Like...like he's giving some _sparks_ to light the hope within Toru's chest?

Hope that it's _alright._

Hope that Taka _liked it back._

Hope that Taka liked _him_ back.

And then Taka is already sniveling like an idiot.

"I really...I _really tried_ Toru-san but...but no matter how many times I think of it, no manner how many times I _deny it_ , Toru-san, it...it feels _good,_ you know? It feels _right_ and _warm_ and _perfect_ and oh god— _oh fucking god!_ "

He called it _right._

He called it _warm._

He called it _perfect._

He said that it _felt good._

Not nasty. Not repulsive. Not bad.

And...and Toru...

Toru's heart clenched and squeezed painfully—albeit in a different reason because _holy shit_ —before he lunged forward and held Taka onto his chest, his eyes wide, while his heart pounding against his ribcage like there's no tomorrow.

" _Shhh, shhh_ , calm down Taka, it's alright—,"

"It's fucking _not!_ " he complained against his shirt before landing weak punches on his shirt, "How could it be when _I'm_ a man and _you're_ a man and I came to you like a fucking _sex-deprived_ idiot! I bet you hate me now huh?!"

He made a strangled sound at that. Hate? _Hate Taka?_ He snorted at that, suddenly wanting to smack the vocalist’s head for thinking of such silly things.

"W-well, are _you_?"

Taka pushed him away to look up unto his face, his eyes red and swollen as tracks of tears shone across his scarlet cheeks.

"Am I _what_?"

"A sex-deprived idiot?"

"Of course I'm not! I don't know what came to me you know...it seems fun to tease you because you're a fucking virgin—,"

"Thanks for shouting it to the whole world—,"

"You're welcome," he deadpanned before scowling again, "I bet you're disgusted at me huh? That's why you want to run away earlier!"

"No."

"Ha—as if I'll let you— _wait_ ," he blinked when he realized what Toru had just said. He slowly raked his eyes onto Toru's face, looking for any sign of _deceit_ , of any kind of lie, but Toru ha pulled the straightest face he can muster, "N-no?"

"Yes."

Taka owlishly blinked up at him, " _Yes??_ "

"No! I mean it's a yes that it's no!"

Huh.

Well, that doesn't make sense even to himself. No wonder Taka looks like his brain's gonna explode any moment from now.

He blankly stared at Toru as if he's asking him for more explanations or clarifications or _something._

"I mean, I'm not...I'm not disgusted at you, Taka..." he slowly said, with a serious face even if he wants to cackle in laughter upon seeing Taka’s mouth opened wide in shock and disbelief. Y-you should have seen it!

"You..." a sad, bitter smile made its way on Taka's quivering lips as he gently shook his head in denial, "You’re just saying that because you don't want to hurt me...because you're a big fucking gentleman mou!"

"I'm not!"

"A gentleman?"

"I’m not just saying this just because I don't want to hurt you," he clarified, before roughly exhaling, "I _mean it_. I'm not disgusted, never...in fact, I even thought that...that you're the one who's gonna go batshit insane about it coz you know," he helplessly shrugged.

_God, why is this so hard?!_

"Why? You have all the rights to freak out Toru-san!"

"It's coz I kissed you back, remember!" he said through gritted teeth. Damn why is Taka so dense right now? Toru knows that both of them could pass as the _dumbest_ members of their band, but, heck, there were times that they need to be perceptive. Like right now. "I kissed you back instead of pushing you away!"

He must've looked like a bit freaked out because Taka inched away from him, throwing him a look which he can only interpret as _"what the fuck are you getting all hysterical for you motherfucker."_

"...and?"

Toru felt like pulling all of his hair from his scalp in exasperation. Taka sure is _extra_ dumb today huh?

"I'm supposed to be the one with a sane mind—,"

"Hey! I'm _also_ sane—,"

"—last night! I was sober _through and through_ and you're clearly drunk out of your mind! You don't know what you're doing while I'm perfectly aware that we’re kissing even though it's... _it's..."_ his shoulders sagged helplessly as the heavy implications of his words rested on his shoulders.

There, I’ve said it!

"Oh..." was Taka's response after an eternity of remaining silent. That was it? Then Taka peered up at him with the same wide eye curiosity, "...and?"

 _Scratch_ pulling all of his hair from his scalp. Toru decided that it'll be better to pull every fucking strand of hair from Taka's silly, empty head instead.

"I _took advantage_ of you, Taka," he finally yielded before he dove his face onto his open palms, "I took advantage of your vulnerable, drunken state! That's what I'm fucking saying! That's why I'm so scared to face you this morning—this entire day—because I know that you'll be disgusted and livid and _murderous_. Because you'll fucking hate me, _nah_? I’m just...I'm really, _really_ sorry Taka, I..."

There was no response and Toru didn't know if he's _relieved_ by the silence or it just made things _worse_ for his anxieties and fears.

Then Taka suddenly burst into a _massive_ giggling fit.

It was so abrupt, so out of the blue and out of the fucking context that Toru's head swished towards him in an instant. _Holy shit, Taka is really laughing!_ His eyes were glinting with tears, his cheeks burning crimson and his mouth pulled wide open with a gleeful giggle that will put a hyperactive, _sugar-high_ toddler to shame.

What the hell.

Wasn't he crying just a few minutes ago?!

_Fuck fuck!_

He might've broken Taka for _real!_ How would he explain it to Hiroki?! Or the other members for that matter?!

Will he be jailed for this?! _I hope not—_

Maybe...maybe he thought that Toru is _just joking?_ That he does not mean any of the words he just said? Maybe...maybe Toru should show his resolve even better?

"Stop laughing, _mou!_ And I'm not joking! In fact if you want, I can leave the band so that you have to deal with someone like me—,"

_Pak!_

Even before Toru can finish that statement, Taka is already looking at him, the cackles from those lips were abruptly gone as he smashed his open palm onto his pale cheek.

_Holy—_

It stings so much that he can feel his head _turning sideways_ at the intensity of it.

Did...

_Did Taka just..._

His eyes glanced sideways at the silhouette of the vocalist standing before him, noticing that Taka is no longer laughing. His lips were pulled down in a deep frown, his eyes looking at him with disdain and disappointment and hint of betrayal.

_—slapped me?!_

"What the fuck?!" he said, after a few moments of getting his brain paralyzed with shock.

"Yeah, Toru-san, what the fuck?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! If so, then let me put some sense into it!" then he grabbed his shoulders and shook him with so much force he almost puke out in nausea.

"You can take advantage of me a _dozen times_ , you can call me an idiot a _hundred times_ and I will _still forgive you_ , but never," he said through clenched teeth, his fingers tightly clutching at his shirt that Toru feared it will be shredded into fucking pieces, "And I mean _ever_ , say that you’re gonna leave the band!" he hissed, fat glob of tears escaping his red-rimmed eyes and falling onto Toru's denim pants.

"You're our leader, Toru-san! Our core, our _pillar,_ and if you will leave us then everything would fucking collapse! The band will be dissolved and I will fucking _die_!"

What, no, _no—_

_You're putting too much expectations on me!_

_You're trusting me too much!_

"If the _leader_ would quit, then how the fuck do you think will we move forward, huh?! Stop thinking about yourself, _mou_!"

"I'm not thinking about _myself!_ " he growled, trying to pry those fingers away from his now ruined clothes, "I'm doing this for _you_! I don't want you to feel like...like you have to forced yourself to be in a band with someone you hate, you—,"

"Who said that I hated you?"

"—dumb _fuck_. You—," his brows knitted in genuine confusion, before he slowly looked up, "...what?"

Taka looked down at him with an equally confused face. He licked his lips once, twice, before he finally spoke again. He can feel the warm air around them buzzing even more. The sounds of cicadas and rustling of leaves were suddenly loud in his ears before everything faded away—until he can only hear Taka’s voice, Taka’s words.

"I don't hate you, Toru-san."

Oh. _Oh._

Fucking hell—

"But I took advantage of—,"

"Of course you did!" he bluntly said, making Toru winced. He had prepared for this confrontation but damn, it still hurts like he's been hit by a fucking _wrecking ball_ when it comes straight from the older teen's mouth, huh? "But you know what? I don't fucking care coz it felt _great_ , Toru-san!"

No.

"And you know what?"

"No— _ack_!"

Another slap—albeit a softer one—made its way on his other cheek. Probably to shut him up. But it still hurts!

Taka awkwardly cleared his throat, "I thought that...I actually thought that I was the one who took advantage of you coz, you know..."

Taka twisted before him, like a shy kid who's about to confess to his first love or something. Too bad _Toru is not_ his first love. Also, Taka is clearly not confessing anything so he should just crush all those hopes that were starting to blossom within his chest.

Toru wanted to say that he doesn't have any idea on whatever the fuck Taka is talking about but he don't want to get slapped again so he said "...what?" instead.

"The kiss felt great and I thought that you're just going with the flow because you're a fucking gentleman."

"What the fuck."

"Yeah," Taka solemnly nodded, "what the _fuck_."

Well...that...

That felt quite nice. Not that he's glad that Taka is having misunderstanding about their predicament _per se_. But...

The kiss felt good?

Well...

Oh.

_Oh-hohoho._

He can feel a leering, satisfied grin slowly spreading across his lips at that.

"You're an idiot, Taka," he said before he put his shaking hand over Taka's quivering fingers. He felt foolish, felt relieved and happy all at the same time, "I'm not a gentleman, asshole, I did it coz it felt _good_ and...and _right_ and _perfect_ ," he said, gulping nervously as he imitated the vocalist's very words earlier.

Taka looked at him, the frown and tears suddenly gone—making him remember that he’s dealing with a notorious bipolar here—before a small, genuine chuckle erupted from his lips.

" _Idiots_ ," he shook his head in exasperation, "We're both fucking idiots, Toru-san!"

And then they started laughing—all the pent up frustrations and longing and fear bubbling out of their system as they laughed merrily like idiots under the summer sky. The breeze is warm, taking away all their negative thoughts, the feeling which were crushing them in the past few hours.

_He doesn’t hate me..._

Toru melted into a chuckle, and then he’s laughing so hard tears prickle at the corner of his eyes, and he has to lean forward to dump his flustered face onto Taka's shirt-cladded stomach. He felt so happy that it makes him _weak to the bones_ , that it makes him wanna weep in _gratitude_ , that it makes him wanna smack himself for being so, so fucking dumb and for over-thinking of things.

Taka continued laughing, the tremors shaking his entire body was a pleasant rumble against Toru's cheeks. The fingers that were practically having him almost naked earlier were now threading gently through his over-grown hair. He nuzzled into the soft warm hand while still laughing like an idiot.

And then suddenly, he's already _crying_ onto Taka's clothes like the pathetic wuss he is.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled against the fabric, relief and happiness and giddiness flowing out in every breath he takes, "I'm so _fucking_ sorry..."

He _don't know_ if he's apologizing for _kissing_ Taka back last night.

He _don't know_ if he's apologizing for _leaving Taka_ this morning— _alone and suffering_ with his destructive thoughts. Leaving him all by himself when Toru had promised to stay no matter what happens.

He _don't know_ if he's apologizing for _wanting to get away_ , for warning to escape even for just a day, leaving Taka to deal with all the stuffs behind.

He _don't know_ if he's apologizing for _misunderstanding_ everything and for making Taka think that he's the one to blame.

He _don't know_ if he's apologizing for saying _careless words_ , for saying that it’s _alright_ if Taka would want him out of the band— _out of his life_ —when it’s glaringly obvious that it _wasn't_. It wouldn't. _Never._

 _All that he knows_ is that Taka is here, holding him like he usually does whenever he's feeling down and insecure and _needy_ —holding him as if nothing weird happened last night—holding him as if he’s the most precious, most important, _most loved_ person in the whole wide world.

“Shhhh… _shhh…_ ” Taka tried to hush him. The warm voice he loves so much washing everything away.

He sobbed even stronger as he whispers his apologies _over and over again_ until he can feel Taka's tears dropping onto his nape. He's crying even though he's laughing. He must be getting crazy, but it's fine coz Toru had spent his days being crazy with the thoughts of the vocalist.

" _Gomen, gomen_ ," Taka mumbled above him, doubling over and hugging Toru even closer, "I'm so fucking sorry too, Toru-san!"

And then they were laughing all again—laughing while crying and sobbing out apologies. It was _weird_ , it was _creepy_ but they were teenagers _hopelessly_ attracted to each other that nothing _matters_ anymore.

And for some unknown reason, Toru felt the desire to finally say the things he wanted to say to Taka. It must be the adrenaline rushing through his veins, it must be the romantic atmosphere around them, it must be Taka's warm, _warm_ presence across him.

Denying his feelings for Taka, fighting against it has always been _painful_. Indescribable pain that courses through his entire being. A part of him is terrified of being found out, but at the same time, Toru just want the secrecy to be _over and done with_. It feels like a ticking bomb and whether it explodes or not, he just want to let it be.

Toru just want to _be free._

To be _himself._

To tell Taka how much he adores him, how much he means  to Toru.

And before he can think better of his next actions, he's already looking up. He rests his chin over Taka's stomach and glanced at the equally messy crying face of their vocalist.

Taka smiled down at him, his eyes crinkling with delight making Toru's heart clenched a bit more painfully within his chest.

_Scared._

He was so scared of this because it's new, because it's too much for his fragile and simple mindset. But the _fullness_ of it...the _safety_...how he felt like he could just _puff up and burst and explode_ before he opened his stupid, _stupid_ mouth to say the words he's been dying to say.

"I like you, Taka."

Then he went blind. _No, not literally_ because at the same moment he said those forbidden words, flares of red and yellow went up the sky, startling the shit out of them with the loud and sudden noise of fireworks.

_What the fuck—_

His words were instantly drowned out by the loud sound, and he felt quite disappointed especially when Taka chose to look up at the bright night sky filled with vivid colors of red and orange and purples and greens.

_Hanabi._

Of all the time that he would confess, it was at the same time the Hanabi went off. _God fucking dammit._

Maybe the gods really _, really_ hated him?! Now he's getting irritated as fuck because god knows how he poured all his strength, all his courage, all his confidence just to utter those words. Only to be fucking overwritten by ducking fireworks.

But then, Taka glances down at him, his cheeks wet with tears, the colorful flares dancing across his skin making Toru went quite... _speechless._

"What were you saying Toru-san?" he asked, completely oblivious to the shit-storm swirling inside his mind.

He hadn’t heard it. _God._

Toru debated on telling Taka the truth but all the feelings he endured in the last past 24 hours came crashing onto him. He don't want to get through all of it again. Never.

_My feelings could wait._

"Nothing," he said before looking down again, not wanting to be the receiving end of those curious eyes, "I said that you're just _an idiot_ , Taka..."

_This is enough...for now..._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They spent the whole night sitting on that bench. Toru played the chords for their latest single while Taka went on the _arduous_ task of producing lyrics for it—humming and muttering words all the time. It was a crazy emotional song, like a ballad type of rock, so much different from what they were doing.

Listening and playing the riffs were enough to make Toru's heart grow heavy but when Taka added the words? He almost cried like the pathetic wuss he is after he finished it.

Then they ate another order of yakitori before going home, shoulders _bumping_ , fingers _interlinked_ with each other's.

And when they finally arrives in Taka's unit, Toru refused to enter and spend the night. He couldn't stand Taka's presence because he would definitlely pounce on him especially now that he knows that the vocalist enjoyed their kissing shits last night. Or the other night because it’s almost dawn right now.

"I'm so glad that we made up!" Taka said as he looked down on his shoes, " _Yokatta_ ~!"

"Well were both idiots so..." Toru shrugged as he scratch the back of his neck. He akwardly stood just beyond the older teen's threshold, his fingers closing and unclenching with the deep desire to just pull Taka and kiss him _senseless_ because _that's how you end a date, right?_

"Takahiro..." he slowly said, making the said vocalist look up at him attentively. Like he's been waiting for this damn moment ever since they arrived in the apartment building.

"Wow," Taka laughs as he cheekily crossed his arms over his chest before leaning onto the door jamb, "I always thought I’d like the way you said my first name, Toru-san~!"

_You damn flirt._

Toru exhales shakily. "Can I kiss you?"

A moment of pure, terrifying silence ensued before Taka speak again.

"Are you going to ask me every time?" Toru opened his arms and pulled Taka closer his hand tugs at the older teen’s hair and bends forward just enough for Taka to reach his mouth and capture his lips.

Oh. _Oh._

He pulls back after a short kiss, and Taka smiles contently up at him. Like Toru had given him the entire world or something.

And it makes him warm and nice and satisfied and craving and of course, _so fucking horny._

"I still kinda _can’t believe_ that we're doing this now," Taka replies, so bright, so happy about Toru of all people. Seeing that, can’t help but kiss him again, but this time, _deeper._

Takahiro whimpers, melting in his hold, boneless and warm in the cold corridor, with sticky, now-smooth skin and a mouth like silk. Toru swears he could _maybe_ kiss the vocalist forever— kiss him, or listen to his amazing voice, and he doesn’t know which one he likes better.

Well, maybe he should think about it later.

He groans as Taka’s hand slides up the bumps of his spine before scratching their way back down, _hard enough to hurt,_ but Toru doesn’t mind the sting, biting the older's lower lip in revenge and shifting even closer.

But when Toru feels the telltale sign of his... _lower regions_ reacting at their rather steamy session, he reluctantly pulled away a few centimeters allowing him to stare at the mile-long eyelashes of their vocalist, Taka's half lidded almond shaped eyes, the blush high on his cheeks and his parted, wet lips.

He the realized that he's practically crowding over the vocalist, which is a huge _no-no_ especially when you're in the fucking corridor, just fucking waiting to be seen by the whole damn world.

_Oh. Must...pull away..._

He reluctantly did so, earning some soft whining from Taka. He smiled, satisfied that he's the one causing those _needy_ reactions from the perfect man and because Taka still hasn't deliver some _karate chop_ on his head or something.

"So..." Taka licked his lisp, making Toru growled in desperate need to taste those plump, _yakitori-_ flavored lips again, "So...does this makes us _homos_ , Toru-san?"

_...oh._

_Of course._

Leave it to Taka to think of petty things like that. Huh. But maybe that would be a big deal to the _straight as the motherfucking ruler_ vocalist huh? The one who's been followed around by pretty girls, right?

Toru scowled at that, the sweet buzz of adrenaline suddenly flushed out of his system.

"Do you really have to put labels on us?" he asked, staring past the vocalist's shoulders. He's perfectly aware that he's being an asshole to taka at the moment but he couldn't help it. Especially if such things such as sexuality label is threatening to fucking ruin whatever development they have reached tonight. Last night. Today. _What the fuck ever._

"No but," Taka bit his lip a she fiddled with his clothes, "I want to know what I am. I'm not some genderless alien, _mou_! Besides I'm just confused!" his brows knitted in confusion, making Toru wants to soothe that crease off his forehead, "I like girls—,"

_Ouch._

"—see all my porn mags and site history? They're soft and nice and smells good but...but...?"

"But what?" he spat.

The older shrugged. And it pissed Toru off.

"Listen, here, Taka," he said with so much urgency and intensity that Taka glanced up at him warily, "This... _whatever_ 's between us will remain a _secret_. No one will know, and no one must because it would ruin the band, it would ruin _you_ —,"

"I know that _mou_ —,"

"I'm willing to risk _everything_ for this,"

_For you._

He wanted to add that but decided against it, "So if you're gonna back out just because you couldn't figure out of your straight, or gay, or bisexual, then fucking say it already because— _mph_!"

Toru automatically closed his eyes when Taka suddnely lurched forward and cling to his neck like a fucking monkey before kissing him, swallowing whatever angst he's planning to say. He grabbed the vocalist's hips, not wanting him to feel his erection— _damn, why are you popping out whenever I don't want you to?!_ —before responding just as passionately.

But then Taka is mercilessly pulling away. Pinching his damn cheeks before he shrugged doff his clutches.

"You’re really a huge idiot, you _dipshit_ ," he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest like a fucking tyrant, "I was just asking, _mou_! You don’t have to go fucking annoyed at me!"

"Well sorry for assuming things based on your fucking words—,"

"I'm _all in this_ , Toru-san," he suddenly said, making Toru gulped at the sincerity of those words. Suddenly, the future with Taka loving him back doesn't seem to be as i _mpossible_ as before. Suddenly it became _closer,_ became _more real._ "You're the leader, you call the shots. I trust you. Okay? So trust me a bit more, _mou_!"

Toru wanted to laugh. _Damn annoying, bipolar_ , Taka. Damn _amazing, perfect, understanding_ Takahiro. Damn him for making Toru feels light-hearted and nervous— _strong and weak_ —all at the same time.

And he probably _did._ He laughed and laughed like a fucking lunatic before he was silenced with a bruising kiss by a blushing, spluttering Moriuchi Takahiro.

Ah...he had lived a _good life._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for DREAMERS.
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>  
> 
> Just Kidding.
> 
>  
> 
> -Hanami is the Cherry Blossom-viewing. I think it's actually the Hanami season in Japan right now?  
> -Yakitori is a skewered-chicken sold in streets or in izakaya's.  
> -They we're making the Et Cetera song here.  
> -Hanabi is "fireworks". Summer is the season of fireworks in Japan, I think? 
> 
> Well, what do you think? Was this something you've been expecting?? God, I'm so nervous.
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading and patiently waiting for updates! Please check out the related [fanart~!](https://www.instagram.com/p/BnGg6FjnRsO/)


	28. Hitori Goto Ronriina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family talk.
> 
>  
> 
> "I don’t think I will stop it soon  
> Because of you  
> There’s nothing I fear, I’ve got a ton of spears"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh. This chapter is like an extra or transition to the next major events of the story. Now that we've got a huge chapter last time, you can expect more shorter ones in the next few updates.
> 
> Anyways, I missed writing the other members of the band so I wrote them in this chapter~
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

_Contrary_ to his fears, nothing really changed between Toru and Taka’s relationship after their _long-awaited_ confrontation in Meguro River the other night. Well, it’s not like they’ve been given the _chance_ to change because as soon as their backs hit the bed in their respective rooms, the two of them instantly went asleep for hours.

  
Until the other three members suddenly barged into their units— _puking out_ sunshine and rainbows and everything you hate when being woken up early in the morning—to drag their asses to the barbecue gathering with the other band. They went there, and even if Toru is looking more… _zombified_ than usual—because even if deprived of sleep, Taka still had the energy to mingle and laugh and fucking run around the open field with their new friends like a _hyperactive_ kid.

  
The day went fine and was ended with them lighting up small sticks of firecrackers. As usual, Taka fired some towards Tomoya because the drummer won’t stop eating all of their shares since the beginning. The poor drummer screamed in fear as he hysterically ran away from their sadistic vocalist who’s _merrily_ cackling like a huge, evil _Lord_.

  
They went on their separate ways after that. Toru insisted that he should walk Taka and so they did. It was blissful, really. Making him smile and grin like an _idiot_ all the way to the vocalist’s apartment building. His wide, boyish smile was only wiped out of his lips when Taka leaned up, standing on his toes, to plant a soft, chaste good night kiss on his own.

  
_Damn, fucking tease_.

  
And then he shut the door onto Toru’s face because he’s sleepy and exhausted as hell.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The days passed by just as _normal_ as it can be. Gigs and performances in live houses becomes more frequent, as well as the time they’ve been spending on practicing their new songs. The album is already done and they’re just waiting for the release of their third and final single. The interviews and radio guestings were also quite… _persistent_ , making Taka and Toru almost die of exhaustion in promoting their songs. They did all of that— _arduously_ , patiently and with all the passion they can give—all while trying to hide their…secret _relationship_ from everyone.

  
Especially Toru who always have this _urge_ to just push the vocalist onto the nearest wall and kiss him _senseless_ until he’s out of breath and until it’s only Toru’s name he could remember.

  
Like, right now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
“Good work, everyone!” Gocchan clapped his hands as they emerged from the stage and into the dark rear part where the staffs are. Everyone cheered—huge smiles plastered on their faces—as they patted each other’s shoulders for a good performance tonight. Toru could’ve been _happier_ and satisfied but no, Taka had hit a long, high note earlier and no matter how _kinky_ it sounds, he obviously got a boner from that.

  
Just by listening to his _goddamned_ voice.

  
What the hell.

  
_How low can I fucking sink, ugh!_

  
So, while everyone is busy drinking water and orange juice in the hallway, Toru grabbed Taka’s hand—shot him a nasty, really _intimidating_ look—before dragging him to the farthest toilet he can find. Taka was spluttering curses behind him but when he saw how he locked the door, the shocked look on his face was instantly replaced with something like teasing and leering and everything that he hates— _and loves all at the same time_ —making him want to erase them as soon as possible.

  
He wordlessly dove for a kiss, and another _one_ , until both of them we’re panting and _clawing_ at each other’s sweat drenched shirts. It’s still summer and there's really not that great ventilation in the live house that they would surely die of _breathlessness_ if they don’t stop… _sucking_ each other’s faces.

  
In a public toilet.

  
Toru pulled back, gazing at the flustered face of the vocalist with half-lidded eyes, as his thumb glided on his burning cheek, “S-shit… _shit_ …” he cursed, wanting to lean for more kiss.

  
Taka cheekily smiled up at him, gulping audibly as he rested his back on the closed door, “W-well,” he breathes out, “Aren’t you a horny _motherfucker_ , Toru-san. What the fuck? Are we gonna spend _all_ lives like this?”

  
Toru’s eyebrows furrowed, as he traced those jawline rounded by _babyfats_ and tipped the vocalsit’s chin upwards with his fingers. His attention, _then_ , went on the puffy, moist lips—so full, so red, so _damn_ kissable.

  
“You don’t want to?” he asked, his eyes never leaving those full, silken lips that can curse like a sailor, sing fucking high notes, and whisper soothing words at Toru.

  
Taka didn’t even blinked at that before responding by linking his hands over Toru’s nape, his fingers burying themselves on his longer hair. He grinned up at him, “Oh hell, I do!”

  
The guitarist felt his heart expand like shit at that.

  
“That’s what I thought,” he smugly said before leaning down again to capture those lips in a hurried, bruising kiss.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They ignored Alex-senpai’s curious gaze when they went back to the other after that. Toru is sweating _bullets_ as he dodges the questions on where the fuck they went while everyone is eating and changing their clothes.

  
“Oh,” he cringed when Alex-senpai waved a styro-cup filled with orange juice at him, “Where have you been, my dear _kouhai_?”

  
_Oh shit shit, he certainly knew what we did_ —

  
“ _Kouhai_?!” Ryota and Tomoya simultaneously looked up from the burgers they were eating—before suddenly breaking into massive giggling fits.

  
“ _Kouhai_!” Tomoya repeated, his high-pitched laughter annoyingly filled the small room where they were eating, “ _Kouhai_!?”

  
_WHAT. Why the hell is he laughing—_

  
“So, Toru?”

  
Oh, right. Alex-senpai still _exists_ …so Toru had no choice but to face their lead guitarist who’s smiling a _bit too_ widely at him. He doesn’t like that _smile_. It’s the same when he was making Toru realize his feelings for their vocalist. It’s the same whenever he’s thinking of something _wrong_ and _lewd_ about Taka and Toru— _well, he might be not wrong this time, but like hell, if I’ll actually admit it._

  
Toru hates this. Why is he the only getting cornered by their guitarist when he’s not _alone_ in this? Where was Taka anyway—

  
“Ah, _yamette! Yamette!!!_ ” Tomoya’s squeals can be heard in the background, sounding like a pig about to be slaughtered.

  
“That’s dangerous, you know?” Ryota’s tired and fed-up voice can also be heard, “Mou, stop hitting him with drumsticks, Mori-chan!”

  
“That’s what he gets for being so loud!”

  
Ah. _There he is._ Bullying Tomoya to death again.

  
So he really is alone in facing the curious— _suspicious_ —stares of the half-Aermican, huh? _Well, fuck me._

  
“Ehrrr,” he said, his eyes darting everywhere just to escape those gazes. He watched as Taka and Tomoya run around like hyperactive kids—

  
“I’m gonna tickle you to death!”

  
“No, no, no—ahhh!”

  
“ _Abunai yo!”_

  
—as he realized that he should just focus make up shits to _feed_ the lead guitarist. He don’t wanna lie but Alex-senpai is _perceptive_ as fuck so he probably already have an idea, right? So there’s really _no need_ to Toru to deny that he just shamelessy ravaged Takahiro a few minutes ago. But still, there are other _people_ around— _Ryota and Tomoya_ were still around and he don’t want to…taint their pure, _virginal_ minds by saying that they’ve just had a steamy make-out session in an unoccupied toilet room earlier. Nah. Those two would definitely be _scarred for life._

“We…” _shit shit fuck,_ why did he even had to say we—look, Alex-senpai’s gaze turned into _laser beams gah_ —, “I mean, _Taka_ said that he really really needs to go to the toilet,”

  
He blinks when everyone and everything suddenly went silent. Ryota stopped munching away, Tomoya stopped fighting Taka off him— _wait, when did he even ended up laying on the floor with Taka above him_ —and the vocalist abruptly pulled his hands away from the drummer’s sides to openly _gawked_ at him in disbelief.

  
It was so quiet, so _dead silent_ in that room. For a moment, no one blinks, no one moves—hell, no one even _breathes_ as they all stared at Toru, silently pressuring him to continue saying his excuses.

  
_Crap, crap!_

  
Now he wanted to glare everything that went wrong on his life to Taka! Damn that _midget_! This is all his fault!

  
...

  
And that’s what he _absolutely_ did.

  
He gulped, the sound loud in the eerie quietness of the room, “And he said that he was scared that there might be ghosts in the toilet so—,”

  
“Toru-san, you damned liaaaar!!!” Taka bellowed as his cheeks exploded with vivid scarlet when he realized that Toru had just blurted out a lie—much to his humiliation.  
Everyone laughed at the expense of their vocalist at that. Everyone _except_ for Alex-senpai who just hummed before giving him a _knowing_ look.

  
Shit.

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
Everything was going fine—Toru had managed to avoid Alex-senpai and his questions like the _plague_ for a week—but then, _Taka had to ruin it,_ one fine day when they were eating in his unit. They will be having an interview for a magazine tomorrow so they decided to chill out for today. The food was great—as usual—and they we’re talking about stuffs about their upcoming tour after the release of their album when Taka spoke.

  
“Guys, I’m _bi_ ,” he said after putting down his chopsticks over his bowl of rice.

  
…

  
It…

  
It was dead silent for a moment. Toru can hear everyone’s jaw dropping onto the table with a loud thump—heck, some of the food inside Tomoya’s mouth even _slipped past his lips_ because of pure, _unadultered_ shock at that sudden revelation.

  
Which hits Toru like a fucking 16-wheeler truck because _matte, matte, matte!_

  
What happened with the _secrecy_ stuffs they’ve talked about last time?!

  
_I thought no one’s gonna know about this?!_

  
Holy shit—Toru felt like _retching_ all over the table. He clamped a hand over his mouth as he glared at the older teen, who’s busy staring at his bowl of rice as if it’s the most important thing in the world.

  
“W-what,” Ryota was the one first regain the ability to shut his mouth and to speak, “What do you mean, Mori-chan? _Bi_ as in _bipolar_?”

  
_Oh Ryota…_

  
Toru felt like slapping his palm on his face at the genuine _naivety_ of their youngest member. It was endearing of him to think that Taka is coming out as a _bipolar bastard_ instead of a _bisexual idiot_ , really. It was endearing and cute and _ridiculous_ all at the same time.

  
“No,” Taka looked up—subtly glanced at him, making Alex-senpai’s eyes _zoomed_ at him in suspicion—before answering, “I’m _bisexual_.”

  
Then Tomoya started coughing out all the food from his mouth.

  
“What the fu—,”

  
“ _Gomen_ —,” the drummer excused himself as he dashed towards the toilet to… _I don’t know, puke his guts out?_

  
Meanwhile, Toru paled on his seat at the harsh reaction from their drummer. Blood drained from his face, especially when he noticed— _and desperately tried to ignore_ —the fact that Alex-senpai is totally staring at him right now with wide eyes.

  
Holy fuck, if looks could kill, he'll definitely just drop dead right there and then!

  
_No, no, shit fuck you, Taka!_

  
_Fuck you very, very much!_

  
He wants nothing but to lean across the table and grabbed Taka's head and slap him with all his _might_ because look what he had done! He didn’t even asked Toru for this! He just…he just blurted it all out like he’s just _casually_ talking about the weather!

  
“Eh, _matte_!” Ryota shook his hand over his face, a look of pure confusion written all over his face, “What do you mean bisexual, Mori-chan? Bi means two right!”

  
“Yeah, _genius_ Ryota, hoooo!” Alex-senpai sardonically said in the background.

  
“ _A-re?_ ” Ryota rubbed his chin in contemplation, his eyes wide as everyone stared at him—waiting for the _inevitable_ punch line that their youngest, dumbest member will surely deliver—, “Does that means you have two gender, Mori-chan?! Like a…like a girl’s—,”

  
“ _Ahahahahahahahaha_!!!” Alex-senpai’s chair almost toppled backwards as he threw his head while cackling in laughter. The whole table even shook as his knees bumped on the bottom of it, “Ahahahahaha oh ahahahaha!!!”

  
“I’m not, you  _moron_!” Taka snapped while Toru is so fucking ready to smash his head open onto the table top. Gah, why is he surrounded by idiots!?

  
“Eh? What did I missed?” Tomoya asked while padding back to his chair. Toru glared at him, “Shut up,” making the drummer stiffened on his seat.

  
“What did I do now, Toruge?!”

  
“Don’t call me Toruge!”

  
“Eh?!” the durmmer’s head snapped towards the half-American who’s still busy on…laughing his ass off the witty deduction of their bassist, “Why’s Alex laughing like hell?”

  
“He’s crazy,” Taka an Toru said at the same time, with the same bored voice as if they’ve rehearsed saying that line for _years_. Their eyes met for a moment, with Taka glaring at him as if he’s the one to blame for their bandmates’ weird reactions.

  
_Taka: Fucking stop them!_

  
_Toru: Why me? This is your fault!_

  
“Mou, stop laughing you assholes!” Taka said, even if it’s only Alex-senpai who’s laughing merrily at his expense, “I’m serious here!”

  
Everybody went silent again at that, especially when Taka gripped his chop sticks a bit _tighter_ , like he’s just gonna _stab_ anyone who dare to laugh at him. And everyone loves their _life_ so they instantly went quiet before they all look on the table top with wide, disbelieving eyes—well, except for Alex-senpai who’s obviously just preventing himself from cackling out loud again.

  
“Eh…” Alex-senpai coughed into his hands before he turned towards their vocalist with a leering smile on his face, “What do you want us to say, Mori-chan?”

  
Four pair of eyes zoomed towards the face of their equally confused vocalist, “ _Maa_ …You don’t have to tell me anything. I just…just opened it up to you guys so you won’t have to feel _skittish_ around me, ya know?” he started using tracing imaginary lines on the table.

  
“Eh, _nande_?” Ryota asked, looking around him for any kind of response but when he met Toru’s “ _shut the fuck up_ ” gaze, he immedietaley turned his attention back towards their restless vocalist, “Why would we even feel skittish around you, Mori-chan?”

  
Damn right!

  
Toru felt a bit smug about that. He snorted and crossed his arms over his chets before leaning back on his seat to glare at Takahiro.

  
“I don’t know,” Taka shrugged, “Probably because I like girls—,”

  
“What’s worng with that, Mori-chan?”

  
“—and _boys_ ,” Taka said with a firm, strong voice—leaving no more room for further arguments. Well…Toru just stared at the vocalist, wondering when they can have some time alone so he can shake some sense into the older teen’s head because you _don’t just say things like that to veryone, you big idiot!_ Even Toru had to _hide_ his…attraction to Takahiro for weeks because he doesn’t want his band mates—especially the object of his affections—be _uncomfortable_ around him!

  
_But Taka is different,_ he mournfully realized. He is very vocal now about his thoughts, _honest_ about his feelings. He wears his emotions on his sleeves—making the whole wide world easily figure out if he’s mad or happy or sad.

  
And…and now that he’s thinking of it, Toru thought as a frown marred his smug face, Taka probably wants the exactly same goal—and the only way to make your bandmates not uncomfortable about you is to tell them— _head on—_ what’s the real deal.

  
“Look, I know that it’s hard to accept, but I just realized that these past _few days—_ ,”

  
Cue Alex-senpai’s _laser beam glares_ at him.

  
No, he’s not even looking at Toru _couriusly_ anymore, he’s actually looking like he’s gonna _strangle_ him for not giving updates about the development of his relationship with Taka. He'll definitely bore some holes onto Toru's head if he won't stop glaring af him like that.

  
Toru instantly averted his gaze on focus on the aquarium where the Aruwana fishes are.

_Wow, they’re getting big now. I wonder if they'll be tasty? But the shop owner said that we can’t eat them…_ besides, Taka would definitely feed him to the sharks in some part of the Pacific Ocean just for thinking of making a meal out of his _pets_.

  
Pets given by _Toru_.

  
_Whoah. Can we count them as kids_?

  
“—and I just don’t want this to change anything between us. I…I’m just…a little bit scared about your reactions, though?”

  
No one spoke for a moment. Those last words hung heavily in the air, and the only sound can be heard is the drone of the ACU in the background. And the sound of Tomoya’s munching on his food because _apparently_ , the conversation is taking too much toll on his mind so he just…started eating again as if they’re not in the middle of a serious talk.

  
“Hah!” Alex-senpai blurted out, a wide grin plastered on his face as he leaned back on his chair, with an arm propped on the backrest, “I fucking knew it! Took you _fucking long enough_ to realize, Mori-chan—,”

  
“WHAT.”

  
Toru felt his brain _exploded_ at that. What the hell?! He jerk his feet in an attempt to kick the lead guitarist’s shin under the table—

  
“Ow!” Ryota cried across him, before he looked down below the table, “Who kicked me?!”

  
—only to have a great _miscalculation_ on his part because it looks like he just kicked the bassist instead of the half-American. Toru muttered a soft curse before he simply pointed to the drummer, “It’s Tomoya.”

  
“What?!” the confused Tomoya looked up form his bowl, “I didn’t do it!”

  
“Mou, stop fighting like kids!” Taka snapped at the head of the table, “Don’t fight over a meal or I swear—,”

  
“Besides,” Toru can see the vocalist’s eye twitch in annoyance when Tomoya conveniently ignored him and continued rambling, “I bet it’s probably Taka-chan who did it! He’s the one always bullying us remember?!”

  
“Eh?! But he’s only bullying _you_ though, Tomo-kun!”

  
“Oh you fucking—,”

  
“STOP MESSING AROUND _MOU_!” Toru barked an order, making everyone almost _whimper_ in fear before cowering like puppies in their seats. He inwardly patted his self for being such a great _actor_ and for _getting away_ with accidentally kicking Ryota’s shin, “You’re not kids anymore. Besides, aren’t we supposed to be talking about…about what Taka is saying earlier? Not…not,” he threw as casual look on their drummer, “kicking each other’s shin?”

  
“But I didn’t do it—,”

  
“Enough,” he said, raising a hand up to stop the pouting drummer— _and to prevent himself from snickering like an idiot_ —before looking at Takahiro again, “What were you saying again, Taka?”

  
“What the hell—you’re not even listening to my shits, Toru-san!” he gasped in outrage, “Here I am pouring my heart and soul earlier and you’re what? Lost in your own world again?!”

  
"Well..."

  
"And here I am, trying to stop your members from shitting all over my table," he flail his arms in exasperation, like a battered mother who's ranting about her naughty children, "How about you?"

  
"Well, I'm trying to not strangle you to death, Taka."

  
Is what he _wanted_ to say but Nah, he just shrugged and stared at him, "I'm trying to absorb what you just revealed."

  
Taka _dramatically_ gasped—Toru doesn't know if he's acting that he's surprised or not because he could _totally_ bag an award for that reaction alone—before he scolwed at him.

  
"What," he spat, "You've got a problem with me being a bisexual?"

  
_As if I could have a problem, you shitty fuck._

_I'm probably the happiest man on earth when you kissed me!_

  
And _god knows_ how damn happy he is when he knows that he's the reason why Taka switched from being _straight as fucking ruler_ to someone who swings _both ways_ in an instant. But then again, he's still...have this tiny _fear_ in his heart because he knows that Taka _loves_ being with girls and if..what if he just realize one day that he's done with _kissing boys_? That he's done with playing the _curiosity game_ with Toru?

  
_Oh crap crap, wrong train of thoughts, WTF!_

  
"As if," he blurted out the moment those ugly thoughts find their way into his mind, "Doesn't matter which way you swing."

  
"Oh," Taka said, blinking owlishly before leaning back on his seat as well, "Just like I thought..."

  
"Besides," Tomoya said, after sneaking some more gyoza into his bowl, "What are you getting scared for Taka-chan? We're a _family_ here, remember? We _don't care_ on whom you wanted to date, _as long as you're happy_ , so don't be sacred, na?" he then grinned so bright that it almost _blinded_ everyone in the room.

  
Taka blinked at the drummer, "Maa...thanks?"

  
Toru sighed in relief as he watched thr vocalist's shoulder sagged in relief. He knows that Taka likes it being _reassured_ by the most important people in his world, I mean just look at that bashful smile on his lips! _It makes me wanna kiss him, mou!_

"And isn't it _better_ , Mori-chan?" Ryota said afterwards, "Like you can _have_ and _give_ more love! It's not limited to a gender!"

  
Everyone stared at their bassist. No one probably expected Ryota to be spouting _sensical_ stuffs like that, so they all looked at him as if he grew _another_ set of limbs or something.

  
"That's..." Taka scratched his cheek at that, smiling gratefully at their youngest member, "That's probably the best shit you've ever said, Ryota. Thank you—,"

  
"And besides," Toru gulped when the vocalist's eye twitched in annoyance when Ryota eagerly leaned forward— _conveniently_ ignoring Taka's rare as the fucking blue moon moment of gratitude, "Isn't it like the more people you can love, the _more chances of winning—_ ack!" he hissed when Taka delievered a soft—softer than Taka would always give to Tomoya—karate chop on the bassist's head.

  
"Don't compare my feelings to a lottery, mou!" Taka huffed in indignation, "It's not like I'll just date anyone!"

  
"Well, well, _well_ ," Alex-senpai grinned widely at them, " _Fun fact,_ Mori-chan, not everyone is keen on dating _you_ either!"

  
"Oooooh!" Ryota and Tomoya drawled before snickering behind their fists.

  
Well, _fun fact number two Alex-senpai,_ Toru haughtily thought as he prepared himself for the inevitable ruckus between their lead guitarist and vocalist, _as if I'll let anyone alse date this midget!_

  
"I _would_ ask if I cared, Alex," Taka said in a flippant manner, before he shrugged, "Gomen, but I don't."

  
Alex-senpai glared at the vocalist. Taka glared with equal hostility making the air between them crackles with _sparks_ and shits.

  
"Oh shit!" Tomoya cackles, "Does anyone have ice? That was a sick fucking burn!"

  
"Eh?! Shut up, Tomo-kun!" Ryota said, trying to reign the drummer.

  
"Well, I _certainly_ won't date you, Mori-chan!"

  
Goddammit, why is Alex-senpai still talking shit? He sound slike a kid who doesn't want to lose to his enemy!

  
"Surprise, _surprise_! I don't wanna date you too, you fucking pole!"

  
"Maa," Alex-senpai leaned back on his seat, his glinting eyes darted towards Toru as a lewd grin formed on his lips, "If I could date someone here, it's gonna be Leader-sama~!" he purred.

  
Toru shivered at that.

  
"What!" was Taka and Toru's indignant and very genius reply, "What the hell?!"

 

"It's because he's a reliable man, pretty-faced too and has this _mysterious_ aura all around him!"

  
"Well, you have this _perverted_ aura all around you," Taka mumbled under his breath.

  
"Why do I feel so _violated_?" Toru asked as he rub his arms to calm down the goosebumps on it. Damn, Alex-senpai really knows the right buttons to push to make people uncomfortable, huh?

  
"Because he's fucking violating you in his mind, Toru-san!"

  
"Totally _right_!" Alex-senpai grinned even wider just to mess Taka up. Now, even Toru is questioning the _stability_ of the lead guitarist's mental wellbeing like what the hell? Who in their right mind would want to rile a murderous, _cantankerous_ Moriuchi Takahiro up?! He probably don't value his life or even his pretty face for daring to do that!

  
" _Matte, matte, matte!"_ Ryota energetically raised his hand up in the air, " I would definitely date Mori-chan!" he declared with so much passion and brightness that it made Toru almost crawl under the table to hide from the intensity of it.

  
And _oh_.

  
"What the fuck?!" he suddenly slapped his palm on the table—which stings like hell by the way, at the sudden revelation. "What do you mean by that, Ryota?"

  
"Crap!" Alex-senpai muttered in worry, probably because he knows that shit would definitely hit the fan whenever someone is talking about Taka like that.

Especially right in front of Toru.

  
"I told you to not make fun of my feelings, mou!" Taka scowled, not even making any attempt to brush away the bassist's revelation.

  
"I'm not," he said before he fidgeted on his seat, "I mean if _we're_ dating, then Mori-chan would hang out in my place and clean the mess and cook meals for me!"

  
Tomoya chomped on the gyoza he stole from Ryota's bowl earlier, "So, basically like whatever he's doing for _Toruge_?"

  
Taka and Toru instantly went coughing like hell at that...holy crap. Why is everyone extra perceptive today, especially Tomoya?!

  
"Yeah, it's unfair, _darou_?!"

  
"It's fair!" Toru insisted, suddenly having this urge to justify that it's only reasonable that Taka would do those small things for him because they're...they're... _wait_.

  
What the hell are we?

  
_Are we dating?! Are we lovers?!_

  
Eh???

  
"Why?" Alex-senpai cradled his chin with his hand propped on the table, "Because _you're_ —,"

  
Toru low-key glares at the half-American, but when he realized that he's probably just sporting his _usual bored face,_ he decided to glared even _more_. If that's even possible because— _go on, Alex-senpai, say something about me and Taka being together and I'll flip this table onto you, go on, I dare you—_

  
The lead guitarist grinned at him, "You're the leader?"

  
Toru felt his shoulders sagged in releif that no one's _blood_ is gonna be spilled today, "Of course," he muttered.

  
Taka coughed even harder across him. He ignored it. He can go to hell for all the shits and sudden migraines that this conversation had brought Toru. He was so _done_. And it's because the older teen decides, on his own, mind you, to tell everyone his sexual preferences.

  
"Oh, now it's my turn!" Tomoya suddenly said, earning the attention of the entire band.

  
"What," Taka and Toru spat in unison, obviously fed up with the silliness of this conversation.

  
"It's my turn to share a secret!" he said before tilting his head in confusion, "Eh, we're talking about that, right? About our secrets?!"

  
...

  
...

  
Toru and Taka's gaze meet at that. They're probably thinking of the _same_ thing—wanting to _smack the hell out_ of their drummer's head for misunderstanding the point of the entire converstaion. Well, _that_ or they're trying to think of ways on how to get these idiots out of the unit to have a steamy make out session before they go to the rehearsals later in the afternoon. Toru could've easily agreed to the _second_ idea but Tomoya's carefree response is just grating into his patience too much so he's having a real hard time to choose.

  
"Eh, okay, Tomo-kun," Ryota nodded when he noticed the how the room plunged into a sudden silence. Hell even Alex-senpai turned quiet as a stone on his seat, "Sure, go ahead~"

  
"Okay, here I come—," he said before turning completely serious.

  
"I'm a shy person."

  
...

  
...

  
Taka turned his attention towards him—completely ignoring the so-called secret Tomoya had just spilled, "What about you, Toru-san?" making Tomoya abruptly stood up form his chair.

  
"Eh?! _Matte, matte_ , why are you ignoring me?!" he whined.

  
"Coz it's not even a _secret_ , Tomo-kun! We all know that you're a shy person!" Ryota said, patting the dejected drummer's back.

  
"Yep, a _total_ blushing virgin," Of course Alex-senpai has to say that, making the Hyougo kid splutter in indignation and...blush like a _virgin_ , "You're like a tomato when a girl fan talked to us last time! You're even hiding behind Ryota! And you're supposed to be the oldest here, hah!"

  
Tomoya pursed his lips, "It's not my fault that I'm shy around strangers! And it's not just on girls, I get fidgety around men too!"

  
"That's why you're a blushing virgin, eh?" Taka off-handedly commented, making the pout on the drummer's face grow bigger. Mou, he looks like a sulking kid like that!

  
"Why are you all so cruel to me, gah!" he complained before plopping back on his seat.

  
"Mou," Toru said in annoyance because he couldn't stand the pout on the drummer's face that will make you feel like you're the most evil man that has ever walked on earth, "the bullied child is taking out his problem, complaining like hell!"

  
"Ack! That's cruel, Toru-nii!"

  
"That's totally true," Taka nodded before he pick a piece of salmon from his bowl and put it into Tomoya's. The drummer eyed the vocalist in hesitation and slight... _fear_ because Taka doesn't _usually_ share his own food like that, well, _unless_ he's planning to ask a favor or if he's gonna bully Tomoya to death. "But Tomoya's performance is still good right? Like the best, beyond words!"

  
Everyone nodded at that while Tomoya just chose to look like a bright red romato. Toru scowls at that—he knows that the drummer respects Taka the most, and those words from the vocalist probably feels like some blessings from the heavens for Tomoya—but he agrees on it. Whenever they're performing on stage, he feels like Tomoya is doing his best to support them— _like a sturdy older brother_ —playing and watching their backs. And he could not be more proud to have this amazing drummer with them. They had made the right choice to recruit him afterall!

 

"Now it's your turn, Toru-nii!" he was abruptly pulled out of his ncie thoughts by the bassist's loud voice.

  
Toru glared at Ryota for diverting the attention towards him. He's gonna have it later, Toru promised himself, especially when Alex-senpai and Taka stared at him with the same look on their annoying faces—waiting, _prompting_ and asking him to make a fool of himself.

  
As if.

  
"Well, Toru-san," Taka drawled as he started to play with his hair between his fingers, "Bring it on. What's your secret, huh?"

  
He could've flipped off everyone and stalk out of the room because that's what you do when everyone is so _keen_ on making you uncomfortable, but he's still the leader. And a leader, no matter how crappy it is, will always be an example for his band mates.

  
So he just scowled, and flash a dirty finger at their vocalist, who just snorted in amusement.

  
" _Jaa_ , after this, no one's gonna talk anymore, okay, because I swear I'll—,"

  
"Hai, hai, you _murderous_ wonder boy," Alex-senpai noddws as he urged him to continue, "Go on. Blast us with your deepest secret—,"

  
"I used to work as a _host_ in Kabukicho," he deadpanned, making everyone turned silent as fuck. It was so quiet that he can even hear the chirping cicadas outside.

  
Ryota and Alex-senpai looked at him in _confusion_ , probably because they have been together since high school and _unless_ Toru had started working as a host in middle school when they were still in HEADS, then it's _glaringly_ obvious that he's spitting out a gigantic lie.

  
Taka looked at him with wide eyes—almond-shaped eyes looking at him from head to toe—before he _huffed_ and cover his mouth with his hand to _I don't know_ , stop himself from laughing out loud because he's clearly not _gullible_ enough to be fooled by that lie.

  
And Tomoya...

  
Tomoya stares at him, eyes blinking continuously like he's actually _believing_ his shits.

  
What the hell?!

  
That's why you're easily convinced and fool, you _country boy!_

  
Toru felt _bad_ for lying but at least, no one is talking crap anymore. They can now eat in peace and rest for a while before going to the studio later—like what they should have been doing if Taka didn't just started this silly secret-sharing shit earlier.

  
"But, Toru-nii, it's not—,"

  
He glared at the bassist, making Ryota instantly zipped his mouth shut. Toru breathes out a sigh of relief.

  
No one spoke after that.

  
It was a _divine_ silence that feel so good, well, until Tomoya finally opened his mouth to speak.

  
"Are...are the wages good, Toruge?"

  
Taka and Alex-senpai immediately burst out laughing while Ryota just looked at his upperclassmen in genuine confusion. Taka even had to excuse himself to go to the toilet, probably to calm his shits down— _I just hope that he won't jerk off in there. Well, not without me at least_ —while Alex-senpai chose to just dumped his face onto his arms, his whole frame shaking in laughter.

  
Toru remained as impassive as ever.

  
"Well, it becomes _better_ with your performance," he nonchalantly shrugged as he went back to eating.

  
"Oh," Tomoya nodded, "Cool..."

  
And then Alex-senpai howled in pure glee before he bounced away from the table, "Oh god, that was so fucking hilarious! Ahahahaha!!!"

  
Ryota looked at him on worry, "Toru-nii..."

  
"Shut up, Ryota," he said.

 

 

That topic was never brought up _again_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Taka admitting that he's BI (as we all know) was taken from the PatiPati Interview back in 2008 (I guess). In fact, the interview they mentioned in the chapter is same interview. I just made it in 2007 for morr convenience. You can find the full version here:   
> https://www.google.com.ph/amp/insane-spacecowboys.tumblr.com/post/50749761049/one-ok-rock-pati-pati-interview-2008/amp
> 
> -Ryota's confusion about the term "BI" was the legit reaction of some Japanese fans back then. They were kind of uncomfortable with the said piece, even saying that Taka meant bipolar instead of Bisexual. Meh. 
> 
> -Tomoya's not-so secret secret was taken from another old interview. You can find it here:  
> https://dnooriani.wordpress.com/2014/02/18/revealing-innermost-secret/amp/
> 
> -Toru's secret was taken from a recent translations from 10rukastyle in IG. I think it was from the Naihi Shinsho interview.
> 
> All credits goes to the lovely Translators who gave their time and effort to their works. Thank you very much~!
> 
>  
> 
> Any kind of feedback would be very much appreciated. Thanks for reading!


	29. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sex talk.
> 
> "I will never let you down  
> You know what I feel"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The piano version of Wherever You Are in the 2017 Ambitions Japan Tour was so fucking great that it made me cry for almost two hours in the office gaaaaah!!!
> 
> Anyways, this is a short, hurried chapter. I apologize for the late upload because I was actually thinking of stopping all my fics for a while until I find the motivation to write again. But then I happened to saw **wordsandnotes.png** 's IG story about the audio clips and it made my day like hell. Weekend is coming so hopefully, I can get back into writing stuffs again. Hopefully.
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine.

" _Mpgggh_ ," Toru reluctantly pulls away—which would be damn _easy_ if the vocalist is not caging him onto the closed door of his unit and not clinging on his neck like a _fucking monkey_ —from the warm, moist lips of Takahiro. After eating and making some corrections to their arrangements, they decided to spend the next few hours however they wanted it before meeting up at the studio for rehearsal. So, when the three other members bade goodbyes to them, Toru immediately closed the door and pushed Taka onto him to kiss him _senseless._

_Gah. I'm such a ducking pervert gah!_

They started with small, short pecks on each other lips. It was nice and warm with small chuckles and teasing in between—

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

" _Mou_ , you're such a _horny boy_ , Toru-san!" Taka teased as he softly pants while Toru is busy trailing soft, fluttering kisses on his jaws and neck, "Y-You sure you work as a host in Kabuki Cho— _shiiit_ ," he groaned and shiver when Toru tried to bite his vibrant red cheeks, "What the fuck?!"

"Oh god, please just shut up—,"

"Make _me_ , you—," he could not even finish that challenge because Toru eagerly—the intensity of it even surprised him—leaned down to capture those teasing lips. He can really kiss Taka in that _genkan_ forever, if his phone didn't just rang like a motherfucking _cockblock_. He was busy making Taka arch his head backwards as he peppered warm sloppy kisses on the vocalist's neck, relishing at every moans and groans he elicits from their very vocal vocalist, so he didn't notice his phone at first.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"P- _phone_ ," Taka breathlessly said as his fingers clutched his shirt to push him away, "Your damn phone is ringing!”

At first, Toru doesn’t register the sound of his phone ringing. It’s loud though and Taka is already pulling away from him—godfuckingdammit! _I hope that this is a matter of life-and-death situation or else_ —Toru would fucking kill the caller, _barehanded_ , for ruining this steamy moment with Takahiro. He let go off Taka, who immediately went on straightening the creases on his shirt, as he aggressively pulled the phone out of his pockets. He glared at the innocent gadget when he realized who the caller is.

Alex-senpai.

_Of-fucking-course._

That damn half-American who loves l _oooooves_ to ruin every damn moment, who loves to barge into the awkward times and catch them in compromising positions, the one who will probably give Toru a hell of scolding later on. He snorted at that, _it’s me who’s supposed to get annoyed mou,_ before he pushed the answer button.

“What?” he spat, the formality and honorifics that he usually used for the lead guitarist came flying out of the window. Taka even glanced at him in confusion because he rarely used that indifferent, totally impolite manner of speaking.

“Rude, Toru, _rude_ ,” Alex-senpai said in the other line, “Are you done _ravishing_ our dear vocalist, hmmm? Can you now get your ass out of his unit so we can finally talk about…certain _things_?”

Please take note that none of them even greet each other with a _“Hi”_ or _“Hello”_ or even _“Fuck You”_ like any _normal_ person would—no, they just casually went on stating their intents, which is good for Toru because he really doesn’t want to talk to the guitarist any longer. But he realized that he could not run and hide from Alex-senpai forever. He’s smart—when it comes to things like love and kissing and _god-forbid_ , sex—and he’s already glaring holes through Toru earlier so this kind of conversation is inevitable.

“Fine,” he finally yielded, “Where are you even?”

“Downstairs.”

His eyes almost bulged out of his sockets at that.

“WHAT.”

“Don’t worry, I _didn’t_ hear your panting and groaning and Taka asking you to make him shut up—,”

_You totally did, you motherfucker!_ A vivid scarlet creep onto his entire face and neck as he remembered that Alex-senpai is a perverted piece of shit, so he would totally listen to them making out. Holy crap, what if he’s actually just beyond this door?! Toru felt the urge to fling the door open but his face is heating up in an alarming rate. This is probably how Taka feels whenever he’s having a blushing spree.

“Fine, you creep,” he hissed, “I’ll be there in a minute,” he hang up and put his phone back into the pockets of his jeans. He then glanced at Taka who’s raising an inquisitive brow at him, “I’ve gotta go.”

Taka looked displeased for a moment, probably because they still haven’t had their fill of making out for today, but he nodded nonetheless. He crossed his arms over his chest and smirked teasingly up at him, “So this is kinda like _kiss and run_ , huh, Toru-san?”

“…what?”

“Nothing, you dumbass!” he said, laughing—if it’s forced or genuine, Toru can’t tell anymore because _Taka sure acts so good, huh?—_ as he pushed him out of his genkan, “Don’t forget our rehearsal tonight, okay?”

“But—,”

“Go.”

Fine. He huffed before going out of the unit, before Taka slammed the door behind him. What the hell’s wrong with that bipolar asshole again? Anyways, he was actually surprised to find the corridor empty of Alex-senpai. He lazily trudged towards the stairs and his frown deepened as he saw the half-American leaning on the guard rails, his eyes trained at Toru and an obviously displeased smile was plastered on his face.

_Uh-oh._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“I knew that there’s something going on from the moment you disappeared the day before the barbecue,” Alex-senpai said as they stared at the Gingko trees lining the avenue where they’re walking. They’ve decided to just go into the studio and have the “talk” there while waiting for the others to get their asses over there. Well, it’s more like Alex-senpai decided to have the “talk” there to, you know, avoid getting heard by anyone in the streets, “When Tomoya couldn’t reach the both of you, I felt that there’s something _shitty_ going on. Guess that I’m right?”

The warm summer air is blasting off their faces, ruining Toru’s hair in the process _. It’s getting longer, huh?_ He should cut it soon, or just use some hair products to make it look spiky and avoid getting stabbed in the eye.

Toru pursed his lips as he walked behind the taller man, “You just heard all the things I told you Alex-senpai. So yeah, you’re right. Something _did_ happened.”

Alex-senpai hummed as he halted in front of the studio. He opened the door and beckoned him to go first. Toru begrudgingly obliged, taking the steps towards the underground studio with the half-Amercican trailing closely behind him. The studio was empty and dimly lit at the moment, but after a few hours, it will become _alive._ When everyone is here, when everyone is playing their instruments, when Taka is singing their songs. He couldn’t wait for that, even if they’ve just finished having a jam session in the vocalist’s unit earlier. Since releasing their first single, only two things have been running into his mind—the first was his confusing feelings for Taka back then, the second is playing music every hour of every day. Music has been his _life_ , the band has been his _family_ , Taka has been his _home_ in the past few months and every time he the instruments lying around, he would have this urge, the itch to play it again _and again_ until the adrenaline he can feel during their lives rush through his entire being.

He padded towards the guitar, sits on the long, yellow couch and propped it onto his lap as he waited for the lead guitarist to seat on the same couch as well.

“So Taka dumbly kissed you while he’s totally shit-faced, you kissed back even if you’re stone-cold sober,” Toru winced at the harsh tone of the older, “then both of you get anxious and blamed yourselves for taking advantage of each other. What the hell, Toru! That’s a fucking _mess!_ ”

“Tell me about it, Alex-senpai,” he snorted as he strummed a few chords on the guitar, the sound loud in the silence of the lounge, “It’s really shitty like a roller coaster ride but at least we’re alright now. Isn’t it the _most important_ thing here?”

“Is it, _really_?”

Toru’s mouth instantly shut themselves at that. Alex-senpai is looking at him with a solemn look on his face, like he _knows,_ like he can _read_ Toru’s mind at the moment. Of course it was the most important thing. Toru would give _up everything_ to have a nice and normal relationship with Taka, just like what they had before that shitty kissing scene. It’s the most important, the thing that can keep their band going and not…not _collapsing_ into pieces just because they’re feeling uncomfortable with each other, but is it what he _wanted_?

_No, god knows, no._

He wanted Taka to _like_ him, tell him that they will be _exclusively seeing each other_ , tell him that Taka won’t start _fawning and dating girls_ anymore. But he couldn’t ask any of that from the vocalist because _hello, isn’t this a one-sided affair?_ It’s only Toru who’s attracted to the teen, and even if Taka told him that kissing him is not disgusting, he _wouldn’t_ return his feelings. And Toru wants to kick himself for actually thinking like that, like he could _monopolize_ Taka in every way to just look _only at him_ , listen _only to him,_ smile _only for him,_ kiss _only him._

“It’s…” he swallowed,  hard, before licking his parched lips, “It’s for the _best_ Alex-senpai. We couldn’t afford to lose focus on the band now that we’re about to have our first album.”

Alex-senpai looked like he wanted to say more but he probably registered the lost, hopeless look on Toru's face that he decided to just shut up— _which is good_ —and leaned back to stare at the ceiling, “Ever the good leader huh? _Maa_ , at least you’ve got some development like,” he then turned towards his direction to show a toothy grin, “Mori-chan is now swinging for both team! Damn, you must be one hell of a kisser to bend him like that, huh?!”

_Ehhh…_

“…is that a low-key _“come-kiss-me”_ suggestion, Alex-senpai? Coz I’ll not hesitate to smash this guitar on your face you know?” he said, as he subtly inched away from the lead guitarist. Alex-senpai’s words about him wanting to date Toru is still ringing in his ears, even if that’s meant to be a joke or just to rile up Taka or what-the-fuck-ever.

…

“Well,” Alex-senpai shrugged, “If I say yes, would you—oh, _oh_ , okay, calm down, Toru, put that guitar down, _Jesus Christ_ ,” he muttered when Toru obeyed and put down the guitar he just raised high in the air with every intent to obliterate the ikemen face of their lead guitarist, “Kids these days mou!”

“You’re just a year older than me!”

“You’re really gonna hit me with a guitar, Toru?” Alex-senpai _dramatically_ asked in disbelief while Toru’s eye twitch in further annoyance. Why did he even went out to talk to this…this… _whatever Alex-senpai is, in the first place, mou!_ “You’re gonna hit your good senpai who made you realize your feelings for Mori-chan huh? If not for me, then you would still be walking in the dark, you ungrateful _kouhai_!”

“I’m gonna come to terms with it sooner or later, with or without your help Alex-senpai,”

_Lies._

Toru would totally be still walking in the dark, endless alleys of denial and confusion if Alex-senpai didn’t forced the idea that he’s indeed attracted to Takahiro for a long time now.

“So yeah, I’m gonna smash this guitar on your face if I hear you saying creepy things like that.”

The older teen gawked at him with jaws open wide. It was long before he regained his composure. It’s probably when he waited for Toru to say _“just kidding!”_ but when a full minute passed and the younger guitarist’s face remained as stoic as ever, he just shrugged and weakly leaned back on his spot.

“I wonder what _went_ wrong with you, Toru,” he mournfully said as he wiped an imaginary tear from his eyes, “I didn’t _raised_ you to be so violent you know?”

“You didn’t raised me—,”

“ _Maa_ , but even if you became a complete delinquent,” Toru tightened his grip on the neck of the guitar, “As a good senpai, I will still give you the talk about the _birds and the bees_.”

“The what—,”

“Listen _well,_ Toru, sex with a man is not the same as doing it with the girl, wait,” the older teen’s furrowed in contemplation while Toru is desperately fighting off the strong urge to just dash out of the studio until he still has the chance to, “do you even know how _gay sex_ work—,”

“Ahhh!!!” he screamed out loud to block off the shitty words that Alex-senpai just casually threw around, “I don’t want to have this conversation with you, Alex-senpai! You’re not even _my father_!”

“Would you want your father tell you shits about _gay sex_ , Toru?”

…

Toru instantly fell quiet at that. Dammit, why is he making such a good point?

“…no…”

“See?!” Alex-senpai smugly let out a hearty chuckle, “I’m the only one who could help you so be a good kid, ne?”

“I’m not a kid—,”

“So! You just have to pin him down— _good luck on that by the way_ —spread his legs and push your dick into his ass,” Alex-senpai said in a continuous, chirpy voice that makes Toru cringe with every word spoken. How…how can Alex-senpai say those kinds of things aloud…even if they’re alone in the studio…as if he’s just explaining how to eat a cake or something. Toru’s face paled as his jaws slacked open.

Oh god, are they really talking about this…about…

He started heaving at the utter ridiculousness of this conversation but when his dirty, dirty mind decided to flash images of Taka, sprawled on a bed, shirt bunched upwards, cheeks flushed, his swollen lips look like _sin,_ and his eyes— _half-lidded_ —are glassy, lost and wanting as he stares up at Toru who’s kneeling between his legs.

Damn. _DAMN. FUCKING HELL._

“But make sure you use protection ne?” Alex-senpai was still saying beside him. Toru blinked out of his reverie, realizing that the half-American is still…existing and babbling about the do’s and don’ts in having sex with Taka— _in the future, tho_ —, “And prepare him good because Mori-chan would definitely slice your dick and feed it to his fishes—,” Toru shivered at that— _wait—_

“I told you that I’m not comfortable with this topic mou!” he cried out at last, like a bullied child who had reached the limit of his patience. He don’t need advice from anyone about fucking his beloved—wow, big words, Toru—he can learn all of that from porn, dammit! That’s what the internet is for!

“Just stop okay?! I don’t have any plans on fucking Taka—,”

Alex-senpai immediately erupted into massive giggling fits at that, as if Toru had just delivered the _biggest punch line_ of the century.

“—yet,” he frowned. _It’s not the same thing right_? “So please shut the fuck up, Alex-senpai. Seriously…mou…”

“Ah, Toru… _Toru…_ ” Alex-senpai mournfully shook his head sideways as a rueful smile made its way on his lips, “You’re gonna fuck this all up, trust me. When that day comes, you’re gonna regret not listening to my helpful advice—,”

“What helpful—,”

“—but hey, what’s more important is that you’ve already _told_ Taka your feelings about him, right?” he said, smiling at him with a hopeful, seemingly innocent look on his face. He don’t know if the older is just messing up with him, or if Toru _forgot to mention_ that shitty fact earlier. Well, maybe both because his mouth suddenly went dry, wanting to taste a cigarette as his mood deteriorates like fuck. _Damn, where are the others?_ He couldn’t take talking with this…this insensitive bastard who unknowingly rubs salt to his bleeding wounds dammit!

Toru breathed a deep, deep sigh before he look down on the guitar on his lap before he solemnly responded a quiet, “I haven’t told him yet, Alex-senpai…”

It was dead silent in the next few minutes. It was deafening. And maddening because the lead guitarist is now eyeing him with so much shock, with so much bewilderment that he thought he’ll just _combust_ on fire right there and then.

“… _but_ …” Alex-senpai looked confused for a moment, he tilted his head as he flail his arms when words obviously failed him, “…but you’re already _kissing_ right? How come that…”

Toru shrugged, stubbornly evading the pitiful looks the older is giving him. He’s probably thinking _how awful_ his situation is, _how pathetic_ Toru is for allowing their relationship to grow without any assurance that it’s real and not just a casual… _fling or game or past time_ to satisfy their youthful, hormone-driven curiosity. The silence went on without anyone of them talking.

He preferred it though. He doesn’t need any words of comfort, anything to console him or someshit because he had chosen this…he had _chose_ n to keep silent when Taka asked about the words he said before the fireworks went off last time…he had chosen to put it aside, _no matter how much it hurts._

“Ah, Toru…” Alex-senpai said in a hushed, almost pained and exasperated tone, “You are deeply _fucked_.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing is canon in this chapter!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Any feedbacks would be very much appreciated! Also, thanks to those who personally reached out to me last time. I'm really, really grateful for your lovely words of encouragement! Until the next chapter~!


	30. Yokubou ni Michita Seinendan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre-Zeitakubyo.
> 
> "The light shines again, and this time so that we don’t get tricked  
> We have a goal: a group of young people full of desire"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Takaaaaa!!! (tho you won't read this but LOL it's the thought that always count)
> 
> Anyways, I'm here with a short, lameass chapter again! God, I really should start writing like a responsible author again instead of getting sick (I'm currently running a fever right now) and getting distracted by a lot of things. I've written this chapter while waiting for the Nagoya Dome day 1 show. It went quite normal but the second day?! Goddammit. I almost busted my throat screaming like hell. 
> 
> Also, correct me if I'm wrong but remember the small live house in the We Are video they released recently? Was it the same one in the This is my own Judgement(Live&Documentary at Okinawa) (link at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WReWoOu6HhA)? Because it said something like this: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=166844524144667&set=a.134831600679293.1073741828.100024573619781&type=3&theater
> 
> UWAAAAAH, that's so fucking nostalgic!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It doesn’t have to take a _genius_ to know that summer has quickly rolled by.

Though the breeze is still somewhere warm and humid, Taka can already smell the distinct scent of autumn in the air. The green foliage of the trees lining the road outside his apartment building were starting to falter, slowly turning into yellows, oranges, and browns as days passed by.

Their third and last single for their debut album has been released almost a month ago, and even if it's different from their previous songs and EP's, it still went _well_ and landed on the 29th spot of Oricon Weekly Chart. Taka can still remember how they cheered as if they won the _lottery_ when the results were release because being in the 20's is _totally better_ than their previous spot in the 40's! They felt even better when Et Cetera has been chosen to be used in the same television program where Naihi Shinsho was used! _Ahh,_ just by remembering it can make a full-blown smile creep on his face!

It was so _satisfying_...like you can now lay down on your bed and dreams of greater heights for the future. But it surely didn't stop this...this _burning_ desire within him to go _further_ , create _more_ songs and melodies, to perform in even _larger_ places. Taka can _never_ be satisfied when it comes to their music because _holy hell_ , their just starting right? And he wants to _take it all_ , do it all, reach all the things he could not when he was still living under the shadows of his parents.

He was a greedy little shit in terms of success, the way he's greedy on Toru-san's _affection._

Like right now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They will be embarking on a national tour—well, it's just a few places but now that they're gonna release their debut album, their venues would be slightly bigger than the usual live houses. It can fit around 500 people, a great leap from the few hundreds of people who would come into the underground clubs just to see them perform along with other bands. This time, the hall will be _entirely theirs_. The stage will only be for them, the audience will only be _singing_ and _jumping_ and _head-banging_ along only with them.

 And it makes Taka's heart expand like a fucking hot air balloon. So much that he wants to just... _jump_ onto their leader's lap right now and kiss him _senseless_ because he's getting frustrated of not having enough _action_ these past few days.

And by actions, he meant _kissing and touching_ and all the other stuffs—even the pathetic taunts and teasing in between—they do whenever they're left alone. And leaving two hormonal teenagers alone together is not a bright idea because all they would do—well, in this case, all Toru and Taka would do—is to suck the living soul of each other every damn time. Be it in a public toilet or under the dark staircase of the live houses, Taka's unit, Toru-san's unit and even the _floor_ of their studio whenever they arrive before the others.

They were going at it like _rabbits_ in motherfucking heat.

Especially Toru-san who always stare at him _longingly_ with those intense heavily-lidded eyes like he's stripping him off with just his gaze or something that makes a _delightful_ shiver run down his spine every time he caught the guitarist staring.

And if not for the other three members who's now casually throwing Taka's unit into a chaotic playground, Taka _would not hesitate_ to look back at those half-closed eyes and kiss him and lick his lips and... _and..._

" _Jesus Christ_ , Mori-chan," he was startled out of his stupor when Alex leaned into his personal space, giving him a completely exasperated look, "You're gonna get Toru _pregnant_ with you staring at him like that—,"

"WHAT."

"—tone it down, will you?" he continued, ignoring how Taka's face erupted into a million shades of red, "Or better yet, _stop_ it so we could focus on _more important_ things?"

Taka scowled at that.

_Is there anything more important than kissing Toru-san right now?_

Heh.

He really should have his head checked one of these days. _God, what was that?!_ Since when did he turned into a... _mega bisexual pervert_ who constantly want to have a steamy kissing session with their band leader?

_Well, probably since you drunkenly pounce on him, idiot_ , his mind helpfully supplied. Damn, mind. Why are you getting so sensible today? _Where the fuck is your smartsy shits whenever I need you, huh?!_

"Now you're glaring at me!" Alex threw up his hands in the air in defeat, "no wonder Ryota was so scared at you when you first joined the band!"

Said Ryota looked up from his bass, "Eh? Did you call for me, Alex-senpai?" he asked in confusion, making Tomoya and Toru-san — _hell, who mam I kidding? The creepy stalker is probably watching them all this time_ —also look at them.

"No, he's not," he said through clenched teeth, glaring at the telephone pole before looking at the mess of instruments across him, " What are we even doing here anyway? Didn't we have a rehearsal tonight?"

Everyone stated at him.

"Ah! Taka-chan's not listening earlier!" Tomoya pointed an accusatory finger at him.

_Listening to what?_

" _Maa_ , I’m busy...' he tried to reason out, earning an amused snort from their leader. Naturally, he glared daggers ay the gachapin-faced rhythm guitarist, who just shook his head and proceed on softly strumming the guitar on his lap without actually saying anything.

_And god, if it didn't pissed Taka even more._

"Busy on what," Alex said beside him, "Busy on thinking about _perverted_ stuffs?"

This...this guitarist is really getting on his nerves these past few weeks. Alex would always, _always_ be gawking at him for some unknown reason. Like he's waiting for him to do something entertaining or waiting for him to just make a fool out of himself. _Good thing he's still unaware of his upgraded relationship, Toru-san!_ God, Alex would definitely let it off just like that!

"Busy on thinking about the _wonderful_ ways to murder you actually," he deadpanned before casting an annoyed look the seemingly sane member of their band, "Can someone finally fill me in? Can you Ryota?" the bassist instantly straightened on his spot on the couch, "Coz these assholes are slowly getting into my nerves, _mou_!"

"Don't fight, Mori-chan!" Ryota flailed his arms in protest, his longer hair bouncing as he did so—reminding Taka that everyone is almost having their hair overgrown. He doesn't necessarily care on how his band mates style their hair but Ryota is still in school, right? _Hmmm...I'll talk to him about that later_ —, "Gocchan called earlier saying that we should take a rest for tonight coz the album will be released tomorrow ne? I don't understand why but he said that there's gonna be no rehearsal for tonight, Mori-chan..."

"WHAT," he can feel his eyes twitch in annoyance at that sudden revelation. What the hell, they will not be having rehearsal? What's that supposed to mean? _Take a rest??_ How can they relax when they're gonna be releasing their album tomorrow??

_And for fuck's sake—_

"Why didn't anyone told me about this important stuff earlier, huh?!" he snapped, eyeing everyone in contempt.

"But we talked about it earlier, Taka-chan!" Tomoya defended.

"If you're not just so busy _eye-fucking_..." Alex shrugged, letting his words hang precariously in the air and making Taka want to just throttle him to death.

"That's what you get for being an airhead," Toru-san said—which really, _really_ pissed the hell out of him because it’s fucking insulting to hear it from a _notoriously_ dazed bastard like Toru-san himself! _Aren't you the one who's always looking bored out of your fucking mind and always daydreaming or someshit?!_

Argh!

Taka can't relax. He can’t “ _chill out.”_ Just look at how his knees bounced in irritation and impatience. He wants to hear the amplifiers, the deafening _screech_ of the static, the synchronized strums of guitars, the low bass and the loud, rhythms of Tomoya's drums. He wanted to play, practice their songs _over and over again_ until they can reach the level of their recorded album.

_This is so frustrating, mou!_

And by the looks of it, it's not just him who's having a hard time to relax and keep still on his spot. Tomoya is thumping his hands on his khaki-shorts as he stared on Taka's blank walls; Ryota is fiddling with the thick strings of his bass guitar; even Alex and Toru-san is sporting this sulking look on their annoyingly handsome faces as they strummed and plucked their respective guitars.

Taka scowled at that, and for some unknown reason, he felt this...this _unfamiliar_ sense of pride blooming within his chest at the sight of his restless band mates. Damn, he was so _lucky_ to find such people who would rather use all of their time in practicing, in getting better rather than spending it to play baseball or watch random MV's on the internet or just read porn magazines. Maybe it was because of excitement for their debut, maybe it was the pressure to play better, maybe it was the desire to become the best—but _whatever it is_ , Taka couldn't care less. He couldn't ask for _better_ band mates mou!

Now he wanted to _bawl_ in gratitude to Toru-san for recruiting him— _albeit forcefully and in a super creepy manne_ r—into this band.

Gah, why is he even getting emotional?! They’re just gonna release an album! They've done that with their three consecutive singles and EP's back then right? It's not like they're gonna perform in Tokyo Dome tomorrow so why does Taka's chest feels like it's gonna burst any moment from now?!

_Because this is your chance_.

_Because after this, there's no turning back._

_Because from then on, you will have an album on your band's name, you will be known, not as Mori's son anymore, but Taka of ONE OK ROCK._

Ahhhhhh!!!

He rumpled his face with his hands in frustration—well, it's the least he can do or else, he'll just fucking _combust_ or something—before he helplessly looked at the direction of their leader. Who, for some creepy and probably perverted reason, is already looking dead straight to his eyes.

_Ugh. Creepy asshole!_

"What should we do, Toru-san..?"

The leader slowly shrugged his shoulder in cluelessness, making Taka's stomach do a back flip.

But even before he can weep all over the floor because of the lack of brilliant ideas to spend their extra-energies and adrenaline, Ryota is already slowly raising his hand in the air like a diligent student.

Everyone knows that the youngest would definitely suggest something ridiculous again but hell, it's better than nothing, right?

"I..." Ryota began, making Toru-san and Alex groaned in unison, "I think I have an idea, Mori-chan..."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Tomoya asked for _god knows how many times already_ as they slowly climbed the stairs of the Amuse dormitory with futons tied on their backs. Taka could have just kicked the drummer—who's walking ahead of him—behind his knees in irritation, but now that he's thinking about it, they probably looked ridiculous as they trudged towards the dormitory with their instruments and futons on their backs all the way here!

And it's because of Ryota's idea to just practice in the rooftop of their dorm, instead of the studio, because it's _near and totally free_! They were all probably _high and desperate_ earlier to blindly agree with the youngest's suggestions, _instead of what_ , renting another proper studio in the downtown! Look at them now! Everyone is panting, especially Tomoya who has to bring Taka's electronic pad-type drums from the vocalist’s unit to this very building! And since the drummer looks like he's gonna keel over with every step he takes, Ryota volunteered to bring his futon for the drummer.

Taka instantly halted his steps as he looked up at all of his members on the top of the stairs, "Just a _fucking minute_ ," he spat, making the others tiredly looked back at him.

"What is it _now,_ Mori-chan??" Alex asked in obvious annoyance, his _ikemen_ face twisted with a frown.

"WHY ARE WE EVEN BRINGING FUTONS IN THE ROOFTOP, DAMMIT?!"

"You're just asking that _now_?!" oh. Alex looks like he's ready to _hurl_ the heavy futon onto Taka's smaller form.

"We agreed about having a sleepover on the rooftop, Mori-chan, remember?" Ryota smiled down at him.

_No._

"Why are we even gonna have a sleep over?! It's autumn, _mou_! We could get sick like that!" he reasoned out.

"But the air is still warm, Mori-chan..."

"Are we even allowed to enter here?!" Taka asked in a slightly hysterical manner as he looked for any signs of the land lady.

"We're still technically under Amuse so..." Ryota shrugged. Meanwhile, Tomoya is already on top of the stairs, bent over his knees a she wheezed on fatigue.

"Gaaaaaah!!!" he then screamed at the top of his lungs, "This is more tiring than a full-set of baseball game!!!"

Taka ignored him.

"But, _but_ —,"

"Oh, _for the love of god_ ," Alex snapped, making Ryota jumped on his feet—not Taka because he's not scared of this huge half-American; he's not even shaking, dammit!—, "Why didn't you disagree earlier huh?! If you would just focus in things instead of daydreaming on how to be _fucke_ d by To—," he instantly clamped his mouth shut at that.

Taka narrowed his eyes, what was he about to say? To be fucked by _who_?! And is that even possible, _getting fucked_ , that is? He's a _man_ for god's sake! It's his _role to fuck_ , not to be fucked!

A-anyways, the lead guitarist muttered some dirty cusses under his breath before he irritatedly glanced over their leader, "Hey, Leader-sama, will you stop your precious vocalist from bitching out?!"

Taka felt his entire face heat up at that. What the hell.

He had expected the rhythm guitarist to frown at the two of them for having a childish banter in the middle of the stairs instead of _I don't know_ , just moving forward, because a futon and a guitar is heavy especially when you ha walked from his unit towards here?!

But no! Said Leader-sama is already nowhere to be found!

"Eh?" Alex did a double take at the top of the stairs, "Did Toru just ditched us?!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

No.

Toru didn't ditched them. In fact, he was the first one to arrive on the rooftop. It's not like he's that strong to carry his stuffs without breaking a sweat, nor was he too excited on practicing on the roof top.

It's just...

He was greeted by the red orange view of the sky, well, the portions of the sky not being blocked by the huge buildings from afar. The warm, pre-Autumn air blows towards them, ruffling his messy hair and making his pale skin flush because of the late afternoon heat. The deck hasn't _changed t_ hat much in the few months he spent living in his new apartment unit. The cement tiles were still worn out, thousands of scratches littering on it. The link fence securing the perimeter of the deck were rusty, the old green paint color turning almost brown in the dusky light.

It was the same roof top.

_Ah...natsukashii..._

A full grin made its wicked way on his lips as he recalled that one autumn night when he dragged a half-asleep and clueless Ryota in this exact place. The night when he decided that he will form a band and decided that Ryota should go with him because that's _what childhood friends are for._ He can still remember how Ryota's face morphed into confusion and fear and doubt as he made him listen to countless Good Charlotte songs before deciding to take things more seriously.

They went to the roof top to discuss their plans, their dreams, their desires. And no matter how ridiculous it sounds, Toru can feel his chest squeezed in a good way at those memories.

_This is the place...the very place where we decided to start a band._

With an overly enthusiastic _, eager_ Toru and a constantly _confused_ Ryota who can't even play the bass.

This is where it all _started._

He don't know why but knowing that they would finally release their debut album tomorrow, makes him emotional as fuck. Perhaps he's just making a big deal out of it but who cares? They're _young, naive_ and definitely _passionate_ about reaching their dreams so it's just normal right? Right?? It was the album that they've been working on these past few months, the product of their blood, sweat and tears. The result of midnight practices, of countless revisions and the numerous acts to promote their band, to promote their music.

"Ah!! This is where Toru-nii started the band!" he heard Ryota screaming in the background. So they finally made their way on the deck _after a thousand years, huh_? Good for them. He can hear Tomoya and Alex's awed reactions but he still did not take his eyes off the bleeding horizon, "It’s so nostalgic!"

A _lot_ of things had happened since then. They had met a lot of people from different background, some left them, some stayed. They had experienced a _shit-ton of troubles_ that can last a life time. They made mistakes, fight and scream at each other, and messed up their gigs. He had met Taka, _the once shy takahiro who would stare on his shoes while singing with that pretty, unique voice of his_ , persuaded him to join the band, and developed this...this double-edged feelings within him.

_Ah, a lot had indeed happened._ They were not all good memories but damn if Toru regrets any of it.

_Who would've thought_ that he'll found Takahiro in that live house one winter night?

_Who would've thought_ that they'll found Tomoya amongst the thousands of people in Tokyo that day?

And for fuck's sake, _who would've thought_ that Toru would fall for someone of the same sex? That he would start harboring these sweet, warm feelings whenever he's near with Takahiro? That he would kiss a boy??

Damn, his 16 year old self would definitely _shit in his pants_ upon discovering all the shits he had done in the past few years upon starting this band.

"Your smile's creepy, Toru-san," he blinked doubt of his reminiscing when Taka came beside him, his guitar case slinging on his back. Toru subtly glanced at the vocalist who had his eyes clothes, as if he’s savoring the warm breeze coming from afar. Toru stared at him for a while longer, wondering about the possible things that might happened after their debut, until taka's eyes fluttered open before staring at the expanse of city skyline ahead of them.

"This place has a nice view, Toru-san," he mumbled afterwards, "...a perfect place to start dreaming, don't you think so?"

Flashes of that cold night filled Toru's mind. The starts were dimmed above them, Ryota is shaking beside him, and yes, the city from afar looks so alive with all the blinking lights of red and yellow and white. It wasn't perfect, but that _view_ alone is...is...

"You're right," he said, looking back at the sky line again, "You're _definitely_ right."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

They spent the next few hours practicing their songs. Since they couldn’t bring amplifiers in here, as if the dorm would actually allow that— _being their agency or not_ —they just settled on doing the acoustic versions of it. It's not really that bad, the gentle sound of guitars and the thumps of Tomoya's palms against the board filled the entire roof deck. Taka's voice is as high yet so raspy as well, making some of the talents drop by and listen for a few songs before going back down. Taka _sang and sang,_ until he can feel his throat constricting in exhaustion, until he can't hear the beats and bass anymore, until the riffs weren't synchronized anymore—until their perfect little acoustic jam session faded into the warm, November night.

But even after they're already sprawled like fucking starfishes on the cold cement tiles, looking at the vast expanse of dark night sky above them, Taka couldn't erase the huge grin on his lips.

Because this is _how_ he imagines the end of every performance—tired and aching and _voice cracking like hell._ And not until they reached that stage, that phase of _breaking into fucking pieces_ , they would not stop moving forward—until then, ONE OK ROCK would never stop.

"Y-your," Alex wheezed somewhere on his right, " Your English still sucks, M-mo _ho_ ri-chan!" he complained.

"Then try singing them, asshole!" he retort back, voice sounding hoarse like fuck.

"Gocchan would be livid tomorrow..." Tomoya worriedly said somewhere in his lap, making Taka had this urge to just kick him or something. And kick he did—

" _The fu_ —,"

Oops.

Taka instantly rolled away from the leader, who unfortunately received his side kick meant for the drummer. Damn, Toru-san looks so murderous huh? More the reason to just roll until Taka hut the link fence of the deck!

"Come back here, you fucker!!!"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

After eating their packed foods—which consist of kombini-brought bento and chips and tea and water—they were too exhausted to go down and sleep on the nearest room they can find. Which was Ryota's unit. Well, considering how messy the youngest is, they probably won't even fit in there so they just rolled out their futons and laid on it like fucking high schoolers in a camping site.

"What's wrong with that?" Ryota asked, "I'm still in high school remember?"

Everybody ignored him.

Then Alex suddenly pointed towards the sky, "Look, there's a—,"

"If you said one more time that there's a UFO, I'll fucking shoot you in your head!" Taka tiredly warned.

"You don't have a gun though, Taka-chan!"

"Look. Look at the fucks I give, Tomoya," he then lift his arm to draw a _huge zero_ in the air while everyone is was watching his hand motions like eager kids.

He can imagine Tomoya pouting, "But, Taka-chan...that's a zero..."

"Well, aren't you a rocket scientist!"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Their petty conversation didn't end at that. It goes on and _on and on_ , throughout the night, and for a moment, Taka thought that someone would just _stab the other_ one because of their stupidity, well, not until the rain fucking pours like hell.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!_

It must have been funny to see them scrambling like _headless chickens_ when the first drops landed on their faces. Everyone panicked, rolling off and hurrying to put their instruments and futons into the shade of the stairwell room. They could’ve just stayed there or go down into Ryota's unit but those assholes decided to play in the rain— _what are you, five?!—_ to cool down and laugh like fucking lunatics in the middle of the night. Taka didn’t joined the fun though, coz Gocchan would kick their sorry asses for sure if he'll ended up sick and voiceless again.

So he just watched them all running and sliding onto the slippery deck, and laughing so hard he cried at their horrible appearances when they tried wearing Ryota's small clothes after drying themselves.

Ah…he hoped that tomorrow, that their future will turn out fine…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The facts about Et Cetera were all legit.  
> -The part where they practiced in the rooftop, bring their futons on it and played in the rain were all legit (as per the latest translations from 10rukastyle in IG), tho I doubt it that it happened in a single day/night. The credit all goes to the lovely translators~
> 
>  
> 
> All feedbacks will be very much appreciated! Thank you for reading~!
> 
> Also, like **Li.an-san** had suggested a few days ago, I made a list of the major events for this fic and LOL, it only has 10 more plots to go. I planned DREAMERS to be shorter than Reason but then I saw the word count reaching 90, 000 and I'm like holy fuck, this is getting too long! Huuuuh. Anyways, I can't say the exact number but it will definitely fall between 150, 000 to 200, 000 words until completion. Damn. I hope someone would still be reading this until then.


	31. Koi no Aibou, Kokoro no Cupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the handcuffs were broken.
> 
> "I wonder, can the invisible heart be seen? Compatibility should be clear from the onset, shouldn’t it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm still recovering for that shitty flu and I can't still forgive Toru-san for not-posting a decent greeting for Taka. Like, what the hell dude, you ruined my draft for a birthday special for Taka! Now, I have to rewrite it again you fucking gachapin! So, this chapter is for you, leader-san.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine.

Zeitakubyo was their first ever album. It doesn't have any theme at all—which _they should really have thought_ before eagerly producing songs after songs—because they made the songs like they were meant to be separate singles. The management doesn't seem to have any problem with that so they just went with the flow. Good thing that the listeners accepted it quite well as their debut album placed 15th in the Oricon chart. After that, they will be embarking on their first ever major tour. And the venues were not limited to Kantou area, _heck_ , they will even go to Osaka!

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Can you fucking believe it?!" Taka asked as he folded _one of the many black shirts_ of their rhythm guitarist. He's currently in Toru-san's unit and seeing that the bastard is not so... _enthusiastic_ in packing up his things for the tour, Taka volunteers himself to help the prick. Because _contrary to popular belief,_ he's still somewhat _a decent young adult_ who would gladly take care of his younger band mates.

And by take care he doesn't mean... _getting molested_ while trying to help out here, dammit!

Taka has been sitting on the floor just beside the bed while Toru-san is sitting behind him, his arms wrapped around his _not-so_ slimmed waist, as he nuzzled his nape, ears, and the exposed skin of his shoulders like the _motherfucking creep_ he is instead of, _I don't know_ , helping me pack his own things?!

"I told you to _ahhh_ stop it, _mou_!" he tried shrugging off the younger teen's head off his shoulders but Toru-san just tightened his grip on his midsection—so tight that Taka _almost hurl_ out all the sushi he had eaten before coming here earlier, "And your hair's tickling my nose! Seriously, when are you gonna have a haircut?!" he snapped, trying to push the guitarist's face away from his shoulder.

Toru-san looked up at him, his heavily lidded eyes doing wonders at Taka's body, before he casually smirked at him, "Why? Doesn't it suit me?"

_Doesn't it suit you?_

Taka's almond-shaped eyes roamed at the youthful face of their leader. Now that Toru-san's hair is  dyed black again and not standing on its end like he used to look a few months ago, he had acquired this...this _high school boy look_ on him again. Like he's a _sane, normal_ boy who loves glaring the _ever loving shit_ out of everything and wearing black shirts even during summer. He doesn't look like a yankee-kun anymore. _And oh,_ Taka likes this look on him better because he's already twisting his body, the clothes already forgotten as he planted a chaste, soft kiss on the guitarist's perfectly sculpted lips.

Oh.

_What the hell._

Isn't he the one who's bitching out when Toru-san is getting _all handsy_ to him?!

And what did he do?!

He fucking kissed him out of nowhere! Like what the hell?! _So much for being a good young adult, gaaaaah!_

That's one of the greatest development in their relationship. Like Toru-san could randomly pin him over the _nearest hard surface_ and kiss him like there's no tomorrow and Taka won’t bat an eye. It's not like he hated it anyways because damn, Toru-san sure is a _good kisser_. And he also looks so hot whenever he's pinning Taka down, his eyes closed as he kissed his swollen lips—yes, Taka has been a _creep_ for watching the leader's expressions instead of squeezing his eyes shut like _any normal person_ who's kissing someone would do—his face marked with pure bliss like he did when he's playing his guitar.

_Damn. Fucking. Hot._

"Y-you," god, Taka wants to slap himself for stuttering, especially when he became the receiving end of Toru-san's bewildered, confused and _oh, totally aroused_ stares, "You don't have to cut it you know? It doesn’t look that bad..." he said before he busied himself on folding clothes again.

Damn, maybe he should just shift _careers._ With all the clothes he had folded neatly and quickly, he could make a shit-ton of money as a... _professional clothes-folding_ person. If that's even a _thing._

Toru-san watched him engrossed himself in packing half a year worth of his clothes. As if they’ll need it. It's just a few days on the road, dammit! But Toru-san didn't commented on it but instead, leaned forward as he propped his chin over Taka's shoulder.

"You're a _tsundere_ , Taka..." he said. And as if automatically, Taka shot him a nasty side glare that will make the pope weep for _days._

"Well, you're a fucking _hentai!_ " he hissed, trying all his might to elbow the teen's guts. "Why don’t you just help me out here?! Why am I even doing this stuff?! I'm not your maid!"

“I don’t even remember asking you to pack my things,” Toru-san said as he moved away—and no, Taka didn’t almost whined like an _abandoned_ puppy at the loss of warmth on his back—as the guitarist went on his closet to, _I dunno_ , find more clothes in there, “But since you’re at it, why don’t you search for my shoes then?”

“The _fu_ —,”

“The one that Ryota gave,” he then give Taka an amused, teasing smile, like _he knows_ that he was the one who chose Ryota's gift for their leader for his birthday last year, “You know what it looks like, right?”

Taka felt like he had swallowed down his tongue.

“Errr…”

“It’s under the bed, idiot.”

He gritted his teeth but remained silent nonetheless. This…this fucking _gachapin_ should _better be ready_ because Taka would surely kick his ass for ordering him around like a manservant. _Not today_ , he narrowed his eyes as he crouched to look under the guitarist’s bed, _but one of these days_.

Also, he would like to kick _himself_ for actually obeying this asshole like a fucking manservant. _I didn’t signed up for this shit when I joined his band, mou!_ He groaned as he saw a box—much larger than a typical shoe box—in the far corner of the bed. Thinking that it’s probably the one the bastard is looking for, he immediately went for it—stretching his short limbs to reach it. He even let out a triumphant _“yoshaa!”_ when he managed to slid it out of the bed.

_Eh?_

He tilted his head in confusion when he realized that it’s not really a shoe box. Well, it can fit another box inside it so…Taka grabbed the lid and pulled it up, revealing yet another shoe box—this time, it looks kinda familiar, kinda similar to the one he asked Ryota to buy for Toru-san coz it will definitely look good on him—and other… _stuffs._

Like a familiar magazine with a provocative girl wearing a police uniform. Taka wanted to snicker at that because damn, he knows that Toru-san is also a pervert but to actually get off over some cosplaying girls. _I wonder if Toru-san has that…cosplay kink?_

Taka froze at that. Why would he even think of those things?! Sure they’re _greedily_ kissing each other every chance they get but, they’re not gonna go that far, right? _I mean…I can’t really imagine overpowering Toru-san and…_

His eyes scanned the other content of the box—a familiar gleaming _handcuff._

…and…

Taka gulped as images of the younger teen flooded his dirty mind—Toru-san on the bed, _tied and cuffed_ to the head board while Taka is on top of him, moving and kissing and _moaning_ and…

…and…

Taka warily glanced over his shoulder—the guitarist is still busy rummaging his things in his closet, which is good, _so fucking good_ —before his eyes went back on the shiny metal. He carefully touched it, the cold metal so foreign on his feverish skin, and pulled it out of the box—with a huge, evil grin on his lips.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Uhm…” Toru nervously looked up at the grinning face of their vocalist. No, scratch that, Taka is not just _grinning…_ he’s smiling too wide, a bit _manic,_ that promises a shit-ton of mischief judging by how his eyes glint while looking down on Toru’s prone form.

It happened to fast. One moment, Taka is asking him to sit on the bed— _and I’m such a huge idiot for actually obeying him without even asking why_ —then the next thing he realized is that their vocalist had pushed him down, grabbed his arms and put them above his head, and before he can even blink, he's already—

"WHAT THE FU—," he started as he struggled to get free from the cuffs restraininf his wrists and binding him into the headboard, "WHAT THE _ACTUAL_ FUCK, TAKAHIRO?!"

Said Takahiro just eyed him with wide almond-shaped eyes, a grin plastered on his face as his eyes raked on the vulnerable form of their rhythm guitarist. Damn, he looks like he had just taken _drugs or weeds_ or whatever the fuck _, I mean, look at that blush! Why the fuck is he even blushing for?!_ And for god's sake, why did he even tied Toru down onto his bed—no matter how _kinky_ that sounds?!

" _Maa, maa_..." Taka said as he slowly _, painstakingly slowly_ , crawled over the bed and settled beside Toru. He looks equally shocked and confused and oh, totally aroused, as he stare at him, "I just wanna stop you from suddenly attacking and distracting me with your horny shits!"

 _Lies._ The mischievous smile on his full lips says otherwise!

"You don't have to cuff me!"

"Buy you won't stop even if I told you to!" he rrtoretdd before he let his eyes hooded. Taka looks down at him with a strange look on his face, if not for the fact that they've been together since _morning_ , Toru would say that Taka is completely _drunk and inebriated_. _I mean, that's how he looks like when he's_...back on the night they had their first real kiss together.

He looks so serious yet so teasing and confident and smug, smiling like he _knows all the fucking thing in the world_ that makes Toru ferl ashamed of his blatant inexperience in that field. And oh, did his _dick_ immediately reacted on that.

_Holy shit—_

“Besides, you have that magazine with a _nee-chan_ dressing up as a police,” he said as he raised his hand to touch Toru’s face. The guitarist almost _jumped off_ the bed—if not for the restraints wrapped around his wrists—when Taka’s nimble fingers fluttered across his cheeks, his jawline, the forefinger tracing the bridge of his nose down to his lips, which, for some unknown— _probably perverted_ —reason automatically parted open on their own. Taka’s eyes glint even more evilly while Toru wanted nothing but to die in shame and mortification, “So, how does it feel to be _arrested_ , huh, Toru-san, yo?”

_Fuuuuuuuuuuck._

Toru inwardly groan at the low, sultry voice that the vocalist used on him. Where did even Taka learned how to do this shit? Was it for his girl— _oh, okay, never mind. I don’t really want to have a mental image of those two fucking,_ but wherever Taka got this seducing skills, Toru must say that it’s so fucking effective. Just look at the obvious _tent_ on his pants, gah!

“I swear to god, Taka,” he hissed when those fingers didn’t stopped on his face, but trailed even further down—the column of his neck, his collarbone, his chest—, “If— _if_ ,” he stuttered, swallowing hard when Taka kneeled on the bed, hovering above him with a _predatorily_ look on his dumb face, “If you don’t, I’ll fucking kick your face. Don’t test me, you— _you_ —,”

Then Taka suddenly leaned down, so close, that their lips almost met in an abrupt kiss. Toru’s pupils went dilated at the close proximity of the vocalist, his mind reeling and his entire being _screaming_ to just get away or else… _or else…_

_I will really fuck you up, Takahiro._

“I’d like to see you try, Toru-san~” he purred, the words sounding like _sin,_ before he trailed his hand on the expanse of Toru’s stomach, lifting the hem of the shirt and gripping his sides with both of his hands.

Oh.

He looked at Taka’s eyes in pure, unadulterated panic.

No.

No.

Just… _no. Or actually, NOOOO!!!_

_Oh, no, you—_

“D-don’t—,”

Taka smiled—so sweet at him Toru feared that he’ll just barf _rainbows and sugar cubes out;_ the kind of smile that would make you want to knee him on his face—before he evilly tickled Toru’s sensitive sides.

“ _Ah fufufufuu_ —,”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was pure hell for Toru.

Like it’s the worst five minutes of his life, _hysterically_ laughing and _sobbing_ and cackling and cursing Taka to Mars and back. He thought he had died and was revived _over and over_ again just to suffer under those shitty fingers who made him squirmed and jump and fucking went batshit insane while Taka is cackling above him, sitting on his lap while watching him…convulse and laugh to death or something.

After what it feels like forever, Taka finally stopped harassing his sides, plunging the room in a deadly silence. Shit, Toru can’t close his jaws anymore. He probably let out a year-worth of laughter just by that! All Toru could hear was heavy breathing—from the both of them coz apparently, tickling him to death is also too taxing for their not-so fit vocalist—and the rustling of clothes and the clanks of metals against the bed frame.

“Ha… _ah…_ ” Taka panted above him, wheezing as if he’s the one who gets the brutal tickling, “That was… _ah…_ hahaha…see…your _ah…ha_ …face hahahaha…”

“Hahahaha, my _ah_ —ass!” Toru glared at him, twisting his lower body to get the heavy vocalist off his thighs, “I can’t feel my fucking lungs!” he said in an unusually rough voice, “I can’t feel them anymore you fucking bastard! _They’ve exploded_! You’re so gonna be dead when I get out of this shitty fucking cuffs you fucking— _mph_!”

The string of curses that he’s planning to say were halted when Taka put a finger on his lips to shush him, “Ah, Toru-san, you really have a nasty mouth, aren’t you?” he groaned, moving, forward to reach his face—dragging his ass along Toru’s tired thighs and… _and…_

_No, no, no, don’t fucking sit there you—_

He felt his groin sizzle upon contact with Taka’s clothed ass. He would _very like_ to just black out or something just to escape this…this _torture_ of being cuffed, being forced to laugh like a lunatic and…and have his erection straddled by the very cause of it. Taka must’ve noticed the look of pure horror on his face because _instead of moving away_ , like any sane man would do—or any _straight man_ , for that matter—he smirked down at him, _pressing and grinding_ his bottoms on Toru’s hard dick.

I _. WILL. FUCKING. KILL. YOU. MORIUCHI. TAKAHIRO!!!_

“Oh, ho, ho!” Taka laughed, making Toru want to punch his face for the false, teasing sound that came out of his lips, “What’s this, Toru-san?” he asked, even if he obviously know what the fuck he’s sitting on, before gyrating his hips, sending a ton of  voltage run through Toru's system. He feels so _fucked,_ like lighting had struck his core not just once, nor twice but a _million times_ because—

 _D-don’t stop_ , he panted in his mind—because his mouth had forgotten to function—, _harder, harder…_

…

…

_Oh god, I am so fucked indeed._

Toru wanted to weep in his horrible, _horrible_ fate of being helplessly attracted to this person…who’s now practically rubbing off his ass on Toru’s groin—like a cat in heat—just for the sake of torturing him. Yes, Yes, this is torture indeed, because if not, Taka would let him off the cuffs _and let him do the rutting and humping_ and gaaaaaaah—

“First you have some dressing up kink and now,” he said, hot puffs of air escaping his lips—well, Taka doesn’t look any better either. In fact, Toru can see the vivid scarlet high on his cheeks as he tried to pressed down further, but still maintaining the annoying smirk on his face just for the heck of it, “You’re getting off being restrained? Aren’t you _ah…ah_ …aren’t you a _masochistic bastard_ hmmm?”

“No, you fucker,” he hissed, trying to fight the cuffs again— _god, I really should work out in the future_ —, “You’re just a sadistic _ah_ …asshole for getting off on torturing someone!”

Taka bashfully blinked down at him, “Torture? Is that what you want, Toru-san? Do you want me to, uhm…torture you?”

He glared daggers and _everything sharp_ and pointed at him. Taka just smiled and clacked his tongue in disappointment before he suddenly— _oh no, no, you don’t_ —lift off his ass away from his burning crotch. Toru threw his head back at the loss of contact, his hips involuntary raising itself in the air to regain the agonizingly delicious friction, “You fucking… _demon_!”

“Ah, ah, ah!” Taka said as he sat beside him and petted his hair like how he would with a dog. Naturally, Toru tried to shake off his hands because that’s what you do when you’re getting more sexually frustrated as seconds ticked by, “That’s not nice, Toru-san. And put your damn hips down, it’s not good to _fuck the air_ you know—,”

“I’ll fucking shave your _ugly hair,_ you fucking—,”

“ _Shhh, shhh_ ,” Taka said before he loomed down at him, “Come on, be a good boy, _say “kiss me, Taka-chan~_ ” he cooed.

Toru growled and wanted to tell the older teen that he could suck his _massive_ dick, but he’s too angry, too impatient, too fucking fed up to even utter a word so he just glared at Taka without actually saying anything.

“Eh? You’re not gonna say it?” Taka blinked down at him.

 _Take a fucking hint!_ Toru huffed and averted his fuming gaze away from the vocalist. He would definitely die of blue balls but it’s better than to beg Taka to kiss him or someshit. He’s not gonna go that low. If anyone would do the _begging and whining_ , it will be Moriuchi- _fucking_ -Takahiro.

“Errhhh,” Taka scratched his cheek when he remained silent for a full minute, “We can’t stay here forever, Toru-san. We still have a tour, you know?”

…

…

It was so silent that Toru can hear the fucking crunching of dried leaves outside his unit. He can see Taka fidgeting in the corner of his eyes, those almond-shaped orbs glancing at his face, then his lips from time to time like he’s the one being _impatient_ to kiss him or something.

“… _a-re_ …so you’re not really gonna say it..?”

…

“…I…I could wait for, like, _ever_ you know…?”

…

“Uhm…”

…

“Come on, Toru-san, you can do it…”

…

“…”

…

“Oh god!” Taka finally— _fucking finally_ —snapped as he swung his legs over Toru’s abdomen to straddle him yet again, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, you freaking _gachapi_ n!”

“Well, that’s my line, you sadistic, _power-tripping_ — _mppph—mmhhh_ —,”

Taka held his face between his hands as he surged down to capture his lips in an aggressive, bruising kiss. Toru could just, let him kiss his lips without responding but damn if this is the hottest thing they’ve ever tried since…since starting _this weird_ relationship with each other. He instantly answered, arching towards the vocalist—licking along his full lips, coaxing them to open, and when they did, Toru didn’t waste any second to plunder the warm, _warm_ , moist mouth of the older teen. Taka let out a tiny mewl against his lips, his hands squeezing his face painfully before they aimlessly wandered towards his hair, ruffling the longer black strands like hell.

They kissed like _starving idiots_ for minutes, only leaning away from each other to catch their breaths and stared at each other’s lust-glazed eyes before diving and melding their lips together _again and again_. Toru would love to tell Taka to move a bit lower, plant those bottoms on his jean-cladded groin and _bounce on it_ until they both reach their completion but his mouth is too busy _sucking and licking and kissing_ the hell out of Taka’s lips—Taka who’s now reduced to a moaning, whimpering—“ _more, Toru-san, kiss me more, dammit”!_ —mess above him.

Oh, did he wanted to kiss him more, if not just for the cuffed restraining his fucking wrists all these times.

“F-fuck,” he wheezed as he angled his face away from the vocalist. Taka whined and tried to chase his lips _—“no, no, fucking gachi”—,_ “Take this cuff off me!” he ordered.

Taka who was seemingly in a dazed blinked down at him, “…mmmm… _what?_ ”

_I know you’re an idiot, but not deaf you fucker!_

“Get. This. Cuffs. **_Off. Me_**!” he repeated, putting more emphasis in each word so that he can pound it into Taka’s dysfunctional brain.

“…but _why_?”

“So we could kiss better, you dumbass!”

Taka stared at him, then to the metal handcuffs on his wrest before he glanced at him with now-wide, blown eyes, “Oh! _Ah ahahahahaha_!!!” then he started laughing hysterically above him. Good god, what _wrong deed_ had he done to deserve this...this idiot to torture him like fuck?! “Ah, Toru-san _, Toru-san_ …” he said, shaking his head in what looks like some mild exasperation, “I don’t have the keys to the handcuffs.”

 

 

* * *

 

“So, _uhm_ …” Alex awkwardly stand beside Toru’s bed, a bolt cutter gripped tightly in his hand. Mori-chan called him earlier, asking if he knows how to cut some…” _metal stuffs_.”

* * *

 

 

Naturally he said _no_ and that Mori-chan should just call some professionals or something, thinking that he wants to cut some pipe or chain or fucking _metal rods_ , but then, the vocalist suddenly let out a high-pitched laugh, drowning the sound of muffled curses and promises of _terrible, horrible, painful_ ass-kicking in the background.

_What, is that Toru screaming in there?_

Then Mori-chan started babbling like a fool, whispering words in frantic tone, like how a murderer would do when he’s talking to his mom and asking guidance on where to hide _and/or_ dispose the body of the person he just killed. Alex can’t really understand the fuck Mori-chan is saying, all that he can hear was _“go here and bring some scissors that can cut metal if you still want to see your kouhai alive for the tour, mou!”_

Then, the line went off.

_Ehhh…Why does Mori-chan sounds like a kidnapper asking for some ransom in exchange of Toru’s well-being..?_

And _more importantly_ , so it’s Toru who’s screaming bloody murder earlier! Alex wonders what the vocalist did this time to make his cute, _albeit stupid_ , little kouhai spit out curses like a fucking sailor.

That curiosity led him to this…this awkward predicament he’s into right now.

 

About half an hour later, he arrived at Toru’s unit. It was usually locked—probably to keep everyone, except for their vocalist because _god knows how Toru wants Mori-chan to just waltzed into his unit and get his daily dose of homo-kisses and hugs or someshit_ —but for some unfathomable reason, the door was left slightly ajar. Huh. That’s weird. What if someone actually kidnapped Toru?! Holy shit, what if he’s been abducted by _aliens_?! That’s so…

…so…

 _So fucking awesome_! He had always wanted to have a friend from the outer space! Or have his friend abducted by extraterrestrial beings!

_Meh._

Enough of that shit.

So, Alex carefully and silently trudged inside. There were clothes and backpacks anywhere— _what the heck, did those two threw clothes at each other while having a steamy make-out session?_ He eyed the discarded clothes on the floor in wary. _Ugh, I hope they use fucking protections._

So, Toru is still nowhere to be found, but Alex could hear some rustlings in the bedroom _. That’s probably where he is!_ He smartly deducted as he padded towards the door, turned the know and pushed it open, only to see a…

_…a…_

A very grumpy, murderous looking Yamashita Toru laying on his back, his clothes and hair disheveled as if he was just attacked by an angry jungle cat, and his hands tied _with cuffs_ into the headboard.

…

…

…

“Pffffft!!!!”

“ _Ahhh_ , don’t fucking laugh, mou!”

Tears instantly went streaming off his eyes as he cackled in laughter—bending over to support his shaking frame as he took into the sight of his kouhai, looking pissed and vulnerable like that. Holy crap, this is probably why he’s screaming his lungs off earlier! _Oh god, oh god!_

“Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!”

“Mou!” Toru growled, which would be intimidating if he’s not just… _I don’t know_ , tied down like _that._

“Don’t just laugh there! Cut these shits off me!”

“Ahahahahahahaha!!!”

“Fuuuuck!!!”

 _This is so fucking hilarious!_ After laughing his heart out for a good five minutes, Alex finally straightened up, but with a still wide grin on his face as he walked towards the bed. He shook his head and stared at his fellow guitarist.

“So, uhm…” he started, gesturing for the predicament he’s into, “So, you’re _into_ that shits huh—,”

“OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,” he winced at the loud, cracking and definitely _shaking with rage_ voice of his usually calm leader, “CAN YOU JUST FUCKING CUT THEM OFF SO I CAN MURDER TAKA’S ASS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE?!”

 _Murder,_ he snorted, _more like you want to bust it, you horny boy._

Look where your perverseness brought you.

_You’re probably livid that Mori-chan left you like this, huh?_

Alex put a hand over his mouth to avoid breaking into massive giggling fits again. As much as he wanted to laugh his ass out at the expense of his kouhai’s demise, he knows that Toru would surely also kick his ass for dilly-dallying.

“Ah, Toru, _Toru…_ ” he clacked his tongue, earning a gravely annoyed look from the younger teen, “What would you do if I wasn’t here, hmmm? Stay still, let me cut those links for you,” he said, smirking, before pulling out his phone—flipped it open and take a photo of this special, rare as fuck moment to be stored for _future laughing spree and blackmailing sessions_ , “Let me just take this one photo, ne?”

 

 

* * *

 

Alex went home with a bump on his head after that; but it’s alright, since he got ten pictures of Toru being cuffed like that. He’s just feeling bad for the poor handcuff…broken and dented beyond recognition before Toru kicked whatever was left of it under his bed again.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The facts about Zeitakubyo were legit.  
> -The handcuff shit was based on the MONSTER ROCK Special (that all of us probably had seen already). You know, the handcuff that Taka found in Toru's unit? In this fic, however, that handcuff was given to Toru-san by the vocalist as a birthday present (for those who hasn't read Reason, you can find it in the later chapters). And for those who hasn't seen the episode, you can find it here: https://vimeo.com/67438074 . Taka's bullied face is a bonus. The video is not mine.
> 
>  
> 
> Any comments and suggestions will be very much appreciated~!
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> Also: FUCK FUCK IT'S ALREADY IN THE 100, 000 MARRRKKKK GAAAAAAH


	32. Sonzai Shoumei

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagoya.
> 
> "How crazy even the voices that shouts fades, into the deep sea  
> Rescue me now"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m aliiiiiiiiive!!!
> 
> I apologize if this chapter is later than usual, the office works were just too…yeah. Besides, I was watching their previous fes performance for like 3 times yesterday that I totally forgot to…you know, write some stuffs. My favorite one is the Sweet Love Shower 2013! Tho it’s just roughly 25 minutes, the energy in that particular Fes was just too high! But it’s not related to this chapter, not at all.
> 
> So this is the start of their Quattro Tour, in the last part of 2007. It will be divided into three parts, one for every leg of their tour. While I’m writing these past few chapters, the term “calm before a storm” is stuck into my mind. Like we all have these fluffs and sweet and light shits to prepare for the fall—blah blah blah.  
> Let’s patiently wait for it, ne?
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine.

The Tokyo-Osaka-Nagoya Quattro Tour finally arrived.

It was their first time to be given a chance to perform in large places—in different prefectures—since starting this band. Everyone is hyped, bouncing with energy and youthful enthusiasm that they didn’t even make a fuss when Gocchan said that they would only be travelling through a Nissan Hi-Ace van all throughout the tour. They were _young and naïve and hopeful_ that they cheekily shoved all of their things—bags, clothes, and instruments, which are _not that many_ in the first place—inside the van, after waiting outside the Amuse studio even before daybreak.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Nagoya was their first stop.

Nobody has been in the Aichi prefecture so no one had expected the _fucking four hours_ of drive towards the venue of the first leg of their tour. When the first hour passed, all of the members started fidgeting on their seats like children not used on being still inside a cramped van. Tomoya and Ryota has been bouncing on their seats like fucking _toddlers_ after they’ve finished their games on their PSP while Alex is started suddenly talking about alien conspiracies and shits, even if no one is actually listening.

Toru-san is busy on his MacBook, doing god knows what— _it better be not porn, that shameless kid, mou!_ —occasionally barking orders to quiet down to the other members. Actually, Taka is still somewhat wary around the rhythm guitarist since the…incident just a few days ago.

The incident—which will be filed under the _“should-never-be-brought-up”_ shits that ever happened to them—was really hilarious— _I mean_ , unfortunate for Taka’s poor soul. Toru-san has been livid and _revengeful_ after that, storming into his unit after Alex had succeeded in cutting those shitty handcuffs. He demanded to be let into his apartment, and with his authoritative voice, Taka is reduced to a scared, trembling mess—holding onto his _spatula_ for dear life, just in case that Toru-san would go batshit insane at him.

But no, Toru-san just looked so fucking _fed up_ that he just sat on his couch and asked for a glass— _no, a pitcher_ —of cold water, because his throat apparently hurts for screaming non-stop for the vocalist, in a _non-sexual_ way earlier. He just smacked Taka on his head, glared at him and threatened that he would pull out all of his hair— _in every part of his fucking body_ —if he ever dared to pull that stunt again.

Taka, being in pain after getting his head smacked, dumbly mumbled something like, _“As if I could do that again, you probably destroyed the handcuff, right?”_ earning him a kick on his shin from the power-tripping leader. Oh, he was so fucking _close_ into throttling the guitarist and slap the ever living shits out of his annoyingly handsome face, but then, he realize that he should stay _humble and apologetic_ or else, Toru-san would probably get mad at him for real.

And that means _no kisses._

…

Well, Taka’s priorities were indeed somewhat _twisted_ but hey, _do you know how fucking good it felt whenever Toru-san is kissing me?_ No? _Good._ Because Taka would throw a hissy fit if he discovers that Toru-san is kissing another person— _oops, wait, wha?!._ Why does he sounds like a clingy, possessive girlfriend? Boyfriend? Or _what-the-fuck-ever?_

Aren’t we in a relationship, though?

_What kind?_

Eh..?

Even before Taka can have his brain explode at that complex question, Toru-san is already telling him not to mention that incident, for like, _ever_ again. And since Taka had just received a double-hit, he obediently nodded and proceeded on making dinner for the two of them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Anyways, Taka has been so fucking bored that he even started talking to the camera man. _Yes,_ they have their own camera guy who would follow their every movement during the tour, because apparently, the management listened to their request on having a documentary DVD that will cover the entire tour.

Like a _remembrance,_ you know?

If they failed this tour, at least they will have some memories even if they won’t probably have a next one, na? But Toru-san is so _keen_ that as long as everyone would play their instruments properly, and as long as Taka would sing with that voice of his, then they would surely have more tours in the future. Taka doesn’t really want to believe that because _hello_ , he experienced how it _hurts_ to fall from his career first-hand, but there’s something about their leader’s _words_ , something about his _strong voice,_ something about the way he would send out e-mails, and something about the countless times he would pat their backs before a performance, makes Taka yields.

_Optimistic fucker._

Anyways, their first reaction upon the news of a documentary DVD was pure, unadulterated glee; but when the hype was over and when Gocchan said that they should just act _natural_ , everyone halted whatever they’re doing, before they slowly turned their heads towards their manager.

“…what?”

Gocchan looked up from the paper he’s been reading all this time, “I mean, you don’t have to act like proper kids. Juts be yourself,” he shrugged.

…

Then everyone started to panic because, “ _Matte, matte, matte_!” Taka complained, “We will look like _idiots_ if we act natural!”

“And no one’s gonna listen to us anymore if they saw how Tomoya eat!” Alex nodded In agreement, earning a surprised whine from the drummer.

“Eh?! What’s wrong with how I eat?!”

Despite the ruckus and the entire band running around like headless chicken, Gocchan— _the ever bland and reliable Gocchan_ —eyed them with an impassive look on his face. It’s as if he had seen every shit in the world and nothing could make his life even _worse_ , not even dealing with five hyperactive kids panicking over some stupid DVD.

“So, _what_ , you’re gonna act cool and proper?” he asked, making the five of them freeze, “ _As if_ you all could really do that. You’ll just look even more stupid like that.”

…

…

No one spoke after that.

That day, everyone in the band realized how tragically cold, yet convincing their manager’s words are.

 

 

* * *

 

So here they are, doing all the shits they usually do, while the camera guy filmed them and while Gocchan is busy _focusing_ on not getting them killed in the road.

* * *

 

 

The Nagoya Tour came and passed in a blur. Taka can’t really remember much of it—aside from the dark hall, the lights focused on them all the time they were on stage. The ground is shaking, their voices and the weeps and beats of the instruments reverberated through the entire room filled with guests who came just for _them_ —just for _ONE OK ROCK_. The crowd were obviously pumped up, jumping and waving their hands to each and every song they performed.

It was also the first time that they have a longer MC. Taka had wanted to do it since a long, long time ago to shorten the distance between the band and the audience—past the small clear space between the stage and the mosh pit, past _beyond_ the barricades—Taka had always wanted that, to stretch his arms far, to touch what’s beyond his reach.

It may sound _dramatic_ but their performance is just…full of emotions, that they had to talk for a while to lessen their nervousness. This is the first time that Tomoya had ever gotten a mic, so he took that chance to finally speak—even though it’s a lame and just a pathetic attempt in doing a proper MC.

And since they’re running out of topics, Toru even had to tell the crowd about his recent birthday celebration. It was nothing special really, Taka just had to buy a _400 dollar-worth_ present, it’s not like he had given the universe to their leader. But then Toru-san called him a _bocchan_ and everyone in the audience suddenly raised their hands, asking him to buy them gifts! _What!_

_I’m not that rich, mou!_

_I even had to cut some of my expenses for that gift!_

“Eh?!” Taka asked, eyes wide in shock as he walked across the small stage, the dragging the cable of his microphone behind him, “Why are you all bullying me?! You can’t bully a sadistic person, _mou_!”

“Sadistic _, pfft_ —!” Toru-san snorted at his right side, just in front of Ryota who’s been standing in the far left-hand side of the audience, near Tomoya’s drums. He subtly glared at the rhythm guitarist who just looked down on his shoes, his overgrown fringes covering most of his face—but not the wide, annoying grin on his thin lips.

“You should bully Tomoya, though!” he said, walking towards the drum set and beside the drummer who nervously smiled up at him, “He’s a _complete masochist_ so if you see him loitering around Nagoya, you could kick him coz that would make him happy, ne?!”

“ _Oshu_!” the crowd shouted, making a bewildered Tomoya glance at him in panic.

“Eh?! What the hell!?”

“It’s because I’m a sadist and Tomoya here is a masochist, so we’re a perfect fit, ne?!”

The audience—and Alex _—“perfect fit?!”—_ but he’s probably thinking of weird, _perverted_ shits again—laughed at that, but Toru-san, on the other hand looks a bit…strange. It’s like he’s remembering something that can be attributed to Taka being a sadistic bastard. Shit.

“ _Mou_!” the rhythm guitarist waved his hand in the hair, “Stop saying things about sadist and masochists! You’re talking like you’re in a _suspicious relationship_! People might misunderstand that!”

Suspicious what?!

“Eh?” Taka bit back the retort and just proceeded on going back to the front of the stage, “Whatever~! Even if we’re now in the second half of the show, let’s give our best until the end!” he then opened his arms wide, the instruments resounding behind him, the claps and cheers loud in his ears as he take in the sight of the audience across him, “Once more, we are, ONE OK ROCK!”

 

They were so fucking dead after that. Taka had never felt so much exhaustion after any other performance they’ve made in the past year. _Maybe_ it’s the crowd, _maybe_ it’s the place maybe it’s the fact that this is their first tour— _but whatever it is_ , it fucking drained everything out of his system. He can even feel his soul leaking out of his body when Toru-san practically dragged him out of the changing room and into the van.

_Now that I’m thinking of it, Toru-san just dumped me in the backseat earlier!_

Taka can faintly remember how the rhythm guitarist huffed and complained on his weight befre he unceremoniously dumped his boneless body into the van. The other trio were already there, _mouths open,_ sleeping like fucking children after an exciting day.

Heh, maybe it’s an exciting one. But it’s also tiring, gah!

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They went to a hotel—all of them including Gocchan and the camera guy, _not just him and Toru-san_ —to stay for the night. Unfortunately, he was assigned to sleep in the same room as Onizawa _fucking_ Alex. Well, _it’s not like_ he hates the lead guitarist. It’s just that he really, really _, really_ don’t like being in a confined space with the half-American who probably made it a _life goal_ to perpetually annoy him or something.

“What?!” Taka groaned while hanging off Toru-san’s shoulders. Tomoya and Ryota hava already made themselves scarce while they stayed in the hallway to discuss some _important_ things, “Why do I have to share a room with him?!” he flailed his hand for emphasis, almost hitting the half-American on his tire yet still totally _ikemen_ face.

Toru-san groaned beside him, and judging by how his hold tightened around his waist, he knows that it’s just a matter of seconds before he would chuck him out of the hotel. Even Gocchan has to massage the bridge of his nose for yet another stupid conversation in the middle of the fucking night in some random hotel in Nagoya.

“Dude, do I look _ecstatic_ to share a room with you?” Alex retorted, making him want to kick him in the face if he’s not just so tired—and if Toru-san is not just clutching his clothes like hell. What the fuck, you’ll fucking rip my clothes if you keep on holding to me like that!

“Kids, _kids_ …” Gocchan said, “It’s just for a night. Surely you have slept together already, right?” Toru-san gagged at that, his entire frame shaking, before mumbling an apology for his extreme reaction on the word _“sleeping together,”_

“Besides,” Gocchan continued speaking, “There are two beds in a room, so you can, _I don’t know_ , ignore each other until tomorrow morning, alright?”

Taka pouted, and was about to say _a big, fat no_ but then Toru-san is already answering for him—

“I’ll just room with Taka,” he said, ignoring the low whistle of amusement from the lead guitarist, “So that we could finally rest, ne?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

In the end, they had their room for themselves. They took turns in showering and changing clothes. After drying his hair, Taka immediately jumped on the bed and snuggled on it. He’s totally exhausted that he failed to notice that Toru-san had sneakily padded towards his bed, and is now kneeling on it, shaking his shoulder in a gentle manner.

“Mfffhf,” Taka looked up from the pillow he brought with him in this tour, he was too sleepy to even act that he’s surprised to see the _creepy_ man hovering above him, “What..?”

Toru-san tilted his head, looking at him with a pout on his lips—making him look younger for once—before he spoke in a hushed tone, “You’re gonna really just gonna sleep?”

…

“What…” he rasped out as he fully turned towards him, “What’s your problem? Can’t you sleep when you’re away from home?”

“No, I just thought that we should take advantage of this situation and _make out_ ,” he deadpanned.

Taka heard his jaws dropped on the soft cushion of the bed _. Holy crap_ , how can Toru-san say those things with a completely serious look on his face?! But then again, it’s _Toru-san_ that we’re talking about here— _you know_ , the creepy, stalking piece of shit who casually throw weird words and statement through the eyars that they’ve been friends?

_Oh, and perverted, I forgot to mention it_ —this is a perverted Toru-san we’re talking about here. Just look at those fucking eyes, gah! What is he even planning to do at this ungodly hour?!

“You. Fucking. _Hentai_ ,” Taka gritted out before rolling way from the guitarist, “Just sleep okay?! I’m not really in the mood—,”

“But I am!” a hand gripped his shoulder— _hard_ —pulling him to face the younger teen again, “I think it’s the adrenaline earlier! It’s not going down!”

“Gaaah!!!” he silentely screamed at the..at the _utter shamelessness_ of their leader, as he pulled his pillow down on his ears, “I don’t wanna hear about your bloody boner!”

Toru-san could’ve just leave him alone to peacefully sleep, but no, the boy is probably too fucking pent up that he just continued on yanking onto his shoulder—

“ _Nee, Taka, nee_ ,” he said in an uncharacteristically childish voice—making Taka bite on his lower lip to prevent himself from just cackling in laugher and _coo_ on that cuteness—, “Come on, just a few minutes then you can finally sleep. _Nee_ , Taka, _Takahiro…_ ”

Taka pulled the pillow closer, trying to drown out the pleading voice of ther usually stoic guitarist.

“Oi, oi, Takahiro…what, do you want me to call you _Mori-chan_ too?”

He didn’t respond, and that probably irked the younger teen ebcaus ehe suddenly tried to pry his pillow away from his head, “Listen to me, dammit!”

“Gaaah!!!” he screeched, attempting to kepe his protection, “Stop!”

“Don’t scream!” Toru-san hissed somewhere above him, “Alex-senpai is just in the next room!”

_Then just leave me the fuck alone!_

But no, the leader proved his unyielding tenacity once more as he ripped the pillow of his face, revealing a very flustered, very angry Takahiro.

“Finally—,”

“What’s _wrong_ with you, you perverted Gachapin?!” he spat, trying to shove the younger away, but Toru-san just easily swatted his weak attempt, “What do you want me to do, huh?!”

Toru-san didn’t bother to answer him, instead, he just swooped down—caging Taka between his arms—and kissed him hungrily. Now he can understand how _desperate_ this boy is, just, _just—_

“ _M-matte,”_ Taka felt like drowning as the younger teen licked across his lips, coaxing it to open—and when he did so—Toru-san didn’t waste any time to made his way into his mouth to plunder it _, as if he fucking owned it_. He was helpless beneath the guitarist— _not that he would fight anyway_ —moaning and whimpering when he bit his lip before proceeding on trailing wet, hot kisses on his jaws.

“D-dumb _damn_ idiot—,” he breathlessly said, as Toru-san licked and sucked and kissed his way down to his throat, leaving marks and bites that would surely bruise against his creamy skin the next day—, “Don’t _ahn,_ leave marks—,”

“Then just wear a collared shirt,” Toru-san panted above him, before he reached foreard until they are eyes to eyes, their noses touching on their tips, the air between them is moist and warm and _deeply intoxicating_ that even Taka’s sleepy mind is slowly coming into consciousness, and, well, getting aroused as seconds painfully ticked by.

_W-why…_

_Why is he looking at me like that..?_

Taka’s brows furrowed in contemplation, his hands—shaking—made their shaky ways on Toru-san’s side, splaying on his back until it reached the nape of the leader. He wanted nothing but to pull down this idiot— _kiss him_ , because that’s what he wants right?! Then why is he just staring at me like…like Taka is a fucking piece of majestic art piece in a museum meant only for viewing, never for touching?!

Ehrm..and what's with that shitty attempt to make an analogy?!

"Hey..." Toru-san said againts his lips, the fluttering of those foreign ones sends tingling sensations to his spine...and straight down to his dick _. Gah._ "Hey...can you...argh, why is this _so hard_?!"

_Hard?_

_Naturally,_ Taka had to look down on thr guitarist's crotch, well, it is _indeed_ hard. Isn't it already obvious?! Why would he even ask him something like that?!

"That's because you're a horny _bastawwwd_ —," he didn't managed to finish that accusation because Toru-san is already pinching his cheeks, the baby fats clinging on his face stretched beyond how it should be, " _Shtaaap you mucking_ —,"

"That's not what I'm talking about, you dipshit!" Toru-san hissed, before finally letting go of his now reddening cheek, "And can you fucking go on a diet! You're eating too much ramen and sushi again!"

"Oh my god, Toru-san!" he gasped in exasperation, his eye stinging with the latest stint this...this _demanding little bastard_ had pulled on him, "If you're just gonna bitch about my weight all night, can I just...go to sleep?! I'm fucking exhausted here you—,"

_Ah..._

Taka would love to slap the hell out of this man, but he finds it impossible when Toru-san is already kissing him again—his blunt nails sratching and dragging onto his scalp as he tilted his head, arching and angling it so they can kiss just _fine_. Loud, wet noises filled the air, with the ocassional moans and grunts as they became too lost into their world.

Toru-san kissed like a _starving man_ in the middle of the desert— _desperate, hungry, always rushing_ —as if he's afraid that Taka would just run away or disappear before him. He finds it weird, the way Toru-san would stare at him, longer, with a _pained_ look on his face before he would proceed on kissing him...it's like he's thinking of something that Taka is not aware of.

And oh, did Toru-san looked desperate right now as he grabbed Taka’s right hand and plunge it between them. Taka’s head was buzzing with pleasure that he couldn’t immediately comprehend what the younger teen is _silently asking him to do_ —well, he’s still moving above him, his body rocking back and forth, surging to kiss him and just leaning away to take a breath and not die of… _suffocation_ or something—not until Taka’s hand made contact to the familiar _bulge_ on the guitarist’s pants.

His eyes went wide, averting his lips away from the greedy ones, “W-what the fuck—,”

Toru-san didn’t chased his lips this time, instead he just rested his head onto Taka’s shoulder—his nose tickling Taka’s neck as he mumbled his words onto the exposed part of his shoulder, “Please…just this once…” he said, and something about the desperation in it, something about how Toru-san uttered them with a low, rough voice right next to his ear, made Taka actually _consider_ on doing it.

“B-but I don’t know _how_?!” he hissed, trying to pull his hand away but Toru-san had a vice-like grip on it—how can he even have this strength after the show earlier?!—but when it didn’t budge, he just stared at the guitarist with a _dead horrified_ look on his eyes. Jesus Christ, maybe he should just be _one_ with the not-so soft mattress than to deal with these shits right now?!

“J-just…Just do it the way you do it when you’re touching yourself, ne?”

“How did you even _concluded_ that I’m touching myself you—,”

“Taka,” Toru-san said with a serious look on his face—if not for their current position, and if his fingers is not just grazing the _very stiff_ member under those pants, Taka would think that they’re having a heart-to-heart conversation about their dreams and future because of that genuine look of pure business on Toru-san’s face—, “We— _all of us_ —knows how _great_ of a hentai you are—,”

He tried kicking him off but it was _futile._

He was so fucked right now.

“—so be a good boy and do it, ne?”

“You perverted, stalking piece of shit!” Taka gritted through clench teeth as he nervously glanced down at the space between their bodies. It was scary as fuck—he knows _shit_ about touching someone else’ dick, heck, he didn’t even think that this day would come! _And touching myself is totally different from this_! But…but amidst that fear, Taka would be a huge _hypocrite_ if he would say that he’s not feeling this…this _odd sense_ of thrill and excitement and curiosity at the prospect of touching…Toru-san’s member for the first time.

_I mean,_ what _reaction_ would their mighty, stoic leader would make?

What _sounds_ would those perfectly sculpted lips would produce?

Would he breathe Taka’s name as he gradually reached his peak?

Would those heavily lidded eyes turn glassy and unfocused?

_Damn,_ Taka licked his lips as the anticipation grew thick in his veins, that would be hot as hell.

“Just…” he lisped out, glancing at the scowling form of their leader, “Just this one time, okay?”

Toru-san looked _taken-aback_ at his response, as if he’s not expecting Taka to actually agreed on doing it. But hey, it’s a free thing so he’d better be grateful that Taka is a good senpai— _holy crap, are you still using that excuse you_ —to be willing to do this…shit. The leader just nodded and Taka didn’t waste any time before he made his hand to work.

_Oh. Okay_. If this would be awful, he would just close his eyes and imagine himself touching a cat and this would be quickly over. Except that he’s allergic to cats. _Gaaaah!!_

He trailed his eyes downwards as his hand tentatively cupped him through the cotton jeans—he almost bounced off the bed at the sound that escaped his leader’s mouth. _Wha—_

Feeling slightly emboldened, he finally undid the top button, his knuckles brushing the top of his own erection. Huuuuh… _who would’ve thought that I’ll get a fucking boner just by looking at Toru-san’s erotic expressions?!_ He continued running his hand on Toru-san’s hard on, earning cute little noises that sounds so foreign form the guitarist’s always frowning lips.

Then Taka’s sadistic side went _fully on._

“Soooo~” he grinned when he slowed down his movement, Toru-san raising his head from his shoulder just to fucking glare at him, “What do you have to do to earn my hand on your dick, Toru-san?” he then pushed his hand back up to the guitarist’s stomach, past beyond the loose shirt and across the flat stomach that trembles beneath his palm.

“Stop making fun of me, you bastard!”

“Well, stop acting so _desperate_ mou! Just—look at you, Toru-san—,”

“You’re such a—,” the guitarist chokes off with a whimper as Taka finally dipped into his sweat pants and underwear, wrapping his hand around Toru-san’s dick. The younger’s breath hitched, and Taka felt his stomach do a flip. He had never seen something like that before—he’s talking about Toru-san’s face, _not his dick_ —well, aside from the obviously staged look on the pornstars face and _damn_ if it wasn’t the hottest thing he’d ever seen—real close.

“I’m such a _what_?” he breathed out, gingers curling around snugly, taking in the weight and feel of a dick that doesn’t belong to him—and when he realized that it’s definitely bigger than his own, his temper instantly— _out of the context, though_ —flared, “What, what’s this?!” he asked in pure annoyance as he squeezed the arm, rigid shaft between his fingers, making Toru-san whimper in pain—

“ _Itetetetete_ —don’t fucking squeeze it like that, you—,”

“Why are you so _big_?!” Taka said in envy, “I fucking hate you, Toru-san!”

“It’s not my fucking fault that _ahh_ —,” Taka was now spurred on that shitty fact that this kid is better off than him in that department. But isn’t it ironic that this younger teen is still coming for him for relief? It is. And it’s fucking arousing too.

More…

He rubbed it up and down, feeling the unevenness of the skin with every glide he makes. He had never done this before, obviously, but he could compensate. Especially if he could see Tor-san threw his head back in bliss when he rests his thumb on the underside, just below the crown. He couldn’t see it—well, he would probably scream if he would see it right now, because that’s a different matter—but he can feel it and his mind is functioning _enough_ to build a mental image of it.

Of Toru-san’s _dick._

_Oh my god._

He can feel his heart jackhammering through his chest as he continued his ministrations—Toru-san is _full and swollen_ in his hand, the tip slick with precome as Taka idly ribs in a circle.

“Taka, _Taka_ …” Toru-san huffed above him, his elbows were the only one supporting him and keeping him from crashing onto the vocalist’s smaller frame, “Taka…”

“Shut up,” Taka harshly muttered— _he just wanted to focus, dammit_ —and even if Toru-san moaning his name was getting him off a little more than he wanted it to, he still wanted to properly give him a hand job, “Quit talking, I’m trying to concentrate here!”

“Fuck, _fuck_ —,”

“I said _mphhh—_ ,”

Taka was rendered speechless when Toru-san surged forward, connecting their lips in a searing kiss. He can feel his hand getting roughly pried of the pants— _hey, I’m not done yet!—_ before Toru-san brought his hips down, rocking forward and back, grinding against him with purpose as he bites down on his lower lip to stifle a groan.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck indeed!_

Taka can feel electric shocks shooting through his body at the feeling of something—something warm and hot and hard yet soft and pliant and so _fucking alive_ —rubbing against his own clothed erection. Gone were the thoughts of doing Toru-san a favor, of teasing him, because the only thing he can think of the moment is the strange pleasure _coursing and burning_ its damn way into his entire system.

“M-more—,” he whispered helplessly, rutting back against Toru-san in a frantic manner—why didn’t they do this before?!

Toru-san leaned away, his hair tousled to no ends, as he gazed at him with those heavily-lidded eyes, “I _love_ the way your voice sounds right now,” he said, before he thrusts again—the soft, cotton material of their sweat pants was not enough to ease the _mind-numbing_ friction between them. It actually hurts, because it feels like his dick is rubbing onto some _sandpaper_ but he couldn’t care less because he can still feel the pleasure of it all the way down to his toes, the sheets crumpling beneath him and sticking onto his ruined sleeping clothes.

“It sounds so low and rough and…” Taka shook his head—his hands gripping Toru-san’s still thin biceps for anchor, for strength, for _anything, really_ —not wanting to hear more of his nonsense babblings _. I mean, can we not talk while we’re doing these stuffs?!_ There is this thing called _“proper place and time for everything”, mou!_

“…scratchy like you used to sound every after lives…Like you did earlier…” he said, delving down to capture his mouth in a soft kiss, licking and sucking and biting before letting go, “Damn, Taka, what the fuck did you do to me, huh?!”

_Well, I don’t fucking know either!_

Is what he wanted to said but then Toru-san is pushing into him _more roughly,_ with more enthusiasm, making Taka helplessly grind back, his body weakly dragging back and forth over the sheets. What had happened to them?

_This wasn’t in the list of the things I’ve wanted to do when Toru-san asked me to join the band, mou!_

Though he’s not complaining—especially when Toru-san rested his forehead against Taka’s, making his thoughts exploded into bits as he forces his eyes not to flutter close as he takes in the guitarist’s face this close—sweat curling in his hair, his whole face red with exertion, his lashes fluttering with every rock of their hips into each other. The leader’s breath comes into pants between obscene compliments about Taka’s voice— _good fucking god, you we’re so good, earlier, so fucking damn good_ —that Taka can’t believe that it’s really Toru-san hovering above him.

He looks _so different_ from the composed leader they have—stoic and scowling and always serious about the band. He’s like the epitome of coolness which Taka can only gawked at before but…

But it is really Toru-san.

Taka’s eyes threatened to close on their own as his thoughts went over the places they’re touching, on the drop of sweat rolling down the back of his neck— _gah, I just showered_!—towards the sheets, on Toru-san’s quickening pace, on the pleasure building and _building_ in his groin like a fucking tsunami about to crash, “T-Toru-san, I’m— _I’m—_ ,”

“Yeah,” Toru-san said above him, his lips finding Taka’s nose, burning cheeks, then finally his lips—making his toes curl, cock so full it borders on pain as they grinded and grinded together, “Same, you fucking—,”

Taka doesn’t have any idea on why the guitarist is still _cussing_ him in the midst of this heated moment but the sloppy kisses from Toru-san and the relentless friction between them is enough to make him speechless and willing to just accept it all.

Toru-san moans into him, loud and guttural, and Taka grabbed his arms, fingers digging at the pale flesh as he surrenders to the friction and heat. Toru-san’s arms on either side of his head are trembling, making Taka slightly feared for the safety of his face because the guitarist would definitely be heavy if he crash completely on him. But then, Toru-san hides his face, mouthing his name right into the hollow of his throat.

Taka jerked at the sound of it and tumbled into orgasm, his muscles seizing all at once as a high, _almost keening_ whine tears itself from his throat. He claws at Toru-san’s skin as the leader sank his teeth into the curve where his neck meets his shoulder, and his breath escapes him in a sob as Taka ruts up against him faster, low moans erupting from his puffy lips, as he finally went _undone._

The room then fell into silence, their heavy breathings breaking it. Taka’s mind is all over the place, even after Toru-san planted a kiss on his swollen lips before moving up to go _god-knows where._

What…

_What the fuck happened…_

He was so lost in post-coital bliss that his mind could find the right answer to that question. Who would’ve thought that doing it with the same sex would be this exhilarating?

_But…_ his brows furrowed at that thought, _but this isn’t just…like that right? This feels good because it’s Toru-san right? This is special because it involves him and Toru-san, right?_

His vision clouded at that— _maybe_ it was exhaustion finally catching up, or _maybe_ it’s the thought that there’s really nothing sensible about their current relationship anymore, or _maybe_ it’s the tears for _confusion and fear and uncertainty_ to what would come in the future—and when Toru-san finally went back with a cloth on his hand and a spare pants and underwear, he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

 “Come on,” Toru-san was saying, “Change your pants.”

He weakly glared at him and if he just had enough strength, he would probably just tell him to fuck off because, “I’m not gonna change in front of you, bastard!”

“Whaaaat?” Toru-san’s eyes comically widened at that—damn, he looks so composed and back to normal right now as if they didn’t just _dry-humped_ against each other a few minutes ago, “We’re both men anyways! And you’ve already touched my—,”

“Gah, fucking shut up already mou!”

“Don’t shout! Alex-senpai might hear us!”

_Don’t you think that he already had heard us with all the noises we did earlier!?_

Taka huffed and asked the guitarist to look away before he changed his garments. He cringed at the sticky mess he made into his pants, and if only not for the pleasure he felt earlier, he would swear that he won’t do this shit anymore with their leader.

_As if there would be second chance, mou._

Anyways, now that he’s changed and all ready to sleep, he just threw a nasty glare at the guitarist, and was about to finally lie down when Toru-san grabbed him and forced him to look at his eyes.

“What..?”

“Thank you for earlier,” he said, scratching the back of his neck, his eyes landing on Taka’s shoulder, “And sorry for biting you?”

Biting..?

_Holy fuck_ —now that he’s thinking of it, he can feel a stinging on his shoulder. Toru-san had bitten him! And judging from the wince and look of pure guilt on the guitarist’s face, Taka already knows that it would fucking bruise the next day.

“Fucking—,”

“ _Ma_ a,” Toru-san instantly went off his bed, like it’s some lava or someshit—but he’s just probably scared of Taka beating _his pathetic ass_ for daring to leave a mark—, “You could just really wear collared shirts—,”

“Don’t fucking come near me, you gachapin _gaaah!_!!” Taka screeched at the top of his lungs before flinging the hotel pillow onto the guitarist’s panicking form, “I’ll kick your _balls_ if you do, so don’t fucking test me, _mou!_ ” he threatened before hiding under his blankets.

Seriously, that night could’ve been better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall…

Alex rubbed the bridged of his nose when he heard Mori-chan screaming bloody murder in the next room. He was up all this time, reading manga and articles about alien conspiracy— _which should’ve been easier_ if not for the two idiots _going at it_ like bunnies in heat just a wall away from him.

_Jesus Christ_ , he groaned feeling tired and fucked, _I hope they fucking used protections. Seriously, I should really give Toru the talk once we had the chance…_

He felt that his ears were now _bleeding_ for all the sounds he heard earlier. If the two would continue doing this every tour, he might as well invest on some noise-cancelling ear pods.

_Better be safe than sorry…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this, I will now officially raise the ratings from "Mature" to "Explicit"
> 
> -The DVD Documentary mentioned will be the Yononaka Shredder.  
> -The MC included here was mostly legit, including Tomoya's mic, and Taka's gift to Toru-san. You can find it here: http://egasani.tumblr.com/post/57049346591/generous-yet-sadistic-taka-demanding-leader-and. Translations are not mine.  
> -Taka being allergic to cats is legit (?), well, according to this site: https://janishowa.wordpress.com/tag/former-member/. I don't know how much of the info there were legit.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, Toru-san's 19th Birthday will be included as an EXTRA chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> Any kind of feedback would be very much appreciated. Thanks for reading~!


	33. 20 Years Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toru-san's 19th Birthday Special~
> 
>  
> 
> "If I go on moving forward without paying attention, how will I be 10 years later?  
> Somebody I would never want to be  
> I don't know why at all…
> 
> If such a thing's possible, for me in my heart I want to be near you for sure…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so lame I can't even.
> 
> Anyway, this is more like an extra chapter like the two chapters in Reason describing how Toru-san formed the band. This is set before the Nagoya leg of their tour, which happened in December 10, 2007.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Toru’s 19th birthday passed in a blur.

  
He would _love_ to make a long description out of it but he can’t because it really happened so fast—like he was sleeping until the afternoon after having a pre-birthday party last night—then his band mates woke him out, spilling party poppers and confetti’s and _every stuff of papers_ into his apartment unit. It’s a mystery how did they even get into his unit, well—Taka looked away, pocketing a gleaming key that looks awfully familiar like his own—he…he already have some _idea_ on who started the trespassing shit.

  
_I know what you did there, midget._

  
The three members _attempted_ to sing him the happy birthday song but they’re probably… _drunk or high_ because they just keep on giggling like fucking lunatics, making Taka snapped and do the singing once again, like what he did last year.

  
That made Toru paused on his bed… _yes_ , he’s still in his bed and this four are crowding and bouncing on it like _hyperactive_ kids. He wonders how his bed manages to carry all of their weights like that. Well, it did managed to survive even after Toru had trashed over it when Taka tied him up— _fuck, why does it sounds so wrong and…erotic_ —and decided to give him the tickling of his life a few days ago. Hmmm, this _sure_ is one hell of a bed, huh?

  
Anyways, it’s already a year since then?

  
A lot of things happened since then—they’ve found Tomoya, had their first one-man live in Shinjuku Loft, released their debut single, followed by another two and just a few weeks ago—their very _first_ , very _own_ album.

  
The band he had started on a fucking _whim_ , while he’s on the verge of losing his mind due to boredom, is now slowly taking its _baby_ _steps_ towards their dreams—and while going and performing in America is _still_ unreachable, Toru can feel that they’re still doing a decent job on moving forward.

  
His band mates are the best—no, he’s _not_ talking about their skills in performing, we’re _average_ at most, but all the times they’ve spent together, _whenever_ Toru hear Alex-senpai as the older makes his guitar _weep_ like a banshee, the sounds reverberating through his ears and awakening something within him; _whenever_ Ryota would excuse himself to go to a friend’s house—another senior bassist—to learn more chords and how to play properly; _whenever_ he saw Tomoya drumming on his thighs, sitting on the steps of the stairs at the back of the live houses, a look of pure _concentration_ on his face; _whenever_ the four of them resonates, their instruments melding together to make the perfect sound for their songs—Toru can feel his heart expanding in an alarming rate because this is…

  
This is the idea of a _perfect_ band he had dreamed of.

  
And when Taka starts to sing— _god_ , silly attraction aside—Toru can feel all of his hair stand on their tips, as he take in that rich, raspy voice. His eyes would squeeze in joy, a triumphant grin would break on his lips and he couldn’t help but to soundlessly shout in pride because _damn, this is our vocalist! This is TAKA of ONE OK ROCK!_

  
Maybe he’s sounding like a proud _uncle_ or father but what can he do?! It’s just…he’s so fucking lucky to have these people in this band for two years now and the only thing he could wish for is their success in their next steps in the music industry. He wants this band to be better in his next better, that they’re still all together in his 20th one.

  
Oh, and that Taka is still with him next year, because at this _rate_ —with them bickering and fighting and _kissing_ randomly—Toru is not so sure on _how long_ can he endure the vocalist’s presence off the stage.

Sometimes, he wants to press Taka on the wall and just kiss him, you know? That’s probably normal for a hormonal teenager like him, but most of the times, he wants to _chuck_ the older teen from his window for being a teasing, stupid piece of shit.

  
_Ah, this love-hate relationship would be the end of me…and I’m just 19!_

  
Anyways, they ended up sharing pizza and tea—not the best combination but Taka don’t want to see everybody else drinking cold beverages while he’s _stuck_ on water and tea to maintain the good condition of his voice for the upcoming tour. He’s just that _selfish_ and tyrant-like you know?

  
After eating and messing up his unit even more, Taka suddenly screamed after looking down on his phone, “Ah!!! It’s here!!!” he yelled, making Tomoya choke on his green tea, before dashing towards the door. Toru narrowed his eyes at the back— _no, he’s not looking at his ass_ —wondering on what he’s planning to do this time.

  
_I hope it’s not fucking handcuffs again…_

  
He let his eyes roamed at the faces of the other members. Ryota immediately shook his head and waved his hands in denial, “I don’t know about this, Toru-nii!” he said, guilt evident in his voice.

  
Even Alex-senpai shook his head—albeit _forlornly_ , like he’s disappointed that he couldn’t partake on yet another prank for his birthday. Tomoya looked between the three of them in pure confusion.

  
“What’s wrong? What happened?”

  
“ _Maa_ ,” Ryota fidgeted on his spot on the floor—because Toru doesn’t have a couch remember—, “We pulled a small prank—,”

  
“Small?!” Toru gritted out, “You _stole_ my things!”

  
“—for Toru-nii’s birthday last year…It was Mori-chan’s idea, tho!”

  
“At least we give it back to you!” Alex-senpai smugly said as he leaned back on his arms, “Besides, we even give you proper gifts after that, you _ungrateful_ boy. Taka even gave you a pair of _hand_ —,”

  
“Gaaaaah!!!” Toru chucked the box of empty of pizza on the lead guitarist’s annoying face, “I said, don’t ever mentioned that again, gaaah!!!”

  
“Hand..” Tomoya’s brows furrowed in confusion, “What..?” the drummer then turned to Ryota for some, you know, clarifications but the bassist just shrugged his shoulders, before pulling the mess from the floor. He probably knows that Taka would throw another hissy fit for making a mess—in Toru’s unit—again.

  
“Don’t mind it, Tomo-kun,” he said, “It’s just Mori-chan being _Mori-chan_.”

  
And by that, Toru hoped, he means that Mori-chan is being his usual, _pervert_ self for giving Toru a pair of fucking handcuffs when he became 18 years old last time.

  
“My gift’s finally here!” Taka said as he suddenly appeared from the doorway again, smiling and looking a bit too _hyperactive_ than usual. Toru blankly stared at him, then at the open door and for a moment, he even thought of just _jumping_ into his window to escape whatever the vocalist is planning for him. He swallowed, _hard_ , especially when a uniformed man followed Taka into the unit.  
What.

  
“Is this the place?” he asked and disappeared beyond the doorway again when Taka nodded. Everyone of them stared at the door for seconds, before Alex-senpai suddenly howled in laughter—

  
“Oh, oh, _fuck_! Did you hire some strippers, Mori-chan!?” he asked, earning surprised looks from everyone. What. What the _hell_.

  
“Wha—no _!_ ” Taka shook his head and huffed in what is seems like indignation, “Are you fucking nuts? Why would I even hire strippers?!”

  
“For Toru’s birthday, duh!”

  
Toru watched in pure horror when Taka rubbed his chin, tilting his head as he processed what the lead guitarist had just dumbly suggested. _Oh no, please don’t tell me that you’re actually considering it—_

  
“Nah,” he finally said, “But maybe in the _future_ tho? Besides, the stripper won’t even probably come into this _shabby_ unit, ne?”

  
…

  
Toru don’t know if he should be relieved or _insulted_ at that statement. _Shabby_?!

  
“Well, sorry for not having an expensive unit like you, mou!” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

  
_“A-no,_ did the man get lost or what…” Ryota softly asked in the background when everyone seems to have forgotten about the uniformed guy everywhere.

  
“That’s right!” Taka arrogantly huffed, conveniently ignoring the now whimpering bassist, “You’d better save a shit ton of money so we could hire a stripper next year!”

  
“Why would I even hire one?!”

  
“Yeah,” Alex-senpai nodded in agreement, and for a _moment_ , Toru thought that he’s actually on his side at the moment—but no, Alex-senpai is probably born just to annoy the ever-living daylights out of him—, “Why hire one when Taka can give you a private session any damn time?”

  
All the green tea inside Tomoya’s mouth flew out and splattered on the remaining pizza across him at that, “Gaaah!!!”

  
“Wha—what’s wrong, Tomo-kun?!” Ryota was instantly on his side, shoving greasy tissues on his face and mouth to prevent more matcha staining the floor and ruining their food, “Get a grip, _mou_! We still haven’t seen Mori-chan’s gift!”

  
“Fuck you, Alex—,” Taka started saying, and Toru is just a second from leaping on his feet to strangle the half-American when the guy earlier suddenly popped into the doorway, carrying a—

  
_“A-no, sumimasen_ …?” The man said, his eyes taking in the scene of pure chaos—and obviously _judging_ them—inside the unit. He was carrying a couch on one end, someone is also probably lifting the other side, “Can we put it in?”

  
Taka beamed at them as he made way for the movers, “Please do—,” which was cut off when Alex-senpai burst into another massive giggling fit—“ _Put it in?! Put it in?!”_ —making everyone stare at him again. Toru can feel his eye twitch in pure annoyance at that innuendo, damn perverted senpai!

  
“Please put it over him,” he blandly said as he cleared the space on the floor, “Please crush him with that fucking couch!” he angrily ordered at the movers who just raised an inquisitive brow at them.

  
“Toru-san!” Taka gasped somewhere on the wall. He glared at him, “Don’t do that!”

  
“What?” he spat, “Crush Alex-senpai under the couch?!”

  
“No, don’t curse!” Ryota and Tomoya rolled on the floor in laughter, while the movers kept their blank face. Toru must say that he’s…getting this _respect_ for the men, _I mean, we’re having a meaningless, dumb conversation here and yet they managed to keep a poker face along with it. I wonder if they had special training for that?_ “There are other people here, mou!”

  
“Oh, oh fuck!” Alex-senpai is jumping away when Toru glared at him. The half-American’s face is so fucking red because of laughing so hard and Toru wouldn’t mind to make it redder by punching him— _hard_ —on his face.

  
“ _Matte, matte_!” Tomoya said, raising his arm, “Nani kore?! Why is Takahiro giving Toruge a couch?!”

  
Ah, right. Toru had totally forgotten about that fact.

  
“Yeah,” he spat, watching as the movers silently put the couch on the empty spot of his unit. Taka thanked them before they hurried out, “Why are you giving me a couch?”

  
Taka smiled—sneakily, like a cat—before he walked towards the end of the elegantly black, three-seater couch—and leaned on it, like a fucking poster boy. He propped an elbow over the backrest and grinned at him, “Wow, you sure are forgetting a lot of things, huh, Toru-san? What are you, 85?”

  
Ryota nervously laughed beside him when his eyes glinted at the vocalist, “Uhm _ahahahaha_..?”

  
“I mean, I told you that I would buy you a couch coz my _ass always hurts_ —,”

  
They can hear Alex-senpai wheezing in the background.

  
“—on always sitting on your goddamned floor so tadah!” he held his arms wide open, “Happy 19th Birthday, Toru-san!”

  
Tomoya and Ryota automatically clapped beside him before rushing towards the couch and bounced on it like hyperactive kids. Toru blandly smiled, glancing at the posh black piece of furniture. It looks so unnatural inside his barren unit, heck, it looks so fucking expensive that if robbers would break into his house, it’s probably the _first thing_ that they would take.

  
“Aren’t you gonna thank me?” Taka cocked his head at him, “Come on, thank your great senpai, unlike the other one there!” he jerked a thumb towards the direction of the half-American, “ _Mou_ , aren’t you done laughing your lungs out?!”

  
“I’m done,” Alex-senpai grinned before he stalked towards the direction of the couch, his long fingers touching the sleek leather-like covering, “But are you sure that you prefer this black?” he asked, earning a confused look from the vocalist, “I mean, you definitely would stain this with your _cu—_ ,”

  
That statement has never been finished because Toru chucked another pizza box towards the half-American. Then he pushed everyone out of his unit because that’s when you do when you’re getting a massive headache just by dealing with those idiots—those _thoughtful_ little idiots—even if they came here to celebrate his birthday.

 

Taka called him later that night, singing a slow version of happy birthday, telling him how _grateful_ he is to him—thanking him for yet another year spent together. Toru was touched, of course, wondering if Taka is drunk or what for suddenly calling him just to say those things. The vocalist then rambled on their upcoming tour, that they should make it memorable, so that they can look back at this year with big smiles and no feeling of regrets in the next one.

  
Toru nodded, his chest feels like really exploding now because he want do it--wants to _explore_ the world and test their imits in the year to come—one small step at a time—do it all with the _band_ , do it all with _Takahiro_.

  
_I hope the next years would be fun, too…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaah so effin laaaame gaah. I went home so fucking late last night (early this morning, like 4 or something) and I want to add more shits but I'm so sleepy and unmotivated and I'm getying worried for a certain friend who seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth gaaaah
> 
>  
> 
> -Anyways, the couch gift is legit, as mentioned in the article in the previous chapter.   
> -The dates of the tour were real, meaning that there's only a couple of chapters for the year 2007 (thank god)  
> -The next one will be the Osaka leg of their Quattro Tour.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I've been sharing some of the stuffs I've found on my treasury of oor shits in facebook. I'll try uploading more, or sharing the links related to the story ne?
> 
>  
> 
> Please do tell me how this chapter fares~
> 
> Thank you for reading~!


	34. CONVINCING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex-concussion.
> 
> "I know I was not a dreamer  
> but I lost something somehow anyway!  
> I don't care 'bout what they say  
> whatever whoever tells me something  
> never stop! until the end  
> here as much as I'm broken, I'm not weak"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first part of the Osaka leg of their Tour. I'm hoping that the entire 2007 timeline would be wrapped up at the end of next week so we could finally focus on some...heavy stuffs or something. Especially the Beam of Light era. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Taka stared at the tall buildings and shops they were passing by, behind the window glass of the taxi they're riding. Osaka is so alive at night, and he knew that it will be much livelier behind those posh shops, through alleys that would lead you to a street filled with food stalls and ramen houses, the narrow place brimming with tourists and people and the scent of seafood wafting all over the air...

_I should've been there_ , he remorsefully thought as he sank back on the seat, _weaving through the crowd and eating authentic takoyaki and okonomiyaki and other stuffs you can only find in Osaka_ , but no.

"Toru-san, _nee_ , Toru-san..." he began, desperately trying to reign in the anger bubbling from within his chest, "Can you tell me _what the fuck_ am I doing here again?!"

Said Toru-san, who was seating beside him, calmly looked up from his flip-phone, the harsh light illuminating his youthful features.

"What? Didn't I tell you _five times_ already? Even _driver-san_ here's already tired of hearing it!" he said, gesturing for the taxi driver in front. Taka saw the man flinched at the mention of him.

"Well, _sorry_ for not being able to believe that I won't be having fucking takoyaki tonight just because what?! You promised your Mom that we'll be having a late dinner in your house?!"

_Yes, yes, it was true._

The Osaka leg of their tour has just finished a few minutes ago, and just when Taka is about to follow the trio on their merry way to the downtown, the leader suddenly grabbed the collar of his shirt—yes, he's wearing a collared polo shirt because the _perverted gachapin_ made it sure to _bite_ and shits whenever they're making out since Nagoya—and promptly told him that they were having a dinner in his house tonight

Toru-san looks so _calm and serious_ that Taka had just obeyed, said goodbye to Gocchan and the others—and to a night filled with seafood and Takoyaki—and silently went into a taxi with a smug Toru-san.

"I didn't promised her," the younger teen said, "It's just that they weren't able to make it in the concert last night so she just prepared dinner for us. What, you want me to call to say we're not going?" Toru-san asked, raising a teasing brow at him, his accent suddenly grew thicker at that last statement.

" _Mou!_ " Taka huffed, crossing his arms over his chest, "As if I can say no to your Mom!"

"That's what I thought."

Here's Toru-san deciding things on his own again. _And everybody says that I'm the tyrant one here, mou!_

"But we're gonna go around the city tomorrow right?!" he asked, eyes glinting in hope and slightly threatening the guitarist  because he would surely throw a hissy fit if the next day would end without him having experienced Osaka first-hand, "Right??"

"Stop pulling at my shirt!" the younger hissed, "You'll gonna get me _naked_ here!"

_Well, isn't that wonderful?!_ Is what Taka would sardonically say but he don't want to receive nasty gazes from the driver again— _like they had on Toru-san's 18th birthday celebration last year_ —so he just let go of the now crumpled shirt.

"We're gonna go, right??" he repeated, albeit more _hopefully_ , more _forcefully_ , more _threatening_ this time.

" _Mou_ , stop glaring at me— _hai, hai_ , okay," he raised his open palms in defeat, "we'll go tomorrow, okay? I'll take you around—,"

"And treat me with food?"

"Why?! You have your own money right?!"

Taka gasped at that, "Why are you so damn _frugal_?! You're not even paying that much for your unit! You should have earned more money than me!"

"Eh, why are you so damn _frivolous_ , huh?" he asked back, making Taka's mouth went wide open, "You're always spending a lot for unnecessary things and now you're asking me to buy you food?"

"Aren't you the one who's all _high and happy_ when I forgot my wallet months ago?!"

"That's different!" Toru-san argued, and if it's not just illegal, Taka would kick him out of this car—like literally—because of his shitty reluctance to buy him some food tomorrow, "You don't have money back then, plus you're face full of dread and humiliation looks so fucking _fantastic_ —,"

Taka cringed when the driver suddenly started _coughing_ on his seat. The urge to kick Toru-san is now getting stronger and _stronger_ as words recklessly flew out of his goddamned mouth.

"—but now you're just trying to _extort_ from me!"

Taka felt quite offended at that. Even after all the shits he gave Toru-san? He even brought a couch for him last time! And that's not something you _casually_ give to your _friend_ as a birthday gift! It costed him a lot! But did he throw a fuss over some 400-dollar worth couch?! No! While this gachapin...is losing his mind over _some pieces of takoyaki?!_

_Holy hell, wait, let me really kick him out of this fucking car._

"Really, Toru-san?" he asked in a dangerously low voice that even the driver _worriedly_ glanced at them through the rear-view mirror, "Extort? Do you even _know_ what that means?"

Toru-san visibly flinched when Taka grabbed ahold of his arm, his nails digging onto the white, pale flesh while his eyes went on glaring fucking holes on the guitarist's nervous face. _Go, Toru-san, tell me you're not gonna spend a few yen for me tomorrow and you'll spend the next few horny nights with your hand alone, tell me. Go on._

He doesn't have to say those things aloud—coz, _again_ , he does not want to bear with homophobic stares and words from a stranger—but his glinting eyes and the huge scowl on his face had probably conveyed his thoughts that all Toru-san can do is to wordlessly nod at him in defeat.

"Good," Taka let out a sigh of relief as he let go of the poor arm, ignoring how the guitarist is muttering something that awfully sounds like _"why am I even dealing with a tyrant-asshole like you"_

He ignored it as a feeling of satisfaction coursed through his system. Toru-san is really that of a pervert huh? He would rather yield to him than spend his nights alone huh? Heeeeh...

"Anyways," he said, "Will there be a lot of people in your house? Or just your parents?"

Toru-san coughed against his fist, making Taka furrowed his brow in concern— _mou_ he really should stop smoking. Does his parents even know that he's inhaling tobacco ever fucking day?!

" _Maa._.." Toru-san said in a nervous manner, "It's just my family and probably _some_ close friends..?"

Taka raised an inquisitive brow at that, but made no further arguments. Thinking that it's just Toru-san being his weird self again.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Taka stared at the typical house in front of him after they leaped off the taxi. Toru-san's house is in the...still rural part of Osaka with a lot of greens here and there. The gate was open and to say that there's a lot of people roaming inside the yard is a... _huge motherfucking statement._

"When..." Taka licked his lips as they stood there like idiots on the side of the road, "When you told me that there would be some close friends tonight, I expected like... _three or four."_

"Hnnn..." Toru-san made a disgruntled sound at the back of his clothes as he straightened the straps of his back pack.

"...but you didn’t tell me that you invited the entire _solar system_ over!"

"I didn't do it!" Toru-san looked apologetic and embarrassed all at the same time, "My mom probably did!"

Taka ignored the explanation, as he almost jumped on his feet when somebody finally noticed them—

"Maybe we should go back to the hotel—,"

Toru-san grabbed his forearm even before he can turn around and dash the fuck away from a horde of Osaka people coming towards them, "Man up, Takahiro,"

Man up?! _Man up?!_

Taka panicked even more at that, especially when everyone started throwing smiles and pats at them. There's so many people talking all at the same time with their thick Kansai accent, patting and greeting them as if he was their _long lost_ son or something.

"This will just take a few minutes, ne?"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Lies. It took almost an hour before the gazillion of people— _okay, that's definitely me over exaggerating but I'm tired and dealing with a lot of people tonight is not really on my bucket list so_ —finally subsides. And if not for the gentle and welcoming faces of Toru-san's parents, then Taka would probably just dashed off into the street the moment everyone stopped touching him earlier.

"I'm so sorry for that," Toru-san's mom apologized as she put on several plates filled with steaming food on the table where they all— _finally_ —sat, "The neighbors and friends are always excited when our Toru would come home."

Taka almost gagged at the _"our Toru"_ phrase but he kept a straight, smiling face as he nodded in understanding.

"I was here just a few months ago, Okaa," Toru-san reasoned out making Taka inwardly flinched at the memories of that night when he was so sick, when he had a feverish breakdown when Toru-san went home instead of taking care of him.

"Ah, that's right," he said, slightly bowing at the woman, "I apologize that Toru-san had to abruptly leave that day. It was my fault that..."

"Haaa," the father grinned, leaning forward to pat him on his shoulder, "It's alright, you were also sick that time, right? Actually, we were more shocked to see Toru rushing in the hospital back then. You have a gig that night and yet he go all the way to Osaka, even leaving you alone while you're not feeling well..."

Taka wanted to say that it's alright, he's just a _band mate_ —just a _friend_ —and that it's only natural to prioritize your family after all. But Toru-san's mother had already finished laying all the foods that make Taka's mouth water like hell. He put a hand on his mouth to prevent himself drooling all over the floor at the sight of freshly made food.

"Let's not dwell on that anymore, na?" the mother said, smiling graciously at him, "Let's dig in so you two could finally rest for the night, ne?"

Taka nodded, muttering a soft _itadakimasu_ before digging in.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The dinner went relatively silent, with a few short conversations here and there. Taka found out that it's a normal situation to have many people whenever Toru-san comes home, even when he was still in his old dance group a few years ago.

"Our Toru here—," the mom started saying, making the said guitarist to groan out loud again.

"Okaa..." he said in exasperation because his mom would definitely say something about his younger years again.

"—would always arrive from Tokyo and he would just politely smile at everyone before he goes into his room and lock himself until the crowd goes away. He had always sported this...mysterious cool aura around him since he was younger, na?"

Taka looked over the rim of his rice bowl, glancing at the distraught guitarist beside him.

"Ah, so he was _cool_ since he was born, yeah?"

"Absolutely," his father nodded, "But he's also an adorable runt ya know?"

"Arghhh..."

Everyone ignored the helpless grunt and other incomprehensible sounds coming from the leader's throat.

"He's always following his older brother around," the older Yamashita laughed as his wife cooed at the "cuteness" of their youngest back then, "he even tried using his shoes! Imagine a five year old wearing a pre-teen's shoes!"

"Gaaaah!!!"

"Then he would always come running towards his brother whenever he's bullied in school..." his mother sighed at that memory.

"Bullied?" the chopsticks stopped midair into his mouth at that sudden revelation,"Toru-san had been _bullied_ before?!"

"No—," Toru-san answered the same time his father nodded—

"Oh yes, he _definitely_ has been."

...

Taka looked between the father and son with a confused look on his face, "Uhm..?"

" _Maa_ , it's because he's so tiny back then," his mom said, making Toru-san almost bounce on his seat in embarrassment or what—he looks so ready to just rocket off the chair to plant his head on the ceiling or something, "and the girls like him so much that boys went on bullying him instead. He would always come home drenched all over ne? Ryo-kun—,"

Taka hoped that by "Ryo-kun", she’s referring to Ryota.

"—said that his classmates poured water on him after class. He was really sobbing back then, right, dear?"

His father nodded, while Toru-san looks so ready to repeatedly bang his head over the dining table at the topic of his childhood.

"Hai, and there was this time that he went home with drawings all over his face—,"

"Oh my god—,"

"—he even went a fight for that right?"

"Maa, that's because I've had enough!" Toru-san loudly declared—getting into the conversation too much—, "I had the feeling that I don't wanna get beaten so I fight them off—,"

"—and _totally got defeated,_ " his father nodded.

"—yes, _but_ —,"

"—and you ran towards your nii-chan, crying until he brings you to the river for a walk and treat you some milky popsicle, remember?"

"Oh god, why are you embarrassing me this much?!" Toru-san dramatically complained as he dumped his burning face onto his open palms as both of his parents softly laughed at his obvious demise.

Taka just watched it all, one because he felt too out of place in this small family reunion, making him think of his own family back in Tokyo— _I wonder how Mom is doing these days? Maybe I should also visit him...and grandma too..._

Second is because he could not believe the fact that Toru-san—the _tall, menacing, yankee-kun_ Toru-san who could glare at you to death—has been the end of a bullying back then?!

"That's unbelievable!" he muttered out loud, earning the attention of the entire Yamashita household, "I mean, Toru-san looks like he's the one who bully others—,"

"Oh, now, you—,"

"So, I can't imagine him getting bullied..?"

The mom nodded in agreement, "Well, that's probably because he's so small and frail back then? He's also trying to act cool and matured that it probably pissed off his classmates—,"

"I'm not acting, Okaa!"

"He was so adorable back then," she dreamily sighed as he looked over the rigid form of her son, "I wonder how you grew up to be a..." she trailed off and Taka felt the urge to complete that statement.

"An _emotionless_ prick" he offered at the same time the older Yamashita said, "An _all-glaring_ bastard."

They exchanged meaningful and understanding gazes before guffawing in laughter. Even Toru-san's mom is smiling and shaking her head at their antics while the guitarist is indeed glaring at him in full force.

"What?!" he asked in his defense, "I'm just telling the truth, Toru-san!"

"I like your vocalist, Toru," the older said making Taka smiled even wider—because that's what you do when the parents of one of the most important person in your life _approves_ your shits or something—ignoring how the father referred to him as _"Toru-san's vocalist"_ rather than the _"band's vocalist."_

"You would need him to lighten up!"

"Pfffft," the guitarist snorted, making Taka want to kick him under the table. But he might kick the parents' shins instead and he certainly don't want that to happen so he digressed and smiled creepily at their leader instead.

"Oh you _need_ me alright, Toru-san," he nodded—low-key pertaining to the nights that Toru-san literally needed a _hand_ on his dick—, "Or else you're gonna swallowed up by darkness or something. Just look at you, you dressed like an _emo_ kid!"

"Well, aren't we a _Japanese Emo_ band?!"

Ack. _He got a point in there._

"Maybe he just want to attract more girls?" the father said, making Taka hope that Toru-san better not to, "I can remember one time in his kindergarten when he cried so much because the Kohama-kid—,"

Now, Taka is sure that they're talking about Ryota this time, damn, they sure were together since the beginning of time, huh?

"—ate all the chocolates he received from his girl classmates back then. His face was so hilarious when he saw all the chocolates on the kid's face!"

"Oh god, I can totally imagine Ryota doing that!" Taka laughed out loud at the image of a furious Toru-san and a clueless, chocolate-covered Ryota standing across each other, " So, Toru-san loves receiving chocolates during Valentine's day, huh?"

_Weeeeeell,_ Taka inwardly nodded with determination, _I'd better start learning how to do those shits in preparation for next year!_

"He totally does," the father nodded making his son helplessly glared at the food on the table.

"What," he spat, "are we done reminiscing my embarrassing days?!"

The room plunge into an uncomfortable silence. Taka really _really_ wanted to laugh at the look of pure annoyance on the guitarist's face, which is probably the normal look when your parents are _talking shit_ about you in front of your parents. Something that Taka had never experienced—and _will never have_ , not that he wants it, really, he's almost a full-grown man now—since he was young.

...

...

...

Taka swears that they would sound the entire night like that, awkwardly sitting across each other's in a dead silent dining room, well, until Toru-san's mom clapped her hands and smiled like there's _nothing wrong._

" _Maa_ , Taka-kun," she said, "Do you want some dessert? We can have them while looking at Toru's childhood pics, ya know?"

 

 

* * *

 

The night passed by faster than Taka had expected. It was almost three in the morning when they bade goodbye to the couple. The father had asked to have a drinking session with him, and Taka, being the polite idiot he was, agreed even when Toru-san vehemently said his disagreement over it. But there's no show tomorrow, and he's still just a son in this household so his words _doesn't really matter._

Besides, it's just sake they'll be drinking. He won't get smashed over that, right?

_Wrong._

* * *

             

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

"This..." Toru-san breathlessly muttered as Taka awkwardly balanced his wobbly self over the guitarist's lap. They're in the leader's room—well, his and his brother’s shares room back when both of them were still living here—and if Taka is not just _drunk and horny as fuck_ , he would definitely rummaged all over the younger's stuff and make his life a living hell or something.

"This is why I don't want you to drink!" Toru-san softly hissed beneath him.

Ah, _yes,_ but since he was so horny at the moment, he just casually pushed the guitarist on the lower part of the bunk bed and kissed him like there's no tomorrow before he proceeds on grinding his strained erection against Toru-san's own.

"B-but I..." Taka whimpered, feeling that the friction wasn't good enough—he needs _more_ , something _warm_ , something _real_ , something that would just make him blissfully past out for the night, or early morning or what the fuck ever, "I want... _need..._ "

Toru-san groaned when he pushed down even harder, arching his head back as his calloused hands automatically went onto his sides to grip them, balancing him and pushing him down even _harder._

"Fuck, Taka," he grunted at every gyration of his hips, "W-we're at my parents' house, dammit!" he said through clenched teeth.

Oh, Taka was _very_ aware of that. Even with his befuddled mind, he know that the guitarist’s parents were probably just next door, sleeping and blissfully unaware that their son is having the _dry-humping of his life_ with his band mate. With another _man_ , for all that matters. And something about that fact makes a thrill run down through Taka's system—his motions getting frenzied and erratic as he helplessly surrendered to his bodily desires.

"Toru-san..." he said, leaning forward, almost draping his entire body over the younger's, "I need...need...I promise to be quiet so please..."

_Grab my dick and give me a hand-job_ —was the unsaid request hanging in the air. He just hopes that Toru-san would be sensitive and _smart_ enough to figure it out before Taka have to do drastic moves to make it clear that he's asking for a hand-job. And by drastic moves he meant shouting it out loud for the entire neighborhood to hear. He will do it, for sure, because he's drunk and really, really desperate to have contact with the guitarist's hand.

Toru-san looked up at him, gauging his expressions—well, probably the _needy and helpless_ look on his face—and when the bastard finally deemed him adequate to be a recipient of his glorified hands, he nodded, leaning up to plant a dirty, dirty kiss on his parted lips before narrowing his eyes at him.

"You'd better be coz I won't hesitate to _gag_ you if you're too loud, ne?"

"Heh," Taka licked his lips which were still tingling after Toru-san ruthlessly assaulted it, "Kinky— _ahh_!"

His hand immediately flew on his mouth to prevent himself from screaming as pure pleasure run course his veins and straight to his dick when Toru-san suddenly plunged his hand downwards his hard-on and pumped.

He did that for a few more minutes, eliciting muffled moans and groans from Taka and when the guitarist huffed like an impatient asshole, he decided to give him a hand to return the favor or something. It was so silent in the darkness of the room, yet the sounds of their ragged breaths and the lewd squelching sounds of their hands gliding along each other's members between their bodies is _so loud_ in Taka's ears.

Taka breathed and nuzzled his head into the guitarist's neck, _mouthing and chomping_ on it to keep himself quiet through the delicious, pleasurable ordeal.

He focused on the motions of their hands, just lost in the mind-numbing pleasure that they've accustomed themselves to these past few days. Toru-san's breath was brushing against his ear— _good_ , _just_ _like that, Taka_ —sending shivers through his body.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru glanced at his vocalist under his heavy lids, his heart fluttering at the totally debauched look on Taka's face. He did that. Well, his hands did that and damn if he was feeling so proud to break the older teen into _panting, whimpering_ mess like this.

"Taka... _Takahiro_..." he mumbled, angling his head to the side to catch those lips in the filthiest kiss he could muster, feeling his climax coming like fucking tsunami.

The vocalist didn't look any better, his hips grinding and bucking involuntarily against Toru's hand, his lips sliding against the corner of his mouth, his chin and cheeks in an attempt to muffle himself through a messy kiss.

"More... _more_...just a bit ah—!" he jerked his hand even faster, fascinated on how Taka would always crumble above him—his eyes shutting close, mouth parting open in a soundless scream as he abruptly threw his head back and—

" _Ack_!"

Toru felt all the air leave his lungs when Taka's form suddenly collapsed on top of him.

"Jesus _fucking_ —," he wheezed, hands immediately abandoning whatever they're doing to grab the vocalist's shoulder to pull him off him, "what the fuck?!" he asked,  frustration bubbling within him because he was so _close_! He was so damn close that he can feel his balls almost _exploding_ when everything suddenly halted around him.

_Damn, damn Takahiro!_

He shook the vocalist, but he didn't responded, he didn't even stirred—he was dead _unconscious._ No, not dead— _thank fucking god_ —but just unconscious.

What the hell...

Toru let out a sigh of relief and slight annoyance as he cradled the head of his beloved vocalist, his fingers coursing through the fine locks and feeling a...large bump on it.

His eyes grew wide as he feels it, Taka whimpering in pain at that before he looks up at the wooden support of the top bunk.

_Holy crap._

Did Taka hit his head on the wood?!

_God that was so—_

Toru had to clamp his mouth shut to prevent him from loudly snickering like a fucking lunatic in the middle of the night. His parents would definitely come rushing into his room upon hearing that, and getting caught with a man on bed— _their now-limping dicks hanging out of their pants_ —is the last thing he had ever wanted.

_Oh my god!_

That's like sex concussion, holy shit!

It’s like Taka was about to throw his head back like a fucking pornstar but the wooden beams above the vocalist was too low—even _for his puny little height—_ so he had violently head-butted the bottom of the upper bunk and totally knocked himself out!

_Sex concussion!_

It’s the least sexiest thing that could ever happen to them while making out, holy crap, because instead of having a release, Taka managed to get whacked in the head by a two-by-four wood!

Seriously, _mou…_

Toru gently moved the heavy vocalist off him, put his dick back into his boxers and pants, before going down to get some ice or something, grinning and soundlessly chuckling at that hilarious event.

_Sex concussion, motherfucker!_

Taka would definitely die in humiliation tomorrow if he knows about it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Taka going to Toru's home--without the others--was legit right? I think I saw it in 10rukastyle's recent translations a few while ago. The one when the two of them went to a batting center?
> 
>  
> 
> Also, you don't know how happy I am whenever someone tells me that this fic saved them or made their day a bit brighter. I've never been so thankful that I've written this piece of shit. Thank you very much for always reading, even the lame chapters (like this one). 
> 
> Thanks!


	35. NOBODY'S HOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Osaka part 2~
> 
> "But I’ve betrayed you so many times  
> I just say from my heart that I’m sorry"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, this chapter seemed so bland to me. But I usually posts lame updates from time to time so that's not entirely new??
> 
>  
> 
> The entire Quattro Tour (from Nagoya to Tokyo) was supposed to be just around 12, 000 words-long but look at the fucking word count of each chapters gaaaaaah
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Also, I made a uhm fanart last time (it's unfinished tho) and if you're interested, you can see it on my facebook shits. It's meant to be for Keep it Till the End tho.

Taka blearily opened his eyes—and immediately _regretted_ it when the sun shone directly to his fucking eyes—

_~*shine!*~_

  
"Gaaah!!" he screeched, his fingers trying to grab the pillow next to him to cover his eyes and avoid the massive headache that unfortunately comes along with hangovers.

  
It would've been easier, _really_ , if someone would just give the fucking pillow to him but no, someone is holding it for _dear life,_ making Taka shot his eyes open in annoyance.

  
"Give it to me you fucking—," he said as he uses both of his hands to pull the pillow.

  
"Stop moving around, _bastarrrd_!" was his bed mate's groggy response beside him, and for a moment, Taka had this urge to _scream_ because he's not used in waking up with someone—but then, judging from that low, gruffy voice and the puffs of shiny black hair peeking out of the blankets, it's probably _just_ Toru-san who's sleeping beside him.

  
And hogging all the fucking blankets.

  
And refusing to give his fucking pillow.

  
That he found on this room.

  
_So this is technically Toru-san's??_

  
Taka reluctantly let go of the pillow. It's not even needed, now that he's already wide awake. His head is throbbing, especially at the back like someone had just hit it with a steel pipe or something.

  
Damn, what's in that _sake_ by the way..?

  
His head is aching, his stomach is rumbling and the need to pee is getting stronger and stronger...

  
"Toru-san..." he whined, roling on his side—his back hitting the cold, hard wall because the bunk bed is so small for two grown-up men—to face the _human burrito_ beside him, "Toru-saaaan~!"

  
"Fuck off!"

  
Well, Taka us perfectly aware that the leader has this _deep-sated_ hatred to early mornings but he needs to go to the toilet but he don't know where it is so—

  
He grabbed what seems the guitarist's shoulder and shook it so roughly that even the entire bed shook.

  
_Ah, I must be suicidal today~!_

  
"Come on, Toru-san," he said, "Get up! We still have a full day to go around the city, right?!"

  
No reaction, so naturally, Taka has to use _dire_ moves. He latched on the human spring roll and hugged it so fucking tight that Toru-san instantly peeked out of his blankets. He didn't immediately pushed him away, didn't smacked him on the head nor shout a shit-ton of profanities at his face. Instead, he just glared at him with his lids covering almost all of his eyes— _which is creepy as fuck, I'm telling you_ —making Taka nervously gulped while laying on top of him and hugging his entire blanket-cladded form.

  
Uh-oh...

  
Taka felt like he's gonna _shit_ in his pants— _piss would be more feasible—_ at that cold, _cold_ gaze. He sheepishly grinned up at the guitarist.

  
"Uhm...where's your toilet, Toru-san?"

 

 

* * *

 

 

Taka didn't received any sensible answer to that, well, aside from the shove that the guitarist gave him. Taka groaned, his head hurting even worse as he stares at the old, white ceiling while lying on the damn floor.

_Remind me to never ever piss him off first thing in the mornigh, urgghhh..._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

After Taka had freshened up and made himself look like a decent human being, instead of a _teenage hobo,_ he went down to find Toru-san's mother preparing breakfast.

He was then forced to have some tea and medicines to ease his headache, but when she noticed that he's got a bump, she immediately pressed some ice pack to soothe it.

  
"I don't even know how I got this..." he mumbled, holding the cold press on the back of his head as he lazily sprawled his upper body on the table. It was silent in the kitchen, the sound of food being cooked and the clanks and clacks of pans and utensils filled the air. Toru-san's mother is humming, filling the room with a nice, homey feeling that reminds him so much of their home—back when everything is still _alright_.

  
He could faintly remember those younger years, when Hiro was just a toddler. They would always sit on the counter, waiting for their mother to finish cooking up their meals—Masako humming and singing the enka Taka had _loved so much_ with his young, _young_ mind. They—Tomohiro and Hiroki included—would always stopped bickering or whatever they were playing with to listen to their mother's soft voice, like a _lullaby_ before a good night sleep. Even of their mother raised them like a _Spartan_ , Taka would still say that she's the best Mom he could even ask for. She's strict, _yes_ , locking Taka out of the house when he goes home late, and even tying Tomo's left hand to force him to use his right hand—she would still comfort them, woo him with snacks and songs and just her very smile that could lighten up Taka's mood in an instant.

  
_But that was so long ago,_ he thought, watching as Toru-san's mom put a plate of fruits in front of him. The couple hasn't asked about his parentage since last time—maybe they know but decided just not to bring up the topic—and he's so fucking _grateful_ for that. He still couldn't talk about his past, about him being a Moriuchi to anyone else so...

 

_But I still missed her so much..._

  
Maybe...

  
Taka smiled gratefully up at the kind lady, her smile reminding him so much of the times when Toru-san would gently nudged his shoulder, ruffle his head and smile down at him—the instruments and paper strewn around them, the garage band loud on the guitarist's macbook.

  
Taka stared at the mixed fruits on the plate.

  
_Maybe I should invite her for the Tokyo show..._

 

 

* * *

 

  
After bidding goodbye to the guitarist's parents, they finally went on their merry ways into the downstreets of Osaka. His parents promised to be there for the final leg of their tour and after a quick hug, they left.

  
Osaka is not that much of different to Tokyo with the tall buildings painting the skyline, but Taka noticed that the people are _happier_ , more hospitable and _laid-back_ compared to the always rushing people of Japan.

  
Toru-san had led him to a river, which, according to thr guitarist is, "This is a _real_ river!"

  
Taka said that he doesn't give a _flying fuck_ and that he just wanted to eat takoyaki for god's sake. Toru-san lead him into the town proper while mumbling all the while.

  
The other three, _if anyone's interested to know what happened to them,_ were hanging out in Ryota's house. They even called Taka to ask if he wants to go with him in some shrine or something to, _you know_ , ask the gods for a succesful tour.

  
Ryota said that they will be buying some lucky necklaces and bracelets as charms, and even if Taka doesn't want to admit, he was touched that the youngest would spend a lot for some amulets or something.

  
"Ryota's sweet..." he mumbled as he flipped his phone shut, looking up at the guitarist who's in a line for the takoyaki shop, "He said he even buy something for us! How's that sounds?"

  
"Sounds like a waste of money," Toru-san huffed before he pulled out his wallet to get some paper bills. He gave it to the vendor who gave him the paper plate were steaming balls of cooked batter and octopus we're nestled.

  
Holy crap!

  
"He better choose a nice design or I won't wear it at all," Toru-san said before walking away from the stall to give way to the next customers. Taka nodded, following, with his eyes not leaving the treat.

  
"You're so cruel to your childhood friend, Toru-san, but anyways—," he was about to lunge for the takoyaki when Toru-san— _the ever bastard, motherfucking son of a bitch_ who loves _loves_ to make fun of his height and weight—suddenly put the plate up, obviously beyond his reach, as a smug smile formed at the corner of his lips.

  
"You don't say that to the one who _treats_ you to takoyaki, Taka," he said, gloating at the fuming look on his face, "Say, I think you're the best guitarist first, then I'll give this to you."

  
He raised his brow at that, "How about _NO_?"

  
"Jaa—,"

  
Taka took that moment to jump and reach for the treat but Toru-san is faster, as he quickly jumped away, laughing as Taka's cheeks burned crimson in humiliation, "Argh!!! You fucking Gachapin, gaaah!!!"

  
He was about to throttle the snickering son of the bitch but 4 children suddenly appeared out of thin air, looking up at him with wide curious eyes, as if he's the Messiah or something.

  
He froze on his spot.

  
"What..."

  
"Gachi?!" the girl squealed, his pig tails bouncing as she jumped excitedly on her spot, "Where's Gachapin??"

  
Both men looked down on the confused little kids with the same look of confusion written all over their dumb faces.

  
"Huh??"

  
One of the boys pointed his chubby finger at him—and even before Taka can reprimand him that pointing finger at anyone is _downright rude,_ the boy is already talking with a really loud voice—, "Niichan said 'YOU _DUCKING_ GACHAPIN GAAAH!!!"

  
Taka cringed at thay, _holy crap,_ it's a good thing that the kid had heard ot wrong or else, these kids' parents would surely _skewer_ him for randomly shouting obscene things in the public, which, their kids definitely took up.

  
"So, where's gachi?" the kid asked, tilting his little head.

  
"Uhm..." well, f _uck me_ —he then glanced at the leader for support or help or any form of rescue, really—but said leaser is busy putting his free hand on his mouth, probably to stop himself from just bursting out in laughter, so he thought _fuck you. Fuck you very much, Toru-san._

  
"There he is," he deadpanned, jerking a thumb towatds the direction of a bewildered guitarist, "he's gachapin."

  
It's funny how the children's heads whipped towards Toru-san—who, just for the sake of not scaring the kids away, just smiled titghtly down at them—scrutinizing their guitarist with wide eyes before all of them suddenly scowled—all at the sane time like they've _rehearsed_ it or something—and puffed their chubby cheeks in annoyance.

  
"He's not gachi!"

  
What.

  
Taka bit his lips in an attempt to prevent himself from laughing out loud because just look at Toru-san's face! He looks like a confused, constipated _dinosaur_! Look at the helpless look on that perpetually bored face! Look, _look_!

  
"Uhm..." the guitarist opened his mouth, probably trying to think of proper things to tell so that the kids would stop stomping like brats on the ground, "Uhm—,"

  
"Liaaaar!!!" they screeched in unison—wow, I didn't know that kids can do that—before dashing away like little gremlins. Toru-san was left _shocked_ , his jaws hanging wide open after being accused of _deceiving_ their young minds.

  
_Matte_ , a wide grin spread across Taka’s lips as he sneaked towards the seemingly-unsuspecting guitarist, _This is my chance to get the takoyaki—_

  
No.

  
Because Toru-san suddenly developed this _magical_ ability to sense his presence and jump away even before Taka could snatch the treat.

  
“Gaaaah!!!” he screamed in frustration, his breath coming out in white puffs, “Goddammit!”

  
Toru-san chuckled a few feet away from him, the deep baritone sounding like fucking _angels-singing-from-the-heavens-above_ to Taka’s probably retarded-ear. It was just too pure—so fucking _pure_ that Taka spent five seconds gawking at the man laughing at his ultimate failure!

  
“Maybe you should just say that I’m the best guitarist, Taka,” Toru-san grinned at him, which is not nice for someone like Taka who’s patience is quickly deteriorating, “Or else you're not having free takoyaki."

  
Taka blankly stared at the younger teen.

  
_So, it all comes to this, huh_.

  
_Damn_ eating Takoyaki for free. _Damn_ Toru-san. Damn _everything_.

  
"Fine," he spat, earning a confused look from the guitarist, "Keep that fucking Takoyaki to yourself. It's not like I can't buy them for myself."

  
"Then why didn't you just—, _eh, hey!_ " Taka ignored how the guitarist called after him when he abruptly turned around and stalked back towards the food stall with every intent to buy a new set and eat it in front of the smug bastard just for the _heck_ of it, "Taka, wait!"

  
Toru-san grabbed his arm, forcing him to look back at him. He looked so flustered and nervous and slightly guilty when Taka made his eyes roam on his annoyingly handsome face.

  
A brief flash of last night's event flooded his mind. Toru-san below him, the feeling of a foreign yet so familar hand around his member...

  
_Huuuuh. Did we made out last night??_

  
"What..."

  
" _Gomen ne?"_ Toru-san softly said, his fingers wrapping themselves on his— _not so thin_ —wrist, squeezing in a reassuring manner, "I think I've gone too far."

  
"Yes, you did."

  
"Right," the guitarist sighed before he brought the takoyaki into his hands, like a fucking peace offering or someshit, "Here. Don't go buying another one. Besides, we should be going somewhere else, remember?"

  
Taka stared at the Takoyaki on his hand, then back at Toru-san's face. _That's it?_ Does this gachapin think that he's that easy to sway, that he can easily _forgive and forget_ in exchange of what?! Eight fucking pieces of steaming, freshly-cooked takoyaki?!

....  
Damn, hell, it can!

  
Taka wasted no time in starting to devour the treat, chewing mouthfuls of the hot shit that burns the insides of his mouth like fucking lava.

  
"Hey, give me some too!"

  
" _Muy youm owm!"_ he snapped, twisting his body to shieled the takoyaki from the growling guitarist, " _Mim im mime_!"

  
"You pig—,"

  
He inhaled the fucking takotaki down, "Fuck off, emotionless _dino_!"

  
"What."

  
Toru-san didn't fucked off, like Taka had just politely asked him to, and instead, just watched Taka eat like a starving man with all-glaring eyes like the creep he is. A few minutes later, he finally spoke.

  
"Is it..." he mumbled, just as Taka was about to munch on the last takoyaki, "Is it really _hard_ for you to say that I'm the greatest guitarist..?"

  
" _Yeah_ ," he said, as he put the takoyaki back on the paper plate, ignoring how Toru-san visibly winced at the harsheness of his response, "Because you're _not_ the greatest."

  
"Ouch."

  
Taka stared at the last piece of food. Toru-san sure loves _assuming_ things huh? Of course he's not the greatest guitarist, _pfffft_ , he's _not even_ the lead guitarist in his own band. But that just mean that he still have a lot of chance to _grow up,_ to grow _better_ , to be the _best_ in the future, right?

  
Why is he even thinking about those stuffs, _mou_?

  
"But it's fine," he said, nodding to himself, "Even if you're not the best, I _will always_ still choose you as _my_ guitarist, you know?"

  
Toru-san made a strangled sound at the back of his throat at that statement, and for a moment, he thought he saw a faint blush creeping into those pale cheeks—but it was gone in an instant—so maybe it's just his _hopeful delusions_ to see Toru-san blushing furiously again.

  
Images of a panting, huffing younger teen in the dark room flashed into his mind.

  
Eh?

Well, one can hope right?

  
He grinned, "Here, take this last takoyaki since I'm a _good_ band mate to you," he said, thrusting the plate onto the younger's hand.  
Toru-san dumbly looked down at the treat before he snorted, "You really say the most embarrassing stuffs, huh?"

  
_Funny hearing that from the man who said that "I promise that you won't have to sing while looking down anymore."_

  
"Fuck you, Toru-san," he glared at the now smirking teen, "Fuck you very much."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

After yet another _disastrous_ attempt to eat street foods, the two went in a batting center to discover what's so fun in playing baseball. _I mean_ , those trio loves playing the ball game no matter what season it is, right?

  
Well, that's what Taka is telling himself when in reality, it was just too cold outside and there's really nothing interesting to do in the city thaf they can't in Tokyo.

  
And so, batting it is.

  
It was fun, to his surprise, especially when Toru-san showed his _majestic_ ability to miss the ball for 10 consecutive times.

  
"What the fuck, Toru-san!" Taka howled on behind the nets, "Hit it properly you lame _bastard_! You're our _leader_ for damn's sake!"

  
The guitarist gripped the bat tighter, his face contorted in a look of either pure _determination_ to hit the _ball_ this time or _determination_ to not just flip everything off and hit _Taka_ with the bat for being an annoying audience.

  
"It doesn't have anything to do with this!" he said, swinging and missing the ball for the eleventh time, "Mou, this is so fucking hard! I swear this machine is _rigged_ or something!"

  
Taka grinned at the younger's pathetic attempt to blame his failures at the pitching machine.

  
"Stop whining Toru-san, mou! The machine doesn't have a problem," he shouted, "It's just you _sucking_ at this!'

  
The glare thrown at him could have made him _combust_ into flames at the intensity of it.

  
"Oh yeah?" Toru-san asked, a loop-sided grin forming on his lips as he tilted his head in his direction, "Why don't you try this, you bastard?"

  
Errrr.

  
Taka's feet automatically dragged him away of the net, " _Maa_ , I _would_ love to," ne nervously started as he fiddled with his fingers—the usual shits he do when he's about to get a _hell of scolding for being so nasty and stupid_ —while Toru-san is still smirking in challenge at him, "But _ano nee_ , my head still hurts so—,"

  
"Well," Toru-san clacked his tongue, "That's what you get from last night."

  
_Last night?_

  
"What—,"

  
"But don't make excuses, come here and let's you doing shits against that machine!"

  
Taka's brows knitted in utter confusion, "Eh?! _Matte, matte,_ what happened last night?!"

  
The guitarist blankly stared at him for five fucking seconds, the suspense and tension in the air making him sweat bullets, "...you don't remember..?"

  
_Would I ask if I do?!_

  
"Maa..."

  
To his surprise—and fear—Toru-san suddenly chuckled, like he's remembering a really, _really_ hilarious shit in his past or something, making Taka wonders on what the hell happened when he was drunk as fuck last night. _I didn't...said stupid things right?? Oh my god, what if he saw my old videos when I'm still in NEWS?? SHIT._

  
"I'll tell them to you," Taka abruptly stopped panicking at that, he _hopefully_ glanced at their leader, only to find that familar blood-curling smirk on those thin lips, "But you should try hitting one of these balls first."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka was left with no choice but to try it. He would just have to wait for the ball and hit it with the bat right? He had seen it _thousand_ of times when they watched the trio play in some random parks during their free time before any lives, _so it shouldn't be that difficult, right?_

  
Wrong.

  
Because no one told him that the balls were gonna be zooming like _fucking jet planes_ towards him!

  
"Gaaah!!!" Taka screeched as he jumped sideways, totally evading the baseball.

  
"You're supposed to _hit_ it, dumbass!" he heard the leader screamed somewhere behind him, "Not fucking _run_ away from it!"

  
"What if I got hit you idiot?!"

  
"Then you'll have another concussion! Just do your fucking job and hit it!"

  
_Concussion_?! Taka reluctantly moved back on the improvised home plate and held the bat the way he saw Alex holding it during their mini-games, _when did I had a concussion?!_

  
He couldn't answer that becase the ball is already coming— _rushing_ —towards him, _shit shit fuck I don't want pain gaaaah,_ and in an attempt to prevent himself from getting his face smashed with a base ball, he swung the bat so fucking hard it flew out of his hand and reached the fucking ceiling of the batting center.

  
" _A-re..?"_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _"I di_ dn't do that!" he angrily snapped at Toru-san while they're in a taxi going back to the hotel where Gocchan and the others were staying. The baseball event earlier was agreed upon to be filed under the growing list of _"shits that should never be brought up again or else, death would be inevitable"_ they have.

  
_That_ , Taka can live with, but the fact that he had hit his damn head— _and passing out_ —while on the verge of reaching his release last night?

  
Fucking. _Hell_.

  
"Yes, you did," Toru-san hissed beside him, "You left me _hanging_ there, you know?! And I was even so close!"

  
Wow. _Did you even get worried about my head or something?! You're really a perverted dinosaur through and through, huh?!_

  
But well, now that the guitarist had brought up that topic...Taka is starting to have bits and more frequent flashes of the events of last night—him pushing Toru-san on the bed, almost draping his entire body against the familiar warmth, his lips kissing those perfectly sculpted ones, his crotch grinding and seeking the guitarist's hands...and...and...

_"More...more...just a bit ah—ack!"_

  
He paled at that, his head suddenly throbbing in pain and the urge to just curl up in some random corner to die in utter humilation. Holy crap, _it actually did happened_!

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
“Is he alright?”

  
Toru made a strangled sound at the back of his throat when Alex-senpai finally reacted on the news that Taka is having his usual brooding moodswing at the moment because he's not feeling that well.

  
They're currently outside the entrance of the hotel and waiting for Gocchan as he get the van somewhere in the basement, with all eyes trained on the seemingly _dazed_ vocalist.

  
“Uhm,” Toru laughed nervously when Taka glared at him. Wow, despite almost having a concussion, this fucker can still glare like that huh? _Why is he even glaring at me after I told him the truth?! "_ I think so. It’s just a minor, bump. Nothing serious…” he said.

  
Alex-senpai blankly stared at him, obviously not convinced with his response.

  
“I hope so.”

  
“I’m alright, mou!” Taka huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. Despite saying that he’s perfectly fine, he can still notice how the vocalist would occasionally wince. Probably because of his headache every now and then, “You’re so annoying!”

  
“We’re just worried about you, Taka-chan,” Tomoya said as he straightened the strap of his bag on his shoulder, “Why did you even have a bump in the first place?”

  
…

  
…

  
A long, tensed silence fell between the five of them. Toru can’t really say that they’re about to have a _mind-blowing_ make out session inside his room while his parents are just downstairs. That’s just…too _bulgar_. Besides, Tomoya and Ryota are still unaware of the development of their relationship. Heck, god knows how those two will react?

  
But Taka has a different opinion because he suddenly opened his mouth and said—

  
“Well, it's your natural response to toss your head back when you're about to _cu_ —mph!,”

  
“Gaaaah!!!” Toru jumped and slapped a hand over the vocalist’s filthy, _filthy_ mouth to prevent him from saying the real reason—hell, for saying _anything_ —to the other members. What the hell?! What happened to being private as hell? What happened to “ _let’s not tell them coz they’ll definitely lose their shits_ ” agreement they had weeks and weeks ago?!

  
Was it because Taka had hit his head earlier?! Or maybe he wanted to punish Toru for making fun of his batting skills— _as if I'm in a place to do that, seriously_ —earlier?!

  
“Don’t tell them!” he said, ignoring the groan of protests and muffled screams of _“I-can’t-fucking-breath-you-bastard!”_ from the vocalist’s mouth while the other three stared at them as if they’re witnessing some nurse attending to a schizopreniac patient, “Look! Ryota is too young to be exposed to those kind of things!”

  
He can feel Taka and Ryota’s jaws dropped on the pavement at the same time. He…Toru must admit that it’s not the best excuse but _I’m at my limit here, dammit! I haven’t had a good fuck and now, you’re practically screaming to the whole wide world that we’re doing something perverted in my room, gah!_

  
“ _Mou_!” Ryota crossed his arms over his chest, as he feigned—or maybe it’s actually _genuine_ —hurt while Taka managed to escape from his clutches through elbowing all the air out of Toru’s lungs, “I’m not a child anymore!”

  
“Of course you’re not,” Taka muttered as he straightened his disheveled hair, “But you’re still our _baby_ , na?”

  
…

  
Alex:…

  
Toru:...

  
Tomoya:…

  
Ryota:…

  
…

  
A long, tensed silence ensued between them.

Of course, it has been common knowledge that Ryota is their youngest member but heck, must Taka say it with those obviously not carefully chosen words?! What the hell, is this also a side effect of his mini-concussion?!

  
Then Ryota suddenly jumped in front of Toru, his eyes wide in panic as he pointed an accusatory finger towards the vocalist who’s now busy…staring at the wall across him as if he didn't just _bombed_ a conversation a few seconds ago.

  
“Eh, Toru-nii!” he wailed like a completely bullied child, “Mori-chan is _gone_! He’s saying weird stuffs now! What’s next?! He’s gonna get some amnesia?!”

  
Toru and Taka blankly stared at their ever-dumb bassist.

  
Meanwhile, Alex-senpai suddenly howled in laughter, which is not surprising at all because he’s just…that _kind_ of person. The kind who will burst into _hysterical_ laughing spree even if there’s really nothing funny to laugh at.

  
“Oh god, this is so precious _ahahahahaha_!!!” he send, bending over his kness to support himself from just… _falling over_ as violent fits of laughter shook his scrawny body. Toru eyed his upperclassmean in wary and slight annoyance.

  
“I think this is getting serious…” Tomoya hummed in a thoughtful manner as they conveniently ignored the freaked-out Ryota and laughing-like-a-hyena Alex-senpai, “but more importantly, Toruge. What’s Taka-chan _doing_ when he hit his head? Are you two fighting again?”

  
Toru choked on that. Why is everyone assuming that he always fight with Taka whenever they’re left alone together in a room? Maa, they’re usually bitching out at each other verbally but…

  
Toru opened his mouth to say—

  
“We’re trying wrestling moves—,”  
—at the same time that Taka nonchalantly said:

  
“I’m on _top_ of Toru-san,” making everyone suddenly fell into a hushed silence. This is even worse than before because three sets of confused eyes beamed towards the guitarist and the vocalist, silently demanding for more… _elaborate_ explanations.

  
“O-oh!” Ryota said, punching his palm as if he just discovered something beneficial to the entire human race, “So, you’re trying that huh? That’s fun!”

  
Toru wanted to punch Ryota for being an _oblivious, naïve kid_. But hey, he’s actually also somewhat thankful to the heavens that Ryota is an oblivious, naïve kid because _god knows_ what his mother would do to Toru once he discovered that he’s allowing things that might corrupt the _purity_ of the bassist’s mind.

  
Toru also wanted to punch Taka for spouting those shits again. What if their band mates would discover that they’re already…in that stage, huh?! Well, with the exception of Alex-senpai because the lead guitarist is so _perceptive_ that he had discovered Toru’s feelings for Taka even before he can realize it himself!

  
“Whaaaat?!” Tomoya drawled, looking at them with wide eyes—his face full of betrayal—, “You’re watching those? You have time practicing wrestling moves when you don’t even want to play baseball with us?”

  
“Baseball is so _bothersome_!” Taka and Toru simultaneously said— _thank god,_ they're actually saying the same thing this time, making the drummer pout and play with the hem of his shirt like a sulking kid.

  
And Alex-senpai…

  
Toru blinked as he glanced at the half-American, who, for some unknown—and definitely annoying reason—had suddenly stopped laughing and is now staring at Toru’s face with the most serious face he had ever seen on the older teen’s face.

  
Uh-oh…

  
_I don’t like that kind of look…_

  
Alex-senpai’s gaze then went to Taka’s pouting face, then back at Toru before his eyes slowly widened and welled up with tears—

  
“Oh my god!” he suddenly screamed, making everyone jump on their feet in shock, “ _Oh my god!_!!” he even repeated because Alex-senpai is that kind of a bastard, before the half-American threw his head back in laughter, spraying tears everywhere.

  
“What the fuck,” is the band’s unified reaction when the lead-guitarist went running away from them while screaming something awfully like:

  
“Rough!!! That's too fucking rough, you shitty kids hahahaha fucking hentais hahahaha!!!”

  
Toru loudly coughed, wanting to drown the explicit things that their guitarist is currently yelling to the world.

  
“I think I’m sleepy,” Taka blandly said. Toru had expected him to blush in infuriation, like he usually did on whatever Alex-senpai is doing, but no—Taka surprised him by acting so  _nonchalant_. It’s as if he doesn’t even give a fuck that the half-American is shouting that Taka had got a concussion while roughly making out with him. Actually, he thought that the vocalist would just…I don’t know, ran after Alex-senpai to murder his pathetic ass or something?

  
This must be really serious.

  
“Oh no!” Tomoya said, as he fussed at the one who’s usually bullying him to death. He grabbed Taka by the shoulders—again, Toru thought that Taka would slap the living daylights out of the drummer’s face, but no, Taka just stared at nothing—his eyes looking _far, far away._

  
“You’re not supposed to sleep when you have a concussion!”

  
“Huh?” Ryota said, gathering the attention of their drummer, while Taka just continue staring at nothing, “Why’s that, Tomo-kun?”

  
“I don’t know…I just read it before because Taka might just fall into coma and never wake up!”

  
No one answered. It was dead silent aside from the rumbling of an engine from afar, making Tomoya huff in frustration.

  
“Forever!”

  
“Whoah! That’s bad! Really, _really_ bad!”

  
“Yeah! Who would cook for us if Takahiro kicked the bucket?! We’re all gonna die!!!”  
Toru gritted his teeth. He can feel his patience—his usually long patience—snapping, cracking like a fucking twig. _These_ _idiots_ …

  
“Toru-san…” Taka murmured somewhere beside him but he ignored him because he still hasn’t forgotten the fact that Taka almost betrayed their pact just a few minutes ago, “I think I’m seeing a _light_ , Toru-san…”

  
“No! Don’t go to the light, Taka-chan!”

  
“Mori-chan, no!!! Don’t leave us!”

  
Tomoya shook Taka’s shoulder as he went _ballistics_ with immense worry and fear, “Whatever you do, don’t go to the light Taka-chaaaa— _ack_!” he instantly bounced away when— _I can’t believe I’m saying this_ , fucking finally!—smacked the drummer, loud and hard, on his forehead. Toru watched in _sick_ satisfaction when Tomoya ran towards Ryota to wail like a pathetic bullied child.

  
“That’s so mean, Taka-chan!” he whimphered as Ryota inspected the red skin of his forehead, “I’m just worried about you! If you go to the light then you’re gonna die!”

  
“But there’s really lights!” Taka insisted, pointin at— _wow, there really are light_ s—the fucking headlights of the Hi-Ace van they’ve been using for the tour. What the hell. It was so surprising that Toru can even heard Ryota and Tomoya’s jaws hit the ground. “There’s our ride! Come on, I’m sleepy!” Taka moodily said as he stalked towards the vehicle.

  
The other two sheepishly followed their vocalist while Toru took his damn sweet time on walking towards the band. It’s too close. One more slip-off and they could have _been_ discovered. The development of their relationship was almost discovered. And he can’t afford to have that, especially now that Taka is still…confused and have a vague definition of whatever they’re having between them.

  
Gocchan peeked out of the window and waved at him, “Huh? Where’s Alex, Toru? We’re leaving!”

  
“I don’t know,” Toru said as he entered the vehicle and sat beside Taka who’s automatically plugging his earphones, before casually leaning his probably painful head onto his shoulders. Toru naturally snaked his arm around the vocalist's waste and adjust their positions so they could be more comfortable for another set of long-ass drive back to Tokyo, “Let’s just leave him here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Taka starting to mend his relationship with his parents (particularly his mother) started on this era, I think.  
> -The spartan way of raising them is legit, stated at the book of Mama Mori herself.  
> -The batting center shits is somewhat legit.  
> \- when I first saw thr Yononaka Shredder, I found it cute that almost every member was wearing some sort of bracelets and necklaces of the same design. I just used them as fucking lucky charms for this chapter.  
>  
> 
> Ahhhhh hahaha so effin lame gaaah
> 
> Anyways, Asada Mai's face is infuriating the hell out of me for no reason. I am so fucked up.
> 
> Please tell me what you think (even tho I suck at replying immediately) coz those comments/suggestions/criticisms and corrections make me really happy (during these crappy days of my life).
> 
> Thanks for reading~!


	36. ZEITAKUBYOU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tokyo Show.
> 
>  
> 
> "Yeah, I was crying. Crying even on stage. I was frantic. Quattro was extremely big after all. It felt like happiness and, later, a variety of emotions were all exploding."  
> -Taka, Rockin'On Japan: June 2012 Band Interview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I find this chapter a bit...I dunno. When I finished writing it, I felt like I finished reading a book or something. And I was almost bawling at the last part, but when I read it again, my expression was like, "MEH, YOU ACTUALLY CRIED FOR THIS CRAP?"
> 
> Anyway, I'll let you decide it hohohoho.
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not and will never be mine.
> 
> BUUUUT I posted their Yononaka Shredder DVD on facebook, for those who haven't watched it because trust me, it will be needed to have a good...grasp of this chapter. You can find it here: https://www.facebook.com/TORUKAisJUSTICE/videos/180498236112629/

Tomorrow will be their final live for this tour.

They've agreed on having a free time for today, to gather all their _wits and shits_ before their final show. It's also to get some...time to relax because god knows how nervous they are. Shibuya Quattro is a big place, _you know?_ Bigger than any other places that they have performed into. And even if Taka had already sang and talked in front of the National TV a few times in his previous career, he could still got scared shitless because this time... _this time it will be different._

_They_ would be different.

_Taka_ would be different.

He sighed, scratching the back of his neck as he stared at the monitor of his MacBook. He was alone in his unit, _for once_ , and the deafening silence around him makes him so aware of the emptiness, of the loneliness of his unit when the other idiots are not around— _when Toru-san is not around_ —to bug him and make his day strenuous and like a living hell.

_Tomorrow will be the start_ , he thought as he grabbed his phone and flipped it open, scrolling through the contacts and finding the name of the only _woman_ he had love so _so_ much in his life.

_...so...so she should be there...even just for this once..._

Taka's thumb hovered over the call button, _what would you say to her once you saw her again?_ Would Taka apologize for causing a lot of shit in his younger years? Would he need to say sorry for being probably _one_ of the reasons why the divorce happened? Would he need to say sorry for _running away_ , for _disappearing_ for years just because he wanted to he wanted to prove himself, to break away from the Moriuchi name that had stick to him like a _curse_ since childhood?

There were so many questions running to Taka's mind at that moment, but amidst that, he's sure of one _thing._..the only thing that he could probably say to his mother the moment he see her tomorrow night.

He pressed the button, waited anxiously as the beeps went by, until he was finally passed into the answering machine.

_“Hello, this is Mori Masako...”_

Taka gripped his phone tighter, his eyes stinging with tears as he heard the familiar sweet voice of his mother—all the _memories_ crashed into him, all the _yearnings_ , all the _times_ he spent alone thinking about their broken home and missing— _longing_ —for his mother's warm, tender embrace.

"Hello, Mother?" his voice cracked as he desperately tried to rein in the sobs he _oh-so_ wanted to let out, "This is Takahiro. How are you? I...we...our band would be...having a show in Shibuya Quattro tomorrow...I'll...I'll send some tickets for you, ne? If... _If_ you have time..." Taka squeezed his eyes shut, as the images of her mother flashed through his mind. _God_ , why is he being so dramatic over this? It's not like he's getting _married_ tomorrow! _And where the fuck is Toru-san when I need him, mou!_

Now, he wants to bawl even harder for missing _not only_ his mom but even the gachapin-faced guitarist.

"If you have time..." he swallowed hard, "I would be really _happy_ if you could come, ne? Thank you...take care, _ne_?"

No one answered.

Of course.

But Taka could not care less. He let out a long sigh of relief before ending the call. He stared at the blank wall across him, as he wiped the tears off his now red-rimmed eyes. He must not cry, _not now of all times._

Maybe tomorrow. Because god knows how hard he'll cry when he see his Mom amidst the crowd.

And then he'll say...he'll say all the things he had wanted to say _, all the things_ that he had kept for years, _all the stories_ of the things that ever happened to him while he's away...and above all, he'll say that...that...

_I've missed you so much, Mother..._

_Can you hear me now? I'm so sorry for every shit that I've ever done..._

_I love you..._

I love you...

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Ryota stopped playing his PSP game. It was supposed to be a day off for them but he couldn't really relax when he knows that tomorrow us a bug day for the band. He should've just asked Tomo-kun to play baseball in the park, just to take his mind off the show tomorrow night.

_Yabai, yabai, I'm so nervous uwaaah!!!_

He had never felt so nervous in his life—well, since the day that Mori-chan had _glared his way_ into the studio when they first met—and it _sucks_ even more because Toru-nii is not here to coddle him and say some...stuffs to cheer him up or something...

_Mori-chan should have just agreed to live with me, mou!_ He huffed and tossed the gadget somewhere on the bed as he crawled towards his guitar. He should just practice, _yes_ , that's a good decision.

But sometimes, he find it...a waste of time to practice when all he can do is to stand like a fucking statue in the corner of the stage—away from the lights, away from everyone.

_But tomorrow's a special one...and I don't want to have any regrets..._

He thought as strummed the thick strings of the bass. His dorm mates would also be coming, especially the Satoh-san who's constantly saying how he loves One Ok Rock and how he loves Mori-chan's voice even more—which Ryota found _weird_ , coz he's acting like a fangirl! _Mori-chan would definitely blush like a virgin if he knows about this Satoh-san..._

And for some reason, Ryota had this thought that Toru-nii _wouldn't like some_ other boy saying those admiring stuffs to Mori-chan because he's weird and bit possessive of their vocalist?

_Eh? Nande?_

Ryota tilted his head in confusion, his brain working overtime for a moment before he realized that he should be practicing, not thinking of the _weird yet so fucking strong_ bond between their leader and vocalist.

He stood up and went in front of a full-body mirror that Mori-chan had so graciously gave him a few months ago, saying that if he wants to look cooler on stage, he should practice playing the bass in front of a mirror—like in some dance studios or something.

So Ryota stood there, blandly staring at his too thin form, his bass guitar seems to be so big on his small frame.

Eh.

_What the heck?! How am I gonna get cooler like this?! Eh???_

Tomo-kun, _tasukete!!!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

" _A-achoo_!!!"

Tomoya reeled back into reality after that sneeze. He blinked cross his reflection on the mirror of some random music studio. He was supposed to be resting at home, like Toru had told them yesterday, but with a huge show coming up, he just could not stay still in a place and do...nothing.

_I'm gonna die of boredom, mou!_

So he had decided to roam around in the city, checking out shops and arcades but he grew tired of that. Despite _popular belief_ about his seemingly endless supply of energy, he still...feel empty at the moment. So when he saw a small, underground studio, he was more than eager to go into it and played the drums as enthusiastically as he can.

He was so lost in his own world, head banging up and down as he beats the drum, the loud sound echoing from all the sides of the confined space. It was good, but it wasn't enough.

He wants to be a good drummer that everyone could rely to on stage. He wants to be a good drummer, to see everything and hear every instrument while watching everyone's back from the rear part of the stage. And most of all, he wants to be a drummer that _Takahiro_ could be proud of, the drummer that he could lean on to, the drummer who could _make his voice stand out even better._

He wanted to be a drummer fit for ONE OK ROCK.

"AHHHHH!!!" he screamed, sweat sprinkling everywhere as his movements grew harsher, throwing his head back, eyes squinting at the glaring lights, "I'M SO FIRED UP, _MOUUUU_!!!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was late in the night but Alex is still in the busy streets of Shibuya. He was out on a date, since today is supposed to be for relaxation or _someshit,_ but after a few hours of spending time with the girl, he finally succumb to the anxiousness and this... _weird itch_ to grab his guitar and play the solos he would be doing for tomorrow.

"You'll be there tomorrow, right?" he smiled at the girl who's busy fiddling with her long, straight her. She looked up at him, wyes so big it's obviously contacts, as her pink lips pursed before breaking into a wide smile.

_Flirt._

"Of course!" she said, "I'll be there to support you!"

Alex smiled, and after making sure that the girl got a taxi, he sighed and absent-mindedly weave his way through the crowd and walked towards the direction of his unit.

He wonders if he's the only one feeling like this...

This isn't the first time that he felt such nervousness and giddiness and excitement. Heck, he works as a part-time model, _for god's sake_ and compared to the other members— _ehem Tomoya and Ryota ehem_ —he knows that he's faring better in front of the crowd.

So why...

_Why am I feeling like this..?_

_Am I getting crazy?! Holy shit, no fucking way! I haven't seen any UFO yet! And my good genes would go to waste like that!_

Urgh. He huffed, putting his hands into the pockets of his jeans, white puffs of air escaping his mouth. He stood behind a crowd waiting for the stoplight to turn green, his eyes zooming onto the huge LCD screen of the Center-Gai.

_I want to be on there in the future..._ he thought _, I want ONE OK ROCK to be displayed in there for all the world to see._

Someday...

_Someday..._

_In the future,_ he'll make sure of it.

_But for now..._

The lights turned green and the sea of people went rushing from all directions, traversing the famous crossing going to their own destinations.

_I wonder what those hentais were doing?_ He grinned to himself _, I hope that Toru won't be so fucking rough with Mori-chan tonight because we don't need a limping, hoarse vocalist tomorrow!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru trudged the wet pavements with his guitar heavy on his back. He had secured train tickets for his parents, so they could have a worry-free travel tomorrow for their Tokyo show. After that, he had talked to Gocchan about some technical shits that make his head hurts like hell and his mouth dry and craving for the taste of tobacco in eat.

But smoking before shows is a _no-no_ , unless he wants some wacking from their vocalist who wanted nothing but perfection for each and every live. And by _wacking_ , he doesn’t mean anything related to kissing or making out or touching each other.

Ehem.

_Now that I'm thinking of it, he's not answering my calls since this afternoon, mou!_

That's the reason why he's now walking into the familiar apartment building, in the middle of the chilly winter night, just to fucking check on their vocalist. It's cold, and walking while feeling anxious about the safety of the older teen is such a pain in the ass, _so he better appreciate this or else..._

Or else what?

You gonna bend him over and spank him for making you worry and running towards his unit?

Eh?

Of course not. As if Taka would allow him to spank him. Toru might even end up having a _black eye_ for even trying to do that. But man, it's been days since they last had the time to...to... _you know_. Let some steam off.

_And god knows how_ —with every touch of those fingers, with every harsh pants and moans from those full lips, with every movement of those hips and every time he could hear those erratic beats of Taka's heart against his chest after every tryst—his desire to get closer, _even closer_ , past beyond clothes and physical actions, to Takahiro. He had dreamt of it a lot of times, you know _? Fucking Taka against the mattress,_ that is. Hearing his groans and moans as he laid spread beneath him and _no,_ he's not having a boner right now, while standing in front of the vocalist's apartment door.

…

Toru glanced down at the _obvious_ tent in his pants. _Fucking great._

He spent a few more minutes out in the cold air, shooing his hard-on with his mere willpower alone because god knows how the vocalist would react if he barged into his unit having a massive hard-on. He'll probably laugh his ass off. And Toru would probably kiss him to shut him up, just like the good old days. And then they would probably end up scratching and clawing at each other's clothes. And that's not a good idea because— _look, my erection is rising again, dammit_ —the other members are probably waiting for them in the other part of the city now.

Ehem.

After what it feels like forever, Toru finally went into the unit without further much ado. He didn't even _bother_ to knock because that's just a hassle. I mean,  why knock and have the possibility of getting the door slammed at mu face when I could just go into the unit with my keys?

Well, it's a duplicate of Taka's keys—which were copied without the knowledge and permission of the vocalist—but that's not that of a big deal anymore, right?

Right.

So he went inside, only to find Taka busy watching something on his laptop. He had his earphones on so Toru had to bang on the wall to gather the vocalist's attention.

"Gaaah!!!" Taka screeched, shutting the laptop with a loud thump that makes Toru wince because he's sure that the expensive gadget should never be treated like that, "What the fuck?! _What the fuck, Toru-san?!"_

He pursed his lips, "What are you watching? I've been calling you for hours!"

Taka breathes through his nose before he put the earphones away so that he could...glare at him with more passion.

"I-It's just some _music video_!" he stammered, making Toru narrow his eyes in suspicion. Taka looks like a scared, cornered animal, but he's not in the mood to start yet another fight with the vocalist. He sighed, _I'll just check his history tomorrow_ , before he put his guitar case on the sofa as he padded towards the long couch where Taka is sitting, "Why are you even here? Aren't we supposed to be...minding our own business and not barging into someone else's unit, you trespassing piece of shit?!"

"I thought that everyone would feel shitty and nervous for tomorrow's show," he said as he leaned on the backrest, while Taka cautiously eyed him, pushing his MacBook away from his spot, "So I booked a rehearsal for tonight so we could use all of our extra energy. Same old place and time."

He saw Taka's head snapped to him, eyes giving him this look that he only usually give whenever Toru did something...worth being a leader.

"What..."

"You, _for once_ , sounds like a leader, Toru-san!" Taka faked a gasp before stood up and stretched his muscles. Was he watching those _..."music videos"_ the entire night? Were they so interesting that he had missed all of Toru's 69's calls?! "Now that you've mentioned the show tomorrow, I should also prepare my clothes after our rehearsal tonight."

That perked him up, "What? I thought we already had agreed on wearing plain black shirts?" his brows furrowed in worry, "I swear to god, Taka, if you even thought of wearing something fancy tomorrow, I'll fucking kick your ass!" he barked.

"What?! Why would I even wear something fancy?!"

"I don't know," he shrugged, a bland smile forming on his lips as he eyed the vocalist's not-so lithe form, "Maybe because you're a bocchan who loves wearing extravagant clothes and accessories?!"

“I don’t wear extravagant clothes!”

Toru let out a disbelieving huff, “Sure.”

“Oh now you fucking—!”

He wasn’t ready for that. _God_ , he should’ve known that _every other normal conversation_ with the vocalist could leave to them pissing the hell out of each other over petty things—making Taka pounce on him, _literally pounce_ , as in he jumped onto Toru-san like a fucking sky-diver—

“Oof!” Toru felt every ounce of air leave his lungs when the vocalist landed on his stomach, grabbed his collars to shake his head off his shoulders or something, “Get off—,”

“Take that back first! I don’t wear those—,”

“Oh, who the fuck cares you—,”

“Fucking bastard—,”

Toru should have already expected the next turn of events, too. He should’ve learned his lesson that any burst of temper between the two of them could easily lead to them pawing at each other’s clothes, leaning forward to allow their lips meet in a bruising, angry kiss before they fall prey into the heat of the moment.

“ _Mppggh_ h,” Taka moaned above him, “Bastard…”

“Asshole,” Toru hissed as he glide his moist lips onto the vocalist’s jaws, down to his next, as he pried the collar away to bite the soft, tender flesh where his neck met his shoulders. Taka let out a muffled sigh at that, tilting his head away to give more access to Toru who’s now sucking and lapping at the exposed, offered strip of flesh.

_Damn, damn, damn_ , he could kiss Taka like this forever—

If not for the sudden flash of Alex-senpai’s distraught face in his mind. What—

_Oh carp, crap!_

He instantly pulled Taka away from him, the vocalist looking dazed and disoriented for a moment before his lips went into a full-blown put, “the fuck is that, Toru-san?!”

“Rehearsal,” he breathed out as he tried to straightened his clothes, “We have a rehearsal for tonight and everyone’s probably waiting for us now…” he glanced at the vocalist who’s looking up at him with a blank, close to exploding face that make Toru gulped, “…what?”

Taka looked at him, long and glaring, before his own almond-shaped eyes darted on his strewn collar, the bruise red and moist and a huge contrast to Taka’s otherwise creamy skin.

“Maybe…” he started to inch back, his ass almost bouncing off the cushions of the couch as the vocalist began taking in deep, _deep_ breaths as if he’s trying— _and failing_ —to control the anger bubbling within his chest, “…maybe you should just wear a collared shirt tomorrow _ack—matte, matte_ —aaaaah!!!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The day of their live came.

It was surreal, the five members wandering aimlessly in the small room allotted for them. The tension is high, even when they were just starting to set up the instruments—which were not really that much, just a few guitars—laying the chords and watching as the lights played in the hall of Shibuya Quattro Live.

Toru had watched everything unfold, from the moment they started doing the sound checks, until everyone was dismissed to do whatever the hell they want before the shows starts. He saw his parents arrive an hour before it starts, saw Ryota’s family and Alex-senpai’s sister in the back room. There’s also this familiar Amuse talent lurking in the sidelines— _Satoh Takeru was it?_ He also saw Tomoya speaking and laughing with some unfamiliar faces—some of the guys patting his back—talking about _“Kan-chan had underwent an upgrade!”_ or something. Toru snorted, his tired eyes scanning the area for their vocalist.

_Kan-chan? WTF._

His eyes landed on the familiar form of Takahiro, and for a moment, Toru thought that he’s talking to his mother. The vocalist had mentioned it in a passing earlier, that he had invited his Mom but she still hasn’t answered his voice message. Toru, for once, didn’t know what to say at that. Well , he couldn’t find the right words to speak because just one look at the forlorn look on the vocalist’s face, just one look at those obviously forced smile and the way he acts as if it’s nothing…

_I do hope that his Mom would come…even at the later part of the show…_

Because this is an important live, and aside from Taka himself, Toru’s the one who knows how the _band_ needs this, how the v _ocalist_ needs this to prove, to show to everyone that he could be better, that he could be a different person from the Moriuchi Takahiro who carried his parents’ name for a long, long time. And he knows that Taka wants his parents…or even just his mother…to be there, to witness how much he had changed, to show how much he had grown.

But…

But instead of his mother, Taka is talking to a tall girl—taller than the vocalist himself—and looking everything like a model or actress. What. _What the hell?_ The familiar burn _of childish jealousy and immature possessiveness_ immediately flared within Toru, as he watched Taka and the girl laughed at each other’s words.

_What the fuck is he doing there?! He’s not supposed to…to…_

Toru’s brows furrowed in confusion, supposed to what? You’re not in a relationship, remember? His mind harshly spat. No one said the _magical_ “I love you” and “I want to date you” words that could, probably, tie them to a committed relationship. But…but they’re kissing and touching each other’s dick so that must’ve meant _something_ , right? Right?

He swallowed the painful lump forming into his throat at the thoughts.

_No, no, I’m not supposed to be thinking of these shits! We have a show to focus on tonight!_

Besides…she must be probably just a fan, right? And Taka’s gentleman nature would make him face the girl, just like he did with his bashers last time, right?

Right. The show. He must focus on the show—

“Suzuki Emi,” he almost screeched in surprise when Alex-senpai appeared out of thin air behind him.

“Do you want to scare me to death or something, you—,”

“She’s a model and actress,” he said, his eyes narrowing at the figure of Taka and the said Suzuki-girl, “I think she recognized Mori-chan from his younger days,” he continued, even if Toru is showing that he’s obviously uncomfortable with the topic. _The fuck is Suzuki Emi by the way?!_ And wait, he knows Taka from his Johnny’s days?

Was she…

Was she here to make fun of him too, the way those girls did?!

Toru snapped his gaze towards the unlikely pair, but contrary to his worries, the Suzuki-girl was not spitting out harsh words to their vocalist, no, nothing of that sort. They’re just snickering as if they’ve known each other for, like, ever, and are now exchanging phone numbers.

“Well… _holy shit_.”

Toru wished that he was the one who uttered that cuss with so much _passion_ , but no. He glanced at Alex-senpai in confusion because why the fuck is he reacting like that when it’s Toru who’s supposed to feel like _shit,_ to feel _betrayed_. He cocked an eyebrow at the lead guitarist, who just stared at him for a moment before he exasperatedly shook his head.

“You’re not gonna say anything?”

“Say what?”

“To Taka?” the half-American shrugged, and even without him elaborating his words, Toru is perfectly aware that he’s pertaining to the girl their vocalist is talking to with the enthusiasm of a hyperactive puppy. What does Alex-senpai wanted him to _say?_ What does Alex-senpai wanted him to _do?_

And more importantly, what does _he_ wanna do?

Stalked there and drag Taka away from the girl?

Tell him to not flirt to everyone, especially when he’s around to watch it all?

Tell him that it was Toru _who’s supposed to be the only one_ who can make him smile and laugh and make his eyes shine like that?

But…but…

_“You might be my leader but you can’t order me around like that.”_

He pinched the bridge of his nose as Taka’s words rang to his ears. We’re not even in goddamned relationship.

“I don’t…” he started, before letting out a sigh of distress. What the hell, this is supposed to be their biggest show in Tokyo to date and here he is lamenting on the fact that he’s doing explicit stuffs with the vocalist and yet he couldn’t still _label_ whatever they’re having now. Actually he feels a bit… _scammed._ Like he was _baited_ with sweet kisses and hot, burning touches but without any really promises of commitment, of exclusiveness, of _love._

_Oh. Wow._

Love?

Does he even love Taka?

“…I don’t have to say anything,” he pursed his lips as he put his hands into the pockets of his jeans, “He’s free to do anything what he wants, I mean, we’re not actually going out so…” he trailed off, shrugging the dark feeling that’s slowly swirling within his chest.

Alex-senpai doesn’t look like he’s convinced with his words, well, he has never been, but he didn’t say anything for a long time. It was just when Taka looked up and grinned at them when the lead guitarist finally broke his eerie silence.

“I hope you don’t go regretting this moment, Toru…” he mumbled before smiling too wide and meeting the vocalist halfway, “Hey, Mori-chan, why won’t you introduce us to your friend, huh?!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Let’s do it, let’s do our engine,” Taka said as he pulled the door closed and faced the other members, silently beckoning them to take out their hands to the shit they now had adapted everytime they’re about to perform, “Let’s do our engine! _Ikuzo_!”

“Yosha!”

“This will be our last,” he said, as everyone exploded with their own gibberish—agreeing with their high-pitched nervous voices, their shoes pounding on the ground, making Taka’s head spin with the adrenaline coursing through his entire system, “So let’s give our best na!”

“ ** _OOOOHHHH—CHEEEE—HIIII—OSSSSU_**!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka’s ears is ringing when the crowds started to scream in the hall. It was dark in the backstage, cramped and filled with wires and cables. There were signs plastered on the wooden partitions but he couldn’t make out the letters as his vision went hazy with nervousness and excitement and the thrill of being on a different stage for tonight. The other members were bouncing on their feet, talking at the same time as they pat each other, trying to get rid of the nervousness from their bodies. They hugged, _yes,_ ruffled each other’s hair and squeeze each other’s sweaty hands but _it’s not enough_ to calm Taka’s nerves down.

_Why am I even getting so nervous?!_ This is not different from any other lives! Well, the place is the same but…but everyone is here, and the audience will be there, so what’s making Taka so fucking edgy?!

Gaaaah!!!

_I need...I need, Toru-san…_

_Mou, where the fuck are you when I need you the most, huh?!_

Taka paced back and forth in the backstage, his hand slapping the wall because he needs something to _hold on to_ , something to _hold him_ and tell him that _everything_ would be alright, that they would be alright once they set on that stage. And it will be a fucking lie if he denies that he’s expecting Toru-san to...drop by and hold his hand, squeeze it roughly before smiling down at him, telling him that they could do just fine. Even, _better_.

But no, said Toru-san is already going into the stage—Taka watched it all with dread and anxiety when everyone went out, the fans screaming even louder. _Damn, damn, damn gaaaah!!!_

Calm down, calm down!

It’s alright. _I can do it_. _We can do it. I would do it_ —even if his hands are sweating like hell, even if his hair is not on the best shape, even if his mother is not coming, even if he’s wearing this ugly black collared shirt just because the damn Gachapin left a visible mark last night—he would do it.

_Ryota even had bought us some lucky charms so we will definitely slay this show!_

Their parents are here so they must do their best!

Right! _Right!_

He squeezed his eyes shut, even without Toru-san’s reassuring words, he could do it—before he finally went on stage. It was misty, the air is suffocating and it’s warm and stuffy inside the hall even if it’s obviously cold outside. The blue lights make it hard to see, and Taka could only take in the silhouettes of hundreds of hands raised in the air, seemingly reaching for them as the screams and cheers pierced his ears.

For a short, short moment, he felt at lost—like his soul leaked away from his body and that he’s watching this unforgettable scene from far away, like a s _pectator_ from the outside. He was so overwhelmed, the hall suddenly turned muted in the background and for a moment, he thought that he was back on that national stage again— _and that this is all just a blissful dream_ —all the months they’ve spent together into getting better and building a band, a family were all just part of a very lucid dream. And that he’ll suddenly wake up, gasping and reaching for nothing back in his old unit before meeting Toru-san.

His eyes went wide, and was about to have a full-blast panic attack when he glanced on his sides—the silhouettes of his band mates flooding his vision and… _and…_

That was all he _needed,_ apparently.

Light came zooming back, the sound erupting like fucking volcanoes in his ears. He can now hear the rough static, the test strums and beats of the instruments, the crowds, and the echoes across the entire hall.

And when the lights dimmed, he swears he heard Toru-san’s low, low voice saying something like, _“Look forward. Sing,”_ before the first song started.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was a crazy night.

The show—Taka can’t really remember much of it—well, aside from the loud sounds of music in his ears. When he had first saw RIZE’s concert years and years ago, when he had first heard that song from Linkin Park, he had always thought that playing in a concert would be fine—would be _exhilarating,_ would feel so fucking good—but he’s wrong, _god knows how he’s wrong_ —

Because at that moment, _nothing_ can explain the feelings forming within his chest.

With every verse he sing, with every riff played and with every rhythm, he can feel it expanding and expanding, growing bigger and broader—threatening to explode any moment because this is the view he’s been _dying_ to see all his life. Sweat dribbled from their faces, the exhaustion is also visible with their movements and they probably looked like _drenched kittens_ but Taka couldn’t care less.

It was pure _glee_ , pure _joy,_ pure _ecstasy_ when they were on the stage—lights and all eyes and ears focused to them—everyone enjoying their music. But aside from that, there’s also this...unsettling feeling of…of not being content on what they’ve reached. _This can’t be the end_ , Taka thought, his hair standing to all directions, _we won’t stop just because we’ve reached this…_

He want _higher_ grounds.

He want l _arger_ places.

A _bigger_ stage where they could walk, where he could jump and move around as far as his microphone chord would allow him.

A bigger backstage where they could store all of his band mate’s instruments.

He wants _more and more_ people to listen and enjoy their songs, even for just a night.

_“Kako wa kyoukasho ni mirai wa shukudai de ima aruiteku aruiteku_

_Kanashimi no namida wa yobun na namida nagashitekou…”_

He wants…he wants to sing and sing until his chords give out, until he can’t sing anymore…

_“nagashitekou…yeaaaah…”_

He wants to sing until…until he had proven to everyone that he could change, that he could be better, that he could stand on his own without parents and…and…

He raised his head, and a familiar face on the left side of the stage gathered his attention—

“ _Oooohhh_ …” his mouth twisted in an open-mouthed astonishment as he saw her face—her awfully, _painfully_ familiar face. And amidst the chaos of lights behind and above them, Taka saw that smile on her lips, those shining eyes and the look of pure pride on her face—the face that reminds him so much of their once perfect _home_ , of their family, of w _armth_ , of _love—_

She—she came—

_You came—!_

“ _I love you, mama I love you, papa_ ,” he sang while looking directly at his mother’s face—his throat clenching as tears gathered at the corner of his eyes—as he pounded his chest, _praying_ that his voice would reach her, that his thoughts would make her understand all the things he had done in the past years, praying so hard that she would always remember how _unfathomably_ thankful he is for her, “ _Kono yo ni unde kurete doumo arigatou…_ ”

It was an explosion of energy after that—they could no longer see each other properly, Toru-san bumping into Ryota, Taka rolling at the back at the sheer intensity of it, screaming and hugging Ryota, and when the final songs ended, when Toru-san started thanking everyone for coming tonight, Taka couldn’t help it anymore—

Everything crashed around him—they said that you could see your entire life when you die, but that’s not true, because at that moment, when he was yelling his gratitude for everyone—Taka was assaulted with all the shits that had ever happened to him—

Flashes and bits of everything came to him like a fucking tsunami—the first time he met those bored-looking eyes, the Yankee-kun who would suddenly _popped out of nowhere_ in the winter nights, the persuasive, forceful Yamashita Toru who pushed and _pushed_ until Taka finally yielded. He can see those eyes sneering at him when he first went to the studio, how he melted into the band with lots and lots of arguments with everyone, when Ryota broke down because he felt like he’s just a burden and that the band could go on without him, when Yu left them hanging in the air, when they went to a ticket office to go to America, when Toru-san celebrated his birthday, when they first met the country-boy Tomoya—

Their first gigs, their first outdoor lives, their first festival—the first Monster Bash experience when a man was giving them a dirty finger—their first one man live in Shinjuku Loft.

All the times they get annoyed at each other, all the times that they hang out in his place to make demos and lyrics, all the laughters, all the sweat, all the tears—

They all crashed to Taka, _drowning_ him in a sea of feeling that was so warm, so excruciating, so fucking good that he burst out crying and wailing in front of the entire crowd.

_Toru-san…_

He hid his eyes on the sleeves of his undershirt, mouth pulled down as he silently sobbed all his emotions out.

_Thank you…Thank you so fucking much!_

He would never forget this night.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

To say that Toru was shocked when Taka suddenly went bawling on the stage was a huge understatement. But _maa_ , it’s probably because this live means a lot of things to him, more than anyone in the band right. It must be also because Taka’s mom came—yes, he knows how she looks coz he do some research too, sometimes. He was confused because Taka sang those certain parts of the last song, looking at someone, as if he’s actually saying those lyrics to the person—and when he look at the direction where Taka is facing, he thought, _“Ah. That must be it.”_

Taka is probably feeling so happy right now.

But that’s still not an excuse to hug Alex-senpai like that, mou!

Toru watched in slight disappointment when instead of him, Taka ran towards the lead guitarist for a tight, long-ass hug. _Sure, taka_ —he inwardly scowl, ruffled the vocalist’s hair—as he just focus on pouring green tea on his cup, _hug him like that you fucking—_

And then, the vocalist—who’s probably also a psychic because he can read Toru’s mind—suddenly turned to him and hug him—and every bad feelings that were stirring within him instantly flew out of the fucking window.

_Damn_ the camera following them around.

_Damn_ Alex-senpai muttering something like, “There’s camera, Toru, and put your cup down if you’re gonna hug Mori-chan, mou.”

_Damn everything_ else because at that moment—he can feel the warm, almost feverish body heat from the vocalist pressed against him, Taka smells like sweat, the mist from the live house and his usual fruity shampoo, his heartbeat loud enough for Toru to feel it against their clothes, as the vocalist mumbled a string of _“arigato, Toru-san, you don’t know how grateful I am, gaaaah, we did it ahhh!!”_ into his ears—Taka in his arms is all that matters.

_Fuck everything else._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

After they’ve change their clothes, he was about to call the vocalist and ask him if he would want to eat with his family for a small celebration, but when he hear the distinct sounds of Taka crying and sniffling in one of the many hallways of the club, his feet instantly halted on their own.

He can’t see it—as if he would really take a look on the older’s crying face—but the sobs and endless chant of “ _I missed you so much!”,_ and _“I’m so sorry for running away from home!”_ and _“Thank you!”_ was enough for Toru to know that he’s talking to his mother.

_Maa…_

Toru sighed, putting his hands into the pocket of his jeans, as he pursed his thin lips. Taka would definitely want to spend more time with his Mom, now that they’ve finally meet after some years, so he should just allow it, ne? He would love to meet the woman who gave birth to Takahiro but he knows that this is not the right for it.

_We could always celebrate next time so…_

He smiled, turned around and walked towards the exit while humming a few of their songs.

_I’ll just drop by to his unit tomorrow and prepare for the Hatsumode…_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Ryota practicing in front of the mirror as per Taka's suggestion is legit.  
> -Taka's Mom coming to the show is legit, based on Ryeon's translations of the Rockin'On Japan: June 2012 Band Interview. Translations are not mine. You can find it here: http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/28895843798/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-3  
> -Suzuki Emi, as everyone of you probably know, is real.  
> -The scene before the show, Taka singing and crying, and the hugs were all taken from the Yononaka DVD, and I just put some shits on it to make it more...you know
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, thanks for always reading! Any kind of feedback would be very much appreciated!
> 
> One last chapter until the end of 2007 hohohoho~!


	37. The Same As...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The High (AKA the last pitch before the fall)
> 
>  
> 
> "The shape of love is  
> The same as your heart is  
> It doesn’t matter who you are  
> So tell me my heart is  
> The same as yours is  
> It doesn't matter if it's in  
> dreams, sad or lonely times  
> you'll always be next to me!  
> And we hold every moment  
> ’Cause that’s what family is for."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've said in HTMHF, I resigned from my job, was unemployed for 13 hours before I started the other one. I've hated my previous office with burning passion so leaving it should be really nice but then, when I cleared all of my things, and saw how bare, how impersonal the table has become, I was really, almost sobbing because I'm probably a nutcase. Or a masochist. I asked myself if I'm really willing to go on another company, start over again with new people and shits, leaving my friends, my table, my wonderful corner behind. I was so damn scared that I can't even write a fucking sentence last week and I'm panicking like hell because I don't wanna stop writing. It's all I have.
> 
> Then everyone was cheering me up, telling me tot ake my time. Thank you Cheng, 10969Mima, Ashe-san, Chris-Fainello, Li.an, Darkwishes23, Julie-san, Erica, Kenobhy, Reicchi, wordsandnotes.png, Koneko-san, and all the other people who, might not know me in person, still went out their ways to give some pieces of advice.
> 
> The change is indeed overwhelming, abrupt and I'm barely coping up with it but this is better than staying, rotting, hating the place I'm in before.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, is this chapter worth the wait? **Definitely NOT**. But it's better to start shits again, and maybe, I'll get used to it in a few more...hours? Days?? Hahaha
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you very much!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“A _no saa_ …” Toru gritted his teeth, his hand clenching and unclenching to prevent it from _just_ …smacking Taka’s annoyingly joyful face across him, “When you told me that we’re gonna spend the New year’s Eve together, I thought, it’s gonna be just _you and me?_!”

  
Taka looked up at him, his cheeks and the tip of his nose burning red at the cold, _cold_ weather outside as they stood in front of the huge wooden Torii of the Meiji Jingu in Shibuya. He’s wearing his Peruvian hat, the one he saw him wearing the first time they’ve met, and he’s all bundled up with thick sweater, gloves and boots—totally looking more like a _kid_ rather than a man on his early twenties.

  
“It’s _you and me!_ ” he said, a grin spreading even wider—if that’s still possible, but hey, it’s Taka we’re talking about here, _big mouth_ and all—, “Plus _everyone_ else!” he announced, gesturing for the other three members of the band who’s busy laughing and eating street foods behind the vocalist.

  
Toru felt his eye _twitched_ at that.

  
He has been…planning for this, for _two years_ now, because he don’t want to let Taka celebrate his New Year alone anymore. He had promised him the last time that when he turned 19, he will stay in Tokyo and see the first ray of sunlight peek from the horizon with Takahiro beside him. He had imagined it—clearly, _vividly_ —the two of them waiting along the crowd in a Shinto Shrine, eating and laughing, and _probably holding hands_ —just to keep their hands warm throughout the cold night in the outdoors. He had envisioned Taka’s face—bright and flushed and a huge smile plastered on his full lips, his fingers clutching his sweater so as not to get lost into the thousands of people around them. Then they would finally reach the shrine, clapped their hands and pray before going to a secluded place where they could silently wait for the sunrise to peak from the horizon.

  
_Except_ that they’re in the middle of Tokyo, there will be _no_ blue horizon.

  
_Except_ that they’re also not completely alone, because the vocalist had this crazy _buzzer-beater_ idea of gathering everyone to have the Hatsumode.

  
“I’m _hurt_ , Toru!” Alex senpai said, grinning as he rubbed his hands together for warmth, “Why, don’t you want us to tag along?! We’re a family, you know?!”

  
“ _Hai, hai!_ ” Tomoya said, who looks like he’s being swallowed by those huge sweaters and beanie, “Besides, there’s a lot of food tonight! And I can drink _sake_ too!”

  
“ _Yoshaa_!” Taka agreed, giving high-fives to the drummer. He probably just went here for the food and drinks, that _bastard_.

  
“But I can’t still drink, _mou_!” Ryota fidgeted beside Tomoya, making Toru focus his blank, slightly pissed-off eyes at the youngest member of the band.

  
“What are you _even_ doing here, Ryota?” he spat, knowing that the bassist is supposed to be at his home in Osaka, spending the New Year there together with his parents and _Neechan_.

  
“Eh!? Am I not supposed to be here, Toru-nii?!”

  
“What the fuck, Toru-san?!” of course, leave it to taka to be so fucking dramatic as he put his hand over his mouth in false disbelief, “You’re so cruel with Ryota here! Are you on your _perio_ —,”

  
He glared at the vocalist.

  
Taka threw his back, cackling like a maniac, probably because of the deadly look on his face. Damn. _Maybe I should just go back to Osaka?! Why did I even skipped the usual celebration with my family and friends—yeah, I have actual friends back home, no need to get surprised over that small stuff?_ Just to what? Get some bullying from the vocalist?

  
Toru pursed his lips at that as he tugged his scarf, that was wrapped around him, covering almost half of his face, tighter. He’s scared that if he didn’t occupy his hands, he will end up _strangling_ the vocalist for pulling this shits.

  
We should have just stayed home, he thought—his mind wandering at the lazy early evening they had in his unit.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_BANG! BANG! BANG!_

  
“Jesus fucking—,” Toru almost tripped on the floor as he rushed towards the door. Someone is banging on it like there’s no tomorrow, and judging from the familiar voice yelling “ _Open the damn door, you bastard! My ass is freezing over here!_ ” behind it, he already knows who that someone is.

  
He had called his parents yesterday, telling them that he won’t be able to make it for this year’s Hatsumode because he had made plans with Taka to celebrate it together. Well, he was the _only_ one who actually planned about it but _let’s not dwell much into the derails._ What’s important is that, Taka won’t have to greet the New Year while sleeping, _alone and cold_ in his unit, this time. And that the said vocalist, is probably gonna _murder_ him for not opening the door at his first knock.

  
“Toru-san, you fucking—,”

  
“Stop yelling, _mou_!” he snapped, flinging the door open. There was a blur of black and blue and before he knew it, Taka is already bouncing inside, shaking snow and leaves from his entire body like a fucking dog, making a mess on his floor. “Don’t just shake ‘em off! Use a fucking towel!”

  
Taka glanced at him with an irritated look on his face, “Then be a good host and lend me one, instead of standing like a fool in the genkan forever!”

  
_Oh. What, now? He’s gonna pull that tyrant attitude here? In my house?_

  
Toru snorted as he pushed the door closed and lean back on it. He haughtily crossed his sleeved-covered arms over his chest as he regarded the vocalist with a “ _you’re not gonna get something from me_ ” look, “You don’t go ordering me around in my own house, you bossy dumbass.”

  
He watched as those almond-shaped eyes narrowed into slits. _Dangerous_ slits. So dangerous that Toru almost choke on his _tongue_ at the intensity of it. It looks like Taka is trying to manipulate him with those…scary… _sharp_ …murderous eyes that promise _days_ of being ignored and left alone in the dark corner of the studio during rehearsals.

  
Ehrm…

  
“Oh, _yeah_?” Taka said as he pulled his hat off his hair, the strands standing to all directions as he carelessly toss it away, “I leave Hiroshi and Takashi for this, and you’re telling me you’re not gonna be a good host? Really, Toru-san?”

  
He looks so fucking fed up and _betrayed_ that Toru just swallowed the _“who’s Hiroshi and Takashi again?”_ question he’s itching to ask.

  
“ _Maa_ —,”

  
“Do you want me to throw those _shirts_ away, huh? The one you sneaked in my closet, Toru-san?”

  
_What. I thought I hid them well enough?!_

  
“That’s just for overnights!” he justified, “It’s better to have some _spare_ clothes in the closet—,”

  
“In my closet—,”

  
“—in your closet, yeah! Besides, you let Tomoya and Ryota eat the food in your fridge, how’s that _different_ , huh?”

  
Taka shot him a look of disbelief, and no, he’s not pouting. Not really.

  
“Well, for _starters_ ,” Taka began, even flailing his arms for emphasis, “They actually ask for permissions, unlike someone who just shoved all of his clothes under my own!”

  
_Ouch_.

  
“ _Maa_ —,”

  
“Stop it, Toru-san,” Taka dramatically shook his head, looking like he’s about to drop the typical _“it’s not you, it’s me”_ break up line, “Can you just fucking get me a towel?”

  
Toru stared at the vocalist. And stared at him even _more_.

  
Before he finally _yielded_ , letting out a magnanimous breath of annoyance as he sulkily stalked towards his room, “Fine, _fine_ you fucking ass! Wait, huh,” he stopped just before he entered the room, “I forgot that you _don’t_ have an ass—,”

  
“I do have!” Taka yelled in indignation, “You’re the one who’s flat!”

  
“Uh-huh,” he shrugged as he turned around and padded towards the fuming vocalist. He looks like a cold porcupine getting angry for some petty things, “Lemme _judge_ it for you!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He received a smack on the head for that silly comment. Damn, Taka can really hit so hard despite having a smaller stature, huh? Well, at least, Toru had gotten away with just a smack. And glarings. _Tons and tons_ of glares.

  
Now they’re sitting across each other, their legs under the warm kotatsu that his parents have graciously bought for him after the Shibuya Quattro event a few days ago. He was hesitant to accept it but when Taka, and everyone else in the band cheered like _fucking kids_ at the mention of kotatsu, he begrudgingly accepted it.

  
The four idiots were so happy to test the furniture, so much that they had hang out in Toru’s unit for _two days_ just to experience the kotatsu. They bought foods and Taka cook them like a fucking professional chef so he don't really have any complaints. Even the mess were dutifully cleared by Taka, and a reluctant Tomoya— _because the vocalist had captured him in an arm-lock_ when he tried to escape the household chores with Ryota and Alex-senpai. When the hype was over, Toru finally had the time to experience it without annoying people around him, and having accidentally kicked in the balls by _god-knows-who’s feet_ under the table—

  
“That’s my _crotch_ , Toru-san,” Taka impassively commented as he sipped his green tea. Toru was so lost in reminiscing the previous days that his feet accidentally extended themselves and…reached the clothed privates of the vocalist across him.

  
“Oh,” he blinked, the urge to lift the heavy blanket to see if his foot is indeed touching Taka’s groin was so _strong_ , “Sorry.”

  
All was well for a few seconds. Taka peeling the orange with expert hands, the low drone of the TV humming in the background, the hiss of the electric kettle can also be heard—the scene screaming so _fucking domestic and pure_ —before the vocalist suddenly screeched in terror.

  
“Toru-san!!!”

  
Toru smirked as he pushed his foot even farther—feeling the familiar warm bulge on the older teen’s pants. Why would he _look_ at it, when he can just _feel_ it?

  
“ _Ooooh_ ,” he drawled, plopping his chin over his palm as he take in the flustered look on the vocalist’s face. Taka looks so horrified, livid and…and slightly _aroused_ at the moment that he can’t pull his foot even if he knows that there would be a hell of beating and screaming and probably the vocalist throwing him out of his own unit later.

“Someone’s got a hard-on, huh?”

  
Taka’s mouth hang open, “I do not— _ngghhh_ ,” he groaned, eyes squeezing shut as Toru applied more pressure, “You fucking—,”

  
He smugly stared at the vocalist’s pained expression. Well, it was pained at first, but when a full minute passed without him grabbing the guitarist’s ankle and _twisting it beyond repair_ —like any _sane_ man would do in these circumstances—Taka’s expressions shifted into something more alluring. His eyes went cloudy, cheeks burning as he helplessly perched it on top of the smooth wooden table, his lips slightly parted, warm puffs of air escaping it with every breath he takes—

  
“— _pervert_ …” he finally hissed, more like a whimper as his glare soften into something akin to bedroom eyes, which— _automatically_ —send some shivers straight down to Toru’s groin.

  
“Heh,” he laughed out, his foot kept on moving, pressing, and _rubbing_ at the vocalist’s poor, probably _aching_ crotch right now, “Says the one who’s _enjoying_ the thing.”

  
Taka glowered at him, but didn’t made any respond to that. Maybe he’s really _feeling_ it. Well, he had spread his legs a bit wider, allowing Toru’s foot more room to play—and _oh, play he did._ Toru sat back on his haunches, now doing the motions with renewed vigor, watching as Taka silently yield into the twisted pleasure he’s forcing onto him.

  
He can see the puffs of white air escaping those moist lips, eyes almost half-closed as a more vivid scarlet exploded on his cheeks.

  
Damn.

  
Not too long after, Toru can see the vocalist's eyes squeezing shut, head thrown back and a muffled keening sound erupting from his lips. Toru has to lick his lips at that wonderful sight, the urge to just lean over the table and push Taka on the floor and make sweet love—w _hoah, whoah, whoah dangerous thoughts Toru, very dangerous thoughts._

  
Now that the vocalist has obviously cummed, _I mean, look at that poist-coital bliss all over his face_ —even if there's actually no coital that happened—Toru can probably ask for the same favor right? It's like give and take, right? This shit between them, whatever this may be is based on that principle—and trust of course—right?

  
"My turn," he said, voice sounding like an impudent brat as Taka slowly regarded him with wide, glazed eyes. For a moment, the brat looked like he had not recognized him, his own guitarist and leader, because he's still probably too high on the bliss.

  
"My turn," he repeated, because judging by Taka's expressions, he probably needs a pounding in the head—not in the ass; well, _not yet—_ before he completely understand the implications of his words.and also because, why the fuck not?

  
"Turn?" Taka tilted his head, looking like a confused, fat little kitty before realization finally dawned upon him, "Oh. Ooooh you perverted _ossan_!"

  
Says the one who just cummed because of getting a...a... _foot job_?? _Is that what you call it??_

  
"Don't worry," Taka, full of energy again, cheekily nodded before he braced himself on the edge of the table, sliding on his bath—because his legs are shorter, _pfffft_ —and _**directly pushing his feet onto Toru's aching, burning groin—**_

  
"Ack!" he instantly doubled over, the pain is so fucking blinding that he dumped his head onto the table without really feeling anything. Blinding pain shoot up to his spine, white flashing behind his eyes.

  
Ahh—

  
_Gaaah, my balls!! They're fucking shattered ahhh!!!_

  
Taka was startled, looking up from the floor—because he had _somewhat_ slid all the way down on his back, feet kicking and shattering Toru's dicks and balls into fucking pieces.

  
" _Oooops_..."

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
"Nee, Toru-san, nee~!"

  
Toru shrugged off Taka's hand from his shoulder. After that... _soul-sucking_ incident, they decided to give space to each other because one, Toru is not in the mood to entertain a hyperactive, apologetic Takahiro, and two, he wants some time alone, lying on the floor and feeling the warmth and comfort under a kotatsu, but heavens, _no_.

  
Taka can't clearly read the message, or the somber atmosphere floating around them because he just casually plopped behind him—Toru is lying on his side, head cradled over an arm, as he faced the blank wall across him, eyes glaring at the _innocent_ partition, his entire being determined to ignore the fuck out of Takahiro.

  
Taka is tugging on his sweater, like a needy attention-seeker, whining with that goddamned voice of his, "Nee _,_ Toru-san! Face me dammit! I already told you that I didn't mean to do it!"

  
"Oh yeah," he bitterly spat, "Meant or not, it still fucking hurts! I think this will hurt until next year!"

  
"Well, it's _good_ that the next year would come in a few more hours, huh?"

  
WHAT.

  
He glanced over his shoulder and was about to glare laser beams at the vocalist, only to be met by Takahiro _sheepishly_ smiling at him. And god, did that made his heart almost jump out of his fucking ribcage.

  
"Why are you smiling like _that_..?"

  
"Like _what_?"

  
"Like you're planning something evil!"

  
Taka looked taken aback for a moment, the smile disappearing and replaced by a confused frown before he cheered up again, mouth breaking into a wide grin as he _attempted_ to hug Toru's blanket covered body.

  
" _Maa_ , I just wanna say that I'm sorry, okay?" he said, not sounding apologetic at all but more like he's enjoying the cruel fate he had just imposed on the guitarist a few minutes ago, "I swear I didn't meant to kick you in the balls! I was just gonna return the favor and give you a foot job, ne?"

  
So, that's what it's called huh. Foot jobs.

_Disgusting_.

  
But still... _arousing_.

  
Huh.

  
He pursed his lips, ignoring Taka's wide confused eyes. Damn, since when did he even started to become a mega pervert when it comes to the vocalist? He's already a _hentai_ , like Taka said before but to the extent of almost jumping on the older teen just because they could?? Gah. Maybe he needs some time to _slow down._

  
And ignore the vocalist.

  
Like, right now.

  
"You're not even listening to me!" he blinked out of his stupor when Taka screeched awfully close to his ears, before unceremoniously pulling him such that he's completely lying on his back, with the vocalist snuggled beside him. He scowled, but it does not have the usual creepy intensity because of the warmth permeating into his sides. Taka is warm, flushed and so, so _soft_ snuggling like that against him. He looks like he could beat Toru in a wrestling match, just look at those chubby arms and shits, but in reality, he is just a huge _walking marshmallow._

  
A walking, talking, hugging _piece of fluff_ that can sing like a fucking angel. A pop-punk angel.

  
Huh. What's with that crappy analogy again?!?

  
Taka pillowed his head on Toru's chest, the edge of the warm futon pulled until his chin as he stared up at the guitarist's stone-cold face with those shining, hopeful eyes.

  
"Don't fucking ignore me, you gachapin faced asshole because you wouldn't like the consequences..." he said, making Toru almost hurl him across the floor because why is he making threats when he's the one who should be begging for my forgiveness, huh?! "Anyway, let's just go to the shrine for the Hatsumode," he said, stopping all or Toru's dark, revengeful thoughts into their tracks, " _You and me_ , ne?"

  
...

  
...

  
He went speechless at that. Well, what could he say about it?! This is like...like the most ideal way to greet the New Year with the vocalist! A late night news playing in the TV, a basket od orange, a warm, comfortable kotatsu and a trip to the nearest shrine for the Hatsumode...

  
It was like a dream come true!

  
This is the first time that they will be together in the first day of the year because he has to go back to Osaka in the previous ones, no matter how it's difficult to leave Taka alone in his unit. God knows how many times he had spent thinking on going back to Tokyo, even thru a taxi, just to see the vocalist last year. He had called Taka, thousands of times— _of course, this is just an exaggeration on my par_ t—and apparently, the vocalist was fast asleep during those hours, when the world is wide awake, eating and cheering and drinking—wating and praying for the New Year to be good to them. He had wondered if Taka has seen the world on this particular day, merry and bustling yet reverent and silent in the temples. He had wondered if Taka has even spent a whole night, idly doing shits and watching the news and TV specials to blur until the clock strikes midnight.

  
And now...

  
Now...

  
Here he is, Toru dramatically sighed, his eyes glazed with ridiculous tears, as he glanced down at the _VOCALIST QUIETLY SLEEPING AWAY IN HIS CHEST._

  
What. The. Actual. _Fuck_.

  
"Don't go asking me out for the Hatsumode if you're just gonna sleep!!!" he snapped, pushing the man away, but Taka had this...awesome (and definitely annoying) skill of clinging to Toru like a _motherfucking_ _koala_ even in his sleep, so after a few more minutes of trying to wake up the vocalist, and after Taka's sleep-induced slurs of _"5 more minutes_..." and " _Yeah...we go there.._." and " _Toru-san is so comfy_...", he finally gave up and just...lie there, allowing the older teen to use his body— _gah, why does it sounds so wrong?!_ —as a pillow and personal body heater.

  
And Toru, despite all the snarky comments and cussings he spitted out, seems to also love that idea, because at some point, he also had fallen asleep—cradling and pulling Taka close, tucking his head in the juncture of his neck and shoulder, inhaling the scent of snow and shampoo from the vocalist, the the even, steady breathing and beats from his chest lulling him into sleep like a sweet, soft _lullaby_ in the middle of the night.

 

 

__

* * *

 

 

 

  
The year could've ended better with them snuggling under the warm kotatsu like that, but no, they had woken up minutes before dawn and hurried their fucking ways to the Meiji Jingu shrine.

 

Only to fucking see the other three members of the band, patiently waiting for them. And oh, there's this annoying _knowing_ smile on Alex-senpai's face again a she watched them run like fucking lunatics in the midst of the crowd.

 

That's how they ended up in front of the old, wooden shrine. The trip toward sit was not easy, god knows how many times he needed to hold Taka's arm to prevent him from being carried away by the sea of people. Add that to Ryota, who look _equally_ scared because this is his first time seeing a shit ton of people gathering for the Hatsumode in Tokyo.

  
"I'm sacred, Toru-nii, uwaah!!!" Ryota cried, squished, somewhere behind him, "Don't let go of me!!!"

  
Tomoya, the ever-reliable senpai dutifully comforts the youngest member but, because Alex-senpai is a _notorious_ asshole, he almost made the bassist cry when he pushed him away od their little group. The wailing and flailing from Ryota get them odd looks from the other people, so they decided to chill down and followed the flow until they reached the front of the shrine.

  
"Uwaaah!!!" Taka whispered beside him, the sounds of coins clanking on the metal from the people at the back were so loud on his ears, "I've missed this!"

  
"Hai, hai, " Toru nodded, "Let's just hurry up coz there's still a shit ton of people behind us waiting for their turn."

  
"Language, Toru," Alex-senpai warned him and after eyeing him in disdain, they finally try doing the ritual—emphasis on the word "try" because Tomoya suddenly gasped beside the lead guitarist.

  
"Eh, matte! I don't have any coin with me!"

  
Jesus fucking Christ.

  
Toru rolled his eyes in exasperation as the drummer low-key panicked, which made Ryota panic as well, Alex-senpai laughing at their antics until Taka finally smacked Tomoya at the back of his head, putting a shit-ton of 5 yens on his open palms, so much that most of them spilled and landed on the snow-covered snow.

  
_Wow_ , Toru's brow rose at that, _Taka sure did come here prepared huh._

  
He was about to say something about that but Taka glared at everyone—inlcuding the innocent, by watcher Toru—silently telling them to shut the fuck up and don't ruin the Hatsumode for him. Everyone obeyed and after throwing their coins into the metal box, they pulled and shook the heavy ropes hanging across them, bowed twice— _Taka almost banging his head on the box_ —clapped their hands in perfect sync as if they've rehearsed that for _decades_ , before they finally went into praying.

  
_I wonder what should I wish for..._

  
Toru grimaced. He was not prepared for this. He hates spontaneous shits like this but he's already here, so what can he do? Besides, the crowd is already pushing behind them so he might as well hurry the fuck up muttering his prayers.

  
_Maa, I wish for good health for my family and for everyone in the band._

  
_And our success in the music industry, I hope that this year would be good—better, even—to us._

  
_I hope that we could make more songs in the future, all of us together._

  
And...

  
And...

  
Toru opened an eye, glancing at the smaller vocalist whose eyes are squeezed shut, face contorted in concentration as his lips move with every murmur of his prayers.

  
_I hope that we could spend more times like this in this year...and all the years to come...Takahiro and I..._

After clapping one last time, they went out of the way of the crowd, eating and drinking until the sun finally rose to the winter sky. The breeze is cold, and despite the layers of jackets and sweaters on them, they could still feel the chill of the air around them. Toru sighed, his breath making puffs of white air escaping his quivering lips, while looking at the blue expanse of the above them. Another year, another chance.

  
And just when he's about to call everyone and deem this reunion over, he felt Taka's equally freezing hands touched his—their fingers automatically, naturally, interlocking themselves in a tight bond. Startled, but not unwelcome, he glanced down at Taka who met his passive, bored eyes with wide, almond-shaped ones.

  
"Thank you for the last year, Toru-san," he murmured lips chapped and almost blue in the cold, his hair being blown into all directions, his face dark with the flush on it—but Toru has never seen him as _attractive_ as ever, well, except for the times that he's skillfully belting out high notes coz gah, that's still the best—, "Please take care of me too this year, Toru-san!"

  
Toru stared at him for a bit longer, and for a moment, he really considered kissing those parched lips, all the people around them be damned, because his hearts is back one expanding like a fucking balloon just by hearing those words, just by seeing Taka's peaceful, genuinely grateful face but he digressed, and instead, merely squeezed the voclaist's hand into his own.

  
"Same," he nodded, "Please take care of me for this year, too..."

  
Taka smiled, grinned up at him and at that moment, Toru had believed that somehow, they could be _stronger_ , that they could be together and that they could make it through the year with the special bond they share.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -This is the end of the 2007/Zeitakubyou Era.  
> -Hatsumode is the first shrine visit on the first days of the New Year.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I, sometimes, post art shits in my FB account and you couls always drop by to see them! 
> 
> Any feedbacks wouls be very much appreciated~


	38. Bombs Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fall.
> 
> "This is the end of you and me  
> And I'm never going back  
> Before my broken soul begins  
> To fade to black"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was starting to write the second draft for Reason (it's actually the second one co z the first one is lame and more...highschool-ish as fuck) last year, there were three lines that were clear to me. Those were my goals, and everything that happens between them were just...I dunno... anyways, they are the "You are stalking me!", the second was for Taka and Toru's first time and the last one would be one of Taka's line in the Alex-incident. Huuuh. It took me...what, more than two hundred thousand words to put that second line in the goddamned story.
> 
> So, that being said, welcome to Taka and Toru's "first time"~!
> 
> I made researches about this coz it's hard to say dicks and nd shits when you don't have them. Also, the characters would be damn OOC here. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO: The date of the updates would be...different this time because of my new work schedule. It would be on Wednesday and Saturdays, Philippine Time.

The year 2008 silds in easily, with more live performances and recordings  _for god-knows-how-many_  untitled demos and songs, the band didn't even notice when the days blurred into weeks.

Toru has been busier, the task of composing and leading the bunch of idiots resting on his shoulders. The stress is really showing—dark, sleepless eyes and hollow cheeks—his hair getting longer and _longer_ as weeks passed by, and Taka could not help but to notice how unkempt, how exhausted their leader is looking these past few days.

"They're getting longer, Toru-san," Taka said, his fingers playing with the longer tresses of the guitarist's brown-shaded hair. They're currently in the leader's unit, the guitarist sitting on the floor and busying himself with his MacBook while Taka is sitting on the couch—the one he gave for him on his last birthday—behind Toru-san.

"Maybe you should cut it?" he suggested, not really liking the thought of Toru-san growing his hair, "I mean, won't it suck during live performance? With all the hair clinging to your face or someshit?"

Toru-san looked up from the screen of his laptop and shot him an amused glare, "Is this you trying to boss me around again? You weren't complaining when I'm sweating  _all over you_  when we're doing— _agh_!" he cried, almost hitting his dumb face onto the low table when Taka kicked him on his back. It wasn't really that string but when you have such...chubby limbs like Taka, his feet could have weigh a shit-ton.

" _Gaaah_!!! Don't just say it out loud!" he snapped, frantically looking around because their lead guitarist could have been just  _lurking around_ , spying and listening to them...we'll it might be true! Alex is an alien otaku!

 _...But what does it have to do with the half-American spying on them like a creep? Hmmm_. Taka shrugged, not having any idea at all.

Anyways, Toru-san is quickly looking like an authentic Yankee-kun with that glare and pursing of his mouth, like he's really, really close on just facing him and throttling him to death or something equally painful.

"The fuck?! You could've smashed my face with that!"

"I  _could've_  kicked you in the face by saying that!" he retorted, huffing before he crossed his arms over his chest. He leaned on the back rest of the sofa when the guitarist finally turned his attention to him, "You really should take a break being a perverted bastard, you know, Toru-san?"

Said Toru-san didn't take a break, no, because  _one_ —he's an asshole who loves irritating the shit out of Taka, and  _two_ —because he's a  _perverted bastard through and through_. He,  _instead_ , put his arms over the edge of the couch, leaning up and caging Taka between those thin, stick-like arms that he can easily snap like fucking twigs in a matter of seconds.

Oh, and did he mentioned that  _creepy shit_ going on with Toru-san's lips? It's hard to explain but the guitarist is not smiling, but he's also not scowling—it's just... _there_ —the perfectly sculpted lips formed a thin line while those heavily lidded eyes has something  _mischievous_  dancing on in them.

_What—_

"You're saying  _that_ ," he drawled, and Taka has to stop breathing for a moment because of the  _things_  that deep voice makes him feel, "But weren't you the one who _dragged_ me into the toilet of the live house last night because you had a boner after the performance?"

_Oh my god!_

Taka can feel his face heat up in an alarming rate at that,  _when would Toru-san learn how to control his damn mouth?!_ And when would Taka stop blushing like a _fucking virgin_  whenever the leader is talking about their intimate escapades so casually as if they're just talking about the weather outside?!

"That's just because of adrenaline!"

"Oh yeah?" Toru-san cocked up a brow that made Taka want to knee him on his face, "Maybe you should just ask one of your fans to so it for you, next time huh?"

His voice was that of a joking, but Taka felt like a bucket of ice-cold water has been poured onto his head at that. What the fuck, his mouth was instantly pulled down into a scowl.  _What the hell?_  Does Toru-san think that he would do this—kissing, cuddling and everything in between—with any  _random person_? He might be born to be  _flirtatious as fuck_  but he's not that  _low_!

He would never stoop that low because what he has with their leader is something _stronger_ , something  _deeper_ , something that went  _past_  physical attraction. It was _rooted_  deep,  _forged_  through the years they've been together,  _reinforced_  by their never-ending dreams to conquer Japan, and eventually, play in the Western Music scene. He thought that they are both aware of that, but apparently, he's the only one who's thinking of this...this whatever between him as  _something special._

To hear that...that Toru-san is thinking of _that.._.

Taka felt his throat constrict at that.  _Damn._ If he's still a young teenager, he could blame all these random urge to bawl over to h _ormonal imbalance_  or someshit, but he's already turning 20 this April so he has no excuse. It really  _hurts_...so much that he just wants to run away from here, wallow in self-despair and focus all of his attention into making demos—but  _not without_ kicking the dumb gachapin on his face!

"M-maybe," he said, tilting his head in a challenging manner, and ignoring the faint look of shock and bewilderment that crossed the guitarist's face, "Maybe I should  _really_  do that, Toru-san," he spat.

The room was plunged in a heavy, tensed silence after those words were spoken. Taka can hear the music softly playing from the laptop, the crunch of snow whenever a vehicle or person passed outside. The windows were slightly ajar, letting the cool, winter breeze to flood the room, the scent of snow and Taka's green tea permeating into the air.

It was so damn long that Taka had gradually realized the implications of his words, but that's not what he's concerned of right now. His chest grew  _heavy_ , as he watched the guitarist's face darken, his jaws tightly clenched, as he stared up at him with unreadable eyes.

" _Really_ , Taka?"

 _Two words._  Only two words and Taka is already cringing in fear, his insides feeling like they wanna crawl up to his throat and fucking splash onto the guitarist's face— _eww, eww, what the heck_ —

"You'll really do that?"

 _Oh, for fuck's sake!_  Why is he acting like he's the one who's supposed to be hurting in this?!

"Well, y _ou're the one_  who first suggested that I would just do it with everyone!" he snarkily said.

"But it's just a joke—,"

"Then fucking shove your joke down your throat!" he hissed, pushing the younger teen by his shoulders, and gaining some space for himself to freely fume, "You can't just tell that to me, after all the shits that we did, Toru-san! You thinking that I'm not serious in this?! This... _this_... _whatever_  is between us?!"

Well, maybe he could be clearer with his words but unfortunately, even he,  _himself_ , is not really sure of what they're having right now? Are they  _lovers_?  _Fuck buddies_ —even if they're still not fucking?

But... _but..._

"Oh, now, you think I'm not the serious one?" Toru-san's voice is so  _low,_  so  _cold_ that he flinched just by the sound of it. He didn't dare to look at the guitarist's face, fearing that there would be just disgust and hatred and  _exasperation_  for him—fearing that after all the years he has been a  _colossal pain in the ass_ , Toru-san has _finally_  grown fed up of him.

"Well—,"

" _After all_  the shits we went through," Toru-san started, inching forward withe every word he speaks, eyes gleaming dangerously that reminds Taka of an… _angry green dinosaur._.."After all the times that I came to you, desperate and really, _really_  horny—,"

Taka scoffed at that, "Oh _wow_ , it's nice to know that you just want me around whenever you have a  _boner_ —,"

"—and all the  _intimate moments_  we've shared together," Toru-san said through clenched teeth, making Taka pause his sarcastic remarks, "You're thinking that I'm not the serious one here? How about you and your girls huh—,"

Oh,  _oh! Is this...jealousy I'm hearing right now?_  It is, right?!

Taka didn't know how he ended up having this twisted feeling of  _smugness_ , of  _relief_ , knowing that the leader is...still having these childish possessiveness regarding Takahiro.

"And look!" Toru-san suddenly turned around to grab his  _laptop_ —and for a horrific moment, Taka was about to scramble away, thinking that the guitarist would  _bang_ the MacBook on his head for apparently pissing him off. But seconds ticked by, and Toru-san merely typed into his laptop before facing the screen on Taka's face to reveal a—

Taka's eyes almost rolled out of their sockets when he realized  _what the heck_  the guitarist is currently  _forcing_  him to see—

"Is  _that_..." he licked his suddenly parched lips, feeling that he had just swallowed his tongue because for once, he could not find the right words to express his  _extreme and complete_  bewilderment, "Is that a fucking _tutorial_  on how to have gay sex, Toru-san?!"

"No, it's a tutorial how to get your ass _wrecked_ ," the guitarist deadpanned, and upon seeing Taka's horrified and definitely terrorized look on his face, he decided to just be a...  _less douchebag_  about the matter, "Of course, it's a tutorial! Can't you fucking  _read_?!"

If...if Taka isn't just too petrified at the large, bold letters displayed a few inches away from his very eyes, he would really love to smash the laptop onto its owner's _dumb, sardonic_  face. But yes, his eyes are busy— _traitorously_ —reading every lines, widening at the foreign words, his cheeks, ears, neck— _and probably his entire body_ —burning bright red at the very  _graphic_ , very _realistic_  photos accompanying each step.

"Holy crap, this looks like a  _gay porn_ , Toru-san!" he gasped, looking at the disinterested face of their rhythm guitarist, "You fucking  _pervert_! Why are you even showing me this?!"

"Because I'm serious about this!" he insisted, without making any effort to out the laptop away.

"You're serious about  _gay porn tutorials_?!"

"No, you  _dumb fuck_ ,” Toru-san muttered in exasperation, “Can’t you see this? I wanna have sex with you—,”

Taka felt like he’s been punched in the gut at that sudden declaration, “Wha—,”

“—and I don’t want to have sex with someone I randomly met! I’m serious with this shit!  _You’re the only_  I—I—…” Toru-san’s brows knitted together, confusion flooding on his face as he blinked away from him, “I…”

…

…

Taka felt alt lost. Well, who wouldn’t be when your leader suddenly said that he wants to have sex— _gay sex with you_ —out of the fucking blue. He hadn’t expected that—sure they were exchanging kisses and going at it like rabbits in heat but…to actually have sex? To actually do the de that only a man and a woman can?

_Wow._

That sounds… _scary?_

 _I mean, I’m not a novice in this field_ —Toru-san  _is,_  virgin yet horny as fuck—so Taka knows that he would be putting his dick somewhere inside Toru-san and that idea, even if he had seen it in porns, still frightened the shit out of him. Could he really do it?

Push Toru-san on the sot mattress and position himself between those lean legs, kissing those perfectly sculpted lips— _so fucking perfect that they should be illegal_ —kissing his way down to those defined jaws, neck, his shoulders and collar bones down and down until he can hear their mighty leader  _crumble_  and  _moan_  and then, when he’s ready—or when Taka has deemed him ready enough  _to be fucked_ —he would slid all the way in and feel those walls encase him like the usual stuff he felt when he was with a girl? Can he really do that? See Toru-san came  _undone_ , pushing and pushing, hearing those ddep growls, almost whines from those sinful lips as he called Taka’s name over and  _over and over_ again and— _and_ —

He looked down at the tenting on his crotch.

_Oh._

Apparently,  _he can_ , because, would you look at that—

“You’re having a boner,” the rhythm guitarist smartly said,  _genius with his observational skills as usual_ , as he looked down on the obvious bulge on his pants.

What. The. Actual.  _Fuck._

And oh,  _look at that_ , the laptop is still almost touching his face, an advertisement about performance-enhancing stuffs popped on the screen.

“…Is…” he swallowed hard, “Is this some kind of torture, Toru-san? Because if it is, then you’re really doing a  _very good job_ on—,”

“Arousing you?” came the husky reply, and Taka’s wide almond-shaped eyes met hazy, hungry heavily-lidded ones. He knows that look—the look of pure lust and want and desire whenever Toru-san is being his _perverted-self_.

Taka scrunched up his nose, the images of a wanton, Toru-san spread out beneath him flashing through his mind like a damn _movie_ —making his pants get tighter and tighter, the discomfort it brought almost bordering to pain, “ _Maa_ …I was about to say _“annoying me”_ but…”

He glanced down at the pleading look on the rhythm guitarist’s face. He had totally forgotten how did they even ended up in this conversation—how  _hurt_  he was when Toru-san jokingly suggested that he could just sleep with other people. He had forgotten how the guitarist proves his point by showing him a tutorial  _(and an explicit ad)_  just a few moments ago because at that very moment, the only thing that mattered was Toru-san’s close proximity, his scent, his hair tickling Taka’s cheeks as he leaned up—for that moment, all that matters were  _Toru-san_  alone— _him and only him._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Toru couldn’t really remember how they managed to get into his room. He can’t even remember how they  _practically_  ripped each other clothes from their bodies, the need to be  _closer_  and more intimate surging through their veins as they stumbled their way into his room. He pushed Taka down—a  _very willing, very flustered and very aroused Takahiro_ —down on his bed, the older teen bouncing with a soft  _“ooff!”_  as he ungracefully landed on his back.

Toru was not left too much behind—he instantly went on all fours, caging the man within his arms as he crawled—stalked like a fucking  _predator_ — _or at least those men he saw in porn films_ —towards the vocalist.

Taka looks so soft and cuddly and Toru would bet a  _thousand yen_  that he would look  _even better_  without that hideous sweater. He smirked at that thought, which, apparently didn’t escaped the older teen’s hawk-like eyes.

“W-what the fuck are you smirking at?!” he snapped.

Toru fought the urge to grin, before he yanked the hem of the man’s sweater and attempted to pull it off. Emphasis on the word  _attempt_  because Taka struggled, and the buttons were done—making the vocalist gasping for air with his shirt stuck on his chin like a fucking  _inverted_  veil—a thick and fucking smothering wedding veil—

“AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Toru burst into cackling fits as he watched Taka struggling to pull the damn sweater off his head. He can’t help it, Taka looks so cute and adorable and he couldn’t let this chance to pass by.

"Goddammit, ahh!" Taka screeched and after a few moments of having a violent fight with the shirt, and a shit ton of cusses that could make the pope weep for days, Toru finally— _with a heavy heart, I tell you_ —took pity on him.

"Easy," he calmly said as his fingers worked to undo the buttons, "Calm down so I can finally  _strip_  you."

It took no more than a minute before Taka was freed from the damn confines of the shirt. He gasped, eyes blown and cheeks burning crimson as he stared at Toru's smiling face. He sure looks ready to kill someone— _barehanded_ —huh? And for some reason, Toru have this instinct that he's that certain  _someone_.

So, imagine his surprise when Taka just stared up at him, hair strewn to all direction, fanning on the sheets as his now bare chest heave up and down in exertion.

He cocked his head on his side at that unusual reaction from the usually screaming vocalist, "What..?"

" _Stripping_  me, Toru-san?" Taka said, his voice barely above a whisper, "You really are a damned pervert. I bet your Dad would disown you if he knows how perverted their precious Toru is—,"

Heh.

He smirked at that, before standing up on his knees as he pulled his sweater off his head with so much grace and coolness that make Taka openly gawk at him. He tossed the clothes behind him, even if Taka would surely tear his ear off with a lot of scolding about  _"cleanliness is next to godliness"_  or someshit that he usually preaches whenever he saw Toru making a mess.

In his own unit.

As if the vocalist fucking  _owned it._

Huh. Said vocalist is now propping himself on his elbows, his eyes raking on Toru's bare upper half. It's not the first time they saw each other half-naked, heck, they usually do that after each live—wanting to get out of their sweaty clothes—performance; but it's different right now. _They_  are different now.

Like, for  _example_ , Taka is not usually staring at him with wide eyes as if he's seeing a fantastic piece of art in a museum. Toru felt the corner of his mouth curled up at that.  _Well, would you look at that, here's our vocalist practically drooling over me._

"Uhm..." Taka said, no, mumbled, eyes sliding up to meet Toru's glinting one, "You really should go eat more food, Toru-san, you're so skinny!"

"No, Taka, you're just too fat— _mppphhh!!!_ " he could not even finish that statement because the older teen has already rolled them together and smothered Toru with his own pillow, " _Mppphh_?!"

He couldn't  _breathe_ , couldn't  _see_  but he could feel Taka straddling him and pushing the damn pillow onto his face, with every _intent to fucking kill_  him by suffocation.

"Mphhh?!!!"

Dying  _half naked and with a raging hard on_ is not on his list so he struggled and pushed the vocalist away, rolling them—wow, look at that, the bed suddenly grew wider to accommodate two idiots rolling around—

"Gah!" he gasped, " Do you want to kill me?!"

"That's what you get for laughing at me earlier!" Taka moodily retorted, eyes glaring shits out of him, " And for saying that I'm fat! Why are we even doing these shits?! Aren’t we supposed to be making out here?!"

He snorted, "Now, who's the pervert—,"

"One more word, Toru-san and you'll have your balls  _scrambled_  like fuck."

Toru's gaze snapped at the vocalist beneath him. Well, judging by the look of pure annoyance on the older's face, he must be really serious on kicking/kneeing his balls into pieces, so Toru just...sighed, staring at the flustered face of Takahiro.

It was silent for a moment, both of them panting, the air between them moist and warm—fanning on each other's cheeks. Toru can feel the heat radiating from the bare body below him, the soft, _soft_ , baby-like skin moving below him in a yearning manner. And that's when he realized that, yes,  _here they are_ —almost naked, bodies pressed chest to chest, both of them lost in their respective eyes—gauging, testing, _looking_  for any sign of hesitance.

But there were  _none_ , at least in Toru's side because  _god knows_  how much he had wanted this. Ever since he discovered his feelings for the vocalist, he had dreamt of fucking Taka into oblivion, strip him naked and flustered and... _and.._.

"This is ridiculous," Taka huffed, his finger fiddling with his porcupine-like hair before they went up, catching the ends of Toru's longer tresses and playing it between the pads of his fingers, "We're just gonna make out and we almost  _killed_  each other."

"Maybe because we're  _dying_  to get into each other's pants?" he tried, as he nudged the vocalist's legs apart and sat himself there. Taka didn't seem to mind it because he's too...busy playing with his hair. What the fuck?

"Are we gonna do this or you'll gonna play with my hair  _forever_?!"

Taka looked up at him in disbelief, "Well, promise me first that you're gonna cut it first thing in the morning!"

Toru didn't answer. He had reached his limit. His balls are  _aching_  and if Taka won’t stop getting distracted by small, petty things, then Toru would just have to pull his pants down and go straight to the  _fucking_.

"Well, you're such a simple-minded fucker, Toru-san," Taka squirmed under his intense gaze, "You can't think using two  _heads_ , huh?"

 _More_  stares.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Taka yielded, throwing his hands over his shoulder as he pulled him down, "Just kiss me already, dammi— _mmhhh_ ,"

Toru swooped down, capturing those lips in an aggressive lip-lock—hands wandering roaming, touching and feeling the contours and curves of Taka's body.  _Loving_  how Taka would arch and let out small noises with every movement of Toru's lips, his fingers trailing on Taka's sides. He wondered on when did they started to expertly kiss each other—mouths perfectly _fitting_ , like a puzzle made to be together. Hands  _knowing_  where to  _touch,_  where to _press_  and where to squeeze when they were fumbling and stumbling like idiots on the first time they tried it.

Maybe...

 _Maybe this is all Alex-senpai's fault_ , Toru thought as he yanked Taka's head to a side, his mouth instantly latching on the exposed flesh, teeth biting and sucking at the tender skin. If he hadn't told him about those feelings, if he didn’t urge him to pursue it...then.. _.then..._

"I...I..." he started, pulling away and almost chuckling when Taka impatiently chased his lips, his upper body almost lifting itself from the bed, "You're  _important_  to me, Taka," his voice cracked, effectively gathering the vocalist's attention. He reveled at that gazes, those eyes trained solely at him, "So don't...don't do this with _anyone else_ , okay? Okay?"

Taka didn't answer, and the seconds stretched to a full minute, making Toru realized what he just had said. He was asking for  _exclusivity_. He was asking for a _commitment_ ; he was asking for _reassurance_.

Reassurance that Taka would only be the band's— _his_ —vocalist.

Reassurance that no matter how much friends he gained along the way, he would still go back at Toru as his most important one.

Reassurance that even if he gives away _cheap kisses and casual hugs_ , he would only show this side of him— _flustered, flushed, eyes glazed and lips parted open_ —to Toru alone.

But Taka, the fucking bastard, didn't answered. He didn't say anything, and instead, just smiled up at him with such warm smile that makes Toru's eyes prickle with tears.

 Whether it's because Taka didn't give him a definite answer or because Taka is smiling at him like that— _warm and soft, and caring and tender_ —Toru didn't know. It hurts, his chest suddenly constricts at those thoughts but he deiced to shoo them away by leaning towards the vocalist's waiting arms, kissing and kissing and kissing until their lips were both swollen. They touched,  _give and take_  pleasures to and from each other, Taka moaning out so loud that Toru has to put a hand over his damn mouth, his other hand doing wonders on both of their now-naked dicks between them.

" _Mpgggh—ngggh_!" Taka muttered behind his fingers, eyes squishing shut as Toru applied just the right pressure, his hand covered with liquid that slicked its every movement.

"Wouldn't..." he panted, resting his sweaty forehead on Taka's ones, as he relishes on the way the vocalist's hips bucked beneath him, creating the necessary friction and sending shivers of delight down to his spine. He knows that Taka would strangle him after trying to muffle him with a hand later. "...want the neighbors to...to... _mou,_ just fucking shut up?!"

But Taka’s scent, Toru focused on the feel of the older’s winter-dry skin under his fingertips, the comforting warmth of Taka’s spicy breath on his fingers, and convinces himself one more time that Taka’s real, that this is real. Then he breathes out, letting his fluttering heart thump against his ribcage for a moment as Taka glared up at him. That obviously riled up the vocalist, shaking Toru's hand off his mouth to spit profanities at him.

"T-then," he lisped, "Fucking shut me up!"

Oh my god, that was the  _lamest_  shit he has ever heard from the vocalist since they started humping like bunnies a few minutes ago and Toru would really,  _really_ love to tell that out loud, but hey, a horny Taka is also somewhat a  _violently aggressive_  Taka. And Toru doesn't want to get his face smacked into pieces just because he stopped kissing this tyrant bastard just to say that stuff.

The air around them grew warmer,  _hotter and stifling_  as they really go at it. Moans and soft grunts can be heard, along with the drone of the heater in the corner of the room. It was raining snow outside, rendering everything white and pale and cold on its wake but the two can no longer feel it as they basked in each other’s warm, _warm_  embrace.

“Taka…” Toru mumbled afterwards, panting and sliding a few kisses on the vocalist’s cheeks—he had decided that he has waited long enough, suffered enough to touch and claim this bastard—, “Are you sure about this…? How do I know that you’re sure about… _this_...?”

Taka didn’t even have to open his mouth to express his response. He just lay there, hips surging forward and rubbing his slicked-hard on on Toru’s own.

_Oh._

Okay.

_He sure is ready huh?_

Now Toru felt even more  _foolish_  to even ask about that.

“H-how about you?” Taka said, his brows knitting in confusion or worry or just _genuine impatience_ because they stopped all the actions to have this…shitty conversation about preparedness and consensus about fucking, “Are you ready, Toru-san?”

Toru felt at lost with that.  _Am I ready?_

Is Taka really asking if he’s ready to plunder his ass into oblivion when it’s obvious—painfully obvious,  _just look at my fucking balls,_   _it looks like it’s about to explode now for all the times someone/something has cock-blocked me_ —that he wants nothing to get closer to the vocalist, thrust into him, feel him all around him until they  _blurred into one_ —until it’s all Taka that he can  _think_ of,  _feel_  of. Until everything blurs into _monochrome_ , until his eyes could only focus on the feverish blush on the vocalist’s face, his heavenly mouth _mumbling and whimpering_  his name as he takes him over and over again. Is Taka really asking him that? When it’s glaringly obvious that he is, right from the start of this silly affair?

Toru was so impatient, and bit dazed, to really ponder about the implications of that question from the vocalist, so he just merely nodded, “Of course, I am—,”

And realized that he had  _royally_ fucked up something somewhere along the line, when Taka nodded in satisfaction before he _flipped both of them over_ —Toru landing on the sheets, his hair lying everywhere at the impact. His eyes then went wide when Taka kneeled between his thighs and—without any notice— _spreads his legs wide open._

“Hoy  _fu_ —,” his heart jumped out of his ribcage as his hands grabbed Taka’s softer ones, preventing him from doing...whatever he’s planning to do because—

“ _Matte, matte, matte_!” he said in horror, making the vocalist looked down at him in impatience, but damn if Toru cares!

“What?!” Taka snapped, hips bucking into his ass and Toru’s spine almost arched up in bed as he tried to get away from that very  _hard_ , very  _stiff_  erection sliding across his bare hips, “You said you’re ready, Toru-san! A _man doesn’t_  go back on his words!”

“I know that!” he retorted, crawling backwards to escape the vocalist’s hands which were gripping his legs in a not-so gentle fashion, “But I think we’re having a _misunderstanding_  here!”

“What—!” Taka growled as he grabbed his ankle and yanked him back towards his waiting dick, “—is there to understand?! I’m just gonna  _shove my dick into you_ , haven’t you seen it in your porns?!”

 _Holy crap_ —Toru wants to vomit, to vanish or just, preferably, die because of the ridiculousness of their situation. Of all the times they would be having a _misinterpretation_  of shits, does it really have to be now? When they’re both _practically naked and impatient_  because of their boners?!

“I’ve seen it!” Toru said through clenched teeth, prying the feminine hands off his skin, “God knows how many times I’ve seen it, thinking how good it will feel  _when I fuck you_!”

…

…

…

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Taka’s eyes popped open at that. What, did he heard that right? Toru-san wants to…Toru-san has been thinking of…

_Fucking me?_

Like  _put his dick in my ass?_

Seriously?!

“O-oh…”

The pure of much  _terror and horror_ probably showed on his face because Toru-san immediately stopped his violent struggling— _now that I’m thinking of it, it’s probably the reason why he’s so adamant on pushing me away when he’s the hornier of the two of them—_ to stare at him with half-appalled, half-worried eyes.

Taka wanted to burst out laughing at that. He must be joking, right?

Toru-san must be joking to think that Taka would allow him…and his dick… _anywhere near his_ …ass…

But Toru-san looked so seriously aghast.

_What the fuck?!_

He’s batshit serious?!

“No,  _no, no_!” he said, pulling and scrambling away like he’s been scalded with burning hot water. He was so busy scampering the fuck off that he didn’t notice that he’s on the edge of the bed—

“Gah!” he screeched, landing on his back onto the cold, hard floor, his legs still sprawled over the bed. Toru-san was immediately on his knees and arms, peering down at him with equally horrified eyes.

“What the hell—are you alright?!”

Taka wanted to say that,  _Do I look like I’m fucking alright, I just almost smashed my head onto your evil floor_  but he’s too lost in his thoughts to actually said that, instead, a shit-ton of incoherent babbles escaped his petrified lips.

“ _Gaaah—ahh—no_!”

“No?”

_I can’t—_

He might be a newly-realized bisexual but to actually allow something— _Toru-san’s dick_ \--into the deepest part of him like a…like a girl is…is…

He started to heave, still lying on his back because for some reason Toru-san decided to just dumbly stare down at him instead of,  _I don’t know,_  helping him up or just having the common courteousness of flinging a sheet on his very naked body.

_I can’t—_

_I’m not a girl!_

But—but Toru-san is…

He likes Toru-san, trusts Toru-san even _more than to himself_. Heck, he would believe Toru-san’s words more than his own, and he would  _blindly_  follow their leader even to the depths of hell but…but just imagining himself… _taking it…_

_In the ass…_

More heaving.

His vision went blurry with tears as cold sweat prickled on every pore of his body.

No, no,  _I can’t—_

“I…I can’t—,” he croaked out, eyes stinging from tears.  _Shock, confusion, realization then hurt_ —all of those expressions flashed across the guitarist’s ace before it was masked down by his usual indifference. Taka would want to comment how expressive the bastard’s face is at the moment, but dammit, how can he even formulate a joke when he’s almost bawling in panic and irrational fear, right now?!

To trust Toru-san is  _one thing._

To make out and do other intimate stuffs with Toru-san, Taka can handle— _cherish even._

But to surrender his everything— _everything that makes him a man and spread his legs for someone_ —even if for the devilishly handsome mighty leader of ONE OK ROCK?

Jesus fucking Christ—

“I can’t do this  _anymore_ , Toru-san,” his voice cracked as he finally straightens up, his legs flopping helplessly on the floor as he scanned the room for his clothes. Gone was the warm, warm atmosphere earlier. _Gone_  were the silence—where he could hear nothing but Toru-san’s breaths, his panting, his mumbles and groans, the thick, deep voice saying stupid words, the aggressive  _thump! thump!_ of his heart against his warm, sturdy chest.

_Gone._

They were all replaced with this…this eerie silence, as Taka crawled towards his clothes and fumbled to wear them. He can feel Toru-san’s confused stares following him around, but he couldn’t pull the courage to look back, to stare at him head on because…because…

“I’m sorry…” he mumbled, fiddling with the hem of his ruined sweater, “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Toru-san…”

There were the sound of rustling sheets, before the leader’s gruff voice reached his ears, “…what  _this_..?”

_Oh you, dumb fuck!_

“I…I…” Taka has to swallowed—hard—his fingers dinging into his palms as he closed his hands into fists, “I don’t want to be down there, Toru-san. I’m not a  _girl_!”

“Well,” Toru-san snorted, eyeing the direction of his crotch, “ _Obviously_ —,”

Taka felt his cheeks heat up at that.

“—so what are you throwing a fuss for, Taka?” the guitarist asked with a low, rough voice—full of confusion and worry and betrayal, “We’ve been doing this… _this_ for months already! And I didn’t hear you complaining about it so what’s different this time? Tell me…I…”

“Well, for starters, why don’t we try shoving a dick into your ass, huh?!”

Oh god, Taka just wished that he didn’t sounded like a shrilly, humiliated girl at that. But hey, he must’ve hit a spot because Toru-san is looking pale and shits right now—

“That’s it?!” he hollered, making Taka flinched, “You want to…to end whatever this is between us just because you can’t have sex with me? Goddammit, Taka,  _I could fucking wait_ —if you’re not ready then I could—,”

Oh you dumb,  _dumb_ , gachapin.

“But I would  _never_  be ready, Toru-san.”

The guitarist's jaws hanged open at that. He must have not expected that, well, in his case, _Taka_ also didn't see this coming. Maybe...maybe he could do the charades, kiss and make out with Toru-san but this...  
And the shit he asked earlier, when Taka was almost ready to say something like _"Of course, baka, I would only do this shits with you,"_ but then, Toru-san looked like he was about to cry so Taka wisely shut his mouth up.

  
Now he _understands_ why the guitarist is asking that. He wants more, the _greedy bastard_. He wants everything, and Taka would be the biggest _hypocrite_ in the world to say that he would not be willing to give it all.

  
All _but_ this.

  
He's a _man_.

  
Who _loves_ kissing and being kissed by Toru-san.

  
By _another_ man.

  
He's a...a...

  
_Great. Now, I'm fucking confused again. What am I?! Who am I?!_

  
"B-but," he inwardly winced when the leader's voice grew rougher, even more than before, "But you told me earlier that you're ready, right? Was that...were those...just _lies_..?"

  
_Was every thing that happened between us has been just a lie?_

  
That question, despite being left unsaid, hung heavily in the air. Taka's heart, and every fiber of his being that _aches_ to just...pad towards the guitarist, hug him and tell him that it's not a lie, none of it has been a lie.

The smiles, the glances, the grins and laughters—the tears, the cries and sobbings—the cuddlings, their interlaced fingers, the bumping of their shoulders while walking, Taka leaning to their leader while sleeping in the studio, in the van, in the rooms of the live houses—all of those small yet sweet, sacred moments were not lies. _Never_.

  
But...but there's still this _obstinate_ part of him that doesn't want to _yield_ , doesn't want to be _tamed_ , doesn't want to fucking _surrender_ —and because Taka is a complete, horrible idiot, he followed it, obeyed it and stayed rooted on his spot, a few feet away from the slumped form of their leader.

  
"If...If this is because of earlier then, then I will—,"

  
Taka can't believe that he's gonna say the most cliche break up line ever but... _damn it, I'm still gonna say it right?! Even if we're not breaking up coz we're really not in a relationship??_

  
"I-It's," he stuttered, obviously nervous as fuck, "It's not you, Toru-san. It's...it's me..?" he winced, his eyes finally raking on the guitarist's face. It was pale, _ashen_ , jaws clenched tight as he glared on his sweat pants.

  
Wait.

  
When did he even put on his pants?!

  
"Oh..." Toru-san put his hands on his lap, the fingers interlaced tightly, probably to prevent themselves from showing how awfully shaking they were, "I _see_..."

  
You see _what_?

  
Taka felt dread creeping into him at thay cold tone. Is this the moment that Toru-san would kick him out of the band? Taka can feel his ribcage shrinking, and his lungs are swelling against them, trying to stretch them back out enough so that he can breathe. They _aren't_ succeeding.

  
Taka watches him, unable to look away, and sees the telltale signs of the younger teen doing battle with himself. Like he wants to say something against it, like he wants to make Taka retract that statement—like he wants to keep Taka around, to keep this... _this silly affair going._

  
“It's because you’re afraid, right?” Toru-san asks, finally, looking up, and it’s not an accusation. His face is wet with the tears he’s trying and failing not to shed, and his lips tremble and Taka had never felt so _guilty_  ever before.

  
He wants to take back those words but...the guitarist's question is not an accusation, but it feels like one anyway. And Taka felt the urge to _retaliate_ , fight _back_ before he _flees_ the fuck away because that's what he usually do when he encounters this kind of shits.

  
“Yes!” Takahiro snapped, “I’m _scared_. I can’t— You knew from the beginning, how shitty, how scared, how confused I am with this! I'm new to this and I...”

  
“Don't you think that I know that?!” Toru-san hissed, fiercely, but then he shrinks again. “I'm also new to this but I'm really trying to make this work?! But you just..." Toru-san shook his head in exhaustion, in exasperation, "Anyways, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't because of something I did, did I _forced_ you? Am I moving too _fast_? _Expecting_ too much?" tears spring out of his eyes at the desperate voice of their leader, "If I could change—”

  
“Nothing about you needs to change, Toru-san,” Taka said, vehemently shaking his head in disapproval, “B-but we can’t do this anymore. I'm scared...I don't want this...don't take this away from me—,"

  
"So, it will end like this huh."

  
The response was too _abrupt_ , too _calm_ that Taka almost jumped on his feet. Toru-san looks livid, like he can kill the next person he sees, but...but he also looks tired...hurt... _betrayed_...

  
“Okay,” Toru-san finally said, and it’s so quiet Taka barely hears it over the sound of his own heartbeat, “I _understand_.”

  
“R-really?” he asked, _helplessly_ , because he isn’t sure he understands himself how he can do this. How he can look at Toru-san after this, while not thinking of all the memories their shared and how Taka fucked everything for them?

  
“Of course, not!” Toru-san wiped at his face, and _oh God, he’s crying?! Really crying?!—_ to think that he could render the strongest man he ever knows sniveling like this, just...just how awful he is?!

  
"How can I, when the thing I want _most_ is to make the band successful with you and kiss you for the rest of my life?!” He hiccuped, and Takahiro wants nothing but to reach out and cup his cheek, then kiss the soft, dark skin under his eyes. “But I know… I always knew that soemthing would happen, that someone could...could tear us apart! That you wouldn’t want…”

  
This time, it’s a sob that cuts him off, and Taka's sure something about the sound is reaching right into his chest and turning his heart to dust. It was the most _heart-wrenching_ sound he had ever heard.

  
“I know that you have a shit tons of dreams, shit ton of people you'd want to meet and maybe I'm not included in all of those, but I really...when you said that you were not disgusted with me...with us back in Meguro...I thought that... _that_..." red-eyed, tear wet-faced Toru-san helplessly stared up at him with so much resignation that makes Taka's breath hitched, "I thought that there'a a chance..."

  
"There is—,"

  
"But I'm a fool, an _idiot_ to actually believe that. I guessed that I could only have one thing at a time, ne?" Toru-san said, more to himself, rather than to Taka.

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
That was the last words he had ever pulled out from the guitarist because the next thing he knew, he was already outside the unit, facing the silent, closed door and hearing the sounds of violent smashing beyond it.

  
He had _done_ it.

  
_Really_ , this time.

  
He wonders what went wrong. They were just lazing around earlier, Taka playing with Toru-san's hair—a completely normal day off for the both of them. Those memories seemd like a _lifetime_ away now.

  
He's now empty, the only person that fills him with so much kindness, so much understanding, so much support, so much warmth, so much  _life_ is now _gone_ —pushed aside just because Taka is still trting to defend his...crumbling _manliness_. Still clinging to that _stereotype_ that he was the one who's supposed to do the fucking and _not the other way around._

  
He wonders how would he face Toru-san tomorrow. In front of everyone.

  
_Alex would definitely notice that something's going on..._

  
Taka was so numb, so confused and so exhausted. He didn't know how he made it back home— _the unit bare and dark and cold and lifeless, holding so much memories of him and Toru-san romping like hell at every chance they get—_ how he made it to his bed.

  
Taka was just there, dumping his head onto his pillow and muffling the sobs, the tears, the cries and apologies being screamed out by his quivering lips.

  
He was feeling down and lonely as fuck, but this time, there would be _no_ Toru-san to comfort, to soothe, to make him feel _loved and special anymore._

  
He was all alone.

  
...

  
...

  
...

 

For the first time in his life as a band man, Taka had never _dreaded_ going into the studio, meeting everyone and making songs.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

  
This is just how I am from the start, right?

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you disappointed? Coz I raise the hype too much and it all just ended with this? I am lolololol this took so fucking long and I don't even know what's happening anymore?! 
> 
> Please tell me what you think of this chapter. I would gladly welcome them with open arms, especially now that I seemed to have forgotten how to write--again.
> 
> Thanks for reading~!


	39. KASABUTA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's thoughts.
> 
> "Placing the blame on old scabs  
> They return itching with pain  
> Is this us getting used to the hurt?  
> It’s not enough  
> It's not enough"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be a short update~!
> 
> Also, Koneko-chan made a fanart-AGAIN-for the 10th chepter of HTMHF. It's so damn great! Thank you so, so much! You can check it out in her VK account. Here's the link: https://vk.com/feed?w=wall-97349547_20475
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Toru-san is _so quiet_ the next time they met together in the studio. Well, he’s always the quietest of them all, but now, Taka can feel this…dark, scary _“come to me and you’re dead”_ aura emanating from their leader. He wanted to apologize _, first thing in the morning_ , but just seeing the dark rings under the man’s eyes, just hearing his deep breaths, and just being…almost _ignored_ when he walked down the studio…

_I can’t do it…_

Taka mournfully shook his head as he tried to listen to the demos one more time. They were supposed to do this in his house, or in Toru-san’s unit but how can they do that—go to the places that holds so much fun memories for them?

_Besides…what’s there to apologize for, anyway?_

The day went through like that, with Toru-san talking to him just because it’s _necessary_. He didn’t even make any remark when Taka stole his meat but, no, no reaction at all. The rhythm guitarist just _shrugged_ , pulled out his pack of cigarettes and excused himself to smoke outside.

Even if it’s _dead freezing_ out there.

Tomoya commented that he must have pissed the guitarist off gravely this time, hence why Toru-san is grumpy as hell today. It’s true, but it doesn’t help his case so he just jumped onto the drummer to unleash all of his restrained energy.

“Ah, _matte, matte!_ ” Tomoya pleaded as he rounded the coffee table, “What did I do now?!”

“You annoy me, that’s all!” Taka said as he circled the table, with every intent to catch the drummer and make him pay for his words—no matter how true they are.

“ _Abunai yo~_!” Ryota chided as he stood in the corner, safe from everything and everyone as he peacefully munched on his meat bun, “You’re gonna destroy the table and Gocchan wouldn’t like that, you know?”

“Forget about Gocchan,” Alex dramatically waved his hand in the air, “Toru would be pissed off seeing you all like little kids.”

Taka, in the heat of the moment, glared at the lead guitarist who’s casually lounging on the long couch, “Who the _fuck_ cares about Toru-san?!” he snapped, ignoring how everyone’s face paled in horror, their eyes all set behind Taka and that’s when he realized that—

“ _Right_ ,” was the gruff voice of Toru-san behind him. It sounds so raw, so bitter and full of angst that it makes Taka inwardly winced in _shame_ _and guilt_ , “Who the fuck cares about _me_?”

—he had _royally_ fucked up one more time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Days went by with that setup. Toru would laugh at everyone’s silly antics, work hard as a leader and would study guitar lessons from Alex-senpai like he usually does when everyone is around. But when there’s only the two of them, that smile—the smile so wide it’s _almost painful_ to watch him pretend that everything is alright—would fall into a deep frown, and even before Taka could say something—anything—the rhythm guitarist is already zipping up his guitar into its case and hurrying out of the studio.

Taka would longingly stare at the man’s back, wondering on what is he doing here—rooted on his spot, his hands shaking— _aching_ —to just go and run after him, tell him how he misses him and how much he _oh-so_ wanted him back to his life.

He wanted _his_ Toru-san back…

But he’s a _prideful_ idiot. A _coward_.

And once more, he stared at his sneakers, wondering on what dinner would he make for himself— _because Toru-san wouldn’t drop by into my unit anymore_ —for another sleepless night.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It doesn’t have to take a _genius_ to realize that there’s something wrong between the leader and the vocalist. Tomoya might be an idiot but when it comes to these things, he can be perceptive as hell. Well, he had witnessed the two fight and make up in the past few months they were together so it’s easy to notice the small, almost _subtle_ changes between the Toruge and Takahiro.

For example…

Toru would smile, _which is creepy_ , and laugh at Ryota and his shits in the studio— _which is weird, I’m telling you! It’s like he’s planning to do something evil to us!_ —even if it’s not really funny? He looks so alive, so _bouncy_ and hyper around them but there’s this one time that he saw the guitarist smoking outside—his eyes looking more dead than usual. He’s looking from afar, smoke and his puffs of breath billowing around him like a white mist. He looks so sad, so solemn—like he’s _mourning_ for something—and most of all, he looks so _tired_. That time, Tomoya decided that Toru doesn’t belong in that cold sidewalk. He doesn’t belong there, among other people, shaking under the winter air.

He belongs down in the studio, sitting on the floor, spending his break time by strumming his guitar, his shoulders bumping into Takahiro’s, as the vocalist laughed and sang beside him.

_Speaking of Takahiro…_

He was so quiet at the rehearsals that it’s impossible to ignore. He’s extra snappy too, always finding ways to torture him even if he’s just standing somewhere in the corner. Tomoya remembered the time when Taka and Toru went into an argument that lasted for days—him staying in the vocalist’s unit just for the heck of it. And now that Taka is sporting that kicked, _abandoned puppy-_ look again, he might as well go into his unit later…

He’s still older than him, and even if Taka loves pouncing on him like a hyperactive, murderous boy, he would always come back to him.

_It’s what older brother do, right?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Ryota fidgeted on his spot on the corner of the studio. His guitar is heavy on his shoulders but he couldn’t find the courage to move away because he’s scared…worried… _confused…_

It’s the third day that Mori-chan and Toru-nii started acting strangely towards each other. Gone were the genuine laughter, gone were the incessant bantering, gone were the small smiles and glances of understanding that they casually throw at each other. Instead, they were all replaced by _forced_ chuckles, _polite_ words of acknowledgement and _curt_ nods whenever they happened to meet each other’s eyes.

Ryota wonders what happened between the two. They were alright— _more than alright actually_ —just a few days ago when they started making demos for their upcoming album—then, all of a sudden, they became cold as ice towards each other.

_Mou…this is so frustrating…_

It is, because even if it’s glaringly obvious that the two were hurting, exhausted and looking more and more grumpy as days passed by, Ryota can’t do anything in fear of just…making it worse.

_I don’t want this atmosphere…_ Ryota pouted, looking down on his bass guitar as if it holds all the answer to all of his questions… _Just when I’m starting to really enjoy the band life…I hope they make up soon! I want to have dinner in Mori-chan’s unit with all of us acting like we all used to be!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Okay,” Alex harshly said as he cornered Toru outside the nearest convenience store from their studio. It’s almost midnight and the air is freezing but he couldn’t give a damn because there’s more important matter to attend to, “Spill it, Toru. What the hell happened this time?”

His _kouhai_ gruffly looked up at him, eyes deep and surrounded by dark circles. He looked weak, tired, fed up, and for a moment, Alex wanted to slap himself for spitting out those words in a threatening manner. _I mean, just look at Toru’s face!_ He looks like a fucking corpse! A corpse wrapped in thick jackets and scarf! If it wasn’t for the puffs of warm air escaping his scarf, Alex would not even realize that this kid is still breathing— _still living!_

“What do you mean, Alex-senpai?” came the younger guitarist’s attempt on acting ignorant, “You called me out earlier than the call time just to ask me that? Seriously?”

Alex gasped at that.

“ _Whoa, whoa, whoa_ ,” he said, leaning away from the… _homicidal_ -looking boy, “Calm down. I just want to know what happened between you and Mori-chan? Is it trouble in paradise?”

Toru gave him a long, blank stare.

_Jesus Christ, can someone calm this fucking kid down?!_ Where’s Mori-chan when you need him the most, huh?! Then a realization hits him, oh, right. Toru is feeling cantankerous today—and all the other days before—because something definitely happened between him and the vocalist.

“Why would you even want to know, Alex-senpai?”

“ _Ma_ a, I’m just worried that—,”

“—since when did you even became my _father,_ huh?” Toru asked, eyes challenging—pure stupidity swimming in those large orbs that make Alex’s eyes twitched in annoyance.

“—I don’t need to be your father to notice things, Toru,” he gritted out, hands diving inside the pockets of his pants to keep them warm, “You’re affecting the band dynamics, and I ought to say something because—,”

“—you’re my _senpai_?”

“—I’m your _friend_ ,” he quietly said, watching as Toru’s mouth opened, before closing again—like he’s running out of venoms to spit at him. He knows this side of Toru—the brash, harsh, cold one that takes no reason, takes no explanation. He had seen it, when the younger was so confused with his blooming feelings for the vocalist. He was there to see Toru crashed, to see him broke down just because he’s _scared and in denial_ ; he was there when the kiss happened (Well, not physically, but hey, _I offered my moral support then!_ ); he was there in every high and low of their vague relationship.

And to see those two idiots slowly _crushing_ , slowly _destroying_ their band because of their personal problems…

A long moment of silence stretched between them, and when he realized that Toru would rather glare at the ground rather than to respond to him, he deiced that maybe…just maybe, he’ll let this bastard off. For _now._

“Look,” he finally conceded, “I won’t force you to tell me but for god’s sake, do something about it. Maybe you’re thinking that you could hide it, that you could pretend that nothing is wrong but hey, Toru, surprise, surprise!” he grimaced, “we can still _see_ it, we can still _feel_ it no matter how much you hide it. Your shits are affecting us, and do I need to tell you again that you’re our—,”

“ _Leader_ ,” Toru spat those words with so much resentment that even Alex has to wince in pain, “Yeah. How can I forgot that you all nominated me for something I don’t even want?”

Oh. The kid sure is in a bad mood huh.

“Are you really saying that, Toru?” he asked in disbelief, “Are you saying that you don’t want to be our leader anymore? What’s next, you’re gonna abandon the band just because of a _petty_ argument with Mori—,”

“It’s not petty!” the younger snapped, voice raising a few octaves. It took a few moments before he finally realized that yes, he had just shouted at his senpai, and that they’re now gathering the attention of the salary men exiting the kombini. “I mean—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you, Alex-senpai, _even if you totally deserve it_ —,”

“Why, you fucking kid—,”

“—but you can’t just call it petty, okay?” the desperation lacing his voice makes the lead guitarist paused and watch the inner turmoil of Toru. He’s frowning, mouth twitching and Alex doesn’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that the leader is probably debating whether he would tell his shits out or not. After a while of standing stiff and face contorting into indecisiveness, Toru finally—fucking finally— spoke, “Taka said that he _couldn’t do_ this anymore with me…”

Alex’s eyes widened at that because matte, matte! Is Toru referring to—

“…this..?” he asked, wanting to make sure that they’re on the same page, because if it is, then, then—

Alex recalled all those times he could see Toru pining for the vocalist—the leader throwing soft glances, smiles and laughs to Mori-chan; how he usually hangs out and relish on the fact that Mori-chan was doing special things just for him— _only for him_ —like cooking and eating dinner with him on a daily basis, making demos and watching Western music videos with him, celebrating Taka’s birthday just with the two of them. He had watched it all, including the times when Toru’s face would darken, turn into a helpless cowl whenever Taka is talking to someone, whenever Taka is laughing and doing things for someone, whenever Taka _is not purely his_. He had watched how they fell and rose a few times, watched and seen the leader crumble into bits when he was at lost, when the feelings within his chest became so suffocating, confusing, _insufferable_ —when he had realized his feelings for Mori-chan.

He was there, watching and smiling when Toru seems to brighten up, when the leader showed his gentler side to the vocalist. _Unfortunately_ , he was also there whenever the two are going at it and there are countless times he ( _incidentally_ ) heard the two moaning and grunting and chanting each other’s name like long time lovers. He was there, watching, as Toru becomes more matured, more focused, and damn it all, _happier._

So…

So, if what he’s thinking is true then…then…

“…this… _you know_ ,” Toru helplessly huffed, as they hear Tomoya and Ryota’s shouting’s from afar, “…whatever has been going on between us— _it’s over_ —all over…” he grunted, and turned towards the two idiots, silently signaling that the conversation is over. But Alex couldn’t ask for more details— _doesn’t have_ to, _doesn’t need_ to because—

Oh Toru, you poor, _poor_ boy…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The album that they were trying to make this time is supposed to be Kanjou Effect (please bear with my confusing and uncanon stuffs, you'll know why I have to do it in the next ones)  
> -Ryota really did started enjoying the band after the Quattro Tour, as everyone of you probably knows by now.
> 
>  
> 
> Feedbacks would be very much appreciated!  
> Thanks for reading~!


	40. Hitsuzen Maker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Would I forgive the people I couldn't even just a little   
> Would I like the people that I hate just a little bit   
> And at the, would I have been able to love myself?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter. I wonder why the aftermaths are always shorter while the making-up is always a huge one?? And now DREAMERS has almost the same word count with Reason! And it's only in 2008, dammit.
> 
> Anyways, we're having a small poll shits. If you're interested, you can find it here:  
> https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfmeiGCkR1dp0IwEPBtxytiymsKpeL-XNFlClZx9TljlRrL8w/viewform
> 
> If not, please just go with the story and forget that I even asked for that gaaaah so fucking embarassing ahhhh
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The cold days kept piling on top of each other, drowning everyone with the heavy, tensed atmosphere swirling around the two members of the band. Days turned to weeks, and even if they can now talk a bit _more civilly_ than the first few days, Taka can’t still look at their leader’s eyes for more than a few seconds.  He can’t stand those cold stares, _calm and wary_ —tired and uncaring. It feels like all of the weeks and months and years they’ve spent together were instantly washed away, _forgotten_ , whenever Toru-san would blankly look at him. And it hurts even more, when Taka would speak his mind out about their demos and Toru-san would just look at him, lips pursed, eyes unseeing—it feels like their rhythm guitarist, their founder, their leader is not trusting him _anymore._

Not trusting him as a _friend._

Not trusting him as a _bandmate_ —as the _vocalist_.

And it sucks. So much. That Taka has thrown a silent treatment to everyone, not saying anything even if their songs are all over the place. They sounded different from what they’ve wanted to do it, but seeing that Toru-san himself is not listening to him anymore, he decided that he would just do everyone a huge favor by shutting up.

_Completely._

Everyone kept glancing at him in worry when he sang the proposed verses with a stoic face. His voice is alright, but it lacked the usual _hype_ , the usual _crisp_ , the usual _roughness_ that the producer has to make him repeat the songs over and over again. Everyone must’ve been expecting him to blow a fuse but Taka is too tired, too spent, too _emotionally exhausted_ to actually argue so he just mindlessly obeyed—shoulders slumped, lips forming a thin, straight line as he nodded, and waited for the music to start all over again.

_He just wanted yet another bland day to end._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

But that silence didn’t last for too long.

Maybe it’s the universe still constantly trying to _fuck up_ his life, or maybe it’s just his karma for all the shits he had ever done—but Gocchan suddenly called one day— _or night_ —just when they’re about to leave the studio.

“So,” Toru-san said after putting his phone back into the pocket of his faded jeans. His hair is definitely growing longer right now, the dark black strands curling at the tips. His face is paler, harsher, eyes more sunken than usual and Taka is _not_ noticing those small things about the leader because he’s _not_ eyeing him like a creepy admirer from afar, okay?!

Besides, he’s _the creepy, perverted stalker, remember?!_

Taka huffed at that thought, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned sideways on the wall.

“Gocchan called me to say that…” a small glance at him before the younger teen looked at the other members, “…the album would be released in May.”

“WHAT,” is everyone’s unified and bewildered reaction. Their jaws hang open, as they exchanged confused glances with each other, but everyone has probably forgotten how to use their mouths because no one really made a comment for a full minute, well, until Taka finally snapped.

“What do you mean by that, Toru-san?” he asked, effectively gathering all the member’s attention. It’s kinda rare these days for him to open a conversation with the leader so their minds were probably blown out of their skulls when he addressed the leader, “Isn’t it supposed to be released in November?!”

“I know,” he gruffly said, adjusting the strap of his guitar case on his shoulder, “But Gocchan said that it’s the management’s decision to release a new one—,”

“But we couldn’t even decide what songs are we gonna put in it!” he continued rambling on, “And we don’t even have good songs to begin with?! They all sound like—,”

“Like _what_?” Taka’s lips instantly clamped shut on their own at the sharp tone the leader has just adapted, “You’re gonna tell us that they’re _shits_?”

“Yes _but_ —,” Taka’s eyes widened in horror when that came out of his stupid mouth. Ryota and Tomoya jumped beside him, while Alex made a low whistle and Toru-san… _let’s just say_ that his facial expressions says a lot, showing his displeasure with Taka’s words.

“It’s funny hearing that from _someone_ who can’t even sing properly these past few days,” he blandly remarked, making Taka inwardly gasped. Every fiber of his being seems to combust into flames at that, his cheeks instantly burning in indignation because…because what the fuck?!

_Did Toru-san just…just…_

Look at what you’ve done.

Even Toru-san is fed up with all of your shits.

Look, he’s not even valuing you as his friend anymore.

You’re just _another_ vocalist who happened to be in his band.

And now that you _can’t sing that well_ , there would come a time that he would just drop you. Replace you. _Forget_ you.

Taka’s eyes grew wide, tears springing up at their corners as his lips parted open to say something—a snarky comment, a sardonic retort, an apology— _anything to say against to that accusation_ —but he couldn’t find the right words, couldn’t gather enough wits to stand those burning gaze.

“I think that’s being too _harsh_ , Toru,” Alex said in his defense when Taka just stood there, gaping at their leader. He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck as his eyes darted between him and his fellow guitarist. “We all have our ups and downs and Mori-chan’s voice is not an exception.”

Stop that.

_I don’t need someone to defend me._

_I don’t need someone to sympathize with me._

_I don’t need your pity!_

Toru-san grunted, averting his gaze to focus on…staring at the wall. Tomoya and Ryota were oddly silent, looking back and forth between the three members but not saying anything.

“Besides, did you hear him calling you out when you played your part wrong?” Alex continued but Toru-san didn’t respond. Damn, he would bore holes onto the fucking walls if he keeps on glaring at it like that! “Oh god, I can’t believe the two of you!” he finally snapped, exasperatedly flailing his arms towards their directions, “I can’t believe how you set your minds into ruining this band! Get your shits together, _mou!_ ”

Taka’s emotions were oscillating—pitching before nosing down in a frantic manner. There was sadness, the feeling of betrayal and just being used; replaced with hurt, pain, and now, _anger_ —because he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, he didn’t sign up for these shits—what’s wrong with refusing to have sex with someone? Was Toru-san _that shallow_ to throw a tantrum—that lasted for _days_ —just because of that? Was Toru-san that _single-minded_ that he can’t even give Taka a proper constructive criticism, and instead, just cruelly lashed out on his misgivings?

Taka wanted to fight back, scream and let all of those frustrations he’s currently feeling but at the same time, he feels _tired_. He instantly realized that getting mad and going ballistics because of those matters will just be tiring. He feels so drained that he wants to just go home, curl under his blankest with music blasting from his earphones.

He wanted _out._

But at the same time, he wants to _stay._ Make up and mend things with Toru-san. He _missed_ him—and the mental strain and emotional fatigue quickly morphed into something more _heartbreaking_ —into sadness, the feeling of abandonment, longing, _yearning._ And Taka couldn’t cope up with the swirling emotions within him—it grew wider, broader, _engulfing_ him into a maelstrom of emotions.

He wanted _out._

He wanted _peace._

“I won’t go to the rehearsals until both of you have become matured adults and professionals!” Alex declared, earning everyone’s—except Taka, because he’s still busy wallowing in self-despair—shocked eyes.

“Alex-senpai—,”

“No!” the lead guitarist threw his hands off the air, “If you think that _you’re the only ones_ who can fuck this band up with your personal shits, then you’re wrong!” he said, glaring at the both of them, “Remember that we’re in a band here—we’re friends—we’re _family_ ,” he narrowed his eyes as he adjusted the strap of his own guitar, “And whatever you do, it would all reflect on us, whatever’s happening with you _affects_ us, dammit! I’m out!”

The world is blurring out into edges and somewhere at the back of his mind, Taka remembers all the time that they fought over silly things. He wasn't that much concerned about it coz he had always believe, had always _known_ that Toru-san would accept him with open arms—always. _Always._ But the said Toru-san is not looking at him anymore, well, he does, but it was more like of exhaustion, of exasperation, like he could not even stand being in a single room with Taka and it hurts—it _hurts so much_ that he could feel his chest exploding, that he couldn't think, see, _dream_ of the future with everyone— _with Toru-san, anymore_ —so, even before Alex could really step out into the road, Taka grabbed his shirt and roughly pulled him backwards.

"What the _fu_ —," the half-American started to complain a she almost toppled over, eyes glaring menacingly at Taka but he couldn't care less. His eyes fixed on the floor, fingers clutching the foreign shirt before he licked his parched lips and stated at the lead guitarist's eyes.

"No _need_ to fucking do that, Alex," he said, voice cracking around the edges. He heard the taller teen sighed—probably in a misleaded relief—

Even Toru-san looked mildly interested, and Taka felt that now familiar twinge in his heart again. Toru-san _used_ to look at him with those intense burning eyes before. "You're already gonna make up—,"

"No," he hissed out, eyes burning and mind reeling as he weighed all the options, all the possible route for escape from this horrible _, horrible_ situation but he found none— _nothing_ , it was dark, empty, cold, everything blurring into a monochromatic world again, like _how it used to be_ before he met the rhythm guitarist—,

"I'm gonna quit the band."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Taka saying that he’ll quit the band was actually legit, when Alex was still there. Ryota said it in the **Musica: September 2012 Ryota Interview** , translated by Ryeon in Tumblr. You can find it here: http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/38504106330/musica-september-2012-ryota-interview
> 
> -So, they we’re preparing for the supposedly Kanjou Effect album but shits happened and now they have to do the Beam of Light, which, Taka has said to be something he hated, and _“Actually, we weren’t in the mood to make it. Because the point was to make songs. [?] The theme at that time was that we had to become a band.”_ It was taken from here: http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/28895843798/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-3
> 
> Please tell me what you think! Thank you very much for reading~!


	41. Take What You Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you hear me?  
> I’m trying to hear you  
> Silence strikes like a hurricane  
> Now I’m singing for you  
> You’re screaming at me  
> It’s hard to see your tears in the pouring rain"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a short chapter~!
> 
> Have you watched the full DVD, the Documentary, and the WOWOW version of the Dome Tour?? 
> 
>  
> 
> Also, the shits I'm asking last time is still ongoing. I will be accepting responses until June 17, 2018. Here's the link again, hohohoho: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1RveIW3fZ4IGYe8f7kSaH_5d50Gpwbk4CXsbfppp9XpA/viewform?edit_requested=true
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Everything became chaotic after Taka dropped the bomb. At first, everyone stood there in silence, stiff-shock as their exhausted minds desperately tried to process what Taka had just said. Toru can hear everyone’s harsh breathing, the sounds of vehicles outside, the drone of the heater in the corner and the sound of their feet shuffling on their spots.

_He must be joking_ , Toru thought as his fingers curl into a fist so tight that his nails were already making crescent indents on his palms, _quit the band? He must be fucking joking, that bastard—_

A loud rumble erupted from his throat. He didn't plan it, never ever thought of hysterically laughing just after their vocalist—their _only_ vocalist—had said that he would leave the band. Everyone is looking at him in worry, probably debating if Toru has finally _lost_ it. Taka is eyeing him, in a different manner though—eyes red rimmed, puffy along the edges as if he's just preventing himself from bursting into tears, brows furrowed together in confusion, _and in hurt_ , as he probably decided that Toru is mocking his announcement or something—well, he _really does_ because—

"What the hell?" he spat, his dark, deep chuckles fading into the tensed air, "You're gonna quit the band? Are you fucking out of your mind?!"

Toru hopes that the vocalist would shrug it off as a joke, as a threat to gather his attention or to just stop Alex-senpai from being a nosy, demanding senpai; but when the determined look on Taka's face didn't _waver_ , when those jaws just clenched _firmly_ and when those eyes refused to meet his own, Toru felt like he's been betrayed all over again.

Suddenly he was in his unit again, on the bed—naked and _aching_ and confused when Taka just scrambled away from him, telling him that he couldn't do things with Toru anymore because he's scared of getting fucked. Suddenly he was sitting on the bed, watching as Taka obviously fought with himself, when Taka announced that they would be stopping _whatever the fuck they're having_ now without even asking him if it's _alright_ , if Toru _also_ wants it to end—

Suddenly, there's this feeling of abandonment again. Taka didn't trust him _anymore_. Taka wouldn't be his anymore.

Betrayal hurts like a _bitch._

But being casually thrown aside just because you're _not_ a girl to spread her legs for him—

"For real?!" his loud voice resonated inside the confines of the studio—Ryota and Tomoya jumping like scared cats at the sound of it—, "Why are you always like that, Taka?! Why are you always deciding without even asking for anyone's opinion, huh?!"

He saw the older flinched but the vocalist didn't back down, "Well, this is _obviously_ not working out anymore, Toru-san!" he retorted, eyes filling with more tears, "You probably can pretend that everything is fine as long as we are all together but if we're making _shitty_ music just for the heck of it without actually _enjoying_ it with the people _I valued the most_ , then what's the point of it?!"

_So, this is all about you again?!_

He left Toru because he’s _scared._

Now he’s leaving the band because he’s _not enjoying_ it anymore?

_Oh, give me a fucking break!_

Toru gritted his teeth in pure annoyance. He doesn't really want to have the inevitable confrontation between him and the vocalist— _not now_ , when they're all tired; _not here_ , where everyone is nervously looking between the two of them, ready to hear all the shits that they were despe8 trying to conceal—but Taka is proving himself as a selfish bastard.

What the hell.

"You're always thinking of _yourself_ ," he muttered low, eyes narrowing at the shaking form—whether it's from fear or fury, _he'll never know_ —, "you want to quit because you're not enjoying it anymore? How about us, huh? Did you ever asked anyone of us if we're enjoying handling your shitty mood swings every damn time?!"

"Toru!" Tomoya gasped in the background but Toru is too blinded with rage, with fear, with the feeling of being left behind—all the emotions he had kept since Taka left him hanging in the air, fumbling to set his mind right and to focus on making demos and trying to live normally without the vocalist on his side—all of the _anger_ , all of the _resentment,_ all of the things he had wanted to say and scream started spilling out from his mouth in a merciless, harsh manner.

"You're saying that because you just want to escape all of your responsibilities but have you ever been doing it right in the first place?! You didn't even ask for my opinion! _Hah!_ " he barked out a laughter, "And everyone is calling me the _leader_ when you can't even discuss those things with me?! Are you fucking serious?!"

Silence.

His own ragged breathing was so loud in his ears, and he wondered if he had gone deaf because no one spoke for a moment. No one moves, no one blinks, no one even breathes. And that's when Toru realized how he fucked up _so much_ because tears are now silently rolling down Taka's flustered cheeks. It reminds him of the night when Taka was sick and alone, looking so frail and vulnerable and weak—Taka has a problem about self-esteem, about the concept _of love and trust_ and Toru was there—he was _there_ , who _promised_ that he would always _always_ be with Taka—

_“I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll be here when you have bad dreams. I’ll be here when you’re moody, and commanding us like the boss. I’ll be here when you’re cursing everyone, flipping everyone or bullying Tomoya to death. I’ll be here when you’re angry or lonely or sad or hungry or heart-broken or horny or sick or healthy, with or without your voice.”_

Now Taka is looking at him with wide, horrified eyes, making Toru's stomach churn in guilt because he had gone back to his words— _in every fucking way around it_. His mouth felt dry, he tried swallowing but the painful lump in his throat won't budge—

_He had gone too far._

"But..." Taka's voice sliced through the deadly silence of the room—making everything around Toru to freeze and falls into eerie silence. He doesn't want this quietness. He wants the loud, brash, grinning Takahiro—he wants the warmth, the brightness, the boundless energy from his Takahiro not this...this...

"...but it's _you_ who wouldn't look at me anymore, Toru-san..."

It was just mumbled but it exploded like thunders in his ears.

He was too overwhelmed, his mind working double-time to process that accusation and formulate a proper response, but even before he could do that, Taka has already rushed past him—in a blur of black and flesh, the scent of his shampoo wafting into his nose before he fled into the outside world, shutting the door behind him.

_He had gone too far._

It was Taka who leaves him again, but this time, Toru couldn't put all the blame to the vocalist. He had pushed him away when it's clear that Taka wanted to mend things between him—all the _not-so subtle_ gestures of reaching for him, all the _longing looks_ directed at him, all the deep sighs whenever he's ignoring Takahiro—but how could he forgive him when his heart is still in pieces?

"Run after him, Toru!" Alex-senpai is shouting in the background but it sounds so muffled like he's drowning, falling into the bottomless waters of the dark, terrifying ocean.

His heart was literally blown into smithereens just recently because Taka ended up shits so casually that Toru is still having sleepless nights because of thinking on what he had done wrong to make the vocalist freak out like that. But after a shit ton of pondering, and blasting music from his earphones, he realized that there's really nothing he could do to change the outcome. Well, aside from being the bottom one.

"Toru-nii..." Ryota whined across him.

But he could not, _would not do it as well_ , and for that, he wants to smack himself really hard because he’s just being as obstinate as Taka, for not wanting to yield. He could have just done it, and get over it just to preserve the sweet stuffs they have but just thinking about it makes his blood crawl.

His mind as so intent on being the one on top _, I mean,_ wasn’t it obvious every time they made out—Taka sprawled on the shits, panting and looking up at him with glazed eyes with Toru hovering above him. They had done it a million times already and the vocalist doesn’t seem to mind it then, but now?

_Well, would you like to have a dick shoved into your ass, then?_ His mind snarkily asked, making him huff in irritation. Everyone is looking at his scowling face, probably waiting for him to make a move and run after their vocalist in distress to… _I don’t know_ , save him or something.

But how could he, when Toru, himself, is confused as fuck too?

“ _Mou!_ ” Tomoya finally growled after seconds passed and yet he still didn’t make any move to go, “You two are idiots!” he grumbled before running past him. Alex and Ryota remained with him in the studio, but Toru couldn’t really care about their presence anymore.

He stared at the blank wall across him, the spot where Taka is standing just a few minutes ago. He tried closing his eyes, but snapped them opened immediately because he couldn’t make the memories to stop from flashing under his eyelids.

Toru sighed, grumbled, fishing out his box of much-needed cigarettes from the pockets of his coat before he wordlessly trudged outside.

He doesn’t want to close his eyes ever again…

Because he can still see the look of pure pain and horror and betrayal on their vocalist’s face just a moment ago. He must have been looking exactly the same right now as Taka’s words echoed relentlessly in his mind.

_“But it’s you who’s not looking at me anymore, Toru-san…”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this even makes sense?!
> 
> Thanks for reading~! Any feedbacks would be very much appreciated~


	42. Re:Make

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m breaking down
> 
> I keep trying to reach you with my broken legs  
> How many times have you seen me when I fall?  
> But now I know you're not the only thing like before  
> Not the one I need to share  
> There's no meaningless attempt, it's a load of crap  
> That much I know, I'm not an idiot  
> I never give myself to you any more"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK AT MY ERRATIC SCHEDULE OF UPDATES HOHOHOHO
> 
> The last chapter gathered a lot of...uhm...weird reactions?? Eh? I don't even know what's happening but we're probably all sad because of the situation of the two huh...well, in that case, LET'S HAVE SOME MORE.
> 
> This will be the last...uhm...chapter before they reach a compromise. It's short, again, but I think I want to have the next one a bit longer?? I hope that it would be.
> 
> Anyways, the form is still accepting responses, especially in the prompts one. I haven't checked them out and I'm planning to do it at the end of the poll so I can have a good day of reading your (twisted??) ideas. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“Here…”

Taka blearily looked up to see Tomoya handing him a cup of steaming green tea. He blinked, his tired mind wondering on what the drummer is doing in his unit, or how did he even managed to get back into his apartment. His memory is all hazy, bits of shouting, shocked faces and Toru-san’s _uncaring_ eyes were all that he can remember. He ran outside, the cold air hitting his face as his feet brought him away from that place.

_Away from Toru-san._

He accepted the cup with both of his hands and stared at the green liquid in it. It’s cold, and it’s probably just a few hours before morning, and despite being tired, Taka can’t get himself to sleep. He’s used being up on these ungodly hours, loitering around the city with the other idiots, eating ramen in their favorite Ramen house, and recently, making demos with Toru-san in either of their units. He was used in sleepless nights filled with laughter and drinking and making music they all so loved, _but now…_

“I hope it’s good,” Tomoya was saying in the background as he stood beside the couch where Taka is resting—his knees pulled close to his chest, a warm, thick blanket wrapped around his small form—like Toru-san would always do to keep them from freezing their sorry asses. And to have _more excuse_ to have body contact and _shamelessly_ touch each other. “I’m not really good in cooking, ne?”

Taka weakly snorted at that, “You just add water to tea, Tomoya,” he muttered, “You don’t need to be a chef to fucking do it.”

“But you make simple things taste like they’re made of a professional chef!” the drummer said before he unceremoniously plopped on the empty spot beside him, “And I don’t want to disappoint you with my shitty tea-making skills!”

“Oh yeah?” Taka lazily turned his head towards the brightly smiling face of their drummer, “What have you done this time? Why are you praising me like that, you idiot?”

“Eh?!” Tomoya gasped in disbelief, making Taka wants to smack him more because of his incredulous expressions, “Is it wrong to praise your cooking skills?!”

Taka didn’t answer. He just gave him a long side-glance before he took a sip on the tea. It’s bitter, _so much than he wants to_ —the dumbass probably put too little water—but made no comment to further rile up the older man. He’s actually kinda glad that Tomoya is here and despite witnessing all the shits earlier, he’s still not saying anything about it.

“ _Maa_ …” Tomoya finally yielded when he got no reaction from the vocalist, “I kinda broke your cup earlier and—,”

“You fucking _what_?!”

The drummer almost jumped out of the couch but Taka was faster—he instantly laid the cup on the coffee table and grabbed the older’s loose sweater to make stay on his spot on the couch—, “You broke my what?!”

“Your cup!” Tomoya cried, “But I can replace it, it’s not even that pretty! And you didn’t even hear when I smashed it on the floor a few minutes ago!”

Taka stopped glaring holes at the drummer at that.

“I know that you’re…” Tomoya started, making him inwardly flinch because _holy shit, here comes the “talk”_ and he began panicking like hell because the drummer could ask questions and Taka is still not ready to answer any of it?? “…you’re in a difficult situation right now,” he continued, “And you don’t have to tell me, but it’s definitely so big and frustrating that it even made you want to quit the band.”

_Oh. That’s right_. He made that announcement a few hours ago.

Is that why the drummer is here?

Did Toru-san sent him here to persuade him to not do it?

Taka huffed, letting go of the fabric in his hand.

Somehow, that leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Or maybe it’s just the damn tea that he drank earlier. _Whatever._

“If you really want to quit, I won’t stop you,” his head snapped towards the drummer at that in bewilderment— _what the fuck_ —, “…but…please know that I really, really enjoy this place and…and wherever you go, please remember that I will be forever grateful for that day when you asked me to join the band!”

Taka studied the smile on the drummer’s face—it wasn’t as bright and _blinding_ like his usual smiles, it’s big, yes, but Taka can detect a hint of sadness on it. Like Tomoya is just _forcing_ himself to smile, _forcing_ himself to be strong, _forcing_ himself to accept Taka’s decision even if it’s glaringly obvious that _he’s not_ —that the tears glazing on his eyes is not because Taka is about to leave—the band—everyone, Toru-san.

_Damn you—_

A loud, obviously forced chuckled was wrung out of his throat at that, making Tomoya look at him in shock—and worry, because he sounds like he’s really losing his sanity right now—, “You—I can’t believe you’re kinda pressuring me not to quit with those words _ahahahahah_ a!!!”

“Taka-chan—,”

“I can’t believe it _ahahaha_ you passive-aggressive shit _ahahahaha_ —,”

One moment Taka was laughing his heart out, forced— _fake_ —his throat hurting at the harshness of it, his own voice sounding so strange and unfamiliar to his ears—then the next one, he suddenly doubled over, fat glob of tears springing out of his eyes, mouth strewn wide as he tried— _desperately tried_ —to rein in the violent sobs which were wracking his already shaken frame.

“Eh?!” Tomoya is instantly crowding beside him, a hand braced on his back to support him as Taka pulled his knees close to his chest, hugging it and dumping his messy face on it, “Why are you suddenly crying, Takahiro?!”

Why?

_Why am I crying?!_

Why indeed?

Maybe because despite saying that he’ll quit the band earlier, he really doesn’t have any resolve to do it? He couldn’t leave it—leave all the _people_ who’s been part of his life, the _family_ , the _band_ they’ve all been working on together for almost three years now. Maybe he’s crying because he couldn’t imagine himself walking alone, living alone, and lifelessly moving without any _aim_ , without any _purpose_ , without any _dream._

He would be a typical _trash_ person in the streets.

Maybe he’s crying, howling and _bawling_ because it hurts so much—the way he had _depended_ on this band in order to move forward, in order to pursue his dreams and prove his worth as Takahiro and Takahiro alone. It made him unable to _see,_ unable to _think_ , unable to _look forward_ to a future without everyone—without a perverted Alex who can play sick guitar solos, without an innocent Ryota who would always stop them whenever a fight is about to broke out, without a hyperactive Tomoya who could play drums like a fucking pro, and without _Toru-san…_

_Toru-san_ who had stared at him that cold, dark night with eyes so fucking scary that it makes Taka thinks that he’s a yankee or someshit; _Toru-san_ who asked him to join his band, in a straightforward, no-nonsense manner; _Toru-san_ who, despite all the pushing’s and harsh words Taka had spit on him, had always _always_ come back to their live, to his part time job—just to fucking pressure him into joining his then nameless band; _Toru-san_ who had promised that he would never, ever, have to look down while singing anymore…

He would surely die.

_I’m sure of it._

“O-oi!” Tomoya said, panic evident in his voice, “Calm down, Takahiro, calm down!”

But Taka can’t— _won’t_ —because _he’s scared_. Scared that Toru-san would not stop him from leaving, why would he? He’s just _a nuisance_. Someone he had found while he’s desperately searching for a vocalist for his silly band, and now that they have more acquaintances, the leader could easily recruit a better vocalist who will not give them a hard time dealing with his moods which were swinging like fucking pendulums!

_Someone_ who would not say harsh comments about their playing, about Alex’s tardiness, about Tomoya eating his food in the fridge, about Ryota to man up and move a bit while playing, about Toru-san’s wandering hands whenever they’re alone. Someone who would laugh and cry and be successful with everyone, without the burden Taka gives to them right from the start.

That _thought_ …the thought that he could easily be _replaced_ hits like a fucking wrecking ball that he crumbled even worse, soundless screams piercing the air as he bawled his eyes out, with a very panicking Tomoya beside him.

He’s scared, his heart is beating frantically and he can’t stop the forthcoming of this miserable, suffocating panic at those thoughts—the fact that _no one has ever really wanted him_ for anything but for his voice. And it hurts so much because right now, that’s exactly how he feels—

_Worthless._

Scum.

Someone who’s only being valued for his voice.

_Someone easily replaceable._

Taka is getting dizzy. Vision blurred as fuck and is only vaguely aware if Tomoya still calling his name, the drummer’s hand warm against the base of his skull, finger threading through his hair as he desperately tried to make him calm down, to make him stop from making those high-pitched, strangled, cracking sobs.

_I just wanna go back…_

His foggy mind wandered back to that drunken night when he practically pounced on their guitarist. He wonders if…if he hadn’t done it, will they be here right now? Will Taka still be experiencing this heartbreaks?

_Definitely not._

But he knows, he’s aware that these feelings within him doesn’t just bloomed out of fucking nowhere on that night. It has always been here—in his heart—a small light, a small fucking flower—no matter how shitty that sounds—that started to thrive on the very moment that Toru-san first asked him to be their— _his_ —vocalist.

And it grows, _slow and sure_ , with every day they’ve spent together—it grows stronger as he gradually opened up, baring his souls and flaws and faults to the only person who first saw him as someone worth noticing—to the _first person_ who accepted him for who he is—accepted him with _all his mood swings and loud mouth and brash, uncaring attitude_ —someone who had accepted him as Morita Takahiro—as _Taka alone._

It grows tougher with every obstacle they went through, with every reconciliation they’ve made, with every times their band is on the verge of collapsing—be it because of the lack of proper audience, the lack of good shows, the lack of knowledge about live performances, or simply just because they’re assholes to each other.

_And that kiss…_

That drunken kiss made this shit to bloom even further—and he wonders if he can, if _they_ can go back to the way they are before it happened—

If he wasn’t so drunk back then, this would never happen—him being an ass to Toru-san won’t happen. He won’t have to experience his heart breaking with every _cold, empty_ stares, with _careless_ words, and the lack of empathy form the leader’s actions…he wouldn’t have to feel like his heart is getting stabbed by a thousand of swords, the blades plunging to the hilt all at the same time—making him _bleed, weak and dead_ over and over again.

And yet…

_And yet…_

He was so focused on the sound of his harsh breathing, Tomoya’s frantic voice beside his ears and the feeling like he’s drowning to hear the door opening with a soft clank— _even if it’s locked_ —like the way Toru-san would do it whenever he’s unsure if Taka is in the unit he’s trespassing.

_And yet,_ if it wasn’t for the kiss, he would not experience those passionate nights, those soft, long kisses they’ve shared whenever no one is around, their harsh breaths fanning on each other’s face in some random dark corner of various live houses—he would have never experienced the _bliss_ whenever Tour-san is there when he wakes up, whenever Toru-san is there before he sleeps after a long day of torturing his brain in composing lyrics, whenever Toru-san’s is there— _warm and soft and steady and strong_ —when Taka is tired, weak and sleepy.

Despite knowing that, _what did he do?_

“I-I’m scared,” he tried to say, but it’s a garbled mess, choked and strangled, as he thinks that despite the fact that Toru-san has _given everything that he had craved_ for since being a child— _attention, care, acceptance, and unwavering support_ —he still fucked it all up, throwing it away like it was something repulsive, something _dangerous_ to himself instead of something _oh-so precious._

_I wanna go back…_

Tomoya’s hand vanished from his back, and was replaced with something larger, something familiar and warm and before he knew it, someone is already gently putting his face onto his shoulders—and Taka has to let out a surprised, overwhelmed gasp as he inhaled the stranger’s scent—

He smells like smoke, like the snow, like their favorite ramen shop in the area, but above all— _he smells everything like Toru-san—_

Shock.

Realization.

Guilt.

Fear.

With Taka’s blurry eyes, he could only faintly see the man’s face in his peripheral view but he couldn’t be more relieved to see him, to feel him, to hug him—

“It’s alright…” the leader lowly murmured into the tousled strands of his hair, and Taka was wailing even more at that because damn this gachapin-faced bastard for suddenly popping out of nowhere when he’s breaking down into pieces, “It’s _alright…_ ”

And Taka, despite hating _everything and everyone_ at the moment—despite fearing the man’s reactions and words—surged forward, fingers clutching the thick sweater, bundling them— _with no intent of letting him go_ —as he wordlessly cried, sobbed, and completely fall apart into his guitarist’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Did I forgot to mention that I find DREAMERS so fucking...uhm...weird?? Because it's totally different from Reason, but also the same? Eh?? I just...I can't even believe that this two has already kissed??
> 
> Nevermind.  
> Please tell me what you think of this, ne? Thank you very much for reading~!


	43. Cry Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cry out! Will you tell me now?  
> So it's everyone changing, never be the same? (yeah)  
> Cry out! Oh, I’m burning out  
> Can’t you hear the sound?  
> (Voices all around  
> Cause we going down)"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels like a race. A race between me and the time when Taka and Toru would announce something in the real world. Now, I have to hurry the fuck up in writing. It's kinda motivating and saddening all at the same time--motivating coz it's gonna make me obliged to write them; saddening, because this will end sooner than I expected. It will almost be a year since I started writing but please gaaaah, please wait for me to finish at least DREAMERS before you officially go off with someone gaaaah!!!
> 
>  
> 
> And so, here's a very short update. I'll post the making-up chapter tomorrow. Please be noted that these chapters have already been drafted and planned even before the rumors so yeah, it has nothing to do with the happenings in the real world.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own One OK Rock and all of its members. This is merely a work of fiction based on their public characters and the infos available on the internet. All mistakes, incoherency, plot holes are mine.
> 
> Also, if you're not into ToruKa, kindly fuck off because I'm still kinda fuming with what happened to my account.

It was cold— _obviously_ —as Toru weaved through the not-so crowded sidewalks. Dawn is coming, and the city is about to wake up and bustle with crowds and shops and all the noises that makes this place so fucking alive. He had just eaten a ramen, because thinking and aimlessly walking made him hungry. He went to their favorite ramen house— _where he first brought Taka after he moved into this place_ —and ordered his usual bowl but he wasn’t able to finish it.

_How could he?_

When _every time_ he looks up from his bowl of ramen, he was kinda expecting the vocalist sitting across him, his own bowl cradled with his smaller hands as he practically inhaled the broth—the steam puffing out all around him and the loud slurping sound can be heard from the older teen who’s eating the ramen like _there’s no tomorrow_. Toru would always smile at him, tell him that he really shouldn’t rush eating like that and Taka would huff, put the bowl on the table with a loud clank before he gives him a full, murderous glare and—

Toru’s breath hitched at that, as he stopped a sob from coming out from the back of his throat when he looked up and find the seat across him _empty, cold and dark_ —the vocalist is not there, _will not be there_ because instead of running after him, he just stood there—pride burning in his mind—and watched him to _go_ , to run _away_ —with a chance of never ever coming back.

_He’s not here…_

He wearily glanced down on his ramen. It has always been tasty— _the best Ramen in town_ , as he had proudly told Taka on their first time eating here years ago—but now, the broth looks bland, the noodles had turned soggy and cold—suddenly, it wasn’t that appealing _anymore_.

He sighed, the steam wafting around him, before he placed his chopsticks down and wordlessly shuffled out of the shop.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The sun is about to rise and Toru is still walking aimlessly in the busy streets. He wanted to go home, but his feet wouldn’t allow him to. _Where is home, anyway?_ He looked up, the sky still dark and blurry—wondering where he would go—Taka’s voice, his helpless, exhausted, desperate voice booming in his ears—

_“I’m gonna quit the band…”_

He choked back a sob as he turned his gaze across him, the familiar scenery of Center Gai filling his vision. He can see him and Taka walking in there during the cold winter nights, clad in heavy sweaters and jackets—their hair in mess, warm breaths puffing out like white smokes around them as they walked aimlessly, _laughing and bickering_ , their fingers interlinked—to keep them _warm,_ to keep Taka safe from sliding on his ass on the moist road, from _whatever excuses_ Toru had made to hold that hand—

_“I’m gonna quit the band…”_

The images banished, the warmth and laughter’s and all that’s left was the streets slowly being filled with vehicles and people hurrying towards their destination, and Toru was suddenly attacked with this irrational fear that— _that—_

_No, no, no—_

Taka can’t do this to him—

_“Let’s make our dreams more realistic in the meantime. For now, let’s get big on Japan, ne? Then when we’re famous and we’ve played on arenas, then we can finally go to America, ne?”_

—his vision went blurry as his body traitorously turned around, facing towards the direction of Taka’s apartment unit, feet moving on their own—slow, unsure steps gradually turned into sprints as Taka’s words reverberated into his mind—

_“Hai, We’re not gonna disband. No matter what happens, ne?”_

—Taka’s face—crying, helpless, laughing, snapping, talking, grinning, looking up at him in wonder, eyes bashful, hooded, glazed, red-rimmed, filled with unshed tears, lips spread wide in a childish smile, looking at him with bright, almond-shaped eyes—the vocalist’s features crashed into his mind in no specific order, in a dizzying fashion that Toru wanted to just stop thinking about, stop worrying about him but all the memories came flooding back—

_“It really, really hurts! Like something nasty is crawling up into my throat and it burns and nothing is going out but that bitter shit and everything hurts—my muscles, my ass, my bones! But, but, you know what's more painful, Toru-san? It's when you didn't follow after me, Toru-san...”_

Toru started to heave as he stood in front of the vocalist’s unit. His hair makes him look like a fucking scarecrow, the curls stubbornly clinging on his sweaty face. It was cold, but he’s sweating like fuck— _I mean just look at all I’ve ran, dammit!_ He took a deep breath, heart pounding against his chest as he fished his keys with shaking hands. The keys clanked and clicked as Toru tried to steady his hand, thinking, _praying,_ that Taka would be here, that Taka would still welcome him, that Taka hadn’t changed his locks—

_Because what are these duplicate keys for if that happens?!_

—he turned the keys, and thank god, the lock gave away. He grabbed the knob and slowly, silently pushed the door open, a part of him expecting to hear silence because what if the vocalist had gone with Tomoya into the drummer’s unit—

But then, there’s this loud, helpless sobs and hiccups coming from the living room, and a frantic voice— _“O-oi! Calm down, Takahiro, calm down!”_ —that suspiciously sounds like Tomoya. The sound of the vocalist’s crying is so potent that Toru stood frozen in the genkan, eyes wide as he listened to Taka bawling his eyes out—

What would he say to Taka?

Would he apologize for being an asshole earlier? And for the previous days that he acted cold as ice towards him?

Would Taka even face him, talk to him, _accept him—_

More crying, this time, Taka is babbling out incoherent words— _“I-I’m scared—,”_

And that’s when Toru realized that he’s not supposed to be just standing there, stiff as a rod and listening, watching as his previous vocalist quickly collapses into pieces—he should be there, _I should be there_ —by his side—giving him comfort, looking at him—

_“But it’s you who’s not looking at me anymore, Toru-san…”_

Tomoya jumped when he suddenly appeared beside them, but the drummer made no sound of acknowledgement when he practically nudges him away, as he sat beside the quivering mess of their vocalist—

Taka looked like shit— _he’s an ever messy crier_ —eyes puffy and almost closing, glazed with tears that keeps on spilling on the reddened rims, his nose and cheeks and almost his entire face flushed red, voice cracking and clogged as he hiccups and sobs wracked his frame—his entire being screaming, _pleading for some kind_ —any kind—of attention, of comfort, of love and it _hurts_ because Toru knows that he’s the reason why the vocalist is crying like this—

_When all I’ve ever wanted is to reach our dreams together—_

_When all he’d ever wanted_ is to see Taka smile, see his back as he sings his heart out in front of thousands of people—

_When all he’d ever wanted_ is to hear Taka laugh, hear him say Toru’s name in an adoring manner, when all he’d ever wanted is to be happy with him—

Not this… _never like this—_

He wordlessly put his arm around the shaking vocalist, patting his back in a soothing manner, his other hand landed on the back of Taka’s head to pull him closer, until his face met his shoulders—and for a moment, Toru was dead scared that Taka would push him away, that the vocalist had enough of his _“not-running-after-me”_ shits—so thank all the _kami_ in the universe because instead of shoving him away, Takahiro instantly latched on him—holding onto his clothes as if Toru would just fucking disappear into thin air—

“It’s alright…” he exhaled, his hands running up and down onto Taka’s back as he felt his eyes stung with unshed tears, “It’s alright…”

It was cold, yes, but at that moment—with Taka clinging to him like they haven’t seen each other _for ages_ , like they weren’t spitting harsh words at each other just a few hours ago, like they haven’t been in bad terms for the past few days—Toru feels warm, feels safe, feels _at fucking home._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All feedbacks/reactions/comments/suggestions will be well appreciated. Thank you very much for reading~!


	44. 20/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Screw me over like you didn’t know my name  
> Oh I was so convenient  
> I don’t know why you wanna play me like a game"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so shitty that I, myself, can't understand what's happening anymore. It sounds forced and I would really appreciate if you'll tell me your thoughts, even if their harsh or someshit. Much OOCness my gahd. This is also not inspired from what's currently happening, and it's already planned ahead, to you know, make this stort a bit more canon in the year 2008. Now that I'm thinking of it, there was also a rumor back then, huh? AHAHAHAHAHAHA AND IT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE TORU-SAN'S RUMORS GAHAHAHA
> 
> Ahem.
> 
> Anyways, here's this lameass chapter (one of the shits I hated the most)
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine. This is just a work of fiction.

“Toru-san…Toru- _saaaan_ …” Taka whined on the guitarist’s shirt, not caring if he’ll mess it up or make it wet because damn—all he wanted is the _warmth_ , the _reassurance_ , the selfish desire to be _coddled and comforted_ by the only person he trusted the most—and _will be the only one_ , until the day he dies—and his heart was practically jumping out of his fucking ribcage when Toru-san _magically_ understand his thoughts and wants and whishes because the vocalist is also hugging him tight, encasing him with those skinny arms, his head dipping onto Taka’s neck as he practically squeezed his fucking should out of his body—

  
“Ah, _itetetetetete_ —,” Taka muttered when the guitarist squeezed a bit too hard. He wasn’t really _complaining_ with all the hugging but damn, his body would fucking snap if the younger teen would continue hugging him like this, okay?! “Y-you’re hurting me, Toru-san!”

  
But the dumb fuck is apparently not on the same pag as him because he just nodded and mumbled something like, “I know, I’m sorry—,” against his shoulder, instead of pulling a bit away to let him breath.

  
“No!” Taka yelled, roughly pushing the man away—so hard that he almost stumbled backwards and hit the back of his head on the coffee table. It’s nothing _new_ really, for them to rough house each other—heck, Taka has always been the victim of the guitarist’s moves—Alex even caught them for like a _gazillion_ of times, remember?—so there’s really nothing to be surprised this time—

  
_Except_ that completely hurt look on their leader’s face when Taka shoved him away.

  
“ _Abunai yo_!” he heard Tomoya screeched somewhere in the background— _wait, he’s still here?_ —but couldn’t really give a damn about it because his wide, glassy eyes are now focused on Toru-san’s equally shell-shocked face.

  
“Taka—,”

  
“I-I’m sorry!” he hastily said as he tried to sink further into the backrest of the couch, “I didn’t mean to do it—,”

  
“What? Almost smashing my head on the table—,”

  
“You were squeezing me to death!” he defended, “My internal organs almost popped out of my mouth, dammit!”

  
Cue some gagging sounds in the background.

  
Toru-san’s mouth twisted in disgust as he stared at his terrified face. There was a long, awkward silence and every second that painfully ticked by, Taka can feel his face blushing under those intense eyes, making him want to violently attack the guitarist and wiped that expression of his damn face—

  
_Aren’t you missing him just a few seconds ago?_

  
Now you want to attack him?

  
_You bipolar piece of shit—this is the reason why everyone’s getting tired of you, mou!_

  
“Really, Taka..?”

  
“Yes, yes dammit gah!!!” he screeched in pure and utter humiliation, “What are you even doing here? And why do you look like you’ve ran a marathon, huh?!”

  
“Well,” Toru-san blandly smiled, sitting back beside him again, “I actually did run—,”

  
“It’s still winter you fucking—what if you get a cold huh?! What if you tripped?! _What if you_ —,” Taka stopped himself mid-sentence, realizing that Toru-san is not looking at him with those cold, blank eyes anymore. He’s not staring like Taka is not there, like he’s invisible, like a fucking wall is easier to look like than his annoying face—instead, Toru-san is looking, gazing at him with big, warm eyes—like he find it amusing that Taka is losing his _shits_ over his well-being, that Taka is ranting about him being a careless leader—

  
_Like the good old days when Toru-san is still stalking the hell out of him—_

  
Memories of Takahiro being scared shitless whenever the guitarist randomly popped out in the cold streets flooded his mind.

  
—okay, maybe not “ _good_ ,” but just the old days, when Toru-san is still stalking the hell out of him and Taka blew his fuse because the guitarist has waited for 2 hours outside—under the freezing weather, his fingertips red, his face pale and his entire being visibly shaking—just to see Taka and persuade him into joining his band.

  
He was so _reckless_.

  
And Taka was an _idiot_ for actually worrying over a complete stranger—but until now, he can still remember how Toru-san’s face soften that night, when Taka practically screamed to the whole wide world how stupid he is for staying outside.

  
He looks _exactly like that_ at this moment.

  
Taka has to swallow— _hard_ —the painful lump that’s forming down his throat as his mind decided to malfunction right at this time. He had missed this—missed those glances, those gazes—missed that warmth emanating from their leader’s disheveled face.

  
It was painful yet so very fucking gratifying all at the same time.

  
It’s odd, how he’s near into breaking down for real earlier, but just a look at Toru-san’s face…  
“… _don’t_ …” a fresh set of tears rolled down his cheeks, “don’t be fucking careless, _mou_!”

  
“Eh?! _Nande_?!” Toru-san was completely taken aback when he suddenly went bawling again, “Why are you crying again?!”

  
“Ohhh!!!” he heard Tomoya whistled, “You’re dead, Toru! You made Takahiro cry again!”

  
_Eh?! He’s still here?!_

  
“I didn’t do anything!”

  
“He has already been crying for minutes now, mou!”

  
“I didn’t do anything—!” Toru-san sounded so panicked and it’s grating loudly onto his ears.

  
“Mou, shut the fuck up, both of you!!!”

  
It’s funny how the two bickering men suddenly went quiet at that. Well, anyone would probably be silent when Taka is glaring at them in full force—albeit with teary eyes—that promises days without proper meals and a shit-ton of ranting and scolding.  
He heaved, as he slowly calmed down. He looked at his side, Tomoya is fiddling with the hem of his sweater like a child who has just been reprimanded. Taka was so close in _feeling so bad_ about it but then Taka remembered that the drummer broke one of his cup so he decided to just shrug it off. Toru-san, on the other hand, is glaring at the coffee table like it personally offended him or something. It was dead silence for a few minuets before Taka deemed it right to finally speak again.

  
“Okay, that was harsh—,”

  
The leader snorted. Taka glared sharp daggers at him.

  
“— _gomen_ , okay? I’m just…really not feeling well right now and all your voices are messing my head further,” he slumped down, “Let’s just…be quiet for a moment, ne?”

  
But Toru-san is probably _extra dumb_ today, so he, of course, did the exact opposite of his wishes.

  
“But how can we talk?”

  
He felt his eye twitch at that. Even more, when Tomoya expressed his own response in a timid manner.

  
“ _Maa_ , you probably need to open your mouth and—,”

  
“Talk?” Taka spat the word like a venom, effectively gathering everyone’s attention, as he turned towards the direction of their leader, “Fine let’s talk so we could finally fucking rest, I’m…” he turned up his open palms in defeat, “I’m just exhausted, see?”

  
Tomoya looked down on his open palms, “…Are we supposed to see something on—,”

  
“Tomoya,” Toru-san—thank fucking god he finally redeemed his ability to think again—gritted out, “Get out.”

  
“Eh?!” Taka and Tomoya gasped in unison. They exchanged confused looks, before he glanced back at the leader who’s eyeing him like he just stabbed him. _Again_. But Toru-san’s eyes remained hard as steel. Full of determination.

  
“He needs to _go_.”

  
_“Why are you talking like you’re gonna kill me gah!!!”_

  
Add the leader’s dark, sunken eyes and Taka would easily believe that he wants to eliminate their drummer. But Taka won’t have any of it, Tomoya is too talented to be _eliminated_! And most importantly, Taka wouldn’t want to be alone with Toru-san now!

  
“But alright,” the oldest sighed, “I’ll leave you two now, ne—,”

  
“No!” he disagreed, earning surprised looks the two. His voice is cracking and he’s almost leaping out of the couch to run after the drummer, “He doesn’t have to go!”

  
“Really, Taka? Do you really want him to hear _whatever_ we’re gonna talk about later?”

  
Taka glanced at their rhythm guitarist. His eyes are tired, but telling him something else—probably his hatred for him now—and that’s when Taka realized that they’re not just gonna talk about his statement of leaving the band. They’re also gonna talk about their _vague_ relationship.

  
Or whatever’s going on between them.

  
The _nameless_ commitment that naturally bloomed between them.

  
For some unknown reason, Taka felt his heart stopped beating at that.

  
What…

  
Is this…

  
_Isn’t it good_?

  
_No_ …

  
_He’s gonna initiate it…_

  
_No need to break him further…_

  
_But…but…_

  
_Toru-san will say it…_

  
_But…_

  
_Aren’t you tired?_

  
_Yes._

  
_Din’t you wanted to go back?_

  
_Yes but—_

  
_Oh you fool thinking that you can have everything—_

  
_I…I—_

  
_Thinking that Toru-san will give you everything—_

  
_Stop…stop…_

  
“N-no!” he croaked out, hands digging into the soft cushion, “I need Tomoya here. What if you get so angry at me, huh?! I won’t be able to take it anymore!” he ignored the concerned look from the drummer and the pained expression on Toru-san’s face, “at least let me have some support if that happens, mou!”

  
“…I won’t _hurt_ you, Taka…” was the rhythm guitarist’s soft words, “…you know that, right?”

  
He glared at him. A part of him wants to believe that, but after what happened earlier? After what Toru-san had said earlier, no one can blame him for doubting their leader’s words.

  
The _words_ that has been his world in the past few years.

  
The _words_ he was desperately clinging onto since he made the decision of joining this band.

  
But there’s still this…this annoying urge to just throw everything off and believe him—trust him like he always did—because he’s Toru-san—

  
His _leader_.

  
His r _hythm guitarist_.

  
His _support_.

  
His _pillar_.

  
His _sanctuary_.

  
His  _home_.

  
“But—,”

  
“It’s alright, Takahiro,” Tomoya said—making Taka snapped his head towards the drummer in pure betrayal— _how dare you_ —but even before he could actually explode, Tomoya the older is already raising his palms in defeat, a small smile forming on his lips, “You should really talk and clear things out with Toruge, here—,”

  
“I already told you not to call me—,”

  
“—but if he hurts you and make you cry again,” Taka and Toru simultaneously gulped when the drummer’s usually high-pitched and energetic voice suddenly went low. It was _creepy_! And it’s even more scary because the smile doesn’t disappeared from the drummer’s face and for a moment, Taka really thought that their ever-patient Tomoya has finally snapped—

  
_Oh shit, shit, better get running to save your ass, Toru-san!_

  
—the guitarist is probably thinking of the same thing because he’s almost ready to jump from the couch— _what the absolute fuck, you’re really gonna leave me here_ —

  
“I will really, _really_ get mad, ne?” Tomoya finally ended, making the two just nod like obedient idiots. Jesus, why is Tomoya suddenly asking like this? _I would die of fear if he’s gonna be like that_ —looking like a psycho— _I’m glad that he’s never snapped at me like that tho_ because Taka would surely die with this intimidating aura that’s practically oozing out of their usually calm and bubbly drummer.

  
“So, be nice and mature and fix things up, ne? We still have recordings to do tomorrow today, okay?”

  
They nodded, and said nothing, because that’s what you do when you’re drummer is smiling so eerily like that. Mindlessly agree on whatever the heck he’s saying.or you’ll be dead— _totally_ dead. The two of them remained still, silently watching as the drummer gather his things and coat before he finally rushed out of Taka’s door.

  
Only when they heard the door banging did they released the breath they’ve been holding in.

  
“What the fuck, what the fuck!” Taka chanted like a retarded chicken, while Toru-san tiredly leaned back on the backseat, his head propping on it as he stared at the expanse of white ceiling above them.

  
“That was so fucking scary!” he muttered, “who would’ve thought that he can pull that shit?!”

  
“Obviously not me!” he said, “If I know about that side of him then I won’t go bullying him right from the start!”

  
Toru-san blankly stared at him.

  
And stared, _more_. If that’s even possible.

  
…

  
…

  
“Fine, _fine_!” Taka finally yielded, “I will probably still bully him coz he looks so kind and weak and he loves getting hit, right?!”

  
Toru-san shrugged, “I don’t know, but he’s a masochist so he probably like it? Just don’t go overboard or you’ll definitely get those stares again,” he visibly shivered at that, “I don’t think I will be able to smack him on the head again after seeing that.”

  
It was Taka’s turn to blankly stare at the rhythm guitarist.

  
“Really, Toru-san? We’re like partners in crime when it comes to bullying him so don’t feed me that bullshit.”

  
“ _Maa_ , I’ll probably just smack him twice a week…” he said, like he’s actually thinking about it, but Taka knows that they both have this affinity for making the drummer weep and scream in pain, so he was not surprised when the guitarist finally gave up after 5 seconds, “Fine, I don’t think that I can stop bullying him. It’s just so hilarious.”

  
“ _Deshou_?!” Taka nodded, as he pulled his knees closer to his chest to hug them again, “I always feel better whenever I do that. He just looks so pure and bright and energetic…it’s also a nice way to calm my nerves before lives so…I think I’ll never stop doing it to him, even if he looks like he can sack and throw us in the Tokyo Bay.”

  
“So does that mean that you’re not gonna quit the band anymore?”

  
Taka jolted at that question, his gaze snapping towards the leader seating beside him. It was funny how Toru-san’s voice went from scared-shitless then to casual before going deep and low—serious and determined—in a blink of an eye.

  
“I…” Taka felt his mouth dried at that. He had said it before, to himself, that he couldn’t— _wouldn’t_ — leave the band despite practically screaming it for the entire world to hear earlier; but being at the receiving end of those dark orbs is a different matter. Toru-san is looking at him with expectant eyes— _and was that a glimmer of hope I’m seeing?—_ silently urging him to just talk.

  
As if it’s _that_ easy.

  
“You…” he started, swallowing couple of times before he spoke again, “You know that I won’t do that. I’m a failure—a pathetic piece of shit—so if I really leave, you know how will I end up, right?”

  
He noticed how Toru-san averted his gaze.

Of course he knows, he was the first one whom Taka showed his vulnerable, broken side years ago. Right in this very unit, right before the sun rises.

  
Like now.

  
“But…but you made it sound…” the leader said, “you made it sound like you’re so sure of it earlier and I…I really got scared, you bastard!”

  
He felt his blood instantly boil at that, “Well, sorry for making you worry over nothing! And it’s not just you who got scared shitless, you fucker! Everything is a mess and I was so scared that you’ll actually drop me just because I can’t do my part anymore—,”

  
“I’m sorry—,”

  
“Just because I can’t fucking spread my legs for you!” he let out a gasp at that, especially when Toru-san’s eyes widened at that. He obviously hit a sore spot, just look at the crestfallen look on the guitarist’s face, as if he’s been smashed with a huge boulder on his face, “I…I…”

  
“You think this is because of that..?”

  
“Then what would it be?” he snapped before shaking his head and dumping it onto his clothed knees. He feels so weak and tired and Toru-san being his usual idiotic self is not really helping to make him calm down, “You started acting like I’ve betrayed you after that night—after I—we…” he shrugged, helpless, “I don’t know what to do anymore, Toru-san, I just…look at what I’ve been doing since then—ruining the band and not giving my best in every live because how can I, how can I sing without any hesitation, how can I confidently sing, how can I look forward and sing the songs you made when you’re…when you’re…”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru inwardly groaned when Taka’s shoulders suddenly shook, soft sniveling sounds coming from the older teen who looks so much smaller, so much fragile and vulnerable now than ever. He knows it, he’s aware that this conversation will not end without anyone of them not bursting into tears—he thought that it _would_ be Taka, anyways—and it looks like he’s right.

  
But he’s not _happy_ to hear that.

  
Not happy to see Taka like _this_.

  
“And…and then I got scared that…” he sniffled between sobs, “That you would replace me because I’m just a pathetic—,”

  
“No!” he surged forward, almost pushing Taka off the couch—karma is a bitch afterall—and making the vocalist screech in shock, his face red and messy form crying, before he accusingly glared at him, “Uhm, I didn’t mean to—,”

  
“You almost pushed me off, Toru-san!”

  
“I didn’t mean to!” he insisted before he tried to hold him, but Taka merely shrugged his hands off—a pain, terrible and deadly, sliced up to his chest at that—, “I just want to…to say that I won’t ever replace you! You’re the band’s precious vocalist!”

  
Taka glanced at him with wide, wary eyes—eyes that has been so trusting and devoted to him throughout the years they’ve been together. Like friends, and _more_. But _never_ lovers. Eyes that shone whenever he’s talking to him, but now, they were dim, doubt flickering across those glassy orbs as he waited for him to say something more.

  
“You’re my _precious_ vocalist,” he said, emphasizing each word as he raised his arm, once again, to reach for the older teen. Taka did flinched, but he didn’t made any move to get away from him or to kick him on his face so it’s probably a good sign, right? “And I will…I will prefer that we disband rather than replace you, you know that?”

  
_Please tell me that you know that._

  
_Please tell me that you’re still believing me._

  
_Please tell me that you still trust me._

  
Because if not…if not…

  
To his immense relief, Taka stopped looking like he’s gonna jump away from him. Instead, he stared at him, warily, before he finally settled down on the couch again, with Toru’s hands on his shoulders. He looks like a scared cat again and Toru knows that he should approach him carefully, or else, he would just hiss and fight and run away from him again.

  
“It’s my fault,” he gulped his pride down, shame burning on his face, “I’ve been immature about it…I should’ve known that you’re gonna be scared, hell, I also freaked out just thinking about it and I—,” he gripped the shoulders tightly, feeling the familiar warmth beneath it and Toru can feel all his resolve collapsing at that, “It’s not an excuse to treat you like that. Acting like the victim and all the shits, but…but I…I can’t do this anymore—,”

  
He heard Taka gasped at that.

  
“—I can’t spend another day with you looking at me like that, like I’ve deprived you of everything, like you’ve lost all your hopes and dreams, like I’ve taken _everything_ from you. I just want to be back to how we always have been? Eating meals together, doing songs together and feeling good about our music together and—,”

  
“And kissing and hugging and touching like we’re together?” Taka suddenly interrupted him, making his breath hitched with the sound of mourning lacing his voice, “Aren't you being the selfish one here?"

 

What do you mean?

  
Why is he saying that Toru is the selfish one when he's the one who actually wanted to cut him off?

  
"I can do the...the usual stuffs we do," he said, and then Toru was attacked by this sudden feeling of nervousness, of _anxiousness_ , his mind racing because that doesn't sound right—it's like Taka wants to say more and that Toru would definitely not like it—

  
"I'll cook meals for you, you could sleep here with me and we could spend the day being idiots, creating music and listening to foreign songs..." the vocalist said, before averting his tear-streak face. A small smile is plastered on his quivering lips and Tour is left confused, blindly searching for the implications of Taka's words. "We could eat out again, get drunk, get high and sweaty during performances, laughing and crying together..." he shrugs ans Toru held his breath waiting for the magic word—

  
"But..."

  
DAMN. HERE IT IS.

  
Taka's entire frame shook, his shoulders wracking as he suddenly burst into tears, and Toru finds it _unfair_ how the vocalist could use those wide glassy, tear-filled eyes to get what he wants. It's not fair that he could cry and make the world go weak on their knees just by the miserable sound of it and Toru wants to kick himself for actually falling for it.

  
He don't want to see Taka crying like this anymore, don't want to see him sniveling like the world has just destroyed him.

  
"...but..?" he asked, voice low and hushed, barely above a whisper as his fists tightened their hold onto the vocalist's clothes.

  
But _what_?

What's the catch?

  
"But..." Taka looked straight to him, and Toru felt his soul blasted into pieces with that broken, broken look on his vocalist's face—he had never seen Taka looking like that before, _not_ when he'a stalking him, _not_ when he's getting annoyed at him for persuading him into joining the band, _not_ when he was rejected by everyone else because he went there glaring and shits, _not_ when he told Toru his past, _not_ when they Yu left them, _not_ when they had their first Monster Bash performance, _not_ when Taka's health dwindled, _not_ even after they kissed for the first time.

  
This was new— _more heart wrenching and soul-sucking_ —and Toru wonders on when this would end, when would this long, long night would come to an end, and when he could see Taka's bright grin again.

  
"But _kissing_...and all the other stuffs we've been doing recently," he hiccuped and Toru doesn't need any more elaborate explanations because those words were enough for him to understand that Taka wants _out_ , Taka wants this to really stop and that he has been a fool—a _huge idiot_ —for thinking that somehow, this conversation would bring good outcomes not these...

  
These pains in his chest as he glared at the wall behind Taka, glared the ever living shits out of it because he doesn't want to make Taka think that he's giving him sharp looks.

Even if he really, _really_ wanted to.

  
"I can't do them anymore, w-we shouldn't be doing them anymore," Taka gasped for air and Toru just watched it all because _duh_ , he's still shell-shocked remember? His heart is getting torn into fucking pieces so give me a break, mou! "They just...just bring complications and...and sooner or later, we will meet more shits and I...I really don't want to go through this hell again??"

  
He really shouldn't have listened to Alex-senpai back then. He shouldn't have pursued this feeling, look what it brought him—

  
Pain, pain and _more_ pain.

  
_Maybe I should punch Alex-snepai the next time I see him, just for the heck of it? Because this fucking hurts, dammit!_

  
"M-maybe," he blurted out in desperation, "maybe we won't gonna fuck up in the future...? Maybe we could still...I could still..?"  
Toru hates the desperation in his voice, hates the day Taka mournfully shook his head across him even more.

  
"D-do you really believe that shit, Toru-san?" he asked and Toru was too stunned to even form a coherent sentence.

  
"Guuh—uhh—ahhh,"

  
_Wow. Smart. Really smart, Toru. I just hope that Takahiro can understand caveman language—_

  
"See? I think so too," he sniffled, rubbing his red-rimmed eyes.

  
Well, apparently, he _can_.

  
Anyways, Toru's hands automatically pried those smaller ones away from Taka's puffy eyes. He might hate Taka's decision but he still—and will always—care for him, even if he pushes him away, because he's probably just Tomoya.

  
A masochist.

  
But only when it comes to Taka— _fucking_ —hiro.

  
"It's gonna be like that because...because I'm doomed to fuck things up," the vocalist said, looking up at him but not making any move to pry his hands away—which were now gently brushing those tears away with his thumbs. "And I don't want to drag you and drag the band and everyone else with me so...so..."

  
_Ah, Taka._..

  
"You're really a selfish person," he said, his eyes watching as Taka's own orbs widened in disbelief because he just spat those words without any hint of remorse, "Always deciding things on your own, but how about _me_? Did you even thought of my feelings before you suddenly thought to end it all? Did you even realized how painful this is for me?!" he growled, making the smaller man flinched on his spot.

  
"D-don't fucking shout at me!"

  
"Then don't fucking disregard my feelings like this!" he shouted back, forcing Taka's face to look straight at him, "You just want to save yourself from all the shits but at what cost?! You're gonna throw me away—,"

  
"No!"

  
"—throw all those moments we've shared—,"

  
"N-no!"

  
"—like a fucking _trash_!" he panted out, his blood sizzling through his veins, clouding his judgment once more, before he realized that Taka is starting to heave again.

  
"I won't, I wouldn't because Toru-san will always be the _most important person_ in my life!" he spat back, tears spilling with every shake of his head, "but the band is also important to me, to Tomoya, to Ryota, even to that perverted alien-otaku! And I won't risk this getting ruined even further just because we had another argument, just because we couldn't keep our dicks in our pants, just because we won't allow ourselves to get fucked by each other!"

  
Toru felt his patience and all his reasons snap at that.

  
" Is that all what you want?" he lowly said, "Would you change your mind if I say that I'll let you fuck me, huh?!"

  
WHAT.

  
You should have seen how Taka's eyes almost popped out of their sockets at that. Heck, even Toru's own widened to the point that he can hear his lids cracking and tearing because _holy shit_ did he just actually said that—

  
"...what?" Taka wa clearly taken aback by that, as he looked up at him with wide, disbelieving eyes, "would you really do—I mean, this is not about that, Toru-san!" he said, probably trying to regain his composure.

  
Toru snorted at that, "could've fooled me."

  
"Don't make me punch you in your face, Toru-san!" he scowled, prying his hands away from his heated cheeks, " I'm serious here! You know it's not about that, yeah, maybe this all started that night, but...but it's more than that! I just wanted to go back when everything is normal, when everyone is having fun, when everything between us is so simple and, and—,"

  
"Idiot, _baka_ , stupid Takahiro!!!"

  
When will Taka realize that they can _never_ go back, that _Toru_ could never go back to the Toru who was confused and in denial of his feelings for the vocalist? When will Taka realize that he could never go back to where they can sleep together _without_ him hugging Taka's softer frame, sitting beside each other _without_ leaning for a kiss, and waking up _without_ feeling this inexplicable desire to find Taka and just spend the day together with him? When will Taka realize that he's hurting, pushing that sword into his heart and stab it over and over again?

  
_But he's different,_ the rational part of his mind supplied, _you know that he's not like you, that despite all those heated moments you've shared_ —be it in the backstage or under the dark stairs or inside a cramped public toilet or in the solace and warmth of your units—Taka is not harboring the same feelings growing within you? That despite all these kisses and embraces and the tons of times Taka stared up at you with tired, exhausted yet so fuming contented eyes, the vocalist is not feeling the same— _wouldn't_ feel the same—because he's probably just seeing you as his fuck buddy.

  
Toru wanted to laugh at that.

  
Now he understands what Taka must've felt when he thought that he could be easily replaced.

  
"The one calling me an idiot is also an idiot!"

  
"You're not even making sense!" he said through clenched teeth, "How far would you want to go back?"

  
Taka stared up at him in confusion.

  
"Just before we started doing stuffs? Or back when you don't even want anyone to touch you, back when you don't trust anyone—not Tomoya, not _even me_?! Or, or back when I was just a mere stranger, a stalker, a huge annoyance to you, huh?! Tell me?!"

  
"Don't fucking shout at me!"

  
"Then don't be a fucking selfish idiot!" he yelled back before his voice went mellow and low, "You know...you know this....this doesn't started over night, right? It has been there all along, and every fucking day of our fucking lives that we spent together—,"

  
Taka looked down, biting his lips in pure agony.

  
"—we made it stronger and deeper, so no, don't fucking tell me that you want to go back because from the moment you took my hand back then, you're...you're..."

  
_Already mine._

  
_My vocalist._

  
_My closest friend._

  
_My...my._..

  
"But I...I don't want pain...I don't want to ruin things anymore..." Taka whimpered across him, "I ruined my parents',and I don't want to...don't want to..."

  
Toru inwardly groaned at that. Taka is different, his mind said for god-knows-how-many-times already. Even if he's like a _horny_ _bunny_ , he's still have this issues to battle with himself and no matter how many times he would reassure Toru that he's ready for something like this, he would probably not believe it anymore.

  
He's not ready.

  
_And will never be_ as long as he clings to his past.

  
Not until he realized his own feelings...

  
He's scared of getting hurt, scared of pain.

  
He's crying and Toru—depsite the feeling that someone just plunged their hands into his chest to squeeze the shit out of his heart like a gore-movie—will do everything, anything just to stop the vocalist from shedding those tears again.

  
_I don't want to see it._

  
_I don't want to see it ever again._

  
He should've been _prepared_ for this.

Somewhere deep within his mind, he had already knew that this day would come because, let's face it, a relationship between two men will bring nothing. They have a career to focus to, and Taka, being the ever determined fucker he is, sees the band as something more important than everything else.

  
Than _everyone_ else.

  
Than _Toru_ himself.

  
And...and he wants to laugh at that because he's supposed to be the one thinking, prioritizing the band, and not dragging it down with his personal problems. He was the _leader_ , be it forced or not, for fuck's sake.

  
And more, importantly, he was the one who promised Takahiro that he won't let him cry ever again, but what did he do? What was he doing? The complete opposite of it.

  
_Was it too much?_

  
Had he squeezed his feelings too much? Had pushed and _pushed_ , testing the limits of their newly formed bond, until Taka snapped?

  
Had he _suffocated_ him with his affections? With his constant need of being together, with his burning desire to monopolize him??

  
Was he _wrong_?

  
Was this _wrong_?

  
" I don't want complicated things..." he said, making Toru choke back a sob—heck, he won't cry, it's Taka who's crying so he should be strong because if they both crumble down then—then—, "I just want to back to those times...simple times..."

  
And he was bawling again. Jesus. Taka can sure cry a river over things that distressed him the most huh??

But..will this be the end?

  
Toru would do anything—everything for Taka and their band—but to actually stop these tremendous feelings withing him?

  
Hell, _no_.

  
It's not like even he knows how to do it, heck, if he does, then he could've done it even before he fell so fucking hard. They won't have to come to this.

  
So, _no_.

  
Toru's brows furrowed in concentration as he silently regarded the crying mess of a vocalist beside him, he gently turned him to face him, warm, calloused fingers encasing those tear-streak cheeks. Taka looked up at him in confusion—replaced by shock and disbelief when he suddenly leaned down, capturing those quivering lips with his own.

  
Taka tastes like the snow, the house and green tea.

  
No, no, Toru won't give this shit up. Not after all the things that he went through just to finally have Taka like this, _hold_ Taka like this, _kiss_ Taka like this.

  
"Toru— _mphhh_ ,"

  
He silenced him with another one, delving his tongue into that mouth that can do wonders to him—sing great songs and make everyone cheer up just by smiling at them—tasting and memorizing every nook and cranny, _burning_ his scent, the feeling of his skin against his into his mind.

  
Taka might not have realized it yet, but Toru is sure, that a day would come that the vocalist would realize how he feels for him.

He knows it's twisted to think. To assume things like that but hey, they're already in this level of relationship and despite lacking the formal label on it, he knows that this is just being more than friends—more than fuck buddies.

  
_It's so so much more than that._

  
Taka's hands rose to pry his own but he won't relent, not even Taka is already averting his face away from him, his breathing ragged, his eyes casting him worried, bewildered gazes.

  
"Wha—ha..?"

  
So _no_ , Toru won't give him up, but he would set him free this time...just this time...until the vocalist could realize how much of an _idiot_ he is for casting away this precious bond in place of a purely platonic and professional one.

  
"Fine," he exhaled, the words felt heavy in his mouth, before he leaned back to give Taka some more space to breath, "Let's do that."

  
It's funny how Taka's eyes went wide at that. It's as if he wasn't expecting Toru to go along with his decisions, _that_ , or he's hurt that the rhythm guitarist didn't even put up a fight, to stand against his selfish actions.

  
"R-really?"

  
Toru hated the way how Taka's shoulders sagged in relief at that. He hated the way how Taka's eyes regarded him with gratitude, like he's doing a great thing by conceding with his wishes, and not stabbing himself withe a huge-ass knife.

  
"Yeah," he shrugged, "We could try, going back to whatever we are before that night. Before you pounced on me—,"

  
"I didn't pounced on you!" he started but Toru's gaze is hard as steel, cold as ice, that made Taka stutter like a kid in his next sentences, "Maa, maybe a bit but...but you liked it right? It's not just one-sided, right?!"

  
He pursed his lips, _as if you know a thing about one-sided affairs._

  
"Speak up, asshole!"

  
"Hai, hai, I obviously liked it," he said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head a she averted his gaze, "And I still do, will do but you don't want it so I'll just stop—,"

  
_For a while._

  
"—and let shits go naturally," he said before glancing back at the vocalist, "How about you? You...you liked them right? I didn't forced you in anything you don't want, right?"

  
Taka wiped thr tears off his eyes, thank god, before he huffed—puffing his cheeks like a blow fish— _wait, will he also be good at blow jo—_ , "Of course! I would've smacked you to death if you were forcing me. I liked it...love them all..."

  
Toru felt a twinge of pain in his heart at that. If that's the case, then why..?

  
"But I don't...I'm not ready to deal with the shits that come along it..." he softly mumbled.

  
_Selfish. Selfish, to the end huh._

  
"So..uh...are we good?"

  
Toru looked down at him, noticing how red those eyes are, how tired the vocalist looked, how his eyes searched for his response, for his reassurance, for his support and once again, Toru find himself torn between hating and loving Takahiro.

  
He wants to hate him for playing him like this, like a game _but how could he_ , when Taka looks so small, when Taka looks so fucking fragile that one wrong move might shatter him into thousands of pieces? How can he hate him, when Taka is looking at him like that, like he's hus world, like he's his everything and like his words would mean the fucking universe to him?

  
When will this end?

  
This...this suffocating power they have over each other?

  
Not now, _not yet_.

  
Toru grunted, ruffling Takahiro's hair, loving how the older teen automatically leaned on his touch— _like how it's supposed to be._

  
"Yeah," he gruffly said, each gulp feels like he's swallowing shards of broken glass—his broken heart—, "We're good. We'll be alright..."  
It's a lie, of course, but Taka doesn't have to know it.

  
_One day,_ Toru would have to stop pretending that this is okay; _one day,_ Taka would come running back to him, and Toru would have to wait patiently until that day comes.

 

 

 

Until this tiring game ends for real.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Remember when some people actually blamed Taka for his parents' divorce?  
> -sorry if they didn't actually made up here?? At least they've reached some compromise??
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, please tell me what you think!
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading.


	45. The Same As

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It doesn't matter if it's in  
> dreams, sad or lonely times  
> you'll always be next to me!  
> And we hold every moment  
> ’Cause that’s what family is for."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need the lifting up. I'm so empty I can't even give anything to anyone anymore.
> 
> BTW, does anyone of you knows how to insert links in ao3? Like I want to link the translated works and the related fanarts in their respective stories, but I suck at those shits?? Your help would be veeeery much appreciated~
> 
> Also, tomorrow would be the last day for the survey hohoho I'm kinda excited to see your prompts! You can still send them tho~! Here's the link for the form: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1RveIW3fZ4IGYe8f7kSaH_5d50Gpwbk4CXsbfppp9XpA/viewform?edit_requested=true
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. OOR is not, and will never be, mine.

Ryota nervously shifted on his feet as he stood in front of their studio. He came here straight from school, still wearing his uniform and coat, because Tomo-kun said that they will be starting to record a new song. He doesn’t want to raise his hopes up, but the fact that they’re doing another song must’ve meant _something_ right?

_Mori-chan and Toru-nii has probably made up, right?_

Because if not…if not…

_Mou! I should just go inside and save myself from this anxiousness!_

But he couldn’t. In fact, he’s been standing here—outside in the late winter—lingering a bit more than necessary and trying to buy more time before he meets the other members again. What happened the last time they’ve ben recording is still fresh in his mind—Toru-nii saying harsh things to Mori-chan and the vocalist saying that he’ll quit the band.

He was scared— so _fucking scared_ because he just started to enjoy being a proper band man! And if their leader and vocalist would continue going for each other’s throat like that, Ryota doesn’t know how long he could take it.

The band will definitely collapse in its own—dragging _everyone and everything_ they’ve accomplished in the past few months—and he don’t want that. _Never._ But what scared him the most was that…that something definitely happened between Mori-chan and his Toru-nii—something _great_ , something _terrible_ , something that could make the two—the closest one, the ones who were constantly together, whether it includes band works or during their day offs, the ones who were practically glued to each other— _ehh, that sounds weird, mou!—break up,_ give cold stares and spit harsh words to each other.

No one is telling him anything but he knows that Alex-senpai, and probably even Tomo-kun, were aware of what’s happening between the two. No one is telling him a shit, probably because he’s the youngest, because he’s the most stupid of them all but not knowing a thing when everyone is getting affected by it, is much, much worse right?

_Graduation is coming and I can’t even focus on it!_

How can he? When every time he stared on the chalk board in their classroom, he can still see Mori-chan’s devastated face, Toru-nii’s cold, intimidating look, and the horrified expressions on the two oldest members of the band. He must have looked like a complete idiot then, mouth hanging open, eyes comically wide as he stared at his two beloved members.

That’s why…that’s why he wanted to be an adult quicker, _faster._

So he can see what the other members can see, so he can what the other members can, so he can understand whatever he _couldn’t_ at the moment.

He groaned for the umpteenth time, his shaking hands grabbing the knob while hoping— _praying_ —that tonight would be different.

_I just want to eat dinner with everyone again, mou…was that too much to ask for...?_

 

Ryota was expecting to be greeted by an empty studio, with nothing but the wires and instruments and cases littering the room. He was expecting that he’s the first one to be there, wallowing in the semi-darkness of the underground room, as he fiddled with his bass—the instrument cradled on his lap as he waited and waited for the other members.

So, imagine his immense surprise when instead of a lonely, empty room, he was greeted by the sight he had so, so much missed in the past few weeks.

“Eh!!! I give up, I give up!!!”

Tomo-kun’s screeching filled the room, making the bassist jump on the top of the stairs. He can see the drummer on the floor, helplessly screaming and laughing while Mori-chan is pouncing on him, tickling his sides as he straddled the older man.

“How dare you scare us like that huh?!” Mori-chan said, his full lips stretched in a wide grin. Sure his eyes were still puffy, red along the rims, and his movements were kinda sluggish but Ryota could easily tell how gleeful their vocalist is, at the moment, “So you have guts now, huh?! Huh?!”

“ _Matte, matte, matte_ AHHHH!!!”

Ryota wanted to cover his ears at that loud, piercing scream that threatened to shatter his eardrums but he was frozen on his spot, staring at the vista sprawled across him. He had missed this— _no, he’s still not into bullying Tomo-kun_ —those loud, pig-like noises from the drummer, those evil-like laughter from their vocalist and—

“Heh, that’s right,” he heard his Toru-nii said, the rhythm guitarist standing beside the two figure on the floor, warms crossed with an equally wide grin on his usually frowning lips, “Teach him a lesson, _mou!_ He should know his damn place!”

“I’m the oldest one here, you punk kids _gahahahahahaha_!!!” Tomo-kun madly giggled when Mori-chan launched another tickling attacks on his now exposed sides.

Ryota felt his mouth went dry at that, a painful lump forming down into his throat as his Toru-nii’s voice and deep chuckles filled the air. Why are they like that? Why are they laughing and teasing and bullying the hell out of Tomo-kun as if nothing happened? Why are they teaming up against the poor drummer as if they weren’t spitting curses towards each other las night? Why are they…why are they shining like that, their eyes sparkling and mouth strewn wide in boyish grins, as if they didn’t just make Ryota worry like fuck?

_Why?_

Is it because they’re adults?!

Is this because Ryota’s still a teen, making him unable to understand things?!

Even so, they still don’t have the right to make him feel like this—scared and worried and anxious—over nothing! And now… _now…_

Tears filled his vision, the figures of his band members blurring in the distance. He was assaulted by that weird feeling again—the need to be accepted into their circle, the need to be reassured that he’s needed, wanted, loved, the need to be included in those rambunctious antics, giggling fits and rough-housing.

The need to be included in their little _fucked up family._

For some reason, he can see himself in Mori-chan’s unit again—breaking down into pathetic sobs when Yu-senpai left them hanging in the air. He was so scared, so pressured, feeling so left out that he lashed out to everyone. He broke down and it was Mori-chan and Toru-nii who picked every pieces of him and bring him together again.

And he felt guilty and ashamed that he _couldn’t do the same_ —that he couldn’t mend the relationship between the two, and instead, just watched the two of them fall apart.

And now, they’re suddenly went back to being the best of buddies and Ryota’s fragile mind couldn’t handle it anymore—

He sniffed back a sob—effectively gathering everyone’s attention to himself. There were three pairs of eyes zooming at his direction, and he was instantly attacked with this stupid timidness that his Toru-nii had warned him before.

“Ahh!!!” Tomo-kun yelled, looking at him in an upside-down manner, “Help me, Ryota!!! These two are planning to kill me!!!”

“No one dies because of too much laughing, idiot,” Toru-nii said, pausing for a moment as if he’s thinking about the validity of his words.

“ _Erh_ ,” Mori-chan cocked his head towards the rhythm guitarist, “I think it’s _possible_ to actually kill someone—,”

Tomo-kun started struggling like a pig that’s about to be slain for its meat— _wait, what’s with that odd analogy, gah!—_

“ _Tasukete_!!! Mou!!!” Mori-chan laughed, but that was short-lived because the drummer rolled them over, making the vocalist land on his back on the cold hard floor— “Gah!”—while Tomo-kun scrambled towards the recording room, his long hair in a mess and his clothes were ruined, like someone had just harassed him or something.

“The fuck—!” Mori-chan gasped on the floor, glaring at their leader when, instead of helping him up, he just doubled over and laugh at their vocalist who’s practically rolling on the floor, “Don’t fucking laugh and help me up, you stupid gachapin!”

“Ha! That’s what you get for being mean!”

“We’re in this together, you fucker!”

“But you _look good_ lying on the floor like that.”

“WHAT.”

Cue Tomo-kun’s violent coughing fit in the background. There was a sudden tensed silence, mori0chan glaring at their rhythm guitarist, which was met by Toru-nii’s smug, clueless look on his face.

“You will _not_ look good after I kick you in your face, Toru-san,” he threatened, and it made Ryota to rush down—because he doesn’t want to witness another fight, not now that the two is talking and causally throwing insults at each other, not ever—but then he forgot how slippery it can be when he just gets in, and before he knew it, he’s already rolling down the stairs—

“ _Gu-gu-gu-gah_!!!”

With Mori-chan screaming as he rolled beside the vocalist on the floor. He groaned, feeling like someone had just hit him with a wrecking ball, his joints and muscles screaming in pain as he blinked up at the white ceiling above him.

“Wha—,”

The light was then covered with Mori-chan’s concerned face, looking down at him with wide, worried eyes, “Jesus fucking Christ, what the heck happened?! Are you alright—,”

“He just rolled down the stairs,” he heard Toru-nii said somewhere beside him, “Of course _he’s not_ alright—,”

“Did I even asked for your opinion, Toru-san? Shut the fuck up and call the fucking ambulance will you!?”

“Oh god, he’s dying, _he’s dying_ ,” Tomo-kun frantically chanted in the background, “Don’t go towards the light, Ryota! There’s no guarantee that there would be food there, _ack_ —!”

He groaned when Mori-chan unceremoniously leaned above him to smack their drummer onto his head, jostling Ryota’s aching muscles. _Why do they have to fight above me?!_ Hello, there’s an injured and _possibly dying person here_ , mou!

“I think he’s alright,” Toru-nii loomed above him, holding three fingers across his eyes, “If x to y equals 5 to 3, what is the value of x + y?”

“ _Mou_ , Toru-nii!” he groaned, trying to push the two men grinning and hovering above him, “You know I hate Math!” he said as he finally, albeit slowly, rose in a sitting position. Toru-nii looked so satisfied with his out-of-the-blue Algebra equation—

“I told you he’s fine.”

—while Mori-chan immediately started fussing on him, like his Mom would do.

“How are you feeling? Did you hit your heard? Why are you so clumsy? What if you get paralyzed for being an idiot?!” he fired questions after questions, making his head hurt with the loud voice that’s practically just beside his ears. He was about to tell the vocalist to kindly… _uhm, how does Mori-chan say that again? Kindly fuck off? Yep, that’s it._ He was about to say that to the older teen, but then, he felt a warm, soft hand brushing the hair off his face—it reminds him of home, of his Nee-chan, of his mother back in Osaka—, “You scared the hell out of me!” he said, before adapting a softer tone, “Be more careful from now on, ne? _ne_?”

Ryota couldn’t speak, as he gets lost in those almond-shaped eyes that were so tired yet so warm and tender-looking—and he was assaulted, again, by this overwhelming relief, and happiness that everything’s finally back to normal, that Mori-chan is not sulking in the corner anymore, that Toru-nii is not ignoring the vocalist anymore and it was too much, too fucking much for his young mind to handle and before he knew it, he’s already sobbing in happiness—

“Eh?! Eh!? Ryota?!” Mori-chan’s panicked voice filled his ears, but he couldn’t think, couldn’t respond to it anymore. He just wanted… _he just wanted…_

“Oh shit!” Tomo-kun said, “You made him cry, Mori-chan!”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Now you feel what I felt when you suddenly burst out crying earlier—,”

“Shut the fuck up, Toru-san!” warm hands landed on his back to soothe him, comfort him, make him feel like he’s needed and valued—protected like a child—, “Stop crying, mou! I’ll cook curry after our recording and I’ll give you Toru-san’s portion, so stop crying like a brat gah!!!”

“Why mine?!” Toru-nii protested, “Why not Tomoya’s?!”

_“Why am I being dragged into this?!”_

Ryota wanted to say that he doesn’t really care about extra portions, that he doesn’t really want to have Toru-nii glaring at him over the dining table, but the thought of finally— _fucking finally_ —having dinner with everyone again was too appealing that his mind stopped functioning for a moment as he cried and laughed against Mori-chan’s clothes, with everyone fussing over him, until Alex-senpai came, stared at them with wide, disbelieving eyes, before joining them on the floor.

Ryota cried even harder at that, and for once, he just wanted this moment— _where everyone is laughing, grinning and exchanging cusses and jokes and shits about almost everything_ —to last forever.

And if that means that he would have to wait a lot longer to finally be an adult, then… _so be it._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any kind of feedbacks would be very much appreciated~! Thanks for reading!


	46. Ending Story??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler. Filler.
> 
> "The never ending story of  
> (How you bring me up just to bring me pain)  
> But this is just one of your games  
> (I’ve had it up, you will never ever change)  
> Try to picture moving on  
> I wanna picture worth my time  
> A thousand words for every tear of mine"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poll has ended~! And I'm excited to read the prompts (I didn't had the time to do it yesterday because I was so emotionally unstable blah blah blah) from you! Thank you so much for participating in it!
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is like a transition one. Nothing really happened here, well, nothing important coz I just missed writing these kinds of stuffs? Does that even makes sense?
> 
>  
> 
> NOTE:  
> Also, you might have heard of the campaign(??) that **01 Rocha Ok - ONE OK ROCK Traduções** (a Brazilian OOR fanpage), along with One Ok Rock Argentina and OOR MX. It's the **answeroorfans** made for the fanmade stuffs, including banners and shirts from the recent world tour, which were up for auction in Japan. You might find me annoying sharing this stuff even here, but hey, maybe one of you is an admin for a local fanpage/group, or maybe you have a lot of followers (which I do not have LOL)--and I'm hoping that you could **share** them, until we finally get the answers and some **actions** regarding it. Tho, I think there has been some development recently? You can check out the tag #answeroorfans for more details. I thank you from the bottom of heart if you will be doing it. 
> 
>  
> 
> And so, let's go on to this non-sense chapter~!
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine.

Everything slowly went back to normal— _at least_ , that’s what Taka is telling himself in the past few days after his very emotional, very harsh confrontation with Toru-san. He knows that both of them are struggling to do it, act normal, as if they had fucking forgotten all the harsh words and painful thumps within their chest—struggling to act as if they hadn’t crossed the line, to act like they were back into being just _fucking friends._

Just friends—without the _fucking._

Taka snorted at that, making the ever-perceptive guitarist’ who’s sitting beside him throw a confused look at his direction, “What’s wrong?”

They’re currently alone in his unit— _like the good old days_ —with Taka listening to their newest demo on the couch, while Toru-san is idly playing his guitar beside him. The sight screamed fucking normalcy, but he’s not _that_ dumb to miss the thick tension hanging in the air.

It’s suffocating, especially when he’s thrown under those smoldering gazes. It feels like Toru-san is… _for the lack of better term_ , undressing him with those heavily-lidded eyes—even if they already reached a compromise to stop doing those things.

Stop those _feelings._

And more importantly, stop looking like they’re constantly wanting to get into each other’s pants, _mou!_

“Nothing,” he shrugged, but those eyes which were boring holes at the side of his head didn’t relent, “Maybe because I don’t feel like doing this song anymore. It sucks.”

“You’re always saying that,” Toru-san adjusted the guitar on his lap as he leaned back on the couch, “But you’re the one who made this, right?”

“Wow,” he blandly said, “Is that your way of telling me that my composition sucks?”

“Your words, not mine— _umnph—_!”

Toru-san didn’t even manage to finish that smart-sy comment when Taka flung a pillow on his dumb face. He huffed, and was about to throw the laptop on the leader’s face just for the heck of it, but then he realized that it _wasn’t his_ in the first place— _and this is where all our demos are stored_ —so he just glared the ever living daylights out of that handsome face.

“Why are you always throwing things at me!?”

“Because you’re pissing me off!” he snapped, not really knowing why his blood is practically boiling just at the mere sight of Toru-san. Huh. Maybe because it’s the stupid smirk on his face, whenever Taka caught him staring at his face. _And ass—_

 

 

Because, _god_ , Taka _did_ freak out when after one certain live, he felt that someone is staring at him. He could feel the hairs at his nape standing on their tips, and for a moment, he almost cried for Toru-san to save him from ghosts or _yokai_ or any shit—but then, he turned around, which is a _stupid move, to be the honest_ _because what if it’s actually a ghost,_ only to see _said_ Toru-san shamelessly ogling his behind—or more specifically—his _ass_ from the darkest corner of the back stage.

And it gives him the creeps, even more that what he felt when the rhythm guitarist was still stalking him!

It wasn’t the _last time_ he caught the leader doing that, and every fucking time that he did, Toru-san would just smirk—that annoying lopsided smirk that makes him look a hundred—Taka was about to say a _thousand_ but that’s just probably his mind _being biased and all_ —times better, if it’s under normal circumstances.

Except that it _wasn’t._

That they’re in a dark live house.

With Toru-san smirking and staring at him like that.

_Jesus fucking Christ_ —Taka always feel like he’s gonna piss in his pants at that. It’s scary, mou! His bladder feels like it’s gonna explode—or maybe that’s just his _dick_ not being able to control the urge to show “interest” whenever the leader is looking at him like that. Huh.

_What-the-fuck-ever._

 

 

 

Back to the matter at hand. He pointed a not-so slender finger towards the baffled guitarist, “And your hair is pissing me off! Didn’t I already told you to cut it!?”

“What’s wrong with my hair?” Toru-san idly played with the now-curly stands of his growing hair, “I didn’t bitch you out when you decided to make yourself look like a _chubby porcupine_ , remember?”

“WHAT.”

He inched a bit closer to the MacBook, just in case he would need to fling it to its owner’s face.

“And besides,” much to Taka’s slight…disgust, the leader even had to flip his hair like he’s in a shampoo commercial while giving him his signature smirk— _that I really, really want to wipe off his goddamned face at the moment—_ , “We’re not together, so you don’t have the authority to order me around, remember?”

Oh. _Oh._

So _that’s_ what this is about.

The words were uttered in a nonchalant manner, but it sliced through Taka’s heart like a huge-ass knife. Dammit. Toru-san sure sounds so fucking _bitter_ about it huh? Well, Taka does too but he’s not throwing it at the guitarist in a passive aggressive manner like this! And why is he fiddling with his hair like that?! It doesn’t make him look like a model, mou! It’s ugly!

_Look at that!_

Toru-san is making him act like a fucking kid! He’s supposed to be the matured one here, he’s the older remember? He’s not supposed to…go along with whatever Toru-san is playing, that will definitely not end well.

They might get into another heated argument again.

Or worse, Toru-san might attack him and go for his ass!

…

Taka frowned at that, conveniently ignoring the eyes that’s following and cataloguing his every movement, every reaction he made—which is really, _really_ creepy—Toru-san _won’t do that, right_? He still respects him, respect Taka’s decision, respect their vague relationship and all the years they’ve spent together, right?

…

…

But then Taka remembered all those weird stares and ogling making a shiver run down to his spine—

_Oh, okay, maybe Toru-san could actually do it._ He’s a perverted gachapin, in the first place. _But I would totally kick him in the balls. Twice,_ just to make sure that he won’t ever reproduce in the future.

…

“Oh yeah,” he snorted as he leaned on the back rest and regarded the leader with annoyed looks, “So does that means that I could also do whatever I want without you bitching about it?”

“But you _always do_ whatever the fuck you want in the first place,” Taka blink when the guitarist deadpanned those words.

Oh, alright, conversation’s over—

“—Isn’t that what you did that night?” Taka winced because _gah, I should’ve known that every conversation would lead to this one shit shit wrong fucking move, stupid Taka gah!_

“Fine, fine, it’s my fault, okay?!” he snapped in irritation, even throwing his hands in the air for a dramatic flair, “I already said that I’m sorry, and we made up, _end of story_ —,”

He averted his eyes when Toru-san narrowed his own at that part.

“—we should just focus on, I don’t know,” he shrugged for emphasis, “more important things, don’t you think so, Toru-san?”

“What’s more important than—,”

“How about Ryota’s graduation!” he shrieked, desperately trying to avoid another shit-storm of feels he’s about to get if they continued on talking about the shitty event they just went through. “His graduation is coming, right? Do you think he’ll stay with us even after that?”

Toru-san didn’t look a bit amused with the sudden change of topics, but Taka sighed a breath of relief when the guitarist didn’t pursue the cursed conversation anymore. He just wished that he could look a bit more…happier because they’re ever stupid youngest member is now— _finall_ y—graduating from high school.

“I told him to stay with us and not go to college.”

“WHAT.”

“Just kidding, heh,”

_Don’t fucking “heh” me, you bastard!_

“I think he will stay with us even without me telling him to do it,” the guitarist smugly shrugged, “I mean, what would he do with his life without his beloved Toru-nii?” he asked, drawing the term of endearment the bassist has been using in the past few years. And hearing _“Toru-nii”_ straight out of Toru-san’s mouth makes him cringe and had this urge to punch him to shut him up.

“The fuck?!” he hissed, “You’re really a narcissist asshole, huh?!”

“I’m just stating the truth! I bet he’ll say those exact words if you ask him about his plans for graduation!”

“Oh yeah?! Well then, let’s ask him right after his ceremony,” he declared, a grin forming on his lips while Toru-san started shaking his head in disagreement because he’s just like that—practically born to disagree to whatever he’s saying—, “Let’s go to his graduation day!”

“Oh, hell no!” Toru-san looks like Taka is offering something nasty too him—and by nasty, _I mean, slimy things or bugs or snakes or anything that Toru-san hates_ , not something that includes getting naked and dirty—, “Aren’t you banned in our school for like, an eternity for all the shits you’ve pulled?!”

Taka felt quite offended at that, “How dare you, Toru-san!” he dramatically gasped, “It’s not just me who stole the school band’s airtime in that festival! It’s not just me who had a fist fight with Alex during his graduation—,” he paused, when Toru-san cocked an eyebrow at him, “— _Maa_ , that one was just me, but hey! Getting banned is not an excuse to not attend _our precious_ Ryota’s graduation!”

…

They exchanged looks at that.

Before they started gagging at the word _“precious.”_

“Damn, why are you talking like Ryota’s your kid, huh!?” Toru-san said, frowning in disgust at his rather poor choice of words, “You’re not his _mother_!”

“But you’re his _brother_!” he cried back, before adapting a softer tone, “ _Maa_ , at least the kid looks up to you like a charming big brother. So we really should go to his graduation. You and me—,”

“Alright—,”

“—and Alex and even Tomoya,” he grinned when the guitarist lips were instantly pulled down into a frown, “We would support him and clap for him! Like a little family, ne?”

“Hell no,” Toru-san immediately back away, with Taka smiling so sweetly up at him—you know, the kind of smile that would make you puke and run for your life because it’s scary and twisted as fuck—, “I won’t go to that graduation! No, no, no—,”

“ _Toru-saaaan_ —,”

“No!” he said, making Taka wince at the finality on his voice, “Not until hell froze over and the heavens burnt into crisp!”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Taka dramatically sighed against the windows of the school gymnasium, as he watched Ryota fiddled with his suit and bounce on his spot like a hyperactive kid. Today’s the bassist’s graduation, and even if Toru-san was _hell bent_ on not coming, the guitarist was still forced to do so.

Let’s just say that Taka used _dire_ methods to convinced him. And it doesn’t involve, again, getting naked or exchanging kisses. It’s more like he threatened the younger teen that he won’t cook meals, unless the guitarist would come with them.

So here they are, peeking on the damn windows like _fucking creeps_ because the school won’t allow outsiders inside the gymnasium.

“I’m _surprised_ that they even allowed you here,” Toru-san bitterly said beside him, hands crossed over his chest and lips pulled down in a dissatisfied frown—making him look like a completely bullied child, “Sometimes I wonder if the school security is too lax.”

“It’s just your imagination,” he flippantly said.

“I think it’s good,” Alex nodded, his eyeglasses almost falling off his nose as he did so— _why is he even wearing that?_ —, “At least no one would remember the _Royal Rumble of Class ’06_.”

“What’s that?” Tomoya asked, making Taka cringed and Toru-san to snort in amusement, “Did your school had a fight with another school—ack _, itai_!” he muttered when Taka smacked him at the back of his head.

“Idiot! That shits only happens in manga!”

“School versus school…?” his signature annoying smirk slowly formed on Toru-san’s face, “More like our vocalist and lead guitarist getting into fist fight in front of the entire school—,”

“Toru-san, you traitor!”

“ _Maa_ , but I totally beat the shit out of Mori-chan back then—,”

“Eh?!”

“You did _not_!”

“I totally _did_!”

Tomoya’s head snapped back and forth between the vocalist and their lead guitarist, his hair swishing around him.

“That’s how Taka got banned in here,” Toru-san explained while Taka and Alex are still fighting like kids in the background, “Coz’ he made a ruckus right on Alex-senpai’s graduation day.”

“But why?!!”

“Because he’s an _idiot—_ ,”

_“I heard that Toru-san!”_

“Good, coz I said it out loud for you to _hear_ it,” the guitarist said before turning his attention back to the confused drummer, “And Alex-senpai is an even _bigger_ of an idiot to actually fight this brat—,”

“We’re older than you!!!” Taka and Alex cried out in unison. What’s this? Why is Toru-san telling all the shits that happened in the past? Wasn’t he supposed to be reminiscing his good old times in this school while slowly walking around it—taking tin the changes, the atmosphere, the trees, the buildings and that weird cleaning guy who’s looking at them with wariness?

Taka blinked at the guy who’s sweeping the falling leaves from the trees.

The guy blinked back at him.

…

Taka glared at him, making the cleaning guy avert his gaze like he had just seen something so horrifying. Which is fine with Taka because he can now sigh dreamily and watch as the ceremony in _peace_. He went back on the fixed glass window and pressed his face against the panel.

_Ii na…_

He sighed, ignoring everyone and everything else around him as an indescribable feeling of happiness and satisfaction and _pride_ welled up inside him at the thought that Ryota is finally graduating from high school—something that Taka had _never_ experienced. Well, everyone in the band had did it, except for him because he’s a dumb, _good-for-nothing-except-his-voice_ brat who failed exams after exams back then. But instead of being envious, he feels overwhelmed and happy that Ryota won’t have to experience what he did— _dropping out of school and never getting his diploma_ —even if he’s constantly saying that he doesn’t want to study anymore.

“ _Ii na…”_ he mumbled, as he dramatically slid his fingers up and down the now-condensed glass as he felt himself tearing up at those thoughts. _Damn, this must how it feels being like a parent huh?_ Ryota is just graduating not getting married, and he’s already close to bawling like hell _! I wonder how will I react when Ryota would have to marry one day in the future?!_

Crying.

He would totally cry in relief and happiness that their stupid youngest member has finally found someone who would love him just the way he is.

Taka would _definitely_ cry.

“ _Ii na..._ at least he won’t end up like me…”

“Please stop clawing at the windows, _shonen_ , I just cleaned them.”

…

…

_Oh._

Taka—and everyone else, really, those members have this _magical ability_ to suddenly go quiet whenever someone is trying to piss him off because they’re probably ware of the scream fest and violent reactions that would surely follow—suddenly whipped their heads towards the cleaning guy he saw earlier.

The man is looking at him with a blank look at his face— _impassive, very much like Toru-san’s_ —as if didn’t just bombed Taka’s emotional moment. He scowled.

“Do you _fucking_ mind? Does me being happy about seeing our bassist finally graduate annoy you, you _senseless_ bastard? Shit, give me a break, _dammit_!”

The guy looked startled for a moment, “Well, excuse me but I’m just—,”

“Taka—,” Toru-san tried to interject, because he’s unconsciously now speaking in a loud manner, but he won’t have any of it.

“No! Shut _up_!” he hissed, ignoring how some of the students nearest to the window were now looking at the brewing commotion just beyond the glass panels, “Do you have any fucking idea how awful these past few months have been to me?! To every one of us?!” he said on a roll, flailing his arms towards each member. Alex looked like he wants to smash his head on the nearest wall, while Tomoya is just shaking on his spot.

“Uhm—,”

“No, you _don’t_! It’s so fucked up! I haven’t decently slept in days, and we’re constantly locked in a basement studio trying to make a pop punk album— _which is not going well, by the way_ —,”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” he heard Toru-san groaned out loud behind him.

“—we’ve been stressed too much and this is actually the first time that I’m feeling better because our _most stupid_ member of the band, _our youngest_ , is finally graduating from this hell hole!”

“Taka-chan!” Tomoya shrieked, “No need to say mean things about the school!”

“I think I need to get out of here,” Alex nervously shifted on his foot as he noticed that more and more students are now looking at their way, “We’re friends and all but I really don’t want to get down with your mess— _ack_ —!”

“No, Alex-senpai,” Toru-san menacingly said as he grabbed the older’s shirt, pulling him back when he attempted to run away and leave them to suffer in utter humiliation, “If we’re gonna be humiliated here, we’re gonna do it _together,_ right, Alex-senpai?” he smiled up at the taller man, making all of Taka’s hair stood up on their tips—and not because he’s horny or what—, “That’s _what family is for_ , right??”

“You’re making a scary face, Toruge!”

Taka faced the now-pale-looking guy, “Do you know that, huh?!”

“S-sorry, I didn’t know—,”

“ _Damn right_! And you can’t stop me!” Taka said as he literally clawed the glass panel, not caring if the entire gymnasium is now looking at them behind it, “Look! I’m already doing it! I’m clawing at the windows, _ohhh somebody stop me_ —,”

“I will strangle you to death, Taka—,”

“Wow, that’s _kinky_ even for you, Toru—ack—!”

“—I’m making fucking lines on the glass!” he grinned, evilly, because he’s a mean, sensitive asshole.

“P-please stop—,” the man squeaked, “I will call the police!”

Taka could’ve stopped there, but _hey_ , this man just ruined his moment earlier, and no one does that without getting away unscathed. So yeah, _as stupid as it is_ , he just glared at the man and practically screamed—, “Go on! Call them! I already went there _once_ , so I’m not scared any _mpghhh_ —,” he gasped, as Toru-san clamped a hand on his mouth to prevent himself from spouting nonsense that would totally lead him into jail.

“ _Gomen, gomen_ , please excuse our friend,” Toru-san said in a hurry as he wrapped his other hand on his waist as he practically dragged him away from the man, “He’s somewhat _special.”_

Taka almost blushed at that word. _Almost_ , because he instantly realized that the word _“special”_ meant something else. Something that he doesn’t really want to be associated with his name—

_“_ You know, there’s something wrong in his head. Like _totally_ wrong so please don’t take whatever he’s saying seriously—,”

_You unoriginal prick!_ Taka struggled even more because air is getting scarce for his poor, _poor_ lungs and hey, Toru-san’s arm is wrapped around his waist, the familiar warmth seeping through his shirt and making him feel like he’s safe and secured and— _gaaah_ , this is not the time for this! _You already had used that excuse years ago! Don’t fucking recycle it!_

“Shit, shit, _shit_ ,” Alex is looking down on the earth, kicking it in frustration, “Everyone’s looking at us right now, and oh, is that Ryota I saw who fainted?!”

“Maybe we should just get out of here,” Tomoya softly, slowly said—before dashing the fuck away, like he’s being chased by a horde of zombies.

“Eh!? _Matte_ , Tomo-kun!” Alex cried before running after the drummer.

Taka and Toru stared at the back of their oldest members, a strong sense of déjà vu hitting their faces with so much intensity that Taka has even made speechless, unmoving and totally dumbfounded.

…

…

_Did those idiots just leave us here?!_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“You can’t blame them,” Toru-san said as he played with the potatoes he’s chopping, “You’re humiliating all of us—,”

Taka looked up from the thick brown sauce he’s stirring just to glare at the guitarist standing beside him. They’re back into his unit, after the disastrous shit they made earlier in Ryota’s school. When everyone ran away, Toru and Taka did the same and fled like thieves in the dark. Then they haunted the drummer and half-American’s ass and give them a beating for leaving them in the school. Taka could still hear Tomoya’s high-pitched whining as he smacked him repeatedly, even if the drummer is already waling for mercy.

_Psssh. Pathetic._

After that, they went to the studio to add some finishes on the vocals for their songs. It’s…running good, as everyone is saying but Taka couldn’t force himself to agree with it. The album sounds so forced, and he’s not feeling the same enthusiasm while making the songs for it as before. Maybe it’s because of the stress that’s eating him, or because of the crack in Toru-san and his relationship—but whatever it is, it’s definitely affecting his affection for their upcoming album.

_We’re not even supposed to release one until November,_ he thought, _maybe that’s why it sounds so pathetic?_

Anyways, they parted ways after that. Ryota is still nowhere to be found. He’s probably spending time with his family. _That_ , or he’s still unconscious after seeing his band members making a fucking commotion his high school, at the everyday of his graduation earlier. Taka couldn’t care less, not like he’s given the chance to, because before he knows it, Toru-san was already dragging him back to his unit because the leader is apparently starving.

Which is why they’re now in the small kitchen, their hands busy on whatever the fuck they’re doing—Toru-san chopping vegetables because there’s no way in hell that Taka would let him near the stove. _Nuh-uh._ Not in his house. He still wants to have it well and clean, not _burnt into ashes_ because of the younger’s pathetic cooking skills.

“—and if you’re not just _that_ important to me, I would probably be the one to first ditch you,” he casually said before he went back on peeling potatoes, leaving Taka wide-eyed and bewildered because _HOLY FUCK._

“What the hell’s wrong with you, Toru-san!” he chastised, “You can’t just randomly say things like that!”

“What?” the asshole lazily regarded him with half-lidded eyes, “That I would be the one to first leave you earlier?”

“No! That I was _that i_ mportant to you!”

“But you are!” Toru-san’s face softened into a confused one, “Why won’t you believe me when I say it to you?”

“I—,” Taka felt at lost. He wonders why Toru-san is doing this to him, saying things to him, like he’s expecting something more from Taka? Like he’s still trying to pursue the intimate bond that Taka had already cut a few days ago? They’ve agreed to it, right? They’ve agreed to be back like normal friends…like what they are before that kiss, so _why…_

“Why are you doing this, Toru-san?” he said instead, voice cracking as he resumes stirring the curry sauce in the pot. “You know you can’t do this, we can’t do this, and yet…yet, you’re acting like—like—,”

He’s sending _mixed signals_ , and Taka is getting confused.

“Like what?”

It’s as if Toru-san is _tempting_ him. Seducing him to abandon everything, his principles and arguments and just fucking _give in._

Taka almost— _almost_ —dropped the wooden spoon into the mixture when a pair of arms snaked from behind, hugging his waist and pulling him backwards until his back hit Toru-san’s chest. His breath hitched at the contact, sparks exploding within him as he felt that familiar warm, sturdy chest that has been his comfort and solace during the time he’s breaking down. _This is wrong_ , his mind is telling him, but his heart.

Oh his flirty, crazy little heart—

_Yes, yes, finally. Even for just a moment, relish this, this—_

“I told you this won’t be easy, Taka,” the guitarist murmured right behind his left ear, the sound of that deep baritone so fucking close sending shivers down his spine, “We used to be so close even back then, sharing a bed and sleeping beside each other, holding hands…this is _basically_ just like that, right?”

_He’s playing a game_ , Taka thought as he gripped the handle of the cooking spoon so tight that his knuckles started to turn white, he’s laying out _traps after traps_ and Taka would definitely find himself falling into it—dumbly, obliviously, _willingly—_

“This is wrong, Toru-san…” he mumbled, but made no move to slip away from the guitarist’s grasp. How could he? When every cell within his body is screaming in delight with the contact between them, with the familiar scent of Tour-san assaulting his senses, with the aroma of the curry filling the air, with the house relatively silent, while they’re standing in that kitchen— _just the two of them_ —away from everyone and everything else—like they own the fucking world and every fucking time of it?

_This is wrong, but…but…_

Taka sighed in defeat, head tipping back to rest on Toru-san as he finally allowed his self to melt into those familiar arms. Just this time, _just this one last time._

“Fine…just a few minutes then, y-you spoiled brat…”

Toru-san wasted no time into hugging him tightly—like they’ve never seen each other for _years_ ; basking into the warmth of each other’s embrace and scent and everything that made them Takahiro and Toru-san. Toru-san is hugging him so tight, _so fucking tight_ like he’s afraid that Taka would just vanish like a bubble bursting into nothingness. It was warm, but was also laced with longing, with sadness, and this heavy feeling of exhaustion.

This will be the last time…

_I’ll find a way to finally stop this charade we’re playing…_

Soon.

_Soon…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I think I've already mentioned in Reason that Taka had dropped out of school, right?  
> -Taka's dislike for the Beam of Light album is somewhat legit, as we all know.
> 
> Another character would enter the story for the next chapter, tho they have already been introduced befoooore. And Taka's birthday is coming up again WTF I'm running out of ideas how to fucking celebrate it, dammit!
> 
> Thanks for reading~!


	47. LIAR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her name is Suzuki Emi.
> 
>  
> 
> "What do you want from me?  
> Just let me breathe a little  
> What do you want to see?  
> What’s in front of your eyes?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huuuh. This was delayed because I was busy...doing stuffs and lazing around. I apologize for that. Anyways, Tomoya's birthday is coming hooooo
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. I also apologize for using someone else's name in this story. She's married and has a kid now, ne? This is all but fictional shit so please don't sue me.

“I can’t _believe_ you’re doing this to me,” Taka ignored the dramatic voice of their lead guitarist as he stared at the small cake in front of him. The management finally knows that Taka’s birthday is coming up— _heck, after all these years_ —and decided to throw a mini-birthday party for him—and _well_ , Alex, because for some _unknown_ reason, the management has forgotten the guitarist’s birthday last March. “I can’t believe that they’ve send that _small_ cake for the two of us! It’s like they just randomly put my name in this card in the _last minute_!” he ranted out, stabbing a finger on the card that came along with the cake.

  
“ _Mou_ , so dramatic!” Toru-san said in the background as he continued on replacing the strings of his guitars. They had just another argument before going to the studio for tonight, and it’s just because of the change in Taka’s hair.

  
Seriously, it’s not even that of a big deal, mou!

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“What the fuck did you do to your hair this time?!” Toru-san said when Taka opened the door for him. Heavily-lidded eyes scanned his hair, then his face, before they zoomed towards the blonde highlights on the right side of his hair, “Is..is that a _highlight_!?”

  
Taka shoved the man away, feeling slightly annoyed—and totally self conscious but Toru-san doesn't have to know about that—, “Fuck off! You don’t have the right to bitch me out, it’s not just _you_ who can sport awful hairstyles, Toru-san!”

  
There was a small pause—an awkward, tensed silence—after that.

  
“SO, you’re admitting that it’s _awful_ —ack—!”

 

* * *

 

 

 

Sure, it’s _not_ a big deal, but hey, he’s at his limit back then, so he just…shoved the guitarist away— _back and back_ until he almost fell ove the steel railings of the corridor—and thank all the fucking gods that Taka had reached him just in time to save his ungrateful ass from just… _I don’t know,_ falling off and smashing his skull and bones on the pavement outside?

  
Anyways, he’s also somewhat..feeling guilty and snappy and alert as fuck these days because, well…

  
He... _uhm_...

  
_Uhm_...Taka inwardly groaned at the thought of saying that fact. Toru-san would definitely castrate hin with hus guitar. Oh, the _horrors_.

  
But he doesn't have any _right_ to do that, much less to Taka so fuck with that thought.

He's...

  
Uhm...

  
_Hestartedgoingoutwithsomeone_.

  
Yeah.

  
She was a fan, taller and older than him— _much to his dismay—_ a model and actress and Taka knows that it’s really a bad move to get involved from someone in the entertainment industry again, but he can’t just let this opportunity slide.

  
_Opportunity to what?_ A part—the “I _’m-still-gonna-cling-like-a-motherfucking-octopus-to-Toru-san”_ part of his mind, to be exact—of his mind snapped, _to get rid of Toru-san, hmmm?_

  
That’s probably one of the reasons, but even with this…strong resolve to just tell it to the leader, he’s still hiding that small fact because he’s _afraid_. Scared that Toru-san would leave him now, for _real_. And it will devastate Taka, which is _weird_ because isn't he supposed to be pushing the guitarist away?!

  
_Gaaaaah, this is so frustrating_!

  
Taka wanted those..those _unnecessary_ attachments away, _yes_ , but just imagining how Toru-san would look when he told him that he went out on dates with this girl—

 

“Why are you not even throwing a fuss, Mori-chan!”

  
_Oh god_ , Taka inwardly groaned because apparently, Alex is still whining like a pathetic kid about the cake. _Please someone make him shut up—_

  
“You snapped when we brought you a cake last year!” he said, hurt and all the dramatic shit evident in his voice, “And it’s even _bigger_ than this!” and just to emphasize his point, the lead guitarist even had to point to the cake—

  
“Ouch!”

  
And slapped Tomoya’s hand away because while everyone is busy getting annoyed by almost everything, the drummer was taking advantage of the situation and was actually plotting to take the strawberries on top of the cake.

  
“This!” Alex glared at the drummer who is now hiding behind a worried—“ _You’re asking for that one, Tomo-kun!”_ — Ryota.

  
“You know what’s _bigger_ than the cake, Alex?” Taka finally said as he pulled the small cake towards him, “It’s _you_. You’re the biggest idiot I knew for throwing a fit just because of a fucking cake! How old are you, huh? 12?!”

  
Alex let out a dramatic gasp at that.

  
“Huh,” Toru-san perched his guitar on his lap to lean forward, an annoying smirk slowly forming on the corner of his lips, “Could’ve fooled me. He acts like a five year old brat, to be honest.”

  
“Dramatic gasp no. 2!”

  
Everyone stared at the lead guitarist. What the fuck, “did you actually just said that, Alex?”

  
“Well, if you were just listening carefully and not thinking of a certain _girl_ ,” Taka’s eyes widened in full blown panic at that, “then you could’ve heard me—,”

  
No, no, no— _how would you even know about that—_

  
Taka visibly flinched when Toru-san suddenly dropped his guitar on the floor with a loud thud. Everyone got frozen on their spot, as the sound reverberates throughout the studio. It’s _shocking_ , the loud noise coming from the body of the electric guitar but what’s more surprising was the fact that Toru-san had just dropped his _precious_ guitar.

  
His _guitar_.

  
His precious, _almost like a child,_ guitar. The one that he always used, the one that is always together with him—in his room, in the live houses and even during _showers_ —

  
…

  
…

  
_Okay_ , maybe not, and _no_ —Taka is not imagining their leader’s body under the stream of water in a well-lit shower stall—bottom line is, this is _Toru-san!_ Toru-san, who’s practically _married_ to his guitars, had just dropped his, like a careless amateur!

  
Everyone have their jaws hanging wide open, _I swear_ , and even Alex who was whining like a kicked puppy just a few seconds ago turned pale and silent as a mouse—his face ashen, eyes wide, and looking everything like he realized how much he _fucked_ up this time.

  
Oh, and Taka would make his life even more fucked up later.

  
_Not now_ , because he needs to focus on not getting strangled to death first, but soon. _Soon_.

  
“Ah, ah!” Ryota was the first one who reacted as he kneeled down and pulled the guitar from the floor, “Careful, Toru-nii! This is expensive, right?!”

  
“What do you mean by girl?” the leader’s voice was loud and clear and sounding oh-so _betrayed_ that Taka remained looking down on the floor. He don’t want to see it, don’t want to see the look of pure and utter betrayal on their leader’s face, doesn't want to see how _hurt_ Toru-san would definitely look after—

  
Alex made a strangled sound at the back of his throat, while Ryota and Tomoya went mute in the background—just like what they always do whenever there’s an argument that’s about to explode.

  
Taka still won’t look up because _why would he_? It’s not like he’s _obliged_ to spill his personal affairs with anyone in the band—not to Tomoya, not even to their leader—and as long as he’s not affecting the band dynamics and their performance, they should just kindly fuck off and leave him alone.

  
_I'm a grown man, for god’s sake! Not some kind of kid that would need Toru-san’s approval just because he’s the fucking leader!_

  
Taka huffed at his _brilliant_ thoughts. Damn right, he will not bow down and cower under Toru-san’s gaze..nuh-uh, never again—

  
“Taka.”

  
His head automatically snapped towards the guitarist.

  
“Hai, Toru-san?”

  
…

  
…

  
…

  
Oh sweet mother of fuck!

  
Did…did he just _automatically_ responded to the leader’s low, intimidating voice?! Like a puppy who’s excited to heed on his master’s words?! What happened to the shits that his oh-so brilliant mind had said earlier?!

  
What happened to the _“I’m a grown man!”_ thingy?!

  
_God-fucking-dammit,_ Taka wanted to smash his skull to the nearest object—but since it was the cake, he decided to just wallow in self-despair and hatred as he tried to look away from the guitarist’s face but oh—

  
_Oh_.

  
Toru-san’s brows are furrowed, long tendrils of hair stubbornly fall on his face as he regarded Taka with a confused look. He..he looks like a kid, and Taka feels like a Mom that denied her son of something the kid wanted so much. He looks disappointed, pained, _betrayed_. And even if he’s not really saying anything, Taka can feel his heart getting sliced into cubes just by that somber, melancholic look on his leader’s face.

  
_Oh_.

  
“It’s…” Taka shrugged, trying to feign nonchalance in the matter, “It’s just a date. We’ve just hang out a few times, ate something and talk…” Taka rambled on, but his mind is not really into it. Why is he now talking, explaining things to Toru-san? He doesn't have any _obligation_ to do so, but those large eyes won’t take no for an answer.

And what’s worse is that, Taka sounds like he’s _desperately_ trying to tell the guitarist that it’s nothing _serious_ ; that he’s _desperately_ trying to tell Toru-san top calm the fuck down, because they’re still in the development stage and nothing has really happened, yet—

  
_Yet_.

  
Uhm.

  
“…and play around,” he trailed off, shrugging. Toru-san is intently watching him, and nit’s getting on his nerves, really.

  
He had expected that the guitarist would throw a hissy fit because damn, he’s not joking when he says that Toru-san is a _possessive_  Bastard—with a capital B—when it comes to him—be it because of his voice or what—so he thought that the younger teen would just…lash out and scream his head off on how Taka is hurting him by dating some girls behind his back—

  
_Well, what? Do you want to date girls in front of him, show him how you’re still perfectly a man who will never, and I mean ever, spread your legs for him, not now, not in the future, hmmm?_

  
…

  
Okay, maybe those were the wrong choice of words.

  
—so imagine his surprise, and everyone else’s, especially Alex, when Toru-san just blinked before grabbing his guitar from Ryota. “I see..” he mumbled, quietly, lowly, and that was the strangest thing that ever happened to Taka today. This week. What-the-fuck-ever.

  
“E-eh?!”

  
Taka would really love if he was the one who let out that high-pitched, overly surprised expression. But no, it was Alex, who’s looking like a scorned girlfriend while looking at his precious—Taka snorted— _kouhai_.

  
“What is it now, Alex-senpai—,”

  
“You’re really just gonna let it slide like that?!” he asked, making Taka almost bounce from his seat to, I don't know, put Alex back to his place. And by that, he means smacking his face repeatedly with the nearest object he could hold on to—but then again, he remembered that it was the cake, which is currently missing a piece of strawberry by the way—

  
His eyes narrowed in contempt as he snapped his head towards Tomoya’s direction. Said drummer is looking at Alex, like he’s really focused on whatever the half-American is ranting this time. He’s not shaking in guilt nor averting his gaze, in fact, he looks like he’s not even aware that Taka is shooting laser beams on the side of his face. Taka eyed the drummer in suspicion before he scowled and snapped his attention back towards their lead guitarist.

  
What were they talking about again? _Damn strawberries making me distracted as fuck—_  
“There were even rumors on the internet!”

  
—oh, right, Taka blandly thought, the dating issue and Toru-san’s impassive reaction. Taka can now remember it, as well as the strong urge to punch Alex right on his _ikemen_ face. Just one would do…okay maybe, not. Taka would definitely punch him until his fists bleed because that’s what you to to a band mate who won’t shut up and feel this…tensed and dark ambiance around the room.  
But wait, what—

  
“The fuck?!” he groaned when he realized what the oldest had just said, “There’s already rumors in the internet?! What!? Why!? How?!”

  
“Probably because we’re kinda famous now, Mori-chan?” Alex muttered, “You’re famous, remember? And the girl is also a model so it’s possible that media would sniff about your dates!”

  
To Taka’s horror, Toru-san’s frown got deeper at that. Damn, _damn_ , now he’s sure that Alex _must_ die. In the name of _world peace._ And the safety of his ass because Toru-san would definitely kick it to Mars and back.

  
“I kinda saw it too you know,” Tomoya softly said as he twisted on his spot when three pairs of eyes zoomed right into his face, “I swear, I’m not doing anything! I was just updating our blogs! Then I saw Takahiro’s name and this Suzuki Emi-chan and _tadah_ ~!” he flashed a huge smile so bright that it almost _blinded_ everyone in the room.

  
Except for Toru-san because his face os so dark it repels any light away.

  
_Huh_.

  
“—it says that you’re already in a relationship and that you really should treasure your time together while you’re still in _love_ with each other—,”

  
Cue three violent coughing fits from Taka, Alex and Toru. Damn, that was so _magical_ to see and hear, when the three suddenly doubled over, and started…coughing their intestines out in perfect _sync_ as if they have rehearsed it for _decades_.

  
“W-what—,” Tomoya started to say but Taka glared at him—sharp and cold and promising of painful deaths and worse days without proper meals from him—making the drummer instantly shut up.

  
“Ah, Tomo-kun, hurry!” Ryota was prancing around the three of them, “Get some water for them! Look, they’re dying!”

  
Oh, Ryota. _So pure and naïve and ignorant to all the shits happening around you._

  
“Treasure the what?!” Alex finally recovered—or not, because he’s now kneeling on the floor and clutching the arm of the long couch for his dear life—, “Treasure the whahahahahahat?! Are you fucking kidding me?! They just went out in Shibuya and that Okonomiyaki shop and now they’re in love with each other!?”

  
“Hey!” Taka gasped at that, at the same time when Toru-san started heaving his lungs out, “How did you even know that we ate in that Okonomiya shop?! Are you stalking me?!”

  
“Hell, no, it’s written on the articles, idiot,” Alex said in disgust, before he smirked at him, as he threw a long side-glance towards their leader, “And it’s our Leader-sama’s _job_ to do the stalking, right, Toru?”

  
“ _Damn_ right,” Toru-san nodded making Taka infuriated as fuck because why does he looked so _smug_ about it?! And why is Alex smiling like that to the other guitarist, like they’ve been sharing some conspiracy stuff or something!? Taka decided that he _didn’t_ want that! Toru-san should _never_ hide secrets from him! Never—

  
_Whoah, whoah, whoah, calm down, Takahiro,_ you fucking hypocrite. Why are you even thinking like that when you’re the one hiding something— _something as important and hurtful as dating someone else_ —from Toru-san?

  
He’s right.

  
_I’m a pathetic selfish piece of shit._

  
“Exactly!” Alex said in exasperation, but Taka couldn’t care less. He just…wants to go home and eat this cake— _yes,_ he will take this home, berries and all, because he’s too stressed and homicidal right now. He doesn't care about the conversation anymore. Let Toru-san know about it, let Toru-san deal with it, after all, they should’ve seen this coming right?

  
Dating with other people.

  
Going out with girls.

  
It’s not like they’re _together_ to actually feel bad about doing it.

  
But…

  
But…

  
_What if it’s Toru-san who would date someone else..?_

  
Oh fuck fuck _fuck_ , Taka vehemently shook those thoughts out of his head immediately. He don’t want to think of that, _heck_ , he won’t even probably manage to think of it because… _because_ …

  
“Are you alright, Mori-chan?” Ryota magically appeared beside him with a bottled water in hand, looking as gentle and worried and confused as ever, “Why’re you shaking your head like that? Do you have a spider on your hair—,”

  
“No, not that, idiot, _gaaah_!!!” he said, pulling onto his hair and dumping his face on his knees in exhaustion.

  
“So,” Alex said, “Why are you just chilling like that!? This is Mori-chan we’re talking about here!”

  
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here, asshole!”

  
“ _Maa_ ,” Toru-san said, making Taka cringed as he pulled his knees closer to himself, “It’s Taka’s life and all—,”

  
“WHAT.”

  
Taka’s stomach churned at that. Had he ever mentioned that Toru-san is a horrible liar? His voice would change, his eyes would flicker everywhere, because their leader is usually spouting the very first thing that ever came into his mind. Even if it’s _harsh_ , even if it’s _perverted as fuck._ He couldn’t lie, doesn't have the right amount of brain cells to formulate a proper one, and Taka knows that.  
He’s aware of that. Like now.

  
He’s _lying_.

  
_Lying_.

  
“Besides,” he heard the leader gulped before continuing, “Taka would tell us if he’s serious about her…”

  
Taka felt something painful formed down into his throat at that. The statement sounds so simple and _harmless_ but he knows that there’s some _implications_ behind it. Toru-san is mad at him for not saying anything about those dates.

  
“So, it’s not true?” Tomoya tilted his head in confusion, “That you’re in a relationship with her?”

  
“Of couse not!” he barked, making the drummer jumped, “We we’re just hanging out—,”

  
“ _Hanging out_ ,” Alex said, like he’s tasting the sound of it on his tongue, “The next thing we’ll know was that you finally reached the third base—,”

  
“Oh for fuck’s sake, will you just shut up!?” he snapped, and was about to throttle the taller man if it’s not for Ryota who hold onto him like a fucking koala.

  
“Ah, Mori-chan, _matte_!!!”

  
“No, let me go!” he growled, “this asshole need some beatings to realized that he should never believe whatever the fuck’s those tabloids are saying!”

  
“Right, let him go, Ryota,” Toru-san slowly said, “So we could finally how Alex-senpai’s corpse would look like after Taka’s done with him.”

  
He shot the younger teen a incredulous look, “That sounds so _dirty_ , Toru-san.”

  
“That sounds so _cruel_ , Toruge.”

  
“That sounds like a _threat_ , Leader-sama!” Alex cried in disbelief making Taka just…sigh in defeat. Damn, that explosion of emotions instantly drained whatever was remaining of his energy. He really needs to go home. Fuck recording those ugly ass songs. It’s just less than a month before the release of their next album but Taka still couldn’t feel any excitement from it.

  
It was _dread_.

  
And shame and guilt because he knows that the songs are absolute trash, but Toru-san and everyone else doesn’t have to hear him saying that. They would totally _annihilate_ him when they hear him talking shit about their songs.

  
“It’s really annoying, _mou_ ,” Taka said as he wiggled back on his spot on the couch, Ryota reluctantly let go of him, but he could still feel the bassist’s fingers clutching at his clothes, _just for good measure,_ probably. “Nothing really happened. And we’re not in a relationship!”

  
“But the article said that you were holding hands—,”

  
“She was just clinging to my arms because she’s wearing heels,” he said, while looking directly at their Leader’s eyes. Alex didn't seem to mind that he’s talking to him yet his entire attention, his entire emotions is being poured out and displayed to Toru-san _alone_ , “I didn’t hugged her, nor kiss her—and we’re not in a _love-love_ stage, for fuck’s sake!”

  
Toru-san raised a brow at him. His lips quivering like he’s just stopping himself from grinning at the mess Taka is at the moment.

  
Damn, _motherfucker_!

  
He looked at Taka cooly, not saying anything while silently ordering him to elaborate himself more, to defend himself more—or to finally say that he’s not even serious about dating stuffs because he still _wants_ Toru-sa—

  
Ahem.

  
“Is that so…” Toru-san hummed across him, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Taka felt himself sagged in relief at that. Good god, thanks all the Shinto gods that Toru-san is finally having this conversation over.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Or so, Taka thought because the moment they were left along while walking to his unit, Toru-san suddenly spoke in alow, dangerous tone.

  
“You didn’t told me anything about her,” he said, looking up at th dark, murky night sky of Tokyo. Taka cringed at that, his fingers almost smashing the box of cake he’s holding. And yes, he really went ahead to bring the cake home even if Alex is practically on his knees begging him to leave even a half for him. Taka considered doing so but he’s still pissed off and Tioru-san is humming Hitsuzen Maker and that’s creepy as fuck so _no_.

  
He flashed a dirty finger towards the half-American’s bawling form before he softly returned the cake into it’s box, albeit missing a few strawberries.

  
Anyways.

  
_Fuck fuck fuck!!! I thought this conversation is already over?! That the issue has already been settled!?_

  
“Uhm—,”

  
“Are we really gonna be like _this_ , Taka?”

  
For some unknown, probably dumb, reason, Taka felt his heart almost leaping out of his chest at that. Toru-san sounds so tired…so much different from the strong, calm and cool façade he’s wearing in the studio earlier.

So, he’s really lying! _‘I see,’ my ass!_

  
“I—,” he began, but immediately closed his mouth again. Well, what would he say against that. He’s at fault this time, but hey, it’s his life, and he’s free to decide the things he can share with _other_ people right?

  
So, Toru-san was now _demoted_ as “other people” huh..?

  
Taka felt like he’s gonna be sick at that. How could the two of them shared a bond so deep and intimate, trusts each other so much—how could two persons, who used to depend on each other like hell, ended up like this?

  
“So, we’re back to day one when you wouldn't even share anything to me, huh?” Taka _hated_ it, the low, slow voice coming out of those perfectly sculpted lips, hated the way Toru-san sounded so morose and mourning, _hated_ the way he’s not showing any signs of hatred towards him. He just sounds so tired and fed up. And that’s more painful that Taka could ever imagine.

  
“I’m so—,”

 

“But it’s _fine_ ,” his head snapped towards the guitarist—he really should punch him because he’s been cutting him off and not allowing him to speak even once, but Toru-san is looking at him, weirdly—like a creep with a thousand thoughts running in that mysterious mind of his—softly, and it _hurts,_ even more, because damn, _why are you still looking at me like that? Can’t you see, can’;t you feel that I’m pushing you away, breaking everything that could link us together, cutting off all the ties between us and proving myself as a man of capabilities just as you are and—_

  
Taka’s breath hitched when Toru-san reached forward—like he’s _about_ to hold his hand, but changed his mind at the last minute—his hand falling back on his side and making Taka’s heart thrummed in _misplaced_ disappointment and longing.

  
_“Are we really gonna be like this, Taka?”_

  
It _hurts_.

  
It _hurts_ to know that they couldn't even do the shits they’ve been doing before.

  
It _hurts_ to know that Toru-san is probably hurting over his decisions.

  
But hey, they both _agreed_ to this, right?

  
_All will end soon._

  
And everything would be back to normal again— _Toru-san and I being just close friends and band mates_ —them in their little fucked up family.

  
It will.

  
_I will make sure of that._

  
…

  
…

  
…

  
…

  
Even if he had repeated it over and over in his mind, Takahiro find it _odd_ how he his own words and determination _can’t_ even convince his pathetic self.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Suzuki Emi, as all of you probably knows, was the first one who was linked to Taka in his OOR career. However, the rumors published back then was in June, not in March/April. I based this chapter off this article:
> 
> https://uwasako.livejournal.com/24333.html
> 
>  
> 
> -the birthday cake was based on a legit pic from natgasm (naive astronaut) in tumblr. Tho I don't have the link in my phone. There's also a lot of old picture there, including a bald Alex-senpai. Bald. 
> 
> [EDIT] Here's the link to the picture: https://78.media.tumblr.com/444fea808165cb709ecc05be602e197c/tumblr_mgrzfzPVBN1qbr8n0o1_500.png
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! All feedbacks are well appreciated~!


	48. Never Let This Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "As I look into your face and see you smiling there  
> Show me anything  
> You're never gonna let this go  
> Maybe I was messed  
> You think maybe I was wrong  
> No way to change it  
> But you're never gonna let this go  
> All I know is that you want to break it  
> I just want to say  
> Is that your feeling?  
> You know what you are?  
> Tell me why  
> Did you turn your back right to me  
> You drive me crazy!  
> We just carry on our relation that we can't keep any more"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing this chapter for god knows what reason. Nothing really happened and it's just probably me drawing out Toru-san's pain and sufferings. I want them to finally fuck, mou!
> 
> Anyways, good luck to everyone who's gonna be having exams, study shits and change of jobs these days! And to those who are not feeling well, please take care of yourself, ne?
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I stake no claim. OOR is not mine.

_Tomorrow will be Taka’s birthday_ , Toru thought as he aimlessly roamed the busy streets of Shibuya. They had just finished a radio promotion for their upcoming album, and the Hitsuzen maker MV they’ve made a few days ago. _Usually_ , after such activities—which was just pushed onto them by the other three members—

_Who are probably playing baseball in god-knows-where again, those dumb selfish idiots, mou—_

—they would stroll round the city and go into various Music shops to see the latest trends in Western Music before heading home to have dinner and immerse themselves into their routing of making songs, cracking up lame jokes and making fun of each other like pre-pubescent kids. They as in _Toru and Takahiro._

But said Takahiro is now nowhere to be found because—

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“I need to go to _somewhere_ first,” he said, and even before he can push the end button for the call he just received, Toru was able to see the name of the girl he’s rumored to be dating at the moment. A sharp pang hit his chest at that, especially when Taka seemed so eager to suit up all his things and almost jogged towards the exit of the radio station. Toru played it coolly, walking in a lazy pace behind the hasty vocalist with an unreadable expression on his face.

 _Sure_ , he was the one who agreed to this—to give Taka his _oh-so_ desired freedom—but _how long_ until he can last? How long can he endure having his heart sliced over and over again, leave him bleeding on the ground, before he called it quits?

_How long are we gonna stay like this?_

“But you can go home first,” Taka said as he waited for him to finally step out of the building. It was weird how his entire being suddenly lit up—even if it’s just for a bit—at the sounds of the word _“home”_ on Taka’s tongue. Home. “You still have those shit-tons of duplicates right? Just don’t mess with my magazines, alright?”

“Why would I even mess with your collection?” he huffed, watching as the vocalist pulled up his face mask. It’s Spring and the pollens and allergens are scattered everywhere, making him a walking magnet for sore throats and allergic reaction.

“Right,” Taka blandly said, “You have your _own_ collection,” he narrowed his almond-shaped eyes, “…nasty collection, to be exact. But still. And don’t burn up the kitchen, mou! Don’t even try cooking or I will kick your ass—,”

Toru fished out his box of cigarettes from the pockets of his jeans and snorted.

“—I’m serious!”

“ _Hai, hai_ ,” he said, a small, amused smile forming at the corner of his lips. He hated this—hated how Taka would send _mixed signals_ to him. He’s dating a girl at the moment—and would actually meet her in a few minutes from now—and yet he’s here, lecturing Toru on not trying out his non-existent cooking skills in his kitchen— _in his home_ —and if it’s not the most _domestic_ shit he had ever pulled on since they started this charade, then Toru doesn’t know anything anymore.

Taka glared up at him, silently ordering him to say that, _yes_ , he will not make his kitchen combust into _ashes._

Toru sighed, feeling irritated than ever for this midget’s power over him, “Hai. I won’t cook in your kitchen.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _But that doesn’t mean that I won’t cook in mine,_ Toru smugly said as he stood in front of a baking supply shop. He’s probably a huge _abomination_ in cooking normal stuffs…like instant curry but baking sounds easier than boiling some instant mix for that dish. You would just…put all the fucking ingredients in a pan, mix them until they look like brown shit then put it in the oven and wait for it to become…a cake, right?

_That’s easy._

Toru can do that— _and I will_ —because tomorrow is Taka’s birthday and he’s running out of ideas to make it special for the vocalist. If this succeeds, maybe he could even invited Hiroki and Tomohiro for some desserts tomorrow, _na?_

Toru smiled—

_“Ah, scary!”_

_“Don’t look at his eyes, it’s a delinquent!”_

—unconsciously scaring the girls who and mothers who were just heading out of the shop. But he didn’t let that dampen his mood, because this is for Takahiro and fuck if he’ll allow anything to ruin his motivation.

_I’ll make him a fucking cake that will make him running back to me!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

But that was easier said than done, and Toru should’ve really learned his lessons in the past on thinking that everything would go according to his plans or expectations. There were a lot of people offering free taste of their shits— _I mean, baked goods_ —and he thought that it would be nice to try a few cookies and chocolate bread so that he would have ideas on how the pastry would taste later.

_Huuuh._

Before he knew it, he’s already leaning beside a rack of mixing bowls, holding an almost empty plate with chocolate truffles? _Ruffles? Can you eat ruffles??_ A girl is looking up at him with an uncomfortable look on her face, probably because Toru had just unconsciously devoured all the contents of the plate. He almost gagged at that, and he can practically hear Taka’s annoyed and exasperated voice yelling something like _“How the fuck could you accidentally eat all of her baked goods?!”_

So, Toru smiled in apology, handed the plate back to the girl before dashing to the opposite corner of the shop. Huuuh. That was intense, and now he wants to puke because of the sweetness clinging in his tongue. He needed to smoke, but looking around, he realized that he can’t because he’s still inside the shop and he just remembered the exact reason why he’s here in the first place.

And so, he went and buy some stuffs successfully— _okay, maybe_ he needed a few help from the sales lady, and from a mother who probably saw him glaring between two different brands of chocolate. He probably looked like an idiot— _I mean, those girls are obviously giggling about me!_ —and for a moment, he almost decided to fuck this shit and just buy some pre-made cake for the vocalist, because his manly pride had suffered _enough_ for this day.

But no, he still wants Taka to come running back to him and no matter how humiliating it will be, he would do it. He had stalked and recruited Taka, through his mere will power _(and a bit of persuasion_ ) alone, remember? He can do this. He’s a _man of capabilities_ after all.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

But now, looking down at the ingredients littering over the counter in his small kitchen, Toru thinks that being a man of capabili8ties would probably not work in this situation. There was flour, butter, vanilla extract, sugar, lots of eggs (because he would probably need that for omu-rice tomorrow) and some kind of chocolate—A.K.A. baking chocolate because _apparently_ , there’s a _different_ one for baking and for plainly shoving in your mouth when you’re hungry and running out of good food in the fridge. Also milk and cream. Toru doesn’t give a fuck on what’s the difference between the two but the lady emphasize that he would _regret_ not buying both so he just went with her instructions like an obedient puppy.

It’s also probably because she’s starting to look _mega-pissed._

Huuuh.

He also bought a circular metal pan because the lady said that he couldn’t just put the batter in a microwavable container, which sucks because he wasn’t expecting that baking would be damn _expensive_ and that it would give him a massive headache just by choosing the proper ingredients for a chocolate cake with real chocolate.

_As if there’s a “fake chocolate” cake._

Huh. Maybe he should’ve listened during their Home Economics class, instead of just letting all his classmates do the job.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Now, onto the job. But before that, Toru made sure that his phone is placed within arm reach. Just in case that he would need to call his mom or Alex-senpai or anyone who knows how to fucking bake. Or the _firemen_ , because god knows if one of these ingredients is easily combustible.

Anyways, now that everything is set, Toru read the instructions which will yield him an extravagant chocolate cake after all the shits. So, he just have to preheat the oven huh? Cool. He can do that. Grease the round cake pan with melted butter? How...?

Should he just put some slice of butter in there and wait for it to melt? _But I don’t want to wait_ , his impatient mind said so he decided to put a frying pan on the stove and dump a block of butter on it with the flames on _HIGH_ which is a very _very_ wrong move and Toru just realized it when he went away from a moment to play some music from his laptop and came back to the kitchen FULL OF FUCKING SOMETHING SIZZLING SOUNDS WHAT _WHAT FUCK THE BUTTER SHIT—_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _Okay._ That’s not a good start, but Toru is really determined to do this shit. Even if he has to scrub the burnt shit off the pan. And so, after an hour, he finally melted some butter to grease the round pan with. _Jesus._ If he just waited for the butter to melt in the first place, then he won’t have to scrub and scrub until his hands almost fall off. Good thing he didn’t do this shit in Taka’s kitchen because the midget would definitely throw him inside the oven for messing up his _oh-so beloved_ place.

 _Oh-so beloved place, my ass,_ Toru huffed as he brushes the butter on the pan, _then he should’ve just stayed there and cooked me some meals instead of romping around with that Emi girl._

 Anyway, the second step is— _Jesus, I’m still just on step 2?! It feels like forever since he started doing this shit and he’s not even on the actual baking part!_ —is to melt that chocolate over boiling water. _What._ Toru did a double take on that instruction, how the fuck would you melt it on water?! Jesus. He’s getting annoyed now so he just put another pan out— _thank god,_ his mom sent him lots of them when he moved out of the Amuse dorm—and put the entire bar of dark chocolate on it. The bar instantly started to soften, making him smirk like the _proud_ asshole he is.

_See? This is easier!_

The instruction also said to stir it, so stir he did. But then he remembered that Taka would love strawberries on this cake. _Maybe I still have some in the fridge?_ He hummed in thought as he padded away from the stove. Damn, he really should’ve learned to the mistake he made just an hour ago, but no, Toru’s probably as dumb as a rock— _and this is coming from myself_ —because the next thing he knows it is that his chocolates that were supposed to melt where now burnt.

Into fucking _charcoals._

What the hell?!

Why is everything easy to burn? _Can you even burn chocolate?!_

 _Apparently yes,_ his mind bluntly said as he took the soiled pan to the sink and pour some water on it. Goddammit, his mom would throw a hissy fit if she ever sees the mess he made to two of her pans. And he’s just melting stuffs, not actually cooking! _When will I get into the baking part, mou?!_

He’s getting _desperate._

So he called Alex-senpai.

…

…

Well, he’s also going out with girls and Toru would bet a thousand yen that his upperclassman knows a shit about baking stuffs for his girls so he called the person. Besides, he doesn’t want to hear Tomoya and Ryota laughing at him just because he couldn’t melt a butter or a chocolate.

It took three rings before the lead guitarist finally picked up, and judging by the annoyed tone of his voice, Toru knows that he chose the wrong timing to call. _But hey_ , Alex-senpai had done that multiple times in the past remember? When he suddenly appeared out of nowhere whenever he and Taka is about to get into some _actions_ and now that he’s thinking about them, he decided that the older guitarist should just suck it up and aid him like the good senpai he is.

“ _The fuck do you want,_ Toru?”

He arched a brow at that, fanning the smoke away from his face, “What? No _‘precious kouhai’_ this time, Alex-senpai?”

“I’M ON A DATE—,”

_Figures. That’s why you’re so eager to send me with Taka in the radio station earlier huh._

“—SO THIS’D BETTER BE IMPORTANT OR SO I SWEAR—,”

“I just need to ask something, Alex-senpai,” he coolly said, “It won’t take you an hour, Ne?” he furrowed his brows in doubt, “Hopefully.”

“Just tell me what the fuck you need, _lover boy_ —,”

“So I wanted to give Taka a cake,” he hastily said before the older teen could spout more nonsense, “It’s his birthday tomorrow, remember?”

“You’re the _only one_ who remembers it _, stalker boy_ —,”

Toru gritted his teeth. Why is it so difficult to have a decent conversation with Alex-senpai? Be it about his love life or just life in general?

“—and you always spend it with him, right? So, why don’t you just buy him a cake?”

“I want to bake it for him,” he said, making the older teen went silent as fuck on the other line. What, did he said something wrong?

“…The fuck is wrong with you, Toru!?” came the angry response. He winced at that, why is he angry now?! “I know that you’re still bitter about Taka dating girls when you’re obviously still has the _hots f_ or him—,”

Oh for fuck’s _fucked_ sake!

“—but that’s still not a reason to try poisoning him with your cooking! I can’t believe that you’re actually planning to do that, mou! Your senpai is so ashamed of you, Toru!”

…

…

…

Toru glanced at the burnt chocolates. It wouldn’t be bad if Alex-senpai would end up like that.

“I’m not planning to poison him, but maybe I’ll do that to _you,_ Alex-senpai,” he said before looking down on the ingredients before him, “Just tell me how to fucking melt the damn chocolates without burning them or so I swear—,”

“YOU CAN’T EVEN MELT CHOCOLATES YOU _DUMB FU_ —,”

“STOP MAKING FUN OF ME SO I COULD DO THIS SHIT AND YOU CAN GO BACK FUCKING _WHOEVER_ YOU’RE FUCKING AT THE MOMENT.”

He heard an infuriated gasp on the other line. Alex-senpai is probably counting to ten right now to prevent himself from just…smacking Toru’s face for pulling that disrespectful shit. It took 2 minutes before the lead guitarist utter anything. Okay, so maybe he needed to count to a thousand.

“My god, Toru,” he said in a low, exasperated voice, “You know what? You being away from Mori-chan obviously makes you a prick. A _giant_ prick. But since I’m still your awesome senpai—,”

Toru coughed at that.

“—I will still help you, alright? Now, how did you even burned the chocolate? Are you sure that you have enough water on the pot?”

 _That’s better_ , now, they’re finally back to business, but wait. Did Alex-senpai asked about—

“What _water?_ ” he asked, his mind screaming that he really should’ve listened to the written instructions earlier instead of making a fool of himself in front of the worst person possible, “I just put in on a pan and looked away for two seconds— “ _okay, maybe a minute, but Alex-senpai doesn’t have to know about that_ —, “then when I came back, it’s already _burnt_.”

“…”

“…”

“…did you…did you just put it straight in a pan on the stove?”

Toru cocked his head, isn’t that already obvious with his explanations?

“Uh, hai?”

“Oh _kami_!” he heard Alex-senpai groaned, “You’re supposed to melt it over boiling water, Toru, you can’t just put that shit on direct heat! Even a middle schooler knows that!”

Toru felt offended at that but more importantly, “How the fuck would you melt this stuff with water, huh?!”

“You don’t know?”

“Will I be asking you if I have any idea about it, Alex-senpai?”

“I’m actually _surprised_ that you’re still asking me stuffs even after all the shits that happened to your love affairs.”

“That’s probably because I’m an idiot—,”

“And an awful cook,” Alex-senpai helpfully added but even before Toru can retaliate by saying that the older is more stupid than him, the half-American spoke again, “Now, let’s get down to business. Grab a pot or pan or whatever you have there that can hold enough water.”

 _How would I know if it can hold enough water?_ Toru sighed before pulling the third pan. It’s deeper than the two previous ones and he hopes that it won’t get the same fate as the other two had.

“Alright. I have it now.”

“Good, now fill it with one inch of water—,” he opened his mouth to say something but the older guitarist beat him into speaking, “And no, you don’t need to get a fucking ruler to measure it. Just put water in it, please. Can you do that for me, you incompetent kouhai?”

“Fuck you!” Toru shouted as he aggressively filled the pan with water.

“Oh, we both know who’s the _one_ you really wanna fuck,” Alex-senpai commented before turning serious again, “Now put it on the stove and get yourself a bowl. A glass bowl, okay?”

Toru huffed as he bends down to rummage through his cabinets. Good thing Taka has always been using that shit in mixing eggs for omurice even though he won’t eat it. He smirked in triumph as he pulled out a rather medium sized bowl and washed it—yes because contrary to popular belief, he still has the _common sense_ to wash everything before using them.

“I got it, now, what’s next?”

The water is kinda boiling now but Toru don’t want to do anything without instructions. Well, maybe he’ll turn the flames off if the water started to evaporate like shit or when there’s too much smoke again, but until then, he would just stare at it until Alex-senpai tells him the next step to do.

“Now, put it over the water—and I mean _over_ , Toru. If it’s _in_ the fucking water, then you had _fucked up_ and filled the pan up too high.”

“Okay, okay!” Toru screeched, glaring murderously at the innocent kitchen ware as he carefully put the bowl—thank god no water spilled—over the pan, “It’s above the fucking water! What now?!”

“Thank _fucking_ me,” Alex-senpai muttered, “Put the chocolates in the bowl,” Toru did as instruct, “Turn the stove on low and start stirring. Don’t stop until it’s smooth or I’ll break into your unit to kick your dumb ass, alright?!”

Toru scowled and concentrated on the task at hand. It took him about five minutes before the bars went like brownish paste. Smooth brownish paste, but yeah, in the end, it finally has this nice, smooth consistency.

“Okay, it’s done,” he mumbled, his eyes wide. For a moment, he wanted to shout in joy because hey, Yamashita _fucking_ Toru managed to melt chocolate—he wanted to see the look of pure doubt and disbelief on Taka’s face and—

Taka’s not here—

And—

Alright, wrong train of thoughts.

“Good for you, my _precious idiot kouhai_ ,” Alex-senpai said and even before Toru could thank him, the call has already been ended. Huh. _Someone’s eager to get laid tonight…_

Anyways, now that he had this…melted chocolates, he proceeded on the next steps that includes mixing all the dry ingredients using an electric mixer. _Electric mixer?_ He doesn’t have that shit so Toru— _still not learning his lesson_ —just shrugged it off and just poured all the necessary stuffs into a bowl, eggs and water and all before he mixed it. _Violently._ For half an hour until it became something like white colored paste. That turned chocolatey when he poured the melted chocolate into the mixture.

Now he just has to put it in the oven and wait for miracles because his batter doesn’t look like those he sees in cooking shows. And was that egg shells? Huh _? I hope Taka won’t eat that part._ Anyway, he mixed them again until he was exhausted enough to sleep for five days straight and until he had cursed every living person for not telling him that electric mixers are kind of necessities in these times. He then poured all of the gooey stuff in the cake pan and shoved It into the oven.

While waiting for _(miracles and other divine intervention)_ the cake to bake— _whoah, that rhymes_ —he decides to try doing the icing which is basically just mixing cream and chocolate. That’s _easy._ If his arms were not just so fucking tired form all the mixing he had done earlier.

He doesn’t have any strawberries but he could just store the cake in his fridge, buy some tomorrow morning, and put them over it before the vocalist arrives. That’s a good plan. And maybe he should also drop by at a local cake shop to buy a small strawberry shortcake _just in case_ that he had made something inedible.

_I should also call Alex-senpai early tomorrow so he could taste this shit before I feed it to Taka._

That’s a great plan, actually.

After what it seems like an eternity, the oven finally beeped. Toru carefully pulled the pan from it—his face darkening like a shitstorm when he realized that the batter overflowed and that his cake looked like a muddy volcano. _What the fuck._ Where did he even went wrong this time?!

 _Whatever, it’s just the appearance,_ he huffed as he put the cake on the counter and started _mutilating_ it to make it look more flat and pleasing to the eyes. After making sure that it’s not looking gross anymore, he applied icing all over it like _there’s no tomorrow._

“Huh…” he leaned back, hands and face filled with chocolate icing as he glanced at his work. It has been a _decade_ since he stared this shit and he’s glad that it doesn’t look like an ogre’s mud hole anymore. He just hopes that Taka would eat, just even a bite from it.

_Then he’ll come running back to me._

Toru smiled at that, like an idiot in the silence of his room. Their EP songs were playing softly in the background, and he can see a mountain of kitchen wares to be washed in the sink but just imagining Taka stuttering at the site of his home-made cake…

That would be a _nice_ view.

He couldn’t wait for tomorrow.

Now he just has to clean his mess and clean himself up before he would call Takahiro, considering that he’s still awake at this hour.

Toru gently lift the cake and put it in the refrigerator where it’s safe while thinking how _lovely_ Taka would look when he sees his work. He can feel the giddiness flowing through his veins as excitement and trepidation makes his heart pound like a motherfucker beneath his chest.

Tomorrow….

_Tomorrow…_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Ah, _gomen_ ,” Taka yawned, loud, in the other side of the line, “I made a promise with _Emichi_ tomorrow. We’ll be going out and Hiroki is busy with the beginning of school. Tomo is…”

Whatever giddiness that has been blooming within his system were instantly flushed out of his body upon hearing that. He felt like an idiot, a _fool_ for actually thinking that Taka would want to spend his birthday with him— _just like the good old times_ —when he’s already going out with a girl. He felt _foolish_ to actually made so much effort— _hell, he won’t even touch a spatula because he knows he’s awful when it comes to cooking—_ in baking something that he thought would enjoy. And now, just thinking that Taka and that _Emichi_ would eat in a fancy café or restaurant with an elegantly made cake topped with fresh berries and icing…Toru felt _foolish_ for actually attempting to show that…horrible abomination to the vocalist.

_He won’t like it._

Why would he?

When he could’ve just _buy_ one from his favorite cake shop?

And eat it with his _favorite person_ at the moment?

Toru felt _foolish._ And tired, that his mind couldn’t register whatever the fuck Taka is saying anymore.

“…so yeah, _Gomen_ , Toru-san,” he heard Taka softly groaned in exasperation, “Just…Let’s just hang out next time, okay?”

“ _No_.”

“WHAT.”

“What?” he blinked, not really understanding what he just said. Oh fuck, did he just said no? what the hell. Damn, he massaged the bridge of his nose in frustration. Now that he bombed it all, might as well go with it, right? “I mean, I’ll just wait for your date to be over. We used to hang out during your birthdays, remember?”

“But Toru-san,” Taka slowly said, “I don’t even know what time—,”

“I’ll _wait,_ ” he insisted—fury and jealousy and pain blooming within him—, “Or you would take even _that_ away from _me_? From _us_ , huh, Takahiro?”

There was silence after that, all that Toru could hear is Taka’s ragged breathing, like he’s just stopping himself from lashing out at his immature words. But he knows that he wouldn’t because that will just lead to another argument, another imbalance in the band dynamics.

“Fine!” was his sharp reply instead, “Do what you want, you asshole! But don’t come complaining how long I took before I get home, you manipulative fucker!”

He wasn’t able to respond to that because Taka ended the call even before he could open his mouth. It’s not like he had something to say anyway. He just grimaced, his muscles screaming in pain as he strode towards the refrigerator and pulled the goddamned cake out of it, shoving it down to the trash bin without even blinking. He pursed his lips, watching as it crumbled on its own, all the hours of effort and headache _literally going into waste_ at that.

_Huh…_

He tried calming his madly beating heart but it was hard, especially when you can feel the pain every breath you take, every beat it makes, every time he could hear Taka’s excuse to not see him tomorrow for his birthday.

_Looks like I won’t be needing to buy strawberries for tomorrow, after all._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Ryota once said that Toru is "a man of capabilities."
> 
> Toru-san acts like a kid who's having his first crush gaaaah
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading! Your feedbacks will be very much appreciated~!


	49. Always Coming Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takahiro is a walking contradiction.
> 
> Also, Taka's birthday. The 3rd time I wrote one for this series. Ahhh time sure flies so fast, I can still remember how I was bawling in front of my computer when I wrote the first one while listening to Always Coming Back.
> 
> "The more I turn my back on you, the more dear you are to me  
> The more we come face-to-face, the more I feel you might slip away  
> I search for something uncertain and without form  
> And I know that nothing can stop me from standing again, I can  
> I'm always coming back to you  
> You've got me till the end  
> I'm always coming back to you  
> You keep pulling me in  
> I'm always coming back"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally made a separate IG account for Justice-san~! You can now see my uhm...drawings on Justice's account: @toruka_is_justice
> 
> Anyways, I've accidentally saw my list of events for DREAMERS and I counted the possible remaining chapters and it's...around 15? BUT I USUALLY SUCK AT KEEPING PROMISES ABOUT THE NUMBER OF CHAPTERS SO THAT MIGHT INCREASE OR DECREASE GAAAAAH. And yeah, it also depends on the happenings in the real world.
> 
> On with the story~!
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine.

_He’s an idiot,_ Taka thought as he plopped down on the backseat of the taxi. Today was his birthday, and instead of spending it with Toru-san or with his brothers, like he _usually_ does in the past two years that he’s been in the band, he opted for hanging out with Emi-chi again, because that’s what _dating couples_ do, right?

It’s perfectly normal. _Sweet,_ even.

Emi-chi is a wonderful girl. Sure she has a huge appetite for a girl with a very thin frame, but Taka found it adorable because he doesn’t have to pretend to be classy and uptight whenever he’s eating out with her. She doesn’t do what typical girls like doing whenever they’re with a man, _you know_ , flipping their long hair and batting their obviously fake eyelashes on pink-dusted cheeks while looking at him as if they wanted something from him. Possibly his _babies_ but he’s too young and settling down is not really in his bucket list in the next five years—

Taka cringed at the thought of having children so early in his life. How can he even raise a new life when he’s life itself is still in a huge, fucking mess?!

—Make that _ten_. Or 15 years, for better _measures._

Anyways, so Emichi is a good company. She likes their songs and doesn’t mind mingling and jumping in the middle of the crowd during their gigs in the dark, cramped live houses. She’s so simple, so natural and of course, so pretty. She’s also not the “kiss-and-tell” type of girl, and if it’s not because of that tabloid magazine— _again_ , because Taka is like a _walking magnet_ for rumors as far as he can remember—no one might even know that they’re hanging out with each other these past few weeks.

So all in all, she is a good _catch._

But for some unfathomable, twisted and oh-so wrong reasons, Taka felt different whenever he’s hanging out with her. He brought Emichi to places—places that you won’t really take a girl into, but she’s different, remember—that he had _loved_ so much in the past few years. The park, the Music Store, the Meguro Riverbanks, that steak shop just outside Shinjuku Station, the fishing lake where he celebrated his birthday last year with Hiroko and Tomohiro, his favorite cake shop, that toy shop and _purikura_ booth in Harajuku, the Pink Noise Live house, their favorite ramen house—and if it’s not because of the sudden appearance of their MV in Center Gai, Taka would never realize that he had brought the girl to all the places that holds _so much precious memories_ for him and Toru-san.

_Holy fuck…_

For a moment, he stood there in the middle of Shibuya Crossing, looking at the screens around him and wondering if he’s feet betrayed him—he wanted _out_ , wanted to be away from the guitarist as much as possible, but what did he do? He just fucking _revisited_ all those places—like he’s flipping through an album and reminiscing all those memories they’ve created, all the memories they’ve shared—or if his mind is just telling him that he’s still _yearning_ for the leader’s constant presence—his warmth emanating from the body walking alongside him, their shoulder sometime bumping when there’s a huge crowd in the streets or whenever they’re sharing earphones in the Music Shops—especially during this day.

His _birthday._

He was _supposed_ to be here.

And Taka is supposed to be there, _wherever Toru-san is_ —be it in a muddy lake or in a crowded shop or in street lined of cherry blossoms in their full bloom—Taka _wouldn’t_ care, as long as he’s with Toru-san—

His breath hitched when someone grabbed his hand— _warm and soft and_ —

Taka’s head snapped beside him, looking at the smiling face of the girl he’s currently with. She was saying something about their MV, how the lyrics fit the music so well and how excellent his English speaking skills was but Taka couldn’t process any of it as he was attacked by this sudden feeling of longing, of craving another hand— _warm and full of callouses_ due to the years of playing and playing guitars—

A hand that was larger than his, a hand that could perfectly fit his smaller, more feminine-looking one into it whenever their fingers automatically interlaced.

_Toru-san’s hands._

He wanted _it._

 _God knows_ how he wanted it—especially during this day—but fantasies and reality are different from each other, and it’s not Toru-san who’s with him at the moment and no matter how much his heart is screaming and _singing for their leader_ —who’s probably cursing his ass to Mars and back—he did nothing close to running back towards the guitarist’s unit, and instead, squeezed the smaller hand with his own in what he hoped was a gesture of reassurance.

“Thanks,” he mumbled as he smiled at her. She nodded and looked back at the screens, not asking any more questions on why his eyes suddenly went glassy nor why his lips were quivering nor why those words came out win a cracked, obviously forced manner.

Right.

She’s a good catch, _after all._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

So after spending a whole day with her, and answering some phone calls from people he values the most—his brothers, Ryota (who asked him if they should come over later or tomorrow to celebrate), Tomoya (who asked him the exact question, but with a variation that sounds like _“will you be having another cake for the celebration coz you took the small one last time_ ”), Alex (who told him that he will not come because he doesn’t want to see Taka fucking and/or kissing someone), and his Mom (who told him to take more care of himself). All of them called him— _except for Toru-san._

_He said that he would wait for me…_

Taka sighed as he leaned his head onto the glass of the window. He didn’t dare to dramatically slide his fingers on the panel because he doesn’t want to get shouted at for clawing windows again, dammit!

He feels so exhausted, the box of strawberry shortcake on his lap is not doing its job to lift his spirits up or something. Emichi gave it to him before they parted—they even bought it from Taka’s favorite cake shop earlier, and while they were standing on the lines, he looked around the warm, cozy place.

A small smile formed on his lips as he recalled that exactly a year ago, he was also here—talking and throwing insults to Toru-san with his brothers in tow.

Just a year had gone by and look how different they’ve become now.

_He won’t even greet me on this day…_

He knows that Toru-san could be stubborn at times—especially when he wants something. Ryota had told him about that years ago, that _whatever his Toru-nii wants, his Toru-nii gets_. Just like when he wanted to start the band. And when he wanted Taka to be their vocalist.

Toru-san got it all—even if he had to be a creepy stalker and a very, _very_ forceful person.

 _And did I mention persuasive?_ That Toru-san can be really, really persuasive using those dark intense eyes and deep, deep voice?

Taka awkwardly coughed at that thought. So yeah, Toru-san can be really stubborn but knowing that he’s still probably sulking on god-knows-where right now, Taka is so sure that the guitarist won’t show up to his place tonight.

Or probably even tomorrow.

His hands tightened their grip on the box on his lap. Despite thinking—despite being perfectly aware of that—there’s still this small hope blooming within him.

Maybe…

 _Maybe_ Toru-san would be there, waiting for him like the dutiful asshole he is _. Maybe_ Toru-san didn’t greet him because he wanted to surprise him when he comes home later. Maybe… _maybe_ Taka could share this cake with him? Eat on his living room, laughing and getting their asses drunken like fuck? _Maybe_ he could eat this delicious cake while staring up at Toru-san’s smiling face?

Maybe…

_Maybe…_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The door was locked when he got in front of it.

Toru-san is not there—not inside—because the _fucker_ won’t lock the door if he knows that Taka would eventually come. The lights are also off and it was dead silence inside.

There will be no surprises, because hell knows how Tomoya and Ryota could not hold their excited giggling’s while waiting for him to open the door.

_There will be no sharing of cake._

There would be _no Toru-san_ tonight and Taka had to suck it up—no matter how bitter that taste in his mouth— because this is what he wanted all along, right?

This is what’s the best for him, for Toru-san and for everyone else in the band—heck, for _the band_ itself.

So…

_So…_

Taka’s eyes stung as he aggressively fished out his keys with his free hands, his throat constricting at the thought that this they would end with him eating a cake _alone_ in his unit. He had taken all those times that Toru-san was here for granted because he had foolishly believed that the guitarist would always be there— _here at my side_ —especially during his birthday. He had taken him from granted, pushed him away and now that it happened all according to his plans…

He should be happy, relieved— _right?_

So why…

_Why does it feel so fucking painful...?_

He chokes back a sob as he entered the unit—the darkness and silence haunting him—mocking his solitude for the rest of the night. No band members suddenly spilling from every corner of his unit, no popping confetti, no lights blaring bright— _nothing._

And it made Taka want to cry for real because birthdays aren’t supposed to be like this. Toru-san had spoiled him and now he’s left alone to fend for himself against these crazy feelings of abandonment, mou!

Taka would definitely kick their leader’s ass tomorrow, he decides as he toed off his shoes and only when he’s arranging them then he noticed the extra pairs of sneakers that look awfully familiar— _it’s the one I asked Ryota to buy as a birthday gift for him—_

It’s—

_It’s Toru-san’s—_

His head snapped towards the dark living room, eyes scanning and adjusting to the minimal light inside his unit. He’s here, _he’s here—_

And then he was rushing towards the living room, the kitchen and dining area—even almost toppling over, sliding across the cold floor as his eyes went blurry with unshed tears—his breath turning ragged with every second that he spent searching for him, yearning and ling for him and when he opened the door of his bedroom and—

And—

 

_There he is._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He instantly recognized him right away.

Toru-san was there, lying on his bed—curled up and tucked under his blankets—sleeping like a fucking baby. His messy black hair fanning around his pale face, the rims of his eyes were red, the skin around it dark and hollow.  His cheek rests on his Doraemon plush toy—hugging it like how a kid would hug his teddy bear in his sleep, and his perfectly sculpted lips parted as he softly breathes.

He looks so awful—vulnerable and shits—but Taka had never felt so much relieved as he saw him there, sleeping without a care in the world. Hell, the entire universe could blow up and he’s sure that Toru-san won’t still wake up, dammit! He looks so comfortable sleeping there, like he owned the place and the bed—like he belongs there.

Here.

And it makes Taka silently stare at that prone figure just a few feet across him because here’s Toru-san again—showing up when he’s at the _breaking point_ , making an appearance just when Taka is about to blow up into fucking pieces—here he is, sleeping and _unconsciously saving him_ —like he had always done in the past.

Even if he’s pushing him away, Toru-san is still here— _waiting for him to come back home_ —like what he had promised yesterday and Taka was so fucking dumb to even doubt the leader. Too stupid.

_I can’t take his anymore…_

No more…

He sniffled, the cake forgotten in the _genkan_ as he stripped off his jacket and cap. He padded towards the bed— _his bed_ , for the record—as silent as a ninja and carefully climb over it. he then rolled onto the empty side—his spot—and gently tucked himself under the blankets.

_This is better…_

He grumbled, glaring at the plush toy that’s separating him from the guitarist. He loves Doraemon alright, but this rare chance that he could snuggle with their leader is more important. And so, he gently plucked the toy away, wincing and staying still when Toru-san almost roused from his slumber.

“…fish…” he mumbled in his sleep before his head automatically nuzzled Taka’s hand, arms wrapping at his entire frame to pull him closer. He smells like chocolate, vanilla— _what the fuck,_ Taka had to lean away to scrunch up his nose and stared incredulously at the guitarist’s =peaceful face, _did you rolled on a fucking cake, you dumbfuck?!_ —and smoke, but Taka loved it _anyways._

He _would never_ get tired of it.

So he just… _shamelessly s_ nuggled closer to the familiar warmth, throwing away all the consequences and possible repercussions of his actions, forgetting that he’s dating a girl now and that he’s supposed to be pushing Toru-san away not— _not hugging him like there’s no tomorrow_ —and decided that he would just deal it tomorrow. He just has to make sure that he will wake up earlier than the younger teen and pretends that he slept on the couch because Toru-san has been hogging the entire bed all to himself—because if not, how would he explain to the guitarist why he’s clinging like a motherfucking koala to him again—like nothing ever happened between them?

So he would just wake up…earlier…than…him…

Taka breathe a happy sigh as sleep and fatigue and mental exhaustion quickly claimed his consciousness. This is good, he thought, _just for tonight…_

_Today’s my birthday, anyway…_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru woke up feeling annoyed because someone put a fucking cactus under his chin. Wait, he doesn’t have any roommate— _or cactus for that matter_ —well in fact, his sleepy mind supplied him, he’s not even in his own unit in the first place!

_What the fu—_

He blearily opened his eyes, only to see a mop of black hair with a dash of blonde highlights.

Taka.

His eyes widened as he slowly processed their positions—him hugging the vocalist while the older teen is snuggling comfortably with him—like a cat searching for warmth—and decided that he must have died waiting for Taka earlier.

_I died._

Because the fucking midget took _forever_ getting back home.

Because he preferred gallivanting— _wow, big word_ —around Tokyo with his girl while Toru is dying in his bed. Well, he really could’ve wait in the living room, or in the genkan or outside, because that’s what sane people do. But he’s a trespassing bastard remember?

_Huh, can you even call me a trespassing bastard when Taka didn’t even collect my spare keys?_

Anyway, Toru was still so tired with all the fuckery he made in his kitchen yesterday and cleaning up his mess is no easy job. So, he went to Taka’s favorite cake shop, buy a strawberry shortcake—the one he knows _Taka loves the most_ —get into this unit with ease, put the damn cake into the fridge before he laid down on the bed and sleep.

While waiting for Taka-fucking-hiro to come home.

Heavily-lidded eyes glanced down at the sleeping figure of their vocalist.

_And he’s really here!_

_What the fuck happened and why is he hugging me—_

Toru’s mind stopped working when unfamiliar scents hit his nose. Taka smelled like the same, his shampoo and all—cakes and ramen and the Spring— _if you can even smell that shit_ —but there’s something else. He nosed Taka’s cheeks, down to his jaws and neck and he grimaced when he realized that it was the smell of someone else’s perfume— _a girl’s_ —definitely of that Emichi and Toru felt like he’s been doused with ice cold water right there and then.

_This is wrong._

He softly shook the older’s shoulders, earning a distressed whimper from Takahiro for having his sleep disturbed right in the middle of the night.

_You don’t go dating and hanging out with girls all day long and cuddle with me at night, Taka…_

“Taka… _Taka…_ ” he muttered but the damn brat just slapped his hand away. Oh. Damn. His patience is wearing thin and if the vocalist won’t roll over like an obedient, decent man, Toru would have to get up and startle the shit out of the older teen, “Wake up, dammit”

But when those almond-shaped eyes slowly fluttered open, Toru’s heart lurched forward—beating madly and loudly like it wants to get out of his chest and… _I dunno? Go to Taka?_ Coz he’s the one his heart is yearning for all these times...?

…

…

_Goddammit, what the fuck that was so fucking lame as hell._

Anyways, Taka blearily looked up at him, brows knitted in confusion, hair tousled and looking so soft and tender and huggable and kissable and _fuckab—_

“Wha— _whatthefuckdoyouwantIswearI’mgonnakillyou_ —,”

“Get off of me,” he said through clenched teeth as he tried to pry those arms off his midsection. Had he ever mentioned that Taka could cling like an octopus? “We really shouldn’t be doing this—,”

Lies.

_You’re an awful pretender, Toru._

God knows how every fiber of his being is screaming to seek more contact with the vocalist, feel him beside him—warm and soft and all that makes him Takahiro—hear his voice, stare at him—no matter how creepy that sounds—or just…just be with him even without _saying anything_ , without _doing anything._

“—we shouldn’t be sharing a bed coz you’re dating someone, remember?” he mentally winced when hurt sliced through Taka’s serene expressions. His eyes widened in pain and bewilderment and was that anger—, “So get the fuck off the bed.”

Taka looked at him in disbelief, before he licked his lips and oh did Toru’s eyes traced every glide of that pink muscle, wanting to lean close and cross the distance between them and kiss him—

“This is _my b_ ed, Toru-san,” Taka deadpanned, amusement glinting on his sleepy eyes.

…

…

Oh.

_Oh._

That’s not the point, but—

“Alright,” he sighed before he attempted to move away— _with every intent to just fuck everything_ —not Taka even do he’s dying to do that since day one of this shitty relationship—else and go home. Emphasis on the word _“attempt”_ because even before he could back an inch away, Taka is already on him—grabbing his clothes and pulling him close until his head is plastered on his chest, their legs intertwined in a weird fashion and until Taka has enveloped him with a tight, tight— _“Ow, ow, ow, don’t squeeze my fucking intestines out!”_ —hug.

“ _Son of a—,”_

“Don’t go!” Taka said, his voice muffled on the fabric of his shirt as he clings even closer, “Don’t…”

Toru groaned, fingers automatically trialing towards the vocalist’s shoulders not to caress but to push him away this time, but surprise surprise, Taka can really be clingy as fuck whenever he wants it, huh?

“This is wrong, Taka…” he muttered in defeat, letting his hands fall off the bed. His eyes went to stare at the blank walls, wondering if Taka is doing this because he genuinely wanted to, or just because he’s feeling lonely and anxious and craving for human contact again. “You can’t just push me away then suddenly…cling to me like this…this is not how it’s supposed to work, you know...?”

No response. Aside from the subtle tightening of the arms around him.

 _Taka sure is a spoiled brat huh._ An _indecisive_ spoiled brat who wants everything despite not knowing what’s really the most important thing— _who’s really the most important person_ —to him. And that hurts Toru more, because if this goes on…if Taka would still give him these warm, tender affection…all while dating that girl…

“You can’t have everything you know...?” he mumbled, his fingers rose to run themselves through the overgrown locks.

“…but _today_ is my birthday…” Taka mumbled, like a petulant kid, as if that reason would actually justify everything else. Toru glanced at the digital alarm clock on the night stand—it’s already two in the morning. He wanted to say that it’s not Taka’s birthday anymore, but Taka might just…squeeze him to death this time so he just sighed…and relented.

Because…

Because even if Taka had shattered his heart into millions of pieces…Toru would still probably do _anything_ for him.

…

…

…

And he wants to kick himself for actually thinking of that, dammit.

“…and besides,” Taka continued with a sleepy, groggy voice and Toru felt himself lost at that, “we’ve been doing this before right? Even before that night...? so it’s alright…right…?”

Toru wanted to say that this is treading the line between platonic shits and cheating over her girlfriend but damn if he actually cares. Taka is here, and Toru _would take anything he could_ —as long as Taka’s the one giving them. As long as Taka’s fine with it.

“Fine,” he clacked his tongue before he ruffled the man’s hair and pulled the blankets over them, “…but just for tonight…”and just because it’s _still_ your birthday but we won’t be doing this anymore, well, until you break up with the girl—,”

He earned a soft slap on his back for that. He grunted before he leaned down to whisper into the vocalist’s ear before he focused on getting back to warm, warm sleep, “—also, before we pass out…”

_Please don’t leave me again._

_Hurry up and realize your feelings, mou!_

_I don’t want this pain anymore!_

He swallowed—hard—as he squeezes his eyes shut.

“…happy birthday, Takahiro…”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I tried not mentioning the girl as much as possible here. I really did because she has a family (?) now and I might get sued for this but waaah the plot calls for it?
> 
> -Her characteristics were kinda legit, as per the news articles and Wikipedia entries.
> 
> -They were supposed to make up here but darn, it's so early. Let's make them suffer a bit more. And let's throw Takeru in the story in the next few updates.
> 
>  
> 
> Please tell me what you think of this~! I'll really appreciate if you do so! Thanks for reading~!


	50. Good Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transition chapter~
> 
>  
> 
> "Little time not a moment wasted with you  
> I realized to stay  
> We had to break away"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda like the transition chapter that I usually do when I want to skip months?? I think there would be mooore coz I really want to get to the Shibuya AX performance as soon as possible. I apologize in advance if this isn't really that great? It's bland, and rushed and shit. Gomen, gomen.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

They’ve reached a more _reasonable_ truce after Taka’s birthday—doing things for the band like how it’s supposed to be, like how it was before they both fucked it up. But Taka still continued on dating the girl, and Toru was so tired on thinking about thousands of ways to make them _break up_ , the _direst_ was kissing and making out with the vocalist while in front of the girl but that was just _too much_. Taka won’t have to kill him because he would surely _die out of mortification_ if he ever did that. _It’s not just possible_ , and his mind is not that brilliant to actually formulate genius ways, so he just stopped thinking about it already.

Besides, Taka is now more or less getting back to how he was even when he’s dating the girl. He would always sit beside Toru during dinner, stand beside him while waiting for their turn on stage and walk with him back towards the studio for rehearsals. Toru was glad of that. Really, _really_ glad, especially when he always sees _how torn_ Taka looks whenever his girl would call and ask if they could hang out while he’s having dinner or lunch with everyone. He looks like he wanna go, why not? It’s his girlfriend anyway, but then Taka would simply mumble apologies out and silently get back onto the table—sitting beside Toru, like how he used to—to eat with everyone.

He knows that it’s not really nice to think about things that way but what can he do?

It’s not like he could just wipe all of those shits from his mind, right?

_Right._

Anyways, things are getting busy after they’ve released their second album. And though Taka believes—with _burning passion_ that Toru had to smack the back of his neck for saying that _“It’s shit!”—_ that it’s not how it was supposed to be, Toru can say that they had grown a lot from their previous one. The songs were made by almost everyone and he, Taka and Alex-senpai made the lyrics and shits so it’s basically a good thing, right?

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“I still think that it’s shi— _ack!_ ” Taka dodged another smack aimed at his poor head. Toru glared at the vocalist, silently ordering him to shut the fuck up because this is they’re album and if they’re not believing in its awesomeness themselves, then how can they convince the listeners to listen to their music?!

They’re currently in an okonomiyaki shop, the one near their studio—and probably the same one where Taka allegedly brought the girl a few weeks ago—and after a day of rehearsal for their upcoming tour, they decided to fill their starving stomachs first before parting ways.

“You’re always saying that, Mori-chan,” Alex-senpai said, a glass of beer in hand as he lazily played with his share of okonomiyaki across him, “But aren’t you the one who made the lyrics in our songs?”

“What of it?” Taka snapped. Toru face-palmed because he knows that this would surely end up on another shitty argument between the two, “You also made lyrics, right? And Toru-san too!”

_Good job on dragging me into this—_

“ _Maa, maa, maa_ ~!” Tomoya said in a placating manner, “So Takahiro and Alex and Toruge made the songs now, what of it? It’s still great! I can now see ourselves playing in front of a larger crowd!”

Taka narrowed his almond-shaped eyes at him, “Because of our songs?”

“Because of my new drum set!” Toru and Alex-senpai groaned in unison at that cheeky reply, “I bought one! My own set! I even used it for Melody Line no Shibouritsu~!”

“Yay!!!” Ryota cheered with Tomoya for god-knows-what reason, before he suddenly mellowed out, “But the titles still confuse me. It’s so hard to pronounce them! I hope that we won’t have difficult titles in the _future_ , _mou_!”

“And Toruge also bought this ‘ _wah_ ’-pedal, right?!” Tomoya said, lightly bouncing on his seat like a hyperactive kid who’s curious about his playmate’s newest toy, “How was it having a new effect, Toruge?! Was it fun?!”

Toru gritted his teeth. _Thanks Tomoya, for dragging me again into this shit—_

“It was nice,” he blandly said, trying to end the conversation but Tomoya and Ryota are looking at him with wide eyes, like they’re expecting him to do…more _elaborate_ explanations. Or acrobatic shits. Maybe they’re waiting for him to just flip the table and do some shit to entertain them. “It makes unique sounds. Like Morello’s _‘wah, wah, wah.”_

“Huh, look at my precious kouhai getting better in guitars~!” Alex-senpai put an arm around his shoulder and ruffled his curly locks, earning a glare form him.

“What the fuck—,” he tried shoving the lead guitarist away but Alex-senpai won’t budge. Since when he even got stronger? He used to be thin as a fucking stick!

“Tomoya’s playing is getting better too~!”

“Of course he is!” Ryota agreed, while Taka just nodded in approval, huffing as he slid his mini-spatula on the _teppan._

“Tomoya is already great as he is. But this time, he’s putting more effort on his playing, like having this… _soul_ that only he can produce—,” he stopped when he realized that four pair of eyes are now. It’s not new to everyone how Taka _adores_ Tomoya’s ridiculously good drumming skills, but to actually hear him saying it out like that…

_Did he eat something bad for breakfast...?_

“What...?” Taka warily said, subtly pushing all the okonomiyaki closer to his spot on the _teppan_ , making Toru snort because _not everyone_ is trying to steal his okono—

“ _Ack_!” Tomoya hissed in pain when Taka karate-chopped his hand that was about to steal some of Taka’s own okonomiyaki.

—yaki. Okay maybe, Tomoya and Ryota, because he’s now looking at Taka’s more edible-looking one with hungry eyes. The vocalist glared at his oh-so beloved drummer.

“Stop that, mou! After all the good things I said about you, you’re gonna steal food from me?!” he then dramatically narrowed his eyes, “ _How. Dare. You?”_

“Right, Tomo-kun,” Ryota wiped his drool on the sleeves of his shirt, “How dare you??”

“You look you’re gonna attack Mori-chan’s food, too, Ryota,” Alex-senpai blandly commented as he tightened his hold on him so Toru just cease all attempts to struggle free. So he just elbowed the older guitarist on his gut—

“Fuck—!” he gasped before rolling away in pain. Everyone else ignores him because they probably thought that the lead guitarist is just pulling dramatic shits again. Which is fine for Toru. _Great_ , even.

“But really,” Ryota picked up the conversation as if the half-American didn’t just fell won clutching his stomach and muttering curses about his Toru-nii, “We have good songs in this album so I kinda disagree when Mori-chan says that it’s shit—,”

“You’re just saying that because it’s _our_ album!”

“Eh?! No, no!” Ryota shook his head in defiance, “Crazy Botch is a good song! It’s impressive right from the start! And it’s also kinda highlights our instruments, especially Toru-nii’s guitar riffs!”

Toru decided to land a kick on their lead guitarist instead of blushing.

“Ack!” Alex-senpai groaned on his seat, “Damn it, if you want instrumentals then you should’ve just praised _my_ interlude!”

“It’s Abduction~Interlude, Alex,” Tomoya corrected in a sing-sang manner. The half-American glared at the drummer, but he was immune to that. He would only cower under Taka’s stare and if it’s not just a normal thing for the masochistic Tomoya, Toru would find it odd and jealousy-worthy. “It’s cool tho, like it gives the album a break? And it’s connected to the next song, too! But the rhythm is quietly misplaced for the drums to keep up with the guitars! It’s hard but I like challenges! You really did a good job on that!”

Alex-senpai immediately stopped whining like a puss and get back on the table with a satisfied smile etched on his lips. He cradled his chin on his fingers and throw them a commercial-worthy smile. Which Taka and Toru instantly want to punch away.

“Hah! It’s because I made it!” he proudly said, “Playing differently for every song is challenge indeed but it’s where the fun starts, right?!”

Ryota and Tomoya raised their fists as they both agreed with the lead guitarist. Toru could’ve easily agreed to that too but then he noticed that Takahiro is getting detached again. The vocalist had long stopped playing with his food, he was just...sitting quietly and fiddling with his phone like an anxious boy waiting for his crush’ calls or messages.

Toru scowled at that. He had chosen to stay right? So why is he looking like he’s about to be executed?

Toru grumbled and focused on eating, getting lost in their conversations about the songs, the venues, aliens and the upcoming baseball match— _what the fuck_ —that the trio would have to ditch because of their schedules.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“ _Huhhhh_ …” Taka stopped singing as the instruments continued blasting all around him. They’re currently in the studio, rehearsing in front of the floor-to-ceiling mirror to figure out how they would look like up on stage. They haven’t paid too much attention on that in their previous gigs, because they would be just performing in some dark live houses after all. But for their Beam of Light album— _which was released a few days ago and was ranked 17 th in the Oricon chart by the way, lucky them_—they would have to record their final concert in Shibuya AX and Taka doesn’t want to see fumbling idiots on stage for that DVD.

 _I saw the Yononaka Shredder and we looked like drowned rats in there_.

 _Or drenched porcupines_ , as Toru-san had smartly enunciated. Speaking of Toru-san, the younger teen should definitely cut his _ugly hair_ or else, Taka would just have to bang barge into his unit and cut it himself. He doesn’t want their guitarist and leader looking like some… _girly looking man_ with awful hair. He should, I dunno, emit this aura of being a leader!

Or maybe that’s just Taka wanting to see Tour-san back on his normal looks coz he definitely looks better with that. _Hotter,_ too.

…

…

Ahem. Anyways, what really made him stopped singing this time was the fact the he was doing nothing while everyone is banging their heads and rolling around the floor. Everyone moves and grooves like they’re really enjoying the music while Taka was just…standing there, holding the mic and singing normally.

_Which is weird!_

His hands itched to move but what should he do? Should he roll around the stage too? But it’s gonna be small and he would just bump to everyone or trip on the fucking cables—

Wait, _cables?_

Taka tilted his head as he traced the black cables where his microphone is connected. Huh. He might have thought of something to do while the others are doing their instrumentals. It would be flashy and shits but it’s better than suddenly breaking out dance moves on stage right? And he won’t dance because he’s not an idol anymore, mou!

_Those days were over, thank fucking god!_

And so, Taka grinned as he gathered the black cables into his hand and started spinning his microphone into the air.

 

 

* * *

 

It crashed. On the floor. Sending shattered pieces of plastics and metals all over the room as if someone threw a fucking _bomb_ inside it. Everyone was screaming while Taka was just thinking on what he did wrong.

 _I must’ve calculated it wrong_ , he thought, ignoring Ryota and Tomoya’s panicking _— “Oh shit, shit, fuck, Gocchan would murder our ass, Mori-chan!”_ —voices in the background. He also ignores Toru-san’s glaring because a shrapnel almost hit his damn face. _Maybe, I should try it one more time...?_

* * *

 

 

 

 

Taka got it perfectly in the end.

At the expense of five more brand new microphones. His wallet would be _crying_ for days but at least he’s somewhat happy. _Somehow._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 _Takahiro was crying_ , Toru was sure of that.

He was busy unpacking all of his stuffs in his unit, when the vocalist suddenly called in the middle of the night. They just got back from a live in Nagoya and they have been crammed in the Hi-Ace van for hours with hearing and seeing nothing but themselves, so when the van finally topped in front of the Amuse Studio, every one of them was more than glad to fucking jump out of the vehicle.

They bade farewell to each other, and for a moment, Toru almost asked Taka if he needs him to walk him home, like the good old days. But Taka tiredly waved him off, saying that Emichi is going to his unit and that he must hurry home to prepare something. Toru numbly nodded, the warm summer breezed blowing past through him.

Oh, so, now they’re on that level of intimacy huh?

_Does she have his keys too?_

Should Toru be scared to barge into the vocalist’s unit and catch the two doing _nasty s_ tuffs?

Should he just stop going there altogether?!

His hand itched to reach for the vocalist’s hand, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t even breath because with every step that Taka made, Toru can feel this distance between them growing _bigger and bigger_ …

…

_Well, of fucking course you dumb fuck, it will be bigger coz he’s literally walking away from you and you’re not even doing a thing to run after him!_

God. Now his brain is back on being sarcastic and smartsy as fuck. He really hated these times, as much as he hated those indecent thoughts that plagued his mind almost a year ago.

Anyways, he went home with a heavy heart. And a heavy _backpack_. He was exhausted and just about to sleep—he decided to stop unpacking, by the way, he could just do it tomorrow—when his phone rang. It was Taka.

Usually, Toru wouldn’t waste a dumb second before picking up the phone, but he hesitated at the moment. Why is the vocalist calling him when he’s still obviously with the girl? Why is he even calling? Jesus, if this midget would ask some advice _how to get laid_ , Toru would make sure to kick his ass the next time they meet. _Hard._

He stared at his phone for a few seconds. He really shouldn’t bother himself with the midget’s affairs but what if Taka needs his help? What if the girl had left and now he’s getting attacked with his…what do you call that? Abandonment issues? Taka craves the company of other people, their acknowledgment and love so—

He pressed the answer button.

And mentally kicked himself. Damn him for being so concerned for someone who’s not even thinking about his feelings. Damn you, Toru _. Damn you all the way to hell._

“Toru-san!” was Taka’s loud exasperated voice, “What took you so fucking long to answer?! You dipshit, _I could’ve died in here_!”

Wow.

So much for thinking that Taka is currently a damsel-in-distress who needs Toru’s help—

“ _Hello to you_ , too, you uncivilized—,”

“Why are you shouting, Taka-kun??”

Toru instantly froze when he heard that unfamiliar voice. It was soft— _feminine_ —but still audible, like she’s just standing a few feet away from the vocalist— _his vocalist—_ oh you damn fucker, you’re gonna get killed tomorrow for calling me—

“Shhh, Emichi, just…just stay there ne? Let me handle this…” was Taka’s desperate words towards the girl. He heard a soft “hai~!” before Taka shifted his attention back to him, “You still there, Toru-san?”

“No.”

“Bastard!” he hollered, while Toru is wondering on why the fuck he’s still not ending the call. Maybe he’s being a masochist these days? Or maybe it’s also because how Taka’s voice seems like its quivering, how his breath came out in ragged, almost panting puffs. “T-they’re _dead_ …” he suddenly said.

“What—,”

“They’re dead!!!” and then Taka started dashing towards the bathroom—yes, Toru had developed this _fancy_ ability to know exactly what the vocalist is doing right now, judging by the padding on the floor, the slamming of the door and the sound of running water from the sink he was oh-so familiar with. He really should be a detective with his genius deduction skills but he’ll think of his possible fall out career later and focus on WHO THE FUCK DIED AND WHY TAKA IS SNIVELING LIKE AN IDIOT RIGHT NOW—

“Wha—who—who died?!”

Toru held his breath, not really liking the train of his thoughts. Who died? His parents? One h=of his brothers? A close friend? Who? _Who—_

“T-takashi…” Taka sniffled, “Takashi and Hiroshi…”

…

…

…

Toru blankly stared at his phone, “The fuck is Takashi and Hiroshi?!”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Turns out that Takashi and Hiroshi were actually the arowana fishes that Toru gave to the vocalist on the first birthday they’ve celebrated together. So that’s why the names sound familiar. He has this feeling that Taka might have told him the names of their _chil_ —of his fishes but Toru probably just shrugged it off.

_I mean, who the fuck would name a fish Hiroshi? Takashi?_

Apparently, Takahiro _does_. And he grew fond of the arowana fishes that’s why he was bawling like his parents— _or actual children_ —had just kicked the bucket. Toru wanted to slammed his phone down but Taka whined about being him being insensitive and that they’re into this together—we’re not even together, Toru had wanted to say—and that he doesn’t know what to do with large dead fishes floating in his aquarium.

Toru said that he should just, _you know_ , throw them into the garbage bin but then Taka was speaking so fast and filled with so much profanities and fuckeries that his head started to throb in pain. He probably should drag the vocalist to the nearest Shinto Temple and _drown_ him into the water of purification for that filthy, _filthy_ mouth. Not really knowing what to do with dead fishes and a hysterical vocalist, Toru was left with no choice but to _ran_ towards the older’s unit.

He arrived there, his nose wrinkling in disgust as he was assaulted by the scent of the sweet perfume of the girl who was staring at him with wide eyes. Wow, she’s pretty. And tall too. _Alex-senpai said she’s a model so…_

Her eyes roamed on his face, then to the _keys_ in his hands before she glanced back at his face. Toru raised a brow, “Uh, hi...?”

The girl bowed, mumbled some words that he really can’t understand because they were spoken so fast and shits— _not that he cared anyway_ —before the door to Taka’s bathroom went flying open, revealing a snotty-looking brat. Taka looks like a kid, really. _A bullied child_ —hair tousled and puffy eyed. He can’t even imagine this asshole dating this sweet-yet-tough looking girl who’s sitting in the living area, her eyes darting between the two of them in confusion.

“What the fuck took you so long?!” was the vocalist’s _ever-loving_ greeting to him. It seems that Taka had forgotten how to properly greet people and Toru would have to teach him that. Later tho, when he’s not looking like he’s about to burst into tears any damn moment, “They’re already starting to rot!”

He made a face at that as he stalked towards the large aquarium where two dead fishes ae indeed floating. Huh. _So they could actually die, huh? Can we still eat them—_

“Chill down, they’re not rotting,” he calmly said, as he grabs a twig from the water plants peeking out of the water to poke the fishes. They’re hard. _No eating then_. “We should just _dispose_ them, since you can’t eat them—,”

Cue the couple’s gasp of disbelief.

“—why did they even died in the first place?” he turned towards the vocalist who was fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He was still wearing the clothes he wore during their ride earlier. Good. That means no getting-naked happened before he arrived here. Very good. “Did you forgot to feed them...?

“As if!”

“Then why did they died?”

“I don’t know!” Taka snapped, looking stressed and exhausted as fuck, and Toru felt a little bad for snapping at the vocalist when he’s obviously not feeling great at the moment, “They’re just…dead! We arrived here and they’re just floating!”

Toru raised a brow at the word _“we.”_ Of course the girl was still here but she’s conveniently being ignored in the background. Why won’t she just go home, _mo_ u? Can’t she see that she has no place in here? He and Taka has a lot of shits to talk about, important stuffs about like where to put the carcasses of his _oh-so beloved_ Takashi and Hiroshi.

“Okay, fine, no need to get homicidal, ne?” Toru’s voice mellowed as he grabbed the older’s shoulder and pat it—the only thing he can do, in front of the girl, even if every fiber of his being is screaming to just hug the vocalist in distress, “Let’s just…get them out of here, ne?”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

That’s how they ended up in the nearest park at 2 in the fucking morning. Toru’s long sleeves were rolled up to his forearms, his entire body sweating after he just dug a few feet of hole where they buried the damn fishes. Taka should better give him some rewards for the work he had just done— _I mean; I don’t have a fucking shovel! I dug with a fucking cooking ladle!_ A wooden one that _snapped in half_ on Toru’s first attempt to bury it on the dry earth. _Jesus fucking Christ—_

He was doing all the heavy work because Taka decided that it’s better to seat on the bottom of the kiddie slide a few steps away and watch him get his back wrecked by digging for his stupid fishes. The girl was long gone, Taka called a taxi for her and apologize for all the shits that happened— _or not happened tonight_ , like, you know, couple-stuffs—before sending him away with a mournful look on his face, and a _grinning_ Toru behind him.

Good thing that the vocalist didn’t immediately turned around to see the goofy smile on his face earlier.

Anyways, Toru looked up from the mound of earth he just made after he buried the fishes down there. he leaned back to inspect his work and just hopes that the kids won’t try to dig this shit tomorrow morning. Or later. What-the-fuck-ever. He glanced at the silent vocalist who was staring at nothing, and Toru was this close into smacking some sense into him.

_Why is he looking like that? They’re just fishes! Taka can’t even talk to them! They can’t even bark nor meow and shits! SO why the long face? It’s not the end of the world, mou!_

But then Taka looked at him with wide, almond-shaped eyes and every other argument Toru has been dying to say went flying out of the fucking window. Great. Just great. He tiredly dragged his feet towards the kiddie slide and looked down at the sulking vocalist.

“Hey…” he started, not really trusting his brain to form any suitable words to say at these moments, “They’re _totally_ gone now so let’s go home.”

Taka weakly glared up at him.

O _kay, maybe that’s not the right thing to say._

“I mean, we can’t stay here forever, you know? I’m tired and sleepy and you’re obviously sad and shits so can we just go home? Hiroki and Tomohiro are now resting…in peace you know?”

Taka’s glare went sharper, so Toru threw the battered ladle away just in case the vocalist would suddenly steal it and stab him with it.

“What...?”

“That’s my _brothers’_ name, you dimwitted fuck!” he growled.

“Oh.”

“Oh?!” Taka started, his voice rising a few octaves as he began to heave—a sign that Toru should either run for his life, run to save his ears from a shit-ton of scolding’s or just _kiss_ this commanding bastard to silence him.

…

The last choice _wasn’t even necessary_ but hey, it’s 2 in the fucking morning and he’s allowed to make mistakes, ne?

“You don’t even know their name! They’ve been with _us_ for years, Toru-san!”

“Whoah, whoah, whoah, calm the fuck down—,”

“They were there when no ones with me, they were the only one who stayed with me during the first years that I have to spend alone, thinking and wallowing with my shitty thoughts, they’ve been with me when you and everyone else is not around, and you don’t understand that, so shut the fuck up and lemme mourn in peace!”

Toru…

Toru blinked at that sudden outburst. Oh wow, that was kinda intense huh? But hey, he wanted to say that _one_ , he could gladly move in and live with Taka if he wants company 24/7—everyone has been aiming for that because the vocalist is undeniably a good cook and _housewife-material_ —and _two_ , Taka has the balls to tell him to shut up when he’s the one shouting for all the world to hear! How fucked up is that, huh?

Taka is panting across him and Toru felt a bit of sympathy for the vocalist. Maybe the fishes were really important to him, but _what do I know_? Maybe the fishes were really good company whenever Taka is wide awake thinking about all the things that had ever happened to his life while everybody else is sleeping peacefully in their own rooms. Now he felt foolish. He was the one who gave them to Taka in the first place because he doesn’t want the vocalist to feel sad whenever he’s not around…

_And to think that Hiroshi and Takashi really did their job…_

Now he felt like his respect for them soar higher. If you can even respect some fishes. Dead fishes.

And to think that the vocalist had actually _took good care_ of them all these months and years even if he said that he would flush them in the toilet _five minutes_ after Toru had bought them from the pet shop…

He sighed, wiping his dirtied hands on his jeans. He would just take a shower and change clothes at the vocalist’s unit later before going home.

“It’s alright,” he muttered as he beckoned the smaller teen to stand up, “I’ll just buy you a new pair, okay?”

Taka shook his head, making Toru frown in confusion and worry, “You don’t understand, Toru-san…”

“What is?” he asked, “We can just buy and you can name them Takashi and Hiroshi and pretend that they’re the same? That they never die?”

Taka’s scathing looks screamed something like _“you dumb fuck!”_

He winced at that.

“It’s not like that, moron!” he hissed before standing up and dusting off his backside, “You can’t just replace someone whom you’ve got so attached with! It’s not easy, _mou!_ ”

 _Oh yeah?_ Toru scoffed, _then why did you fucking pushed me away when you’re still clearly so damn attached to me, you hypocrite?_

“I don’t wanna any more pet…” Taka mumbled, “They all die anyways…they all leave anyway…”

Toru, for once, doesn’t know how to respond to that somber, melancholic words of the vocalist.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“You’ll stay, right?”

Toru’s hand hovered above the door know of Taka’s main door. It’s almost dawn, and he had just finished cleaning up and changing into his spare clothes—the one he had hid under the vocalist’s closet months ago, _hah! I knew that this idea would be helpful someday! Take that, Taka!_ —and is now about to go home and get his oh-so deserved rest when the vocalist suddenly spoke behind him.

He sighed, glaring lasers at the wooden door.

Takahiro really is a _spoiled brat._

He wants everything— _takes everything_ —that Toru could give to him without even thinking of giving something back. Like the pieces of his shattered heart that he took the moment he pushed him away.

He could easily say _no_ , that it’s not his job to comfort the vocalist when he’s sad and alone _anymor_ e—he’s a got a girlfriend for that—he could easily just say that he’s tired and that he wants to sleep on his bed as soon as possible because his muscles are screaming in pain but… _but…_

The silence in the house was so loud it almost made him deaf. There was no heater droning in the background, no sloshing of water from the aquarium, no sounds of vehicles passing by on the streets outside. It was quiet, and _Taka doesn’t want that._ Doesn’t want an empty house all to himself with nothing but darkness and smothering silence.

He wonders if this is what he means when he said that Takashi and Hiroshi were the only one who stayed when everyone left. Because that’s what Toru is about to do right now, leave Taka alone to let him wallow in self-despair.

He wonders if this has been happening all these time, that Taka has to deal with every time he would leave or every time they would have a fight and avoided each other.

He wonders when would this stop—his _huge stupidity_ that urged him to turn around and face the puffy eyed vocalist and encased him in a warm, tight hug that he was oh-so familiar with. He wonders when would Taka stop asking for it— _he still has a girlfriend, remember_ —asking for the things that he _could have had_ if he wasn’t just too stubborn in accepting his feelings.

But Toru was tired, it has been a long day after all, and at this moment—in the silence of the unit—all that matters is the way how Taka easily melted into his arms, snuggled even closer, like a child seeking _warmth and safety and comfort_ —and Toru is so, so, _so fucking irrevocably dumb_ to just allow it to happen, over and _over again._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -All the shits about songs and Tomoya's drumset and Toru's pedal was taken from these articles, which Chris-Fainello had showed me: https://dnooriani.wordpress.com/2014/10/16/bol-songs-intro/ . Translations is not mine.  
> -Any other things, like Taka's mic-spinning stunts was all fictional. But the arowana fishes actually existed, ne?  
> -Also, Taka and Alex is starting to clash in this period. It was canon, by the way. And it will cause some disturbances in the band in the future.
> 
>  
> 
> Any kind of feedbacks would be very much appreciated! Thanks for reading~!


	51. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transition between Beam of Light era towards Kanjou Effect Era.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _"To be honest, I was afraid of the Quattro tour in December 2007. There were a lot of things I didn't know. But when the final live in Tokyo finished, I understood. We are a band not only with us, five members, but all of you, who stand by us and we stand by you. I realized that."_
> 
>  
> 
> -Taka, WHAT TIME IS IT NOW Tour, 2008

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay of updates. i was busy reading stuffs from the articles that **Chris-Fainello** had given me (thanks again, the site has really good live reports gaaaaah) last weekend. I was supposed to post an update last Saturday but decided against it coz you know, it's shit. But I had to post it gaaaaah
> 
> I'll post another one tomorrow, because this one seems hurried and unfinished. Just have to edit someshits. Also, I'll be posting the winning prompt on Wednesday, July 11, Philippine time~
> 
> Also, be careful everyone T^T the sky is so dark and I think there's gonna be a shit-ton of rain because of the typhoon. Same to everyone else from different parts of the world, please be careful ne?
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except the shitty plot (or the actual lack of it)

Tomoya and Ryota’s birthdays passed in a blur. The youngest was so ecstatic because he can now finally drink alcoholic beverages—well, _according to him_ , since the legal age for drinking in Japan is still at 21 years old. Taka could have smacked the bassist the moment he gripped the glass of beer _but what can he say?_ He started drinking at middle school so he’s not really the right person to do the scolding.

Nor anyone else in that small booth they’re occupying in their favorite yakiniku restaurant. They’re still on the tour for their second album, and everyone is glad to take a few breaks here and there before they finally held their final at Shibuya AX on September.

“ _Why_ do we have to celebrate our birthdays at the same time, too?” Tomoya whined as he fiddled with his chopsticks. It seems that the oldest doesn’t really want to have a single cake for two celebrations—like what their management did to Taka and Alex’s birthdays last March, “I want a bigger cake for myself, _mou_!”

“Don’t complain, dammit,” Alex said, flailing his meat into the air, “At least you’re gonna have _two_ cakes this time! Mori-chan took the entire cake last time!”

“Eh?!” the drummer perked up at that, looking at Taka with wide, shinning eyes like he’s the Messiah or something, “We have two cakes?!”

“Oh yeah,” Taka grinned as he put a medium sized cake on the table. It was from his favorite cake shop, and he ordered it with lots and lots of icing just for this celebration, “I ordered two so we could _dump_ your face on this one—,”

“WHAT.”

“—and still have another to eat later!” he announced, clapping his hand before grinning—all teeth and sparkling eyes—mischievously to the drummer, “ _Saa_ , happy birthday to the both of you!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Ah, ah!” Ryota said as Taka shoved him towards their heavily disgruntled leader’s shoulder, “Be care… _careful,_ Mori-chan...!” he slurred, “I think the wall is coming to get me…”

Taka sighed as he slings the youngest’s bag onto his shoulder. The damned bassist was so enthusiastic to have his first taste of alcohol—and he was fine, giggling like a high school girl for about half an hour before he suddenly passed out. Everyone screeched when he suddenly slumped forward, the ever-alert Tomoya magically pulled the plate of grilled meat out of Ryota’s face.

“Gah!!!” Taka screamed when the bassist’s head hit the low table, “Look what you’re kouhai have done to himself, Toru-san!”

“What?!” Toru-san looked up in bewilderment as he roughly pulled the unconscious body of his childhood friend, “This is not my fault, you dumbass!”

“Oh yeah?” Taka huffed, “Isn’t he your responsibility coz you’re practically the one who dragged him to Tokyo?”

“I didn’t drag him—,”

“Can I eat his yakiniku—,”

“So imagine what his Mom would say if she knows about this!”

The rhythm guitarist’s face instantly paled at that. Taka snickered when Toru-san suddenly become a fussing father to Ryota who’s now muttering about unicorns and flying baseballs. Damn, maybe drinking is still too much for the kid _? I mean, he sure looks like he can take a whole bottle of beer but…_

Maybe he had over-estimated the bassist’s enthusiasm. Well, at least, this will be a reminder not to let the youngest to drink too much in the future. Or not at all, coz god knows how his Mom and Nee-chan would hunt their asses for allowing Ryota to get himself shit-faced.

“Then I’ll tell her that this is your fault!” Taka gasped in pure and utter betrayal when the younger teen glared up at him, “We’re in this together you bastard!”

“What the fuck—,”

“Dad’s right, _Mom_ ,” Taka flipped a middle finger at the direction of their lead guitarist, who was now fishing out his phone from his jeans, “This will be a good blackmail material in the future—,”

“Ack!” Ryota groaned when Toru-san suddenly let go of his shoulders, causing the youngest teen to hit his face on the table for the second time, “Aghhh that hurts…”

Taka stared at the rhythm guitarist who’s now absent-mindedly patting his kouhai’s shoulders, as if that would actually solve anything, “What, you’ve got blackmail-worthy pics in Alex’s phone, too?”

_Cue_ Toru-san’s violent coughing fit and the flashing of the smug grin on the half-American’s face, and a munching sound from Tomoya.

Taka blankly stared at the taller teen.

_Huh…_

He then raises his palm, as if beckoning the lead guitarist to hand him over his phone, “Lemme see—,”

“NOOOO!!!!” Toru-san growled from the ground as he deposited Ryota’s face somewhere on the floor. Poor guy. He’ll definitely wake up with a shit-ton of bruises on his face. “Don’t you dare, Alex-senpai!”

“I’m hurt, Toru-san!” Taka cried in indignation, “Why is he allowed to see it, while I’m not?!”

“Then _get hurt even more_!” the rhythm guitarist spat making Taka’s eyes widened in shock. Well, it’s probably just spitted out in the heat of the moment and Toru-san probably doesn’t mean it, but damn it doesn’t hit a sore spot within him. It’s like a thousand arrows hit his chest upon hearing that. Let him hurt? Jesus. _Make that a gazillions of arrows._

“Because you probably had already seen it, Mori-chan~!”

Taka’s brows furrowed in confusion at that. “Alex-senpai, you traitor!!!”

“It’s you who left my precious little kouhai in that state, anyways so— _ack_ —,”

Alex wasn’t able to finish that revelation because Toru-san suddenly appeared behind him, clamped a hand over his mouth before he pulled some awkward and lame wrestling skills onto the half-American. Taka watched them in awe, and slight concern because if they continued on making a ruckus like that, the shop owner would probably ask them to kindly fuck off. And he didn’t want that. They haven’t eaten the cake!

But no, the two guitarists probably shared the same _level of stupidity_ because they really went on fighting like preschool kids. A few moments later, they were already outside, with a limp, babbling Ryota clinging to his Toru-nii.

“I hope you fucking die, both of you,” Taka grumbled as he glared at the two guitarists—especially to Toru-san who’s practically hiding under his ugly hair, “Come on, Toru-san, time to dump Ryota back to his unit.”

“Hai.”

“That’s why you’re not moving forward, Toru,” Alex grinned knowingly, earning a pair of laser-beam glares from the vocalist and the leader. Meanwhile, Tomoya is still holding the box of the other cake, looking down on it like it’s some precious thing or something. Maybe he’s still feeling bad for all the meat and food they’ve wasted today because two idiots— _ehem Alex and Toru-san_ —decided to fuck up their evening by acting like complete brats.

“Tomoya,” he said, making the drummer look at him in confusion, “Come to my house in the weekends, I’ll cook some meals for you to make up for the yakiniku we wasted today, ne?”

You should’ve seen how Tomoya’s face brightened like the fucking sunrise, at the same time that Toru-san’s darkened like the night sky. Jesus.

“Ah! Takahiro, you’re so sweet!”

“That’s unfair!” Toru-san cried, adjusting his lifeless kouhai, “I want yakiniku too!”

“But Toruge’s always the one who’s eating Takahiro’s best meals!” Tomoya reasoned out, “Can’t you give this chance to your senpai, even once?”

“Since _when_ did you became my senpai—,”

“It’s settled then!” Tomoya grinned, earning a killer look from the defeated leader, “We’re gonna have a date on weekend, Taka-chan!”

 

 

* * *

 

The _date_ went well.

_“Well”_ as in Tomoya really ate almost everything, giving Taka just a s mall portion of the mean they’ve been grilling. It sucks, and he’s probably looking like he’s about to stab Tomoya into pieces, but he kept his cool— _smiling_ , albeit begrudgingly—and told the drummer to eat as much as he can.

_And he did._

And what’s worse is that everyone suddenly appeared out of nowhere, telling that it’s about damn time to celebrate the release of their album which was charted for four weeks. Taka said that he doesn’t wanna—that he doesn’t have any more meat for everyone but Ryota suddenly presented a high-grade meat that his Mom sent to him for his birthday.

Taka was instantly serving water to everyone as they made themselves damn comfortable in his dining table. Damn. Meat would really be the death of him. And his wallet. And patience. Because this would definitely evolve into another fist fight and scream fest again because apparently, they have this magical ability to find everything and anything worth fighting for.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Upon embarking on the _taiban_ tour for their album, they’ve spend more of their break times composing new songs for their upcoming their album. Everyone decided to do another one, something different than the previous two, something that would finally make them officially labeled as a rock band. _No poppish sounds anymore,_ Taka thought, and we will do it even if we have to replace all the sound engineers.

Well, as usual, that’s easier said than done.

“ _Are you crazy_?!” Alex said, one fine evening while they’re in the middle of finalizing the demo for their first single. It wouldn’t be released as a separate single, but will only be played in the radio. They would also make a MV for that—soon—when they found the suitable engineer for their newest album.

Taka and Toru looked up from the MacBook across them at the sudden outburst of their lead guitarist. Ryota and Tomoya however, remained sitting on the floor and were quietly munching on their snacks. The _Taiban_ sucked the energy out of them—playing with different people and different bands every leg is something to thank for, but it costs a lot of physical fatigue too, especially for newbies like them. They’re clearly overwhelmed during the tour, and this…desire to be greater and even better gripped Taka’s heart so much.

He wanted to learn more, he thought while watching the more popular bands play from behind the stage. He wanted that sight— _a sea of people of different ages and genders and nationalities_ —across them as they played good music. He wanted that _sounds_ —something that they have been dreaming of having since the beginning of their journey; but somehow forgotten it in the rush of making as many songs as they could.

 

 

* * *

 

“I want a one man-tour,” Toru-san said beside him, sitting cross-legged while they watch the band perform yet another famous song that makes the crowd roar in excitement, “ _Bigger_ than this, _better_ than this.”

There were no promises said, but that time, Taka realized that were both aiming for the same thing. Their small, realistic dreams slowly transforming into wild ambitions. Screw what the fucking management wants— _they’re gonna do this album however they want_ —closer to the Western sound they _all_ adore so much.

* * *

 

 

 

“You think we have enough time to find another engineers?”

Taka looked at the half-American, “I don’t know, but we will do it. I can do it _; Toru-san can do it_ —it’s not easy but isn’t what we’ve been doing right from the start? Toru-san has been booking our lives before, so how different this could be?” he narrowed his eyes, “We would do it, if we won’t, we wouldn’t be able to reach our dreams!”

“It’s not about the dreams, Mori-chan,” Alex countered, “It’s about being realistic here! How many songs do we even have at the moment?”

“Four!” Tomoya answered from the floor.

“ _Demos!_ ” Ryota said, “They’re all demos though.”

“Exactly!” Alex padded back and forth in front of the huge mirror wall, “We can’t spare more time into looking for another sound engineers when we could’ve used all of our breaks into making songs and improving our older ones! Like the one we made at the same time as Hitsuzen Maker. What’s the title of that anyways?”

“Kokoro _blah blah_ kobito,” Toru-san said, “We still haven’t made any title for that but we could manage. I can add another song if we really need more, but I agree with Taka that we should replace our engineers—,”

“Heh,” the half-American snorted and Taka was so, so fucking close into throttling that motherfucking pole, “That’s rich coming from you. Weren’t you he one who’s smacking Mori-chan because he’s saying that the album is shit?”

Taka then glanced at the leader who’s now hanging his head in defeat. That’s right, _Toru-san, what’s with the sudden change of heart?_

“Well, _maa,_ ” Toru-san began, “That’s true but that’s before the _taiban_. I mean, I learned a lot of things during the tour from a lot of people…and seeing how different their music is from ours, and how different our current sound is form the one we’ve been aiming for, it slowly dawned to me—,”

Taka snorted at that. The guitarist flings an empty paper cup at him.

“—that we really have a lot to improve for, and we won’t be able to do that if we…if we stay like this? Am I making any sense?”

Taka slowly clapped his hands to mock their rhythm guitarist, “ _hai, hai,_ thanks for that wonderful speech. As expected of Leader-sama!”

“Why you—,”

“Are getting it now, Alex?” he turned his cheeky smile towards the half-American. He’s still pouting but Toru-san has probably pounded some sense into that thick skull of his to make him doubtful and not as determined to go against Taka’s plan like earlier, “We’re a live band—so we should make songs that would sound great not just for the album but while we’re performing it on stage too! Imagine how fun it is to make the songs even better than the recorded one?!”

“That’s badass,” Toru-san nodded in agreement.

“I have a lot of things I learned too,” Tomoya slowly said as he nodded his head, “There were a lot of great drummers out there and I want to be someone as good as them. I want to make sure that Takahiro could sing 100% comfortably in every show, that’s my mission as a drummer!”

Taka felt his cheeks heat up at that. _Damn this bastard, knowing the words that could make everyone melt, mou!_

“Your mission is to play the drums and keep up the rhythm, mou!” Taka said, “Now, let’s just focus on researching shits and introducing our songs to engineers around the area. Then we would do the taiban tour and the final show at AX, is that alright?”

“You’re acting the leader, even if you’re not,” Alex mumbled.

“I heard that!”

“Because he probably wants you to hear it, moron,” Toru-san said before he leaned back on the cushions of the sofa, “Taka’s right if anyone has a better suggestion then you better say it—,” all four eyes darted towards Alex-senpai, who just rolled his eyes and raise his palms in defeat, “—if none, then let’s just proceed in preparing for our third album, na?”

“That would be difficult,” Alex said as he dejectedly plopped his ass on the floor, “I mean, we’ll be working with someone who’s entirely new to our music rather than doing it with the person we already know! Aren’t you scared about the changes?”

“I am!” Ryota screamed at the top of his lungs, “I mean, I’m scared and all. I like Beam of Light but just as Toru-nii said, we won’t improve if we just stick to our own roots! Do we even have a style of our own?!”

“Don’t shout, Ryotaaa~!” Tomoya warned in a sing-sang manner.

“What do you by ‘bit’?” Toru-san deadpanned.

“I also said that! Give me some credits, mou!” Taka huffed.

“Ugh,” the lead guitarist massaged the bridge of his nose when the four idiots started bickering over non-sense stuffs again and straying off the main topic. “Fine, fine, let’s do this shit,” he finally relented, making Taka and Toru exchanged a look of conspiracy and grinned like motherfucking killers, “But if we’re gonna go as far as this, our new producer and engineers should better accept our ideas with and open-mind, ne?”

Taka smiled, loving how the lead guitarist finally agreed on their plan. Even if Toru-san is the leader, and even if Taka would fight tooth-and-nails for his idea, they really can’t just implement it without everyone’s consent. Alex, as much as  Taka hated it, is still one of the biggest deciding shit in this band—he was one of the original members, remember? And whatever he says will always matter because he’s as important as Taka and Toru, as Ryota and Tomoya—and with his admirable skills in playing metal music, Taka knows that they would reach greater heights if the lead guitarist would just calmly cooperate with them with all his time and heart.

Taka frowned, looking down on his palm. It’s sweating like fuck, maybe because summer is already here? His hair is also getting curly on the ends that’s why he’s taking it to the stylist to make it flat or something. His hands are shaking, but he just shrugged it off, thinking how the band would probably collapse if Alex won’t be there in the future.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Taiban" is a type of concert or tour where there are multiple bands each night. (LOL I JUST COPIED THE TRANSLATION/MEANING OF THE WORD FROM THE ARTICLE. You can find it here: https://cure4thecommon.livejournal.com/219743.html)
> 
> -Koi no Aibou Kokoro no Kupido was supposed to be Koi no Aibou Kokoro no Kobito. It was taken from here: http://www.jame-world.com/us/articles-6615-interview-with-one-ok-rock.html (this kinda reminds me of the other changes in titles before? Like..."Niche Syndrome" was supposed to be "Burn-out Syndrome" and "Juvenile" was supposed to be "Jonathan." _Jonathan?_ seriously, Taka? WTF)
> 
> -Other infos were taken from articles from the same site. Just scroll through them. I was reading one and saw the interviewer asking them if they have dream venues, and Taka answered that it would be nice if they could make it to Domes or Arenas. I feel proud of them all over again gaaaah
> 
> -Ryota's birthday is on September, and the Shibuya AX show will happen at September 12, 2008, so let's just assume that this chapter happened halfway between Tomo and Ryota's birthday, ne? Probably August. LOL
> 
> Please feel free to make corrections, suggestions or just criticisms on my work! I would really appreciate if you do that. Thank you very much for reading~!


	52. Heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why didn’t I realize?  
> Why did I tell lies?  
> Yeah I wish that I could do it again  
> Turnin’ back the time, back when you were mine (all mine)
> 
> So this is heartache?  
> So this is heartache?  
> All the regrets I gathered  
> Turned into my tears, oh baby"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to regular programming. Please ignore my shitty unfinished shits in the other Series. This...this wasn't like how I planned it all. They were supposed to make up here, again, but I decided against it coz Taka hasn't suffered enough. Just a few more. I promise that a few chapters after Shibuya AX, they would finally make up. 
> 
> Anyways~!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The show at Shibuya AX is coming closer and closer and Taka is getting more nervous as days goes by. It’s weird—really, really weird, add that to the exhaustion due to the tour, and the constant rehearsals and recording of songs— _they’ve found a new producer and engineers by the way_ —Taka can feel the stress piling up and up, threatening to suffocate him at any damn moment.

_Ii na…_ Tomoya and the others were doing stuffs of their own. The drummer is now being inclined in playing mahjong’s and other board games—which scared Taka because what if his pure, _pure_ Tomoya would wander into the dark side of the society?! How can they move towards their dreams if their drummer is addicted in gambling?!

Ryota, on the other hand, has finally had the guts to move out from the Amuse dorm, although he would do it after their Shibuya AX show on the 12h of the month. Alex and Toru has been hanging out together, talking about chords and riffs and shits that Taka can’t really understand. The rhythm guitarist has been staying out more frequently these days, choosing to hang out with the other members rather than with Taka, just like the good old days. His reason is something like “ _you’ve already had a girl, so why don’t you spend more time with her?”_

It stings like a bee but damn. He’s right. And Taka has been kinda neglecting Emichi because of the tours and recordings. Besides, being with Toru-san, is just getting him stressed out, even if they’re being calmer— _more like they’re getting tired of constantly fighting, arguing and bringing up the past_ —around each other these days.

That’s why hanging out with Emichi has been the _good distraction_ he oh-so definitely needed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Their meetings grow more frequent—much to Toru-san’s dismay— _I can see you glaring at me, you bastard_ —as days passed by. The casual hanging out sometimes leading to nice conversations and mild making-out sessions—

Because what do you expect to happen between two people going out _? Just private talks and shits?_

No. there has to be something else. _Something specific._ Something that lead Taka going into the girl’s unit—because god knows when Toru-san would just barge into his own and embarrassing himself and the girl in front of the overly-protective guitarist. He won’t risk that. _Ever._

_I really should also change my locks, dammit._

And now, he’s hovering over the girl—surrounded by the scent of her sweet perfume, looking down on her form—pretty and gorgeous and soft on all curves—splayed over the smooth silks of her sheets. He could see the smile on her lips, the sparkle on her bright eyes—and for a moment, Taka thought that this is _where he belongs_ —this is where a _man_ belongs—not…

_Not beneath Toru-san_ …not beneath any man.

Feeling triumphant that he finally found that place, he leaned down for a kiss—the lips soft and plump and accommodating—

Not parched and demanding and _aggressive_ to invade his own—

There was an image of Toru-san lying beneath him, across him, hovering above him—

Taka leaned back in shock and everything was suddenly different—heavily-lidded eyes stared up at him in confusion and impatient, hands tugging at his sides as a mischievous smirk curled at the corner of those perfectly sculpted lips.

“Wha—,”

_Toru-san?!_

He blinked, and the image was _gone_ —Taka might be seeing hallucinations, or he’s just going insane because he’s suddenly seeing a man that was not there—replaced by the flustered face of Emichi below him. He leaned further back, not understanding why there’s this heavy feeling within his chest—his heart beating wildly, _maddeningly_ , like it’s about to leap out of his chest.

_Matte, matte, nani kore?!_

He paled, sitting on his haunches as his eyes glazed—memories of all the times they’ve kissed and literally tumbled on the shits flashing into his mind—Toru-san’s warmth, his body pressing against him; Toru-san’s hair tickling his cheeks and jaws and neck as he peppered kisses on the exposed skin; Toru-san’s scent—smoke and tobacco and ramen and his damn shampoo; Toru-san’s lips—that annoying smile, a smug grin, before he slowly leaned down to capture Taka’s very, _very willing_ and impatient ones—

His breath hitched at those thoughts.

_Where is Toru-san?!_

Where is he?

Emichi worriedly sat up, looking at him in worry, “T-taka-kun?”

_Where was he, dammit?!_

He was at the end of his limit. At the breaking point and he’s actually thinking—expecting—that the rhythm guitarist would just burst into the room to save hi and hug him and take him away from it—but no. No Toru-san would come, because Taka had pushed away, pushed and pushed until he had finally given up—and let Taka go—

_Then there's the images of Toru-san across him. So, so close, his eyes lidded and his cheeks flushed and his thin lips parted in disbelief as he stared at Taka, as if he's the center of his world or something._  
  


His frantic wide eyes darted towards the girl—she looks so pretty but Taka can’t feel any reaction from it. His dick won’t go up, his blood won’t flare in desire just by thinking of all the things the two of them can do—it’s not working, this is not working—

_"Taka...Takahiro..." he mumbled, angling his head to the side to catch those lips in the filthiest kiss he could muster._

Out. Out. He wanted out.

_"How can I, when the thing I want most is to make the band successful with you and kiss you for the rest of my life?!” He hiccupped, and Takahiro wants nothing but to reach out and cup his cheek, then kiss the soft, dark skin under his eyes. “But I know… I always knew that something would happen, that someone could...could tear us apart! That you wouldn’t want…”_

Back. He stumbled back while shaking his head in denial. “I-I’m sorry—,”

_"Yeah," he shrugged, "We could try, going back to whatever we are before that night. Before you pounced on me—,"_

“What..?”

He can’t. he can’t do this anymore. Back. He wanted back. Back to Toru-san—back to the place where he belongs. It’s not here, not anywhere else. He’s supposed to be there—wherever their leader is.

“I’m so sorry, Emichi,” he hastily said as he hopped off the bed, backing away like a scared, abandoned kitten, “I…I think I need a _break_?”

Taka knows that he’s being unreasonable and that he really should explain why he’s acting like someone is out and hunting him to murder his ass, but how can he explain something he, _himself_ , couldn’t understand? There were so much thoughts, so much _memories_ , so much _regrets,_ so much longing that it makes him dizzy and nauseous, but amidst all of those crazy emotions that’s threatening to tear his mind open, there’s one thing that he’s sure for.

_I’m an idiot._

“What...?!”

“I’ll call you later, ne??” he said, grabbing his stuffs before he dashed the fuck out of the girl’s unit.

_I’m a stupid, good for nothing idiot—_

He chokes back a sob as he rode the elevator. The operator eyed him, probably wondering why he’s looking like he’s about to throw a huge fit but Taka doesn’t care anymore. He would go back to Toru-san’s unit and beg for his forgiveness—

“ _Anoo_ ,” Taka snapped his head towards the operator, “What happened? Trouble in paradise?”

Taka felt his eye twitch in irritation at that.

What the fuck. Does this man just…just casually asked him about that shit? _Who are you to ask that to me, you fucker—_

“No,” he said through clenched teeth, “And I would really appreciate if you would just shut up and do your…your…” Taka dumbly pointed to the button panel, “button-pushing thingy.”

The man blankly stared back at him.

“You didn’t even say what floor you’ll be getting off—,”

“Just bring me on the ground floor, _oh my god_!!!” Taka let out a shrilly sound in pure annoyance. Jesus Christ, why can’t everyone just leave him the fuck alone to wallow with his tears? Why can’t he just teleport to Toru-san’s unit! Now he wanted Doraemon’s _dokodemo_ door more than ever!

Taka was already jumping off the elevator as soon as the doors parted open. He flipped off the disgruntled operator before he practically runs towards the glass doors. He needed to go home— _to Toru-san’s side_ —every fiber of his being screaming and begging him to just run the fuck towards there but he’s not a superhero with supernatural powers so he still took a taxi.

Every second he spent inside the car seems like a fucking torture to him.

_Gaaah._

Taka’s feet bounced wildly on the car floor, his teeth gnawing on his fingernails in pure nervousness. What would he say to Toru-san? Can he just waltz into the unit, tell Toru-san that he had, more or less, broken up with the girl because he can’t don’t have the guts to fuck her? How could he, when instead of a pretty, smiling little girl, all Taka can see was a smirking, arrogant and always-bored Toru-san instead? Could Taka just walk into the unit and slid into his knees, telling the man how utterly stupid he was for _taking so long_ , for torturing both of them by being so fucking dumb, for throwing the precious, _oh-so precious_ thing that has bloomed between the two of them?

Would Toru-san even forgive him?

Would Toru-san even accept him?

Or maybe… _maybe…_

Taka’s eyes darted towards the busy streets of Tokyo. Large LED billboards were lighting up the place, the establishments were still open brimming with people. There’s a lot of vehicles, red and yellow lights turning into blur as tears glazed over Taka’s eyes. He can see the silhouette of tall buildings towering above the moving car.

Taka felt so small, Taka felt so _weak._

He feels so anxious, insecure—someone needing for reassurance that he hadn’t completely botched it up this time because what if Toru-san has changed his locks while Taka was busy trying to get into his girlfriend’s pants?!

…

…

Okay, maybe his source of frustration wasn’t really…the _right one_ , but hey, it’s kinda big deal too! How can he enter the fucking unit if Toru-san had changed his locks? What if the man would never open his door for Taka? How could he go inside and beg for forgiveness, huh?!

_I don’t want to climb up a tree and jump from it to reach his damn balcony, dammit!_

The era of sakura-climbing is so over.

Anyways, Taka wants too just curl up. His brain hurts, his body hurts, his _heart aches for someone_ —for Toru-san’s hug’s warmth, scent and everything that makes him his beloved leader.  That’s why when the taxi stopped in front of the apartment building, Taka was almost running out of the car—almost hitting his face on the curbside when his feet decided to trip on itself. He huffed, dashing towards the stairs and taking two steps at a time.

The game they were playing would be soon over.

_It will be over._

And Toru-san _would_ be there, sitting on the couch—that Taka gave him for his last birthday—idly playing with his guitar as their demos were blasting in the background. The unit _wil_ l have the lingering scent of smoke and pizza or whatever the brat had ordered from some random food chain—but they _would_ be washed away by the summer breeze coming from the open window. Toru-san _would_ look up at him, surprise gracing his features before his eyebrows would knit together in confusion and worry—because Taka rarely rushed towards his unit, it was always the guitarist who’s busting into his, whether he’s worried, or bored, or drunk, or just to annoy the shit out of him—and probably because Taka looks like shit right now. His ironed hair standing to every direction, face sweaty and flustered as fuck and he was heaving as if he just ran a marathon— _all for Toru-san_. Toru-san who _would_ then smile and raise his arms, beckoning Taka to just come closer and let the leader to hug him—

_I’m sorry…I’m sorry…_

Tears streamed down on Taka’s cheeks as he finally reached the goddamned floor. His lungs feel like they’re about to explode and his knees were threatening to buckle beneath him. It would just a few more steps, and he would be there.

_Toru-san would be there—_

A strong sense of déjà vu crashed onto him, his mind remembering his last birthday when he was unknowingly, desperately craving for the guitarist’s presence.

—he _would_ be there, and Taka would run towards him, and hug him tight because he had missed him and he’s ready to fuck all the other shits just to be with Toru-san again—just to restore what was lost between them, _pride be damned_. He wouldn’t care about labels anymore, wouldn’t care about gender roles anymore because at this moment, he doesn’t know if he could even live without the rhythm guitarist by his side.

_He had saved me._

And from that moment, Toru-san has held Taka’s life and hope and dreams within the palms of his hands. He had taken it all— _and now, Taka is willing to give everything_ , to risk everything for him because—because—

I…

_I…love…_

More tears spilled from the puffy rims of his eyes as he noisily fumbled with the keys, the sound of the metal was so loud in that quiet corridor. He unlocked the door, pushed it open to see—

_The game is over._

—Toru-san was _not_ there.

Not in the kitchen nor in the bathroom—not even in the bedroom. Taka weakly dragged himself towards the couch as he plopped his exhausted ass over it, tears rolling relentlessly on his cheeks as he bit his lower lip in an attempt to prevent himself from crying like a small, abandoned child. The realization hits him like a wrecking ball. The absence of Toru-san just when he needed him tore him into painfully shattered pieces.

I _…I love…?_

_The game was over._

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Taka waited, but the dawn came and Toru-san didn’t even show his annoyingly handsome face.

_I…I..?_

* * *

 

 

 

 

And Taka…

_Taka had lost it all._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Good riddance. I hope the girl won't show up in any succeeding chapters anymore gaaaaah
> 
>  
> 
> Any kinds of feedbacks would be very much appreciated! Thanks for reading~!


	53. Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You say it's all right  
> You say it's ok  
> It's up to you?  
> Is that the truth? tell me  
> I'm feeling used  
> With no one to save me  
> You say it's all right  
> Does that make it OK?  
> What's best for you is less for me  
> It's my decision"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing happened in this chapter, I swear. Just some kind of filler for the Shibuya AX Live. It sucks.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was _actually_ a good thing that Toru-san wasn’t in his unit when Taka came barging into it as if his life depended on it. He was confused, overwhelmed, scared and anxious about this new-found feeling within him.

He hugged his knees at that. He was back in his unit, had dragged his tired body—which wants _nothing_ but to just fall into an endless slumber—back to his unit. He was _half-expecting_ to find the rhythm guitarist there, in his unit, lounging on the couch or dozing away on his bed, heck, Toru-san could be rummaging and raiding his fridge for all that matters and Taka won’t give a shit about it. He would even join him because all the thinking makes him starve like _fuck_.

But Toru-san wasn’t there and Taka felt that burning pain slicing through his heart again. _Let this be a motherfucking lesson to you, Taka—Takahiro_ —he chastised his brain as he pushed the door of the bathroom open, hoping, _for the last time_ that the guitarist was just there and hiding to give him one hell of a surprise later, but it was empty— _don’t fucking assume that Toru-san would always be here whenever you expect him to be. Save yourself from all the disappointment and heartaches, you dumb fuck._

It was easy to say that, but once the sun started rising and Taka was still awake—hugging his knees, his headphones on his ear, and blasting his eardrums with loud music—and thinking of all the implications of his feelings, he had this growing feeling of fear. Of _need._

But hey, one thing was clear to his mind right now—it’s the fact that this feeling is not new, it didn’t just _poofed_ out of thin air when he was about to get laid last night—it was _right there_ all along and he was just blind and oblivious and in denial to notice it.

That feeling—of need and dependence on the guitarist, the _feeling_ that could make him smile and could make him burst into tears whenever he sees the leader, the _feeling_ that gives him warmth and satisfaction and contentment whenever they’re beside each other, the _feeling_ that make him want to hug and kiss and touch the younger, that makes him want to be the only one, the _feeling_ that brings out the _worst of him_ —jealous, possessive, annoyingly clingy and needy—

The feeling that also, ironically, brings out the best of him—that makes him sing with confidence, makes him look forward to the years to come, makes him desire things, makes him appreciate life, makes him dream bigger and aim higher.

And now, that feeling finally—fucking finally—has a _name._

Taka rocked back and forth, trying to prevent himself from crashing down again.

_Love._

It was love all along.

_But Toru-san…_

Tears silently cascaded down his cheeks.

_What would Toru-san think...?_

Would he…would he still accept Taka with wide, open arms? Or did he get enough? Did he finally got fed up of Taka’s never ending stupid decisions?

He was tired, and all that he wants now is to curl up and sleep. Love is not something Taka has been expecting. And it scares him because _the last time_ he thought he has fallen in love resulted with his heart getting broken, his career getting shattered, and his life going straight down the gutter.

Love is _dangerous…_

Love is…

_Love is…_

Taka squeezed his eyes shut, praying that when he wakes up, Toru-san would be there—right by his side.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru stared at his phone. Taka is not answering his damn one even if he had called for about 6 times now. He’s gonna ask about some details in their upcoming show in AX but the dumb vocalist is still probably sleeping, or fucking his girl in god-knows-where.

_Is he okay...?_

His brows furrowed in confusion and worry for their vocalist. If their relationship wasn’t just so _complicated,_ Toru would waste no time here, standing in his unit and staring at the phone as if it’s the most interesting thing in the world. He had just arrived—the door to his bedroom and bathroom ajar, _which is weird_ because he usually closes them whenever he leaves. But maybe the album-making was just getting on his nerves and made him forget to do that? —from a drinking session with their former dorm mates. Ryota was also there, as well as Alex-senpai and that weird Satoh Takeru who kept bugging the bassist about Taka.

He can still remember how bright that man smiles whenever Ryota shares something interesting about Taka—how good he is in cooking and arranging stuffs, cleaning up their messes and singing with all his heart. It was weird, especially when Satoh-san would sigh in content, his eyes sparkling in excitement for something.

For what?

And Toru finds it weird. Creepy.

 _He sounds and looks like a stalker_ , he snorted as he put his phone on the couch. He should just focus on learning to play his parts even better for their upcoming live, instead of worrying about Taka. _He’s honest_ , he thought as he plucked his guitar and propped it on his lap. He would play a few songs and goes straight to sleep later. If the vocalist is in distress, he would definitely tell Toru about it—would definitely goes running to Toru for comfort, despite having a girl of his own.

So he knows that Taka is doing _fine._

Well, probably _more than fine_ because he’s probably with his girlfriend right now, spending their day off with his lover.

And Toru…

Toru _hates_ the bitter taste that it leaves his mouth.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Takahiro looks alright when he appeared in the studio later that day, but his eyes were red-rimmed. Probably from crying, probably from sleeping too much, probably from rubbing it too much because the tears won’t just stop from falling that he actually need some tissues.

But he ran out of tissues. _Motherfucker._

It’s not like he needed it anyway. His _arm-eating_ sleeves we’re good enough as a substitute.

Anyways, now that he’s gotten enough sleep, his mind somewhat cleared—like someone put a huge-ass industrial fan to shoo the fog clouding it away. The analogy isn’t the best but his mind is tired so give me a fucking break, dammit! Well, now that the mist has dissipated, he can finally think about his situation without wanting to burst into tears and crawl towards Toru-san every 5 minutes.

Huh. That sounds like he’s mega exaggerating shits. Make that _6 and a half minutes._

He can now think of things…like how would he tell Toru-san that he’s ditched the girl and is now ready to _fu—I mean_ , resume whatever shit they’re having before Taka freaked out and dropped the bomb that fateful night. He narrowed his eyes at his reflection off the floor-to-ceiling mirror, his long, straight fringes covering almost half of his eyes _, damn you perverted brat. You just realized shits and now you want to go jump straight to fucking?_

How shameless can you be?

He decided to take things easy by the way. He would tell it to Toru-san, of course, but maybe after the AX live? He doesn’t want to burden the leader with his feelings. He doesn’t want to _tip-off_ the delicate balance they found for each other. He doesn’t want to further mess things up. And most of all, he don’t want to get hurt—because what if Toru-san won’t like to go back? What if Toru-san won’t accept him?

That’s gonna tear him into pieces.

And it would surely affect his singing, his performance, his entire outlook in life. And that would obviously fuck up the live they’ve been working for these past few days. They want it to be perfect— _Taka wants it to be perfect_ —and a mistake or two just because he couldn’t focus or because his voice is cracking from too much crying and screaming _will not be acceptable._

So yeah, he would tell it to Toru-san after the live. He will continue on acting like nothing’s wrong, like he hadn’t reached the tip of enlightenment last night, like he didn’t realize his feelings for the guitarist. He would act normal and cheerful and nonchalant about the rhythm guitarist’s presence.

_He will not be a needy and clingy demanding piece of shi—_

Toru-san suddenly appeared before him, hand landing on his forehead to check his temperature.

“Are you sick?”

And damn, _damn_ Taka’s self for instantly leaning to the touch, eyes closing at the contact of calloused hand on his warm, flustered skin— **ah,** he had missed this warmth and it would be nice if Toru-san would stay still and touch him more and by touch he doesn’t mean just on the forehead; the leader could slide his hands downfuck _fuck fuck—_

Oh.

My.

_God._

_What the actual fuck, Takahiro?!_ His mind screeched at him, making him blink out of his drugged-like state. _Didn’t you just decided that you won’t be needy and clingy demanding piece of shit? Where does your resolve went to?_

 _Out of the window_ , he cheekily answered. Which is weird because you’re not supposed to make a conversation with your inner self. Your overly realistic and snappy inner self.

“No,” he deadpanned, prying the hand away of his face because he might hold for it for his dear life if he won’t shoo it away. He averted his gaze from Toru-san’s worried eyes, “I’m fine.”

“Fine,” he heard Alex snorted in the background. Naturally, he glared at the half American. “You’re over-spending again, Mori-chan. You brought a video camera and a shit ton of button-up clothes—since when did you even wear those stuffs?”

“Since _when_ did you had the right to question my expenses?” he snapped back, “And what if I wear button up clothes? I’ve been wanting to wear them for a _long time_ now!”

“But you said you hated them _yesterday,_ Mori-chan,” Ryota looked up from tinkering with his bass, “So stuffy and constricting. A night just passed and now you love them?”

“Well, fuck you, Ryota—,”

“I’ve got food!!!” Tomoya announced as he entered the studio, and Taka’s anger was instantly directed towards the ever-innocent drummer.

“—and fuck you _, too,_ Tomoya, argh!” he said—ignoring Tomoya’s “eh!? I didn’t do anything!”— as he straightened his messed up fringe, “I’m fine okay? I’m just…I’m just nervous about the performance in AX! It’s huge and it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious about it, alright?”

Sure, Taka. _What a great lie._

That everyone seems to easily believe because they suddenly burst into a conversation filled with shocked gasps and excited blabbering’s about the place, and how would the trio would bring their baseball gears— _wait, what? What the fuck? We’re gonna have a concert, not a fucking neighborhood baseball game!_ —so that they could unwind and stop the nervousness from eating up their system before the live.

Taka sighed and was about to go back to his spot on the floor when he noticed that Toru-san is still there, standing so close and looking at him with confused eyes. Damn, he looks completely _unconvinced._

“ _I think_ you’re lying,” he said, soft and simple. Taka weakly glared at him.

“And _I_ think that _you_ should watch your face,” he said through clenched teeth—anger and anxiety and all the pother shits pouring out of him before he threatened their leader, “Before I throw a fish against it.

Toru-san owlishly blinked. “A _fish_?”

Taka was just as confused—but not for too long.

“Fish? Wha— _no, not a fucking fish_ — I meant _fist_ , you dumbfuck—a fist, dammit! Why would you even think that I would smack you with a fish?!”

The guitarist shrugged, “I don’t know, you tell me. But seriously, are you alright? You weren’t answering my calls earlier...?”

 _“Well, I was busy crying my eyes out, you know,”_ is what Taka would love to say but that’s like admitting that he’s not alright, even after adamantly insisting that he’s fine. So he just shrugged and played the innocent.

“Well, I was sleeping, Toru-san,” he said, ignoring the laser eye beams directed at the side of his face, “People do that at those hours. How about you?”

_Where were you when I needed you earlier?_

He bit the inside of his cheek at that. He doesn’t have to be snappy, heck he doesn’t even have the right to ask the whereabouts of the leader. He’s not his boyfriend. They were _not_ lovers. Taka paused, suddenly surprised that the idea of him and Toru-san being lovers didn’t disgust him. At all.

But, if they’re not lovers, then…

_Then, what are we before...?_

The thought hurts, so even before the guitarist could open his mouth to respond, Taka has already beaten him into speaking, “Never mind. Just…after our rehearsal, do you wanna drop by at my unit?”

He watched as Toru-san’s brow arched in interest.

“I mean, we could hang out and I can cook midnight snacks for us while we polish the demos for, what was it again? Living Dolls?” he asked, eyes shining in desperate attempt to have the guitarist’s attention and time again. _He’s sure_ that Toru-san would come, he might even run for his home the moment they’ve dispersed out from the studio— _just look at how his dead stoic face brightened up by that._

He was so sure, and he even mentally list down the food he would cook and if he still has enough _Mirin_ and sake in his cabinet. They could watch MVs and he could ask Toru-san to play the guitar for the song that was slowly taking its form inside Taka’s head _so—_

So imagine his surprise when Toru-san suddenly shook his head in a remorseful manner, clearly indicating that he will not be able to come and Taka’s heart almost climbed out of his throat at the pain of that rejection.

It was subtle and probably unintentional but damn if it didn’t make him want to just weep on the floor.

“Gomen, I have…” Toru-san awkwardly scratched the back of his head as the glimmer on Taka’s eyes quickly faded out, “I have to go to an acquaintance’s house. He’s supposed to teach me how to be better in playing the guitar so…”

“O-oh,” his breath hitched at that, as he gulped down again and again to prevent himself from just bursting into hysterical sobbing, “That _sucks_.”

“WHAT.”

“I-I mean, that’s good! You wanting to learn more shits about guitar,” he said, as he looked up at his reflection behind Toru-san—ugly, gross, tired, desperate, _hurt_ —, “Just do what you have to and drop by if you can. Like the old days, ne?” he said.

“I will,” the guitarist nodded as he peered down at him, “But are you sure that—,”

“Mou, I said I’m fine!” he said in a loud, off-handed manner before trudging towards Tomoya who didn’t even bother to ask if he wants some food, “Tomoya! Come to my house later!”

Tomoya look up from the meat bun he’s about to chomp on to, “But I’m gonna play—,”

“There’s food!” he said, as he plopped down next to the drummer who instantly perked up at the mention of food.

“Alright!” he said, smiling before tilting his head towards Taka, like a confused little puppy, “Are you sure you’re alright, Takahiro...?”

Taka hated it, the way Tomoya could easily see through him, but hey, since he had already lied to Toru-san, why not do it to the drummer as well?

“I am,” he said, his face splitting in a soft, pained, obviously forced smile, “I’m _fine._ ”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 "You're supposed to be in your acquaintance’s place," Alex-senpai said as he watched Toru stared at the blank walls of his unit, “That’s what you told Mori-chan, right?”

Toru grunted, plucking and strumming the guitar strings so harsh that it might just snap at his face or something. There’s something wrong with Taka, and it irks and scares him. It’s like…like he wants to go back, back to how everything was—having meals together, even asking him to drop by, when he was the one who’s always throwing a fit whenever Toru would just randomly have popped into his unit. He has a girlfriend, but the look he was giving to Toru earlier was—was—

Need.

Desire.

Desperation.

Adoration.

Pain.

_Longing._

And…

_And…_

Toru bit his lip and ignored the curios looks the older guitarist is shooting him. He would deal with it later, after their final live for this tour. He would deal with Taka, later and find out what’s going on in that pretty little head. He would just wait and see what’s gonna happen next, what’s the vocalist will gonna do next. A part of him—the sadistic, overly hurt part of him was saying that he should just _ignore_ the older teen but how could he—

How could he, when every time he closes his eyes, he could see that emotion— _the emotion he was craving to see all these times_ —swirling in those dark, almond-shaped eyes.

Love.

It was _love._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think, tho~! Thanks for reading!


	54. BEAM OF LIGHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"That’s right. And after “BEAM OF LIGHT,” we did AX. The impossible one. [?] That live performance was awful. And frustrating. We had to work a little harder."_
> 
>  
> 
> _-Morita Takahiro, Rockin'On Japan: June 2012 Issue_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, I'm back with a horrible chapter gaaaaah!!! Thanks to everyone who were concerned about me, I really appreciates them. Sorry for taking so long T^T and I was really lazy and exhausted and drained these past few days that I just want to hide and sleep forever. But then, I realized that there's so many things that I should be looking forward to, like Chris-san's articles, like 10969Mima's birthday, like my friends' trips overseas, like those badges, like waiting for the office fitout to be finished before the week ends, like going to the neko cafe, like the English translation of the Russian Toruka fics, like greeting my cats good morning when they're screaming for food on my face--there's just too many things-even if they're small, simple things-that I could look forward and get motivated for. I hope that you all have some those little things to get going for. 
> 
> Anyways, on with the story. I promise that they will reconcile in uh..one..two...three, at most, chapters.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. OOR will never be mine.

Shibuya AX was so filled with people that the heat is making Taka somewhat feel light-headed. Even in the cold and dark backstage, Taka can feel the cold sweat blooming on his temples—it’s probably because of the accumulated body heat out there, or because of the black button up shirt snuggly fitting on his body— _damn, why did I bought these again? Am I making a fashion statement or what_ —or because of the curious, laser-beam gazes that Toru-san is shooting at his direction, he really couldn’t tell.

_Why is he looking at me like that?!_

_Does he know??_

_I hope not._

Taka teared his gaze from the long-haired guitarist. They were acting normally in the dressing room earlier, facing the camera for the documentary with smiles on their faces. Taka bouncing around on his boxers, Toru-san laughing without a care in the world and the three eating and playing their hearts out like hyperactive kids.

 _Said_ hyperactive kids are now looking down on the floor as well, a look of pure fear and nervousness plastered on their faces. Ryota is bouncing on his feet, rocking back and forth, Tomoya is sitting on the floor, drumming his palms onto his thighs while Alex is pacing to and fro—looking like they’re about to face _execution_ rather than having their final show for the tour.

The stage was barely decorated— _simple_ suited them the best after all—their instruments on the stage, with Tomoya’s drum kit in the center. Taka doesn’t really want to be here, doesn’t want to play the songs they made with so much _indifference_ in front of so many people. It’s not like he hates Beam of Light.

He just really, really, really, _really_ doesn’t like it.

…

 _It’s the same?_ Eh?

Taka frowned, his brows knitting on confusion as he waited for the manager to call them.

Anyways, Taka didn’t really like the album because it’s not made with the same passion they have for their debut album. It was more like _a necessity_ , an order from the management to release songs after songs even if they’re feeling shit and all. They were so uninspired— _the balance of the band dynamics tipped over when they had arguments after arguments_ —that they could only listen to lots and lots of music, the sources of their music so various that he _couldn’t even tell_ what’s their genre is—what’s their album is all about.

 _It’s all messed up_. But it’s not like they have a choice. The management wants it—heck, they even hung a huge banner outside bearing the album’s name, right?!—and if ONE OK ROCK won’t record songs, they _wouldn’t grow_ —they wouldn’t achieve the sound they all wanted. They all sounds so off, but they had to do it, perform it, even endorse it on radio programs even if it always leaves a better taste in his mouth.

He’s a _motherfucking huge hypocrite_ for that.

That’s why…

That’s why he vowed that this would be the last time they would do that shit, management be damned. They would create the songs on their way, _on their style_ —even if it’s still _non-existent_ at the moment. They would do it; _we would do it—_

“Ah!” Ryota suddenly said, making him snapped his gaze towards the youngest member who’s pointing a finger at him, “Your face is scary, Mori-chan!”

_What the fuck._

“I was born with this face, _you idiot_!”

Toru-san snorted in his dark, little corner. Taka wanted to punch him, but he decided that he’ll do that after the show, he still needs a rhythm guitarist— _no matter how ugly his hair is._ Not that he’s any different, he even had to iron his hair flat so that he won’t look like a drenched porcupine in the videos later. _I mean, I don’t want to have a repeat of the Shibuya Quattro Live._ The era of being drenched rats has been long _over._

“But it’s really scary!” Ryota whined, “Are you nervous?”

“Of course, I am! Everyone here is nervous— _and don’t smirk like that Alex_ , I would punch you in your face if you tell us that you’re not,” he threatened the lead guitarist who immediately raised his palms into the air in mock surrender.

“Chill, Mori-chan, why are you so high-strung?” he asked, a leering smirk gracing on his lips, “Is your _girl_ gonna watch us tonight—,”

Cue Taka and Toru-san’s _simultaneous_ coughing fit. Everyone stared at them in worry, especially since every cough is on time with each other—like they fucking got a shit-ton _of rehearsals_ for it. Tomoya paled in the background, probably aware that _there are things_ that you really shouldn’t say –aloud—especially when you’re gonna be having a performance 10 minutes or so later.

 _One_ of those things is about Taka’s girlfriend.

 _Former girlfriend_ , his mind purred _, you ended shits with her when you ran like a headless chicken that night, remember?_

Taka groaned, gulping loads of air to regain his steady breathing. And to stop himself from just attacking the half-American. Why are the guitarists so annoying today, mou! Is it not enough that they have to perform those awful songs?!

Apparently _, it’s not enough_ because Ryota—their _oh-so_ beloved Ryota who could never read the atmosphere just by being so pure and fool and naïve—decided to add more _fuel_ to the flames.

“So, can we finally meet her later, Mori-chan?” Ryota asked, fidgeting on his spot, “Why won’t you introduce us to her? I promise we’ll behave!” he said, pulling Tomoya—who suddenly paled and looked like he’s about to dash towards the nearest exit for his dear life.

Ryota poured a _truck-load of gasoline_ on the fucking fire with that question alone.

“Can…” Taka slowly said, his hand clenching and unclenching at his sides. “Can someone please shut Ryota up or else—,”

“Eh?!”

“Hai, hai, stop huddling there like you’re planning to take over the world!”

“Gah!!!”

Everyone jumped in surprise when Gocchan suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He looks displeased that his black-clothed boys were hissing and murmuring some shits in the dark back stage instead of actually _preparing_ for the show.

“You scared us, mou!” Tomoya whined, putting a hand on his chest.

“If you were not just too busy talking about stuffs, you would hear me _coming_ —,”

Alex instantly guffawed in laughter at that. Everyone looked at him as if he had finally lost his sanity. Gocchan looked unimpressed. Well, he always looks like he’s carrying the weight of the universe on his shoulders, but damn, Taka doesn’t really want to be at the receiving end of their manager’s scolding. It’s always light, not a scream fest but the man could easily make them obey like preschool kids whenever he would cross his arms, his eyes dead-serious and voice low as he reprimands them.

Just like _now._

_Sucks to be you, Alex._

“You really should lessen the time you’re spending on watching porn, Alex-kun,” he said, making the half-American stiffen in fear. “But anyway, there seems to be some shit going on with the tuning, we’re trying our best to compensate for that—,”

“What?!” was Ryota and Tomoya’s unified reaction, “What should we do!?”

“Panic,” Toru-san blandly said, “We should panic,” he said, his suggestion a huge contrast on how he looks so calm and bored and shits.

“I love your _creativity_ Toru-san,” Taka snidely said, making their manager rub his forehead din exasperation, “We really should panic, that’s it, instead of I don’t know, thinking of something that could actually help the engineers and save ourselves from getting humiliated on stage later—!”

“Don’t fucking shout at me, you—!”

“Then refrain from stating your dumb ideas, you dumb fuck—!”

“I will choke you with the collar of your shirt if you insult me one more time!”

That instantly made him zipped his mouth shut. As well as Gocchan who just stared at the leader with an unamused look on his face. really, Toru-san _should’ve known better_ than to spout those words when their manager is around.

 _Especially_ when their manager is around.

“Fuck, that’s kinky as hell,” Alex said, after recovering from his momentary shock and giggling fits, _because the half-American had probably lost his sane mind already_ , that’s why he’s laughing at almost everything now, “Seriously, Toru?”

Okay, Toru-san should’ve also known better than to spout those disturbing words when their _perverted, dirty minded_ lead guitarist is around.

“I’m seriously gonna throttle you to death, Alex-senpai.”

Gocchan coughed into his fit because he was forgotten to rot in the background. The three stopped glaring at each other and instead focused on the grim face of their manager. Gocchan’s eyes darted to the sounds engineer signaling something from the stage.

“—I think it’s okay now,” he said, looking at them. It’s a mystery how the darkness shrouding his face earlier easily dissipated and is now replaced by this…warm expressions on his face. He’s now smiling at them, like how a father would—when he’s proud at his children’s accomplishments.

“Eww, gross,” Toru-san muttered beside— _wait, when did he even get so close to me_ —him, probably thinking of the same thing. Wow, it’s really scary how their thoughts are in-sync, huh? What if Taka would think about perverted stuffs? Will Toru-san be able to see those stuffs too? Stuffs as in Toru-san’s face just before he comes against Taka’s hands, his eyes shut closed, head thrown back, neck bared as sweat dribbled down on it. His then brown-dyed hair strewn all over the place as he muttered Taka’s name— _along with a few curses and shits_ —over and over again.

He fidgeted on his spot. Damn, this shirt is really stuffy huh _? Is it just me or it suddenly went hot in here?_

Okay, maybe not. He really hopes that the rhythm guitarist couldn’t’ see what he’s thinking. Not yet. _Gaaah._

“Well, this is the day, kids,” he said, showing his palms at them, “You’ve grown a lot since the Shibuya Quattro Live—,”

Taka wanted to say that it’s just almost a year since that and they really didn’t grow towards being better but Gocchan looks so serious and kinda…was that tears on his eyes? Is he crying?! Like a proud dad?! Seriously? Eh?!

“—even if you turned out to be _little shits_ and developed this nasty habit of coming in late,” Gocchan said, eyeing the tall part-time model. Naturally, Alex had to retaliate.

“Eh _, nande_?!” he cried, “Why are you suddenly talking about me?! No one said a word when Mori-chan threw fuss every fucking day—,”

“Well, _fuck you_ —,”

“—okay, _every other_ day and when he started going out with girls!”

Taka felt the tip of his ears burned crimson at that.

“He didn’t go out with lots of girls, mou,” Toru-san said, to the rescue, like a knight in shining armor. Or black shirt. With nasty hair. Whatever. “It was just _one._ ”

“And we broke up so it doesn’t really matter anymore,” he mumbled under his breath, hoping that no one heard.

“WHAT,” Toru-san spat beside him. _Oh for the love of god_ , why is he so fucking unlucky today?! He inwardly groaned and pretended to stare at their manager’s face, as if he didn’t say anything. He ignored how those heavily lidded eyes were practically boring holes at the side of his head.

“Never mind, never mind,” the manager grunted in exasperation. Careful Gocchan, if you always look like that, you’re gonna get white heads soon! “Just…just do your silly engine thing and get the fuck out there.”

“Ah! Gocchan swore!” Tomoya said but followed nonetheless when the grumpy manager just flipped them off and stepped aside so that the camera could take shots of their huddling before every live. Taka finds it odd, but this will be recorded for the short documentary so they might as well give their best for this. They were led into the darkest part of the room, by the end of the hall.

“We can do this, we can do this,” Ryota chanted to himself, pumping his fist to make him feel less nervous or something.

“Let’s do this, everyone,” Taka called, as everyone huddled together—putting arms over each other’s shoulder to form a circle. They have done this countless of times but the thrill of letting out all your nervousness and anxiousness and excitement right before a show never fails to grip him. “Here it is.”

“Here it is, here it comes,” everyone repeated after him, pertaining to the final show for their tour. The era for the shitty Beam of Light would end and they now could finally walk forward, move towards their third studio album.

“It’s very hot out there,” he heard Alex muttered behind him. It’s true, but it doesn’t matter to Taka anymore, because the crowd suddenly started screaming and Taka— _amidst t_ he passionate dislike he’s feeling for the album, _despite_ the feeling that it’s wrong to perform those half-hearted songs live, felt his heart skipped a beat at the sounds of girls’ and boys’ shouting out there.

Adrenaline surges through him, and once more, he felt that tightness in his chest—the sense of accomplishment, the burning desire for their ambitions, the _overwhelming_ gratitude to everyone and everything—

“Here it comes!” he said, “Ah, this is bad! _This is bad_!” he muttered, moving away from the circle because that’s what you when you’re suddenly attack with a sense of foreboding—not just for the show, but for the aftermath. He would tell Toru-san about his feelings afterward. _He would tell him_ , and Taka is getting scared shitless because of that.

The Abduction Interlude played soft and loud in the background as Alex coaxed him into getting back into their huddle. He couldn’t talk much—it was Tomoya and Alex who did it, saying how they can do this shit, how long they’ve waited for it, how nervous everyone is, how they would slay this show. Taka finds the entire engine redundant, they’ve done it inside the dressing room so why…why…

This is so lame.

_We’re so fucking lame._

“We can do this!”

And then, a warm hand landed on his back—running up and down in a soothing manner and Taka doesn’t have to look up to know who’s it is _. He knows_ that warmth, the ridges of callouses on the fingers, it’s spread on his back like it has always did whenever Toru-san is soothing him, whenever the leader is trying to comfort him—not with words because they both know how the guitarist suck at that—or whenever they spent in silent times together.

Toru-san is _here._

Toru-san would _always_ be here.

And that thought alone, makes Taka gulped down all the doubts and fears blooming within him at the moment. They made a hushed version of the engine, the crowd roaring outside, and Taka decided that they might as well have fun in this live, for the sake of those who came tonight to see them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The scream of the crowd almost busted Takeru’s eardrums when the Abduction Interlude filled the venue. Shibuya AX is definitely bigger than Shibuya Quattro, but it’s still filled with people who came to watch ONE OK ROCK, just like him. He could see the gallery still brimming with fans, towels from the previous gigs draped around their shoulders as they bounced impatiently on the tight spot.

A small smile graced his lips as he turned his attention towards the stage, the blue spot lights making a searching motions—as if they’re searching for the band members in the darkness.

_Ah! I’m really lucky to be able to come to this live!_

He couldn’t believe it—the once small indie band is now performing in AX, and they’ve already released two albums so far! Both of them were good, even better in live. It’s been almost 3 years since he first heard the sound of the band, since he first heard Morita Takahiro’s voice…

His eyes widened in delight when the said vocalist entered the stage last, fans screaming all around him. It’s been almost three years and he has yet to have a decent conversation with the small man— _I’m older than him, if I can remember it perfectly from Ryota’s stories in the dorm._ He was always with the rhythm guitarist, Yamashita Toru whenever they met. He was a shy person, and it makes Takeru smile a little at that rather irony of it. Here he is singing loud and wild pop-punk songs as if he owns the crowd when he was practically hiding behind their leader when they met in Harajuku last year.

He’s like a walking irony.

A man full of conflicts and mystery.

He seems to be wearing his heart on his sleeves but he can tell that there’s _something more_ beneath those almond-shaped eyes, beneath those wide grins and extravagant hand motions.

There’s _more than_ what the crowds could see in Morita Takahiro and Takeru—as the melodies of their recent album played loud in the hall—decided that he will be the one to conquer. The world is a small world after all, and he knows that one day…their paths would cross again and he would take that chance to know more about the vocalist.

_One day…_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The performance is a burst of energy, as Toru could feel in his own little spot on stage. Tho the instruments were not finely tuned as they want them to be, he can still feel the AX vibrate with so much confidence. He can hear Tomoya's thundering drum roll, the bass shining in certain songs, and the guitars rocking it in stop-start melody that saw the pair in an almost call-response style with the guitars fading in and out of the steady bassline.

And Taka...

He said that he hates the songs but look at how the vocals shine, reverberates and command the crowd like he was practically born to do so. He was still doing that mic-spinning stunt _—I just hope that he won't hit my head again, gah, that hurts like a motherfucker!_ —as he trotted across the small stage.

"I was really nervous!" he said during the short break between songs, dragging his chords onto the stage, "I feel sick coz this is AX you know?  Bigger than our previous venues, and we have more people here than in the last live in 2007!"

Toru shot him a curious glance. Taka looks good with his button up shirt _. But I bet he'll look even better without it—_

Fuck. Now he's back with those thoughts. He wonders why? Because the object of his _affection/horniness_ is out of his reach again? But it doesn’t make sense. He was sure, confidently and smugly, that Taka is so near his breaking point. That the vocalist is so damn close into admitting defeat, judging by those longing looks, eyes glazed and his subtle actions of leaning towards him.

  
_"And we broke up so it doesn’t really matter anymore"_

And that small slip... _what does he mean by that...?_

Toru didn't have the chance to ponder about that matter anymore because they were suddenly playing Borderline, followed by one of their newest songs for the next album.

"Do you wanna hear a new song?!" Taka raised his arms and pointed his mic towards the audience who screamed their agreement. He nodded, a satisfied smile gracing his features before he nodded to Tomoya, then to Alex-senpai— _eh, why are you not looking at me, you_ —before the crazy energetic riffs of Koi no Aibou Kokoro no Cupido reverberated in the air. The song was too fast and Toru always wondered during their rehearsals if he can pull it off, the way their lead guitarist could, in the future. It's wrong, but the feeling of desire to have his own guitar solos is getting stronger and _stronger_ as the create more songs, as he watched Alex-senpai play them with ease, as the distorted sound of the guitar wails into the air.

_Ii na..._

He hopes that someday _...someday..._

 _What?_ His mind snapped, just as Taka sang the last verse, leaving it to the instruments to finish the song. _You need to be the lead guitarist to do the solos. And to be the lead guitarist, Alex-senpai needs to..._

He swallowed at those thoughts, looking down on the stage as sweat dribbled from his forehead to the ground, that can't be. He shouldn't be thinking about those stuffs, not here during a live, not anywhere else.

Alex-senpai is _irreplaceable._

No one could fill in the position of their lead guitarist, no one, _not even Toru._

" _Ano saa_ ," Taka panted in the front, "I think we're gonna release another album in November—,"

A huge cheer from the crowd interrupted his MC. He grinned, obviously loving the audience's reaction, before turning to look at them. Toru arched his brow, when those almond-shaped eyes linger a bit longer on his drenched form before focusing on the crowd again.

"I really _, really_ wanted to join a band. It's my dream since high school, heck, even as far as middle school," Taka was saying.

 _What was that?_ He frowned, eyeing the crowd and meeting one of the familiar gazes of his former dorm mate. _Satoh Takeru_ , his mind supplied. An actor, an Amuse talent and a very, very avid fan of Taka's voice. He probably had a busy schedule so seeing him in almost all of their gigs...

_He must really, really have wanted to meet Taka, huh...?_

Toru politely smiles, nodding in acknowledgement, and making a mental note to do something about it—as a payback for being one of their avid fans, even if he's mostly just here because of Taka—before he focused his attention to the long and sappy MC their vocalist is feeding to everyone.

"There's a lot of things that I still want to do as a child, like you know, running away from responsibilities,"

What the fuck is the midget telling to everyone?!

"But now that I'm already 20, I realized that I can't do that anymore," he pouted for a moment, before bouncing back with a bright smile that could lighten up the entire AX, "I'm an adult now, and a proper adult doesn't run from his mistakes and responsibilities, ne? We should make way for our dreams, and if we fail, we should always, _always_ know how to face the consequences and move on— _move forward_ —because if we stay down there, we're not gonna be able to grow, alright?"

Toru wonders if the vocalist wrote a script and memorized it for this MC. But then again, Taka is blessed with this wonderful ability to spout snarky stuffs and inspire people the next moment. Damn, his mouth can really do a _lot of things_ — _and oh for the love of all holies and chaste,_ Toru's mind was instantly flooded with images of Taka kneeling in front of him, with that generous mouth and lips on his—

_Fuuuuuck._

He squirmed and tried to focus again. Taka is now playing with his new video camera and filming the roaring crowds while saying something about a documentary DVD. Wait, when dis he even pull that camera from?! Okay, maybe Toru should really put his _head_ onto the performance, _not into Taka's—_

Kemuri, was _thankfully_ played, followed by the powerful ballad of Et Cetera. He could tell that the audience is still being awed by that somber song, especially when Taka ended it with a hushed _"bye-bye."_

"Oh, okay," Taka said as the lights went up for another session of MC, "I'm getting tired of doing all the talking, let's hear it from the other members, ne?"

Toru and Ryota exchanged a totally frightened looks. _What the fuck, this was not included in their plans!_ Heck, they don't even have a plan in the first place!

Taka faced them, but everyone automatically averted their gazes because they sure don't want to speak like the vocalist. Thankfully, it was Tomoya who roared a loud " _Ureshii na_ ~!" to fill the tensed, awkward silence on stage. Taka laughed at it, the audience cheering wild as he stalked towards Toru and leaned over his shoulder like he's some kind of wall that was conveniently placed on stage.

"Okay, maybe our members are kinda scared to talk. Ryota," he said, the bassist jumping on his spot as the spotlight pointed to him. He looks like he's gonna shit in his pants any moment from now, but he really couldn't dwell too much on that coz he's busy getting distracted by Taka's warmth on his side.

_Just when I'm struggling to focus, mou!_

"Say something!"

"Eh?!" Ryota eyes him in helplessness before he gulped and turned towards his mic to stutter out some gibberish that sounds foreign to Toru's ears.

"How about you, Toru-san?" Taka suddenly put the mic towards him. It happened too fast that all he managed to do was to dumbly shake his head. Taka raised an amused brow before he took the mic back, "Our leader is too shy for his own good, mou!"

The crowd laughed. Toru's heart did fucking somersaults.

"He's already good but he still wants to be better! I think he practice playing guitar even in his sleep!"

" _Uso_!" the crowd said in disbelief.

Taka laughed, mouth split open with a huge self-satisfied grin as he pushed himself away from the rhythm guitarist. Toru _didn't_ almost whine at the loss of contact.

" _Uso dayou_ ," he said, pulling the chords toward him, "But seriously, he's a hardworking guy. A capable leader, and that makes him a cool guitarist, right?"

 _Right,_ Toru's heart beat in agreement.

"Too cool that he might beat Alex in being the lead guitarist!"

What.

"I'm cool too!" Alex-senpai pouted, making the girls shriek in delight, "and I won't lose to my kouhai!"

Toru feels like he really should kick the vocalist's face for starting this shit but the audience love it, so maybe he'll do it later. The MC was soon finished, thank fuck, and the next lines of songs were played. A bright flash of floodlights announced the start of Koubou. Taka continued to stride confidently, owning the stage as hot white lights pulsed to the beat, illuminating the entirety of AX like the sun, rather befitting the song title. Crazy Botch was fun to play, allowing Toru to create distorted scratching sounds on his beloved guitar that sounds cool together with Ryota's bass.

There was another short pause after that and Toru was so, _so_ close into throttling the vocalist off the stage. But thank god it was snot him who's about to get all the spotlights this time.

"So, _nee_ , cool lead-guitarist-sama," Toru almost gagged at the sickly sweet sound of Taka's voice. Years of dealing with this kid taught him that only humiliation could follow that sugary tone, "Show us some English skills. You're half-American, right?"

The smile on the said half-American's face went tight before he glared at Toru, practically saying something like " I'm gonna strangle _your_ Mori-chan."

Toru shrugged.

"Uhm..." Alex-senpai awkwardly scratched the back of his neck as he leaned towards his mic, "Thank you?" he said in English.

Everyone burst into a laughing fit, especially Taka who almost sank on his knees as fits of laughter shook his frame.

"Ahahahahaha!!! So lame, so fucking lame, get out mou!"

"But you asked for it!" Alex-senpai defended, "It's not like I grew up in States!"

That made the girls coo at him, even if he just made a fool of himself. Heck he could probably make the girls swoon just by fucking _breathing, I swear._

"Alright, let's move on to Tomoya," Taka padded towards the sweaty drummer who smiled at everyone. "What can you say about our live today?"

"I can't believe that we're really playing here in AX! It's so awesome!" he nodded to everyone, his matted fringes clinging on his forehead, "But I can feel it! There's something even bigger that would come to ONE OK ROCK!"  


 

* * *

 

 

 

"Bigger, huh...?" Taka drawled as he retracted, the black chord of his mic trailing behind him, "Like how we're gonna be playing the next lives in Zepp Tokyo and Yokohama Blitz?"

The crowd went wild at that announcement. I mean, who wouldn't be? They were just playing gigs in some small live houses a few months ago and now, they're gonna do that in Zepp? _Holy fuck._ That's definitely big!

"It's kinda scary too, you know?" Taka admitted. "It's like the challenge is getting bigger as the venue goes larger. They keep on coming, _more and more_. But we will do our best and become a strong band..."

The last songs went in a blur, the encore consisting of their new songs and older ones from their indie-era. And as Taka's soft voice filled the air in that short, lovely moment, with only Toru's guitar accompanying him for Keep It Real, Toru could only remember the last words that the vocalist had told the audience.

"It's because of you that we've managed to come this far!" he said as he made an extravagant bow to the crowd, "And it's because of all you that we're gonna move forward! Thanks for coming! We are ONE OK ROCK!"

And then the lights went out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Most of the events mentioned above, especially parts of the MC and the description of the place and the songs were taken from these articles:  
> (1) http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/28895843798/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-3  
> (2) http://www.jame-world.com/us/articles-5870-one-ok-rock-at-shibuya-ax.html
> 
> -The other shits that I used were from the Shibuya AX Mini Documentary (only a few minutes long), which was released along with the Kanjou Effect album, and from here:  
> (1) http://www.jame-world.com/us/articles-4779-one-ok-rock-tour-2008-what-time-is-it-nows-.html
> 
> -Takeru Satoh, being in Shibuya AX is probably legit, tho I'm not sure if for this specific concert, based on the Alternative photobook: http://miyuki-fukuyoshi.blogspot.com/2014/10/takeru-taka-cross-talk-from-sato-takeru.html. Translations are not mine. (And lol Toru-san, aren't you regretting thaaaat)
> 
> -Toru showing signs of wanting to do guitar solos was kinda based on his reason against recruiting a new lead guitarist for the band, when Alex left. Because if he did allowed it, then he would still be in the back, being the rhythm guitarist.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, I know that this is shit but still, please tell me what you think of it~! And I hope that you're all doing fine~!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	55. The Way Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am still broken into parts  
> There is my mind there is my heart  
> Nowhere for me to run and hide
> 
> You only live to serve yourself  
> Come crawling back when you need help  
> After you burned there's no one else
> 
> You know the way back  
> You just crush right into me  
> but it's not so easy, now...  
> All the way they crack"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mentioned sometime ago that DREAMERS would only be around 150, 000 to 200, 000 words...? I did. Well, uhm...ahahahaha...
> 
>  
> 
> It's the 100th chapter~! And that meaaaans--
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. OOR IS NOT, AND WILL NEVER BE MINE.

Taka hurried out of the toilet after he pulled a fresh shirt over his warm body. He had freshened up, washed his face and pulled his hair back in a haphazard manner—making him probably look like a _disgruntled shit_ but fuck if he cares. Everyone is already leaving and he still hasn’t managed to talk to Toru-san. And by talk, he means cornering the younger teen in a dark corner, confess his undying love— _ugh, eww, gross, am I really gonna say it?!_ —and then kiss the _hell out_ of those perfectly sculpted lips because _damn._

It has been _too long._

And Emichi’s soft, supple lips imitate how those thin lips make Taka feel wonders and pleasure and sparks and all the fireworks and shits. _Heh._ Okay, maybe he’s exaggerating with the fireworks part coz damn if he can be still in a lip lock with a shit-ton of _pyrotechnics_ exploding all around his mind.

_So yeah, it has been too long_ —Taka has been a dumb little shit for too long—and now he wants Toru-san back, wants those sweet, little moments back, wants those kisses and hugs and company back.

_Eh,_ his mind said as he halted just before he turned towards a hallway. He can hear Toru-san’s voice, talking animatedly to someone—a man—and the sounds of their footsteps coming towards his direction, _does Toru-san even want you back?_

“— ‘ve always been a fan of you!” the unfamiliar voice said, making Taka halt his steps. What? W _ho’s that?_ “I’ve always went to your gigs, even during your indie days and I’m sure Ryota has his ears aching because of my constant ramblings to him…”

He heard Toru-san chuckle in amusement at that, while Taka just froze in shock. Fear. Insecurity. _Who was that?_

“Ryota won’t turn you away, alright,” the leader agreed, the footsteps coming closer than ever—and Taka, being the _incredibly huge idiot_ he was, suddenly panicked. His head snapped to every direction, looking for any means of escape, but the only way he can is to run back to the dressing room—but judging from the sound of the footsteps, they would definitely catch him dashing away for his life—, “He’s a good kid, despite his looks.”

“He is. He sounds so sweet and fun to be with. He always accommodates my questions about—,” the two turned to the hallway where Taka is standing frozen on his spot. The man walking beside Toru-san almost bumped into him, their faces so closes that for a moment, he could perfectly see his stupefied reflection on those wide, brown eyes—

“Gah!” he screeched, almost falling down on his ass as he bounced back, away from the equally startled man— _teen—girl?!—what-the-fuck-ever-he-is_ , “Watch where you’re going!”

“Ah-ah, Takahiro-san!” the man said, bowing waist deep in apology, “G-gomen, I was so busy talking with Yamashita-kun—,”

“Toru,” the guitarist blandly said, making Taka’s head snapped towards him in betrayal. _Wow. First-name basis, already? And here I am, stuck calling you Toru-san?!_

Well, what’s _stopping_ you from calling him just Toru?

Wait, can he even do it? But everyone else is calling the rhythm guitarist with that name! He can do it—and maybe even during their _passionate_ moments. _Toru_ , he tried, testing the sound of the name as it rolled down his tongue without the formal _-san_ after it.

Toru.

_Toru._

_Tor—_

“What the fuck,” the guitarist hissed, “Are you lost or something?!” he asked, and judging from his curious look and the somewhat dazzled— _really? Dazzled? Why would he even be dazzled? I’m a rock band vocalist not some…some Idol or something who dazzles the crowd_ —look on the man’s face—Taka realized that he had probably said that name out loud.

_Three_ times.

_Okay, two and a half times_ but it still doesn’t change the fact that he just said it out loud. He suddenly feels his face heating up in an alarming late, _gaaaaaaah_ —and did the only thing he could do to defend his pathetic self.

“I’m not lost!” he shrieked, “You just suddenly popped out of nowhere!”

Toru-san cocked a brow at him, urging him to continue but his mind decided to commit _seppuku_ right there and then. He just blankly stared at the leader with a mortified look on his face, and thank the heavens because apparently, Toru-san is not that dumb today. The guitarist sighed, coming to his rescue by changing the topic.

“Anyways,” he said, stepping towards his side and kinda forcing him to look at the unfamiliar man, “This is Satoh Takeru-san, you remember him? He’s always in our gigs for the last years, ever since we released our first EP.”

Taka shot the younger teen a look of pure, utter disbelief. _How the fuck would I remember him? It’s not like I’m memorizing our fans’ faces!_ His difficulty in recalling the name in his memory probably shows on his face, making the other man sheepishly chuckle across them.

“ _Ano_ , it’s alright if you don’t remember me,” he smiled, and Taka thought that he’s fit to be an actor—a good-looking actor—, “But we met in Harajuku, when you two are walking around there?” he offered an unsure smile.

Taka frowned, raking his memories. The only time that he was in Harajuku with Toru-san was when they have this… _silly date_ after Taka has a massive breakdown during the rehearsal for a song. He brought Toru-san there, taught him the art of being a proper date, and now that he’s thinking of it—

_"Ah! Finally, I can finally meet you, Morita-san!"_

“Ah!” Taka’s mouth hung wide open as he recalled a feminine-looking face, rambling things about him and the band—the interesting guy whom he got jealous for, coz he’s a friend of Toru-san whom he didn’t know, “I can remember you know!” he said, smiling before subtly inching behind the leader coz you know, he’s a _shy boy._

_…You think I’m not?_

_Then fuck you! Fuck you very much!_

“Oh no, no,” Toru-san was saying, “Don’t go pull that you’re shy with strangers shit again!”

“I’m not _acting_! I really _am_!”

“Sure,” the leader shrug, earning a chuckle from Satoh-san. Gah, Toru-san and his smug, blank face is humiliating him in front of this man! Taka wanted to kick the younger teen’s shin for that, but even before he can act on his evil plot on avenging his dignity, Toru-san suddenly dropped a bomb that shattered him into thousands of pieces.

“Actually, we’re going out with them and a few former dorm mates from Amuse,” he said, scratching the back of his neck as Taka’s jaws slacked wider and wider as seconds ticked by, “In a Karaoke or something.”

_What._

Taka’s brows furrowed in confusion and _slight_ …pain. Okay, maybe a _shit-ton_ of pain. Like his heart is being squeezed like a fucking wet towel. Since when did Toru-san planned after-show events without him?

_What about me?_

Taka was so intent on telling his feelings for the guitarist after the live—he was so ready to _puke_ out his soul and heart and all the shits he can’t keep within himself anymore—only to know that the leader is going out with other people? _And without even telling me?!_

_What about me?_

A newly-found fear bloomed and cut into his chest at that. What if Toru-san had grown out of their special bond, had seeked the company of others while Taka was busy denying and doubting and dating a girl to prove something to himself? What if Toru-san is growing farther and farther away from him as days passed by?

What… _what would happen to me?_

“I-is that so...?” he asked, looking up with an obviously fake smile, “Well, I…I just…”

Excuse. Think of excuses. _Make him stay._

“We could talk tomorrow,” the leader magically suggested, as if he’s got an idea that Taka is dying— _quite literally_ —to talk to him, “I’ll go to your unit and—,”

“No, I’ll go to Emichi tomorrow.”

Toru-san’s face visibly darkened at that, the thin lips pulled down in a scowl for a moment before it was easily masked by an indifferent face. “I see.”

_Oh fuck,_ Taka internally cringed at that bland comment, _you see what?!_ He really should’ve thought of better shits but damn, his mind is working overtime, burning his brain into a crisp and the odd looks from the actor doesn’t make it any easier. Poor Satoh-san, he must’ve been internally freaking out on the live drama he’s seeing.

Taka slightly felt bad about that. Slightly. Because the man is still smiling—in amusement, perhaps? —when he stole a glance at him. _What the fuck, this guy is so weird!_

“Eh,” Satoh-san drawled, smiling even sweeter at him, “Why don’t you just join us in the Karaoke, Takahiro-san?”

_Sure!_ He wanted to say, but then he realized that the place would be filled with Toru-san and Ryota’s acquaintances—all known Toru-san and Toru-san knows everyone and Taka would probably be just…left in a corner, rotting in the background as when watched the guitarist interact with people he knows shit about. He would be out of place. Completely out of place, but…he bit his lips in doubt, Toru-san won’t allow that, right? He would not…not cast him away just to have fun with his former dorm-mates? Then…then they could talk on their way home, right?

_Right?_

“Is that alright, Toru-san?”

Something flared within Taka’s chest at that. Toru-san? _Something ugly and disgusting and unacceptable._ No, that can’t be— _you can’t call him like that! He’s not yours_ —not yours to call him— _only me, only I can call him like that, you—_

Taka blinked.

_What the fuck was that?_ He blinked again, trying to fathom that incredibly strong surge of jealousy and inferiority and insecurity flowing right through his veins. It’s not right, but he can’t help it—would he be like this until the end of this miserable affair? Would he lash out just because he feels threatened? Just because Toru-san— _his_ Toru-san—is looking and paying attention to other people?

What the fuck. _Holy crap, Taka, you’re gonna be a bitchy, clingy lover, you motherfucker!_

_Stop that, mou!_ He whined at himself, why can’t everyone and everything just leave him and the guitarist alone? He just wants to talk to him! Why can’t the universe just allow it for once?! _It’s already in the hundredth chapter, mou!_

“Fine,” Toru-san said, making the actor grin triumphantly back at him. He looks so happy. Because he got Toru-san’s approval? “Let’s go pack our stuffs, Taka. Would you mind waiting for us in the dressing room, Satoh-san?”

“Oh no, not at all,” he said, “And Takeru would be fine! Really,” he then turned towards Taka, “I’m so glad that you could join us. It’s like a dream come true!”

Taka tightly smiled at him. He really can’t think of anything else to say against that, except for the fact that he finds this Takeru-guy weird and shits _. I’d better be careful with him._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They packed in silence. The other three were long gone to drink in some yakinuku shop or something, and Taka and Toru was left to thank the staffs and the venue personnel for the night. He stole one last glance at the now empty hall, dark and silent when it was shaking with adrenaline and pounding music just a few hours ago.

_Next time, it’ll be an Zepp_. Taka would wander in the empty hall of a Zepp venue next time.

“You don’t have to force yourself, you know,” Toru-san said as they were walking towards the exit, with Takeru leading the way. The actor is talking to someone in his phone, giving them an appropriate space and privacy to talk about personal shits. He looked up at the guitarist, as he adjusted the strap of his bag. “You looked tired and stressed and being around with people could make you even crankier.”

Taka should have been felt insulted at that, because what the hell, was Toru-san implying that he couldn’t behave himself in front of many people when he’s _tired and moody and needy—_

Flashbacks of countless times that Taka had snapped, regardless of the crowd around them, just because he’s not feeling well.

Flashbacks of Toru-san cleaning up his mess every time he did so.

Taka bit the inside of his cheek at that, “ _Maa_ —,”

“Besides, aren’t you supposed to be going to your girl?” Toru-san spat the word with so much hate that Taka had to slightly jump away coz who knows when the guitarist would just snap at him? Taka dumbly eyed him.

“What girl?”

Toru-san looked like he’s ready to smash his head onto the cold walls lining that hallway. Or smash Taka’s head onto the cold walls. “Your girlfriend, what was it again?” his huge eyes darted on the ceiling for a moment, “Right. Emichi, was it?”

“Holy crap, Toru-san!” he hissed in disgust, “Can you not say her name like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re about to have her _eliminated!_ ”

Toru-san huffed, shoving his hands into the pocket of his pants, “You just don’t want me saying her name. What? You’re _jealous_?”

Taka’s eyes widened at that. Then he scowled, because that’s what you do when someone is accusing you of being jealous when that someone acts and talks and sulks like a person completely burning in jealousy.

“You sounds like _you’re_ the jealous one, Toru-san,” he snapped, not taking his gaze away from Satoh-san’s back. He looks so small, so frail, that Taka might crush him with a tight hug.

Toru-san made a strangled sound at the back of his throat at that, but also doing the same—looking at the actor’s back, “ _Why the fuck_ would I even get jealous?”

Oh.

_Oh._

Taka swears that he heard his heart shattered at that. Well, that…sucks. And hurts. _Gaaah._ There you have it, Takahiro, _must you_ really have to go to the karaoke shits and get your heart broke after your confrontation? _Must you_ really have to endure a few hours being with Toru-san with anxiety and anticipation killing you?

_Do you really have to do that?_

Taka sighed as he saw the taxi waiting for them outside of the AX. He’s already here, and if he won’t do it now, this charade would never end.

_I just hope that no one would force me to do shits in the karaoke later…_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka probably had royally pissed off some _gods or spiritual elements_ in his past life to deserve this kind of… _torture_ while everyone is having fun—especially that Satoh-san who’s grinning from ear to ear and watching as Taka heaved his last word for the song he just sung.

The _sixth one_ , actually.

The sixth song—all from their past lives and gigs.

What the fuck, _why did I even went into a Karaoke if I would just sing our own songs?!_

And to add more shits on his already shitty life, the actor even had the audacity to ask him to sing the songs like how he would in a live. Taka smiled at first— _strained and slightly maniacal_ because this man sure knows how to ask for favors—with a sweet, hopeful smile on his thin lips, eyes shining and making him look like a puppy begging for some treats—so Taka relented.

_God knows_ how he regretted that decision the moment the first song ended—the entire crowd inside that booth clapping their hands and shouting how good his voice is—when Satoh-san faced him with that silly, kicked-puppy-look on his _ikemen_ face.

_Damn, damn, dumb, I’m so stupid mou!_

_Curse all the gods_ for this shitty situation, _curse all the gods_ for making him weak with those pleading eyes, _curse all the gods_ because of this feeling that he shouldn’t let Toru-san’s friend down coz he want to prove to the leader that he could be a nice, friendly adult.

Only if the leader was looking— _but he wasn’t_ —he was busy chatting with others, thanking them for coming to the recent live and asking how their lives has been going since leaving the dorm.

“Hey,” Satoh-san started but Taka was already shaking his head in apology.

_Oh no, no, you don’t—_

“I’m sorry,” he said, smiling weakly as he sat—beside the leader who snapped his attention back at him, “I really can’t sing anymore—,”

“What’s happening?” Toru-san asked, subtly snaking a hand behind him to pull him closer—and oh did his _motherfucker-flirty_ heart jumped at that—, “Is Takeru bullying you?”

“I’m not!”

_Yes, you are!_ Taka internally lashed out, but kept that to himself because he’s a responsible adult who can behave around Toru-san’s friends. Even if they’re weird and aggressive like this Satoh-san.

“I’m just asking him to sing a few more songs the way he would do in lives!” Taka almost puked out his intestines when the actor smiled sweetly at him, “I really really like his voice, so…”

And then his shoulders slumped in defeat.

And Taka felt like he’s the _vilest_ person in the world. Like he had kicked a cute kitten. Or punched a kid on the face to stole his ice cream or something _, gaaaaaaah, why is everyone keen on bullying me, mou!_

“What’s wrong with a few more songs?” Toru-san cluelessly asked, making Taka’s head whirled towards his direction, and making Satoh-san grinning like a triumphant fucker.

“A few more songs?!” his voice kinda cracked at that, as his hands shook, wanting nothing but to wrap themselves on the guitarist’s neck to strangle him in a _non-sexual manner_. Heh, his mind halted at that, as if Toru-san would actually let him do it. He’ll definitely kick Taka out of the bed if he attempts silly erotic-looking moves again. Like with the last time when he thought that throwing his head back would look sexy. Where did it get him? In the brink of a concussion. And with a massive headache and a huge bump on the back of his head.

“Yes,” Toru-san—the oh-so handsome, even if he has this ugly hairstyle, _yet totally dumb_ Toru-san—nodded, “It won’t hurt you to sing a few more, ne?”

_OH YOU FUCKING SELFISH ASSHOLE, YOU JUST WANT TO PUSH ME AWAY SO YOU WON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH AN ASS WHO JUST TAGGED ALONG IN YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE NIGHT-OUT WITH FRIENDS!_

Taka sucked a lungful of air. And another one. And another one until he can feel the urge to just throttle the stupid younger teen gradually lessened. Oh. Is this some kind of test? Was Toru-san baiting him to lash out?

_Oh no, he won't._ He's a nice adult who can behave, remember? So he just smiled brightly at the leader—kinda making him look like an obedient little puppy—but his eye is twitching in annoyance and the feeling of betrayal.

"Of course," he said, so smooth that he thought he could bag an award for being the most diplomatic person in the world, "One more song—,"

"Three!" Satoh-san happily chided in.

Taka smiled sweetly at him, oh you little shit.

" _Two,_ " he compromised, and raised his palm in the air when the damn actor was about to open his mouth to negotiate for more songs, "And that's all I can do for tonight. Gotta take care of my throat too, ne?"

"Ah, gomen!" Satoh-san suddenly recoiled, his wide smile turning sheepish as he fiddled with the towel bearing the band's name, "I didn't mean to—,"

"No, no, it's alright," he said as he tried to get up, shrugging off the leader's hand that magically found its way onto Taka's waist, "Toru-san is right. It won't hurt me to sing a few more."

_Oh god,_ the look of shock on the guitarist's face at his bitter words was so funny. At least he knows that I'm not entirely ecstatic with this shit, he thought as he chooses another one of their newest songs. But the fun was only short-lived, he was in the middle of the second song—the first one concluded with Satoh-san smiling dreamily and looking completely smitten up at him—when he saw Toru-san got up and said something to the actor. He then wordlessly left the Karaoke booth, leaving Taka looking at his back with furrowed brows. He couldn't run after him; he's still singing but god—

God knows how every fiber of his being is screaming to go after the leader. He's scared, and kinda resentful because how dare that fucker leave him alone in this room full of strangers?! _How dare you, Toru-san!_

His vision got blurry, voice cracking and shaking and for the first time since he started singing, he had never prayed so hard for a song to just fucking end.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru stared at his reflection on the bathroom mirror. He looked like a wreck, dark circles under his eyes, and his hair falling off on his face, making him more intimidating than he already is. He guessed that he really should've just went home and sleep. But the adrenaline is high, and Takeru and the others go all the way here to hang out with him. He couldn't refuse them.

_Besides, Taka is..._

Taka is like a storm ready to tackle him earlier, maybe he's dying to start a conversation on the topic Toru would love to talk about a few weeks ago. But he finds it hard to breathe right now, thinking that the vocalist has something to say—something to declare because he doesn’t have any idea on how to answer, if Taka would even _confess._

Well, _aside_ from pushing him onto the nearest hard surface and kiss him like the starving man he is.

He pursed his lips at that, the dim light in the comfort room making his mood even worse.

_As if he'll do that. He's still with the girl, right?_ But he did slip something about a break up earlier, so...

_Damn, this is so frustrating!_ He groaned, trying not to pull his hair out of his scalp. Taka is making his head hurts like a bitch! And he's not even here, mou!

_Yes, because you run the fuck away when you saw how Takeru look at Taka._

He grimaced at that. It won't be a problem, right? Takeru is just a fan, who really, really loves to see Taka sing. Toru isn't even sure if he's swinging that way, so assuming that he got it bad for the vocalist is...

But he looks like he wanted more, his mind stubbornly said, he looks _a lot like you_ when you were still pining after Taka.

...

...

_Oh damn._

And Taka...Taka would definitely indulge the actor. Sure, he was the one who pushed him into doing it, but Taka is a soft-hearted idiot who wouldn't just say no to others. But maybe he would just stay like that? An idol and a fan, it's better like that, right?

A bitter taste formed into his mouth. Something within him is telling him that he should be careful, that if he fucked things up, he won't just lose Taka to some model or actress or random sexy girls—he would lose him to a man, to a friend, to _Satoh fucking Takeru, of all people._

That can't happen. Taka should only be his vocalist— _his and only his—_

"Toru-san?!"

Toru looked up at his expression at the distant sound of Taka's voice screaming his name. God, he's so messed up that now he's even imagining that Taka is calling his name, but that's impossible since Toru left him in that booth...alone with people he didn’t... _know..._

His eyes widened at the possible repercussions of his actions, _holy crap did I just abandoned him—_

"Toru-san!!"

Oh, okay, he's definitely not hallucinating. He can hear Taka's voice, loud and clear, outside the corridor. What the fuck is he yelling at for?! He hurried towards the exit of the comfort room, pulled the door open and stuck his head out, obey to see Taka's back as the vocalist wandered along the dimly-lit hallway like a lost child.

_Well, he looks cute like that_ , Toru thought, even if he can only see Taka's back.

"Toru-san, _you motherfucker_ ," the vocalist yelled for all the world to hear, "If you won't come out right now, I'll fucking shave all of your hair off your ugly head!"

Toru grimaced, having an internal debate whether to just leave the vocalist wandering aimlessly and screaming threats to him. But then, the fear for his hair and entire image make him to reconsider coz Taka's blood has already been boiling on his hair, so this time, he might really jump on him to cut it or burn it or something.

He shivered at the thought of a grinning Taka hovering on his sleeping form while swishing a huge pair of scissors.

"Taka!"

You should've seen how Taka's head whirled almost a hundred eighty degrees to look back at him. It would be creepy if there would be ominous cracking sounds in the background. And if Taka's eyes went from surprised to disbelieving to relieved before going into an _all-out glare._

Taka stalked back towards him with the murderous intent oozing out of his every pores.

So naturally, Toru immediately pulled the door closed. _And locked_ it for good measure.

_Huuuh._

"What the—," Taka probably dashed towards the door before he pounded on it like there's no tomorrow, "Why'd you locked me out?! Open the goddamned door!!!"

“You’re gonna kill me if I do!”

“Wha— _maa_ —argh!” Taka pounded even more, and for a moment Toru feared that everyone in the building would hear how the vocalist molest the poor door, “Just open the goddamned door, or so I swear, Toru-san!”

“Or so, what?”

There was a moment of silence, and all that Toru can hear is the ragged breathing behind the door and his own hear madly beating within his chest.

“I will smash all of your guitars on the fucking floor—,”

Toru was already flinging the door wide open even before Taka could finish his threat, _oh no, you little shit, you can’t threaten me using my precious guitars you—_

“You won’t dare!”

“Oh yes I won’t,” Taka grinned a bit maniacally before he pushed his way in, shoving Toru back into the comfort room, “Now that you’ve opened the door. Maa, you’re too gullible for your own good, you know, Toru-san?”

“And you know that I’ll wreck your entire house if you actually laid your _dirty_ hands on my guitars, right?”

“My hands are not dirty!” Taka shrieked, raising his palms into the air. Two pairs of eyes set their gazes on the cheese powders and crumbs sticking on his fingers. _Sure,_ Toru blankly stared at the now-sputtering vocalist, _and you sure didn’t stuff your face with lots of finger foods again, right?_

“O-okay, maybe my hands are a bit dirty,” he conceded before he rushed towards the sink and violently washed his hands off, “Just wait a second there, Toru-san—,”

Toru made a step towards the door—

“—And don’t fucking try to escape coz I’ll definitely do my threats earlier!”

“When did you had eyes on your back?!”

“I maybe an idiot,” Taka said as he dried his hands, “But I’m not that insensitive to not notice that you’re avoiding me! You…you even left me there! All alone!” Toru averted his gaze when Taka’s voice cracked for a bit— _whether it’s because of the strain due to their recent live or because of the forthcoming tears, he couldn’t tell anymore_ —, “Do you know how I made a fool of myself in front of everyone because I panicked?! Because you left me there to fend for myself you dipshit!”

“I didn’t leave,” he retaliated, “I just went to the C.R.—,”

“With all of your stuffs?”

Toru winced when the vocalist flailed his hands to the backpack resting on the counter. He should’ve raced towards the exit earlier instead of having an emotional crisis while staring at his reflection earlier. Or maybe he should’ve just hidden the damn bag. In the trash can. _Water closet_. Where the fuck ever that the vocalist won’t have to see it.

“Oh,” he said.

“Don’t you fucking _‘oh’_ me, you bastard,” Taka said, “Why…why are you acting so cold to me, Toru-san?” he started, eyes wide and glassy and Toru hates the fear and insecurity flickering on those almond-shaped eyes. “ _You used_ to be...constantly nagging at me to let you stay at my place, _you used_ to be…I don’t know, happy when I cook for you… _You used_ to ask me for a night out after our live performances…You used to be…be…”

Taka helplessly slumped his shoulders, and Toru was suddenly brought back into that river banks—the warm summer air breezing between them, Taka sitting a few centimeters away from him and looking exactly like this— _beaten, broken, scared, and anxious._

And it’s all because of him again.

And that made him mad for some reason. Why is Taka talking like Toru has been the one to started this game? Why is he speaking like it’s Toru who dropped him like a hot potato? Why is he speaking like it’s him who’s trying to distance himself away from the vocalist?

_It’s not fair._

Nothing is fair when it comes to Takahiro and it infuriates him because how dare he accuse him of being the _cold one_ when he’s actually the one who’s yearning, longing, craving and _burning_ for the presence of the vocalist?

“I used to be what?” he spat, with so much venom that Taka’s head instantly snapped up, “ _We used to be alright_ , Taka. _We used_ to be happy, _we used_ to be content with each other’s company,” he hissed, taking small, heavy steps towards the vocalist. He knows that this is exactly like those in dramas in TV, walking towards the love prospect and backing her up in the wall for some cheesy confrontation—except that there’s no melodramatic background music in the air, and that there’s no cheesy atmosphere blooming around them.

It was tensed. Heavy. Suffocating. Filled of unspoken regrets. _Resentful._ Pained. Betrayal and abandonment. It was so palpable that he had to gulped hard to avoid drowning from all of it.

“We used to _dream together_ , used to be so focused on achieving them—we used to celebrate your birthday together,” the last one was uttered with so much pain and bitterness. Taka parted his mouth, brows furrowed as if he wants to say something but Toru had beaten him into speaking, “ _But what did you do_? You wanted everything and took it, even without giving anything in return. You wanted us to go back to whatever we were back then, but you took something so precious away from me—you dated someone else!”

Taka let out a ragged breath at that, mouth closing again when Toru glared down at him.

“You decided to celebrate your birthday with her when we used to do that before! I even baked a fucking cake for you and almost burn my entire kitchen just to know that you would have a fucking date with the girl on that date!”

Taka rapidly blinked up at him, and Toru realized that he had fucked up by mentioning that detail.

“Y-you…you bake a _what...?”_

Toru raked his fingers through hair, combing back the dark curls, “I thought you’re just dumb, not deaf.”

“You baked a fucking cake!?” Taka shrieked and grabbed his shirt to shake his frame, “Why am I not aware of this?! If you’ve just told me then—,”

“Then _what_?!” he snapped, prying the hands off his shirt and shoving the startled vocalist back, “Would you come to me? Would you have ditched your _oh-so precious_ Emichi? Would you celebrate it with me like we used to do ever since you joined the band?!”

“Why the fuck are you shouting at me?!” Taka snapped back, probably tired of getting man-handled and screamed at, “And I went back to you, if you would just remember!”

He saw Taka’s eyes flicker, glazed over with unshed tears like he’s also hiding something. Like he had experienced the same pain Toru has been suffering from months now, but he won’t say it—he won’t tell it. Why? _We used to be honest with each other…_

“You didn’t come to me,” he gritted through clenched teeth, “I went into your fucking unit, bought you a fucking cake and slept on your bed while waiting for your _staggering ass_ to come home—,” his breath hitched at that memory—the feeling of exhaustion creeping into his bones as he desperately tied to avoid thinking how Taka spent the entire day with his girlfriend—, “I was the one who _came for you,_ even if you tried and tried to push me away, Taka… _I was the one_ waiting like a fool in there, while you were _happily_ gallivanting around the city with your girl!”

Taka gasped at that, and for a moment, Toru thought that he had done it again—that he had made the vocalist snap and burst into tears again. Well, maybe he should make an escape plan now in case the midget would pull some hidden weapon from under his clothes or something. But no lashing and screaming out followed, instead, Taka was looking up at him, pearly white teeth biting the plump lower lip as his almond-shaped eyes burned holes onto Toru’s pale face.

“I wasn’t _happily_ gallivanting— _big word by the way_ —around the city back then, Toru-san,” he slowly said, smoldering eyes capturing his hard, cold ones, “Do you know where we went on that day?”

_Oh great, now you want me to burn in jealousy?!_

Oh for the love of all pure and holies!

He responded by _not_ responding. And Taka took it as a sign to continue saying whatever he’s planning to say.

“We went to our favorite ramen shop, the Music Store we often hang out, the steak shop in Shinjuku station, the toy shop and the _purikura_ booth in Harajuku—,”

Toru felt the urge to just strangle the older teen for the umpteenth time already that day.

“—into my favorite cake shop and to Meguro River. I brought her to all the places I loved so much—,”

“ _Good thing_ she’s having a peek of your favorite places,” he didn’t mean to sound so bitter. He really doesn’t.

“—but _every time_ I looked up _, every time_ I looked back, I was expecting a different person sitting and walking with me—I was expecting that _you_ were there, instead of her and god, if I wasn’t the most awful boyfriend in the world for thinking of another person while spending time with my girlfriend!”

Toru gulped at that as he focused on staring at his worn out shoes.

“—do you know how it sucks, pretending and smiling like you’re the happiest person in the world with her? Do you know how it feels whenever I realized that you weren’t there, that even if I’m in the places I love so much, I still can’t enjoy it because, surprise, surprise, Toru-san isn’t there?!”

“It’s not even my fault that you decided to go and _fuck your girl_ in your birthday!”

“I didn’t fuck her!” Taka screeched out loud that the entire building probably had heard him, “I _never_ did! We kissed, held hands—,”

Toru swallowed the painful lump forming down into his throat at the thought that Taka has kissed and shared intimated moments with the girl, with another person— _with someone not Toru_. Damn, it feels like a shit-ton of mini-zombies were now clawing and scratching their ways out of his throat. It hurts. And it makes him wanna cry like a pathetic wuss, honestly.

“—and hang out, but I never—,” Taka stepped forward, grabbing the collar of his shirt and pulling him down, until the tip of their noses touches, until they’re breathing the same air, until Toru could only see those fierce, almond-shaped eyes—marveling at the beauty of them, _drowning_ in the intensity of dedication and conviction swirling within them—, “—and I mean ever, laid hands on her that way! I…I tried,” he said, suddenly unsure and guilty before the wide orbs went focusing on his disbelieving eyes again, “I tried but when we’re about to do it, I…was…I realized that I couldn’t do it after all, that despite wanting to prove that I’m still a man who don’t go spreading his legs for someone else, even if I oh-so wanted to prove that fucking point—I couldn’t do it—,”

_Oh, Taka…_

Taka—

“—because how can I, when I pushed her down and pulled away after kissing him, all I can see was your _dumb_ erotic face? How can I do it when his hands were smaller than mine, when all I’ve ever wanted was your _huge, calloused_ ones holding mine?! How can I do it when whenever I kiss her, I’m expecting to see your stupid flushing face?! I—I---realized how fucking stupid I am and how I…I’ve fucking… _fucking_ fallen in lo _hmph_!!”

Taka couldn’t finish that statement—because Toru had heard enough. His mind has miraculously processed the meanings of those words real quick—flashbacks of Taka looking at him with so much longing and adoration, the times when he looked so devastated when Toru rejected his offers or when he would just ignore him—the times when his eyes were puffy and red around the rims, the times when he visibly nuzzled Toru’s hands when he touched him—

_Oh you dumb, dumb fuck—_

Toru surged forward, grabbing the older’s cheeks in a bruising hold, caging it with his hands and pulling him into a warm, _warm_ , violent kiss. It was a _clash_ of chapped lips and teeth, their noses bumping before Toru angled their face so they could kiss more, lean more, be _closer and closer_ because—

Warm, warm— _it’s warm in here_ , being pressed against Taka’s pliant, and oh-so willing form—

_What took you so long to realize?!_

He licked along the quivering lips, Taka automatically parting them open and god Taka does taste the _same_ , smells the _same,_ feels the _same_ —and Toru had this sudden urge to erase every mark the girl had laid on his precious vocalist. Taka was his _first,_ he had found him and freed him from his monotonous life and he would fight nail and tooth— _would cover every inch of his skin with kisses and bruises_ —until Taka couldn’t even remember the girl’s name.

_Mine, he’s all mine—_

Taka made a strangled, yet pleased sound at the back of his throat as both of his hands shot up into the air to bury themselves into Toru’s messy curly locks to pull him down, even deeper, and _closer._

_Were all of my efforts too shitty for you not to realized it sooner?_

_Or were you just being a spoiled, in denial piece of shit the whole time?!_

He bit the plump lip—earning a pained whine from the vocalist—before pulling away for a fraction of distance. Their lips were still touching, the tingles from the contact sending delightful shivers down to his spine and… _uhm,_ other parts…puffs of air fanning across each other’s cheeks as he stared at Taka’s glassy eyes.

“You… _you_ …” he said, not really making any attempt to sound so coherent at all, “You’re not shitting me right? You really… _really…_?”

_I’m so tired of playing games with you. So tired of being pushed away, being ignored and casted away for someone who just came into your life, what, a few weeks ago. I’m so tired of being left behind, so fucking tired of waiting and craving and longing and praying—_

Taka was nodding and shaking his head all at the same time, “I—I shit you not, Toru-san, and it sucks because I’m really horny back then and I can’t get a proper fuck because your dumb face is like a big _cockblo_ —mmppph _mpphh—_!”

Toru squished the vocalist’s cheeks— _making him look like a gaping fish_ —for running his mouth with too much information again. Taka glared at him, gone were the overly infatuated eyes and were now replaced by murderous, fire-spitting ones so Toru had to speak even before he combusts to flames just by the sheer intensity of those glares alone.

“You’re not joking, right?” he hissed, pushing the vocalist until his ass hit the sink, “Because if you do—if you are just messing up with me, I will never forgive you—that, or I’ll never trust you, you fucking _insatiable, selfish, tyrant and self-centered—_ ,”

Taka looks like he’s ready to kick him in the stomach, while looking like a fish. Duck. Platypus. _Whatever._

Taka aggressively pried his hands away before entangled his arms behind Toru’s nape, pulled him down into a soul-crushing kiss—and no matter how fucked up the moment is, even if they’re in the fucking comfort room wherein people could easily get into without much ado—Toru couldn’t care, couldn’t see, hear and smell, couldn’t feel anything aside from the arm press of Taka’s lips against his and— _and_ —

 

 

 

Toru doesn’t need any _more_ response other than  that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was a fucking rushed and shitty making up, what do you think? I mean, the one in Meguro River is better than this. What the fuck, all they have to do was kiss?? Where are the long, heart-wrenching dialogues? The screamfest? The slapfest? I thought there would be kneeling and begging! Ugh. Gomen for that. Anyways~
> 
> -Toru-san introducing Takeru to Taka, as you all probably know by now, after the AX show is legit. Tho they didn't meet after that for a loooong time.
> 
> -Takeru Satoh and the Karaoke shits are kinda legit, but without Toru-san there. I think it's in the Alternative Photobook where Taka said that he finds Satoh-san weird coz he insist on pressing the buttons for OOR's songs and asked Taka to sing them the way he did in live performances ONLY that it didn't happened in this era. 
> 
>  
> 
> I apologize for the erratic schedule of updates. Please tell me what you think of this chapter, tho~!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	56. One Way Ticket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Remember that night  
> I had to leave you  
> You said it’s alright  
> And I believed you  
> You know I’m no good  
> No good at goodbyes  
> No good without you  
> Better by your side"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will they (finally) fuck this chapter? Will they?? 
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine and anything, almost everything, in this fanfiction is just a product of imagination. All shittiness , including typos, grammar errors, and lack of sense of some sentences, is mine. Also, so much OOC-ness in this chapter.

_Warm._

It was so warm in that cold, dimly lit comfort room and the heat is obviously getting into his head. _How could it not be_ , when Toru-san is hoisting him up the counter, hands grabbing and kneading and caressing the side of his face, the back of his head, every ridges of his spine, before sliding to his sides and back up. The sensation of those calloused hands, and the warm lips pressed against his own needy ones were too much—

_Toru-san, Toru-san—_

It has been so _long_ and now he had him back, he accepted Taka back despite being perhaps the biggest _douchebag_ that has ever existed in this goddamned world, and Taka can’t still believe that the guitarist is, well, _here._

Right in front of him.

Hugging and kissing him like there’s _no tomorrow._

And did that _slutty_ moan just come out of his mouth?

“God,” Toru-san husked against his puffy lips, his ugly curly hair tickling Taka’s cheeks and nose, “I’ve missed the sounds you make.”

_O_ h, Taka’s feeling dizzy so he just stared at the guitarist’s face. Toru-san _looks so good_. Disheveled and messy haired, but still fucking stunning. He wonders how the man would look as he ages up. Will he develop muscles over his stick-like frame? Will Taka be able to ran the pads of his fingers on toned abs, biceps and sides? Will Toru-san’s voice grow rougher and deeper?

“M-me too,” he said, a stupid and totally love-sick grin is probably plastered on his face right now—but damn if he actually cares. He should be careful because the guitarist is one sick asshole who would love to tease him for swooning but _gaaaaaaah,_ who could resist Toru-san?!

Definitely _not_ his dick.

It hurts, and the gradually tightening in his pants is bordering into pain. He wants friction, action and all the shits so he helplessly pawed on the guitarist’s clothes—like a _needy, attention-deprived kitten_ — ‘, “More,” he said, “Kiss me more.”

He hated how Toru-san’s brow arched at that.

“Kiss me or it’s my fist that’s gonna be kissing you, you fucking— _mph_ —!”

_God,_ Taka was so _dumb-shit-stupid_ when he thought once, a long, _long t_ ime ago when he’s still believing— _ha-ha, that’s a funny joke,_ now that he’s thinking about it, and if he’s not just busy getting the ravishing of his life, he might probably had doubled over to laugh at _his denial_ drama—that he’s straight as a ruler, that Toru-san is asexual. Like, never attracted to someone of any gender.

But now…

Damn it, Toru-san is pushing further into him, demanding. A tongue brushed over Taka’s lips, teeth nipping on his lower lip and there’s _was no way_ in hell that he’ll deny the younger teen entry. The moment he parted his lips, the Gachapin-faced idiot is already slipping his tongue between his lips and damn it. _Nope, definitely not asexual._ When did he even learned how to kiss like this?!

_Probably from the gay porns he’s watching_ , his mind supplied—which is kinda surprising because LOL he’s supposed to be mushy-brained right now—, and the tips from a shit-ton of porn magazines or something. He’s still a huge hentai, remember?

_Oh, a huge hentai_ indeed. Taka whimpered when the guitarist parted his legs and make himself comfortable between them, his groin pushing and oh, fuck all the heavens if Taka didn’t have a shiver running down to his spine at the contact of that warm, hard, huge— _Pffft!_ —crotch.

_Fuuuuuuuck—_

It took all his will—and all the prayers he knows—not to embarrass himself by coming into his pants right there and then. Jesus, that would be humiliating as fuck. He’s supposed to be the _experienced_ one here! He’s supposed to have a great deal of stamina and not…not acting like a high school virgin!

“So demanding,” Toru-san parted their lips, hands gripping the sides of his face to stare at him under those heavily-lidded eyes. God, he was like sin incarnate. Had he gone mad? How could he even resist this motherfucker for months?! How did he even came up with the stupid, god-awful idea of dating a girl? Was he insane?! “Like a boss…Like a tyrant…like a king…” he puffed warm, alcohol-laced breath on Taka’s jawline, “…like _Taka_ …”

“I _am_ Taka.”

“I know.”

“Yes,” he softly nodded while Toru-san just let out an exasperated sigh.

“Do you really have to ruin the moment?”

“What _moment_?” he innocently tilted his head and earned a smack on the back of his head, “ _Ack!_ That hurts!” he snapped, shoving the man away and kicking him into his stomach just for the sake of it, “Is that how you’ll treat your _l-lover_!” Fuck, if he didn’t just stutter like a wimpy girl at that word, “It hurts!”

Toru-san looked so shocked out of his mind for a moment, his moist perfectly-sculpted lips parting wide open before he had the chance to compose himself. _Heh,_ the fucker probably didn’t expect that turn of events. Hell, Taka also didn’t but saying it aloud sure feels nice huh. It’s like…it’s like the cherry on top of the cake, the nail to a fucking coffin—they’re now _officially_ together, right?

Right?

“Oh yeah?” the man smugly grinned at him, and instead of making him annoyed and downright homicidal, Taka had the urge to close his legs— _tight_ —because that’s what you do when your dick is starting to have a mind of its own, wanting to be freed and all the shits. “You know what _else_ will hurt when we’re done here?”

Taka blankly stared at the smirking guitarist. Then he blushed to the roots of his hair, _oh now_ , _you wouldn’t dare to say a sappy lame line—_

“Your _ass,_ ” Toru-san said, and he dragged the word so much it makes Taka’s dick jumped like an _acrobat_ inside his pants.

…

…

Uhm, okay, maybe that’s not the best analogy, but he’s horny and he hasn’t get any real action—which literally translates into ditching clothes and getting naked-as-the-day-he-was-born in someone’s company—for the past few months and all the pent-up frustration is threatening to just spill over.

Like the overwhelming feeling of love deep within his chest.

But no matter how he loves Toru-san, he still can’t believe that that shitty line come straight out of his perfectly talented mouth, so Taka did his best to retaliate! He made an agitated sound as he pushed the damn gachapin into one of the conveniently— _because the universe and the author is probably tired of cockblocking the two of them_ —vacant cubicle, pushed and pushed until the sputtering idiot hit the back of his legs on the water closet.

“What the fuck—,”

Taka then shut the lid down, the sound deafening in the silence of the room before he practically pushed the guitarist to make him sit on the closed lid. Toru-san looked up at him with a wide-eyed, open mouthed astonishment.

“Taka—,”

“SHUT UP,” he snapped, his skin prickling in heat and sexual frustrations, before he unceremoniously glided onto the leader’s thighs.

“Oof!” Toru-san’s legs almost buckled under his weight, but held his hips to steady him nonetheless, “You’re _heavy_ , you dumbass!”

“Oh yeah?” Taka purred, tangling his arms behind the guitarist’s neck to smirk down at him, “And what would you do about it, Toru-san? You’ll do something about it, right? Coz I’m so damn tired of waiting—,”

“And who’s fault does you think it is—,”

“—so let’s make a good use of your mouth and—,”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Oh shut the fuck up, _mou_!” Toru growled before pulling the older teen in a punishing, bruising kiss. Good thing they won’t be having any live tomorrow, because Taka’s lips would be puffy and swollen as fuck after their little make-up ( _and making-out_ ) session in the comfort room. God, he had wanted this, god and _everyone_ in this fucking universe knows how much he had longed— _craved—_ almost on the verge of begging, for this moment to come by.

And apparently, Taka has also wanted it. SO bad. _I mean, it’s his dick pressing into my stomach right?_

_Of course, you idiot_ , he heard his mind said as he peppered open-mouthed kisses on the vocalist’s smooth jawline—the scent of smoke and alcohol and food from the karaoke booth clinging still on his skin—making Taka let out soft mewls of appreciation. What do you think it is? _Another arm?_

Oh fucking hell, why is his mind getting sassy all over him? Right at this fucking moment, of all times?!

_Gaaaaaaah…_

They kissed like there’s no tomorrow—rough and fast, slow and reverent, dirty and lovingly—Toru had never kissed so much in his entire life. Well, he hadn’t kissed anyone else besides their vocalist, so he really can’t compare but _damn._ He could do this _forever._

“Ow, _ow, ow_ ,” he hissed when Taka’s weight almost became unbearable on his poor legs. He’s gonna have a fucking limp tomorrow with all the unwanted pressure on his legs. “Stop moving!” he chastised, the older man looking down at him with wide glassy eyes. And a wide smirk spread across his red, _red_ lips—

“Move?” he drawled, voice rough on the edges that makes Toru’s member…twitch in excitement because Taka’s voice has that magical ability. _Make his dick hard._ Just by hearing it. Gah, how lame! Look at how low he’d fallen! “You don’t want me to move?”

Toru’s brows furrowed in concentration because there’s no way in hell that Taka would just smile like that if he’s not planning something—

“Like this?”

And then Taka moved his hips.

Toru buried his face into the clothed curve of the older’s neck, groaning at the delicious pressure on his aching erection.

—painful. Something _painful_ and oh so pleasurable.

“Fuck,” he eloquently uttered with so much passion and intensity. The friction, the pressure and the warm weight on his burning dick was so fucking good. Ah, he had missed this. Missed the vocalist gyrating his hips, relentless, aimless, and almost punishing against Toru’s trapped, aching member. “Fuck.”

“Y-yes,” Taka gasped out, his pupils blown wide as he bit his lip, his brows knitting in concentration to move, grind and practically fuck himself over the obvious, needy bulge on his pants, “You don’t want me moving like…like,” Taka licked his lips because he’s a teasing asshole. And asshole with an _ass_ he oh-so wanted to fuck for over a year now, “…this?”

Then he abruptly stopped moving. Toru growled, really, like a fucking lion ready to pounce and tear and kill his poor, little prey. Except that Taka looks like the exact opposite of a poor, little prey—he looks so smug and Toru feels so lost and helpless and desperate—and murderous because his dick is _so hard it fucking hurts—_

“Fuck you,” he said, growled low, “Fuck you and your games, Taka— _fuck you, damn you, damn you_ —,” he said before claiming that smirking lips again. He grabbed the vocalist at the back of his neck, pulled his head down to capture those lips, biting and sucking and plundering the entire warm mouth when Taka did gasp in shock.

Heh.

Taka’s hips stuttered, moving again— _albeit unconsciously_ —and Toru’s mind was rendered incapable of thinking anymore. Only the hot, burning desire and lust and longing and love filled his head. He wanted to fuck, and as Taka grind his hops and cling to him like a damn leech, he knew that the other teen wanted it just as much as do.

Toru wanted to kiss the exposed neck, suck on the kin—lick it, bite it. Claim it like he used to do, mark Taka as his own—in the visible areas, which shirts would never be able to hide, because the _world_ needs to see, needs to know that Taka is his, and no other girl or boy or _Emichi or Satoh-san could take him away from me._

Never.

“You don’t know,” he said as he pulled to breathe—because oxygen is a fucking necessity, he just realized—, “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this…”

Taka looked up at him in a dazed, drugged-like trance.

“Hold you, kiss you, touch you again…” he muttered, his damp locks shrouding over his eyes like fucking curtains. Taka made a hum of approval, hips drawing out lazy circles instead of a ravishing pace. And Toru thought for a moment that it was cute, but he would look even cuter when he’s splayed on a damn bed, naked, and with Toru hovering above him—, “And if you suddenly back out again, I swear—,”

“Shut the fuck up, mou!” the vocalist whined, grinning with all his pearly teeth out in the display. It was _blinding_ , how bright the man’s face is, his eyes glistening with fuck knows what, his mouth pulled up in the biggest grin he had ever seen on his face since the last intimate time they’ve shared together. “I’m into this _with you,_ I’m sorry for the whole mess but I’m really, really horny right now so can we just, I don’t know, kiss and make out and not threaten each other, huh, Toru-san?”

Kiss and make out, huh? Toru could do that. Well, he’s already doing that because who can resist a very willing, very seductive—albeit a bit heavy—Takahiro on their lap?

_It’s certainly not his dick._

They went back to kissing like there’s no tomorrow, and the need to fuck Taka and drive into him senseless is so great that—

“Takahiro-san?”

Fuck, fuck, _fucking Satoh Takeru!_

Of all the fucking times!

His mind told him that he should stop and let the vocalist go and save themselves for any kind of humiliation but the vocalist is still moving and probably knows shit about what’s happening in the world. Another part of him—the part speaking for his _dick,_ his desire and everything, the part that was burning hot and desperate and anted to screw the vocalist into oblivion for all the shits he went through, screamed— _begged_ —him to ignore it.

But the actor’s nasty little voice went back, booming across the hallway that made Taka’s head snapped towards the door in fear—like he’s a drowning man who just managed to breathe above the waters—

“What—,” he looks so incoherent and Toru took that moment to run his lips on the exposed neck, smirking against the warm, flushed skin as Taka squirmed on his lap.

“W-wait, Toru-san, _ow,_ you jerk!” he hissed when instead of _waiting,_ Toru just bit him. He lapped at the patch of skin in consolation, making the vocalist even squirm harder in discomfort.

“H-hey, Toru-san—,”

_WHAT._

He glared daggers at the older teen, silently daring him to say anything. To tell him to fuck off and stop. He won’t do it. Let Satoh Takeru see them, heck _, let the entire world see them_ —he deserved as much. He deserved Taka so much that he’ll probably cry like a _huge baby_ if he was deprived of this chance.

Okay…maybe not that intense. He’ll just probably burst into pathetic desperate tears as he clings to Taka like a motherfucking koala.

“—there’s…there’s…”

_Oh, look,_ Taka is also incoherent as fuck so maybe Toru had just to turn him around bend him over the door, slap a hand over his mouth as he worked his magical way into him. But then he would not be able to see the vocalist’s face when he fucked him into unconsciousness. He would not be able to kiss those puffy, full lips. No kissing, no licking, no biting or sucking.

“Ignore it,” he muttered as he tilted Taka’s head back, drawing him into a slow, sensual kiss. Taka’s fingers dung into his shoulders, threading at the strands of hair on his nape as his hips started moving against the trapped erection again. Good, forget him. The movements became a steady, rhythmic grinding and just to deliver the final blow, Toru’s hips jerked up as well.

The kiss suddenly broke off, Taka throwing his head back, moaning a needy, seductive sound. And oh fuck, he would definitely be making that sound again, Toru thought as he watched the way Taka offered his throat, as if he’s begging to be marked by bites and hickeys—

“Takahiro-san? Your phone is ringing!”

_Fuck you_ , his dick groaned at the unwanted voice resonating outside the room, _and fuck Taka!_ Look! HE wants it, screw him! Well, Toru’s not really sure if it’s still alright to have his body parts talking to him _like a boss_ , but his dick has a point. _A very fine point_. Why can’t Takeru just waltz away and leave him to do more productive things with his mouth—like kissing Taka’s lips and swallowing his moans and grunts—or convince him to give a hand job or blowjob or any job that won’t involve Takeru.

“It says Gocchan,” Takeru said, and Toru wondered if the actor knows that they are in the comfort room and making out like hell all along, “Isn’t he your manager?”

At that, Taka’s eyes snapped wide open—glazed but slowly regaining focus as he practically hopped off Toru’s lap.

“No—,” naturally, Toru had to latched his hands onto the hips to prevent him from doing so, but Taka just shook his head. Damn, _it’s official_. His dick hates Satoh Takeru, no matter how gentle he looks.

“I should, _should,_ ” Taka said, straightening his hair and shirt and everything aside from himself, coz you know, _he’s not straight at all_ —and Toru had to mentally kick himself for even thinking about that lame line, “You know how Gocchan would scream at myself for not answering the damn phone.”

“B-but—,”

Toru hated how desperate he probably looks—hair’s a mess, a thin sheen of sweat covering his face, his clothes rumpled like he’s been attacked by a wild jungle cat. He looked so _fucked._

“Shut up, Toru-san,” Taka said as he adjusted his pants, the tips of his ears burning red, “I also want to have this…this motherfucking moment with you, coz god knows how long we’ve waited—yes, I can see how you look at me like you’re getting me naked just with your eyes and don’t try to deny it, mou!”

_Then why did you still leave me?_

Were those stares still not enough? _What, should I be shooting goddamned lasers on your ass for you to get a fucking hint?!_

“And I really don’t want to have our first time in a fucking toilet cubicle,” he said, before unlocking the door and peeking out for other people. It’s a _miracle_ that no one entered the comfort room while they’re going at it, and it honestly creeped him out. “I want it to be something special, okay?”

Toru made a disgruntled sound at the back of his throat. Well, what can he say about that? Taka deserves better— _a soft bed, a warm room, a secured place_ —not some animalistic romp in a public toilet. They deserved more than that, even if Toru is so fucking ready to just slam his dick into the object of his desire.

Besides, his mind— _dirty as ever_ —, there’s just a few positions they can try in this cramped space—

“Oh my god, stop smirking like that,” Taka screeched, “You’re definitely thinking of something perverted again!”

Toru peered up at the smaller man under heavy lids, “…And you’re not? I mean I could think of a _hundred_ positions we could try—,”

“ _Mfffpfhhhg,_ ” Taka closed his legs, the sound of Takeru banging on the door—okay, one of them probably locked it earlier, and that explains why no one is bothering the shit out of them. “A hundred, Toru-san...? Just how much porn have you watched...?”

“Well,” he shrugged and combed his hair back, the sweat matting it down on his skull, “I have a lot of free time in the past few weeks while you’re busy…being dumb and shit.”

“Ouch!”

“Takahiro-san?”

“Oh shit,” Taka said before he glared down at him, “Don’t go anywhere, Toru-san, I’ll just get my things and we’ll go home, okay?”

“And have sex—,”

“And have a heart to heart—,”

“—while _naked_ —,”

“ _Talk_ ,” Taka blandly stared down at him like he’s fed up with all of Toru’s remarks. He offered an unsure smile. Taka stared at him more—scowling—before a soft, soft smile made its way on his lips. It was so...gentle and warm and content and simple but it still blew his mind into fucking pieces. He…he had missed that—

To be at the receiving end of a warm smile—the smile that was _only meant for him_ , the smile that Taka had been graciously giving him before shit hit the fan—he had missed how Taka’s eyes sparkle, how his lips stretched so wide, how his cheeks bloomed into a pretty rosy color.

A painful lump formed into his throat.

_God, how he missed this man._

“G-go,” he said, as he sat, limp with a very raging hard-on trapped in his pants. Taka should go, because the longing within Toru’s chest is expanding, the suffocating feelings threatening to drown him, and he knows that he wouldn’t be able to let Taka go if he decided to linger and smile at him like that for a bit longer.

Taka nodded, cheekily grinned down at him, mumbling something like “I’ll be back in a flash” before he heard the slamming of the door and the awkward yet hyperactive conversation beyond the walls.

Toru sit still, watching his reflection on the vanity mirror across him—Taka didn’t even bother to close the damn door—noticing how the corner of his lips were slightly tugged up, how his eyes shine brighter amidst the deep, dark circles around it.

He looked _happier._

Well, who wouldn’t be?

Taka is back—Taka, Takahiro, _his vocalist_ —he came running back, with feelings so strong Toru’s not even sure if he can handle it. He had long waited for this moment, not just the fucking, mind you but the scent of the vocalist, his warmth, his feeling under his touches, his ragged breathing, his voice, his snapping’s and angry glares, his pouting’s, his murderous eyes and charming smile—everything that makes him the Takahiro he had fallen for.

And Toru…

Toru felt like he’s finally come _home._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They will. Next chapter~
> 
>  
> 
> Please tell me what you think of it~ Why does it feels like I've never updated for ages?? And why is the word count already on the 200, 000?? Damn. I think this will reach at least until...250, 000...
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	57. Notes 'n Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck.
> 
> "Not a day goes by that I don’t think  
> about you and the love you’ve given me  
> I wish you could see it from this view  
> ’cause everything around  
> you is a little bit brighter from your love  
> Life is just so much better from your love"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will they fuck in here? This is a really huge chapter and I was planning to divide it and shits but nah, let's just get over it. This is actually lame. Like we've waited for a year for nothing. I'll accept every criticisms and shits for this. Gladly. 
> 
> Lo and behold, the longest, shittiest chapter I have ever written for Reason/Dreamers.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It took _five minutes_ to talk to Gocchan about the exact date of the release of their next album. Taka don’t have any idea why the manager _had_ to call at that fucking moment—well, less the fucking coz they’re just about to do it when the manager called and made Satoh-san screamed his name like a maniac in the hallways—when he could’ve just tell that to the band tomorrow or the next day or even _through messages._

_Just as they’re about to get some action!_

He thought that the universe is done fucking up his already fucked up life, _but no_ —Gocchan had to call and Taka had to leap off the leader’s lap like someone had scalded him with boiling, hot water. _Jesus,_ you should’ve seen Toru-san’s face—contorted in want and anger and desperation when Taka moved away—much like a sulking kid because someone took away his precious toy. And if his blood is not just rushing towards his lower region, Taka could’ve make fun of the guitarist’s pouting face but yeah— _he really can’t think with his another head_ so… _yeah._

And now, they’re—as in Toru-san and him, _because he had shoo-ed Satoh-san back into the karaoke booth after thanking the man for bringing his phon_ e—but he really could’ve just ignored it and let Toru-san kiss the hell out of his lips—are standing in the front of the said room. Taka opened the door for a bit, as he formulated a way to get his things in the far corner of the room. Toru-san is standing behind him, peering over his shoulders with his hands holding his hips for support.

…

_Support, my ass_ , Taka snorted. It’s _kinda_ hard to concentrate and searching for a nice, unhindered way to his stuffs when he can feel a really _hard_ , really _hot_ bulge on his ass. Somehow, Taka felt he should shove the man away and curse and spit _“what the fuck, man!”_ but he thought that the hallway is dimly lit, small and no one would actually see them and that because his very, very dirty mind suddenly likes having hard stuff pressed up against his ass.

…

He felt Toru-san leaned over him— _oh, and the fucker sure did lean over him_ , chest pressed against his back—until his face was so close by the vocalist’s ear.

“Have you seen your stuffs, Taka?” he husked, making Taka shuddered like a wimpy fuck, hand gripping the door knob so tight his knuckles were turning white, “What do you see inside?”

“S-still the same,” he swallowed eyes landing on two boys he knows shit about, “J-just a bunch of _singing dicks_.”

Toru-san fell into silence. Taka almost— _almost_ —smashed his head onto the door for that. Singing dicks? Seriously? Was he so horny to replace “people” with _“dicks”?!_

He subtly glanced at the noticeable tenting of his pants.

_M-maa…_

Then Toru-san _, the ever bastard Toru-san_ , breathed a laugh behind him, “Singing _dicks,_ huh? Interesting…say, Taka,” god knows how he hates the way Toru-san said his name like that—like the way he did back when they were still constantly pawing at each other—, “Have you seen _any noteworthy_ dick?”

Then Taka elbowed the guitarist’s smirking face.

_In his dreams_ , because god the bastard actually, _shamelessly,_ pushed himself against Taka’s buy even more, and no, he didn’t almost gasp out loud at that. Well, maybe just a little. Breathless, surprised, wanton gasp.

“N-no,” he scowled, brows furrowing in concentration before he snapped, “I don’t _see_ any noteworthy dick. I… _feel_ one, though,” he said before glancing over his shoulder, only to find— _why am I not even surprised anymore_ —the smug grin on Toru-san’s lips. Infuriated and humiliated and completely sexually frustrated, Taka shoved the man back, “Stop molesting me in the door!” he hissed.

Toru-san arched a brow at him, “You _weren’t_ complaining earlier.”

“Wha—uhm— _no_ —,” he stammered out.

“Besides, if you weren’t just taking your damn time,” Toru-san said, “we could’ve gone to our merry ways back to my unit and do _stuffs_.”

“ _Stuffs…_ ” Taka repeated like a parrot, before a huge, bright and perverted grin slowly formed on his lips, “Does that stuff include getting uhm… _naked_?”

Toru-san eyed him as if he lost his mind.

“Well, we could also do it with clothes but that would be hard, but we could compromise,” Toru-san shrugged, “ _whatever makes you happy_ , Taka.”

Oh.

_Oh._

A vibrant shade of scarlet exploded on his cheeks at that. Damn Toru-san always thinking of his happiness above anything else. He did that years ago, helping him find his confidence and happiness as he takes on the stage. He did that when he showed him how to live, how to sing, how to make friends, how to enjoy the shitty life he had hated with so much passion. He also did that when Taka pushed him away, seeking the company of others to prove his point. He let him go, watched and heard him go out with another person— _all for the sake of his happiness._

Taka felt like crying.

_Ah, damn, this man is so…mou…_

The moment was so emotional, Taka’s heart expanding as seconds ticked by, so _naturally_ , Toru-san had to fucking destroy it.

“What?” he blandly said, “Are we gonna stand here like idiots forever? My hair is turning white already, Taka!”

“Then don’t fucking keel over even before we could have sex, old man!” he hissed, earning a shocked, disbelieving look from the younger teen.

“I’m not old!”

“Sure, _ossan_.”

“WHAT—,”

Taka didn’t even bother to look back at the ridiculous look on the guitarist’s face. he stumbled inside the booth, earning surprised— _and a delighted look from Satoh-san_ —glance from everyone. He smiled, trying to plaster his back onto the wall while praying that no one would notice the noticeable bulge on his crotch. He politely nodded, told everyone that he and Toru-san is going home because the guitarist is having diarrhea— _hah, take that, Toru-san! All of your friends are laughing at you!_ —grabbed his stuffs and dashed the fuck away, only to meet Toru-san’s impassive look in the hallways.

He looked _pissed._

“What?”

“…You really had to tell them that my stomach and intestines are exploding in the toilet, Taka?”

He narrowed his eyes as he adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder. He can’t see where the conversation is going. He had escaped and no one would bother them for a while so why is the leader looking at him like that.

“It’s the _best_ excuse I can come up with,” he shrugged.

Toru-san clacked his tongue before he extended a hand—Taka watched the calloused hand for a moment, his mind reliving those times— _painful times_ —that he craved for the touch, for the warmth, for the security and love those hand could give just by merely holding on to it. The times when he would grab the nearest hand to him, only to realize that it was Emichi’s and not Toru-san—

“Remind me to never bring you out with my friends again, Taka.”

Taka glared at the man who’s probably born to fuck up any sentimental moments before he practically lunges for the offered hand—all the tension from his mind, body and soul instantly dissipating as he was engulfed within the familiar feeling of being cared for, of being acknowledged, of being needed, of being loved.

Of being _home._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The way home is the longest, most agonizing, painful travel to the guitarist’s unit Taka had ever experienced in his entire life. Well maybe he’s just _overreacting_ but dammit, why is the ride so fucking long? The leader’s house is not in _Hokkaido,_ dammit! And being in the back seat with the guitarist, in a closed, cramped taxi is not really helping his case, nor lessening the desire and thrill coursing into his body, while Toru-san is just looking straight at the back of the passenger seat, calm and composed and looking content with the whole situation.

_It's killing Taka_. The traffic is very slow.

So.

_Fucking._

Slow.

And it takes every ounce of his patience not to just kick and throw a huge fuss at the unfairness of the universe. Or maybe he’s just thinking too much. Of getting into Toru-san’s pants. Or _vice-versa_. Anything, really. He would take it all.

As the car continued its extremely way through the traffic, he felt the subtle touch—faint and like a flutter of butterfly wings—on his hand that was resting between them. Toru-san is glancing down at him, a soft, happy—as happy as his perpetually-bored face can muster—smile on his lips.

“So…” he started.

“S-so,” Taka dumbly nodded, his skin tingling where the skin of their hands were connected, for absolutely no reason at all before he realized something, “Why are we even going into _your_ house, Toru-san?”

“You agreed to it earlier.”

Well, he got a point _but._

“Why?”

Toru-san pursed his lip, scrunched up his nose as a faint blush spread across his pale cheeks. “Well, I have the necessary stuffs in my house,” he said, plain and simple and yet it made Taka’s head exploded like fuck.

“W-what the hell,” he said in growing shock, “Stuff? You _mean.._?”

Toru-san grimly stared back at him. “Yes.”

_Oh, so the man has already prepared for this shit. How long?_ How long did he have those stuffs stored in his house? How long was he fantasizing about getting some action—on the sheets—with Taka? And god, how long has the leader been waiting for this moment? How long did he felt the pain, the longing, the insatiable desire to be with each other—closer than everybody has ever been to them?

Tears prickled on his eyes at the thought that the guitarist had suffered enough—long enough— _and that he’s a—_

“Huge, hentai gachapin,” he hissed, teary eyes and all, that just made the younger teens smugly grin down at him.

“I need to be _prepared all the time_.”

“I’m surprised that you didn’t have them in your pockets.”

“Well, we don’t want them _bouncing off my pockets_ while jumping in our performance earlier, right?”

Taka’s eyes almost popped out of his sockets as he glared at the smirking teen. Damn, he looks so smug and proud of himself that Taka wanted nothing but to ripped that smile off his stupid face!

 “You fucking pervert,” he hissed.

“I’m just being _convenient._ ”

“Right.”

“Right.”

They exchanged some stupid look—one glaring, one teasing—before they suddenly burst into hearty snickers. God, they sound like high young men, or kids with sugar rush or something that even the driver casted a worried look through his rearview mirror. They both instantly shut their mouths at that.

…

_God._

Taka didn’t open his mouth after that because as romantic and sappy and special and light the atmosphere is after their massive giggling spree, he can still feel his body reacting in different ways with the close proximity of their leader.

Toru-san didn’t dare to say anything.

Not even the driver, which is a good thing, because he really doesn’t want deal with homophobic bigots at the moment. He just wants to go straight into Toru-san’s unit, plop on the bed and get the best night of his life.

…

…

_Shit, why am I feeling so hot?! I’m not even a damn virgin!_ Taka is a _well-experienced_ young adult and he don’t get hard just because the object of his desire is sitting a mere few inches from him.

He casually looked down a bit. Yep, he was _(still) very much aroused_. Yes, very much aroused indeed. Aroused and _obviously in the mood_. Anxious and awkward and nervous, but yeah, obviously in the mood to get laid in a few minutes from now.

_Hopefully._

The traffic mercilessly slowed down again and Taka was so ready to just swing the door open, leaped out of it and run towards the guitarist unit, dragging the said guitarist behind him.

His knees started bouncing in burning anticipation and excitement and nervousness. And for some weird reason, those agonizing, desperate tension in the air just make him even hornier.

_It was…_ Taka feels like he’s about to burst into _flames_ —something he didn’t experienced on the first time he spent with the first girl he ever loved—admired—or _what-the-fuck-ever_ years ago. This is strange, scary, maybe a little bit terrible but…god, he wanted it so badly, he wanted Toru-san so badly, it didn’t even matter what else is gonna happen tomorrow, the next day, or the next week—as long he and Toru-san were together.

Somehow, he feels like everything is going to be alright. Because _what’s worse_ than losing Toru-san permanently? _What’s worse_ than living and doing music everyday but without their special bond, their special understanding of each other? He was so used in being in the dark, again, for months of being childish and petulant that he had somehow lose grip of what it’s like to be happy. To be safe, to be expectant of a bright future.

But now…

Does…

_Does Toru-san even feel the same?_

Taka gathered his scattered brain and courage at the moment as he carefully looked at the guitarist sitting beside next to him—only to find those heavily-lidded eyes staring at him the whole time. What the fuck. Toru-san stared eve more, his dark eyes subtly brightening up as their gazes—no matter how cheesy and cliché it sounds—met.

Well…

Taka swallowed—because he would be drooling all over the car floor if he didn’t— and licked his lips expectantly. Toru-san eyed the pink muscle hungrily.

_Ohhhh, he feels the same._

Actually, now that Taka is looking— _ogling_ —the man’s face, he can see how Toru-san looked like a wide animal. His long hair was messy, his clothes crumpled like he had just rolled all over the ground. His lips were closed in a tight, firm line, eyes dark and casting dirty looks at him that he hadn’t seen for a very long time.

A very long time indeed.

Taka couldn’t really understand it— _one moment_ , he’s horny and ready to pounce like a mindless caveman onto their guitarist, _then the next,_ he wanted nothing but to just slid closer, press his side on Toru-san’s side and lean his head onto that broad shoulder he had missed so much. One moment he was burning with need, then the next, he’s simply content with the presence of their leader—strong, cool, and mighty—beside him. It was sickening, it was maddening and Taka thought that this is probably what it feels for schizophrenic people.

Maybe he’s getting crazy.

Maybe he’s just in _love._

_Mmmfffghhh…_ he cringed, wanting nothing but to crawl under a rock and die or just crush Toru-san with a bone-crushing hug. Toru-san watched as he waged an internal debate with his horny self, until he felt a warm, warm hand reaching for his cold, shaking ones. He looked up, only to see the guitarist smiling so gently—that it gives Taka the creeps, more than the reassurance that the leader probably wants to originally convey—as if telling that everything would be fine.

And that, judging by the suggestive quirks of his eyebrows, he’s also very, _very_ horny.

_Damn, perverted Gachapin._

 

* * *

 

 

 

If there’s hell on earth, it’s probably the shit-ton of minutes before they finally emerged from the damn taxi. It took _forever_ getting stuck inside the vehicle and the two was practically taking titan-like steps towards the stairway, taking two steps at a time just to reach their destination—fast. They we’re grinning _like maniacs_ , panting like dogs and hard as rocks and before Taka knew it, they’re already in front of the leader’s unit, with the said leader fumbling through his keys with shaking hands.

“Goddammit, hurry up, Toru-san!” Taka said through clenched teeth as he bounced up and down beside the guitarist, “My dick’s gonna fall off here, you fucker!”

“It’s not my fault the damn keys are lost!” the younger teen hissed back, the keys— _which is a lot, and awfully looks the same as his own_ —jiggling and making metal noises that just annoyed the shit out of his nerves. Gaaah!! Why now?! After two minutes of fiddling with the goddamned keys, and having no luck at it, Taka finally snapped—

“Ah, fuck it!” he screeched, fishing the key ring which only has two keys attached on it form his pocket, and inserted the right one into Toru-san’s door, “We’re gonna die here first before we could actually enter, Toru-san!”

Toru-san watched him in disbelief as he unlocked the door and pushed it open as if he owned the damned place.

“You could’ve done it sooner—,”

“Fuck off, old man!”

“I’m not old!”

Taka whirled around, face flushed and his entire body shaking in anticipation, but he didn’t manage to retort at that because the moment the door shut closed behind the guitarist, Toru-san was already pouncing on him—

_“Fu—,”_

The curse died down on Taka’s throat as the leader roughly pushed him onto the wall of the genkan, the sudden moved startled him a bit, a soft gasp escaping his lips.

“Damn, that _hurts_ —!”

Then the leader was already forcefully crashing his parted lips on Taka’s, taking advantage of his protest to easily slip his tongue into his mouth. The abrupt, merciless, _and oh-so_ fucking bold invasion of his warm, wet tongue went too fast for Taka’s befuddled mind to process—eyes wide and shocked as he stared at the zoomed-in face of their leader—before he finally realized that he could’ve reciprocate and cling onto the leader instead of, well, just standing there, frozen and stiff in the fucking genkan. His arms excitedly raised themselves to wrap onto the guitarist’s neck, strategically pulling him down as Taka angled his head to accept and give more of those mind-blowing kisses.

_Everything went out…out of its own, seriously_.

Like Toru-san busying himself with Taka’s mouth, aggressively exploring it, teasing it, plundering it with that damned hot, fleshy, wet muscle of his that apparently couldn’t leave Taka’s own tongue alone. Taka gasped, head getting foggier as the guitarist lick and flick inside his mouth that stirred both of his heart and head and…

_It looks like a dream_ , feels like a mighty erotic wet dream and Taka had to fist his hands onto the rumpled clothes juts…just to make sure that this is real, that _Toru-san is real_ , and that he won’t just wake up in the middle of the night, sweating on his bed— _sweaty and aching and longing_ , oh-so craving for the touches and kisses and burning gazes—

Toru-san’s hands fastened themselves around Taka’s waist to hold him, thumbs rubbing over the flash of skin that was showing due to careless and rushed movements, just above his hip bone. It was so soft, so chaste, like an aimless touch while cuddling through a movie, except that Toru-san—the ever perverted Toru-san—quickly make amends of that to prove Taka wrong.

“Damn—,”

The guitarist obviously quickly grew tired of just constantly touching that patch of his skin, his hands became more daring and bold as he now took a good, strong hold around his hops to push Taka’s aching and oh-so-way-too-confined stiffness against his own very present boner.

_Fu—_

Then he started grinding his hips against Taka and Taka’s knees almost doubled over at the sheer intensity of the pleasure— _yes, yes, yes, I’ve waited for too long and—_

And it seems that the guitarist is thinking of the same thing because _there’s nothing_ soft and gentle and romantic with the way they move against each other. For that moment, they were just a _pair of horny_ , hormonal teenagers who got too drowned in the sexual tension engulfing them for months now. Taka couldn’t complain, really, because he doesn’t want words right now and fuck, he will really punch this annoyingly handsome man’s face.

_Then he’ll kiss it better._

…

_Because that’s what l-lovers do, right?_

…

Taka inwardly grinned at his genius-like thought, but that moment of sheer triumph was short-lived because his mind instantly went bursting into flames when Toru-san just…pulled him and shamelessly started rubbing their groins together—his eager mouth swallowing all of Taka’s sudden gasps and yelps until both of them we’re already panting for small seconds of breathing. They never stopped kissing, and Taka’s brain is quickly turning into a soft, pink, hideous mush so he pulled away from the demanding mouth—panting with harsh, painful puffs and breathy coughs—his throat hurts like a motherfucker _, I will always remember that torture, Satoh-san_ —as he rested his forehead on the guitarist’s shoulder to just…

Breathe a little.

Everything was happening too fast—not that he has any complain about it—but hey, a man deserves a moment of silence and thinking, ne? Besides, his heart is threatening to explode any moment from now—the loud Thump! Thump! drumming into his hears, deafening and maddening.

“Taka… _ah,_ Taka…” Toru-san mumbled, nuzzling the side of his head with his nose, “Damn you—,”

What the fuck—

_Why on earth is cursing me right now—_

“—you took too fucking long!” the guitarist let his hands travel down, south, on his jeans, hands splayed on his almost-non-existent ass—enough for Taka’s eyes to widen and knees turn to fucking jellies, because holy shit, _this is it!_ “I don’t know what to do with you anymore!”

And because Taka is too horny and desperate, too, at the moment, he responded to that too quickly for his liking.

“ _Anything,_ ” he breathes out, earning a surprised look from the leader. And oh, if it wasn’t a good sight to behold—how the surprise morphed into disbelief then to satisfaction and finally—

Warmth.

Appreciation.

_Love._

A few months ago, he could say that but with a completely different meaning. They were romping around back then, no strings attached and only has the budding of an intimate relationship but now—Taka said those words _with love_. Toru-san _could do anything_ to him and he would allow it; Toru-san _could say anything_ and he would do it; Toru- _san could go anywhere,_ and Taka would be more than eager to follow him—even if it’s in the depths of hell.

_Trust._

He can now fully trust this guy—the same man who scared the shit out of him during their first meetings, the same guy who’s constantly trying to probe into his mind like a rear specimen, the same man who was so different from the brash, loud and deathly honest Takahiro.

Trust him with his _body._

Trust him with his _heart._

Trust him with his _life._

Trust Toru-san— _Toru-san and only Toru-san_ for the rest of his life—

“F-fucking asshole,” Taka said as tears made their way on the puffy rims of his eyes, “Don’t make me cry, dammit!”

“I hadn’t even said a thing!”

“T-then stop looking at me like that!” Taka said as he tried to aggressively rub the tears away, “Like…like…”

Toru-san’s fingers run through his damp, messy hair in a soothing manner, silently telling him to…take his time and think of the things he wanted to say. But he doesn’t want words. Words complicate things, and it’s better to just…get into action, prove all his intentions—wow, that rhymes—and face the consequences afterwards.

“Like what?”

Taka felt like he had just swallowed his throat at that, “Like…like I fucking give everything to you!”

“But you really said that—,”

“It’s not like just that!” he snapped, earning a confused look from the man. Damn, they’re having _the massive, most painful boners_ of their lives and instead of taking actions to relieve them, they’re just here, standing in the dark, cold genkan and throwing confusing words at each other, “I can’t give you everything coz I’m a lost cause! I don’t have anything aside from my voice and—and—,”

Taka wasn’t able to finish those words of depreciation, when he found his face encaged with Toru-san’s calloused hands. He met the heavily-lidded eyes, wide and pupils blown, staring directly onto him—

Don’t…

_Please don’t leave me again…_

“Damn you, Taka,” he said, and if it’s not just because of the heavy, sentimental atmosphere around them, Taka won’t hesitate to knee the man onto his stupid stomach for randomly cussing at him, “You’re always talking about yourself as if you’re a lost cause—,”

“Well, _surprise surprise_ in case you didn’t heard, I’m really a— _mfffgggh,”_

The hands on his cheeks pressed harder, making him look like a pouting chubby fish.

“Fuck _that_ ,” Toru-san grumbled, making Taka snapped his eyes—lips puffed out and silly—towards the guitarist’s face. his breath hitched at that, and all the longing and craving and love just exploded within him, “ _I found you_.”

Of course.

Of course, leave it to the shitty man to arrive with such cheesy, heart-melting words _. Oh my god, Toru-san can you be more disgusting? And romantic? And inspiring and loving and caring and—and—_

And Taka’s suddenly back in the small, dark live house, eyes unseeing in the small crowd across him. He can hear the sounds, but everyone and everything is moving slow and muted, everything is washed out in monochrome—the stage, the boards and his faded converse shoes as he stared— _glared_ —at the floor.

_What if…_

What if Toru-san wasn’t there to find him alright? What if he never had gone to their first live, what if he found another vocalist suited for his band?

What would’ve happened to Taka?

Dead.

_You will be dead._

For real.

“R-right,” he blurted out, which came out as _“mwipe”_ because the asshole is still holding and squeezing his cheeks even in the middle of that heart-warming scene. Ridiculous. It was so serene for a moment, the bastard breathing as heavily as him. No one spoke, no one moved-which means Taka had to remain looking like a fucking duck while those huge eyes shameless ogle his flustered and horrible looking face.

And then as fast as the intimate moment of silence came, it instantly disappears when the younger decided to moved his hips again—hands abandoning his cheeks in favor of pulling him closer. Naturally, Taka had to hugged him really tight and gasped like fuck as the guitarist rocked his hips against his. It was slow— _very slowly_ —at first but it grew fast, almost mercilessly grinding his hard, clothed dick onto Taka’s.

_Oh, shit, shit, can ‘t we even get onto the bed before we—_

“…the f-fuck!” Taka croaked out, hissing away the pain when Toru-san practically smacked him against the wall again to continue pounding onto him—making Taka’s body tremble and shiver violently—

_Crap, crap, you horny dog, get me on the fucking bed first!_

That came out as a series of indecipherable Chinese. Or Greek. Or _Alien language._

“ _mpfffhggg ah!_ Toru-san—!” he whined, helplessly, “w-what are you doing— _ah,_ ”

Of course, Toru-san didn’t answer him. He just growled something Taka couldn’t catch, but hey, he did look at him—feverish, lidded-gazes were disturbingly hot and bothered enough for the vocalist to shut his trap and stop complaining and do the next thing that came into his mind.

He spread his legs apart.

…

…

_Ohhhhh._

Judging by the satisfied and admiring look on the man’s face, Taka probably did the best shit ever. The guitarist seemed to really like what he was seeing and he suddenly let go of aka, to fumble with the belt of his pants with Taka hazily watching him struggle at it for a minute—before Toru-san realized that he was just…standing there and watching the teen get naked like a dumb _creep._

“Well?!” Toru-san arched an irritated brow, “Are we gonna get out of our pants or just stared at each other, like what you’re doing?”

Taka scowled at him but did what was said—he’s an obedient little shit. _A horny obedient little shit_ , to be exact, but that doesn’t’ stop him from grinning in triumph because while Toru-san was still tugging on his zipper, Taka is already lowering his pants. So fast, that Toru-san’s head whipped towards him in disbelief.

“What the fuck?!”

 Taka felt a timid— _timid? Seriously? When did you even get timid, you motherfucker_ —blush crept up on his cheeks under the intense scrutiny of the guitarist. Toru-san froze all his clumsy fiddling with his pants, zipper and belt and let out a soft, frustrated groan as Taka hooked his thumbs into his boxers and peeled them off his gross, sweaty lower body—

_Very slowly._

Since the gachapin obviously like these kind of games so much. I mean just look at how big his eyes are! Damn, hold it Toru-san! They might pop out of your sockets, mou!

“That’s…” the leader gulped, Taka watching as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down on that silken throat, “that’s so…” he muttered under his breath—before he suddenly didn’t find it difficult to drop all of his pants at all.

_Then he attacked Taka._

Seriously!

He went so damn fast, that Taka couldn’t even say “asshole!” when the guitarist pinned him to the wall—for the umpteenth time already—again. Taka couldn’t help as wanton moans and gasps went flying out of his mouth at the sudden contact between their slick member.

“My back would fucking _b-bre—ah—ak_!” he hissed between deep groans and grunts, attempting to hold onto the taller’s shoulders and rutted against him in full force. It was wet and slick and hot—so fucking hot—and hurried and violent that make Taka love it even more.

_Heh._

He probably has some _masochistic side_ hiding deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, _deep_ within his system. And only to Toru-san because damn if he will allow Tomoya to bully the hell out of him. Never.

_Mnnggffhh…_

Toru-san’s hands made sure to keep him in place as he gave him a sloppy kiss that was probably aimed for his lips, but ended on his cheek instead because the guitarist has probably lost control on very part of his body—well, except for his hips and boner.

“Such a tease,” he mumbled against the heated skin of his cheek, teeth nipping it and licking the corner of his mouth—gah, where did you even learn to do these shits?! I’m the one who’s experienced here, goddammit! —, “Holy shit Taka, if you ever do something stupid like running the fuck away later, I swear, I’ll hunt you down and _chop off your dick_ , you understand?”

Taka screwed his eyes shut at that. He really _should_ be scared out of his wits that their usually calm and composed leader is threatening to slash his dick off his body, but he’s too lost in pleasure, too drowning in the presence of the man across him—his senses having an overload of Toru-san— _Toru-san’s scent, feel, breath, the touch of his skin,_ the familiar feeling of their slick members sliding and rubbing against each other, the perfectly sculpted lips whispering incoherent words on his cheeks, the yet-to develop broad shoulders, those smoldering eyes and hands— _everything—_

Toru-san is everywhere. _Toru-san is everywhere_ and Taka feels himself suffocating so he just bit his lower lip when he felt that he wans'’ going to last for much longer, his blunt nails digging onto the p0ale arms of the guitarist as he nodded furiously.

“A-ah…ah…I-I hear y-you…” he panted, automatically speeding up his uncoordinated squirming when Toru-san increased the rhythm of his mindless humping, “ _holy sssshit, we really…really...need...ah…b-bed—ah_!”

Taka didn’t expect their shitty reunion of sort to be this fast and well—mind-blowing. His brain short-circuited for a moment as he reached his climax faster than he had thought he would. He couldn’t even finish his damn sentence about moving and fucking onto a proper bed when he came—hard and fast, his knuckles turning white as he tightly clutched the guitarist’s arms. Toru-san soon followed after—the bastard probably got off as his face twist and redden like a fucking stop light—before he suddenly grabbed his face and showered slow, relieved kisses all over it—his thin lips lingering when he kissed his mouth just for the heck of it.

And oh did Taka made _disgusting soft little mewls_ of appreciation at that.

So good, it was so good.

His mind is in heavens, clouded with post-coital bliss and surrounded by the warm presence of his now-lover. Ah, when was the last time he felt so relaxed that his bones practically _sing_ in delight? When was the last item he had wanted nothing but to bury his nose onto that shoulder, cling to him and cuddle like there’s no tomorrow?

When was the last time Toru-san had held him like this?

_Too long,_ his mind simply— _and lazily_ —shrugged, because you have fucked up priorities you dimwitted fool.

He blinked at that, noticing that they’re still in the genkan, breathing heavily against each other. Toru-san is looking down at him with glazed eyes, furrowed brows before he suddenly beamed a soft smile down at him. Then, Taka _vomited_ his heart out.

_Just kidding._

Damn, that smile was so fucking sweet he won’t be surprised if huge-ass ants would just barge into them to eat the motherfucker.

Anyways.

They grinned at each other— _stupid, lovesick fools_ grinning as if they’re not making a mess on the floor, like they’re not naked from waist down, like they didn’t just went at it like rabbits a few seconds ago—not really knowing what else to do. Until Taka decided that they’ve done plenty of heavy, perverted breathing already.

“Well,” he licked his still moist lips, “That was…t-that was…good, _alright_...”

Toru-san pursed his lips, his mouth curling in an amused smirk without actually saying anything.

“It’s good, yeah…” Taka leaned back on the wall, on his own, this time—I swear I’ll have spinal damage if Toru-san would keep _banging_ —I mean, _slamming_ —me on every damn hard surface available! — before he weakly punched the younger’s chest—

_“Oof!”_

“But really,” he started, “can’t you want just a little bit longer! You almost fucked me in the fucking genkan, you _uncultured dog_!”

Toru-san arched an inquisitive brow at that. Taka punched his face.

“Ow—!”

“I’m serious!” he said, watching as the man staggered away from him—his…uhm...privates _dangling_ all over the place—, “We could’ve just did it on the bed, instead of rutting like _uncivilized cavemen_ , Toru-san! And don’t go flinging me onto walls, you shit, what if my bones break, huh?! Huh!?”

“But you like it.”

“ _Yes_! But—,”

Oh for fucking fucked fuck’s sake! The smug grin on the guitarist’s face was extra infuriating. Taka then realized that annoyance and _horniness_ should never—ever—be mingling together coz he’ll probably murder Toru-san in pure irritation even before they can actually fuck.

“Then it’s good,” he said and grabbed his arm, “Come on. Let’s go to my bed so we can fuck like,” Taka glared at the taller man, silently challenging him to say something stupid and condescending, “… _civilized cavemen_ —,”

“Shut up.”

“Hai.

“Shut up, mou!”

“Ok—,”

“ _FUCK_!”

“…”

Taka glared the living daylights out of the teen as they padded towards the bedroom, half-naked and aching and desperate for more romping on the sheets. Then Toru-san opened the door, let Taka in like the _occasional_ — _yes_ , because he’s an insensitive idiot about those kinds of stuffs—gentleman he is, while Taka went to the damn bed, sighing in relief when his ass— _naked ass_ plopped on the soft cushion.

He then looked up at Toru-san who’s standing a few feet away from him, his huge eyes staring at him with an equally _lost_ look on his face.

…

…

…

…

The silence was so _deafening_ ; Taka could practically hear the cicadas buzzing outside—even if the summer had just rolled by a few weeks ago.

Huh.

…

_Awkward_.

…

Still, it could have been worse, _I guess_. At least no one looks scared and/or on the verge of jumping off the window to do some running away shits again. But that doesn’t stop Taka’s eyes from darting everywhere in search of _potential_ escape routes.

What.

_Why would I even want to escape?! I want this! Look at my dick—I mean_ , look at Toru-san, _coz he’s a dick_ , he also wants this! _We both want this s_ o there’s no need to know how many steps it’ll take to go to the door or if the windows are locked.

…

“S-so,” he stuttered like fuck, “What are we gonna do now, Toru-san?” he asked, bringing his attention towards the guitarist who’s dumbly standing near the door. What the hell is he still doing there?

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “Maybe we should get naked?”

“Oh right,” he slowly said, “You’ve been planning that since the _start_ , right?”

“Yes.”

Taka almost swallowed his tongue at that _shameless_ admittance. Damn, the asshole didn’t even make any effort to deny it. Not like he could actually deny that he’s not practically getting Taka naked just by staring at him all these times…

“W-well, let’s get naked then?”

“What, you want me to strip you off?”

He glared at the man— _huffing_ —before he raised his arms to pull his shirt off. He doesn’t need his pity nor his help! Taka is a perfectly capable adult who can take his own clothes off to have sex, _thank you very much_! He could do just fine—

_Except_ that his hands were shaking like hell, and that he forgot to undo the top button of his shirt—effectively trapping the neck line on his head, his arms, raised and trapped in the tight confines of the stupid shirt.

“ _Gahhjsdjs_ —!” he tried, pulling the shirt off but he’s also kinda balancing himself on the bed because duh, he can’t see and the panic and humiliation burning within him is making him lose balance—, “Help me, Toru-san!”

He can hear the sound of footsteps shuffling close but no aid came. The bastard is probably standing a foot away, grinning and watching his misery in delight.

“I thought you don’t need my help?”

“Well, I need it now!” he groaned, arms screaming in pain, “ _Helpppmmme_!!!”

Instead of immediately helping him out of the head-eating shirt, the guitarist actually had the guts to fucking burst into cackling fits. The sound loud and deep, grating into his nerves—

“ _Ahahahahahahaha_!!!”

“Stop laughing, _mou_ —!”

“Ahahaha—,”

“Gah!!!” Taka blindly kicked the air, hoping that he’ll hit the guitarist’s legs but to no avail. Dammit, he hates to be so helpless like this, and the laughing spree echoing around him is just making things worse _! I swear I’m gonna shave your hair when you sleep, Toru-san!_

“Hai, hai, stop moving around ahaha- _hahaha_ —,”

“Stop laughing!”

“Haaaiii,” the guitarist drawled before Taka felt a strong pair of arms pulling the shirt off his head—and it wasn’t easy. He doesn’t know if he just developed a huge head in a matter of seconds because it took five attempts before the guitarist almost toppled on his back as he successfully pulled the damn shirt off—wait, was that a ripping sound I heard? —leaving Taka naked as the day he was born.

“Holy fuck, Taka!” Toru-san said as he spins his shirt into the air, “You should lose weight! You’re the vocalist, our front man so you should be pleasing to the eyes!”

“ _Holy fuck, Toru-san!”_ Taka retorted, eyes twitching in annoyance as he grabbed the nearby pillow and put it over his naked, and very aroused member, so that he would feel less… _naked_ in front of the still half-dressed guitarist. It didn’t work tho. “Are we really gonna talk about my body here?! And look who’s talking! You and Alex are the eye candies for our band and look how horrible your hair is!”

“Hey!”

He ignored the flash of indignation on the bastard’s face.

“I will lose weight if you cut those curls off!”

“Then don’t lose weight!” he snapped, making Taka feel a bit betrayed. Now, everyone—as in the wo of them—should already be fucking like rabbits in heat at this moment, b _ut no_ , they’re a bunch of young, hyperactive men who would rather scream profanities at each other than to _screw each other senseless_.

_Is your hair more important than me?!_

He narrowed his eyes at the guitarist, “How. Dare. _You_.”

Toru-san smirked, and that was the last straw. Taka hurled himself into the air, grabbing and pawing at the guitarist who cussed and cursed him to Mars and back.

“Wha— _oof_ —,” he staggered, before his knees buckled, sending the two of them— _one completely naked, one half-nake_ d—rolling on the cold floor, “Get off you—!”

But Taka didn’t get off, and instead, latched on the messy curly hair and pulling on it—

“Ow, ow, ow, don’t pull my hair—!”

“I’ve had _enough_ of your ugly hair!”

“Fuck—!”

“Fuck you _too_!”

One moment they’re rolling around aimlessly, like children hungry for victory and childish glories—pawing and scratching and elbowing— _oops_ , Taka winced when he accidentally landed his elbow on the guitarist’s stomach, earning a painful puff of air from Toru-san—their exposed dicks _flapping like hell_ in the open air—then the next, they’re already panting and staring at each other’s face like in a goddamned cheesy, romantic movie.

_You know_ , skin glowing with adoration, Toru-san’s hair falling like curtains on Taka’s face, and eyes glimmering with the promises of undying love—

_Except that they have a shit-ton of red marks on their bodies, hair messy and looking like fucking bird’s nest, and eyes glaring murderously at each other._

Taka can feel the guitarist’s breath just a few centimeters above his parted lips—hot and moist. He roughly sighed, feeling himself getting lost at the intensity of the dark orbs shamelessly roaming on his face. Shyly. Slyly. Gentle yet fierce all at the same time. And then, there’s this soft chuckle—a warm, deep laugh reverberating from deep the man’s chest and it made Taka wonder how _perfect_ Toru-san can be.

…

_Well_ , he’s not really perfect but…but in Taka’s eyes…

Ah.

_That’s what love probably do to people, huh?_

It _makes_ them see their significant other the most handsome, most adorable, and most gorgeous piece of shit, even if they have nasty hair.

It _makes_ them want to melt into goo and cuddle with them with no apparent reason.

And it makes them desire things—kisses, touches, the press of skin against skin, the feeling of their heart madly beating beneath their chests.

And most of all, it makes Taka _horny_. Like really, _really_ needy so he just tangled his fingers on the man’s nape—fingers running through the dark hair as he pulled Toru-san down in a slow, sensual kiss.

It _was_ …

It was much slower than the first one— _not hurried, not bruising_ —it was just a touch of lips against lips, the tingling sending pulses of happiness to Taka’s brain. Slow and almost caressing, Toru-san brushed the hair covering most of Taka’s eyes, fingers sliding on his face in a reverent manner as he smiled—the bastard had just to smile against his puffy lips before parting them open, engaging both of their tongues in an unhurried, intimate battle.

Taka muffled down a grown, hands clutching on the man’s nape, the back of his head, onto his shoulder— _anything_ he could hold on to, _anything_ that smells and feels and sounds like Toru-san. There were no fireworks or sudden choruses of angels— _coz Taka would definitely freak out at that_ —in fact, the coldness of the floor is starting to seep into his bones and they’re both literally naked as fuck, but Toru-san is so soft yet so sturdy and warm— _warm_ —

And then, warm, thin lips were suddenly sliding down on his jawline, onto the column of his neck and Taka’s member instantly twitched in delight at that. He made incoherent noises, because that’s what you do when Toru-san is giving him a complex look that’s torn between affection and hunger and—

“Ow!” he shoved the man away when he suddenly bit him, “that fucking hurts!”

Toru-san looked down at him with a glint of annoyance on his face, “love bites are _supposed_ to hurt, you idiot!”

Taka’s eyes twitched in pure, unadulterated irritation, “You know what’s going to hurt, Toru-san?”

“Your _ass_?”

“Your _balls_ ,” Taka gritted out and subtly raised his knees—the sudden jerk of his legs caused the man flying away from him in an instant, the look of pure horror etched on his handsome face, “I’m gonna kick it till it _explodes_ , you damn fucker!”

“You _won’t_ dare!”

“Oh I would!" he said, pushing himself off the cold floor, “And can we just go to the fucking bed already? You almost ravaged me on the goddamned floor!”

“Bed,” Toru-san nodded and hold out a hand for him to take. Naturally, Taka had to scowl at it and slap it away. He’s not some damn girl who constantly needs some help. He’s a man. Who’s about to get fucked five, ten, or thirty minutes from now.

He flushed in indignation as he helped himself off the floor and stalked towards the bed—ears reddening to their tips when he saw Toru-san looking at him, licking his lips, before grinning up at him as if Taka just gave him the best treat in the world.

Heh.

He then plopped down on the bed, the mattress dipping under his bed as he scooted until his back hit the headboard of the small bed. He pulled the sheets to cover his waist and eyed the guitarist with a mixture of anticipation and terror.

“W-well,” he swallowed, hard, as his voice cracked, “Let’s do it, and get over it, Toru-san?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru tilted his head at that. He doesn’t like that sound—the way Taka subtly shake, the way his fingers were tightly clutching the poor, poor sheets, the way his voice cracked and his eyes darted everywhere like a goddamned nervous kid. He didn’t…he doesn’t want him to be scared but… _but_ …

It was _supposed_ to be romantic. And full of mindless actions to portray their affections for each other but instead of love, Taka is looking at him as if Toru would just pull an axe out of thin air and murder him or something.

He sighed and took a step towards the bed. Taka visibly _flinched_.

_Holy crap_ , will they be really be having sex? Taka looks like he’s about to be sentenced to death—and as much as Toru wants him to pass out because of bliss and ecstasy, the vocalist collapsing because of sheer fear is the last thing he would want to see tonight. Or ever.

“Why are you looking so _scared_?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper as he sat on the edge of the bed and turned his body so that he’s facing the vocalist.

“I’m—I-I’m not scared! _You_ are!” he said, sounding completely scared out of his wits.

“You look like a fucking wreck!” he insisted, “Relax, mou!”

He must have said the wrong thing, because Taka is now looking at him with glinting eyes—

“Relax?!” he said in a shrilly voice, “Easy for you to say! Let’s _ram_ a hard dick into your ass and see if you can still fucking relax!”

…

…

…

Toru felt the insides of his mouth feeling both dry and wet at that. Oh, so Taka had finally decided that he would be the one taking it, huh? Good. _Good_. That’s good because finally—Taka is finally ready _—_

Images of Taka laying beneath him, eyes glazed and cheeks burning hot-his breath coming out in soft, ragged puffs, mouth parted, his lips opening and closing, calling out Toru’s name like a mindless prayer—

_Toru-san, Toru-san—_

Toru forced himself to open his eyes and watched the older man shifted on the bed like a fucking lunatic.

Oh _fuck_.

Taka looks like a mess, hair standing towards every direction, his skin pale with blotches of red on his neck and shoulders but he had never looked so attractive in Toru’s eyes.

He had waited for this moment and damn if he would let it slipped by just like that.

_I wanted him._

_I wanted him._

_I wanted him so badly._

_I wanted him now._

He reached for the vocalist’s face with shaking hands—cold sweat blooming on his temples—because of what? Anxiety? Fear? Of what? That Taka would still _reject_ him? That Taka would still drop all his affections, set him aside and let Toru rot and die in a heartbreak? —turning his face until his heavily-lidded gazes met fleeting almond-shaped ones.

“Do you trust me, Taka?” he asked, because for the first time since meeting this needy, tyrant, attention-seeking and love-craving bastard, _Toru is the one who’s begging f_ or reassurance right now. He needs it, needs Taka to say that he trusts him, that he trusts Toru to not hurt him in any intentional way. He needed it so badly because if Taka won’t say it then— _then_ —

There was a tensed, awkward silence, and Toru’s arm is starting to get tired and shit, when Taka finally answered. Well, sort of. He just meekly nodded, gulping before he tried to speak.

“O-of course, _baka_ ,” he said before clasping a quivering hand over his own, eyes glaring but holding such tenderness within them, “Y-you should’ve known by now that I trust you with everything, you dumb _brick_.”

Toru blinked.

Did Taka just called him a _dumb…brick?_

“Now kiss me already before I change my mind!”

Toru grunted at that as he scooted forward, closer to the source of warmth, “You’re unbelievable—how demanding, you fucking—,” he starts to say, but Taka is kissing him again, swallowing the words and licking his way back into Toru’s mouth. He and _forgotten_ how expert Taka is in this field, _forgotten_ that he’s more inexperience than him, _forgotten_ how sinfully aggressive and possessive Taka’s kisses can be.

_God, how I missed him._

They kissed and kissed until Toru can’t feel his lips, until his jaw is sore and everything else has faded into background noise, like the roar of the crowd in the middle of a live performance.

“Oof!” Taka made a surprised sound at the back of his throat when Toru pushed him on his back, his hair flying all over them at the impact. Huh, he really should practice self-restraint, because Taka is right—he’ll definitely have a back damage because of too much rough man-handling from Toru.

_He likes them though, h_ e smugly thought as he leaned away, triumph and satisfaction blooming on his chest when Taka desperately chase his lips away, fingers clasping on his shoulder to prevent him from going away.

“Easy,” he said, earning a glare from the flustered, panting vocalist, “I’ll just have to take my shirt off, okay?”

Taka nodded. “About damn time,” he said, staring at him with wide, curious eyes as he pulled his shirt off his body. There’s really nothing worth drooling, he’s thin and tall—he’s aware of that—but Taka is still looking at him like he’s a fine piece of art in a museum.

He blushed. A little.

Then he attacked Taka like a fucking _sex-deprived maniac._ He had lost track of how long he was kissing Taka, --the time fading as meaningless shit in the wet drag of Taka’s lips and tongue and the heat forming in his groin. He hovered above him, tentatively planting himself between Taka’s legs. The vocalist’s eyes snapped wide at that, but didn’t made any effort to close them again. Toru smiled at him— _gratefully_ —and seductively as he rubbed their naked members together.

It was _sickening_ —the sounds of wet flesh rubbing against each other, the friction making them sigh and groan and hold onto each other for dear life—conveying all the miseries and agonies and apologies and regrets and longing in a series of messy, uncontrolled kisses.

It was _arousing_ —listening to Taka’s huff and moans, the voice he loves so-so fucking much—creating rough, raw sounds that sends desire and wants shooting up to his spine, muddling his brain and going straight down to his cock.

It was _maddening_ —as the air around them grew heavy and moist, breaths fanning against flushed cheeks, skin burning everywhere they trailed touches. Toru slid his hand down to Taka’s chest, onto his sides—he wasn’t kidding when he said that Taka should lose some weight—watching in pure delight as Taka squirmed helplessly beneath him.

“Damn you, hurry up—,” he muttered, hands splayed on Toru’s chest—to support him or to just hold on to something for security, for reassurance—, “I might die here first before we finally do it!”

“Stop shouting!” he grunted, jerking his hips towards Taka’s in a punishingly hard manner, gloating as Taka made more indecipherable noises as he reached under the mattress of the bed and fish for the most important thing in any gay sex.

“O-or, _ha_ —,” Taka peered down at him, his head thrown back on the soft cushions of the pillows, “or—maybe you’ll just…just keel over coz you’re an old man and—and— _fuck_!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka’s eyes grew the size of the fucking universe when he felt something wet—no not just moist, wet as if someone threw a fucking _gallon_ of water down his ass—splashed on his naked butt. And then there was pain. Hot, blinding pain and Taka gasped because for a moment, he thought that Toru-san just... _rammed his dick into him without even warning him—_

“F-fuck, _fuck_ , t-take it out!” he heaved, eyes blown wide in panic but Toru-san didn’t obey, and do the fucking opposite, a finger—because it was so damn smaller than the dick he had been groping a few minutes ago—burying itself into him.

“ _Shhh_ ,” Toru-san leaned forward, whispering those words onto his burning ears, his other hand caressing his face with gentle touches. So fleeting and frustrating that Taka wanted to just focus on them and not on the pain—

He felt something wiggling within him and his arms gripped Toru-san’s biceps, eyes wide and head shaking, “I—I—,”

“Relax, Taka,” Toru-san grunted, the pain in his voice was so evident that Taka’s eyes snapped towards him. Why is he looking at him like that? Like he’s the one in pain, like the one who’s taking it up into his ass?

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Toru-san murmured, “but I really, _really_ want you and we need to do this so…so…” he traced the apple of his cheeks with the pad of his thumb and planted a soft, chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth, “…please relax? Do it for me?”

_Do it for you._

_Do it for Toru-san._

“G-god,” Taka nodded, squeezing his eyes shut at the uncomfortable feeling, “I hate it so much when you—when you—,”

“I know—,” Toru-san nodded, hair tickling the sides of Taka’s burning cheeks, prodding and touching into the deepest parts of him that no one has ever did. It scares him, the sense of discomfort is so huge that it might suffocate him and make him do…dire things. Like kicking Toru-san on his face.

“Y-you know that I’ll do—,” his breath hitched, face contorting into pain and displeasure, “I-I’ll do _everything_ if it’s for...for…”

“I _know_ ,” Toru-san thankfully understood that, because he nodded and kissed him—brief yet bruising—before he touched something within him that makes Taka goes blind.

“Fuck—,”

“Yes,” the younger hissed and Taka couldn’t bring himself to look at the smug smile that’s probably plastered on the guitarist’s face right now—when Taka is keening and actually moving his hips—despite the lingering pain and doubt—, “Open up for me—,”

“Shut up—,”

“Make _memphmm_ ,” Taka didn’t waste any time before he lunged forward, legs wrapping onto the guitarist’s waist to pull him closer, and kissed him— _kissed_ him like there’s no tomorrow, _kissed_ him like he’s giving everything to him, _kissed_ him like he’ll die if he won’t.

_I want you._

_I love you_ — he wanted to say that—loud and clear for this dumb, stupid bastard to hear but all that came out of his mouth was—

“Sh-shit!” he moaned, trying to raise himself on his elbows as he stared at the two fingers—or _what was left_ of the two fingers since they were inside him now and blanked out for a minute.

_I mean, come on!_ T-toru-san has this damn fingers up into his ass, Taka’s insides tightening and loosening around them and…and it was strange as fuck.

And it made him irritated for some reason too, coz—

“WHAT THE _AH_ -FUCK, TORU-SAN!!!” he screeched, staring at him with wide, terrified eyes, “you could’ve at least warned me before shoving it up my ass!”

Toru-san smirked at him—before he pushed him down flat on his back again, hooked one of his legs over his shoulder and slid his calloused fingers further into him— _twisting and curling_ —making Taka yelped from the shock of being impaled even more by his fingers like this.

When did he even learn to do that?!

Fuck, fuck, is this how girls feel whenever boys are screwing them?!!

_Shouldn’t it be pleasurable?! Not—not—_

Even so, Taka’s hips moved as Toru-san rubbed his inside—an annoying grin plastered on his face as he watched every kind of emotions flicker on his reddened face—tried spreading his fingers, moving in a scissoring motion to loosen him up and—

Toru-san hit that spot again, making Taka’s head swirl with confusion. He couldn’t understand it, it’s painful yes—and god knows how he hated pain but this is Toru-san doing it to him, this is Toru-san holding him, kissing him, touching him and embracing him, and this is Toru-san who’s practically skewering his ass with those fingers—

_Fuuuuuuc_ —he groaned, the sensations were overwhelming, the pain and pleasure and satisfaction and contentment all making him dizzy with want, with desire, with this need to be with him— _closer and closer—_

Then the fingers were abruptly pulled out, leaving Taka in a dazed, sweaty state.

“Wha—,” he looked up at the guitarist, the sudden feeling of loss, of emptiness surge through him—just as he was about to reach completion—and for a moment a huge waved of betrayal crashed on to him, “ _Why_ —,”

“Not yet,” Toru-san hissed out, his breathings rough, sweat dripping from his matted hair, and Taka wondered on why the fuck the guitarist looks so damn exhausted when he’s not the one taking it—but then he felt something else crashed on his butt and—

He looked down in horror, only to see half of the…what was it called again? Lube? And when did he even bring that out—

“Did you—,” he asked, not knowing if he would choke down on horror and/or restraining his laughter, “Did you just poured _all of_ the lube onto my ass, Toru-san?”

Toru-san glanced down at him, his hands busy putting a condom on his length—and again, where did he get the from—like he had lost his mind.

“No,” he said and showed him the half-emptied bottle, “Just _half_ of it.”

“Why did you even have something like that in here?!” he narrowed his eyes in contempt and slight…jealousy, “You used it to jack off?”

“No,” Toru-san flatly denied, “I just want to be prepared. I have always been thinking about you,”

Taka flushed at that.

“—about doing it, wondering how many fingers would it take to stretch you out _enough_ for my dick to fit into you.”

…

…

Taka breathed through his nose. He can still feel every nerves of his body tingling with pleasure, wincing in pain and singing for more but damn. Damn. He really should calm down and not—

“Ow!” Toru-san yelped when Taka flung a rather hard pillow on the guitarist’s face., “The fuck!?”

“Warn me next time you do shits, you fucker!” he gritted through clenched teeth, “You make my ass a fucking _waterfall_ of lube and it doesn’t feel nice, you jerk!”

“But we really need a lot of it—,”

“Says who!?” Taka said trying to kick the guitarist away from his spot between his legs, “Says your porn videos?!”

“No!” he looks utterly undignified, “Alex-senpai did!”

“Oh.”

…

…

Taka felt at lost. He felt betrayed and fooled and all the other shits. But above all, he felt horrified.

“You…you asked Alex about these kinds of stuffs?”

Toru-san tilted his head, adjusting on his knees and pulling Taka’s legs wide apart in a deceptively calm manner—which is weird because no one should be that calm while they’re about to have a hot, passionate love-making—not just fucking, no, no, this is _deeper_ , this is more _precious_ , this is _real_ —

“Yes,” he nodded and his eyes mellowed down for a moment, “And he answers and helps me, even if he’s so annoying that I always want him on his stupid, grinning face.”

Taka let out a nervous, breathless laugh because he could totally see the two guitarists clashing—one calm and naïve, the other, a teasing, experienced bastard.

“H-he…” he gulped, eyeing the way Toru-san’s fingers ran down the insides of his thighs in a soothing manner, “He wasn’t _disgusted_? Like…for having homo band members?”

“If he did, then he won’t push me into realizing how much _I love you_ , Taka.”

…

…

It was…blurted out in a sharp, straight-forward passion and the guitarist said it without even changing his expressions nor softening his voice nor giving any warnings. It's so… _plain and simple,_ like how rock songs should be. No flowery words, no sugar-coating. Straight to the fucking _balls_.

_I mean, point._ Straight to the fucking _point_.

He looked up at Toru-san—his brows are knitted in worry and yet he looks so…so happy?

Taka don’t know and he really don’t want to think anymore. He’s not smart so he’s not really into that and he ever wanted at this moment is to—to—

“I’ll go in.”

That was the only warning Taka get before he feels the blunt tip of Toru-san’s dick as it slowly— _agonizingly and painfully slowly_ —breached the rim of his ass. He gasped, feeling like he’s drowning as he was assaulted with this mind-numbing pain—burning and stretching and moving within him—tears instantly springing up from his eyes as he arched his back in a helpless moan of pain.

Why—

_Why is it so painful_ —

“Hurts— _hurts_ —!” he chanted, making Toru-san went still, dumping his sweaty face onto his shoulder. For a moment, there was a tensed, sacred silence between them. His heart beat is so loud in his ears, the pain shooting up with very breath he takes.

Why does it hurt?

Why does it hur _t so much_?

_Isn’t it…isn’t this supposed to be—_

Taka had waited for this moment—fantasized it since realizing his feelings for the guitarist and he knows, god knows how Toru-san had longed and pined for it but…but…

And then, even before he realized it, he was already _sobbing_.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru brought his head up—dizzy with feeling of tight, wet heat surrounding his member. He can feel Taka, smell his scent, feel the tensing and unclenching of his muscles, hear his rasped out breaths and the beats of his heart pressed against his own— _Taka is here,_ Taka is everywhere and it suffocates him.

_I’ve always wanted this…this…_

_I love this…_

Love him…

He nuzzled his head onto the vocalist’s cheeks, and looked up, _hopefully_ , with a very soft look on his face…

And the heart hammering within his chest skipped a fucking beat when he saw his _face_.

Taka looked like he was in pain and even some sort of panic, brows knitted and sweat blooming on his forehead, gritting his teeth and clawing his nails at the sheets underneath him. There were no approving moans or blissful whines coming out of his mouth— _no, no, no_ —just some low, choked grunts and sobs.

_Sobs_.

He _shouldn’t_ sob.

Taka is not supposed to—

“Taka, _Takahiro_ …” he stuttered in panic, groaning when the walls clenched painfully around him. Fuck, fuck his dick would fucking _fall off l_ ike this—if Taka would continue silently crying, if he won’t calm down and relax his body—

“It’s _okay_ ,” Taka shook his head, and whimpered like a hurt kitten and panic and fear and dread set in Toru’s heart. He doesn’t want to hurt, don’t want to make him burst into tears, “It’s _okay_ …” he shushed, halting every movement, gritting his teeth as he planted small, soft kisses on the burning cheeks, hands roaming on his hair and back, his arms until his fingers found the vocalist’s and intertwined them.

He didn’t dare to move, but just…wait for Taka’s sobs to gradually died down, watched as he squeezed his eyes shut to prevent more tears from cascading down his face. he was breathing hard, through his nose and not even an ounce of pleasure can be seen on his expressions.

_Oh shit, shit, I fucked up, right??_

_I fucking fucked up—holy fuck—_

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled in pure panic and desperation as he nuzzled his forehead onto the sweaty shoulder, “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m s- _sorry_ …”

He had hurt him. And it leaves a sinking feeling in his gut, and he thought that maybe—maybe this is a bad idea after all; maybe he’s still not ready, not _knowledgeable_ enough, maybe he _should’ve listened_ to the unwanted advices from their lead guitarists, maybe he _should’ve watched more porn_ and read more articles and—

He tried to pull out, to stop Taka’s misery because he’s obviously not enjoying it—but warm legs stopped him from doing so. He grunted, when Taka’s wall clenched so tight he must’ve groaned out a loud curse, making the older glared at him with puffy, teary eyes.

“Don’t be a _puss_ ,” he croaked, “I—I’m not a girl…”

Taka hates pain, loathes it with so much passion and _yet here he is_ —mustering all the courage to hold him still, to prevent him from pulling out completely and it makes Toru’s respect for the man grow higher and higher because _seriously_ —Toru won’t even dare to lay down on his back and take a fucking from another man.

It must’ve hurt like _hell_ , stings like a _bitch_ and yet here’s Taka, scowling at him with his usual frowning face.

He wanted to laughed at that—really, _really_ tried to—but then his eyes decided to do some _waterworks_ and all that escaped his mouth are incoherent babblings and soft curses—his sobs growing more intense as Taka’s shaking fingers run through his messy hair in a soft, comforting manner.

At these moments, he realized that Taka is indeed _older_ than him— _stronger_ than him in all aspects—and to have him in his arms like this…

It was pure bliss even without the high of _coming_ over and over again.

Ah.

_That’s probably what love do to people_ , he thought, as he turned his head sideways, kissing Taka’s jawline and neck, peppering it with attention until Taka is squirming and making swatting motions with his hands. They stayed like that for a while, pressed against each other, connected as intimate as they can be, breathing the same air, their hearts practically _beating_ in the same tune—no matter how cheesy that sounds. No one dares to move, no one dares to break that small, small yet intently sweet moment.

_Well_ , until Taka squirmed a bit, hips rolling as if he’s coaxing to take more of him, take more of Tour into him—

“D-doesn’t it hurt?” he rasped out, but damn, the feeling of Taka all around him makes him see white behind his eyelids—and for the record, they’re still not fucking. _Jesus_. When will this _chapter_ end—

“It _does_ ,” Taka deadpanned, and Toru had to lean away to take a good look on the vocalist’s face. he’s not…that much in pain anymore, though his brows were still knitted, his eyes glassy and there are drying streaks of tears on his cheeks. His lips are slightly parted, skin flushed into healthy red and oh.

Oh.

There’s also his damn hard-on rubbing onto his stomach, silently begging for attention—

“It hurts like a _motherfucker_ ,” Taka said before frowning, “But it’s okay. It’s okay, right? I mean, girls probably have this shit during their first time—,”

“But you’re not a girl—,”

“—but it still hurts and I really, _really_ want you to kick you right after this but— _ah_ ,” he tried rolling his hips, making Toru braced himself on his forearms to prevent him from just…ramming into Taka with helpless abandon. “But it feels kinda nice too?”

Toru tilted his head because Taka is not making any sense at all and he really should consider taking him to the nearest hospital to get his head checked—

“I mean, it’s you,” he said, licking his parched lips in a very non-seductive manner. He looks nervous, bashful, shy and still horny as ever, “If it’s you, I…I _trust_ you so…so…fucking move already you fucking wimp, I mean are we gonna stay like this forever, we still have a _lot_ of positions to try _andmphdhhh_ —,”

He shut him up by a kiss. No matter how cliché it looks because dammit, they’re just having a cheesy moment and now Taka is ordering him around as if he’s not crying like a bullied kid a few minutes ago. He kissed, tears trailing on his cheeks, down to Taka’s, licking and biting and sucking and swallowing all the delicious moans and groans as he pushed himself into him—deeper and bolder—wincing when Taka tightened up for a moment before relaxing.

It feels _good._

Not just because he’s now almost fully sheathed into the man he had pined for so long—it feels good because Taka is _allowing_ him to do this, _allowing_ him do perverted and intimate things to him, allowing him to lead—

The trust he gives is so addicting, like the first time Toru had drank alcohol.

It makes his mind swim, makes him feel like he could do and reach _everything_.

“Ah, Taka, _Taka_ ,” he mumbled as he started moving in a slow, unsure tempo—he hadn’t done this before, and there’s still this underlying fear that he might hurt Taka again—, “What should I do with you, your idiot—

“Wha—ha—ah _?_ ”

“I don’t know…don’t know what to do with, _ah,_ you anymore?”

Taka smiled up at him, smirked, before pulling him by his nape until their lips touched, “A-anything…oh god, you can…you can do _whatever_ you want—,”

Toru cut him off with a kiss— _deep and passionate_ —as he moves in and out of him. Carefully at first because he wants to hear if he was doing it right, but judging from Taka’s increasingly more _delighted_ , more _perverted_ cries of pleasure and need—

“Fuck, _fuck_ , fuck, m- _more_ , Toru-san—I—I swear, you fucking—!”

—Toru is probably doing a pretty damn good job at fucking him. Soon enough, his thrusts got harder, rougher and more uncoordinated as tears relentlessly rolled on his cheeks. It was literally a dream come true, all the times he had woken up—hard and aching—fantasizing about the vocalist, naked and squirming beneath him—doesn’t live up to the real thing.

_God_ , he feels so damn good.

He sounds so good too, and Toru decided that this is favorite sounds from him—next to the awesome singing voice. This sounds so intimate, the cries and whines and whimpers of pleasure made _only_ for Toru to hear and gloat about.

_Damn, damn you—_

He groaned loudly and pressed his face against the juncture of Taka’s neck and shoulder, trying to tilt up his hips with his own—aiming for something, something deep within Taka, something that needed to be pounded mercilessly in order to make the one he loves feel high up to the clouds.

“Ah… _hah_ …ahn, _oh_ , _oh_ , shit fuck!”

Taka temporarily lost his ability to speak and his eyes snapped wide open, his head rolling back and exposing the creamy, sweat-slicked column of his neck.

_Aha_!

_There you are!_

Toru nodded in determination and instantly drove his cock into that sensitive spot inside the vocalist over and over again, being just as _loud_ and _shameless_ as Taka with his panting and wheezing and growling and gasping completely incomprehensible words filled with gratitude and love and admiration.

He feels so good…

_Taka_ feels so fucking good.

He feels so good, too good, too fucking goo and holy shit shit _shitfuckingfuckedfuck_ —

Toru clenched his teeth together and let out a raw, bordering on aggressive moan as he felt himself releasing, shooting deep with the wonderful man beneath him, while Taka grinded himself against him, called out his name— _Toru-san, Toru-san, I need—I love_ —over and over again until Toru reached down, gave his weeping cock, making him to reach his limit as well.

Loudly.

Loudly and raw and _lovely_.

…

And then…

And then there was silence.

It's probably too much, Toru thinks, a few minutes later. His breath is heating up and down, Taka’s eyes were closed and his face is so relaxed and peaceful. He doesn’t want to ruin that precious moment so he just…glanced at Taka’s lower half, realizing that he’s still inside the vocalist, lube and come dripping down where they’re joined and sloppy on the creamy, probably bruised inner thighs. Taka’s legs spread to the width of Toru’s shoulders, and pressed back almost to his chest.

Well…

Taka tentatively clenches, and it rips a guttural moan from Toru's throat, and the look Taka’s giving is too much. His gaze is like telling him that even if it aches and fills him up everywhere all at once, his heart buoyed somehow in an ocean of all that emotion, he doesn't feel helpless or powerless.

He feels _loved_.

Toru feels the same, but he wasn’t able to say that aloud, because Taka is already flipping him off, reversing their positions and impaling himself all over him again—moans and groans filling the air, no longer hesitant, no longer pained—and the night ended with them reaching the height of intimacy any lovers can have, spilling promises of love and care and gratitude.

And _Toru_ …

Toru feels like he’s finally home.

_Home and loved._

 

 

* * *

 

* * *

 

 

 

"So, what do we do now?" Taka softly asked, still somewhat dazed and high in post-coital bliss as he lies on his side, his head propped on the guitarist's arm and chest as he watch the flickers of light play on the slightly flushed face of their leader.

His _lover_.

Taka feels the grin that split across his swollen lips at that. _Lover_. They finally had a label to this shitty yet so fuckin precious relationship. Lovers. They're finally lovers and this indescribable feeling _swelled_ and _swelled_ from within him until he feels like his heart would just explode from the sheer giddiness and happiness from it.

_Lovers_.

But said lover is now busy glaring holes onto his phone, his free hand absent-mindedly running its fingers on Taka's sweat slicked hair. What the fuck is more important than this moment?!

"What do we do now, Toru-san?" he asked, repeated with a louder voice because that's what you do when you're a needy little shit who wants to be the sole focus of your lover's—Taka inwardly giggled at that word, I _think I'll find it funny and cool for five good days—attention._

Toru-san grunted, sliding down on the pillows behind him, "Wedding," he simply said, without taking his eyes away from the damn phone. He looks so grouchy about that single word, but Taka...

Let's just say that it blew him into fucking pieces.

"Wha— _wha_ —," he opened his mouth, trying to say something but words failed him, his brain failed him as he tried to think of something, but woe is him. How can you even think of something to respond against that?!

_Wedding_?!

"Aren't we moving a bit too fast?!" he said in a high-pitched voice as he leaned a bit back, he nervously laugh, eyes darting everywhere, "I mean holy shit, we just fucked Toru-san, and it's great and all, but aren't we moving too fast? I think I've said that already, but damn! Can we at least be in a relationship for at least a year before getting married?!"

Toru-san finally graced him with his gazes and boy, he looks so confused and torn between hitting him on his face for babbling like a fool and kissing him senseless to shut him up.

"And besides..." Taka's eyes grew wide as his mind raced a thousand miles per second, "We haven't even done most of the positions I saw in porns! And we can't get married in Japan, you _dumbfuck_!! We have to go to America for that!"

"Whoah, whoah, _whoah_ ," Toru-san's eyes bulged out even more, it seems that he just got the gist of their silly little conversation, "Who says we're getting married? Are you _high_ , Taka?"

_Yes, I'm high with my burning love for you._

He didn't think of that. While inwardly _purring_. And grinning.

"B-but you said wedding!" he defended, "I asked you on what should we do next and you told me wedding!"

Toru-san looked startled for a moment before he suddenly turned his face away, his shoulder shaking as he struggled to keep himself from just...roaring out in laughter—

"AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" he wheezed out loud, making Taka's face burn into a thousand shades of red.

"WHAT'S FUNNY YOU—,"

"My brother's the one who's getting married!"

Taka blinked owlishly at the leader.

Oh.

"He said that they've decided the date and he's asking me to go home to discuss it with the family," he further explained, making Taka feel like even more of a fool.

Oh.

He sheepishly recoiled, cringing at how the fuck he reacted earlier. Oh my god, that was so embarrassing. Taka jumping into conclusion and shits just because the fucker said the word "wedding"! He didn't even say that we're getting married, _you dumbass!_ Damn, damn, he's really not in his right mind at the moment _. I blame it to the mind-blowing sex earlier._

Then, much to his growing horror, a lopsided smirk lazily formed on the guitarist's lips. It was so smug that even Ghandi would have the strong urge to punch _it, I swear_.

"So, getting married huh...?" he drawled and damn if it hit the wrong nerves within him. He felt betrayed, used, played upon—okay. Maybe he's exaggerating it but _gaaaah_!!! Taka made strangled noise when Toru-san pulled him closer, idly playing with his hair as a deep, warm chuckle reverberated from his chest.

Taka blankly smiled up at him, and if it's not for the twitching of his eye in annoyance, no one would notice how close he is from strangling this man to death.

Toru-san smiled sweetly down at him, well, as sweet as that poker and always closed to death brought by severe boredom face.

Taka smiled _sickly_ sweet at him.

Then he pulled the long curly strands—harsh—

"Itetetetettetetete!!!" the guitarist muttered as his head tilted in an awkward manner. He tried swatting Taka away but the vocalist is quicker, jumping out of the bed bad taking the entire sheets with him. He wrapped it around his shoulders, like a cloak and give 5 sets of dirty fingers towards the direction of his lover. He could've give more but then his hips and ass suddenly flared in pain, and he was left with no choice but to sulkily retreat in the bathroom, holding on his hips as if it would ease the pain.

 "Don't fucking come after me!" he yelled, stomping his way towards the bathroom, "we'll never have bathroom sex because of that!"

Yey he didn't locked nor closed the door shut behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand that's it for DREAMERS.
> 
>  
> 
> lol. Just kidding. Please tell me what you think~!


	58. My Sweet Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you believe in destiny?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH Another forever has passed since I posted the last update. I'm so sorry for that (is there anyone who's still reading this, tho? Eh, whatever) but the weather and flood was shit so yeah. Here's an update! Hopefully, I can get back on the regular schedule by next week, but with shorter, non-sense chapters again. Like the stuffs I always do whenever shit is about to hit the fan.
> 
> This is still in the Kanjou Effect era.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing but the typos and shitty, cringe-worthy plot.

Whoever thought that bathroom sex would be nice and steamy and romantic is a big, _big, stupid idiot._

Like _Taka._

It was slippery—all _wet and smooth_ —and Taka almost cracked his skull open when he Toru-san banged him against the cold wall tiles—

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“ _Fucking—_!” but whatever grunts of complaints were immediately swallowed by the guitarist who followed him inside the bathroom. The kiss was so hot, passionate and full of licking and biting and _oh—sucking—_ and Taka almost forgot how to breath for minutes, because of Toru-san’s insanely _talented_ mouth.

But yeah, his foot decided to slip on the cold floor—because _this is not your typical fairy tale-ish story_ where the universe would be conspiring to give everything for your comfort while making out—instead, the universe is clearly _dying_ to fuck them every single chance it gets. Taka had lost count on how many times he slipped, how many times Toru-san almost slipped, how many times he almost slipped on Toru-san and so on _and so on_ , until they finished having another round of passionate love-making in the bathroom.

_Oh._

You thought that those misfortunes would stop the two of them from going at it like rabbits?

_Nuh-uh._

_I mean, I’ve waited for this for weeks! And Toru-san had waited for this for months!_ They’re both ready and willing and very, _very_ horny so _yeah._

They did it. Again and again until Taka _is limp and boneless—_

“C-carry me, Toru-san..” he groaned out as he practcailly pushed himself off the tub. The water is now cooling and his legs and thighs and oh, _let’s not forget his ass_ —his sore, sore, _yet so happy,_ ass—were hurting and he will definitely wack the guitarist on the head if he just leaves him here.

Toru-san stopped drying his hair with a towel, while Taka’s eyes roamed on the expanse of pale skin of his back—decorated with a ngry red sratch marks from Taka’s blunt nails earlier. _Heh_ , he sleepily thought, _you don’t go away unscathed from this, you bastard_ because compared to the red lines on the guitarist’s back, Taka’s body is like…

Well..

Let’s just say that he looks like he’s been mauled by an _angry jungle cat._

Bites, bruises on his hips, swollen lips—he absent-mindedly licked it, because _why the fuck not?_ Besides, he can still feel the sensitive nerves there tingling whenever they have contact with Toru-san’s thin lips—and every sort of marks littering on his shoulder, the abse of his neck…the inside of his arms…collarbones…

Toru-san blankly stared down at him. Taka hopefully looked up at him with hazy eyes, and batting his eyelashes just to be sure.

“Hell, _no_ —,”

“WHAT.”

“—You’re heavy,” Toru-san said and Taka swears he could hear his jaw dropping on the rim of the tub with a loud _“thunk!”_ “And my back hurts and—,”

“You’re _complaining_?!” Taka breathed through his nose, the warm and nice atmosphere swirling around them instantly vanished because the asshole doesn’t want to carry him for just, what? Four meters? Five? “You’re really complaining about your back, Toru-san?!”

Naturally, Toru-san looked conflicted for a moment, which is _the usual reaction_ whenever Taka is starting to redden, fumes comically steaming for his ears as he desperately fought the strong, _strong_ urge to chidlsihly splash some goddamned water on the younger’s annoyingly smug face.

“ _Maa_ —,”

“I wasn’t complaining when you were _pounding_ into my ass!” he shrieked, fingers tightly gripping the im of the bath tub. Toru-san’s eyes almost popped out of their sockest when Taka practically scream that fact for the whole world to hear, “I wasn’t complaining when you turned into a fucking _vampire_ , biting and sucking on me!”

Toru-san looks like he’s gonna _faint._ The color on his face drained, making him pale as snow as he tried to bullshit his way out of the scream fest they’re about to have.

“—even if my legs and arms and my insides fucking hurt, you didn’t hear me _complaining_ like a wimpy kid—,”

“That’s because you were _busy_ moaning—,”

“ _Motherfucker._ ”

Taka couldn’t take it anymore. He splashed water on the guitarist, making the man shrike like a fucking gremlin as he tried to shield himself from the water using his towel. But Taka wouldn’t have any of it—he’s pissed, he’s aching, and _he’s needy_ for some kind of cuddling and aftercare t6hat the idiot Gachapin jas been depriving him of—so he grabbed the shower head, turned it on and sprayed cold water on the screaming guitarist.

“Fuck, fuck, I just dried off, you _fucking_ —,”

“Bastard! Let’s have you _fucked_ next time and see if you won’t whine like a goddamned child!”

The evening couldn’t have gone worse with them fighting and throwing shampoo bottles and tissue rolls and blankets and rubber duckies— _wait, when did I even have rubber duckies_ —and screaming. Lots and lots of screaming. Until Toru-san finally conceded—probably because Taka was holding the hose of the shower head as if he’s planning _to strangle_ the younger with it—as he begrudgingly reached out to pull Taka out of the tub.

“You’re,” he grunted, “Heavy—,”

He elbowed him right on his gut. Toru-san gritted his teeth in pain as he struggled to carry him out of the bathroom, “I will fucking kill you, you—,”

“One more word, Toru-san. One more word.”

Toru-san, _thankfully,_ shut up at that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka was practically hanging onto the panting guitarist as Toru-san dragged him out of the bathroom. He was dressed— _haphazardly_ —buttons flying everywhere before the leader tucked the both of them under the blankets. And then, they slept.

Like fucking logs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Toru was _dreaming._

He dreamt of a huge arena—thousands of people on their feet, bouncing and roaring their songs. They’re _faceless_ , but have huge grins plastered on their lips as ONE OK ROCK’s songs echoed loud in the hall. He can see the people far in the back, on the stands, and in the moshpits just below the stage all looking at them, all listening and singing. The feeling was surreal—he can hear Tomoya’s loud, energetic beats, Ryota’s bass and Taka’s high, long notes—

And the guitar—

He can hear the loud sound—as if the strings are weeping, the sound so scratchy and distorted as _Toru_ made them, eyes squeezing close, teeth biting on his lower lip as he feels the music—the sound of the _lead guitar—_

WHAT.

Toru’s eyes popped wide open, soft, yellow sunrays filtering through the curtains has landed on his form on the bed.

_What…_

He tried to breath, mind trying to comprehend the meaning of that dream. He was playing the lead chords. There were only four persons on the stage. His brows furrowed in confusion, _where was Alex-senpai..?_

It took a few moments before he regained a steady breathing. The dream made him exhausted as fuck and all he wanted is to hug Taka, bury his nose on the fruity-scented locks and bask on the warm softness of their vocalist—

His hand shot towards Taka’s side of the bed—

—only to find it fucking empty. _What the hell?!_ He pushed himself on his elbows to get a…better look of the empy, cold spot beside him just to make sure that Taka is not realy there. Or on the floor because, _apparently_ , he has this weird eraly morning stunt of kicking Taka out of the bed whenever the vocalist tries to wake him up.

_Where the fuck is that midget?!_

He immediately gets up, went to the bathroom to freshen up—because that’s _more_ important than finding his now-lover, you know _, priorities, priorities_ —before he went dashing out of the room. For a moment— _a horrible, wretched moment_ —Toru thought that he had just dreamt all of it—the confrontation in the bathroom, Taka squirming on his lap in an empty stall, Taka sitting beside him in a taxi, Taka pressed against the walls, Taka writhing beneath him, Taka sitting in front of his legs while in the small,c ramped tub, Taka sleeping against him—peacefully, hair strewn alkl over the pillow, long eyelashes fanning on his scarlet-dusted cheks, lips slightly parted, letting out small, cute sounds…

His stomach lurched at that painful thought because he _wouldn’t be able to take it_ —to know that the happiest day of his life—or night—was just a product of his desperate, deepest desires and imagination. He would deifinitely lose his mind if that even happens.

 _That_ or he’ll just run to wherever Taka is and fuck him against the nearest hard surface.

But it seems that he doesn’t have to do any dire actions, because the moment he flung the door open— _Taka’s bedroom door open_ —the sound of soft guitar strummings filled the air. He let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding, when he saw the familiar mop of messed hair on the sofa—Taka’s back facing him as the vocalist tested a few strums.

Toru…

Toru’s throat clenched at that sight—Taka’s head slightly moving, his entire frame swaying along with the gentle sound his guitar, the vocalist humming and ocassionally letting out words, lyrics to the unfinished, unnamed demo they have been working on in the past few weeks. It was meant to be discarded, the melody sounding like a ballad, but here he is—here Taka is—giving it life, giving it another _chance and—_

This is the sight he’s been searching for, all those painful months.

This is the sight he’s been dreaming of.

_“’tadaima’ mo rokuni ienakute gomen ne… (_ _For my fragile heart not saying "I'm back", I'm sorry)_

_Never knew I’d make you feel lonely…_

_kuchiguse no ‘tsukarea’ mo boku wa ii sugi da ne... (_ _My way of saying "I'm tired" is past now)_

_kaeri o matsu hou ga tsurai noni…_ _(The way I was waiting to return was painful)”_

Toru couldn’t speak, couldn’t even move as he listened to Taka’s soft voice. The words accompanying the notes were like spears, strucking through him, leaving gaping holes, only to be soothed and healed by that wonderful voice—

Toru averted his gaze, looking at the bare walls…the spot where the aquarium stood before…the kitchen...the dining table where covered meals are…the curtains soflty fluttering along with the gentle autumn breeze coming through the window. The unit is so serene, but it feels warm, feels nice, feels like his own home because Taka is here—because _Taka is only here,_ filling that void with his overwhelming presence and affection.

For that moment—that peacefully yet suffocating moment—Toru felt so grateful to all the gods he knows— _even if they’re a bunch of assholes fucking up their making-out sessions in the past_ —for allowing him to meet this wonderful person. If…if he wasn’t in that live house that certain night, if he didn’t responded to that mass text message…

Then…

Then… _Taka_ won’t be here. _Toru_ won’t be here. ONE OK ROCK _won’t be here._

_“Do you believe in destiny?_

_'cause I can't deny, baby you and I_

_naze bokura ga koko ni iru no ka? (Why are we living here?)”_

_I…I…_

Toru felt his heart getting squeezed within his chest at those words. Maybe Taka has developed some…weird out-of-this-world powers? Maybe he can read his mind now?! Huh, Toru stopped listening to the music and words, trying to portray lewd images of him and Taka doing… _nasty stuffs…_

…

…

He really could’ve project his immeasurable feelings for the vocalist, drown him with loves and shits—if he really has that telepathic ability—but no, Toru is a _huge pervert_ , much like how Taka is, and the first thing he tried is to send fucking—literally fucking—images to the older teen.

_Huuuh._

His priorities might be slightly messed up _. Slightly._

But after a few seconds, Toru got bored and felt sheepish so he threw all the x-rated images off his mind and tried on focusing to the music. Taka is still singing and Toru is getting tired of just standing there and watching him a like a _creep_. So he softly padded—barefoot and all—towards the sofa, Taka looking up at him as he sat on the opposite couch but not making any stop to the amateurish strums of his fingers over the taut springs.

He…

He visibly brightened up, upon seeing Toru’s probably disheveled face, his lips pulled in a faint grein as he continued singing out lyrics that he probably just made a few minutes ago.

_“deau beki ni futari ga deatta toshitara bokura (If the two of us must meet by chance)_

_donna konnan mo koereru ne? (what kind of other difficulties must be surpassed?)”_

Heavily-lidded eyes met almond-shaped ones, Taka smiling with just those glimmering orbs. Toru sometimes forget that Taka is a good lyricist—his words always honest whether he’s sad, whether he’s angry, whether he fee’s anxious, or inferior or bullied—Taka always, always tell them without sugarcoating his emotions— _simple and straight-forward_ —the type of rock, the type of music they’ve wanted to create.

_“sonna fuuni kyou mo mata boku wa kimi ni amae sugi (That kind of thinking, I still depend on you too much even today)_

_'cause only I can't drive you crazy!"_

Taka sang, nodding at him—because he's a huge sap, a needy, _walking-ironic sap_ —while strumming the guitar even harder, the melodies ringing in Toru's ears as he tried—desperately tried not to just attack the smaller teen because Tala deserves to be throttled in a bone-crushing hug, punished by bruising kisses and make him _want and moan and call out his name—_

He blinked out of his stupor, his dangerous train of thoughts and realized that it's the other way around. Taka is the one who's making him go _wild and crazy_ —out of his controlled and calm composure. And oh, god knows how crazy he became since meeting the vocalist.

_In a good, pleasurable way._

If he was _sane enough_ , he won't dare thinking of forming a band, of dreaming of greater heights, of desiring something bigger—the crowd, the songs, the venues.

If he was _sane enough_ , he won't dare to admire, to lust over, heck, to love someone of same sex. But damn, Taka had just to come by, and look where he is now.

Here, sitting across the vocalist, listening to his wobbly guitar playing skills, admiring his precious words, his awesome voice—being at the receiving end of that stare, _of that loving stare,_ and it was enough. Toru could go insane and he won't mind it. Not even a bit.

Because in this crazy, dark, horrible world, _there's Taka._

Takahiro

_And it was enough._

For now.

Taka finally stopped playing and looked up sheepishlg at him. He looks like a kid craving for attention and acknowledgment—well, _he probably is,_ except for the fact that he's not a kid abymore, but a perverted piece of shit—and Toru would be more than glad to shower him with praises he oh-so deserves.

"How was that Toru-san?" he asked, tilting his head towards his direction, "I thought that it would be nicr to finally add some words to that demo since I don't know," he shrugs, propping the acoustic guitar on his lap, "We're about to release the album a few weeks from now?"

"Nine, actually," he helpfully said before leaning back on the couch, his tited eyes darting on the ceiling, "Well...that was...that song was..."

He couldn't find the words.

"Pretty? Awesome??"

"No, it was...I dunno," he helplessly glanced at the hopeful vocalist—who's now putting the guitar away—, "Sounds like a love letter?"

Taka laughed, the sound like milk and chocoloate, _smooth and pleasant_ , warming Toru down to his very core. He hopes—prays—that he would be able to witness this in the future.

More.

_More and more_

Everyday.

Toru is crazy. _An insatiable_ one who hungers for success, for the completion of their dreams, for the sole affection of their vocalist.

"Well, maybe it is," Taka said as he stalked towards him, a slight limp noticeable on his every step—Toru smirked at that—

"Don't fucking smirk you egoistic bastard!" Taka huffed unt he was nust standing across him. Toru lazily looked up at him, peering up with hooded eyes that's practically asking for a _beating._

_Or a rough morning sex._

Whatever.

"I said _maybe_!" Taka said as he casually plopped down. Beside Toru. "Besides, it's still bot completed. The lyrics for the last part is still kinda blurry in my mind..."

Toru sighed, an arm snaking down to Taka's side to pull him closer until the vocalist's head is resting on his shoulder.

"Let me hear it?"

"It'll suck—,"

"Because it's sappy?"

He earned a harsh elbow on his side.

" _Motherfu_ —!"

Taka snuggled more into him, as if he didn't just almost bore a freaking hole into Toru's stomach. The little _shit._

"Because it's about us and we're idiots so it'll definitely go weird. Like this—,"

And just like that, Taka started humming, then singing once again—plunging the room in a nice, comfortable atmosphere.

_“Please tell me? Oh_

_kotoba janakute ii kara (Because it's fine without words)_

_tada tonari de hohoende kurereba sore dake de ii kara sa!! (Being next to you smiling is my only wish)”_

Toru subtly squeezed Taka’s side, burying his nose on the tousled locks while listening to the rise and fall of Taka’s voice.

_“The world's in a hurry_

_bokura no jikan wa tomete okou  (Our time has been stopped early)_

_There's nothing to worry_

_toki wa bokura o tsuresare wa shinai yo (Time won't lead us apart)”_

A few more hums, and taps on his lap and Taka was done. It took a moment before Toru could regain his thoughts because once again, he’s being amazed by his vocalist—singing as if he wasn’t blindly using words, singing as if he actually had written lyrics for the undeveloped song.

"Well? It's shit?" Taka asked, “I wanted to make a pretty song with the acoustic guitar to show off the vocals, ne? So it has this…goodness that we can only make if the acoustic guitar is in the front, like Photograph?”

Toru nodded as he recalled the strong acoustic guitar of the Nickelback song _. Sure,_ the melodies kinda take inspiration from it, huh...?

“Sting’s too. He produces a lot of songs with beautiful vocals and I thought that maybe we should try one, with only the acoustic guitar, vocal and empty space but…with a little bit more of a rock flavor?”

“It’s good, just a bit more of…addition of the instruments?”

“I thought so, too,” Taka agreed, “But how about the lyrics? Aren’t they too cheesy that it would make you puke and just…die because of a massive cringe fest?”

_He sure is an anxious and insecure one, huh…And to show this vulnerable side of him to me…_

Toru hummed, "It's a lovesong so it's kinda forgivable?"

Taka noddes and stared at the guitar laying on the couch across them. "It is, right? Let's polish this today and record it tomorrow ao we could finally get over this album."

"You sounds like making this album is a hassle."

"No," Taka shook his head, "It's kinda like the opposite ne? I feel like we've been doing this for too long and I'm already losing interest to our previous songs."

Toru huffed at that but said nothing nonetheless.

"We spent our time fighting and trying to make up, fucking the enyure band, the liv3s and everyone around us...and the songs we made..." he shurgged, before he glanced down on his lap, "it's like with girls, you know—,"

Toru fought the urge to double over and threw up because what the fuck?! Why is Taka suddenly talking about girls?! And while cuddling with Toru of all times?!

"—once we finished a song, I feel like I lost interest in them. Coz we made them, every riff, every beat, every rhythm... _over and over again_ , the same process repeating for every song. It's like when you know everything about a girl, you suddenly lose interest with them, you know?"

"No, I don't," he deadpanned. Maybe he’ll just have to make sure that Taka won’t get bored of him?

Taka glared up at him.

Naturally, he had to defend himself. “I mean, I’m not really involved with girls and you’re the first one I’ve ever… _you know_ …”

Taka stared at him—long and painful, like he’s dissecting every pieces of him, like a lab frog or something—before he burst out into massive giggling fits.

“I know _, riiiight_ ,” he drawled before moving to sit—this time—on his lap. Toru grunted at the weight, Taka should really go on a diet if they will be doing this…this _sitting-on-the-lap make-out session_ every day from now on, “You’re a virgin, after all.”

“I’m not the one _who’s whimpering like a virgin_ last night—,” Taka entwined his hands onto his nape, looking up at him as if he’s planning something. Like kneeing him on his balls. God, that would be awful. And painful.

_Very painful._

“—besides, do you really have to compare the songs with girls, you womanizing bastard?” he said through clenched teeth when Taka started probing his morning erection. _With his ass._

Sweet mother of god—

Focus _. He needs to focus—_

“—w-we,” he glared laser beams at the vocalist when he triumphantly grinned with his stuttering, “we could’ve just…just compared them with children.”

Taka’s hips halted their gyrating movements as he blankly stared at him, silently beckoning him to continue making a fool of himself.

“Children?”

“Yes, like…like…” he really needs to focus on thinking about analogies, not on how Taka would react if they would fuck on that lovely couch, “like we made them…flesh and blood and bones…and then we just…let them off and watch how they will grow? Develop? Turn into adults?”

Taka arched a brow. Toru felt at loss because how could he explain something he can’t even understand himself? Jesus. No wonder he _barely_ passed all of his exams back in high school. He obviously lacked the proper comprehension skills. And _focusing ability._

It took a full, long minute before Taka could finally speak, and by then, Toru knows that the vocalist had already judged him a million times. And oh, he’s obviously laughing in his mind like the damn cackling asshole he is. An asshole he _oh-so love_ to fuck.

Damn, my mind is getting off-track again!

Focus on Taka. Taka who’s looking at him like he’s torn on rushing him to the nearest mental hospital and kissing him for his silly thoughts. He wouldn’t mind the _last one_ tho.

“Children, Toru-san? Really?” Taka asked, amusement visible on the smile on his lips as he leaned forward, close until they’re pressed chest to chest, nose to nose, until Toru’s mind gave up all his pathetic attempts to focus and make more bullshit analogies, “You’re _one creepy, fucked up motherfucker,_ Toru-san.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The part where Taka dedicates the song to Toru-san is obviously not canon, however, the part where he explained the inspiration of My Sweet Baby to Toru-san is kinda legit, based from the article [here](http://www.jame-world.com/us/articles-6615-interview-with-one-ok-rock.html)  
> , where he mentioned Photograph by Nickelback, Stone Sour, and Sting. 
> 
> Well would you look at that, I can finally make hyperlinks jesus christ I'm so damn happy ahhhhh maybe I should do it for the other chapters?? But that would take forever so...maybe not??
> 
> Anyways, please tell me what you think of this! Thank you very much for reading (and waiting)~!


	59. Viva Violent Fellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A single strum of the guitar makes a pleasant sound  
> Following the eardrums, the heart echoes the vibrations to the soles of our feet"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh we're back with the chapters where nothing really happens at all. Like fillers and shits and (hopefully) funny and cheesy stuff that would make us believe in happy endings. 
> 
> Also, I hit my head on a window last Sunday and it hurts like fuck till now?? So we'll have to wait for the update of HTMHF, reicchi-san, for a few more daysss~ I'll post a fanart once it's up hohoho.
> 
> And ahhh the ToruKa shits (or rather, the imagined shits) during the Summer Sonic made me feel alive for a moment.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. OOR is not mine.

"You look like you got the _best_ fuck on your life."

  
"Huh?" Toru absent-mindedly looked up at their lead guitarist's face. They're currently in the older's house, the two guitarists decided to test a few riffs and practice the new songs and make some demos along the way. They have been doing that for hours, a few occasional bantering here and there— _because Alex-senpai would always steal my food! If he didn't just ate all of his!_ —and a few instances when the half—American almost strangled his favorite _kouhai_ to death because of having a too _blunt_ mouth.

  
_I'm just saying the truth_ , Toru shrugged as he tested a few strums on his guitar, _it's not my fault that he takes them as sarcastic shit!_

  
And damn, Toru's head is probably still wrapped on the aftermath of countless times they have fucked in the vocalist's unit. Taka was very _loud_ about it, making sure that Toru _knows_ if he's enjoying being touched _there_ , _knows what_ would make Taka squirm and whimper and attack him with a pillow on his face— _damn that hurts, you motherfucker!_ —and all the other places that hr could only fantasize knowing in the past year.

  
But aside from the passionate moments above the sheets, Toru also love the sweet, tooth-rotting stuffs that came after each tryst. Like when they're just lying on the bed, looking up at the bare ceiling as if it's the most _interesting_ thing in the world. The silence is loud, but not suffocating—no one will speak for a moment, both of them just enjoying the sound of their ragged breaths, the madly beating of their hearts and the faint rustle of sheets with every soft movements they did. Then Taka would start humming, _new songs, old ones, the recent ones_ and Toru would let himself get lost with that magnificent voice—so rough and raw yet still so angelic it's definitely a _sin_ to just ignore it—until the itch to play the guitar would come to him. But he was tired and Taka is already started to doze off, and he would always be left there, laying on his side and watching as the vocalist's eyelids flutter close in a satisfied exhaustion—dark lashes fanning on flustered cheeks before his breath even out. And Toru watched it all because he's a _full time creep_ and because why the fuck not? It's like one of the perks of being Taka's lover right? Being able to see him _sleep_ , see him _weak_ , see him _horny_ and _desperate_ and oh so _gorgeous_ when he reaches his peak—and it was all his to see and _damn_ if he would allow anybody else to witness this.

  
_No one else,_ he thought in fierce, naive determination. He is young, foolish, and utterly in love but right there and then, there's only two things he cared about—Takahiro and the band.

  
Anything _else_ don't matter at all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Earth to Toru, earth to Toru!"

  
A snapped of fingers right on his face send him out of his reminiscent thoughts. He instinctively backed away and grabbed the nearest object to him— _a beer can_ —and was about to smash it on the lead guitarist's face, because _that's what you do_ when the _shitface_ almost hit your eyeballs with his damn fingers.

  
"Whoah, whoah! Chill!" Alex-senpai shield his face with his arms, because, again, that's what you do when your _kouhai_ is glaring murderously at you while holding a not yet opened beer can. _Heh, this will hurts like fuck_ if he would hurl it on the other guitarist's face, for sure.

  
"Then don't startle me like that!" he said and put the can, much to the older's relief, on the table, "And don't go snapping your fingers like that so close to my eyes! You _could've_ got me blinded!"

  
"Ah, so _melodramatic_ , Toru," Alex-senpai nervously eyed the can that Toru gripped a bit tighter after that comment. He gulped before looking up on his face again, "I wonder where did you get that _homicidal_ aura from? Is Mori-chan finally _rubbing off_ on you?"

  
"Yes," he immediately answered, without even missing a beat because he's thinking of the _different_ meaning of _rubbing off._ Like Taka nuzzling his cheeks on Toru's jaws, or those hands wandering down and rubbing—

  
"Huh...I guess that would be expected since you're kinda hanging out together again," Alex-senpai thoughtfully said, "But going back to my comment earlier, you really did a look like you've had the _best fuck o_ f your life."

  
Toru focused on strumming the strings and forced himself not to splutter and make himself an easy target for the half-American. He can sense that Alex-senpai is in _that_ _mode_ again—dropping nonchalant yet so apprehensive comments and one wrong move, one wrong word and Toru would easily tell himself out—like he usually did in the countless of times that he was under the lead guitarist's scrutiny.

  
Which comes to the _very important question,_ why is he even hanging out with this _perceptive son of a bitch_ if he knows damn well that this would end up with him blushing to the roots of his air and having this great, great desire to pummel Alex-senpai to the ground in a really, _really_ non-sexual, but more of a murderous way?

  
_Hmmmm_...Toru dazedly tested a few strums. _I want to kick myself. Hard._

  
Anyways, back to the matter at hand.

  
"What the hell," he asked feigning innocence. He's got an acting skills of a rock, and he never really like doing it— _since that fucking Shibuya15 shit—_ so it's gonna be a _miracle_ if Alex-senpai would fell for it. That, or the half-American is just really, _really_ gullible. And _dumb_. "How can you even tell if a person just had the best fuck of his life?! Are you an esper too, Alex-senpai? Taka would burn your books about aliens and myths if you suddenly spout shits like that!"

  
"Don't drag my occult stuffs here!" the older childishly gasped, "It's just plain obvious! Your face is kinda _shinning_ and you have this...this _disgusting_ —,"

  
Toru's smile tightened, telling himself that attacking their lead guitarist with a canned beer just because of a single word will not be worth it.

  
"—smile on your face!"

  
"What's wrong with my smile?!"

  
"And it's either you're _high_. Or you murdered someone you really hate—,"

  
"Oh, don't talk like that, I might actually grab the offer—,"

  
"—or you got laid," cue the leering grin and suggestive wigglings of the eyebrows, "and _pretty damn good_ , judging on the shininess of your face. Heck you're practically glowing! I might even need to wear a sunglasses around you so that my eyes won't get burned!"

  
Toru gritted his teeth and tried to remember the chords for the latest song Taka had composed. The one with cheesy lines, and with a shitty title that made him constantly _gagged_ for a few days, and if it's not just for Taka threatening that he would _skewer_ him with a drumstick, he would still be probably making faces at the title of the song.

  
"Can't I just be smiling just because I'm happy?" he said in annoyance, "What, do I have to file a _permission letter_ for that?"

  
Toru doesn't know if permission letters actually _exist_ but he'll bet a thousand yen that neither Alex-senpai knows.

  
"You're smiling because you're _happy_ because you got _laid_ ," Toru feels like he's been talking to a wall— _heck, it's probably better to talk to a wall because at least, it won't talk and make him want to commit murder_ —, "so, who's the girl? Did you finally moved on about your fling with Mori-chan?"

  
_That wasn't a fling,_ he irritatedly thought. He won't spent sleepless night, won't crave for affection and physical contact and acceptance, he won't practically beg Taka to not leave him, he won't spend almost a year of pining, of playing a tiring game of pride just because of a _stupid fling._

  
What he and Taka has is something more— _much, much more than that._

  
"But if that's true then you're kinda shit, you know?" Alex-senpai solemnly shook his head, "I really thought that you would end up together. Even if you're always going at each other's throat these past few months, I really hoped that you two would reconcile..."

  
He said nothing and decided to just glare at the now familiar white-washed walls of his upperclassman's unit. He's having an internal debate whether to tell the senior on the latest development in his life. _But he's not my father!_ His brain said but then again, Alex-senoai acted as the bridge, the _painful slap and shove_ that Toru apparently needed to make a damn move back then. If it wasn't for Alex-senpai's unwanted comments and wise—tho unappreciated—advices then Toru...

  
Toru is still probably telling himself that he's _homo-janai._

While wanting to kiss and hump into Taka.

  
Huh...

  
"But you did experienced a lot of shit-storm because of your affairs and then Mori-chan had this genius, very untimely idea of getting a girl around..." he shrugged and offering him a _sympathetic_ smile that Toru instantly oh-so wanted to punch away, "So maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's nice that you finally had someone to screw around, ne?"

  
He glared at the lead guitarist.

  
"Okay, okay, let's not talk about the girl!" the older finally conceded, "Just tell me what happened after the AX live! Tomo said that you went out with the people from Amuse dorm?! How dare you to not call me!"

  
Toru smirks at that. Totally confused on why the hell would he even need to call this idiot? To _what_? Let him have the chance to break into the toilet and caught him and Taka doing nasty stuffs again? _Hell no._

  
"Oh damn that smirk, you!" the guitarist dramatically pulled onto his hair, "You obviously had a good time while me and Tomo and Ryota were—,"

  
"Oh, we really _did_ had a good time," Toru nodded, a satisfied, sly grin on his lips as he thought of the events—the confrontation, thr suffocation sexual tension, the confessions, the tensed ride back home, the _awkward_ making out, the _awkward_ fucking, and everything in between—that happened that night, " _Taka and I.._." he uncharacteristically smacked his lips, "...we had a _blast_."

  
"—eating ramens until we almost...puke...them...out..."

  
Alex-senpai slowly went still, Toru can even hear the gears of his ever-perceptive mind working on the words that he stupidly slipped off, and when his eyes widened, Toru immediately realized that _fuck fuckshit shitfuck I messed up—_

  
"Oh," Alex-senpai breathlessly gasped before he awkwardly chuckled, "oh ho ho ho—!"

  
"Don't even start—,"

  
...

  
...

  
...

  
There was silence. A long peaceful silence while Toru is glaring holes on the damn tatami floor. _Holy crap,_ Taka would kill him. Even if he didn't directly said it to the lead guitarist, Taka would still blame him and his dumb, dumb mouth and there would be hell.

  
"O-oh my god—!" Alex-senpai abruptly stood up and dashed towards the door, "Please excuse me for a moment," he hurriedly said, making Toru pale because _what's that idiot planning to do now?!_ Can't he just stay here and be accepting and solemn and happy and quiet because if Taka knows this, he will be—

  
"AHHHHH!!!!"

  
He jumped on his spot on the floor when Alex-senpai suddenly bellowed outside, what is it now?!

  
He was tempted to sneak out and see whatever the hell the lead guitarist is trying to do but he's scared that me might just end up _pushing_ the bastard from the balcony, so he just stayed, sitting on his spot on the floor and waited.

  
"My kouhai finally did it!!!" he screamed, making Toru's eyes almost popped out of their sockets, "HE'S NOT A FUCKING VIRGIN ANYMORE!!!"

  
...

  
...

  
_Oh_.

  
So there's Alex-senpai and he's casually telling the whole world that Toru just got laid. _Wow_. That _was_...

  
Toru clenched his jaws as his blood sizzled within his veins and _oh_ , how he would love to stalk there and _actually push_ the man off the railings, the man who's telling random students who's passing buy that he would buy them drinks next time because he's just too damn happy that he's precious—Toru fought the urge to vomit on his guitar—kouhai has finally reached _adulthood_ because he had fucked somebody and Toru was pretty sure that he can hear girly gigglings and boys whistling and—

  
_Fuck, fuck, you're so gonna be dead, Alex-senpai!_ And Toru would revive him just to kill him, over and over again until he feels that the humiliation of being affiliated with this...this bloody _maniac_ has been overwritten by blood— _Alex-senpai's blood to be specific_ —but then his damn phone rings and it displays Taka's name and... _and_...

  
Naturally he calmed down. A _little_ , because he's still heaving and his shaking fingers are gripping the flip phone too tight that it might actually snap into two. But still, he's calmer. By one percent because all hell would _really_ break loose if Taka knows that Alex-senpai is screaming their affairs for all the Tokyo to hear.

  
He flipped the phone open and stared at the ajar door, watching for the lead guitarist's figure. He's gonna throw the canned beer the moment he sees that damn half-American.

  
"Hello?"

  
"Do you want a blowjob, Toru-san?"

  
...

  
...

  
...

  
Toru doubled over, almost dropping the phone as he grabbed the edge of the low table to keep himself from just falling over and smashing his head onto the hard corners. What the fuck?

  
_What the actual fuck?_ Where does that question even came from? Where the hell is Taka?! And he didn't even say hello nor hi to Toru, like any decent human being does before initiating a conversation through a phone. He just fired his question right away, without any preamble, and it goes straight right to Toru's _heads_.

  
Yes.

  
_Plural_.

  
"What the fuck," Toru said through clenched teeth, because the world is probably testing his patience. He'd better have an _award_ for a the sufferings he's experiencing today or else, _someone's gonna die,_ he grimly thought. "Are you _high_ , Taka? Where the hell are you?"

  
Toru can hear the drones of vehicles and engine in the background, and oh—well, would you look at that—the sound of footsteps. Toru gaped in horror, dread and the feeling that he's most certainly _fucked_ creeping into his system like a fucking disease as he watched Alex-senpai sauntered into his unit, hand clenching on his stomach, teary eyes glinting and mouth strewn wide with a slightly maniacal grin.

  
Fucking. _Hell_.

  
"I'm on my way home," Taka said so Toru had a reason to focus on the conversation again, but his eyes never left the form of their lead guitarist as if he's scared that the older would just _jump_ him or say something crazy.

The later is the _worse_.

"We had this night out with an indie band ans they were talking how good a blowjob feels like—,"

  
There was a loud honk in the background.

The driver's probably pissed off that Taka is casually throwing that word around. Well, Toru would be, _too_. But just imagining Taka's _"kindly fuck off!"_ face he's definitely giving to the driver makes his heart swell a bit on adoration...

  
_Ewww_...

  
Anyways.

  
"Are you fucking high?" he repeated the question just because _he can_ , "You're in a public place and you're talking about _suc_ —I mean, uh," he warily glanced at the lead guitarist who's suddenly busying himself with arranging the mess of food wrappers and empty cans on the table. Toru narrowed his eyes at that pathetic attempt to disguise his eavesdropping. "...about eating stuffs?! Do you have _no shame_?"

  
"Well, you were _shamelessly_ ogling me every damn chance you've got and did you hear me complaining?"

  
Toru stopped himself from saying, _Fair enough._

  
"But this is  _different_ ," he said instead, patience quickly leaving him the way his interest in studying does back in high school, "You're not supposed to say that in public! We've still got an _image_ to protect!"

  
He hates how Alex-senpai perked up and subtly scooted a bit closer to him. _Naturally_ , Toru kicked him under the table.

  
"Ow!" the lead guitarist hissed but backed off nonetheless.

  
"Psssh, we're not _idols_ ," Taka said, "We don't have to keep a pretty, nice, and perfect images, Toru-san. Besides, we'll obviously suck at that, especially you and Ryota's _non-existent acting skills—,"_

  
He really shouldn't feel insulted at that but he still did. Because Taka is either making him horny, love, and insulted all the time. But not at the same time. Like _today_.

  
"But anyways, those guys told me that it was awesome but what do I know? It's not like I've experienced it with my previous relationships."

  
Toru knows where this conversation is heading to but he don't want to jump into any conclusion even if his _dick_ is already _jumping_ at the idea of having Taka suck his—

  
"Do you get what I'm saying, Toru-san?" Taka asked and Toru can practically hear the stupid grin on his voice. He can vividly imagine Taka smiling wide and hopefully at him, all white teeth showing, batting his eyes in his best attempt at _seduction_ and wiggling his eyebrows up and down like the suggestive shitty fucker he is, "Do you?"

  
"No."

  
Toru deadpanned because that's the only word that came out of his mouth. His mind suddenly got busy on having images of Takahiro sinking on his knees, holding his member— _hot and heavy on his feminine hand_ —making Toru shiver at the contact of his heated, rigid flesh against Taka's soft, smooth hand. The vocalist would then look uo at him and Toru's heavily lidded eyes would peer down on those lips—so red, so full, so generous it _could actually fit all of him—_

  
Then his eyes met the curious ones of his former upperclassman and his wild, _wild_ imaginations instantly flee. He paled and shook because he totally forgot that Alex-senpai is still...well, existing and that he's just sporting a _massive_ boner—which is _thankfully_ hidden under the low table.

  
God bless the inventors of table for hiding my hard on from this _lecherous_ motherfucker.

  
_Fuck fuck abort mission, abort mission! I repeat, abort mission!_ He's inwardly glaring at his crotch but the tent won't go down and Taka chuckling in the background doesn't help his situation at all. He's pissed and aching and horny that he wants to shut the vocalist up.

  
With a kiss.

  
Or with his _dick_.

  
He groaned and ducked his head onto the table, the cold surface is like a soothing balm on his heated cheeks. And there's also his cigarette box digging on his ear but yeah. He prefers this rather than being stared at by Alex-senpai.

  
_Hnggg_...

  
"Oh, of course you _do_ , you _hentai gachapin_ ," Taka said with so much conviction and Toru's brain couldn't even form a coherent response against it, "Let's do it. Can you imagine it?"

  
Toru glared at his crotch. Oh, he could imagine it _alright_. But he's not gonna admit it to Taka, not in front of Alex-senpai who's poking him with a wafer stick.

  
"No, and you're not gonna do it," he said, deciding that he really should just end the conversation and save his ass from further humiliating himself, so he added, "Well, if you can sing the English parts of Living Dolls without forgetting the lyrics, then I might reconsider."

  
"Fuck you!" Taka made an indignant yell before sputtering excuses, "Then _you_ do the singing! It's hard enough to memorize it, you bastard! You probably just wrote it to make me suffer!"

  
Toru put the phone away from his ears. He can still hear Taka rambling how English is like being a huge torture on him, and that everyone mistakes him for being fluent at it when all he really do was to just memorize the lyrics _blah blah blah_ but what the heck? _Why is he even blaming me?_ He's not just the one who made the lyrics for the song, dammit!

  
_That's one shit you gotta live it by being together with Taka,_ his mind—who was absent and busy making up lewd images just a few seconds ago—suddenly said. _Tyranny and his bitchy mood swings, you'll have to take them all._

  
Toru sighs, because he's mind is surprisingly making sense. _Of course_ he would—all the ugly, dark and insufferable sides of Taka, he'll take them all, like how he would on his kind, generous, caring and doting side.

  
They all makes Taka _Taka_ afterall.

  
"Whatever," he finally said, "Do that first and we'll talk," and by talk he means, _fuck_ , before he ended the call, stopping Taka's rather _flowery_ chain of cusses directed to him. He tiredly looked at the phone before slowly, warily looking up.

  
Only to find Alex-senpai looking at him with expectant eyes, lips curling _slyly_.

  
"I want _all_ the details, Toru," the older said, making him gulp in nervousness and the urge to just run away because he's in no mood, and _physical state_ to tell how they managed to make up, fight, and fuck after the AX show. But Alex-senpai looks like he's ready to chain him down or blackmail him or to do anything dire just to keep him there and...to make him talk. Toru grimly nodded and grabbed his guitar for support. And for a choice of weapon if the lead guitarist dared to cross a line.

  
"Good...but before that," he cocked his head, "What was Mori-chan asking about?" he asked, feigning innocence. Toru doesn't really have to answer. He was actually itching to ask on _how did you even know that it was Taka who called, you eavesdropping piece of shit you—_

  
"Toru?"

  
"Popsicle."

  
Alex-senpai blinked owlishly at him. Toru blinked back with equal confusion. Of all the fucking words, did he just said—

  
" _Popsicle_?"

  
"Taka has been...been..." Toru trailed off, and Alex-senpai would be dumb as a fucking brick if he would believe Toru's lie—because he sucks at lying, just as he sucks on acting—and he might smack the older at the back of his head for that. "He's been bugging me to allow him to eat a popsicle but...but I won't budge coz it'll be bad for his throat?"

  
Damn, does he really need to make it sound like a question?

  
Alex-senpai looks unconvinced but he didn't said anything.

  
And oh, there's this knowing, perverted and annoyingly smug smile on his face.

  
_Fuuuuuuuuuck_.

  
And Toru doesn't know what's _worse_ between the two.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think~! Thank you for reading!


	60. Konzatsu Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s like you!  
> Here I am!  
> It’s been since 1988!  
> I’ve been taking this way all the time  
> Taking this way again and again!  
> We got everything to take off now  
> You’re thinking the same way"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another meaningless chapter~! I think I've said before that DREAMERS could end at around 250, 000 words..but then I saw the word count and gaaaaah
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. I know shit about getting a driver's license in Japan so please forgive, and better, enlighten me~

“It’s _time_.”

Everyone stopped what they have been doing on the floor of the studio when Gocchan appeared with a grim look on his face. Taka looked up, the spoonful of _wasabi_ stopping its motion towards Tomoya’s tightly clamped mouth. Toru-san and Alex were holding the struggling drummer down on the polished wooden floor, while Ryota is shaking in the background and telling everyone to _stop bullying Tomo-kun because Gocchan would be mad_ if he caught them wasting their rehearsal time away in childish games.

Like _this._

“What the fuck,” Taka muttered and glared at the quivering bassist, “Look what you’ve done, Ryota! You jinxed us! Gocchan actually came!”

“How is that my fault?!”

“Maybe you could’ve shut up and helped us here,” Toru-san growled, as he wrestled the poor whimpering drummer once more.

“Maybe Ryota has some ESP or something?” Alex asked. Everyone looked at him for a moment, before focusing on the manager without saying anything.

“What is it, Gocchan—,”

“Don’t just ignore me, mou!” the lead guitarist whined, flailing his hands into the air and giving Tomoya the perfect chance to roll away from his captors—, “Gah!!!”

“Look at what you’ve done, Alex-senpai!” Toru-san snapped in disappointment, as he tried to go after the drummer, but Tomoya is already far away—cowering in the corner of the room with both of his drumsticks in his hand, wielding them like fatal weapons.

“Gaaah!!!” Taka screeched too because the spoonful of wasabi almost hit his eyes when the poor drummer rolled away, “You could’ve blinded me, Tomoyaaa!”

“ _It’s time_ ,” the manager repeated with a blank look on his face. Taka knows that look. Gocchan always have that impassive, _totally-fed-up_ look on his face whenever he’s contemplating on getting into a relationship or something. They’re manager is a tough one, and a very _capable_ man. Once they went to a barbecue and the man did all the preparations from shopping for the ingredients, putting the equipment into the van and setting it up on a river bank—even the grilling! The band was so awed that they just…tumbled out of the van like excited, giggling spoiled children.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand.

“Time for what, Gocchan?” he asked as he put the wasabi back into the plate. He’ll keep it for another time. Like, after this impromptu meeting with their manager. Tomoya’d better get ready because his mouth would definitely _explode—_

“It’s time for you to get your driver’s licenses,” he stated, making everyone eyed him as if he just grew three more pairs of head. No one spoke for a moment, well, until Ryota screeched out in disbelief.

“Driver’s license?!” he asked in a high-pitched, completely excited voice.

“Hai, Ryota,” the manager nodded, “That’s what I just said.”

“Eh, _matte matte,_ ” Taka asked, not really liking the direction of this conversation, “Why do we have to get license? I mean, you’re already driving us to the venues, right?”

“Taka, my _dear awesome yet so stupid boy_ —,”

“Pfffft!!!”

“Hey!”

“—your shows are getting bigger and reaching farther as you make your name in the local music scene, and driving— _while_ listening to your shitty banters and nonsense conversations and actual fist-fighting inside the van—while I desperately _try to keep all of us alive_ until we reach our destination is,” the manager gritted his teeth in pure agony, and for a moment, everyone took pity on him, “…terribly exhausting. So, I would really appreciate if anyone—or better yet— _every one of you_ is getting a driver’s license, especially for the upcoming tour, hmmm?”

“I think that’s _bullshit_ ,” Taka deadpanned, earning a surprised gasp for everyone. He dramatically eyed their equally dramatic manager, “You just want to get rid of us! You’re not happy driving us around anymore! How dare you abandon your children like that, Gocchan!”

“You. Are. _Not._ My. Kids—,”

"You're too young to be our father!" Taka bellowed like fuck, making his band mates snicker like _snickering assholes_ in the background, before he realized something important that no one really paid attention to, "How old are you anyways, Gocchan?"

The manager looks like he's ready to just maul the vocalist over. Which is not good because that would mean delays to their upcoming release of album and the tour and who will do the silly promotions over the radio? _Taka_. So said Taka subtly inched his ass backwards, towards Toru-san because somehow, he _believes_ that the guitarist could save him and fight for him if the situation gets a bit offhanded.

But then his sliding ass on the floor felt, bumped onto…something warm and hard and _bulging._

He stopped moving, and glanced over his shoulder, to see Toru-san's horrified, pale as ash face. _God-fucking-dammit, can't you keep your immense horniness out of the studio, you fucking dick?!_

Taka wryly smile before he focused his attention towards their still fuming manager. And because he's _also_ a horny dick, he subtly pushed his butt a bit—against Toru-san's straining front.

There's a soft, rough grunt behind him.

_But let's not_ dwell on the fact that they're on the prelude of having exhibitionist sex in front of everyone here in the studio _, let's actually focus_ on Gocchan's face. Livid and murderous and his saintly patience is probably the only thing that's keeping him from attacking everyone and committing mass murder against his sinfully, painfully annoying pseudo-kids.

"I'm still young," the man said each syllables with so much intensity Taka thought that his teeth would snap or something, "And besides, you can't really say no. I already filed your papers for a scheduled exam—,"

"Traitor!!!" Taka and Toru-san said in unison, while Ryota just bounced excitedly on his spot, muttering how this would be fun. Fun, huh? Taka decided that it's time to pull the drama queen— _I mean, king, drama king, goddammit, gaaaaaaah!_ —act and bully the manager through over-emotional dialogues.

"How can you do this to me, Gocchan?!" he gasped out loud. And probably too dramatic because Toru-san is now eyeing him in worry, "You know that there would be exams in there! Fucking written exams and you know I hate it just as much as I hated Alex's alien conspiracy shits!"

"Hey!" Alex complained, "They're not shits—,"

Gocchan let out an equally dramatic and exasperated sigh, "Taka, you know that the written exams are really easy. Just use your common sense and—,"

"He doesn't have any common sense— _oof_!" Toru-san was knocked out, flat on his back, when Taka decided to elbow him on his guts for actually telling him out like that. _How dare you?! We're lovers, you fucker—shit, that rhymes—how dare you to tell everyone that I don't have common sense?!_

"It's funny hearing that from a walking brick like you, Toru-san!" he snapped but then the guitarist was so competitive as fuck because he avenged himself by kicking Taka on his back, almost sending him face-flat on the polished wooden floor.

"Fucking—," he started to growl, and Toru-san started to growl, and Ryota is starting to panic a little because there's exam and he's obviously not the brightest Crayola in the pack, just like Taka—which is good because they _could double-team_ Gocchan and bully him with child-like eyes and puffy pouts and a shit-ton of blackmailing. And who could even say no to a sweet, gentle, and always peace-loving Ryota?

"Hai, hai, stop kicking and pushing," Gocchan tiredly said, "See, Taka, the written exam would be easy, you should worry more about the practical test—,"

"But, Gocchan!" he whined, voice high-pitched that Alex had to scramble away at the sheer intensity of it, "I have failed a shit-ton of exams! I dropped from high school because of that and now you're asking me to take another crappy exam just to what, drive these idiots around?!" he gestured for everyone who's eyeing him, their stares likely saying the same thing, _"but you're the idiot in here, Taka/Mori-chan/Takahiro."_

He ignored them.

"No, hell no! I won't take another exam in my life!" he crossed his arms and puffed out his lips in a completely-sulking-five-year-old-look, " _Never!!!_ "

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"I passed the exam," Taka blankly said as he stared at the paper he just pulled out from the envelope that came this morning. A week has passed since that ever-dramatic moment where Gocchan literally blow up into pieces, making Taka and everyone else scrambles out of the studio and run like maniacs in the streets in fear of their life. He had never seen the manager so angry like that, so the band decided that it's better to concede and give Gocchan what he wants, even if some of them are doomed to fail right from the start.

And Taka was actually expecting that he's one of those _"some",_ together with Ryota but, would you look at that—he passed the written exam. He stole a glance towards the bassist—who's dancing around with the drummer—merrily. So. Even Ryota had passed it. What the heck, is this some kind of joke?! Maybe the exam is rigged. Maybe the _exam_ is a joke.

"Well, good for you," Gocchan patted his head like how a father would when his son accomplished something worth being proud of. Naturally, Taka shrugged the hand off and glared at the manager.

"This is just a fluke!" he started, "I can't pass an exam!"

"But you just _did,_ " Toru-san helpfully said, and he looks like he's about to say something else but Taka glared at the rhythm guitarist, effectively shutting him up.

"Don't worry, Takahiro," Tomoya beamed at him, with a nodding Ryota in tow. The duo looks so fucking energetic and bright that Taka had to actually wince in pain when he turned towards the drummer, "They say that most of the examinees fail their first time doing the practical exam!"

He heard Alex guffawing in laughter in his spot on the long couch, while fiddling with his electric guitar.

"And..?" he slowly asked.

Tomoya grinned even brighter—if that's even possible.

"I'm sure you're gonna fail it— _ack!_ "

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The days of the practical exam came. It was Alex who tried it first, and since he's been practicing like hell with his pseudo-girlfriends' car, he passed it with flying colors. Next was Ryota who was excited and bouncing like a ball on his way towards the exam venue, but the moment he slid into the car, he started shaking like a damn kid. He then run out of the car, pleading to Gocchan that he's too young and not ready and that he'll just take the exam next time so _please please don't make me go in there waaaah—_

And _no one_ could say no to a crying, shaking bassist.

Even if it's Gocchan—heck, especially if it's Gocchan. Taka watched as the manager comforted the totally devastated bassist, debating if he's willing to go that _low_ and just bawl over, maybe throw a tantrum on the goddamned floor for more dramatic effects, just to escape this shitty predicament.

Huh. But that would be too embarrassing. And Toru-san would never let me off for that for weeks.

So, no.

Taka is a rock band vocalist. And he'll do this, even if he's obviously doomed to fucked it up right from the start.

The third one to take the exam was Tomoya. And there's this odd shit that the next taker could ride on the backseat for more experience, so Toru-san went into the car too. Dammit. Just as he thought that they could have a short time together—with just the two of them!

So, yeah, the drummer passed the shit with ease. With Toru-san saying how crappy Tomoya's acting skills are. Taka was confused because he thought that this is a practical exam for a driver's license. Not a fucking audition for a theater show at Broadway. But then the guitarist said that Tomoya is over reacting while checking his side mirrors, rearview mirrors, seatbelt and while closing the goddamned door. And he's smiling too wide at the examiner too. So he passed the exam, because _apparently,_ he can be a responsible adult when he's not constantly laughing like a shrieking five-year-old girl.

"I bet you're just feeling inferior to him, Toru-san," Taka shrugged, in a pathetic attempt to look cool even if he's sweating fucking bricks already because of the nerves. "I mean, Tomoya passed the exam, and if our mighty leader won't, then it'll suck like fuck, right?"

"At least he won't suck like _you do_ , Mori-chan," Alex flippantly said, "I bet you won't even make it out of the parking slot."

"That's," Ryota sniffled, "That's harsh, Alex-senpai..."

_Ah, Ryota, you gentle, kind soul—_

"But I'll bet on that too. Mori-chan would probably crash the car the moment he puts it into drive."

Taka gritted his teeth.

"I second the motion~!" Tomoya raised his hand into the air.

"I will fucking punch the three of you—," Taka started, but Gocchan immediately stopped him.

"No fighting," he said, " _Behave,_ boys."

And if it's not for the look on his face that says he already had reached the _critical threshold_ of bullshit in his life, Taka won't hesitate to throttle his three little idiots to death.

"Yeah, behave, Taka," Toru-san said, "Come on, you will have a better chance of passing if you watch the other examinees before your turn."

Taka blankly stared at the guitarist. He's itching to say that he doesn’t really care if he will have a better chance or something. He doesn’t want to have a license in the first place, remember?! But he was more concerned with Toru-san's offer.

"Uh, no," he shook his head, "No offense, Toru-san but do you want the both of us die in a single crash?"

The floored-out look on the guitarist's face told Taka that he did a pretty good job at offending him.

"Who says we're gonna be crashing?"

"My instincts," he deadpanned. Toru-san grunted before pulling this argue-back-and-you're-dead face.

"What-the-fuck-ever," he said as he grabbed Taka's arm when the vocalist instantly realized that he should be running away for his goddamned life right now, "You're coming with me."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

" _Eyes on the goddamned road!!!_ " Taka shrieked in the background when Toru briefly glanced at his lover on the rearview mirror. He's feeling confident that he could pass this practical exam with ease—because he's been practicing with Tomoya in the past few days, unlike a certain vocalist who was so keen on failing the exam—but with a screaming, panicking Taka in the backseat, he's starting to doubt that.

Toru was calmly maneuvering the car but Taka is too high strung, his nerves probably doing the thinking for him and making him cling to the back of the driver seat for his dear life. The examiner looks between totally amused and totally annoyed, and Toru had to nervously smile at him.

"Please just ignore him," he awkwardly said, "He's just—,"

"OH MY GOD, TORU-SAN, STOP TALKING AND FUCKING DRIVE!!!" the vocalist screamed once more, making the guitarist focused on the asphalt road, gritting his teeth as he gripped the wheels a bit too tight, " _DON'T FLIRT AND DRIVE, YOU ASSHOLE!!!"_

The examiner cocked an eyebrow at that.

Toru started to sweat like crazy.

_I hope that this won't affect my score because if it did_ , he glared at the road across the windshield, _I will strangle Taka. And not in a sexual manner. Wait, is he even interested in those kinds of—_

Images of Taka on the sheets, hands bound up above his head, eyes squeezed tight and lips mouthing his name, _Please, Toru-san, harder, harder, moooore—_

The car swerved and Taka was yelling bloody murder behind them.

"Don't drive like a maniac!"

"I know—," he said through clenched teeth, "—what I'm doing!"

"You're about to crash us to a fucking cone!" Taka cried, blunt nails digging on the leather upholstery, "Turn you idiot!" he was screaming on his ears, "Turn!!!"

The examiner breath through his nose amidst the chaos inside the car. Toru doesn't know if it's a good sign or a sign that he needs to kick the vocalist out of the car.

"If you would just shut up—,"

"I DON'T WANNA DIE—!!!"

_Now, now,_ Toru really loves and adores and practically _worships_ Taka's voice but not if it's just centimeters away from his ear—loud and booming—and threatening to shatter his eardrums any moment from now.

"Stop back-seat driving or I'll crash this goddamned car on that bridge!" he snapped, followed by a short silence, before the vocalist started screeching again. Heck, even the examiner looks a bit panicked at his sudden outburst.

Uh-oh.

"You have gone _insane!_ " Taka declared from the back, "There's no fucking bridge over there, Toru-san!"

"Then I'll make one so that I can crash this shit and be freed from your goddamned, unnecessary backseat comments, you fucking shit!"

Toru's face almost banged on the windshield when Taka, his _oh-so beloved tyrant-spoiled son of a bitch_ lover, landed a kick on the back of his seat. The examiner yelled in shock, while Taka just kicked and kicked, totally sending the car swerving like fuck on the road.

"You don't call me like that, you fucker! Gaaah, I hope you fuck up this exam too, you shitty Gachapin, _mo_ u!!!"

Must not kill.

Must not abandon the wheel, turn around and grab Taka to toss him out of the car.

_Must not kill._

_Must not kill Takahiro._

Toru steeled his resolve and get back his bearings, his breath coming out in ragged huffs as he tried to focus on driving, with a homicidal vocalist in the back, and a very displeased examiner beside him.

_But if I fail this shit, I will fucking smack him four thousand six hundred times at the back of his head!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

For some unknown, and probably _miraculous_ reason, Toru passed the exam because he has the _"saintly patience that every driver in Japan should possess"_ , well, at least according to the examiner. Despite threatening that he would crash the car because of pure anger and pressure, he still magically passed it.

_Must be divine intervention_ , he thought in a daze. The adrenaline is still rushing into his blood and he would love to go home, drink a beer or two while eating greasy food and watching MVs but he still has to wait for Taka—

Taka who was casually walking towards them, with a slight pout on his face, his steps having this...weird bounce on them. Toru instantly knew that the vocalist failed, _I mean,_ look at that smug grin on his lips that's basically telling _"ha! Look at that, Gocchan! I told you, I'll fucking flunk it!"_

Which is what the vocalist actually said out loud the moment he reached them.

"Ha!" he said, putting his hands on either sides of his hips, "Look at that Gocchan! I told you, I'll fucking flunk it!"

Toru shivered. _It's scary_ how they're thoughts are getting synchronized as they spent more fucking fantastic time together these days. And there's also the _fantastic fucking_ —

"You didn't even try, you evil—," the manager started but Taka is already defending himself.

"I _did_ try!" he hollered, "But I couldn't make it out of the parking slot—,"

" _Yosha!!!"_ the three idiots cheered and clapped their hands in the background, "We knew it!"

"—and I completely forgot what to do. It sucks but," he shrugged, not sounding completely disappointed at all, "That's how life is. I failed, and I gotta move on."

Gocchan slapped a palm on his face in defeat. Toru felt a bit of sympathy for their manager. And he also felt this urge to punch Taka on his smug, grinning face.

_Move on, my ass!_

"That's so inspirational, Mori-chan!" Ryota said, eyes glistening, making the vocalist's smile grew even wider. Toru also want to punch this naive little kid.

"Deshou?!" he grinned and stand beside Toru, "Besides, I think I'm not really cut for driving. I have zero concentration skills, and I'll probably just...you know, commit crimes when someone would cut me."

"You have a point there, Takahiro," Tomoya nodded because he sure knows how easily Taka could snap and turn into a sadistic bastard from being a coddling, mother-figure, "And we wouldn't want to bail you out of the jail just because you scream your lungs out to some pure soul out in the road."

Taka smiled a bit too widely at the drummer, "I don't know if I should be flattered or insulted by that, Tomoya..."

"Please be flattered, _please be flattered..."_

Toru sighed and shoved his hands into the pocket of his jeans. It's getting late, the sun almost disappearing from the Tokyo skyline and the center is already preparing to close. They really should be on their way home now, or towards Taka's unit to eat some dinner before rehearsing a few more songs, but everyone is just there, standing and laughing and snickering without a care in the world—as if they have all the time in the world and Toru decided that leaving could wait for a bit longer—just to preserve this peace, this small moment of light-conversations and jokes about Toru driving Taka to his future dates or something.

_What._

He blinked out of his stupor when he realized that the idiots are talking about him being the vocalist’s chauffeur in the future.

_What the hell?_

"Oh, Toru-san _could_ do that," Taka was saying beside him, "And I could just _you know_ , be his passenger and do other _worth-while_ things while he drives. Isn't it _perfect?_ " he asked, but not without throwing Toru a very suggestive side-glance, the corner of his full lips tugging upwards in a very conspiratorial smirk.

Screw everything that Taka did to make his day a living hell, because he can already imagine Taka doing _worth-while_ things in the car. With Toru. _To Toru._ While they're in the car, in the middle of god-knows-where.

Oh.

_Ohhhh._

His lips twisted in his trademark lazy, lopsided smirk as he agreed, "Right. You don't have to learn to drive anymore," he said as his eyes became hooded, "I can do the driving forever and you do your... _your stuffs._ That's _perfect_ alright."

Taka obviously got his point, which is a _miracle_ by the way considering how dumb they both are.

Taka smiled up at him, almond-eyes glistening in _mischief._

Toru smirked down, eyes promising something perverted for the night, completely ignoring the _retching_ sounds Alex-senpai is making in the background.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The barbecue shit about Gocchan is based from [here](http://notasketeanymore.tumblr.com/post/121518031146/egasani-amaya-kuroi-about-the-bands)  
> Feedbacks are always well-appreciated! Thank you for reading~!


	61. NOTHING HELPS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We won't stop right now  
> We did it on our own  
> Nobody else  
> It's because of you  
> We finally came this far  
> And on and on another song to write the wrongs that I  
> Tell me who else?  
> It thanks to all of you that I could find my own way"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shitty chapter~
> 
> The Kanjou Effect era will be toooo hard to write coz it's always overshadowed by the Alex-incident. But they've released the album in November 2008, and the incident happened in May (?) 2009 and it sucks coz there's a lot of time to cover. What should we do with those months? Let Toru and Taka fuck like crazy? Let's put someone else? Maybe they should try exploring shits. Hmmmm. What do you think?
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: ONE OK ROCK is not mine.

Taka breathed through his nose at the sight of their guitarist—standing just across his threshold.

_Kanjou Effect_ —their third studio album—was released just a few days ago and they’re now about to set for a new tour. Kanjou effect was derived from their desire to create songs with emotional music as foundation. He couldn’t really express it in words, it’s just that they wanted to make songs with melodious and easy to listen effect. Then they wanted to have a _“live-type”_ effect for Beam of Light and now, the lyrics are kinda heavier and more serious, and are greatly inspired by emo shits, that will make various sounds bloom from it—or so what he thought. It’s not really great _, the title I mean_ , and they just picked some random shits but _gaaaaaaah._

They have a serious time recording the remaining songs and it went surprisingly smoothly.

Probably because he and Toru-san finally made up and stopped putting the band out of balance. The two of them were finally deeply involved in the production. To Taka, it finally feels like they’ve finally became a _band._ They have the enthusiasm, new engineers, the flow of ideas also increased—the disputes as well, like Taka wanted to do something different, Alex would one another shit, and Toru couldn’t decide until he suddenly want something else— _it was maddening._ But amidst all those shits, Taka actually felt like he’s more of a proper band man this time—rather than a former idol who escaped the entertainment world to be in an indie band.

Suddenly, he felt like he’s Taka from ONE OK ROCK.

_ONE OK ROCK’s vocalist, Taka._

It sounds nice— _feels nice._

Tomoya’s passion grew steadily, Ryota is learning what groove is—again—and even if Alex was a huge pile of shit _most of the time_ , he’s still very enthusiastic about making new songs. Like Taka, he doesn’t have the patience to sit still and just practice their old songs over and over again. And most of all, they’re having bigger venues these days. It’s actually kinda nostalgic, the days when he saw Toru-san calling some live houses in the middle of the night. Those days were gone, the era of playing in small live houses is slowly fading away…it’s a good thing of course, but he couldn’t help but to feel a bit nostalgic about them.

_That’s where we started after all._

Anyways.

The release went well—too well, like it reached the 13th spot in the Oricon chart—a huge, fucking step from their last position for Beam of Light. It’s magical, and Alex even said something about the album being _“one giant leap for them”_ or something. It sounds straight from a science or astronomy book but the lead guitarist looks so floored when Gocchan told them the results that Taka blindly believed him.

For a second, he thought that Alex would give a tear-jerking speech about their growth and how wrong he is when he’s so adamant on not changing their sound engineers before— _hah!_ Taka wanted to say and laugh out loud at the half-American’s face, _look at that Alex! I told you that changing our engineers would be good for us!_ But then, the idiot opened his mouth and started babbling about doppelgangers and alien stuffs and—

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“I mean we have a song called Dopple— _Double—dop—,”_ the half-American furrowed his brows in confusion before turning to Ryota, “What’s it called again?”

Ryota shrugged, “Double Gang?”

Tomoya beamed up, “Double burger— _ack_!”

He wasn’t able to finish his lame shit because Toru-san has already smacked him at the back of his head. “It’s doppelganger, you idiot!”

“Then don’t make foreign titles, Toru-nii!” Ryota pouted in the background, “English is already too hard and now you’re adding German to it!”

Taka blankly stared at the bassist, “I’m _surprised_ that you know it’s German, Ryota.”

“I’m _also_ surprised that my guess is right, Mori-chan,” he sheepishly said.

“Anyways,” Alex cleared his throat because he probably decided that he’s been ignored enough, “So I was saying that we have this song called Doppelganger. Doesn’t it sound like…” his eyes grew wide, and he started to have this crazed, amazed look that he’s only sporting when he’s about to talk about—

“If you’re gonna say anything about _aliens_ ,” he said while looping the mic chord around his fist, “I’m gonna strangle you to death.”

He hopes that it’s scary enough but no, the fucker smiled sweetly down at him—like a warrior who’s about to run towards his inevitable death. Or like an drunk idiot who’s about to smash his face onto the cold, hard wall.

“Aliens—,” he said, and Taka was about to shot up and really strangle the man to death but Toru-san grabbed his shoulder and pushed him down on his spot again, whispering that it’ll be bad if they will lose their lead guitarist before the tour starts. And Taka thought that he’s right— _well, Toru-san is more often right than wrong_ —so he conceded and just…proceed on murdering the tall fucker in his mind.

“Yeah,” Tomoya nodded—probably because he also wants to get smacked again, and this time, Taka would make sure to him harder, “But what would you do if you’ll have a doppelganger?”

“This is ridiculous,” Taka muttered.

“Hmmm,” Alex crossed his arms over his chest, “I would make the other me to look at the sky forever. I mean, we never know when a UFO will show up, but I can’t get anything done while looking up at the sky by myself so I’ll have my double to do it!” he smiled, seemingly proud of his dumb logic.

“You…” Taka flailed his hand towards the dazed lead guitarist, “you actually believe that you’ll see a UFO if you look at the sky for an entire day...?”

“Yup!”

Taka blinked, totally taken aback by the half-American’s dedication and faith to his occult stuffs. Maa, as long as it’s not affecting their band— _yes, this is rich coming from Taka_ who almost made the leader quit the band just because of their shitty relationship, so fucking funny—then Taka decides that it’s cool. For now.

“Well,” Ryota suddenly said, even if no one is asking him, “I would make the other Ryota eat a lot of sweets!” he said, then frowned a second after, “Ehhhh, but that would make me gain some weight!”

Toru-san scoffed at his childhood friend’s suggestion, “Obviously.”

“Hai, that would be bad,” Ryota’s shoulders slumped. It took a few moments before he bounced back, and Taka could practically see the imaginary light bulb lighting up above his head, “Ah, okay then! I would just make him stay at home and learn so much English! Then he can go to the States and date a foreign girl!”

Everyone stare at the grinning bassist for a long moment. It was dead silent inside the studio, and Taka could only hear their breathings, the beep, beep of the equipment’s, and some munching behind him— _munching? What the hell?_

He glanced over his shoulder and caught Tomoya eating some wafer sticks. _Oh, you fucking—_

He reached forward and yanked the longer hair—ahh, my wafer would get crushed, Takahiro! —making the drummer screeched in pain with his eyes squeezed shut. And then Alex is already laughing out like the maniac he is the background, saying about how Ryota has this awesome priorities and ideas.

“It’s cool!” Alex said, wiping an imaginary tear from the corner of his eyes, “But I really can’t imagine you speaking straight English. I bet you’ll just stutter and make weird hand gestures! And in front of a girl?!”

Ryota smiled and blinked confusedly at the lead guitarist, before fidgeting and hugging his bass guitar, “Why do I feel that I should be insulted, Alex-senpai?”

Taka let go of the drummer’s hair to look at the bassist, “That’s because he’s insulting you, you idiot!”

“Eh!”

“ _Maa, maa_ ,” Tomoya rubbed his scalp, “I think it would be nice to have this ability to share our memories—,”

“No one’s asking you for your—,”

“—so that I could just play baseball,” Tomoya said, conveniently ignoring him, and he was really this close into throttling him but Toru-san’s magical hands appeared out of nowhere again, to push him back on his seat and prevent him from committing bloody murder, “and I would make him do the works and annoying stuffs. I can also probably leave him behind so that he could take Takahiro’s bullying?”

“ _Why can’t I just bully the two of you_ —,”

“Shut up, Taka,” Toru-san harshly squeezed his shoulder, before the guitarist smirked at their drummer, “That’s so cruel, Tomoya. You’ll gonna leave your other self to suffer? I didn’t know that you have a sadistic side too.”

Tomoya opened his mouth but Alex beaten him into speaking first, “ _Maa_ , probably because you’re so focus on Mori-chan’s sadistic side.”

Silence. The same one as before but this time, everyone is breathing in ragged puffs, like they’re waiting for something— _someone, actually_ —to blow up and fuck everything and everyone in its vicinity.

“ _Motherfu—_ ,”

“So what’s your plan for your double, Toru?” Tomoya grinned at the startled rhythm guitarist, in a pathetic attempt to distract Taka form just…blowing up. He blinked, the anger simmering down for a moment as he leaned towards the guitarist in curiosity. What would you do if you have a double?

Well, Taka could imagine two Toru-san kissing him.

Oh. My. _God._ Takahiro, you _kinky motherfucker._

_I could sue you for your lecherous mind, goddammit._

_…_

Well, Taka’s not sure if he can actually sue himself but gah, just the thought of Toru-san’s kisses raining down on him twice is so—

_Mffffgghhh._

“I would order the other me to watch our own show,” he blurted out to flush those indecent thoughts out of his mind. Everyone turned towards him, their faces obviously asking for more details and Taka felt like a teacher surrounded by a shit-ton of painfully stupid kids. Well…

_Time to be awesome with my words!_

“I mean,” he shrugged, “It’s impossible to watch our performance, right? I want to watch it, so that I could feel the hype in the mosh pit, see ourselves from the audience’ view, and experience the entire atmosphere everyone is enjoying, even just once—probably during the peak of our career or, well, after we’ve given up in playing music?”

Taka doesn’t know where that thought came from. Them, give up playing music? _Them_ —who has been through thick and thin, who were practically salivating on the opportunity to create more songs and perform in larger venues in the future? _Them_ —who has been dreaming and dreaming and slowly working towards their goals, one step at a time, give up the thing that’s currently the most important to them?

_What the fuck?_

The time that they’ll stop playing, the time that they’ll stop composing songs, the time that he’ll stop singing is still too far in the future. Heck, we still haven’t played in Tokyo Dome, _or to make it more realistic,_ to Budokan!

Everyone stared at him for a moment before letting out deep, deep sighs simultaneously—like the four fucking rehearsed it for _centuries._ Tomoya smiled at him before turning towards the guitarist—that soft, understanding smile making Taka’s heart clench a little because it’s Tomoya’s signature “older-brother” smile again.

_He really understands me the most._

“How about you, Toruge?”

Aside from Toru-san, of course.

“If I have a double, huh?” the guitarist scratched his chin in an attempt to make him look like he’s actually thinking of something sensible to say, “Maa, if Tomoya’s ability would be added, then I would make the other me to travel around the world while I’m here and doing my normal life with everybody else. The he would share his memories to me, all the enjoyable and painful things he had gotten in his travels when he gets back.”

Taka blinked up at the guitarist, thinking how stupid the younger teen is, for thinking about that.

“You could still live your normal life with us,” Taka said as he straightened his legs across him, ignoring how everyone is looking at him like he had grown five more arms, “While travelling around the world, Toru-san. _When_ we get bigger,” he stared at the guitarist’s face, almond-shaped eyes fiery with determination, and dreams— _young, vivid, aggressive dreams_ —, “We would have shows all around the world, and you won’t have to get a double to experience everything, okay?”

Toru-san arched a brow at him, his lips quirking into a small, smirk before he turned his attention to the white shiny, black electric guitar on his lap.

“Yeah,” he nodded in agreement, “ _When_ we get bigger.”

It wasn’t if—wasn’t “ _if_ we get bigger”—because Taka— _and he knows that Toru-san, as well_ —would make it a reality.

In the far future, though.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

—anyway, Toru-san is still standing there after just saying something that really irked him. Like:

“You’re still fat,” he said with an emotionless face.

Taka snarled at him, “Well, your hair is still shitty! And what’s with you bitching out about my weight? I’ve been into diet!” he said— _which is totally a lie but Toru-san doesn’t have to know that small detail_ —, “And you weren’t complaining when you we were fucking— _mphhmm_ —!”

A cold, calloused hand slapped on his mouth, with Toru-san pushing him inside his unit and slamming the door behind him. He even locked for god knows what reason, but he looks livid so it probably has got something about him screaming to the entire world that they’ve been fucking like hell in the past few days.

“Do you have no shame, Taka!” he asked before pulling his hand away. _Too bad,_ Taka’s mind whined, he could’ve _licked_ that and—

“Well, we wouldn’t be here if I have any ounce of shame, Toru-san,” he reminded and leaned back on the door, watching as the guitarist’s brows quirked in interest. “We wouldn’t be pawing at each other if I’m a pure, demure nerdy guy.”

“I wouldn’t even recruit you if you’re a fat, pure, and demure nerdy guy—,”

Taka grabbed the ma’s sweater to pull him close and snarl a bit closer to his face, just because he could, “I will kick your fucking balls, Toru-san,” he said through clenched teeth, which, the guitarist answered without even blinking.

“Suck my dick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lame ending wtf
> 
> -The shits about Kanjou Effect is mostly taken from [here](https://cure4thecommon.livejournal.com/219743.html) and [here](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29232913009/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-4). Translations are not mine.
> 
>  
> 
> -The part about their doubles was taken from [here](https://dnooriani.wordpress.com/2014/02/24/patipati-december-2008-doppelganger-related-qna/). I was actually in awe about Ryota's answer. Meet some foreign girl huuuuh.
> 
>  
> 
> Please tell me what you think of it~! Thanks for reading!


	62. Taking Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe this is how I like it　  
> Sink your teeth in  
> Give me what I want　  
> Love the way it hurts"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Life is good..."_
> 
> Nothing really happens in here. Just the two doing their usual shits.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Toru blinked.

He _wasn’t really thinking_ before he responded to the vocalist, and judging by the wide-eyed look on Taka’s face, he realized that he probably said something out of the context, inappropriate or just downright rude. Lewd. _What-the-fuck-ever._ Point is, he really should just back the fuck away, and run for his dear life because Taka would surely have grabbed him and—

His eyes comically widened— _even wider than his normal ones,_ so wide that they almost popped out of his sockets—when the vocalist’s hands suddenly latched on the sleeves of his shirt, making Toru shriek like a fucking girl—

“Gah!!!” he screamed, jumping on his feet in pure, unadulterated fear. Taka blinked up at him.

“What the fuck, Toru-san?” he asked, brow arching at his…suddenly bouncy moves, “I didn’t know that you could scream like a girl.”

“Well, probably because you’re always _busy_ moaning like a girl,” is what Toru wanted to say if he didn’t just _love his life or face._ He, instead, opted to just scowl at the vocalist, gulping hard when a lazy smirk slowly formed on those full, full lips.

“But anyways, _so_ ,” he said, eyes glinting in mischief as he pressed closer, pushing Toru on the door until his back was firmly planted on the hard surface, his breath hitching when Taka leaned up, blinking like a fucking doll just a few centimeters away from his own face. “You want me to suck your dick.”

He didn’t even say that as a question. He declared it so _casually_ that even the ever-perverted and constantly horny Yamashita Toru had to cringe at the bluntness of it.

“It’s just a sarcastic expression,” he said, the urge to punch Taka away getting stronger as the vocalist still blinks repeatedly up at him. It’s like he’s giving him the eyes— _the bedroom eyes_ —the seductive eyes which are not really recommended at this time because _duh_ , he’s here to fetch the vocalist, not to have an indecent tryst in his genkan, dammit!

_Alex-senpai would definitely kill us if we arrived late!_

He paused at that thought. _Nuh-uh, Alex-senpai won’t do that._ He’ll just probably laugh and smirk and wiggle his eyebrows suggestively like the suggestive motherfucker he is, but he’ll never bitch them out if they ever came late. _Gocchan would,_ he grimly thought and decided to focus on the matter at hand, _and he’ll definitely kick our ass if we do so—_

“Sarcastic expression, my ass,” Taka snorted, “So, you don’t want me to suck your dick?”

“ _No—Ye—No—Uh._ ”

“Very smart, Toru-san, you’re also speaking caveman now, huh?”

Toru attempted to swing his fist towards the vocalist’s smug because even if he loves Taka like fuck, he still has this sudden, occasional urges to just slap him. Twice. _On either cheek._ Just to make sure that he’ll get the lesson—but even before his hand could actually land on the older’s face, Taka is already _gone._

…

…

“Wha—,”

For a moment, Toru was blankly staring at the wall across him, where Taka is supposed to be standing but he was not there and for a second, he thought that Taka suddenly did some _magical ninja moves_ —which is weird and ridiculous because he’s not Tomoya nor Alex-senpai who believes in this shit but holy crap, Taka had actually vanished and—

And there’s this sudden warmth on his denim-cladded thighs and _oh._

He looked down to see that Taka had actually sunk on his knees, his hands gripping Toru’s thighs as he looked up at him with a wide, wide grin.

And oh, did he forgot to mention how close Taka’s face is to his crotch?

_Oh._

His crotch, which is now quickly forming a tent, because the sight of the vocalist on his knees, in front of Toru is already too much. And just by imagining the things they could do, _the things_ he could do to Taka and the things that _Taka’s mouth_ could do to him is…

_Is…_

Toru felt his throat and mouth and brain dried up at that. _Wow,_ is it just him or the air in the room got stuffier and hotter in that instant. He wanted to ask that aloud but then, Taka is smiling up at him, “Still don’t want me to suck you off, Toru-san, hmmm?”

“You little shit—!” he said through clenched teeth but still made no effort to shove the older teen off. His brain is saying something, like, well, they’re running late but his heart— _or more specifically, his dick_ —is saying something, screaming something.

_Nod._

_Say yes._

_It’s not good to say no to blessings, right?_

And the feeling inside Taka’s warm, warm mouth enclosed around his member is definitely a blessing from the heavens.

“You…” he swallowed, fingers clenching and unclenching on his sides, trying to decide whether he should just strangle the man, push him away or carded his fingers through that longer hair and pull his face closer until—

_Mppghhh._

Whoever thought that Taka is the biggest pervert in their band is clearly wrong. Like 700% wrong because here’s Toru— _the ever stoic, and seemingly calm leader_ —coming up with a thousand ways on how to get off at their current situation.

Breathe.

_You can do this. Deny him,_ the rational part of his mind said—which is a wonder, because he thought that rational part had burned up the moment Taka kneeled before him— _you can do this later, Gocchan will have your asses later if you get late, bastard._

So deny, he could do that. _Piece of cake, psssh._

“Do you even know how to give a head?” he asked instead, because his mind and body, apparently, are not on the same page. _Motherfucker._ Look at how Taka’s eyes widened, before turning into narrowed slits as he smiled even wider, all pearly white teeth and wet, full lips, as he took that dumb question as a victory.

“Oh,” Taka shrugged his shoulders off, “I’ve watched porns, Toru-san,” he said, making Toru groaned in defeat _. This was it._ Because of his stupid mouth, Taka is going to give him his first blow job. He threw his head back to lean on the wall and stare at the stupid ceiling as if it would give all the answers to his problems.

“I see…” he drawled, which, surprisingly, didn’t leave a bitter taste in his mouth. On the contrary, it feels nice because he’s probably nor even thinking of pushing Taka away since the beginning.

_God-fucking-dammit._

“Yes,” Taka said and proceeded on fumbling on his belt. Ahhhh, it’s really happening! He really doesn’t want to see how Taka get him naked waist-down, so he just somberly stared at the ceiling. But it doesn’t erase the feeling of those hands—soft and warm and slightly shaking, expertly removed his belt, zipped his pants down before it was aggressively tugged down, until it’s merely just a heap of fabric on his ankles.

The cold air was like a shock jolting him out of his shitty stupor, and that’s when he realized that he felt totally exposed like this.

But who wouldn’t?

With Taka blinking on the obvious bulge on his boxers—like he’s seeing something amazing and awe0strucking instead of eyeing Toru’s clothed member. Just a few centimeters away from his eyes.

_Oh._ And when did Toru even glanced down at the vocalist?

He couldn’t remember, not like he actually cares anymore, because Taka looks so cute, tilting his head—

“Whoah, looks impressive up close,” he said, loud and so casual—before suddenly grabbing it, squeezing the ever –living daylights out of his privates—

“Ah, fuck!” Toru immediately screamed and would have kneed Taka on his dumb face if the vocalist didn’t just proceed on tugging the waist band of his boxers and pulling it down, along with the jeans, “Do you want to shatter my balls, you dipshit?! I thought you know how to do this!”

“I do!” Taka said, eyes glinting in indignation, “Just don’t be bitchy, Toru-san! Shut up and let me suck you off!”

Toru wanted to say that the vocalist doesn’t have any right to order him around like that but all coherent thoughts jumped out of his mind the instant Taka’s hand gripped his _very proud, very erect_ member. He jumped at the touch, the contact of warm skin on his searing-hot length was too much that he actually groaned at loud, his whole body tensing because lo and behold, the tyrant king Moriuchi Takahiro is now on his knees and fondling Toru’s member like a fucking toy and—

_Hurry the fuck up, mou!_

But no, this is the first time that Taka had seen his member up close so the dumbfuck decided that it’s nice to just stare at it with wide-eyed astonishment, gingers gently curling around it, sliding, squeezing and eliciting this really…disturbing sounds from Toru’s parted mouth.

“You know, I’ve always seen this in porns,” Taka said, licking his lips in a nervous manner, “But I’ve never really thought of doing this but they said it’s good?” he glanced up at him, “Besides, I wanna see you from a different angle, Toru-san…”

_J-just stop talking mou!_

Toru can feel the cold sweat rolling off his temples as he clenched his hands into fists.

“I just hope that I won’t bite you off.”

He instantly panicked, because this is Taka’s first time into giving someone a head and the chances of getting his cock bitten is _staggeringly_ high—

“WHAT— _FUUUUU_ —,” Toru hissed when Taka suddenly leaned forward, without much ado and just…put his dick into his mouth.

…

…

…

Taka’s eyes grew wide, and for a moment, Toru feared that the vocalist would actually choke on his dick—which is ridiculous, no matter how nice and flattering it sounds—but then that generous, full lips opened wide tot take him in and…and…

_Fuckfuckfuckfuck—_

It took Toru the patience of Gandhi and Buddha to prevent himself form just coming into that tight, sweet heat like a goddamned virgin. This is...different when he’s thrusting into Taka—his member is surrounded, encased in that similar warm confines, yes, but this time, there’s that… _fucking tongue_ licking and gliding along his shaft—Toru tried closing his eyes, but stopped midway because he wanted to see Taka, wanted to see his face as he takes Toru in his mouth…just like that—

And then he felt that tongue swirling around as he took him deeper—inch by inch deeper—until he can’t move anymore. Then he suddenly pulled away—

“Don’t—,” Toru started to whine at the loss but then Taka is already doing his...stuffs, alternating between licking and sucking—fast and then suddenly slow, hard and painful and Toru was left defenseless, left panting and gasping because damn, this feels good, and damn he could totally come any moments from now—

But then Taka is already pulling away again and he don’t want that so his hand unconsciously— _really, Toru? Unconsciously?_ —reached out, threading his fingers through the black strands and pulled him closer, so close that his dick almost stabbed the vocalist on his eyes, the slicked skin sliding across the flustered cheeks and spreading pre-cum all over it.

Taka leaned away to glare up at him.

“You fucking—!” Taka started but he didn’t make any effort to stand up, which is a good sign, “I don’t want a very zoomed in view of your dick! Do you want to go blind or what!?”

“I don’t know,” Toru impatiently growled, “But can we just…argue after? I kinda need a hand here!”

“A mouth,” Taka smirked, wiping the cum off his face, “ _My mouth._ You need my mouth—,”

“Shut up or I’ll just shove it in you—,”

“I’ll bite you off, you fuc _mppph_ —,”

Toru had finally reached his limit. His dick is rock hard and after experiencing the wonders Taka’s mouth could do, he can’t wait to have it again— _as soon as possible_ —so he just cradled the man’s head, pushed his rod-stiff dick into that open mouth without any further ado—

He probably hit something at the back of Taka’s throat because tears instantly swelled at the corner of his eyes, before Toru felt a white, blinding pain surging up to his system—

“FUUUUUUCK!!!”

—when Taka _chomped_ on his dick.

…

…

…

He really couldn’t’ understand the events after that—he probably pulled his hips back, Taka gagging and muttering curses in the background as he slides on the floor, cradling and looking down at his member—trying to see if it’s still there or Taka had _swallowed half of it_ or something.

“Fuck you!” he growled in relief when he realized that it’s still there, _whole and still fully wanting attention and release_ and oh-so fucking aching, _hurts, hurts, I’m gonna strangle you to death, you motherfucker_ , “You could’ve bitten my dick off!”

Taka looked up from dry heaving, his eyes glassy and cheeks flushed in vibrant red, “Well, fuck you too! You could’ve shoved that dick down to my throat! I’m not a fucking pro to even do that— _that_ —,” Taka’s face mellowed into genuine confusion, “What was it called again?”

Toru scowled, the pain lessening into a dull one, but answered nonetheless, “Deep throat?”

Taka flashed him a blank stare, “…how do you even know that?”

“Well,” he shrugged, “I do _research,_ Taka.”

“Oh.”

“But still,” he glared at the vocalist, “What are we gonna do now? I’m still hard and it hurts! Take responsibility, mou!”

“Holy shit Toru-san!” Taka gasped as he crawled towards his spot behind the door, “I don’t know why everyone is telling me that I’m the bossy one, when you’re actually the tyrant here!”

_“Suck me off, you sucker!”_

“Hai, hai, no need to go batshit crazy!” Taka said as he paused between Toru’s legs—which automatically spreads even wider to accommodate the vocalist between them. Taka wasted no time to crouch, leaning on his elbows as he licked and licked—kitty licks— in apology, lapping at the slick skin like how a cat would on a bowl of milk— _and speaking of cat,_ Toru’s eyes went straight on Taka’s ass, which is raised high into the air, by the way, and decided that Taka should go and wear some neko costumes in the future while sucking his—

He groaned when Taka take him into his mouth again, teasing the swollen tip with his tongue and gently nipping at the sides. He wonders on where he learned this shit? Wonders if anyone would ever experience Taka’s mouth on them in the future?

“T-take,” he gasped, hands itching to grip that head again and pushed him even closer, “Take it all, Taka…”

Taka hummed, the vibrations coming from that slick, sinful mouth went straight to Toru’s brain, sizzling the desire in his veins even more, and making it more difficult to keep his hips still. His hand finally gave in, finding a spot at the base of Taka’s skull, gripping and tugging at fistfuls of black hair as he pants and muttered curses under his breath.

_Close…_

So close, Toru could see the end—could feel the high and—

And Toru barely gets to finish that thought, let alone finish himself, when Taka pulls out with _wet,_ pop, and the sickeningly cold air wraps around his cock.

“A-am I,” Taka swallowed, “Am I doing a good job, Toru-san?” he asks.

The guitarist stares at Taka with his jaws hanging wide open. Taka looks so good like that, eyes glassy, tears threatening to escape the puffy rims, cheeks blushing like fuck and his lips were coated wet, hot and moist—he sounds so unsure, so insecure, and _oh-so lovely_. But no matter how good the vocalist looks at that moment, Toru still had this brief urge to just strangle him to death. Well, either that or kiss him. Or _fuck_ him, better.

“Shut up,” he rasped out, voice raw and rough, “Just keep going!” he snapped and he swears that there’s some kind of diabolical glint in the bastard’s smug eyes before he obliges.

Like the fucking tease he is, Taka swirls his wet, slick tongue around his dick, and _oh god,_ there’s those noises again—the smacking of Taka’s lips, the sounds of his member as it slides in and out of Taka’s mouth, the hashed, ragged breathing and the moans and hums from the vocalist—winding him up like no other sound could. One of Taka’s hand is planted on his hips, holding him down just in case he decided to ram straight into his throat again, while the other one is aiding his mouth to do _wonders_ to his privates.

Fucking tease—

_Hentai, hentai, big fucking, little shitty hentai—_

Toru’s brows knitted, sweat rolling down his face as he glanced down at the mess on his lap, Taka’s head bobbing up and down—doing something that Toru had only dreamt of ever seeing, let alone experiencing—before he suddenly looked up, with Toru’s dick locked into his mouth, eyes filled with unshed tears as he takes him deeper _, and deeper_ and started to suck—

_Fuuuuu—_

And Toru came—because the image of Taka doing that to him, and immense pleasure coursing through his veins was too fucking much that it hurled—thrown—him over the edge in just a blink of an eye.

“I—I—!”

That was all the warning Taka gets when he suddenly came, his climax unraveling in strings even before Taka could pull away—

“D-damn—,”

But he flinched backwards a second too late, some of the cum landing on his chin, his parted mouth and cheeks. He looks equally shocked and disgruntled as Toru, who had just slumped bonelessly against the door, his chest heaving with reckless abandon. It was warm everywhere and there’s this urge to just lean close and pull Taka into a kiss— _soft, and slow, and romantic_ before it burns into something more sensual, like they usually did after having a night of mind-blowing sex—but Taka is looking at him with a sour look on his face, his tongue, slipping out to taste the cum on his face before he grimaced in disgust—

“W-what,” _oh god,_ Toru is a twisted fuck for loving the roughness of that voice, “What the fuck!? It’s bitter!” he complained, before looking at Toru like a kid who had just been deceived by greedy toy makers, “The people in porns look like they’re enjoying it! It tastes like shit, gaaaaaaah!!!”

And just like that, Taka bolted towards the bathroom, leaving Toru totally spent, face totally shining in pleasure and satisfaction, pants and boxers down—thinking how Gocchan’s anger would be so much worth it—with the sound of Taka’s retching, gurgling and violent brushing of his teeth in the background.

_Ah…_

_Life is good._

He just hopes that Taka would get even better at doing it in the future.

And no more biting his dick, goddammit!

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I forgot to say that this is an Explicit-rated chapter. Oh well. It still sucks gaaaaah. I need to re-read the parallel fic to this again T^T
> 
> All feedbacks are well appreciated so keep them coming if you caaaaan~!


	63. Around the World Shounen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Because not all dreams would come true. I’d say I’ll make it true after knowing such reality. I’d like to make point that it’s not the matter of whether our dream is fulfilled or not, but how far we’ve come to reach it so we could see our hidden ability. What’s left from the effort we’ve made will surely lead our previous self to the future."_
> 
>  
> 
> -Taka, [ROCKIN’ON JAPAN INTRODUCTION, March 2015 Issue](https://dnooriani.wordpress.com/2015/01/27/rockinon-japan-introduction-march-2015-issue/)  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's with the European Tour? What do you mean by "intimate"?? Will the Orchestra Tour be recorded?? What happened to the Mexico show?? 
> 
> LOL sorry for taking too long. This is really lame but yeah. Things gotta get going so I could write more angst.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

November passed by in a blur, and with the constant touring from one place to another, the band has almost spent _all of their times together_ —waking up, eating, practicing, performing and even the after-parties—they were constantly together that they eventually got tired of clumping like lost teenagers whenever they go out in the streets before and after their live performances. That’s why when the first wave of their tour ended, they were _more than gladly_ to go to their separate ways and actually do the things they like without everyone hovering and breathing at the back of their necks.

_Especially Taka and Toru._

_Maa, maa_ , it’s not like Taka hated the attention and presence of the other band members around him. Heck, _god knows_ how ecstatic he is whenever he’s in someone’s company because he would always forget how alone he is in this world, but there are some things that he was dying to do—and be done to him, apparently—without a snickering, gawking audience— _yes, I’m talking about you, Alex, don’t pretend that you’re not checking me and Toru-san every five minutes!_

What the hell?

Does the lead guitarist think that he’ll actually pounce on his oh-so beloved kouhai— _blegh, beloved my ass!_ —on broad daylight, with everyone around them?!

_Of course not!_

But that _doesn’t_ make Taka stop squirming and fidgeting on his spot on the back seat of the Hi-Ace van. He was dreaming of having a really, _really_ heavy make out session with Toru-san—cuddling under the warm kotatsu during this season is a _nice idea_ , _BUT_ kissing and touching each other under a kotatsu in this cold weather is an even better idea. So his sexually deprived mind decided that it’ll be nice to have a very, _very_ wet dream that includes him on top of Toru-san, sweating and with all the hairs on his body standing as the cold air hit his body and he was moaning— _god, but Toru-san’s grunts and groans sound even better_ —and moving and then there was something _crashing_ on him—

_Gaaah!!!_

And he woke up because the current driver of the van suddenly stepped on the brakes, making all the instrument cases fall over Taka’s sleeping form.

“Fu-fu- _fucking—_ ,” he wheezed under the pile of black cases, while Tomoya shrieked and immediately dove into the farthest seat to…literally dig him out of the cases. “Help me, gah!!!”

He swear he could hear Alex’s muttering _of “That’s what you get for not helping us carry the instruments every damn time,”_ but he was too busy breathing and pushing the damn cases—what the hell, why are they so heavy? _Are they made of gold or what—off his face and groin_ —his very _achingly_ sensitive groin—

“Ah, Taka-chan!!!” Tomoya screamed, accidentally shoving a guitar case towards his face, the edge hitting him so fucking hard he black out for a moment.

…

_Hnnn…_

Whether it’s intentional or what, slapping Tomoya’s head was the last thought in his mind before he passed out.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Anyways, that happened a few days ago and just like what Taka has been saying earlier before the unnecessary— _and scary_ —flashback of guitar cases _slamming_ on his hard-on, they were so fed up with each other’s face that when the door of the van opened, everyone was already screaming while leaping out in joy before dashing the fuck away to each other’s houses.

 _Except Taka and Toru_ —who dashed away to _fuck each other_ in Toru-san’s house—because, well, it’s nearer to the studio and they’re needy and really, _really_ sexually frustrated that Toru-san was already looking like hell with perpetual gray cloud hanging above his head as they sprinted towards his unit.

…

 _He would really love_ to tell everyone how the both of them were already pawing at each other’s clothes the moment the door shut closed heavily behind him, how Taka’s mind gets fuzzed, his vision blurry, and his body was so warm _, so hot_ for Toru-san—the skin under those calloused hands breaking into goosebumps and cold sweat, making him shiver and moan into the kiss they _oh-so_ deserved in the past few days. _Taka would love to tell_ how heady he feels, not really knowing how they ended up in the bathroom, his back burning against the cold, wet tiles as streams of water fall over them like relentless raindrops—the sound of gushing water masking the moans and grunts as Toru-san pounded into him, groaning as Taka’s blunt nails carved red marks on his back—the air thick and heavy, filled with the smell of sex and sweat and the lead guitarist’s shampoo— _and home_ , it smells and feels like home that Taka had to cling onto the younger man in sheer desperation, as the overwhelming wave of ecstasy crashed into him.

But that was kinda _private and intimate_ and he really don’t want to share how good Toru-san looks when he comes, head thrown back and teeth biting hard and harsh on his thin bottom lip, so yeah, he really doesn’t want to tell it.

…

_…_

_Hnnn…_

Did he just tell all of those dirty details?

He did?

_Well, fuck!_

“Ouch!!!” Toru-san suddenly yelled when Taka absent-mindedly pulled on his hair a bit too harsh, “ _Ouchouchouchouch,_ I’m gonna go bald you fucking—,”

“Shhh!!!” he slurred, gathering more of those hideous curly locks into his hands in an attempt to tie it into a messy bun. He was so fed up with the ugly hair so he decided to tie it and see how Toru-san would look with a fucking ponytail on top of his head, which the rhythm guitarist reluctantly agreed to do so because they were bored and Taka is extra needy and bossy when he’s drunk—like now.

“Don’t move, Toru—Toru-san!” he gasped, childish giggles flowed out of his mouth as he yanked the hair closer to his chest. He was perched on the couch, with Toru-san sitting on the floor between his legs, his own feet tucked under the kotatsu for some warmth.

“Then don’t make me go bald you assfuck!” he snarled and attempted to get away again but Taka’s grip was vice-like.

“ _Assfuck, Huuuh_ ,” Taka ignored the protests and proceed on trying— _and failing_ — to tie the stubborn dark strands—why is this so hard mou! I’ll just cut this shit if this goes on! —, “That’s new. Is that a hint that you want to fuck or what?”

“It’s a hint that I’ll fuck you up if you won’t stop messing with my hair!”

_But it’s already messy!_

“Semantics, Toru-san _, semantics…”_ he clacked his tongue, tried some more, before finally giving up and just proceed on propping his chin on the top of the guitarist’s had, his eyes zoning onto the muted television screen. It’s Christmas Eve and instead of partying with everyone else, they decided to stay at the younger’s unit and just…spent the night, like what lovers do during that occasion.

“Do you even know what semantics mean??”

“Not really,” he said, his arms hugging the guitarist from behind and pulling him even closer, “But it suddenly came up in my mind so it’s probably the right word?”

Toru-san made a non-committal grunt and wordlessly leaned onto him, making Taka’s heart danced inwardly with pure joy. He loves this _moment_ —well, he loves every moment spent with the guitarist, especially the hot, steamy sex on every hard surface available, but this…this small times when he and the younger teen are just sitting inside the unit, doing nothing and just…basking on each other’s warmth, listening on the beats of their hearts and the rhythm of their breathings—no words being said, no screaming’s, no fighting’s, just…just them—just the two of them.

_Just Toru-san and Taka._

He loves it the most.

Even if he’s drunk like fuck.

There’s a variety show playing on the TV, but the laughter’s were slurred and muffled to Taka’s ears and he wonders why Tour-san is looking intently on it, like he’s actually enjoying the shit, instead of paying attention to him.

Like, what the hell, he snapped, what’s more important than his _b-boyfriend_ clinging to him like this?! That fucking TV show?! _Is it more important than me?!_

Taka blinked at that.

_Whoah, whoah, scary thoughts!_

He’s starting to sound like a _bitchy girlfriend_ just now! He grimaced and buried his nose into the curly locks _, I blame it on Alex! He’s always calling me as the bitchy girlfriend so it’s his fault that I’m kinda turning into one!_

Okay.

Maybe that is not the brightest idea but he’s drunk and he really don’t want to admit that he’s changing—that this burning sense of possessiveness over his lover is slowly— _painfully slowly_ —eating its ugly way into him.

“I want to go to the Budokan on my next birthday,” Toru-san suddenly blurted out, making Taka snapped out of his thoughts.

“What?”

“I know you’re drunk but not deaf—,”

“I will pull all of your hair, Toru-san,” he said, grabbing the man’s overly abused hair stands to emphasize his threats, “One more insult and I’m really gonna do it, drunk or not!”

“Oh yeah!?” Toru-san arched his head back to glance at him, “But you like it when I’m throwing insults at you when we’re doing it!”

“Wha—,”

“—like, _oh you want that, you dirty, dirty little_ —mppphhh!!!”

“AHHHHHH!!!!” Taka’s face heated up in an alarming rate at that, and even before the guitarist can finish that horrible impersonation of him, Taka had already locked his neck into his arms, his legs clinging around his chest like a damn octopus to squeeze the ever living daylights out of him, “You fucking pervert!!!”

“You’re more of a pervert than me—haagh—!”

Okay, maybe Taka had to take back his statement earlier—about him loving these moments because he really hates when Toru-san is getting smart-sy around him and that makes him want to punch and kick and kiss him all at the same time.

…

Anyways, it took five bloody five minutes before they finally calmed down—minus the disheveled clothes and wild hairs and a few scratches here and there. They are now both sitting on the couch, heads resting on the top of the backrest as they heaved like they had just run a fucking marathon.

“W-why—,” Taka started, the effects of alcohol in his system is already starting to be drained with all the rough-housing, “Why would you want to go to the Budokan?! Was your birthday party this year not enough for you, you _picky_ Yamashita?!”

Toru-san casted him a long, weary and completely pissed off look before he huffed and smack his lips in a very adorable way that makes Taka wants to squish those cheeks and plant a million of kisses on— _oh, okay,_ he mentally backtracked _, I’m getting distracted again_ —, “I can’t even remember how the party ended,” he grimaced before lazily turning towards him, “Do you?”

Taka blinked, raking his mind for any scenes of the said party, but aside from loud laughter’s and the sign of their favorite kombini, he can’t remember shit of it.

“Maa...”

“I think,” Toru-san licked his lips, “I think I saw you sleeping in front of the convenience store—,”

“Uso!” Taka jumped in indignation, “No way!”

“Yes you did!” he doesn’t like the smile slowly forming on his stupid lips, “We were looking for you because you said that you would just go to the toilet and then an hour passed and you still haven’t come back!”

Taka’s brows furrowed in confusion. What the hell, that’s totally a lie! He can’t remember any shit of that! _Excuse me, but I’m not drunk!_

“And then the receptionist said that you just wobbled out, saying that you’ll go buy a ramen or something and then we moved out to search for you and saw you sleeping in front of the kombini.”

Taka’s mouth hanged wide open at that, holy shit he could actually remember that…that spontaneous craving for ramen! He must be really, really drunk by then because—

“Why the fuck did I even went to the kombini if I want a ramen?!” he screeched out with wide-eyed astonishment.

“Fuck if I know! And don’t shout at me!”

That made Taka instantly shut up. Huh, so that’s how they spent Toru-san’s birthday this year? _Psssh, what a mess._ No wonder the Osaka boy wants to go to the Budokan next year. Taka blinked, realization coming up late into his mind.

“Why,” he started, ignoring how the guitarist just shoved his legs off the damn couch, “Why would you even want to go to the Budokan, Toru-san?”

The younger man gave him a very long, very weary and very exasperated look.

_Oh, okay. Wrong question, then._

He winced _and subtly_ clutched the throw pillow because god knows when this…seemingly calm dinosaur would just lash out and pounce on him—that could lead to other activities, _steamy activities to be exact,_ and now that he’s thinking of it, Taka decided that it _wouldn’t be that bad_ if the guitarist would just push him down and do… _dire_ things to him, so he just subtly returned the innocent pillow back on its proper place and waited for some _action._

_…_

But Toru-san seemed to develop this “ _I-don’t-give-a-fuck-anymore”_ attitude so he just shrugged and ignore Taka as his huge eyes stared on the television once more.

_I’m really getting pissed off by that show! Why is he so keen on focusing on that shitty motherfucker, mou?!_

“For a concert, what else?” he suddenly said, making Taka snapped out of his murderous thoughts. It took him a few seconds to process what the leader had just said. _Oh._ A concert. At Nippon Budokan. The stepping stone of every musical band in Japan. 10, 000 seats—10, 000 people screaming and singing and jumping for them— _with them—_

And suddenly, Taka was on that stage, looking at the bleachers, looking at the crowd on the arena, looking at the smiles and grins and listening to the roar of the crowd, the loud beats of the music around him and— _and—_

“W-we,” he gulped audibly, his mind desperately clinging to that magnificent view as it was quickly replaced by the smaller venues, by dark live houses they were all so well-acquainted with, “Are we ready for that, Toru-san?” he softly asked, hesitance and reluctance evident on his voice.

He might be drunk but he’s not that _optimistic._

 _Reality is a bitch_ and no matter how high their dreams are, he knows that the road towards bigger venues, the road towards halls, towards arenas, towards the Tokyo Dome— _hell, even touring abroad_ —is a long, painful one.

They can’t go there just by _sheer enthusiasm alone._

They can’t go there _just because Toru-san wanted to go_ to the fucking Budokan out of the sudden.

They would need time. Patience. More songs. More rehearsals. More acquaintances. More collaborations. More shows. More dreams. _More ambitions._

“We will be,” Toru-san nodded, crossing his arms over his chest in a pondering manner, “ _Maa_ , it’s still a year before that, and we will have this breakthrough single, right? It’ll be used in a major program and after that, our name would be known,” he said _with so much confidence_ that Taka find it hard to doubt his leader’s words, “ONE OK ROCK will be known and we’ll be playing in Budokan by the time of my birthday. Wouldn’t it be nice?!”

Taka’s mouth parted open, to say that _no, it’s not that easy,_ but Toru-san is smiling, so arrogant and so sure of himself— _he’s so strong and focused_ —so like the once scrawny boy stalking the shit out of him. They had all changed but this…this side of his lover hasn’t changed that mind, and Taka won’t mind to follow him even to the depths of hell if the guitarist would want to.

He trusts him _too much._

And if Toru-san would once day say that they’re ready to expand overseas, Taka would blindly agree to it. He’ll do it. _They’ll do it._

“You…” he started as he rested his head onto the leader’s shoulder, Toru-san’s arm instantly snaking on his waist to pull him closer, bask on each other’s warmth and make him comfortable as fuck, “You really won’t be satisfied by spending your birthdays in some random ramen and sushi house anymore, huh, Toru-san?”

Toru-san grunted, his calloused hand running on Taka’s side in a comforting manner as he pouted those lovely lips, “Maa…I want to celebrate it in different places coz that would be cool, right?”

“We don’t have that much money, mou!!!”

“But I wanna travel _around the wooooorld_ ,” the guitarist whined and during these moments, Taka could see the child inside this…scary, constantly scowling and seemingly-bored bastard. He’s just as childish as everyone else, even if he acts like a proper, matured leader some times. “Maybe in the next, next year?!”

Taka shook his head in exasperation before bursting into massive giggling fits. As if travelling is just as easy as a balloon getting carried by the wind over vast lands and seas.

“Maybe in the next 10 years, Toru-san—,”

“ _Five_ ,” Taka’s eyes zoomed towards the face of their leader at that bold declaration. What the heck, why is he getting so decisive at this moment! They’re supposed to be relaxing, not thinking about a thousand ways to pressure themselves into skyrocketing to fame!

“ _Five years_ , Taka,” he said, again, and this time Taka couldn’t look away from those deep eyes—they were huge, dark rings surrounded the tired rims—Toru-san’s eyes look so exhausted, so fed up and utterly, bone-deep bored and yet, Taka had never seen it so focused, so confident, so ambitious.

Ha.

_Hahahaha—_

“Hahahahahahahaha!!!!” and he couldn’t help himself from laughing out loud because he knows that this would be good, that the next year would be so damn good, and the years to come because Toru-san had said so—and it feels nice, to be in this room, warm and safe and head buzzing from the alcohol— _it feels nice_ to see that signature smirk on the guitarist’s face, how his pale cheeks warmed into a vibrant scarlet as Taka roared out his giggles over and over again.

“S-sure, ha, Toru-san,” he said, wiping the tears from his eyes and inwardly cackling and cooing at the bullied expression on the leader’s face as he leaned forward— _closer and closer_ —until the tips of their noses touched, “Let’s make your dreams a reality, okay?”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the start of the last arc of Dreamers, and the last part of the old OOR-era, before the Kanzen Kankaku Dreamer. 
> 
> As all of you probably know by now, Around the World Shounen was supposed to be their breakthrough single (like KKD), and was about to be released in May 2009, for a primetime drama, God Hand Teru. But the Alex-incident happened, hence why it was pulled out, and the tour for it was also cancelled.
> 
> Advance copies of the single were sent to radio stations for promotion making the song available now or else, it would be just a distant memory. Anyways, the single has four tracks. The short version of Around the World Shounen for previews and radios, the full version of it, Hitori goto Ronriina (which would later become the B-side of KKD in 2010, and the live performance of the demo-song which would later be released as Kimishidai Ressha during the Zankyo Reference era. (LOL I just copied most of the shits from some tumblr posts and articles)
> 
> [Around the World Shounen](http://bk-lin.tumblr.com/post/75761695870/kokoro-ni-kagi-wo-kaketa-ano-koro-no-jibun-wa)  
> [Untitled Song (Kimishidai Ressha demo) Live at Zepp Tokyo 2009](http://bk-lin.tumblr.com/post/72505345235/live-at-zepp-tokyo-2009-cant-take-it-time-were)  
> So entering this era means that Dreamers would come to an end, I think, before the year ends or when Toru or Taka decided to settle down, whichever comes first. I'm really grateful for everyone who had stayed till now. Thank you very, very muuuuuuch~! You've given me a lot in the past few months, and I hope I can do the same too.


	64. Mikansei Koukyoukyoku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So what if you make a mistake!?  
> It just one time, isn’t it!? This is your life!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that there would be people participating in the inktober shit shits so I can fill my heart with lots of Toruka fanarts in the whole month of October.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing~!

The winter passed by—with the band shutting themselves inside their studio, trying to make the single they were about to release in mid-year. They decided to be more experimental, trying new sounds and chords, the lyrics different. They decided to reduce the tempo of the song, focusing on the impacts of the lyrics. It was a notable change, but hey, at least they’re doing whatever they want now, unlike during the Beam of Light album.

Their tours are kinda extensive now, going even to other prefectures to perform there. Gocchan even said that if this goes on, they would have to take the _Shinkansen_ for easier travel. Taka thought that it’s just their manager trying to escape his responsibility of driving them around, but with the growing schedule, maybe it’s probably the best idea.

Besides, their temper is kinda short these past few days—which actually started with Alex— _who else_ —arriving quite late for their rehearsals. He says that it’s because of his modelling jobs and it pissed the hell out of Taka.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“I mean, we’re doing our best, giving all of us in this band,” he rants as he pushed his socks and pants into his backpack. He’s currently packing his stuffs for their tour when Toru-san emerged from his front door—the fucker _casually walking in_ like he fucking owned the place—to tell him that there would be no rehearsal for tonight because _his_ Alex-senpai has been caught up in a photoshoot and it will not end until late in the evening. “And he’s still doing those jobs for the magazines! I thought that we need to focus?!”

Toru-san blinked at his sudden outburst. The man is getting weird these days. Sometimes he’s energetic but most of the times, he just sits in the corner, watch the others like a fucking creep, his eyes almost closing on their own with the immense boredom he’s probably feeling. And oh, did he forgot to mention that Toru-san’s appetite for sex, cuddling or even touching has been increasing as months passed by? No?

_Eh okay,_ Taka inwardly shrugged, it’s not like he _hates_ it anyway. He actually basks on the attention, and even if the man had _almost killed_ him with his cooking the other day, Taka really loves him to the moon and back. Like, Toru-san could feed him those shitty, pathetic excuse for a nato soup and he would still kiss him silly. _Probably to make him have a taste of his own poison._

Anyways, the leader just shrugged his shoulder, “Maa, let the man be. But he’d better show his ass tomorrow or else,” the guitarist narrowed his huge eyes, “I will fucking hunt him down and tie him on the van’s roof.”

Taka stopped pushing the goddamned pants into the already full bag and gave the leader a blank look, “…you’re really a creepy motherfucker, Toru-san, you know that?”

“And you know that I don’t care— _angh!”_ the guitarist immediately ducked when Taka fling his box towards that annoying face. “Do you want to kill me, you fucking—,” he growled, as he throws the box back to Taka, “And don’t just toss that box! What if your meds fly the fuck out, huh?!”

Taka winced at that. Maybe he really shouldn’t have had his temper get the better of him. What if he had hurt Toru-san? Not on his handsome face, mou! And more importantly, what if his meds would indeed scatter all over the floor?! That would be a colossal pain in the ass.

Okay, maybe his priorities might be a bit out of order but _damn._ This box is really important! So important that their entire performance kinda depends on it!

“Fine, _gomen_ ,” Taka relented and inspected the contents of the box—medications for his throat, things to cool his throat, shits for allergies and so on. _And masks!_ He’ll die if he forgets to bring face masks! He never forgets to bring this box everywhere so he usually put it into his bag a night before the trip, just to make sure. He might sound like a _bit_ paranoid but—well, he’s actually a paranoid, _okay, okay I admit it._ But he always feels safe and at peace as long as he has it!

And besides, _isn’t Toru-san the same?_ He always has this gargle and drugs for colds and diarrhea stuffed into his bag just in case something dire would happen. Heh, he’s really a leader who takes care of his members like that huuh?

“Don’t forget the iPod too,” the guitarist warned in the background, “I would cancel the fucking tour if you forget that.”

“And everyone is calling me a tyrant!” he complained but obeyed nonetheless. Everyone knows how prissy their leader is when he’s not carrying his iPod and earphones. So Taka had to make sure that he has their favorite songs, even in his own iPod just to be ready.

_I mean, we’re in a tight, closed van for hours_ and when there’s no music, they can hear nothing but the rumble of the engine of their van. And Tomoya’s munching in the middle seat. They won’t be able to sleep too! Gocchan randomly plays music while driving, and if they don’t like it— _which is rare_ —they just listen to their own iPod but god if the song was good? Gocchan was in for a screaming because the five would sing out loud and play their instruments into the air like preschool kids.

Sometimes… Taka felt bad that Gocchan has to deal with their childish antics. But Gocchan said that they really shouldn’t think too much of it because he’s enjoying his work, and he loves seeing over the five of them even if they’re like the spawns of Satan for bouncing, screaming and hitting each other for _no apparent reason._

So, Taka decide that he’ll give his best— _and the entire band too_ —for the upcoming shows. They have a few ones this first part of the year, then the release of their single and a nation-wide tour after that. They’ll probably be also recording for the album so it will be a busy year ahead of them.

But to be honest…Taka feels strangle. He always wonders why people come to see them, where did they first heard about ONE OK ROCK, and from where they came from. It feels strange because there are actually people who would pay to see them live, when the adults where scrutinizing them for being an underground band, and the prejudice of having a former idol as the vocalist is still in the air.

But that band—this band— _their_ band will be playing in ZEPP Tokyo.

Honestly speaking, Taka is afraid. He had mentioned it to the leader before—that he’s scared, not really sure of he can do it—heck, he’s sure that the four could pull it off but Taka? He’ll probably die. He’s not ready, he thought, and for a moment, he was scared at the speed of their pace—I _mean, not all bands grew at this fast-paced speed_ —and he thinks that it’s the reason why sometimes…

He feels insecure…

Hesitant.

Unconfident.

Because they still haven’t made a firm base—their roots are still growing and still hasn’t taken a good grasp into the soil. They don’t even have a distinct style and yet they’re already playing in ZEPP and he’\s scared to stand in there, in front of hundreds of people.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“But we gotta do it,” he remembered Toru-san saying, his hair slicked back as he leaned on the headboard of Taka’s bed. “We will have a tour—our longest tour up until now so we have to do our very best in every live. And if we want to reach our dreams of playing overseas, we should just compensate through our spirits, give 100% or even better in every show.”

Taka glanced at the leader. Their dreams, _right_. They want to go perform lives overseas, particularly in the UK and the US. Toru-san said that he wanted to go anywhere because there’s a lot of rock festivals in many places of the world. The bastard won’t even care where it is, as long as there’s a festival in there, the simple-minded motherfucker.

“I know, it’s just…” he pulled his knees closer to his chest, the sheets pooling down on his shoulders, “Sometimes I can feel that we’re just amateur surfers—,”

He ignored the amused huff of “ _Pffft! Surfers!”_ from the guitarist and proceed on being an…emotional shit after having his brains fucked out of his system a few minutes ago.

“—trying to ride the waves, trying not to sink at the bottom and keep floating above the water…but sometimes…they kept on coming, again and again, and I’m scared that there would come a day where this…this really huge wave would reach us and we will not be able to _ride_ it—,”

The leader snickered at that so naturally, Taka glared at him, “Excuse me?! I’m pouring all of my anxieties here and you’re what!? Laughing at me?! What are you even laughing at? The word _ride,_ huh, perverted bastard?!”

The asshole didn’t even try to stop his annoying snickering’s and merely smirked at him—like he’s not afraid for the well-being of his face or something—

“Oh, you fucking—!”

“I’m not laughing about the word ride _but if you want, you could certainly do it_ —,” Taka grabbed and raised a huge pillow into the air and was about to smack the _ever living shit_ out of the man’s face but Toru-san beat him into speaking, “I was just amused that you’re comparing our venues to waves. You speak like a poet, mou!”

“WHAT.”

“I mean,” he said, slowly speaking as if he’s talking to a toddler, and god if it doesn’t piss the hell out of Taka. If…if Toru-san didn’t just look as if he’s gonna drop some life-changing words, Taka wouldn’t hesitate to beat him— _lovers or not_ —into a bloody pulp. “If you’re scared of the bigger venues, like domes and arenas—like you’re scared of that big, big wave, then we should just practice riding the smaller ones until we get better at it, don’t you think so? And then we’ll move farther into the sea, meet bigger waves in a gradual manner—we don’t have to suddenly crashed into the biggest one, so don’t worry, okay?”

Taka blankly stared at the smirking guitarist.

_He…_

He really hates it when the leader is making some sense and not just…staring off the distance or pounding into him. But he must admit that he loves it— _not the pounding,_ mind you, but it’s not an _unwelcome_ idea, coz _he’s always ready for action—_ when Toru-san is making sense, spouting shits like a proper leader and clearing Taka’s cloudy and hesitant vision about their future.

“O-okay then,” he nodded and hugged the fluffy pillow instead—it smells like Toru-san and Taka had to squeeze his eyes shut as he creepily sniffed the warm, familiar scent of his lover—relief and reassurance flooding him in an instant, “We won’t be swallowed by the wave, we won’t sink at the bottom…right, Toru-san?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“After the tour,” Taka blinked out of his stupor when the leader suddenly spoke again behind him, he can feel the warmth emanating from the firm body behind him, and no matter how tempting it is to cling onto Toru-san, Taka has still his priorities. Like packing up. So he digressed and decided to focus on the task at hand, _A.K.A_. zipping up his impossibly full bag.

_What the heck, did I put my entire mattress into this shi—urgh!_

“It’ll be your birthday again,” he heard the man said and that made Taka paused his grunting and struggles of zipping the fucking gigantic bag. He warily glanced over his shoulder, raising a brow when he was greeted by Toru-san’s suddenly serious face, “It’s a year now since we fucked up.”

“But we _made up,”_ he retorted, brows knitting in confusion, “What about it?”

“Let’s celebrate your birthday together, Taka,” he said, his perfectly sculpted lips pouting like a bullied child. Taka wanted to laugh at that because Gaaah, Toru-san looks so cute like that, it makes me want to squish his cheeks and kiss those—ahem.

But he decided against it because he suddenly remembered how he celebrated his birthday last year—when everything was shit, when he is shit towards the leader who apparently baked a cake just for him—but where was he? There, busy gallivanting—big words—around Shibuya with her then girlfriend.

_Awwwww..._

Was Toru-san still holding a grudge about that?!

…

…

Coz Taka would part heaven and hell just to make this shitty stalker happy. Just one word from him and he’ll do it.

“Okay,” he nodded, a warm, fuzzy feeling instantly blooming within his chest as the put was replaced with a small, satisfied smile.

“Let’s go to the Hanami then...?”

Taka blinked, the images of Sakura-trees lining the Meguro River flooding his mind—pink blossoms being carried away by the wind, the scent of the flowers thick in the air and Toru-san—Toru-san would be there.

And it’s enough.

_For now._

“Alright…” he said, smiling as he went back into the hellish process of zipping up his bag, “We’ll go then, Toru-san…”

 

 

* * *

 

April came.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And they never had the chance to went to the Hanami.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taka's birthday is on April 17th.
> 
>  
> 
> Alex was arrested in the 5th of April 2009.
> 
>  
> 
> -The shits about the stuffs for their tour and the waves were all taken from [here](http://oneokrock.wikia.com/wiki/Interview_with_ONE_OK_ROCK_-_JaME_World_\(2009\))  
> Thanks for reading~!


	65. One by One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Heaven is all gone  
> Empty in my arms  
> You wanna see us be nothing nothing"
> 
>  
> 
> _"It was covered by the news. My phone rang excessively. It was from a number I didn’t recognize. Right after the pause, I heard the answering machine, and it was Alex’s younger sister, who was crying the whole time. She said something along the lines of, “My brother’s been arrested.” From there, it was a nightmare of an hour. "_
> 
> _At the time, it was like my life was flashing before my eyes. Before this band formed, the memories from the time I was an idol suddenly arose. I kept thinking, “Why is my life like this every time? Why?”_
> 
> -Taka, [Rockin'On Japan: June OOR Interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29232913009/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-4)  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapters would be shooooort.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

Taka had just woken up when he heard the news.

* * *

 

 

 

 

They went home late last night, after a series of after parties in celebration of their successful show in Shibuya AX. Though it wasn’t the best, with all the mistakes in tuning and the band being not in sync, they still managed to pull it off. And it was fun! Especially when after the first song, everybody went still and quiet— _eerie quiet in the large hall of AX_ —which subsequently made the band nervous as fuck.

And before he knows it, Toru-san is already in the front, playing a guitar solo—something that he, or everyone on the band, had imagined him to do— _not even in their wildest, nastiest dream._ Toru-san looks like he was about to cry, teeth biting harshly on his plump lower lip, brows knitted in confusion as his fingers moved across the frets and strings—

_And it worked!_

Because the crowd went alive instantly after that ad lib—and at that moment, when Toru-san was roaring like a _confused asshole_ in front of the stage—Taka thought that he’d never been so fit to be their leader.

So they went out to drinks—everyone including the staffs—but Taka and Toru decided to go home earlier than the other because they have something urgent to do. Urgent as in to get rid of the unnecessary boners within their pants. _Urgent_ as in the need to fuck senseless in the nearest place possible—which was Toru-san’s unit—but even before they can enter the apartment, the guitarist is already heaving like fuck—

“What the—,” Taka blinked when the leader suddenly shoved him aside, pulled the door open and dashed towards the toilet as if he was being chased by a horde of zombies.

_Whu—_

Taka’s first thought was to ran after the leader and punch him on his annoyingly drunk face because _how dare him to just shove me aside just_ — _just like that?!_ He gasped, massaging his shoulder because it hurts like a bitch—he’s still smaller than Toru-san so of course it would hurt! Just like every time they do it, because Toru-san is _bigge—_

_Mfggghhh._

Anyways, he was really contemplating on smacking the silly guitarist for treating him like that, but then he heard the retching sounds from the inside and realized that his lover is probably— _no definitely, can’t you hear that fucking sound, he sounds like he’s coughing out his intestines or something, for fuck’s sake, Taka!_ —puking the hell out of his organs. And being a responsible, slightly drunk, yet still loving boyfriend, he must come to his rescue and help him!

_That’s right!_

Taka grinned and wobbled into the unit, pulling the door closed behind him with a loud thud. He went towards the bathroom, there was a sound of running water and gargling in the air.

_Oh, it’s over already?_ He pouted and waited as the guitarist finally emerged out of the toilet, looking sick and shit. Oh, that’s bad. Really bad. _So bad_ that his dick is definitely plotting his death right now because a grumpy-looking Toru-san means no sex. No cuddling. And a night spent alone with the dire choice of using his ever-reliable hand as a poor substitute for those larger, calloused ones.

“Toru-san—,”

“Shhh!” the leader slurred as he walked towards Taka. He braced himself, hands landing and gripping Taka’s shoulder so hard it hurts— _oh you fucking idiot, you’ll really get a beating for manhandling me like this_ —, “Don’t talk, Mori.”

“What.”

Taka blinked up at the guitarist—because it has been too long since his last name had stumbled out of those lips—wondering how smashed their leader is. _Completely shit-faced,_ probably. But it doesn’t stop him from giving those…signature heavily lidded gazes, dark orbs sweeping onto Taka’s confused and slightly scared—because, what if Toru-san suddenly just keel over, what would I fucking do, dammit! —face., without saying anything at all.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m _not_ okay—,” _Panic!_ Taka instantly started to panic, _fuckfuck_ —, “I’m Toru.”

His hand instantly went into the air, slapping the shit out of the flustered face with a sickening sound of palm hitting flesh. Toru-san wobbled at the impact— _it wasn’t that strong! He’s just too drunk to withstand it!_ —almost hitting his face on the damn wall.

“Oh shit!” Taka was instantly reaching for the swaying frame of their leader, “I’m sorry, Toru-san!”

“No, you’re not!” the man snapped, grabbing his now-reddening cheek, before grinning widely down at him, “You’re _Mori_.”

…

…

…

And Taka had lost it. He had reached forward, clasped his shaking fingers on the ma’s heated cheeks and pulled him down in a wet, open-mouthed kiss—Toru-san tastes like mint, like Shōchū beer _, like Toru-san_ —and he might be drunk, but the way his hands travelled across Taka’s back—it was…

It doesn’t feel like he’s looking for a passion-filled sex, not for their usual wild romp on the sheets. It was a weird touch—like curious, innocent, affectionate and Taka whimpered as he feels the warmth of those fingertips brushing against his skin. He moaned. It feels good—not lustful, passionate and blinding kind of good but still…still good. _Still good, nonetheless._

Toru-san hummed in appreciation, as the fucker pressed even closer. Lightly. Carefully. Lovingly. Or was he just trying to make Taka carry all of his weight?

But whatever snarky remarks Taka was planning to say, it was instantly flushed out of his mind when Toru-san grabbed him closer, the tips of their nose touching and—

“I love you,” Toru-san murmured against Taka’s lips. It was soft, it was serene, it was sincere and Taka wanted nothing but to just melt into his arms and sleep— _rest—_ and forget everything else in the world.

“I love you too, Toru-san,” he whispered back dreamily. He thought that this would be nice, that this evening could end still great even without their mind-blowing sex. Toru-san smiled, his arms slightly tightening around him.

“Good _. Good_.”

And he was kissing him again. They kissed and kissed until Taka can’t feel his lips anymore, until it was swollen and puffy, bitten and red—until he can’t hear his own breathing and heart beats anymore—until Toru-san slumped forward into him. Taka didn’t mind, because he had his fill already. After making sure that he had tuck the guitarist in, and he had left an ample amount of water on his bedside table, Taka leaned down to plant a soft, chaste kiss on his forehead—his heart brimming with this overwhelming feelings toward his leader—before he left the unit to go back to his own and sleep.

It was a good night.

 

 

 

* * *

 

But morning came, and so is the disaster no one had ever predicted.

* * *

 

 

 

 

“ _Motherfu—!”_ Taka groaned as he reached for his phone. It has been ringing since forever, and since he was sleep deprived—well, he was having a nice ride in his dream, actually—and slightly hang over, the sound feels like it’s slicing up through his head. It resembles the sound of a nail scratching against a chalkboard and fuck if Taka’s head isn’t about to burst right now.

_Who the fuck is calling at_ —he squinted at the digital clock on his night table— _9 in the fucking morning?! It’s Sunday for fuck’s sake!_

He blearily reached for his phone, promising himself that if it’s Tomoya—heavens forbid—he’ll definitely kill him senseless for disturbing his nice, nice dream—and narrowed his eye at the caller ID. It’s an unknown number.

“…huh?” Taka groaned, what the hell? Is this some kind of prank?! He doesn’t have time for this! He has a dream to get back to! And his pressing erection wouldn’t take no for an answer! Taka was about to answer the call when it abruptly ended.

_What the—_

He stared at his phone for a bit longer. What was that? And…and what’s this…unsettling feeling starting to brew within him? What if it’s an emergency? What if one of his relatives or friends or band mates got into an accident and someone is just trying to inform him about it?

Taka gulped as he slowly rose into a sitting position, the phone held tightly in his hand. He glanced around the room, his dark fringes covering almost half of his vision—but it couldn’t cover what Taka could see—what Taka couldn’t see.

It was suddenly quiet. There was no sound of vehicles from the outside, no morning talks between the passersby. There was no strumming of guitar, no annoyingly high-pitched laughter. The unit was bare, the unit was quiet, and Taka is alone.

_I don’t want to be alone._

He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself but it feels heavy. The air feels heavy and he can feel cold sweat blooming at his temples as he tried to think of the reason why he’s acting like this.

_I don’t want the silence._

_I don’t want to be alone—_

He didn’t know why, and he really wanted to just blame it on his morning wood, but he couldn’t—there’s this dread blossoming within him— _Toru-san, where is Toru-san? Is he alright?_

What if—

_What if—_

He raised the phone up and put it closer to his face, and with shaky hands, he tried to search for the guitarist’s number— _answer, Toru-san, I swear to god, if you don’t answer right now, I—I—,_ but even before Taka could press the call button, Taka jumped—

_Wha—!_

—as the shrill ringing of his telephone pierced the dead silence of his home.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taka stared at the phone for a long time, debating whether to answer it or to just call Toru-san and reassure himself that the leader is safe— _that he hadn’t left him_ —but the constant and incessant ringing is getting on his nerves. Add that to the anxious feeling that’s telling him that there’s something wrong. Taka decide to pick it up, slowly traversing the cold floor—bare-footed and dragging the sheets behind him as he put the phone onto his ear.

“Hello?” he softly, hesitantly asked.

There was a crying girl on the other line.

…

…

Now, Taka isn’t really fan of horror movies—he’s not easily scared but with the silence of his home and the dread churning in his gut, he must admit that all of his hair stood on their ends at that sound—sobbing, helpless sobbing and broken words streaming from a girl’s mouth—

_“Nii-chan—!”_ He heard her hiccupping the words, _“—arrested—help—! Niichan—!”_

What?

Taka furrowed his brows. Toru-san doesn’t have a younger sister—thank fucking god—Ryota has an older sister, though. The rhythm guitarist and the drummer have older brothers. Maybe this is really a prank call? Or maybe she just dialed the wrong number in haste?

“What?” he said, trying to retain the calmness on his voice. The girl obviously needs some comfort, and despite mistaking Taka’s number for someone else, he ought that he needs to be nice or something. He’s a gentleman after all, “Are you sure you got the right number, _ojou-san?”_

_“—M-morita-kun, my Niichan—has—,”_

Oh. Okay. She knows him.

She definitely knows him. So, someone with a little sister knows him and—

And—

_“—been arrested! —,”_

His cell phone started ringing on his bed again, filling the air with the shrill sound, and the piercing cries and sobbing’s of the girl—but Taka couldn’t hear any of that any more.

Younger sister...?

_“—all over—all over the news—!”_

Images of the first outdoor live went back to Taka’s mind—Toru-san and Ryota’s family who came straight from Osaka to watched them, Taka ripping his toe nail off, the scent of grass, their first engine and there was a girl— _a younger girl wearing a sailor uniform,_ holding onto his brother’s arm as he introduced her to them—

_“—elp! Help him, please—I don’t want—him—to jail—,”_

The ringing continued, the sobs went waves after waves as Taka gripped the counter with white, tight fingers. He was shaking. He is now visibly shaking, eyes wide and sweat rolling down like waterfalls on his cheeks as realization slowly dawned upon him.

_Arrested?_

_All over the news?_

_How—_

_Who—_

Breathing suddenly became difficult for Taka as his entire life flashed right before his eyes—his childhood, his family, the fights in their home, him joining the Jimusho, with a cute little Hiroki tagging along, him trying to a build a name for his own, away from the shadow of his parents’ fame—his rise and downfall—the short-lived career, the scandals on the tabloids, his face on the magazines, the news about him being a disgrace, the divorce, his father asking him to get out, forcing him to do the things he really don’t want to—him running away, slowly dying one day at a time, his overgrown hair clouding his vision, the days spent in loneliness and solitude as he wandered in Shibuya, lost and by himself—Toru-san who came one cold night, Toru-san who came in the next few nights and weeks, urging and talking him into joining the band—

He heaved, eyes prickling with tears as _he couldn’t tell_ whose sobbing is echoing in the background anymore.

—the first time he went into the studio, Yu, the first time they booked a live, Yu ditching them, Yu leaving him, their resolve crumbling and strengthening right thereafter, the shows, the growing feelings between them—the pain, oh the pain—their first single, their first radio appearance, their first album—Zeitakubyo—their first time kissing—warm lips descending on drunken ones—the repercussions of their actions—the Quattro Tour—that live when his mother came, Taka crying, Taka apologizing—their New Year in the Shinto Shrine, Beam of Light—Toru-san and his relationship spiraling down, Taka’s affair, Toru-san’s pain, the warm on his eyes gone—became cold and callous—Beam of Light, the shitty album and then there was Kanjou Effect—there was the confrontation and confessions and they were good—

They _will be_ releasing their breakthrough single _next month._

They _will be_ embarking on their largest tour so far _next month._

They _would be_ producing a great album, the real start of One Ok Rock in the _last part of year._

They promised that they would be together— _Toru-san promised that everything would be alright_ —that they would be playing in halls and arenas and domes—that they would be performing on foreign lands just five years from now— _Toru-san had promised—_

Everything is good. Going good. Doing fine. They’re doing all great and fine—

So why—

Why—!?

_Why does it always happen like this? To me?_

Why—why is that, when Taka is feeling happy and contented and confident—something he had never felt for a long, long time now—is also when the universe decides to fuck it all up? Why now? Why give him something to cherish—something to love and protect and be proud off— _only to rip it away from him—abruptly, painfully, deadly?_

Why—

_Why is it always like this?_

_Is it wrong for him to feel happy? Feel loved? Feel in control of his life?_

_Was that a crime...?_

_What had he done to deserve this…? To experience this downfall over and over again...?_

_Why is it always like this?_

He gasped—feeling like he’s thrown into he cold ocean—the black, dark water filling him, enveloping him and dragging him down—drowning with all the thoughts, all the words, all the repercussions of this—the dark, dark emotions whirling and embracing him, pulling him down as he _gasped and pants_ out for breath—and he could hear his lungs gave away as he tried, really, _really_ fucking tried to stay away from reality—

Tried not to think of the disappointment on everyone’s face—on his parents’ face—his brothers, his grandma’s—the faces of their fans, the listeners who were looking forward for their songs—the band’s families—everyone’s—

Disappointment.

_You’re a lost cause._

Disgrace.

_Good for nothing._

Trash.

_You are—_

He falls onto his knees, unable to see with all the tears rushing down his face, he was weak, too weak, and he just wanted all this nightmare to end, ignoring the broken cries of _“—Niichan, Alex-Nii-chan has been arrested—!”_

_—dead._

Takahiro _wanted_ to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to go with the real events back in 2009 as much possible, hence why we'll be seeing more shits from the translations of articles, news site and forums related to the Alex-incident in the next few chapters. I thank those lovely people out there in advance hohohoho
> 
>  
> 
> Any kind of feedback would be very much appreciated~
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	66. Last Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is this our last dance?  
> Can we take another chance  
> To be alone together still?
> 
> Are we wasting time  
> Chasing dreams not yours or mine?"
> 
>  
> 
> _"I was terribly angry…… [?] I think I was probably the most angry out of all the members and was freaking out."_
> 
> \- Ryota, [Musica: September 2012 Ryota Interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/38504106330/musica-september-2012-ryota-interview)  
>  _I really hate losing (laughs). It’s linked to my perfectionism, but I want to do things to the end because I hate losing._
> 
> -Tomoya, [Musica: September 2012 Tomoya Interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/39737748662/musica-september-2012-tomoya-interview)  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter~
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying the torukainktober coz I am! Hohohoho lots of fanarts blessing my day aaaahhhh
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“Alex-senpai sure is _late,_ huh…” Ryota pouted as he leaned on his elbows. Tomo-kun and he has been waiting for the lead guitarist in a local park for almost two hours now. After the show last night, they have agreed to wash away the effects of alcohol and greasy food by moving their bodies with a round of baseball, arcade games before eating lunch.

They were supposed to meet at six in the morning— _I know, I know, it’s crazy for a Sunday morning and Toru-nii would definitely kill me for that early schedule_ —but it’s already past eight. The sun is already high in the sky, and he’s getting distracted by the constant roaring of Tomo-kun’s stomach, _mou!_

“Haven’t’ you eaten yet, Tomo-kun?!” he snapped at the also-pouting drummer. He looks so forlorn, leaning and propping his chin on the butt of his baseball bat. “Your stomach’s really rumbling so loud!”

“I know….” The drummer drawled as he let out a long, suffering sigh, “But I was really hoping that I could drop by at Takahiro’s to eat but it seems that he’s still sleeping,” he shrugged, “He’s not answering my calls, that _brat!_ ”

“You really shouldn’t call him a brat, Tomo-kun...” he whined, “Mori-chan would kick your ass for that.”

“He can’t kick my ass if I will do it first!”

Ryota’s head whipped towards the direction of the drummer. That’s so bold! _Eh, since when did Tomo-kun developed some back bone?!_ He would always cower and run for his life after he unintentionally—if that’s really unintentional, because sometimes, _it looks like he’s really asking for it, mou!_ —insulted and spout shits towards the vocalist.

“You’re gonna kick his ass?!” he asked, eyes twinkling in _delight—not because_ he loves seeing Mori-chan getting kicked—no one could get away with hurting the vocalist without receiving his kicks and slaps, well, except for Toru-nii.

_I swear, Toru-nii is the only one who can manhandle Mori-chan without getting slapped back!_

He’s scary! Like a real leader!

For a moment, Ryota thought that his childhood friend would probably be a successful yakuza leader if he wants to, with those scary eyes and face.

 _Huh…That’s a dangerous thought,_ Toru-nii must never know that he ever thought of it or else. There will be dire consequences, and by _dire consequences,_ the rhythm guitarist might just smack him across his face—thrice just to be sure—or throw him towards the traffic. Or spread his childhood pic, whatever would satisfy his sadistic heart.

“That’s so brave of you, Tomo-kun!” he said, watching as the drummer stood up straight—chest out and stomach in—huffing as he twirled his baseball bat into the air, “You’ll really kick Mori-chan’s ass?”

Tomo-kun grinned, before suddenly frowning—

“Hell no,” he said in dread before brightening up again—the transition was too much that Ryota’s poor brain finds it hard to process the change of the drummer’s facial expressions.

“But you said—,”

“I will do it first,” he said and actually tried on kicking his own butt—which looks ridiculous by the way, “I’ll kick my ass like this!”

Mori-chan would definitely throttle the drummer into the ground and slap him senseless, Alex-senpai would laugh and Toru-nii would just watch them with his huge eyes and muttered how stupid they are but Ryota— _pure, naive little Ryota_ —cackled like fuck as the drummer made a complete fool of himself, sending dusts billowing around them.

There were high-pitched laughter’s ringing in the air, everyone looking at them weirdly, the adults shaking their heads in disapproval while kids just eyed them curiously, because two grown men giggling like that in the middle of the park is kinda rare at this time of the day.

“ _M-matte,_ Tomo-kun, ah,” Ryota doubled over, he felt like he just laughed out his intestines—if that’s even possible—before wiping away the tears from his eyes, “My stomach hurts from laughing! Stop that!”

“I’m a genius,” Tomoya said, beaming with pride, “I’ll even save Takahiro a lot of time and effort by kicking my own ass! And Alex’s too because he’s really, really late now! And I’m starving!”

_Wow, that was…quick._

Ryota slowly stood up and lanced across them, the lead guitarist is still not showing up. What if he’s really planning to ditch us? Or what if he had drunk too much las night and he’s still hung over as fuck today?!

“Do you think, he’ll even show up?” Ryota worriedly asked, “Maybe he’s hung over? Why don’t we go to his unit and bring him some food and manga?”

Tomoya tilted his head in contemplation, “You’re really a genius Ryota! We should do that! Let’s just bring that God-Hand Teru manga!”

“But isn’t it the primetime drama where Around the World Shone will be used?!”

“It is!” Tomo-kun smiled, “Isn’t it fun? The live action of a good manga would use our song! Maybe we’ll have more chance of that in the future?”

Ryota tilted his head at that. “Well, that’s good but we really should go to Alex-senpai—,”

He was cut off with the ringing of a familiar song. It was Tomo-kun’s phone, and wait, is that—

“Koukai Yaku ni Tatazu?!” he asked in disbelief as the drummer sheepishly fished out his phone from his cargo pants, “That’s your ringtone?!”

The drummer grinned at him, before looking down at the screen of his phone. He then frowned, and signal Ryota to be silent before putting the phone near his ear. _Who is that?_ Ryota casted his eyes on the dusty earth. He really wants to play and move around. they’ll be releasing a new single, all the songs were different from their previous ones and he could tell that they’ve somehow changed—that their musical style is shifting into something that all of them had wanted.

They’ll be playing in some huge places in the later part of the year too, and he’s scared because there will be a lot of people there. there was time when he was cowering in the corner of the stage, standing near the drum set because Tomo-kun is like his stone, his rock, and _ever-reliable support_ as a member of the rhythm section. He would just… _stand there_ , play the strings with his mind too nervous and his feet too scared to step away, step forwards, closer to the crowd like Mori-chan could easily do these days. He stood there, stiff as a rod, smiling sheepishly at the girls on the front row before looking down on his bass guitar again.

But now…

“ _Moshi moshi_ ,” he heard the drummer said, “Gocchan?”

 

 

* * *

  


  


The weather is nice—pink Sakura petals being carried away by the spring breeze past the two members, who are now sitting on the grassy patch of the park. Tomoya closed his eyes, letting the sunlight played on his skin. He’s missing Hyogo, the fishing town of Takasago where he was born. It’s ridden with factories but also has a lot of quiet shores where he and his brother would often play around during their childhood—back when everything was still so simple and alright.

Unlike now—

_“Godfuckingdammit!”_

His eyes snapped open as Ryota hurled his baseball bat on the ground across them. Fortunately, there’s no one walking around coz it’ll surely hurt anyone with the intensity of that throw. Ryota looks so angry, his face flushed, hair clinging on his face, as his eyes narrowed, tears prickling in their corners and angry—

 _He looked so angry_ —probably so angry because—

 

 

* * *

  


  


“Alex has been arrested,” he remembered Gocchan said during the phone call. It was brief, the manager’s voice clipped and tired, “You won’t be able to contact him since he’s being detained.”

“But—what—how—?”

Tomoya was at lost for words, because who wouldn’t be? Alex—the dumb fool—has been arrested!? For what? When?! They were together last night—drinking and laughing and celebrating and dreaming about the band’s future just a few hours ago and now, Gocchan is telling him that the lead guitarist has been arrested?

_Are you fucking kidding me?!_

The manager then filled him with the details but his brain had darted off somewhere—he must’ve looked stupid, he knows, because Ryota is looking at him with wide, worried eyes—eyes wide, as wide as he can muster, jaws slacked open as he rapidly loses all color from his face. his mind is racing—

_Alex was arrested._

The tour is cancelled.

The tie-up with the drama is cancelled.

_Alex was arrested._

The release of single is cancelled.

Their activities are halted.

The band must stay low— _Alex was arrested_ —might even be disbanded—

Repercussions—Alex— _Alex—_

Their lead guitarist, the one who loves aliens and baseball and manga—Alex—their bandmate, friend— _family—_

_Alex—_

* * *

__

_  
_

_  
_

“Why is this happening!” Ryota was screaming beside him, “This is so unfair! Why are they—why did Alex-senpai—! And they even cancelled our tour! All of our activities?! What are we gonna do for the time being, Tomo-kun,” he then turned towards the drummer, and never in his life, did he wanted Takahiro’s presence ever. Takahiro is _strong,_ Takahiro _can deal with this mess_ like how he did during his younger years, Takahiro would know what to do, _how to save the band and_ —, “Sit and watch how they’ll throw us away?! Throw the entire band away, just because of a stupid—stupid—,” and then the younger couldn’t take it anymore, he gripped his hair and screamed his lungs out, **_“AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”_**

Tomoya envies the bassist. He wants to scream his frustration too, wants to cry and howl for the apparent loss of their band—but what good would it do, well, aside from a sore throat and exhaustion? It won’t bring Alex back, won’t bring all those lives, and releases and opportunities that had slipped through their fingers just now.

_And I’m worried about Alex too…_

He’s not good—he knows that—even if he’s one of the oldest member—he still can’t run the band the way Toruge could. He wouldn’t be able to lift everyone up, talk to the management about schedule and shits, couldn’t even properly play the drums without missing a beat or something. Takahiro would always say that he’s a very talented drummer and that he’s really lucky that he had found Tomoya—but was it really worth it?

Tomoya feels at lost.

Ryota is right— _and he has every right to be angry_ —because after this, what’s next? Will they be told to wait and sit and watch as everything fell all round them? Will the management drop them because of this…this scandal? What about those years they spent building their names—from being an indie band to releasing singles that actually charted in the Oricon? What about the countless live performances they played in the live houses, in Club Quattro, in AX? What about Yokohama Blitz and Zepp Tokyo?

Will they be disregarded, all the goods overshadowed by a single bad thing that ever happened to them?

What about the memories, the nights spent into practicing and practicing, the days spent in making songs after songs? What about the after parties, the screaming’s in nervousness and thrill before playing? What about the fans waiting for their works?

_What about their dreams?_

Toruge has always been keen on playing in larger places, even overseas and Tomoya finds it amusing—because _the kid dreams big_ , and as a self-proclaimed big brother, it was his role to agree and help him achieve it— _until it becomes his own too_ —reaching heights he had never believed he can reach.

Would they be for nothing?

Just because...just because…

_And Alex—_

What would happen to him? Will he be imprisoned? Will he be dropping out of the band? Will he be accepted again after finishing his sentence? Or will he even have a band to go back to??

“If we ever get disbanded,” Ryota is probably an esper for suddenly saying what’s running on Tomoya’s mind at that very moment—which is so cool, gaaaah!!!—, “I swear to god, I’ll—I’ll—,”

The drummer wanted to ask on what the bassist is planning to do. He’s not cut for violence, with his frail frame and gentle nature, Ryota would definitely fall unconscious in face of their opponents, but this—this Ryota—he’s so mad he could even rival Takahiro’s mildly annoyed face—

_Or else what?_

“I’ll cry, ahhhh!!!!” he said before bursting into pitiful sobs. Tomoya’s heart clenched at that. He smacked his lips, desperately trying to keep himself from following the bassist’s example and just bawl over because he feels empty, helpless and hopeless—

He feels like someone had abandoned him—

But he was _still_ the older one here, the big brother when everyone else is breaking down and it’s his _role_ to comfort them, say silly things that would make them laugh and tell them that this will pass, and that everything’s gonna be alright. He would smile _, yes, grin like the motherfucking sun_ —as Takahiro would always say—and let the other hear his high-pitched giggles, influencing them to loosen up and just...give in and giggle like lunatics— _but this time he couldn’t._

_He couldn’t._

He despises losing.

He pulled Ryota by his shoulder, the bassist clinging to him like a child begging for comfort as he sobbed and wailed his frustrations out, tears and snot dripping on his face while Tomoya just nodded, nodded and looked away with teary eyes because at that moment—where he desperately needs his bright smile—he couldn’t.

Because that time, he really had felt that he had lost _everything._

And he hated it. Every fucking bit of it.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Tomoya had really used Koukai Yaku ni Tatazu as his ringtone. You can find it [here](http://karashuki.tumblr.com/post/77789523826/2007-one-ok-rock-60q-with-pati-pati)  
> .
> 
> -Everyshit was cancelled back then because of the incident. And they really couldn't contact Alex because he was detained.
> 
> Thanks for reading~! Any feedback would be very much appreciated~!


	67. I was King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I go down, I'll go down fighting,  
> Down like lightning"
> 
>  
> 
>    
>  _"When I first heard about it, I was like, oh, he really screwed up. [?] But of course, I thought about it for several hours. After that, we held off on the tour. If such a thing happened, he would definitely flee, so obviously the circumstances changed. [?] I could already completely see what was coming. And I thought, there’s no need to be down about it now, shouldn’t we just do what we have to do and move on? For example, changing all the arrangements for one guitar, and of course relearning those from the beginning. I could already clearly see those kinds of things that first day."_
> 
> — Toru, [Rockin on Japan, June interview](ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29232913009/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-4/amp)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been long overdue gaaah too much hiatuses and shitd
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is 5% fact, 1% perdonal experience/opinion. And 94% fiction.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Toru drowsily poured the steaming green tea into his cup as loud western music blasted from his laptop. He had woken up late, with a massive headache—like someone with a hugeass jackhammer was pounding it onto his head—and hung over. He can’t really recall most of the events last night— _this_ _morning_ —well, aside from those short kisses between him and Takahiro, because _how the fuck am I gonna forget that._

  
They were sweet, tasted like beer and shits, and they we’re obviously drunk enough to proclaimed their love for each other without any hesitation, for the whole world to hear. A faint reminiscent smile formed on his lips, before it was easily replaced by a scowl.

_Damn, his head hurts like fuck!_ He wonders if the vocalist is also feeling like this because it would be so unfair if he’s not having the headache of a lifetime.

  
Hmmm…

  
He silently trudged towards the couch—the one the said vocalist gave to him on his 19th birthday and plopped on it. He stared at the blank wall across him, feeling this…weird sense of content within him. Everything is going _smoothly_ , so according to all of their plans—the album has been released, their single has been recorded and they’re about to go to radio stations to promote it. Their relationship is not on the rocks anymore.

Everything is _fine_ …

  
_Maybe I should crash at his place tonight_ , he thought as he sipped the warm liquid, the effect was instantaneous—he can already feel better as the warmth seeped through his stomach and muscles, calming him for a bit, and making him forget how his skull seems to being torn into halves. _I want some curry…_

  
He should also plan for the _Hanami_. It was starting in the most places in Tokyo, the Sakura trees in full bloom, but he wants to wait until Taka’s birthday. The peak would be over by then but he wants to celebrate it with the man, because it’s a _special_ day. He’ll make Taka feel _loved_ and _special_ , even if the vocalist would probably have some allergic reaction or something due to the massive amount of pollens in the air.

  
He would have to search for the appropriate place too. Since the peak would be done at Taka’s birthday, it wouldn’t be nice if he would bring the vocalist in a park filled with green cherry blossom trees. _He might even have kicked me in the balls if I dared to do so._

Toru grimaced at the thought, his legs instantly closing on their own just by thinking how painful it would be. He promised _Hanami_ to Taka and he will sure as hell scour every places in Tokyo to find the right place.  
He would check it later, after his tea. Besides, he can’t really promise that he can now stare at the computer screen for a long period of time. His head still hurts, remember? But that doesn’t stopped his mind from thinking on how Taka would look under the pink trees—

  
He would _surely_ grin under his mask, he thought with a soft smile on his lips as he dazedly turned towards the window, then he would bring out some bento boxes which he personally prepared for their date— _it’s a date, right? Right_?!—and they would eat, surrounded by the spring breeze. Then they would sing, Taka belting out notes as Toru played the guitar for him—sure, there would be people looking, but _who_ cares? They looked like ordinary friends hanging out for the season so nobody would bat an eye on them.

  
Then they would get drunk in the nearest pub and staggered on their way back home. It would be a nice way to end the day, to end Taka’s birthday, and Toru would promise him another _forever_ —that he would stay with him, stand beside him as they gradually reach all of their dreams and ambitions.

  
He would do that— _would offer everything_ —because Takahiro deserves the _world_.  
He deserves a loving family who would be proud of him, deserves a band whom he would be comfortable playing with, deserves a crowd that sing with him, jump with him, follow his command on stage—he deserves _all the love and appreciation_ in the world and Toru would be more than gladly give it to him.

  
It sounds creepy, cliché and masochistic— _I_ _know_ , in fact he really wants to dash towards the bathroom and wash his brain with a soap—but seriously, Taka had gone through a lot. He’s not saying that they lived a good life, but compared to Takahiro’s?

  
They were all lucky teenagers who were bored about their daily lives—while Takahiro was already trying to move on, trying to get up from the mud he’s been dragged into.

  
He had _suffered_ enough.

  
He had _cried_ enough.

  
He had been _hurt_ enough.

  
And Toru doesn’t want to see him cry _anymore—even_ if he’s the reason for _it—doesn’t_ want to see him broke down into anxious fits, _doesn’t_ want to see him weak and unconfident and feeling inferior to everyone. He wants to see Taka stand proud and loud in the front most part of the stage, want to hear him sing while looking straight ahead, want to play his guitar only for him—again and again—until the strings snapped, until the skin on his fingers peeled off.

  
He would do _everything_ for him.

  
He steeled his resolve and drank more of the soothing tea, but then his phone rang. _The tyrant is probably awake by now_ , he thought as he lowered the volume of the music from the laptop, grabbed his phone and frowned when it was Gocchan’s name that was displayed on the screen.

  
_Gocchan? What does he want?_

  
He pursed his lips and answered the call, “Hello?”

  
“Toru?!” his brows furrowed in confusion when he was greeted by the hurried, overly stressed voice of their manager, “Thank God I’ve finally reached you!”

  
A dark, oppressing feeling settled at the pit of his stomach at that. He doesn’t know what’s happening, and maybe he’s just overthinking of stuffs, but he doesn’t like the tone of their manager. He sounds tired, exhausted, afraid, and morbid. What’s—what’s happening?

  
“Ah, hai,” he softly said, “What’s going on, Gocchan?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
Toru blankly stared at the blank wall across him. He can still remember staring at the exact spot, sitting on the same part of the couch just a few minutes ago—but now, instead of the contentment and growing excitement for their vocalist’s birthday, he is being drowned by a lot of thoughts about their lead guitarist, about his stupidity, about the repercussions of his actions, about the band, about their future.

  
Suddenly, he _wasn’t so sure_ of their dreams anymore.

  
It’s funny how a single phone call could ruin a perfect moment, funny how a single event can destroy everything they’ve been building up until now.

  
Just because Alex-senpai has been a _fool._

  
According to Gocchan, the lead guitarist has been arrested in Miyamaedaira Station just this morning. Apparently, Alex-senpai was drunk and is on his way home aboard the Tokyo Den-en-Toshi train through Kawasaki, Kanagawa when the incident happens.

  
Toru groaned, violently running his palms over his face in extreme stress, _we shouldn’t had left him alone. S_ houldn’t allowed him to go elsewhere.

  
_I should’ve asked him to come home with us—_

  
The reports said that Alex-senpai has been sitting next to a girl—a 21-year-old prep-student—when he touched her thigh, exposed by the short skirt she’s wearing. Naturally, the girl went to find help and it happened—fortunately or unfortunately—that there was a police officer riding the same train who was on his way to home.

  
“That was really, really a dumb move from him!” Gocchan snarled on the phone. Toru blinked, not really having comprehended what the manager had just said, “I’ve warned all of your brats to take it easy when it comes to alcohol and being perverts—you’re only starting to gain a name—and yet this happened! I’m not _banning_ you from drinking, but be responsible! I’ve told you countless of times, but did anyone of you listened?! No!”

  
Fear gripped Toru’s heart at that moment.

  
He was arrested in the Miyamaedaira Station for groping and violating Kanagawa’s public disturbance law and is being detained at the nearest station. All contacts have been lost and Gocchan is now receiving the pummeling of his lifetime from the higher ups. Amuse couldn’t prevent the articles from spreading, and at the moment, god knows how many rumors has been spread into the net.

  
Well, it’s _not_ like they’re a big band in the first place—no one would probably even give a fuck about them but the management—the single, the television drama, the nationwide tour—

  
Toru groaned again, louder this time. They have worked hard, day and night, and now that they would finally have a big tie-up, Alex-senpai just…waltzed in and messed it up?!

That’s so unfair! It’s—it’s—

  
“He even said something like,” Gocchan continued while Toru dumbly stared at the window, “ _she’s my type so I stupidly made a move on he_ r—goddammit, that dumb, dumb kid mou!”

  
Toru wanted to curl, to move into the deepest bow he could muster to their manager because Gocchan doesn’t deserve any of this—this shithole, this mess, the angry remarks from the management. He doesn’t deserve to be dragged down like this but what could he do, Alex-senpai is a fool. A fucking _perverted_ drunkard who couldn’t keep his hands to himself.

  
“But…but the girl,” Toru swallowed the painful lump into his throat, trying to find a way out of this mess—the easiest was to blame someone else—, “…she could’ve just moved away right? Or ask Alex-senpai to fuck off? Couldn’t she tell he’s drunk and not…totally sane or something?”

  
There was a brief silence before Gocchan spoke in a very serious, very disappointed voice, “can you _really_ hear yourself asking that, Toru?”

  
_God,_ Toru’s breath hitched at that. The questions were so soft yet it struck him— _like a thousand arrow, like a hundreds of swords impaling his guts—g_ uilt coming up and suffocating him like fuck at that moment.

  
“He was touching her thighs for five minutes,” he gritted out, “Five _fucking_ minutes. It’s easy for us to say on why didn’t she just kicked his balls, but do you know, Toru, how many women stay quiet when a drunk man is making a move on her in a public transportation?”

  
“But…but five minutes, Gocchan? And she couldn’t move or swatted his hands away?”

  
“Have you ever _experienced_ it, Toru? I bet she’s praying that Alex would just quietly retrieve his hand off her leg, I bet she’s thinking that no one would notice it? Do you know how scary it was? Looking, _praying_ and hoping that everyone would notice, that someone would come to your rescue because you don’t want to get blamed if you suddenly freaked out? But maybe she got finally fed up—god knows how long 5 minutes was for her—and finally made an action, and yet, you’re _blaming_ her?”

  
“N-no, I’m not—,”

  
“Then _what_ are you trying to say, Toru?” Gocchan muttered, obviously losing all his patience in their conversation, “What’s next? You’re gonna blame the girl for wearing a skirt?”

  
He paused, trying to collect all of his swimming thoughts but nothing came into his mind. He thought of the scandals like this on the western world, it probably won’t be a big deal like this—perhaps the incident would even make their popularity grow, make the people curious for their next single. He felt livid, thinking that the girl is just doing stuffs to ruin their career and that the Japanese law is such a bitch, but then…but then…there’s also this part of his mind telling him—quietly, probably his conscience—

  
_Just because they’re letting it off that easy in the US doesn’t make the act right._

  
It was _wrong_ , no matter how you look at it, Toru.

  
“The damage has already been done,” Gocchan finally declared, “Amuse will be calling for a meeting and sanctions would be given to the band—,”

  
“But—but that’s too harsh! Can’t we just—just—it’s just an action of one man! Why must the band have to suffer—,”

  
“You’re carrying the band’s _name_ wherever you go,” the manager sighed, “So let this be a _motherfucking_ lesson to each and every one of you. Don’t let this shit happen ever again. _Never again_ , you understand?”

  
He swallowed—hard and tried once more.  
“But—but actually drag the entire band—,”

  
Toru felt desperate. What could he say to defend the innocence of their lead guitarist when it’s blatantly obvious that he’s wrong? _How_ could he defend someone like that? But on the other hand, he couldn’t just accept anything that might happen to the band—this is his _band._ His _family,_ his _life—and_ he won’t back down just because of that stupid, stupid law—

  
“They’re talking about cancellation of activities, Toru.”

  
Toru’s heart jumped at that, skipping a beat for a microsecond before pounding too hard, too fast—it’s suffocating him, leaving him panting and breathless—

  
“We may not get the full brunt of the law but Amuse is serious on giving sanctions and to…you know…avoid further embarrassment that can be brought by your band’s name.”

  
He couldn’t breathe.

  
_Embarrassment?_

  
They’re now considered as an embarrassment by the management? But it was just one mistake, five minutes of foolishness—why must they all suffer like this?! This can’t be— _this can’t be real—_

  
_Maybe I’m just dreaming,_ he thought as he mindlessly ended the call. Gocchan was saying about how disbandment was also an option, and how he couldn’t contact the vocalist but he couldn’t bring himself to listen nor comprehend what’s’ being said anymore.

  
He feels numb.

  
How about them?

  
How about their dreams?

  
What would happen?

  
_Come on Toru, think!_ He snapped at himself, _You’re the leader—everyone will be counting on you, everyone would come to you so you must think—_

  
If there’s an appropriate time to finally use your sleeping brain cells, it’s now.

  
Now!

  
He took a deep breath. Once, twice—until he can somewhat feel his heartbeat turning into a steady rhythm. Okay…okay…first thing’s first.

  
Alex-senpai has been a fool. The damage has obviously been done. They have to think of the effects of this incident. People would definitely have got a hold of this news. Their opinions would vary, and Toru won’t blame the others for leaving them. It’s normal, people have different say on a single matter— _maybe because of their upbringings, maybe because of their personal experiences, maybe because of their beliefs and principles_ —and he’s fine with that. He winced, realizing that their fan base would probably go smaller after this.

  
Fine. Let it be like that.

  
Next is the single. They’re supposed to release it next month, the TBS series was supposed to air 2 weeks from now. they could push through it but Gocchan said that Amuse is considering on cancelling them.

_Fine,_ he clenched his teeth and glared at the wall. They’re the decision-makers after all, and seeing how small they’re still are, they don’t really have a say about the matter right now but soon—

  
There will come a time that they would bend to ONE OK ROCK’S will—when they get bigger in the future. Maybe not now, but soon. _I’ll make sure of that; we’ll make sure of that._

  
Okay, the songs…if…Alex-senpai would be suspended—kicked out at worst—they would have to rearrange the songs for a single guitar. It would be hard, but they can do it. They have to do it, slowly, _surely_ —because they won’t stop just because of this—never for something like this. They won’t go down—if they have to start another band from scratch, if they have to play in small live houses, book gigs by themselves and encounter hateful remarks from people all over again, then so be it.

  
They will not waver.

  
They’re stronger than this.

  
ONE OK ROCK is stronger than this.

  
They could…

  
He and _Taka_ would make sure of that…

  
…

  
…

  
Toru’s eyes darted on the phone lying innocently on the coffee table. Takahiro is probably awake by now and he had probably heard the news so why…why isn’t there a single message or phone call from him…?

  
Flashes of the past flooded his mind—the rumor involving Taka during his younger years, the consequences of his actions, him leaving the entertainment world, the rumors about his parents’ divorce, the crushing of all the confidence left in his system—the way he broke down into tears in front of Toru, his eyes filled with fear and desperation at the thought of disbanding before, at the thought of never being enough, at the thought that they would fuck up. Taka slapping him when Toru announced that he’ll leave the band, just because of their fist kiss—his lashing outs, his words—

  
_Taka…_

  
—and now this—

  
Anxiety crashed onto Toru as he grabbed his phone and dialed the vocalist’s number— _how are you doing? Have you heard the news? How are you taking it? It’s not the end—we’re not ending this—we’ll be alright; we’ll go through this—don’t---don’t cry—_

  
_Takahiro—_

  
He dialed—again and again—for god knows how many times, only to be answered by the resounding beeps on the other line.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most if the facts and reactions were based from this [article](https://uwasako.livejournal.com/45896.html)  
> And from the contents of its comment section.
> 
>  
> 
> Any feedbacks would be very much appreciated~! Thanks for reading~


	68. Right by your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Too many scars  
> Too many fears  
> You have to carry on  
> ’cause I know it’s still not enough"
> 
>  
> 
> _“Okay, got it. Thanks.” (When I heard the news) I nearly collapsed, but after a cry, calling my parents, and seeing Toru’s face, I was okay. That was quite a realistic talk._
> 
>  
> 
> \- Taka, [Rockin'On Japan: June OOR Interview ](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29232913009/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter~
> 
>  
> 
> Also, this has been planned along with the other events before I wrote Reason. While analyzing Taka's tattoos with a friend before, I told her the reason why Taka's bat tattoo has never appeared in the story, even though it was made during the Beam of Light era. It's because I was waiting for this moment, almost for a year now. It was all planned but then, I realized that the tattoo was not made after Alex's incident but rather after the Quattro Shibuya show and before the Shibuya AX show. It was so frustrating gaaaaaah.
> 
> Anyways, warning ahead for implied self-harm.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing and this is just a work of fiction, probably 99% of the chapter is all made up.

“Fuck!”

Toru cursed as he rushed through the stairs, his feet taking two steps at a time as he raced towards the familiar unit of their vocalist. It is overcast, the sky blue as the summer’s, but the breeze was still cold, the scent of newly bloomed flowers and cherry blossoms lingering in the air. It was pretty, relaxing—soothing—but Toru couldn’t bring himself to take a glance, to pause and savor the early April weather because Taka—

Takahiro—

_He’s not responding to my calls nor Gocchan’s—_

He was supposed to be up and screaming and crying right now—

He was supposed to be anxiously clinging to Toru right now, needing for reassurances and directions—asking for the leader to hold him and tell him that everything would be fine—but he’s not—

It was silent—

_Too silent—_

_I don’t want that,_ he thought as he panted through the corridors, his legs creaming at him to stop, just stop and just walk—the vocalist’s unit won’t run the fuck away but _he couldn’t_ —because at this moment, he knows, he feels that Taka is suffering—

That he is crying all over again, hunched on his form, like he had _always_ done in the past.

_I thought I had changed it—I thought that he had saved him_ —but that was—that was probably just his helpful thinking, because—

At that moment he felt helpless. _Hopeless._

Feels like no matter what he does, no matter how hard he had tried, things can still fuck Takahiro up—things can still make him cry and burst into fits—and he felt actually foolish to think that he could save a single person from all the miseries of this world, to think that he had saved Takahiro—

How _naïve._

How _stupid._

_Stupid, stupid fucking keys!_

He groaned as he tried the duplicate he had for the vocalist’s unit. He had always known that a day would come that those keys would be useless—and had proven them countless of times when the bastard was drunk or just too lazy to walk on his own feet—

_He should be proud of me for my efficient thinking!_

He should be—

Toru pushed the door open, revealing a very dark, very silent genkan.

_Huh?_

His movements slowed down as he tried to regain a steady rhythm of breathing. There was no one in the house, but Taka’s shoes are neatly arranged in the genkan. It’s weird. And there’s this…thick, dark atmosphere hanging on all of the corners of the house—it was suffocating Toru and the fact that the vocalist is nowhere to be seen just added into his growing anxiety.

_Where is he?_

He took a step forward, toeing off his shoes in the process, and casually leaving them on the floor. Taka would gladly attack him with a shovel for that but he couldn’t care less—not when the usually loud and teasing man is nowhere to be found.

_Where are you?_

The living area was devoid of the vocalist, the kitchen and dining where everyone usually hangs out—the entire band sitting and eagerly waiting for the meal, like kids—yelling and singing and banging on the table—while Taka dutifully filled their bowls, the steam from the meals making his cheeks blush with pretty scarlet.

Toru’s breath hitched at that—at the images filling his mind—

The countless breakfasts, lunches and dinners they spent on that table, with Tomoya eating loudly and appreciatively, Ryota silently stealing food from everyone—except for the vocalist’s coz _he’s scared as fuck_ —Toru humming in delight and Taka just watching at them like a fucking mother hen, his grin wide and bright as he told everyone to slow down, _there’s more! And you should praise me more coz I don’t wanna brag but goddammit, I’m a great cook! —_

And there would be Alex-senpai, rebutting whatever Taka had said—starting a fight, with Tomoya getting involved and smacked, Ryota leaning away while holding his bowl and Toru just dazedly watching everyone—then Alex-senpai would start to run away because that’s what you do when the vocalist starts to act a bit too murderous, threatening to stab the lead guitarist with his chopsticks—

And then suddenly, the scenery was _gone—_

Replaced by an empty dining table in a dark, somber hall. The sounds ceased—the clanking of utensils against porcelain bowls, the loud chatters, the snaps here and there, the scraping of the chairs on the floor, the laughter ringing into the air—gone—

Everything was gone—

_Kriiiiiing!_

Toru jumped at the sound of the telephone ringing— _fucker scared the hell out of me!_

The sound was coming from the bedroom, and he trailed towards that. There’s no way in hell that Taka would survive another minute of hearing that loud, shrilly sound! He padded, heart thumping beneath his ribcage as he pushed the door open.

There was, again, silence. Aside from the ringing of the phone, there was pure silence—but the bed was unkempt, the blankets were all over the floor and everything is a mess. It looks…it looks like someone had stampeded the entire room! he can see CD cases thrown, littering on the floor, the night stand beside Taka’s bed was pushed down, spilling all of its contents—accessories, jewelries and other unopened boxes. The phone was ringing again but Toru couldn’t focus on that because what the fuck had happened into this room?!

It was…terrible, really.

Taka hates mess, and would always kick Toru’s butt for loitering or not keeping things in order so seeing his once _pristine_ room like this—

The phone was ringing again, and god if he wasn’t just to absorbed on…looking at the mess across—no, _surrounding_ him—he would not hesitate the fling the goddamned device out of the fucking window! It was too much! But then—but then—

Amidst the loud, piercing and totally annoying sound, Toru had heard something—

A soft, soft sniffling— _weak, and drowned by the devilish phone_ —coming from the adjoined bathroom. He perked up at the sound—he’s here, Taka is here! —and before he can realize it, he’s already crossing the distance between him and the bathroom. Taka must probably be having the shit— _pun intended_ —of his life, and that’s better rather than being MIA in this stupid situation—

But then, he pushed the door open only to see another terrible mess—broken glass shards littering, glistening like pretty diamonds under the soft light, there was water pooling on the cold, cold floor, towels were around him and there was _red._

So much red, Toru had to leap back—past the threshold to stare—gape, _gawk_ —at the pure chaos in front of him.

“No more…no more…”

Because he had found _him._

Found Takahiro—in the middle of all this mess, Takahiro was on the floor, not caring of the water sloshing around him—ruining and drenching his clothes—slouched down, surrounded by broken glasses, his hands covering his face, gripping his hair so tight, his body shaking, his _entire being_ crying.

And it hurts.

Toru’s heart felt like it was getting sliced—like it was getting peeled off— _one thin flesh at a time_ —it hurts so fucking much seeing Takahiro like that.

Defeated.

Crushed.

_Broken._

It wasn’t supposed to be like this—

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—,” he was muttering, softly, roughly, as sobs wracked his frame mercilessly, _“I’m so sorry—_ ,”

“Taka,” he stammered as he finally mustered the strength to move, to breath, to reach out—he slowly tiptoed towards the vocalist, the man doesn’t move, doesn’t even acknowledge that the guitarist was there—he was just… _there_ —crying and sobbing like everything has been lost, that everyone has left but he’s here, _Toru was here,_ he wanted to say, “I’m here—,” he started as he crouched down, the water drenching his socks and pants, “I’m...”

_I’m sorry I took so long._

_I’m sorry that I was busy reminiscing earlier._

_I’m sorry I got scared—_

_I’m sorry—_

“I’m…” he croaked, ugly and hoarse as he grabbed the man’s arms, careful of his left wrist, the red liquid slowly trickling from the broken flesh, “I’m here—,”

Taka slowly— _oh so slowly_ looked up from huddling over his knees, Toru’s breath hitching as he watched—and waited—as the recognition flickered on those red-rimmed almond-shaped eyes—slowly, _agonizingly slowly_ , Takahiro finally responded—

More tears welled up from his eyes, brows scrunched up in despair, cheeks heavily flushed, wet and sticky and his mouth pulled down in a helpless frown as he turned his body towards him—

“Toru-san…?” his voice cracked, “Toru-san—,” he hiccupped, frail, shaking hands clutching at Toru’s clothes as he stared at his face with wide, glassy eyes—like he couldn’t believe that he was there, like a thirsty, dying man in a dessert in front of an oasis—like someone who spent too much time in the dark, being finally able to see the glimmer of light—

And Takahiro broke down once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad that I wasn't expecting too much for the countdown hohohohoho 
> 
>  
> 
> Any kind of feedback would be very much appreciated. Thanks for reading~!


	69. NOBODY'S HOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nobody’s home, yeah  
> Nobody’s home, yeah  
> That day I threw away absolutely everything and set off  
> If I let myself remember, at that time  
> You gave my back the powerful push it needed"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been too loooong and now that December has come and so is the end of DREAMERS hohohohoho~
> 
> Warning: Implied Self-Harm, triggering thoughts that might make you feel uncomfortable.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing and this is purely fabricated.

He doesn’t really _want_ it to be like that—to resort to something like this but the pain was _too much_ —it’s hard to breath, and even after talking to his parents—calling them one after another to inform them of the news—

Because _contrary to popular belief,_ he _still_ wants them to know what’s happening to their firstborn, no matter how _shitty_ it had become. He thought that he was done being the _ultimate_ disappointment, he thought that maybe, in the future, he would call them and tell them about their newest lives and upcoming singles and albums— _only the good things_ because Taka had been so sure, had firmly believed that everything would be _alright_.

But then the incident happened, and he was nothing but another disappointment once more. His parents just laughed it off, _saying that it was always like this_ , as if they’re expecting Takahiro to fuck up—even if it’s not what they actually meant, Taka was so confused and hurting, that he couldn’t really tell what’s happening anymore—

Then he cried—smashed his entire bedroom and bathroom, wanting nothing but to escape—the whole world would know it, the whole world would _talk about it_ , the whole world would _ridicule_ them—say nasty stuffs to Alex and the entire band—and he _doesn’t want to be there_ to witness that, he doesn’t want to witness the _fall_ , doesn’t want to experience more of this numbing pain—

_He wants out—_

He wants to be released and escape—

Because when you thought, everything’s alright and going smooth— _that’s when the universe would decide to fuck you up_ —kick your ass—leave you in the dust to longingly stare at the future you have dreamt of.

And so, when he raised that shard, there was only one thing in his mind—

_I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want to be hurt anymore, I’m tired—so tired—_

But he was also a coward, scared of pain—the slash wasn’t _that_ deep, but enough to break the skin and allow blood to seep out. It was painful, huts and stings like a bitch but he was so tired— _god he was so tired_ —so he just stayed there, crying and sobbing—wailing and longing for everyone—anyone— _to Toru-san_ —to come and get him—

_Come and save him—_

Because he wouldn’t able to take this—if they got disbanded, if he goes back to his monotonous life at all. He had been saying it in the past before, but it’s true— _he will surely die if ONE OK ROCK would cease to exist—_

It was his solace, his band, his family—his life. And to take it away from him? He’ll die. _Totally dead._

He doesn’t know what to do—who to believe.

He wants to kick Alex—slap and punch that annoyingly ikemen face of his—wants him to rot for being immature, for tarnishing the name of their band, for dragging every one of them into the mud—but at the same time, he was his friend—he was _family._

And a family doesn’t abandon each other in times of need.

He wants to go to him, ask him if he’s being treated alright, if he’s alright, how he’s faring but _goddammit,_ he couldn’t because he’s being detained and they couldn’t contact him. He was an immature prick, but he was _ONE OK ROCK’s immature prick_ and that made Taka howl even harder because he missed everyone, missed even that bastard, missed Toru-san and all the memories they’ve spent together—so young, so naïve, so sure of the future—

Now that he’s thinking of it, maybe…maybe he _shouldn’t have_ taken Toru-san’s offer back then—maybe he should’ve just shoved him away, enclosed with his high, mighty wall—alone by himself in the dark confines of himself. If not, then maybe… _maybe_ he’s still working a lousy job right now, going home to a bare, dark unit, working for the sake of living, of paying the bills and surviving yet another boring day. Maybe he would still be there in the small live house, singing with a sick feeling twisting down his gut, not confident enough to raise his eyes, to sing while looking forward—

_Maybe he would still be miserable._

But Toru-san came and made him experience all the stuff he had never thought he would see, taste, feel. Made him went to places, made him make music he had never dreamt of making, listening to hundreds and hundreds of songs. Made him dream—for a better future, for a higher stage— _made him feel alive._

And this incident—it’s like a nice, nice dream morphing into a nightmare—like the stable rug he’s been standing on has been abruptly pulled out under his feet.

If he hasn’t accepted that hand—if he hadn’t taken that hand Toru-san offered to him—maybe, he wouldn’t experience this pain too?

_But…_

How about the people he had met? How about the songs they’ve made? How about the memories they’ve shared?

And Taka started crying once more, because no matter how painful and bitter the feelings he’s having at the moment, he’s not willing to let go of those moments.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

“What should we do, Toru-san?” he asked after finally calming down. He had realized that they managed to get out of those wreckage and had went to the living area. They’re now sitting on the couch, with Toru-san dutifully wrapping a bandage on his wrist.

“Well, first, we need to make sure that you won’t get yourself infected— _ooof!”_

Taka elbowed the man with his injured arm, glaring at him with red, puffy eyes. How can be the leader so calm despite the chaos they’re into? How can he still spout jokes like that, as if the world isn’t crumbing all around them?!

“I-I’m serious about this, Toru-san!” he croaked out, scowling when a lopsided smile graced the man’s thin lips, “I will kick your ass if you continue smirking like that!” he threatened, “I’m serious, don’t fucking test me!”

The leader finally finished on wrapping the thin bandages around his left wrist—taken from his first aid kit, he wasn’t even aware that he has it, well, not until now—before letting go of his hand to lean back on the couch.

“I’m also serious about this Taka, but really, there’s no need to _cry a river—,”_

He jerked his feet towards the guitarist but the fucker probably developed some...insane ninja skills because he readily grabbed it and instead yanked him by his ankle to allow his legs to rest on the younger’s lap.

He gave him a dirty, bland look.

“What the _fuck.”_

“—anymore,” Toru-san grinned and collected his other feet from the ground, “What’s done has been done. Alex-senpai has been a fool, yes, but we should now focus on the things we should do for the future—,”

_Right._

“—and the thing you did earlier,” he said, giving Taka a long, confused look, “What have you done, Takahiro?”

He inwardly cringed at the sound of his name passing from those lips. He couldn’t stand it, and he got this urge to hold his injured wrist. Why indeed? Now that he’s out of the drowning emotions, now that he had seen Toru-san’s face—he felt foolish. To actually end things like that?

_Was he that selfish?_

How about everyone who cares for him, how about his parents, his brothers, his band mates? _How about Toru-san?_

Toru-san who’s gazing at him longingly, with heavily-lidded eyes filled with worry and agony—Toru-san who _came_ for him just when he’s about to _leave_ everything?

“I—,” he started as he stared at the white bandages around his wrist, it feels like a brand, a forever reminder of his weakness, “I don’t know what to and…and I was really scared that—that—,”

“We’re all scared Takahiro,” he inwardly flinched when the man roughly exhaled, “But maybe we just have different thresholds of what shits we can take, right? I’m not blaming you for what you did, but can you promise me not to do it again?”

As if, Taka snorted, but instead of responding in a rude manner, he just shrugged and timidly nodded. Like he would do this shit ever again. One moment foolishness is enough, one moment of selfishness is enough—he has to move on and forward—especially when Toru-san is here—

Now that Toru-san is here—

Toru-san who’s gently taking his bandaged hand and running his calloused finger over the injury. He looks like he’s about or cry too, but being the strong leader he is, he just glared the fuck out of his wound like it hand personally offended him or something.

“Promise me,” he repeated, this time, looking straight right through him. Taka’s breath lodged up on his throat at the intensity of the leader’s gaze, and he wonders, once more, how strong this man could be. He was everything Taka wasn’t. Toru-san was strong when Taka is crumbling down, Toru-san was looking forward, moving on, when Taka wanted nothing but to escape back behind his walls.

Tears welled up from his eyes—mou, when will I stop crying like a wuss?! I don’t wanna be remembered as the crybaby vocalist in this story, goddammit!!!—before he croaked out his answer, “H-hai,” he mumbled in a shaky voice, “I promise…I won’t…”

He watched as the guitarist’s shoulders sagged in visible relief, finally letting go of his wrist.

“Good,” he said, “That’s good. But…what are we gonna say to the other members about that?”

Taka dumbly stared at the man, “About what?”

Toru-san blankly stared back at him, “About your wrist, idiot.”

The vocalist gulped and stared at his bandaged wrist, he doubts that Tomoya and Ryota would be that dumb to accept any excuses—they’re idiots, but not that stupid, especially the drummer who has this annoying perceptive skills—Taka would make, so maybe…maybe he should just tell them the truth?

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“I’ve got a tattoo,” Taka blandly declared the moment the two members rushed into his unit, heaving and panting and nearly hysterical about the news. After calming down, they noticed the bandages around his wrist, and probably had the minds to ask what happened to it, crying that the vocalist had better not to leave them too or else—

Three pairs of eye stared at him.

Especially those heavily-lidded eyes, as if silently asking him on _what the fuck are you doing, you idiot?! I thought you’ll gonna tell them the truth?!_

That made Taka inwardly scoffed because that’s what he’s planning to do, too! But when he saw how desperate, how scared the other members are, while crying and asking him on what the hell would they do now, all of his resolve crumbled into fucking pieces like a mighty sand castle being mercilessly washed away by the waves.

He…Taka couldn’t say it to them, couldn’t muster the strength to show his weakness when the two were here to seek reassurances. He wanted to be like Toru-san—strong and calm and goal-driven—wanted nothing but the best for the band and for the members. So he lied, and he would probably regret it later, but who cares?

Tomoya and Ryota blinked once more, before erupting in awed shrieks—the chaos of their lives and future momentarily forgotten. Taka grinned, telling them that he would show it to everyone once it dried up or something.

“But why are you covering it, Mori-chan?” Ryota asked in wonder, “Are you supposed to do that on new tattoos?”

Taka—knowing shit about tattoos—visibly flinched before he just loudly laughs, the sound so forced and harsh it made even himself cringe upon hearing it. He ignored Ryota’s question. Tomoya, on the other hand was just looking at him—his eyes were red-rimmed but he looks fine—well, better than Takahiro, which is good—

“What’s the design, Taka-chan?”

Taka’s laugh abruptly halted at that question. He stared at the drummer, mouth wide agape as his mind run five miles a second to reach an acceptable response—but all he can see was darkness—and all that he can feel was guilt for lying to his band mates’ face—but it’s already been done, he just has to man up and move until that lie becomes a reality—

“A _bat_ ,” he answered after a noticeable silent.

He heard a loud, disbelieving snort behind the glass doors leading to his balcony, “I can fucking hear you, Toru-san!” he screeched, knowing that the guitarist is there, inhaling a shit-ton of smoke and probably smirking for Taka’s pathetic attempt to lie. “Don’t fucking snort or I’ll push you off the railings—,”

Another snort.

Taka felt livid.

_I will fucking end him—_

“Eh, _matte, matte,_ Mori-chan!” Ryota was instantly clinging onto his pants, almost pulling it down from his waist, “Don’t kill Toru-nii! He’s our only guitarist right now! What will happen to us if you actually killed him!”

Taka blankly stared down at the bassist. Maa, he’s got a point.

“Besides,” Tomoya said, gripping his shirt, the idiot almost ripping the fabric into pieces, “We’re more interested on your tattoo! We want to have some in the future too!”

Taka cringed, right. Tattoo. These idiots are more interested on the design of his tattoo. His _non-existent_ tattoo.

“Maa,” he swallowed— _hard_ —before smacking the two, “Let go of my clothes, you idiots!” he said, righting the shirt and shorts before he faced the two members who were eagerly staring at him, waiting for his response or something. Taka felt himself shit kittens at the unwanted attention he’s gathering from the two. _Dammit, why did I even lied in the first place?! Look where you brought your fucking ass, Takahiro!_

“It’s a bat...” he repeated, because why the fuck not, “coz _ano nee,_ even if…even if it’s completely dark…” he stuttered, obviously stalling as his mind worked triple-time to form words, to form any coherent, sensible response—which is very, very difficult when you have three pairs of eyes— _wait, three?!_

He blanched when he noticed that Toru-san is now leaning on the door jamb, arms crossed over his chest and an unlit cigarette dangling between his thin lips—and was already starring at Taka, listening as he made a complete fool of himself.

 _I will really push you to death,_ he mentally vowed—which is an amazing feat, by the way, considering how much his brain is getting the torture of its life at the moment— _and it would fucking hurt._

“…even if it’s pitch black everywhere, the…the uh, bat can still manage to…fly and go to its destination, ne?”

He was met with a blank, heavily lidded pair of eyes, and two completely amused pairs. And oh, there’s also this silence. a short, tensed, terrifying silence—that prompts Taka to continue speaking, even if his brains is already screaming at him to _stooooop, you dimwitted-fool—_

“It’s—It’s like us, you know?” he can feel his inner self face palm at his stubbornness, “We’re in the…in the dark right now, but we…we will still see our ways? We will still be able to…see the path and…and continue to reach our dreams?” he hopefully smiled at the two.

…

…

“ _Uwaaaah!!!”_ Taka jumped back when the two suddenly burst out screaming, latching on his clothes—again—and wiping their snots and tears _—, “holy fuck, get off of me you fuckers, Gaaah!! This shirt is expensive!!!”_ he whined, pushing Tomoya’s face away. But much to his horror, the two just merely cling to him and cried and laughed, saying stuffs like “You’re really the best Mori-chan, you’re such a genius!” and “You should always speak to our MC’s in the future but let’s eat first coz I’m starving Gaaah!!!”

And Taka— _amidst the mess and loud noises surrounding him_ —felt at ease, for the first time since waking up that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit parts/lines taken from articles and interviews:
> 
>  
> 
> _"The first thing I did was go to the restroom and call my parents. “I might be causing you trouble again, sorry,” I said. Both of them said, “It’s always the same” (laughs)... “Okay, got it. Thanks.” (When I heard the news) I nearly collapsed, but after a cry, calling my parents, and seeing Toru’s face, I was okay. That was quite a realistic talk."_
> 
>  
> 
>  _"But he was arrested, so we couldn’t contact him. “I give up….” So our state of mind was quite terrible. I didn’t know what that was. Lots of things happened, and I couldn’t be alone. I cried and didn’t know what to do."_  
>  \- Taka, [Rockin on Japan, June 2012 bandinterview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29232913009/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-4)
> 
>  
> 
>  _"He (Taka) asked, “What should we do?”_  
>  \- Toru, [Rockin on Japan, June 2012 band interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29232913009/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-4)
> 
> -The meaning of the bat tattoo, was obviously, just my fucked up interpretation of the symbol. I know that it's not actually following the canon timeline anymore but pssssh work of fiction, my friend. Also, there's something intriguing because Japanese fans were attributing this to a quote Taka had APPARENTLY said before: 
> 
>  
> 
> _“I want to sing with intuition to adventure in invisible places.”_
> 
>  
> 
> Further discussions about the possible meanings of the tattoos can be found [here](https://beyondlinesandwords.wordpress.com/2018/05/27/taka-moriuchi-tattoos-and-its-possible-meanings-2008-2011/)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading~! Please tell me your thoughts, too, ne?


	70. P.P.S.H.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Please Please Stay Here Oh  
> Anytime everyday I miss you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This arc would have a lot of repetitive thoughts, and you might get fed up with Taka being a wimpy kid, but hey, he was unstable during this time and I really tried my best to portray that gaaaah but then again, forgive me for the OOC-ness of the characters. This era, I think, is the biggest turning point for them so yeah...
> 
> P.S. Also, it's cold gaaah I'm always down with a fever these days, I hope that everyone in every part of the world is doing alright~
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. OOR is and will never be mine.

_Of course_ , not everything went fine after that. They fixed the mess Taka did—the two obediently cleaning up the place, while Toru-san cleaned the bathroom. Taka wouldn’t let the two near the uh, _let’s just call it “the crime scene”_ so he demanded the guitarist to man up and clear it up. The leader looked like he’s a second from strangling Taka to death, but after glancing at him for a moment, Toru-san reluctantly obeyed—but not without muttering “tyrant” under his breath. Taka was then tasked to prepare the meal—good thing he has plenty of stocks—actually, he had just gone for grocery yesterday so food was no problem. He had done it countless of times, and he worked methodically this time since he as easily lost inside his own thoughts.

 _So much for the words I said earlier,_ he thought, putting the bowls of rice on the table. Everyone is already washing their hands and padding towards the dining area—the sound comforting Taka’s senses in a weird way. _I should get a tattoo, now that I spouted all those bullshits. But I’ll think about it later, for now—_

He snapped back to reality when he realized that everyone suddenly went still and silent. He blinked, looking down at the empty spot where he laid the fifth bowl—Alex’s usual spot. Everyone was looking at that too, before worriedly glancing up at him.

“I—,” Taka gulped, desperately trying to fight off the tears, “I’m so—,”

“Lemme eat that, Taka-chan!” Tomoya cut him off, grabbing the bowl and pouring all the contents into his own. Taka watched the drummer, and his false energy as he tried to distract Takahiro from having another breakdown. Toru just sighed and sat on his chair, while Ryota nudged him to do the same. He did, and stared at the vacant spot on his left—the spot where the crazy, manic, perverted guitarist always sat.

He gulped the painful lump in his throat as he uttered a small thanks before indulging on the food.

It was the _most horrible_ meal they ever had in that unit.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The sun set and the moon rose, as well as Taka’s growing anxiety. They still couldn’t contact the lead guitarist and Gocchan told them to patiently wait for the decision of the higher ups—the manager sounds so exhausted, his voice cracking but hearing him actually calmed everyone for a moment. But that calmness was always fleeting—the clock never ceased to move and they were just…there—

Sitting, staring off the space, doing nothing.

They should be at the studio at this hour, or maybe in a radio station—Taka and Toru promoting their newest single. They should be in a live house today—in Zepp Tokyo or somewhere else—probably eating ramen in their favorite shop, celebrating, singing, playing the sounds they all loved so much not—

_Not like this—_

So when everyone finally stood up to leave, hugging Taka like he’s the one who’s into the mess—Taka felt like the walls were closing onto him once more. He gasped, biting on his lower lip as he waved the two idiots go while Toru-san is tying the laces of his shoes—no, no, he won’t cry again—no more, he had spent so much time crying and being a pathetic wuss and he won’t cling onto his members just because—

“D-don’t,” he heaved as he looked down on the guitarist—Toru-san looking up at him, confusion marring his already exhausted features—fingers clenched into fists on his sides as he took shallow breaths, “Don’t go—don’t— _don’t leave me—,”_ he said, choking on his own tears—but even before he could burst into another sobbing fit, he was already enveloped in a bone crushing hug, Toru-san, with only one shoe properly laced, immediately bolted up to embrace him, his calloused hand running on his back—up and down—as Taka wheezed and heave—his fingers almost turning white as they fisted the ruined clothes, burying his tear-streaked face on the guitarist’s chest as he cried once more.

_Don’t leave me._

_Don’t leave me here—don’t leave me alone with my thoughts coz I—_

_I—_

The silence will _kill_ him, the darkness would _suffocate_ him, the memories would _beat_ him and the regrets and the thoughts of their missed opportunities, of their future crumbling down into pieces would _pierce_ Taka’s soul one sharp knife at a time.

He doesn’t want to be alone—doesn’t want to be left behind—

_Not now—_

“Shhh, Shhh,” was Toru-san’s voice softly speaking right beside his ear—, “It’s alright, I’m here, I won’t go—,”

— _not ever—_

He had thought it before—that before he joined this band, he was craving for a place to call home, for friends who would stay by his side—he was craving to be pampered, to be cared for, to be loved—and now—now that he had everything he ever wanted, why is the universe trying to take it all away from him?

He doesn’t know how long they stayed in that position, how long they remained standing in that dimly-lit genkan. But once Taka had calmed down—listening to the steady rhythm of the younger’s heart beat—he was led to the couch, sitting beside Toru-san who was fussing over him, gently running his calloused hands on his flustered cheeks, wiping the tears away by his thumbs and smiling down at him—strongly, reassuringly, calmly.

Taka feels like a fool, for breaking down like that, but more importantly—he feels this…this overwhelming respect for their leader—

_And love—_

There’s love—he can see it, even with blurry as fuck vision—the way Toru-san would lean closer, the way he gave gentle touches on his face, on his back, the way those normally expressionless eyes brim with worry, with concern, with tenderness—he can see it—

And maybe that’s probably why—amidst all the fuckeries happening all around them—Taka leaned closer, closer still until the tip of their noses touched, until they were breathing the same air, until he can see every flicker of emotion on the guitarist’s dark, dark eyes—

“You won’t leave me, right…?” he mumbled, almost breathless. For a moment, he thought that Toru-san would smack him across his face because he looked quite insulted, but even before Taka could backed the fuck off, he felt the guitarist’s hand rest at the back of his skull as he pulled him closer to oh—

_Oh._

The pair of chapped, quivering lips met in a very slow, very careful manner—unlike their previous…kissing sessions, this was soft, this was full of worry, this was full of love and concern and everything that conveyed their feelings—their yearnings, their _promises—_

It was so soft, but Taka could feel himself drowning—wanting nothing but to feel the guitarist, bask in his warmth, fill all of his sense with Toru-san—Toru-san and only Toru-san—until he can forget everything, until he can only hear him, feel him—

But to his immense displeasure, Toru-san pulled away, his thumb caressing the corners of his mouth. Taka let out a needy whimper, wanting to be closer, but the guitarist smiled at him—concern marring his usually stern features. He looked so good Taka that Taka couldn’t decide if he wants to punch that annoyingly handsome face or kiss it senseless.

“We’re both tired,” the leader breathed out, making Taka scowled.

“Obviously,” he snorted.

“—and we’re not supposed to be doing this right now,” he said in a soft voice but it dropped like a fucking bomb on Taka’s hearing because what the fuck, is this really Toru-san? His Toru-san?

He narrowed his eyes, “Who are you and what have you done to my Toru-san?!” he gasped in accusation, making the man backed the fuck away in fear for his life—or eardrums, because Taka’s voice was so high—

“What the hell are you talking about now?”

He eyed the man, from head to his—Taka would want to see his toe but his eyes, instead, landed on the man’s crotch—his eyes widening in horror when he realized that the guitarist is not…sporting a boner even after they kissed! That’s…that’s _blasphemy!_

“My Toru-san is a huge pervert!” he screeched, inching away from the confused leader, “ _He’s a hentai through and through—,”_

“Stop screaming it to the whole world, you dumbass—!”

“—and he won’t let a session of fucking pass by like that!”

Toru-san stared at him, and stared at him for more minutes before he finally sighed and shook his head, as if he had reached the threshold of Taka-bullshits he can tolerate for today.

“We’re tired Taka,” he slowly said—as if he’s speaking to a child, which, naturally offend Takahiro—, “We had a long day and my dick is not really in the mood for some action—,”

Taka’s eyes instantly zoomed in to the leader’s crotch—

“—Don’t fucking look at it like that!”

“Then, don’t fucking speak of it so _casually_ like that!”

“—fucking—,” the man ran his fingers through his still long, annoying hair, “anyways, maybe we should just rest and get some hours of sleep?”

The leader said that with so much conviction and yet, all that Taka could do was to gape at the man because he couldn’t understand?! I mean, is he tired of me? That’s why he doesn’t wanna fuck with me anymore?! But—but, he was kissing me just a few moments ago, saying that he won’t leave me and yet—

Yet—

“Oh, no, you don’t,” Toru-san was instantly throwing himself towards him, caging his cheeks and squishing them between his larger, calloused hands—making him look like a gaping fish in the process—a crying stupid fish, to be exact. “Don’t fucking cry again, I swear to god, I’m not done with you okay? Just…let’s just sleep and rest and pray that everything would get better tomorrow?” he said, giving Taka an unsure smile.

Taka sniffled and shoved the man away, “What’s—what’s with that shitty attempt to comfort me, mou! You could’ve sound a bit more convincing!”

“That was my best attempt!” he defended, before blinking down at Taka with a lost puppy look on his face, “It didn’t work?”

“ _Maa,_ ” Taka opened his mouth, then closed it again, as he recalled on why the fuck he’s about to explode—again—earlier. He thought that the guitarist doesn’t want him anymore? Good gracious, how clingy and immature and paranoid can he be? He bit his lip and looked down—consciously ripping his gaze away from the _crotch_ —and lament on his own stupidity. “It…it works…” he dejectedly mumbled.

He can hear Toru-san letting out a deep, deep, deep breath of relief before he can feel the familiar hand patting his head.

“Good,” he was saying, “That’s good. Let’s just rest for today, alright?”

He pouted, before slowly nodding in agreement—swallowing the question he’s been dying to ask to their leader—

_Will everything be alright tomorrow, though, Toru-san...?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit parts/lines taken from articles and interviews:
> 
>  _"Hmm, I think I wanted to be properly loved. Because I wasn’t truly loved when I was working..."_  
>  -Taka, [Rockin on Japan, June 2012 Taka interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29867629037/rockinon-japan-takas-june-interview-part-3)
> 
>  _[Interviewer]: Earlier you said you wanted to be loved, and to put that more basically, you enjoy being pampered by someone, right?_  
>  [Taka:] Yes!  
> -[Rockin on Japan, June 2012 Taka interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/30441092543/rockinon-japan-takas-june-interview-part-5)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading~!


	71. ONION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Layer by layer right down to the core  
> Crying you don’t even know what for  
> Failures from that terrible past are banished  
> From the place we are now"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: OOR is not miiiiiine.

It _wasn’t._

They we’re greeted by the sad news from Gocchan—the manager even had to go to Taka’s unit early in the morning to break the decision from Amuse to everyone. They still couldn’t contact the lead guitarist—but the worry and anxiousness about his well-being was pushed back from Taka’s mind when Gocchan sat on the head of the dining table, jaws clenched and with a grim look on his face.

Taka knows that _look._

That’s _how_ his father looked when he saw Taka’s failing grades, that’s _what_ their manager looked when the scandal was published in the magazines back then—he knows that look, and it terrified him to the core because… because…

_I never thought that I’ll see it once more._

He gripped the edge of the table, ignoring how Toru-san is calmly looking at him from across the table, the other two members fidgeting on their seats like hyperactive kids being forced to sit in a formal, no-nonsense dinner. He thought those times were over, _I thought that I won’t fuck things up like that anymore—_

But here they are.

Gocchan opened his mouth—

And Taka inwardly groaned—

_Here it is._

—as he prepared himself for the worst.

“The tie-up with God-hand Teru will be cancelled,” there was a collective groan among the members at that. Well, that couldn’t be helped, Taka thought, at least the single will not—, “As well as the release of the single—,”

Everyone’s wide eyes zoomed towards the direction of their manager. Taka doesn’t have to look at the other members’ faces because he’s so damn sure that they’re sporting the same expression—pale, shocked face, jaws hanging open and eyes wide in disbelief and fear—

“W-what?” Taka croaked out, his insides feel like they’re having a nasty war within his body at the moment, “What was that?”

Gocchan sighed, “I said, the tie-up with God-hand Teru—,”

“Oh _fuck_ the tie-up with that series!” Ryota suddenly exploded as he stood up from his chair, his brows knitted in confusion and fear, “Why is the release of our single also affected?! It was all settled, Gocchan, right? The release, the promotions, the tour—,”

“Wait, don’t tell me—,” Toru-san glanced at him, panic settling on his heavy-lidded eyes—and Taka doesn’t want that look, _doesn’t want the implications of that look,_ “What will happen to the tour?”

Silence befall on that table. Taka’s entire frame is shaking, his right hand unconsciously gripping his bandaged wrist. _No, no, please don’t tell me that—_

That—

“How about the tour, Gocchan...?” was Tomoya’s soft question. It was the first time he heard the drummer speak that day—he was usually loud and obnoxious, stomping all across Taka’s house with his annoyingly high-pitched voice, but today, he looks calm, looks forlorn, looks older—and Taka doesn’t want that.

He just wants this shit to end.

But not like this.

Not this kind of ending.

“It was also cancelled.”

_Oh fuck._

“What?!” Ryota shrieked, “B-bu—but why—,”

“Ryota,” Toru-san said in a commanding manner, “Sit down.”

“But Toru-nii!” the youngest whined, “Gocchan’s telling us that the tour, that the single we all worked so hard would be cancelled! It’s not fair—,”

“Ryota—,”

“It’s not fair!!!”

“ _Oh for fuck’s sake!”_ everyone leaned away and visibly flinched when Gocchan— _the ever-calm, ever-collected Gocchan_ —suddenly slammed his fist on the table, “We all know that it’s not fair! I know that it isn’t fair to pass all the shits to the entire band just because of one mistake of one member, do you think I’m not aware of that? I fought _tooth and nail_ for you guys—,” Taka bit his lips as the man—their manager, their friend, their _father-figure_ in the management—spoke in a very pained voice, “But you all know how this world works. I tried my best, you know? But the matters have been decided and they even wanted me to choose—,”

Taka squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t take this anymore. He felt nauseous, he felt like his intestines were crawling up his throat at the moment. The world is swirling into a blur around him, the sound fading into the background as the words burned like scorching brands on his mind.

Disappointment.

_You’re nothing but a disappointment._

Good-for-nothing.

_Lost cause._

A human trash.

“—it’s either you kick Alex out or the band would be dissolved—,”

At that, Taka’s eyes snapped open. _What?_

“What?” he repeated, softly, as he glanced at the manager. He’s having a hard time to focus, but fuck it, “What was that Gocchan?” his quivering voice gained strength with every word spoken, “They’re asking us to choose...?”

Unfair.

_It’s unfair._

Taka felt all of his blood rushed towards his head at that— _how dare they?! How dare the management asked something like that—_

He started to heave, gasping for breath as his mind was flooded with memories spent with Alex—the tall, _ikemen_ holding an electric guitar who glanced at him in curiosity the first time he went to the band rehearsal, the times they spent checking out girls, the times they went fighting over songs, fighting over the melodies, fighting _over everything_ —his nasty jokes, his words of wisdom, his creepy obsession with the extra-terrestrials and his absurd dream of becoming a Hollywood star—it all came back to him in a _dizzying_ manner—the times the lead guitarist stopped everyone from fighting—stop him and Toru-san from ruining the band—the times when the half-American acted his age—

He was an asshole, a bastard— _but he was family_ —

_A brother._

And yet—and yet—Amuse is asking them to leave him hanging into the air, to kick him out of the band they’ve formed from _scratch._

Taka’s chest rose up and down as he his hands curled into a fist. It’s unfair—to treat them like this, to treat each member as replaceable beings—

What about the _memories_ they’ve _made?_

What about the _songs_ they’ve _created?_

What about the _tears_ they’ve _shed?_

What about the _dreams_ they _shared?_

_What about Alex?_

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” he asked, glaring at their manager at full force—he knows that he shouldn’t turn his rage towards the older man, but what can he do?! He’s feeling crushed, feeling defeated by the system the adults have forced them to swallow—, “Tell me that this is just a _sick_ joke, Gocchan!” he demanded.

But instead of taking back his words, Gocchan just clenched his jaws—making Taka feel sick, feel almost hysterical—which, obviously, didn’t went unnoticed by the guitarist’s eyes—

“Taka—,”

“Why do they have to pressure us like that!” he screeched, like a sulking kid trying to argue with a full-grown adult, “Why do they have to ask us to something like that?! Wasn’t the cancellation of the single and the tour— _god, the nation-wide tour_ —enough?!”

Toru-san leaned forward, trying to grab his attention from verbally abusing the manager, “Taka—,”

“What do they want us to do?!” he snapped in a high-pitched voice, “Why are they being so harsh to us?! Is it because Alex is a _hafu?!_ Is that why they’re sanctioning us like this, treating us like _easy-to-replace persons?!_ How in the world does Amuse run its shit, huh—,”

“Taka!”

Taka instantly clamped his mouth shut as Toru-san’s loud voice boomed across the dining area. Ryota and Tomoya looked between them in worry, especially when instead of cowering like he usually did when the leader is using his _“I’m the goddamned leader so follow me”_ tone—Taka glared at the rhythm guitarist sitting across him.

“What?” he spat, “If you’re gonna tell me to calm the fuck down, then I’m sorry Toru-san—,”

“Then what the fuck would you do, huh?” the guitarist’s jaws clenched as he glared daggers back at the vocalist. He probably struck a chord, pissed the ever-loving daylights out of the stoic leader, but fuck if he actually cares. “Storm into their office? Demand that Alex-senpai would be retained, or that the release of the single and the tour must push through? Demand like a _tyrant?”_

He flinched—never realized how he hates the implication of that world—well, not until now. not until Toru-san was spitting it like _a curse._

“—do you think they would even listen to you? Even if you died screaming out profanities at them, nothing would change, Takahiro,” he said, before his eyes mellowed down for a moment, “We have to talk about this in a…calm manner okay? Blowing up like that and screaming at Gocchan wouldn’t solve any of our problems right now.”

Taka stop giving the younger teen a murderous look. He diverted his glare on the innocent table instead as he spoke in a very clipped tone, “They’re asking us to _abandon_ , Alex, Toru-san.”

He can see everyone tensed at that. Maybe they know that shit had _totally and completely_ hit the fan when he’s using that tone— _cold and low_ —instead of his usual loud and high-pitched one.

“They’re asking us to leave him _behind_ ,” he said through clenched teeth, the words leaving a bitter, bitter taste in his mouth, “He’s…he’s a bandmate…a friend…a _family_ —and they want us to what, abandon him and move forward as if nothing happened? Are you really fine with that, Toru-san?” he asked, voice shaking with disappointment and betrayal.

Toru-san blankly looked at him, and Taka realized that at that moment—it wasn’t his lover he’s facing—it was the leader, the _founde_ r of their band—someone who would do anything to make sure that ONE OK ROCK would live on—a leader through and through.

“And what if the band would be dissolved,” Toru-san asked in a low voice—so soft yet so sharp it pierced right through Taka’s shattered heart, “Will you be _fine_ with that, Takahiro…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit parts/lines taken from articles and interviews:
> 
> -As I've always been saying in the previous chapters, gaaah you're all probably tired of it by now, the tour and the release of the single was cancelled on April 7, 2009, two days after Alex has been arrested, according to this [article](https://uwasako.livejournal.com/45896.html)
> 
> -The shit about Alex being a hafu (half/mixed blood) is just a delusion of mine, but I kinda based it from some comments in the same article as above.
> 
> -We wouldn't know what had really happened behind closed doors about Alex leaving the band. In the [official OOR statement](https://one-ok-rock.livejournal.com/67399.html#cutid1), released on May 15, 2009, they said that Alex decided to leave the band as a form of repentance for his mistakes and for the girl too, but in the [Rockin on Japan 2012 Band interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29464734392/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-5) , Taka had went to Alex-senpai, ne? And in my interpretation, Alex doesn't really much have of a choice, hence why he got depressed or something. I dunno, what do you think?
> 
> -And lol my hatred/dislike for Amuse is veeery blatant on this chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> Please tell me your thoughts~! Thanks for reading!


	72. Rock, Scissors, Paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Make your hands, don’t blink your eyes  
> A game where if you draw, chance it, and if you lose, that’s it"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few more chapters gaaaah and HTMHF is also reaching its final arc hohohoho
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Tomoya watched as Takahiro aggressively ran his fingers through his hair.

It was early in the evening, Gocchan has long left after discussing more of the outcomes of his meetings with the management. They listened it out, like children taking a scolding, but nothing really made it into his mind. He was tired. And worried about their vocalist.

Of all of them, Takahiro looks the most shaken up. He might be acting loud and screaming shits since yesterday but he knows— _Tomoya can feel_ —how the man’s resolve is crumbling bits by bits.

_It must be really hard for him, huh?_

He leaned on the back rest of the couch, looking past the vocalist and onto the wall where a guitar stood against it. He missed playing the drums already—missed the thumps and beats—missed the sound drowning everything. It was only two days, mou! And they want us to wait till further notice?! _Eh, what the hell is that!_

Tomoya wouldn’t be able to take that gaaaah!!

_Sitting like ducks for a few more weeks?! I’ll go crazy!!!_

He sighed, puffing out air that blew some of his fringes from his forehead. But what can he do? Even Taka can’t do a thing, can’t say a thing against Toruge’s words. And speaking of the leader…

He’s really amazing huh, he thought as he recalled the conversation earlier—even yesterday—with Toru. He’s unusually calm and stern, like he knows what he’s doing, like everything is still going to be fine, and it makes him a bit envious mou! He’s the oldest, he’s supposed to be the one guiding and supporting and comforting these…these younger kids, _not the other way around!_

Instead, it was Toru who pulled them together by remaining calm and stoic and—

 _Strange,_ he decided that it was the right word, Toruge is acting strange. Sure he’s already weird, _I mean,_ he’s clumsy and usually dozes off to Lala-Land _Pffft!_ But this time, his calmness is kinda… _creepy._ The way he would stare at Takahiro is also a bit eerie too!

But aside from that, Tomoya couldn’t really complain about anything else. Toru has the power to lead everyone—to lead the band—when it’s needed. Like the strong foundation supporting the entire structure. And it’s good.

_But how about me?_

He frowned, watching as Ryota sat beside the vocalist and offered him some of his sakura-flavored snacks. It’s the season of the year again, when pink invades the entire city in celebration of the pretty cherry blossom season. That means, Taka’s birthday is also coming up. Will they celebrate it as a five-member band? Will they buy small cake and eat _yakiniku—Takahiro’s treat, of course_ —with Alex again?

Or not anymore?

Sure, Alex always clashed with Takahiro—especially in the past few months when they were making Kanjou Effect but that was just expected right? The tension is high, but it also made them a better version of themselves. He doesn’t want to lose the half-American too, he’s also an _otaku_ , a fellow baseball enthusiast and someone whom you can talk to about weird stuffs—without getting glared at or smacked at the back of your head—but Toruge’s right.

They should plan for the worst case scenario too.

_It’s either Alex or the entire band._

A family member or their dreams.

Tomoya pouted, wincing when Takahiro pulled at Ryota’s hair, making the bassist whine loudly— “Ouch, ouch, ouch, Mori-chan, Tomo-kun ate that berry not me—,”

Tomoya instantly closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. _Now is not the right time to be awake,_ he thought as he tried to even out his breathing. Takahiro would skin him alive if he can prove that the drummer ate his stock of strawberries in the fridge. He was so hungry earlier and Takahiro and Toruge were still silently fighting somewhere so he decided that he would eat something.

Like the vocalist’s precious berries.

 _Oh, man,_ he inwardly groaned, _I’m gonna be so dead when I wake up._

That is, if the vocalist wouldn’t strangle him on his sleep or something. Anyways, back to the matters at hand.

Toruge was right, and as the band’s drummer, what should he do? What must he do? Surely, the loss of the lead guitar would definitely affect the rhythm section. The bass would decrease and their sounds would be simpler.

But even so, he would have to persevere more—watch more lives, see more drummer, travel across the country to gain more musicians to respect. He has to be responsible enough, good enough so that he can support everyone steadily from the back, so that _Takahiro_ could sing with a hundred percent good feeling.

He would have to be better— _more and more_ —so that he can build a good, solid rhythm section with Ryota, so that he could provide the beats for Toru, so that he could repay Takahiro for pointing out the path for him to be the drummer he is right now.

Despite this, it’s still the best feeling—playing and making music with everyone he respects—with everyone he loves. Even if there’s pain, even if there’s a lot of hard shits that happened to them, he wouldn’t regret that day when he was recruited to the band—when he took Taka’s offered hand.

He would never regret that day, but…

He sighed, wanting nothing but to get out of this dark, overwhelming situation.

_Maybe I should start learning how to use a double-kick pedal, huh…?_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“I swear he was just looking at us five seconds ago—ack, _itetetete!!!_ ” Ryota whimpered in pain as Taka relentlessly pulled onto his hair. Apparently, someone raided his stock of fruits earlier while he was…busy discussing stuffs with Toru-san. And the culprit is no other than—he sighed, _why am I not even surprised_ —Tomoya. Well, according to their youngest member, who’s now holding one of Taka’s food containers.

_Why are they even eating all of my stuffs?! They’re not even paying for it, goddammit!!_

But anyways, he glanced at the suspect but Tomoya is already fast asleep on the couch, so he diverted all of his rage onto the poor bassist. But after a few seconds of bullying Tour-san’s precious childhood friend, he reluctantly let him go because he doesn’t really go bullying Ryota like that.

 _I prefer kicking Tomoya’s ass,_ he thought as he huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, _I’ll definitely punch him when he wakes up later or when Toru-san arrives._

Yeah, Toru-san—the man who told him that Taka would never have to be alone—just ditched him to go back for his stuffs or something.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“But why?!” was Taka’s loud and almost wailing question as they all watched the leader put on his shoes. Ryota and Tomoya looked at him, bewildered at the loud, unusual sound coming out of his mouth. _Well, what a nice way to make yourself look like a clingy girlfriend, Takahiro—you are such a genius._

Anyways, the three looked at him as if he just lost his shit or something—which is unnerving and annoying all at the same time, by the way.

“What _why?_ ” Toru-san asked as he stood up from crouching low on his _genkan_ , “I need to get some stuffs because unlike these two, I will be staying here to live with you.”

Tomoya whistled in awe, while Ryota gaped in shock.

“What the fuck, why would you even live here—,” thought the idea of it was really, really tempting—like it’s the only thing that’s missing in their relationship—coz they’re practically living with each other now. and heck if his _inner, flirty shit_ didn’t purr at the thought of waking up with the guitarist, eat all meals with him and fall asleep beside him—

“It’s just for a few days—,”

“That’s not fair!” Ryota suddenly freaked out, getting between Taka and Toru—almost shoving him face-flat on the wall, _WTF_ —! “I _proposed_ to Mori-chan first!”

“WHAT,” was Taka and Toru’s unified reaction at that declaration. Probably sensing that either one of the two would blow a fuse at that childish comment, Tomoya instantly hugged Ryota to pull him away, saying that they would take care of Takahiro while Toruge is busy collecting his boxers or somethings—

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A faint smile made its way on Taka’s lips at that. Toru-san looked so fed up with everyone so he just dashed out of the unit, waving and saying that he’ll be back as soon as he can while the other two waved like fucking children sending their father off. It was…a bit nice…that moment gave Taka a sense of normalcy, a sense of familiarity—

_Just like the good old times._

Just like two nights ago.

Taka narrowed his puffy-rimmed eyes—it feels like it happened so long ago. Actually, when Toru-san announced that he would be living in this unit for a few days, he was actually waiting for someone to say something like _“oh, you’re already on that level, huh?”_

And then Taka would turn, glared daggers, knives and everything sharp on the speaker—to Alex who would be grinning, eyes twinkling and looking so fucking punch-able in Taka’s eyes.

But he wasn’t there.

_He wouldn’t be here anymore…_

Taka sighed and gripped his head. It hurts like fuck, like there’s some imaginary bastard trying to pound a fucking hammer onto it. It feels like it’s about to crack into halves, add that to the swirling of his internal organs…

Toru-san has a fucking point— _well, as always_ —but damn, do they really have to do that? Leave Alex behind and continue as a four-man band?

He was thinking of that since their conversation with Gocchan has ended and he realized that yes, the leader is right. That the future of the band held the greatest importance in this situation—no other thing shall hinder that—nothing should equate to that.

He knows that, he knows the truth but it doesn’t lessen the pain in his chest at the thought of losing their lead guitarist.

Taka wanted to fight for that, to fight for their family but—but at the same time, he doesn’t want to further ruin this band by risking it all for one person. What would happen to everyone then?

Now that he’s thinking about it, maybe his feelings and pride weren’t needed at their crucial moment. There’s a lot of things to do, a lot of matters to settle, and a lot of responsibilities would befall on Tor-san’s shoulder after this.

_We will have only one guitar if all comes to worst._

But how about the previous songs? How about the songs included in the album they’re making?

Maybe they should…should just get another guitarist for the band—no matter how bad it feels to think of getting another person just to fill in the void that Alex would be leaving—so that they could continue playing? Because Taka doesn’t want their…their loss of a guitarist to be a _reason_ to not perform in the future anymore. They would do it—surely—Toru-san would think of ways to get out of this mess.

He was stable—and watching the leader like that—calmly taking everything and giving his all—Taka actually felt foolish for allowing his emotions to cloud over his judgement. Now that he’s thinking somewhat clearer than before, he could finally tell that Alex is a bastard and he’s an asshole for acting like that, dragging the band’s name into the mud with his stupidity. He should learn from his mistakes, grow up—but then again, he was family—

_No, no, don’t go over there again. Think objectively, mou!_

So yeah, anyways, he wonders if everything would still be the same if he comes back? Taka wants him to, but what about everyone else? Will they be in the same wavelength again? Or there would be this…this gap separating them, drawing the line and messing up their already fucked up band dynamics?

“Mou…” he groaned out loud, thinking about these things make his head hurt even more! “I give up, gah!!!!” he screeched, making Ryota—who was silently munching beside him—jumped in shock, “I’ll let Toru-san handle all of this thinking, goddammit!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Said Toru-san was currently in his room—alone and staring at his guitars lying against the wall. He had made an escape earlier when the vocalist burst out in defense of their lead guitarist. Well, there’s nothing really wrong with that—except for lashing out at their poor manager. Heck, Gocchan deserves an award for his…saintly patience in dealing with a rambunctious bunch of kids, especially when once of those kids loves screaming the fuck off, letting his emotions get the better of him.

Taka wasn’t thinking straight earlier—and he might _attack Toru with a shovel_ if he heard that he said that and Toru should really fear for his life, but nah—he’s more scared of what will happen to the band from now on.

He doesn’t really want to run the fuck away like a coward but he needed a break—the two of them needed a break to sort his thoughts, or else he’ll blow up. And a scary, grumbling leader next to a screaming, hysterical vocalist is the last thing everyone needed at the moment. So he fled, but not leaving Tomoya and Ryota behind to stay with the vocalist because god knows what Taka would do when left alone, especially during these dark moments.

So, anyways.

Alex-senpai is a family, all right, he thought as he grabbed the guitars. He as long done packing his stuffs—just a few of them because he’s practically living in the vocalist’s unit before, he has a set of sanitary shits in there, a couple of shirts and some hoodies that the midget has stolen from him before.

But, will Amuse even retain him, just because of that?

He knows that the answer will be a clear _no_ , but he couldn’t say it straight to Taka’s face.

He couldn’t break his heart even further, couldn’t give him another reason to cry.

But deep inside him—from the exact moment he had heard of the news, he had already thought of the possibility that the lead guitarist would have to be kicked out of the group. He’s not fine with that—Alex-senpai might be a huge douche bag, but as Taka had said, he’s still a part of their fucked up family— _he’s still a member of ONE OK ROCK_ —and just thinking of leaving him out like that makes him nauseous but—

But if a decision has already been made, then what can they do?

_Move forward._

Because that’s _the only stuff_ you can do after falling down, right? After fucking up and realizing the shits you’ve done, after being dragged into the mud, the only thing you can do is either stay and rot there forever or stand up—crawl back, one painful inch at a time— _and stand up once more_ —braver, bolder, aiming for the greater.

So they won’t stop just because of the excuse that they lost their lead guitarist.

 _I will learn all the chords and the solos even if I had to,_ he said, firmly gripping the neck of his electric guitar. His fingers running carefully on the slim instrument, wondering if…if all those times he had dreamt of playing those powerful solos, all those times wanting to know how it feels to be the lead guitarist will finally come into a reality right now.

_Now I can be the guitarist._

He froze, blinking down on his innocent guitar.

_What the fuck was that?_

_Where did that though even came from?!_

_From your mind, moron—_ he can hear Taka snapping at him while rolling his eyes in exasperation. Damn, he massaged the bridged of his nose, maybe he needs more rest because he’s now imagining what the vocalist would respond on his own thoughts. And that’s bad, right?

Right.

Anyways, what the actual fuck Yamashita Toru, are you actually happy that you’ll gonna be the lead and only guitarist from now on?! _At what cost—losing Alex-senpai?!_

He groaned out aloud. Maybe he should just go back to the vocalist’s unit and…sit beside him and bask with the comforting presence of Takahiro? He might not be able to say that aloud, but really, just being with the vocalist—sitting on the couch and listening as the older teen hums new melodies, his fingers clumsily strumming the strings of the guitar and glancing at Toru once in a while, head tilted in a questioning manner as he asked on how his composition going on or if he sounds like shit or why the fuck are you staring at me like that, Toru-san, you want me to gouge your eyes out or something?!

…

Okay, the last part is probably creepy. And painful but yeah, bottom line is—even if Taka appears to be weak and vulnerable, at times like this, Toru would always still crave for his presence because he feels at ease whenever he’s with the vocalist. He was his anchor, his solace, his loyal vocalist who would—yes—question his decisions and rant about it, but in the end, he was the only one who could thing almost as the same as him.

So he was really worried when the vocalist said otherwise about the issue earlier. He wants to retain Alex-senpai, but how about the band?

_I thought the band should be the priority here, mou!_

They have to keep pushing forward—moving forward, even if they’re battered and shits—as long as they can push through another year, another album, another song.

And Toru…

Toru is prepared to do everything for it— _anything._

Besides…maybe…maybe this is the right chance to step forward and…and take that place, fill that hole that Alex-senpai would be leaving. It would be a great adjustment and he would probably die trying, but, even if he ended up being a colossal failure, _what truly matter was the fact that he had tried, right?_

But in order to do that, he needs to learn something, get better and better—work harder than ever—because everything would be meaningless if they just stop here.

Call him _harsh._

Call him _heartless,_ but when it comes to the well-being of the band that has been his home in the past few years?

He will become a monster, he will become sly, he will become even firmer. Everything would be acceptable to him, as long as he— _as long as they can all still play on the stage._

He sighed and perched the guitar against the wall again. it’s getting late, and Tomoya and Ryota are probably pulling their hair off their scalps because of dealing with a hysterical Takahiro. Maybe he should go back.

Toru looked around at his unit—dark and cold and silent—one last time before he grabbed his back pack and acoustic guitar case.

Maybe he should go home.

 _Home_ —where everyone is.

Home— _where Takahiro is._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit parts/lines taken from articles and interviews:
> 
>  
> 
> _"Becoming four people, all at once we were left with things like our parts and individual senses of responsibility. [?] I started to think a lot about, “As this band’s drummer, what should I do?” That’s when I started using a double-kick-pedal. Ryota used a five-string bass, and we challenged various things: weren’t there things we could make up for with the rhythm section’s parts, and weren’t there possibilities of expanding the breadth of the band?_
> 
>  
> 
> _"He’s seemingly dazed, but he looks after the band the most, and he has the power to lead everyone when it counts. Especially after Alex left, he really held on. At the time, I thought, As I thought, he’s amazing, and he takes more responsibility than others."_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  _"It came up earlier as well, but he [Taka] pointed out the path for me to be the drummer, he’s the person I respect the most, and I think he’s the greatest vocalist...I want to always play drums behind them. The drums where Taka sings and can sing with a 100% good feeling, those are my ideal drums. "_  
>  \- Tomoya, [Musica: September 2012 Tomoya interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/39737748662/musica-september-2012-tomoya-interview)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _"I became uneasy about the future, and I wanted to ask Alex about his feelings but couldn’t. So for the time being, for about 2 weeks, we stayed at my house._
> 
>  
> 
>  _"Well, I didn’t really have a reason for wanting to add a guitar. It’s just, regarding the album I was making at the time, I thought it would be impossible if I didn’t do a good job...However, I absolutely didn’t want not being able to play to be our excuse for not being able to make the album."_  
>  \- Taka, [Rockin on Japan, June 2012 Band interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29232913009/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-4)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _"and I thought, “Alright, now I can be the guitarist.” All at once, I thought my place would be found at this time._
> 
>  
> 
> _Perhaps because I was aware of the 4 of us being one band, I was able to persevere during the hard times. That’s why on the contrary, at those times I thought, “I want to aim much, much higher,” and I was able to recognize that we still have a long way to go. Until then I just think, “Anything’s fine, as long as I stand on the stage, I will enjoy myself,”_
> 
>  
> 
>  _"We thought about how to properly move the band forward, not just enthusiasm, and we became something with much, much bigger scale. I came to think, “We have to work harder.”_  
>  \- Toru, [Musica: September 2012 Toru interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/46477062115/musica-september-2012-toru-interview)
> 
> Oh shit, adding the links is a pain in the ass gaaaah but this arc is heavily based on these interviews so yeah, we would see more of this in the future T^T
> 
> Thanks for reading~! Any kind of feedbacks would be very much appreciated~!


	73. Stuck in the Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I tried to have it all  
> And I'm stuck in the middle  
> I couldn't have it all now I'm alone  
> And I've been down and out  
> Now I'm stuck in the middle  
> I'll never get to say this is enough"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always believed, that, while Tomoya is loyal to Taka, Ryota does the same for his oh-so beloved Toru-nii.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own OOR.

It was the 7th day of April, two days after Alex-senpai’s arrest when the news of the cancellations of the tour and single was released. _It’s not really fair,_ Ryota pouted as he munched on the _onigiri—_ prepared by none other than Mori-chan—his Mom and Neechan called right after the news were published, asking if he’s alright and if Alex-senpai would be fine and something more, but he really couldn’t listen at all.

His stomach feels like his intestines are doing…somersaults within him. It makes him feel sick and hungry, that’s why he had asked the vocalist for some meal. He had expected Mori-chan to glare at him and ask on why the fuck he’s supposed to prepare the meals, but to his surprise, Mori-chan just…stood up from sitting beside Toru-nii and silently went on checking the kitchen for ingredients.

_He’s getting soft!_

Ryota took another bite, the sticky Japanese rice tasting a lot better with the special sauce Mori-chan had prepared— _really, Toru-nii is such a lucky bastard for being able to eat Mori-chan’s cooking almost every day! Maybe I should ask Mori-chan if I could live in here too so that I can have a stress and chore-free live!_

Ryota dumbly smiled at his genius idea, right _, I’ll totally do that but first—_

“What the fuck are you grinning about now?!” Mori-chan snapped from his spot across the bassist. Ryota had totally forgotten that they’re in the middle of a very important discussion right now, and it’s all because of the tasty rice balls—but he really couldn’t say that to the vocalist because Mori-chan might…attack him with a spoon or something for saying something so silly.

So he just pulled on the straightest face he can muster, rice bits falling from his mouth, as his entire frame shook in restricted laughter—

“W-who,” he stuttered, trying to stop himself from bursting into a massive giggling fit, “Who’s grinning, Mo- _oh_ -ori-chan?!”

Mori-chan gave him a long, exasperated look, while Toru-nii just shook his head at his pathetic attempt to escape the vocalist’s wrath while Tomo-kun unceremoniously dumped his head onto his arms to…stifle his laughter or something.

“Ah!” he snapped, pointing a finger towards the shaking drummer, “Tomo-kun is the one who’s laughing! You should be mad at him, not me!”

“I would fucking kick your ass if you won’t stop messing around, mou!” Mori-chan snapped, slapping the table—,” Ah, fuck that hurts!”—just for emphasis, making Tomo-kun instantly sat up straight.

“That fucking huuurts!”

“It’s your fault,” Toru-nii simply said as he calmly sipped on his tea.

“It’s your members’ fault for acting like bratty kids!”

“Oh now that they’re doing something bad, they’re suddenly _MY_ kids?” Ryota couldn’t follow the conversation anymore. _Who the fuck had kids?! Maybe Toru-nii has some…secret children or something?!_

He inwardly gasped at that.

_No way!_ Besides, you need a girl for that! And some… _alone time_ —well, according to Alex-senpai’s… _lessons_ before—but considering the fact that Mori-chan and Toru-nii were almost always together, his Toru-nii won’t have enough time to have some… _romp_ with a girl somewhere!

But anyways, the two are still going at it like damn.

“You’re the leader, so they are your responsibility!”

“But aren’t you the _mother_ here so why don’t you _ack!_ —,”

Toru-nii wasn’t able to finish whatever the fuck he’s about to say because Mori-chan had elbowed him. On his stomach, making the guitarist bolted away from the dining table. Ryota watched them with mild disinterest as he slowly munched on the rice balls.

_Here they go again…_ he thought, frowning when he realized that…they’re acting a bit normal considering that the tour and single has just been cancelled what, two hours ago? That’s a really, really huge blow and yet, here they are—sharing a normal breakfast, watching as everyone went on a relatively normal pace this morning.

His brows furrowed at that.

_What the fuck_?

“Maybe,” he paled, when he suddenly said that aloud— _holy shit why did I even opened my goddamned mouth, look, Mori-chan and Toru-nii are looking at me as if I’ve eaten their strawberries_ —always—, he gulped, audibly, before he laid the remaining onigir on his plate, “Maybe we should just show Amuse that we could still perform, even if we have no more lead guitarist?”

There was an audible silence—and Ryota, for once, instantly realized that he had just royally fucked up. _Ack! I just ruined a good morning where everything’s almost going alright, gaaaah!!!_

“What do you mean no more lead guitarist?” Mori-chan asked in complete confusion, “We can’t be playing around without one, so maybe we could get another one?”

“What?!” was everyone’s reaction at that. Violent reaction, to be precise.

Toru-nii suddenly looks…like he’s gonna _strangle_ Mori-chan to death or something with his dark eyes and cold looks and low, low voice that could make Ryota scared like a kid just by hearing it.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” he gritted out.

Tomo-kun loudly swallowed beside him. Ryota casted him a scared look— _should we make a run for it, Tomo-kun?_

To which the drummer returned with as tiff shook of his head _, not yet. Not until we’re sure that no one would bring out some knife or fork or anything sharp that the two could use killing each other._

_Oh,_ Ryota shrugged and turned his gaze back towards the leader and the vocalist, _okay then._

He…he’s not really sure in how he could understand the drummer’s thoughts just by exchanging meaningful— _Pffft! Meaningful!_ —looks with him, but maybe it’s just his assumption that they’re exchanging thoughts?! Maybe Tomo-kun is just looking at me?!

_Eh?!_

_Whatever._

Anyways.

Adding another person in the band?! What the hell?!

“We would need another guitarist,” Mori-chan said, turning towards Toru-nii’s direction’, “You told me, no, insisted that Alex would be kicked out, right? SO that’s what I’m thinking about right now—if he’s gonna be out, then how the fuck would we play our songs?!”

“We could still—,”

“We _used_ to have two guitars, Toru-san,” Mori-chan said through clenched teeth, “Our songs have two guitars, and if we won't get someone who could replace Alex, then how the fuck this band would continue?!"

Ryota's brows furrowed at that. Mori-chan's got a point, as always. And usually, Ryota would agree to whatever the leader or the vocalist would say— _he's like that after all, someone who would bind the band by always, always saying yes_ —even if he's not sure if he could actually do it.

_Just like when I agreed with Toru-nii in creating the band._

He's not sure if he could do it, he couldn't even play the bass, heck he's not even sure if he's _properly awake_ back then but he did it—he still nodded, amidst the doubt for the future, he still agreed—because it was what Toru-nii wanted. And he wanted to be with his childhood friend, no matter how childish and clingy that sounds.

And look where it had brought him. Saying yes, and challenging himself to comply for it had brought him here—brought him where ONE OK rock is actually existing.

But now...

Mori-chan wants another person into the band...

He glanced down at his plate, the onigir lying there—stale and unappealing to his eyes. His appetite was now gone, and in fact, he could feel his stomach churning in fear, in insecurity, in anxiety of what the band would become if this continues.

If he continues on saying yes to everyone.

_I know this feeling..._

This is...this is what he felt when Toru-nii suddenly arrived in the studio almost four years ago, telling them that their vocalist would come to the rehearsal that one night. They were all shocked to death, especially when Mori-came in glaring at everybody. He was so scary! And Ryota...Ryota felt a bit betrayed because Toru-nii suddenly recruited someone without even asking for their approval! But it turned out fine, better even.

_And now, Mori-chan wants the same..._

"You think recruiting someone now would actually help us?!" Tomoya and Ryota jumped on their seat when the leader practically growled at the smaller teen, "How long do you think would it take for that person to learn all of our songs? Weeks? Days?!"

To Ryota's surprise, Mori-chan let out a hollow, obviously taunting laugh at that, "You speak as if our songs were _that complicated_ , Toru-san. Surely, someone with enough skills and experience could learn all of them?!"

_No, no, that can't be right._

Just the idea of having someone else, of having a stranger stand on Alex-senpai’s spot on the stage sounds so wrong. It makes his stomach churn even worse, and he's actually debating whether to run towards the toilet to puke the hell out or just hide there and avoid watching as the band gets slowly ripped into pieces.

Allowing and accepting Mori-chan back then was different—they were still young, barely even called a band. They were able to adjust then but now? Now that they've spent months together? Done things, achieved goals and shared almost everything? Can they allow a complete stranger into their family?

"No," Ryota softly said, effectively gathering everyone's attention. Three pair of eyes looked at him, oh fuck now I've done it again gaaaah, but it was too late to take it back—not that he'll actually want to. So with a firmer voice he said, once more, "No. That's one thing I couldn't say yes to, Mori-chan."

Silence befalls at the room. No one dared to spoke, and Ryota started to sweat bricks. Tomo-kun opening and closing his mouth like a gaping fish out of the water doesn't really help his case too. And let's not forget how Toru-nii arched his brow at him, probably wondering on when the fuck did his _kouhai_ managed to grow balls to actually say no.

And Mori-chan...

"No?" he asked brows knitted in complete confusion, "What do you mean by that, Ryota?"

Maybe he should've stayed quiet. _Fuck._

"I..." he stammered, eyes darting everywhere as if he could find the answers like that, "I don't want to have a new member to replace Alex-senpai, Mori-chan."

The vocalist scowled. Ryota almost dashed the fuck away at the obvious displeasure at the older's face. Oh, okay, maybe this is the right chance to run away...?

"If you don't want to recruit another guitarist," the vocalist snapped, crossing his petite arms over his chest, "Then what the fuck should we do about the lead guitarist's place?!"

Ryota should've thought better, should've thought of the words first before opening his goddamned mouth. Or maybe he should've just glances at his Toru-nii, maybe he could've noticed how the rhythm guitarist's mouth parted, as if he's gonna say something—but no.

He actually did the exact opposite of that.

"Then I'll play the guitar!" he declared.

...

...

...

You...you should've seen how the other members’ face morphed into immense shock at that. Ryota could hear their jaws dropped on the dining table with a loud thud. It was so silent that he could practically hear the sounds of the rustling leaves outside, the cackling’s of the children and the roar of the engines of the passing vehicles.

...

...

"...what?" Mori-chan finally asked, breaking the long tensed silence between the four of them.

"I'll..." he gulped and bravely meet those fierce almond-shaped eyes, "I'll play the guitar! You don't have to recruit a new member coz I'll do it!"

"Are you really sure, Ryota?!" Tomo-kun shrieked beside him, "Do you even know how to play the guitar?!"

"No," he responded without missing a beat, making Mori-chan groaned and Toru-nii snorted in amusement, "But it's also an instrument with strings! It's probably to shift from...from the bass! I..." he gulped, tears welling from the corner of his eyes as he stared at the dining table, "I started this band with Toru-nii without any knowledge in music, I started this band knowing shit about instruments, let alone playing the bass, but look where I am right now," he aggressively wiped the tears with the sleeves of his hoodie, "Surely, it won't be that difficult!"

"But Ryota—," Mori-chan started, his voice mellowing down, like how a mother would when speaking to a sulking child—but he's not a child anymore—he's already 19! He doesn't need coddling anymore! So he did the _unthinkable_ —cutting Mori-chan off.

"I can do it!" he stubbornly said while glaring at the innocent onigiri, "I will do it because just thinking of allowing another person in this band, allowing another person in our family makes me sick! I don't want another guitarist, so if I have to switch, then I'll do it! Fuck everything else!"

He heard Mori-chan and Tomo-kun gasped in unison at his sudden outburst. He knows there's some real beating coming for him later, especially when he beat the vocalist into speaking, but he couldn't care less. He has to speak his mind right now, because if not now, then when?

When another person has infiltrated their band?

_When it's already too late?_

There was a short pause, before Mori-chan spoke again. "Are you really sure about that, Ryota?"

Fuck no. Of course not.

He's always heading towards something, probably his own doom without knowing the consequences so it's not really surprising if he would say that he's not really sure on what the heck he's saying.

_This is so frustrating mou!_

"I'm—I'm not sure, but...but if you would recruit another lead guitarist, then Toru-nii," his brows furrowed in concentration as he realized one thing. If someone would take Alex-senpai's place as the lead, then his Toru-nii would remain in the background _, overshadowed_ by the skillful stranger that Mori-chan could, without a doubt, find in no time. He doesn't want that. Toru-nii is the leader and it's about damn time that he asserts his position.

He's talented, dedicated, and he knows how to deal with a bitchy vocalist like any other guitarist could. They could make even greater songs like that.

So, no, he won't allow another person to come and push his childhood friend back just like that.

“—then Toru-nii should be the lead guitarist!” he said, meeting Mori-chan’s eyes once more, but with more determination in his own orbs, “I’ll be the rhythm guitarist and will do my fucking best to support him!”

“Then who would play the bass?”

Ryota’s heart felt like it’s being sliced into halves at that quick, straight-to-the point question from the vocalist. He…he wanted to play the bass, continued playing his guitars—the only instrument he can play at the moment—and be better, if not the best in his craft but on the other hand, he also wants this band to continue as they are—even with only four members.

But to really abandon his guitars?

Tears prickled at the corner of his eyes. It hurts, being torn like this. And somehow, it’s also humiliating because when things come to worst, he’s always getting too emotional and would always resort to crying—very much like how a kid would deal with his growing frustrations.

_I don’t wanna give up the bass but—_

_But—_

Everyone is trying their best! So he must also persevere—maybe he could go to one of their closest friends, one of Toru-nii’s mentors, really and ask him to teach Ryota how to play guitars—because he would really do it, he would—he could—

_Just like that night when I mindlessly agreed to Toru-nii, I would do it—_

He flinched when a hand landed on the top of his head. Holy fuck, he thought it was Mori-chan ready to grab and yanked his hairs off his scalp but thank gods it was just Toru-nii— _which,_ now that he’s thinking of it, _was also as bad as having the vocalist kicking his ass or something_ —who was ruffling his hair while smiling down at him.

He looks so tired, he looks so worn out, he looks so old and yet—

He looks so strong, he looks so calm, so firm—so fucking cool.

“Play the bass, Ryota,” he said with his low voice, making Ryota inwardly panic—

“Why?! I can learn the guitars!” he whined, looking up at his childhood friend— _no, older brother_ —in helplessness, “I may be an idiot in school but I could work it out if I put my mind onto it! I can do it! So don’t,” he bit his lip and growled in frustration, “Don’t fucking allow Mori-chan to take another guitarist in, don’t allow Mori-chan to let someone else take your rightful place!”

“Hey!” Mori-chan gasped in the background, “Why are you speaking like I’m the bad guy here, huh?!”

To his surprise, Tomo-kun answered for him, “Coz Takahiro is a mean bully—ack!” he groaned when Mori-chan flung a banana towards him, “See! That’s what I’m talking about, mou!”

“You don’t have to play the guitar and we won’t be recruiting another person into the band too,” there was a collective gasp among the two other members. Ryota feels his chest expand—his heart getting bigger and broader at that declaration from their leader.

“So, I can—I can—,”

“You will still play the bass,” Ryota frowned at the calm, collective voice of their leader. He hasn’t seen his Toru-nii like that before, and somehow, this scares him—like there’s this sudden shift in his childhood friend, that there’s something happening within him that no one could ever see.

“B-but what about—,”

To his surprise—and fear, he almost shits in his pants at that—the guitarist smiled at him, the corner of his lips curling into a knowing smirk—something he had never ever seen on that face before.

“I’ll be the _only_ guitarist from now on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit parts/lines taken from articles and interviews:
> 
> _“When everyone was disconnected, the one who tied us together mentally was Ryota. Furthermore, Ryota never says NO. He’s the kind of person who brings everyone together by saying YES.”_  
>  \- Taka, [Musica: September 2012 Ryota Interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/38504106330/musica-september-2012-ryota-interview)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _"No matter what, I didn’t want a new member to join. Taka said he would let someone in, but I said, “Sorry, that’s the only thing I’m truly against.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Considering someone being added to the four of us members was unimaginable. If we let a member join, I said Toru would be the lead, easy to play, and I would play the backup guitar."_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Originally, Taka said, “If you’re so against letting another member in, what if you played guitar?” So I said, “Alright, I’ll play guitar!” ……But then I thought, “Even though I said that, this is pretty hard. What do I do?” (laughs). I thought, but well, Toru has to do his best playing as the lead, and if Toru is doing his best, then I’ll persevere with him. ……Toru also thought it wouldn’t be good to have a new guitarist come in. If a skilled member joined, the lead player would be that person, and Toru would stay as the backup. He didn’t want that. So I said I would play the backup."_
> 
>  
> 
> _"In the end, Toru called me and said, “It’s OK if you just stick with bass. It would be a waste since you went to all the trouble to play it up until now, and bass suits you, so play bass. I’ll do my best to play guitar by myself.”_  
>  \- Ryota, [Musica: September 2012 Ryota Interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/38504106330/musica-september-2012-ryota-interview)
> 
>  
> 
> JESUS PUTTING THE LINES GAAAAAH WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN AHHHH
> 
>  
> 
> anyways, thanks for reading~!


	74. Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It feels so hard to watch you hurt  
> From that pain a lesson learned  
> This is how you find your way  
> You feel so lost I’ve been there too  
> Skies so dark no way through  
> Stories only scars can tell  
> I’ve got so much love for you my friend  
> Ride or die until the end  
> But only you can save yourself"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the shitty timeline of this chapter gaaaah
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“What are you thinking?”

Taka looked up from the guitar he’s been fiddling for a few minutes now. it’s already evening, and Tomoya and Ryota were busy playing games far across the room while he and Toru-san preferred to sit on the floor, their guitars perched on their laps, fingers idly pressing the strings and strumming lazily without a specific melody in mind.

He glanced at the guitarist, noting how the skin under the man’s eyes had turned another shade darker, multiplying, if that’s even possible. His hair looks disheveled as fuck— _well, there’s really nothing new about that_ —and his skin is paler than usual. It’s the spring and everyone is supposed to look blooming and fresh not…not looking like walking zombies craving for some brain-bites or something.

_You look like shit,_ he wanted to say, _like an absolute shit._

It’s true. No matter how much he loves this bastard, there’s no denying how the guitarist looks bad these past few days. He’s probably so exhausted with dealing with the band issues, dealing the management issues, and dealing with Takahiro himself.

_And yet—_

And yet he wants to take another responsibility by becoming the band’s sole guitarist—

_Do you want to die?!_

“I’m thinking of a hundred ways to kill you, Toru-san,” he simply said, eyes twitching in annoyance as he looked down on the guitar again—ignoring the bewildered look on the guitarist’s face.

“Eh?!” he asked, bumping onto Taka’s shoulder, “What did I do now?!”

“Well, for starters, let’s talk about your sudden decision on being the lead guitarist!” he snapped. Luckily, the sound effects of the video games the two idiots are playing was loud enough to partially drown Taka’s voice, or else, the two would start worrying over them all over again. “You didn’t even tell me about that!”

He felt betrayed, and knowing the recent trends of annoying the hell out of each other, Taka was expecting the younger teen to just…blow up in anger and frustration, but no. Toru-san was so calm—so fucking silent and serious that it made Taka uneasy— _scared,_ to be exact.

“How about your sudden decision on recruiting another guitarist to the band.”

Taka gasped, eyes instantly zooming towards the guitarist. He was thinking of saying something against that—but well, would you look at that, his bloody brain decided to commit a seppuku right there and then. Besides, his lack of immediate response is also probably because of the fact that…yeah, Toru-san—and everyone else, really—has the right to get mad at him for suddenly saying that they would have to acquire another guitarist to fill into Alex’s post.

He didn’t ask if they’re fine with it, he just blurted it out—like the ugly, commanding tyrant he is—not really caring if anyone would be against it. And Ryota’s speech and show of dedication earlier actually made Taka snapped the fuck out of the daze he’s been before declaring that announcement earlier.

If…

If Ryota— _shy, timid, always-saying-yes Ryota_ —would go for such lengths, would go beyond what he can, would go as far as abandoning his craft just to preserve this…semblance of family in their band, then Taka had really fucked up for even bringing that suggestion up.

“Cat got your tongue, Taka?” he blinked, looking and realizing that Toru-san has been staring ta him for a good few seconds.

“I will fucking _cut_ your tongue.”

The guitarist smirked, infuriating Taka to no ends, before he leaned back on the blank wall behind them. He was looking up at the ceiling, making Taka subtly glance at it, curious on what the man was looking at. There was nothing, just the usual blankness. What’s so interesting with the ceiling?

_Nothing._

Toru-san is probably just being his old shitty weird self, so Taka perched the guitar on the floor and pulled his knees close to his chest, propping his arms and chin over it. The laughter and screams and cheers from Ryota and the sound of machine guns from the video game gives some comfortable ambiance inside the house. It feels like everything is fine, like they’re not undergoing something awful at the moment.

Or maybe, everyone is just putting some effort in preserving what they can—of putting the shattered fragments back together—and instead of helping them, what did Taka do?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

“Are you…” he started, looking at the floor. Toru-san made a non-committal hum beside him, his fingers playing the familiar chords of Yokobou that Alex always played in the past. The strumming and plucking is not at its best, a far cry from what the lead guitarist can do—probably even by being blindfolded—but Toru-san was trying—everything was doing something—, “Are you really sure about that, Toru-san?” he softly asked, voice full of doubt and insecurity and fear.

The soft sounds of the guitar didn’t cease, and for a moment, Toru-san didn’t answer. There was a lengthy silence between them, and the younger man is probably having his second thoughts now—but somehow, Taka knows what the man would answer.

_Because this is Toru-san we’re talking about here—_

The _same Toru-san_ who would book their gigs personally, the _same Toru-san_ who didn’t crumbled when Yu left the band, _the same Toru-san_ who held the band with his sheer willpower alone, the _same Toru-san_ who would send lengthy emails to everyone before ach lives, the same Toru-san who would scream at them and demand for them to play and sing better in the good old days—

The same Toru-san who stalked him, nights after nights—persuading him to come to their rehearsal, at exactly one o’clock in the morning— _just once, even just once—_

The same Toru-san who would pop out of his part-time jobs—

The same Toru-san who was sitting in that dark live house, looking up at him—the one who talked to him, told him how good his voice is—the only person who asked him on why is he singing while staring down on his shoes—

The only person who reached out— _and never let go of his hands._

He’s strong-headed, and Taka knows that once he had made his decision, there would be no turning back. He knows, he can feel it—Toru-san is oozing with determination and seriousness at this moment that all he wanted was to shrivel in the corner for being a _useless piece of shit_ ever since this fiasco has begun. He should do something, but he was at lost—he’s the vocalist— _just the vocalist._ He’s nothing, without the band— _really—_ so he needs to do something—be of use, be worthy to stay—he needs someone to tell him what to do coz he might really lose it this time—

And there would be no second chances again.

“What should we do, then, Toru-san,” he softly asked, “I’m not thinking straight so fucking tell me what to do, I—,” he blinked away the tears forming—once again, goddammit—at the corner of his eyes, “We’ve waited for this break for god knows how long, and we wanted to make an awesome album, release it and go on a massive nationwide tour but—but how can we do that, now that even one of our singles won’t be released anymore?”

“Yeah,” Toru-san agreed beside him too quickly, his teeth worrying his lips, “And Gocchan said that our activities would be suspended for months—what?” the guitarist stared back at the three pairs of eyes which were suddenly looking at him in horror. Gone was the noisy background sounds from the video game, gone was the soft strumming of guitar—instead, there was silence—and three other members gawking at him as if he had just eaten a live chicken right there and then. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Taka deeply breathed—once, twice—until he had inhaled all of the fucking oxygen in the entire room—to prevent himself from just…throttling the younger man— _and his lover_ , for that matter—onto the ground and deliver painful slaps and kicks onto his body because no one wants to have a bloody Toru-san-pulp after Taka’s done with him.

And by “done” he doesn’t mean a night full of sexual gratification and pleasure—done where in Toru-san would be beaten almost to death. And it will be very, very painful, Taka narrowed his eyes as he clenched his hands into fists, very painful.

“Maybe,” god, he needs an award for successfully controlling his voice, “Maybe you should’ve said that very, very, veeeeery important matter to us, huh, Toru-san? You’re the leader, after all, right?”

“I am,” the gachapin-faced idiot blinked, “Didn’t I already said that earlier—,”

“No you didn’t, Toruge gaaah!!!” Tomoya screamed as the two of them peaked over the backrest of the couch they’re occupying, “You forgot to mention that important detail!”

“But—,”

“What do you mean that out activities would be suspended?!”

“Exactly like that,” the leader deadpanned, making the two gasped in unison, “Our activities would be halted for an indefinite amount of time—,”

“Indefinite?!”

Taka’s eye twitched at the panicked shrieks from the duo, “We’re all gonna sit here and do nothing for an indefinite amount of time?!” Tomoya asked, his narrow eyes widening like fucking balloons, “That will be the death of us!”

“Or,” Ryota gulped, audibly, and paused, making the atmosphere even more tensed, “the end of our band—,”

Oh. Okay, that’s it.

“Will you two fucking stop screaming?!” Taka screamed at the top of his voice, making Toru-san subtly—but I still noticed it, you fucker—"You shrieking like that doesn't really help our case!"

"As if your screaming does," the leader snorted beside him. Taka gave him a dirty look.

"Who asked your opinion, Toru-san?" he asked, making Tomoya whistled and Ryota gasped— _ouch, that burns!_ —in the background. "Besides, we all wouldn't be losing our shits here if you were just responsible enough to tell us about that..." he helplessly flailed his hand towards the guitarist, "that horrible news!"

"Well, I told you now—," he backed away when Taka raised his fist, as if he's gonna punch the idiot—well, I'm really, gonna do it, just you wait, you gachapin-faced bastard—, "Besides, even if you know it earlier, nothing will even change, right?"

Taka opened his mouth but his brain failed him—for the umpteenth time that day. Heck, since it's so useless. Why didn't I just sell it?! Might as well get some yen off it.

One part of his mind inwardly snorted in disdain, as if someone would actually buy it, idiot.

...

...

"So, instead of, you know, fighting over things that were already done," the guitarist said, easily adapting his oh-so mighty leader-sama voice, "Why don't we talk about the things we should do to ensure that this band would live on?"

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Things that would ensure that the band would live on, huh..._

Taka sniffled, adjusting the mask over his nose and mouth. It's been days since that conversation, and even if the issues had somehow mellowed down by now, the four pf them were still staying— _eating, sleeping, hanging out_ —together in his unit. No one wanted to leave, no one wanted to stray far, all of them were scared that someone—one of them—could possibly fucked up and do some ridiculous thing, like what Alex did, that would further ruin the band.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Ryota has been watching endless videos on how to play a five string bass guitar. He said that he needs to be stronger. Be better, and persists even more to improve himself and the rhythm section along with Tomo-kun. Taka was _speechless_ after seeing the look of pure determination on the bassist's face, wondering on what should—what must he do—to be of use to the band once more. The drummer, on the other hand, would go out to run to the kombini and buy stuffs—mostly food—because he had almost emptied Taka's stash of snack in his cup board. The _endless void_ that was Tomoya's stomach is something everyone should be scared of.

Taka shivered at that thought. How Tomoya managed to do that in a span of four days is beyond his comprehension anymore.

Anyways, aside from filling his stomach and reading manga’s, Taka would often watch the oldest man staring off the space, his hands gripping his sticks and relentlessly drumming them on his clothed thighs along with an unknown beat. It was intense, it was furious, and once again, Taka was reminded how exceptional Tomoya is—and how lucky ONE OK ROCK is for having him as their drummer.

_His talent shouldn't go to waste._

_I wouldn't let that happen,_ Taka promised as he pretended to be asleep once more. He could have been sleeping on his own bed, the mattress comfortable against his sore back but no—someone had barricaded himself inside Taka's room— _and yes, I'm glaring at you in my mind, Toru-san! That's my fucking room, you asshole!_

The dipshit even had the audacity to tell Taka to fuck off somewhere else when the vocalist attempted to enter his own room. _His room._ The leader has locked himself inside it refusing to leave the confines of the vocalist's room— _unless it's super necessary_ —to practice and learn all of the chords Alex used to play. Not only that but he was also rearranging them to be able to be played with only one guitars.

Everyone was so amazed, like fucking kids on their first time seeing the zoo, at first—when the leader took most of the tasks, most of the responsibilities. _Like a typical father would._ But days passed by, and when the leader refused to go out and even skipped most of the meals—Taka started getting worried for his lover.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"You're gonna die like that!" he snapped, standing beside the bed. He had graciously cooked chicken curry and brought it to his room, because he knows that he would have to be a sumo wrestler to drag the leader out of the bed, expecting that the younger would be starving as fuck right now.

But no, he can still see the bread and strawberry milk box on the night stand— _forgotten, untouched._ The guitarist didn't even bother to fish them out of the plastic bags, he was so busy strumming and making notes and cursing, and flinching whenever he strikes a chord wrong. He looks so tired, like a fucking zombie and there's this...this feeling...like there's an imaginary hand that plunged right into his chest, gripping his heart and squeezing it like a fucking wet cloth. It hurts, and while the guitarist is so lost in his own world, his body swaying along with the familiar yet so different tunes of their song—Taka could only stand there—watching still, completely useless. Toru-san probably didn't even notice his presence because he continued playing his beloved guitar as if Taka isn't there, as if Taka's heart is not getting pierced a thousand of times with every strum he made.

He swallowed the painful lump in his throat. He wanted to hug the guitarist, fall into his warm embrace and whimper all his insecurities and helplessness at the moment but—but this is not the right time for that. _Toru-san needs silence._ A peaceful environment and a supportive band mate—not a whining, wimpy, needy Takahiro anywhere near him.

He's a leader.

_He's our leader._

Of course, he would prioritize the band—

_But why does it hurt so much?_ Like...like Taka could imagine a future like this...where the guitarist is so keen on keeping the band alive, so keen on keeping them all together, that he could easily ignore Takahiro— _easily ignore his lover_ —like this.

He sniffled, and put the tray on the night stand. He gathered the plastic bands and the crumpled paper around it. Toru-san needs to focus right now, and Taka wouldn't destroy that by being a selfish little shit who always, _always_ wanted to be comforted—even if the guitarist is practically killing himself like that.

"I'll just..." he softly said, the strums of Kagerou heavy in the air, "I'll just leave it here. If you want them to be heated, just call me okay?"

There was no response.

Taka glanced at the leader, his eyes were closed, head swinging along the beat, biting his plump lower limp in concentration as he feels the music with his body. Taka sadly smiled and padded towards the door, softly pulling it ajar in order to not distract the guitarist.

But just as he was crossing the threshold, Toru-san finally spoke—

"Taka," he called out in a low, gruff voice.

The vocalist hesitantly glanced at the guitarist, his acoustic guitar perched on his lap, sheets of paper surrounding his spot on Taka's bed. Shadows played on the tad pale skin, most of his face were being shrouded by his long curly hair, but nonetheless, Taka find him attractive—more than his looks, Taka find this _man_ —find Toru-san— _his_ Toru-san attractive enough that it made tears swelled on the rim of his bloodshot eyes.

"Hai?"

Toru-san stopped plucking on the taut strings and looked at him—properly looked at him, this time—his huge, dead eyes staring— _shining_ —at Taka's form as a small, small smile split across his thin lips.

"Thank you for everything."

Taka was at lost. What's there to thank for? What had he done? Nothing—while everyone is too focused on getting better, where was Taka? Where is he when everyone strives to improve. To be a better form of themselves?

Where was he?

_In his own corner,_ crying his eyed out and allowing all the anxiety and insecurity and doubt to crash on him. Everyone was offering him a helping hand, but he's turning them all away—saying, pretending that he's alright—but now that everyone is slowly, steadily moving on, he's whining on not being able to help at anything?

What the fuck, Takahiro?

_What the actual fuck?_

He stiffly nodded, his throat constricting like a vice grip as he stared at his socked feet. He needs to do his laundry soon.

"You're welcome," he said, trying to sound strong and not...so close to bursting into another sobbing fit, " _Anything for you, Toru-san._ "

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

So, in the next morning, Taka decided to man up. He volunteered to so the shopping for today—and yes, he did that—after he got his first tattoo.

It was the bat one he's blabbering about the other day. The one that signifies ONE OK rock's situation at the moment-—the one who symbolizes their aim. They might be in the darkest right now, but that won't stop them from flying and reaching their destinations. Blinded as they are, Taka will make sure that they could push through this.

_We will not lose._

And so, he went and get that shit. Then he went shopping, before he received the news from Gocchan that Alex was finally let out of the prison. The case was settled outside the court, the girl not pursing to sue the half-American in exchange of something that Taka couldn't bother to understand anymore because his mind was _busy—_

Busy seeing the light, busy seeing their band whole and with five members again that he hastily called the others to tell them the news—to tell them that there's a possibility that Alex could still go back into ONE OK ROCK—

—Only to be met by a red-faced, panting Ryota who probably ran all the way from his unit. He can see Tomoya far behind, wheezing, puffs of air escaping his mouth as he tried to catch up with the bassist.

" _Muri deshou_!" Ryota bellowed, doubling over his knees in over exhaustion—shouting as if Taka isn't just a few feet away from him—, "It's already impossible for him to come back, Mori-chan, so don't waste your time!"

He was struck speechless after that. Ryota's words echoing into his mind long after that scandalous scene on the busy sidewalks. They had gone home, ate and drank and cleaned up their mess and even until now, with the three of them rolling out the futons on the floor to sleep—Taka couldn't forget those words.

_Was it really impossible?_

Heck, would there be even a place for Alex when he gets back in the first place?

Or did everyone had already made up their mind to continue without the lead guitarist. He was so confused, and the fact that Toru-san isn't here to feed him reassurances and words that would blow the fog away from his reasoning isn't really helping at all.

So when the two idiots finally started snoring, Taka carefully sat up and stared at the now silent room. it was messy, limbs and futons sprawled here and there—opened bags of chips and soda cans littering the floor—and yet he wouldn’t dare to reprimand everyone for literally…trashing out his unit. They’re here, and that’s all what matters.

_They’re here._

_And so is Alex,_ he thought, glancing at the closed door of his bedroom. He can hear the faint sound of the relentless guitar playing from the bedroom. Toru-san won’t mind it, if he’s gone for a moment, right?

Right?

Besides…

He really wants to see him…ask him if he’s alright and…

_And…_

Taka sighed, stood u and grabbed his wallet and keys and putting a face mask, before silently leaving the unit—totally not noticing the two pairs of eyes following his frame and exchanging confused, worried looks the moment he pressed the door closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit parts/lines taken from articles and interviews:
> 
> "But I was absolutely against getting a new guitarist, because I couldn’t imagine the feeling of a new person joining us. And from Taka, I was hearing things like how Alex might come back. I ran into him on the roadside. The moment I met him, I thought, “It’s still impossible!”"  
> \- Ryota, [Rockin on Japan, June 2012 band interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29464734392/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-5)
> 
> _"Then Toru holed up in his house for about half a year, practicing the whole time, and even the four of us got into good shape…… I think for Toru, it was a good opportunity._ "  
> \- Ryota, [Musica: September 2012 Ryota Interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/38504106330/musica-september-2012-ryota-interview)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _" thought Toru was going to die if he kept going on by himself like that. Toru didn’t want to add another guitar. He didn’t want to put Ryota in either._
> 
>  
> 
> _"I met Alex after that. I’m the only one who went. I went to meet him not as a band, but as a friend."_
> 
>  
> 
> \- Taka, [Rockin on Japan, June 2012 band interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29464734392/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-5)
> 
> I'm really trying to put the shit all in the canon timeline but gaaaah whatever T^T
> 
> Thanks for reading~! Please tell me your thoughts, ne??


	75. Bon Voyage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I hope you find another life  
> Maybe you’ll start getting better  
> We should know, we should know  
> It’s over"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll see Alex-senpai in this chapter hohohoho will it be his last appearance?!
> 
> Disclaimer: OOR is not mine.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, this is DREAMER's last week hohoho

_I’m such an idio_ t, Taka thought as he stared at the blank apartment door across his face. it’s already late, and he went here, _not really sure_ if the lead guitarist is still in his unit or somewhere else. Well, he’d want to have a moment of peace and be away from the media, fans and other people who would love him to make a statement or something—so yeah, Taka was really and idiot for coming here.

 _But I’m already here,_ he raised his fist and softly rapped on the door, _there’s no turning back now—_

No one answered the door, and yet, Taka could hear some shuffling behind the wood. The person beyond the door is probably hesitating to open it, and Taka couldn’t really blame them for being so precautious especially what happened just recently.

“I-it’s me,” he said, after knocking once more, “Takahiro. I just…I just want to talk to Alex—,”

He wasn’t even done saying the sentence when the door was hastily pulled open, the bright yellow lights flooding onto the corridor, onto Taka’s face—blinding him for a brief moment, _gaaaah!!!—_ before his vision finally cleared up, revealing the familiar tall form of their lead guitarist.

Alex…

_Alex is here and yet—_

He—Taka’s wide eyes roamed on the half-American’s face—his hair is disheveled, stubbles growing on his chin and jaws, his clothes were crumpled and there’s a shit-ton of dark skin under his eyes—so much that it could actually rival _Toru-san’s wide collection of eye bags._

He—

“Y-you looked like shit!” he blurted out—making the two of them blinked in shock—amusement—and then— _relief—_

“Well,” Alex hesitantly laughed—so soft, so hollow and different from the loud, annoying guffaws he always let out with them, “thanks for the warm welcome— _ack!”_

Taka dove for the bastard, grabbed the collar of his ugly shirt and punched him—really, _really_ punched him—as much as his short limbs could allow him. He was furious, how the man could just smile and drop a casual shit like that; he was furious, that Alex had caused all of this trouble, all of the cancellations of their tours and singles and probably the album too; he was furious that the half-American’s five minutes of drunken stupidity led them to months of inactivity but above all he was furious—he was mad, angry, he was livid because this man caused too much trouble and yet— _and yet—_

“That’s for fucking up the band!” he growled and raised his hand to back slap the seemingly dazed guitarist. Alex tried to evade but the back of Taka’s hand still managed to hit his jaw, the loud sound of hand smacking against skin echoing loudly in the _genkan_ , “And that’s—that’s for making us all worry for your stupid, stupid ass, you goddamned idiot!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, not really caring about the neighbors or the police because now— _Alex is here_ —and despite looking like a zombie—like Toru-san’s zombie _twin_ —Taka is still glad _, so much happy_ that he’s fine and back and just…just—, “Do you know how worried we were when the news came up, huh?!”

The lead guitarist flinched, massaging the skin of his jaws while he warily looked at Taka with bleak, tired eyes. He didn’t say a word, but Taka could see the relief, the shame, the doubt in those eyes and that’s enough—for now. he could stop hitting him— _for now._

“We tried talking to you, but we couldn’t connect—,”

“Maa, the officers confiscated my phone—,”

“And then all the news went shit and we’ve been staying in my unit for days now, because the band activities were all suspended—,” the half-American didn’t even bat an eye at that terrible news, instead, he just stared at his socked feet—as if they’re the most interesting thing in the world. “We we’re so anxious waiting for you—,”

“Waiting?”

Taka’s head snapped towards the guitarist’s face at the sharp sound of his voice. He sounds scratchy, like he hadn’t spoken for days, like he had cried and screamed for hours and just a word, and Taka’s already hating the sound of it.

“Waiting for me?” he asked, once more, making Taka’s brows knitted in confusion, “Is there even a place for me in the band anymore?”

Taka felt his insides clenched painfully at that question. So soft, so simple and yet his brain failed to do another job of thinking of a proper response. He wanted to say, yes of course— _you’re our family, there’s always be a spot for you_ —but the daily conversations about their plans, about the future, about their dreams without including their lead guitarist comes back to his mind, making his head swirl and hurts like fuck—

“We—,”

“What are you really doing here, Mori-chan?” Alex asked, a hint of annoyance evident in his voice as he side stepped, showing Taka a glimpse of his messy unit—it looks still the same, manga’s all over the floor and on the bed, beer cans and food shits on the low table, the tatami mat was still worn and old but amidst the familiarity of the half-American’s room, Taka’s eyes decided to focused on one thing he hadn’t seen in that unit before. Nor he had ever dreamt of seeing once again—because it reminded him of his younger days— _clothes strewn everywhere, screaming in the background, his baby brothers crying and crying—his Mom pulling his hand, a suitcase rolling behind them—_

_A suitcase._

Alex is packing up.

And judging by the size of it, it seems like he won’t be just taking a week off. Taka let his wide, almond-shaped eyes roamed into the unit—suddenly noticing how bare it is, the closets were opened, there were sealed boxes in the corner, and all the guitars were suited in their respective leather cases.

He felt his brain about to explode any moment from now at the conclusion he’s slowly reaching, before his eyes finally focused on the man standing across him once more. He doesn’t look like he’s guilty at all, in fact, it actually seems like he had intentionally wanted Taka to see this, to know that—that their lead guitarist is actually—

“Alex, you…” Taka muttered in disbelief, “…you’re _leaving…_?”

 

 

Taka gripped the canned juice on his hand tightly. He’s not really thirsty, but he needs something to hold on to, something he could get _his hands busy of,_ because he’ll surely retch at himself or the walls there due to severe anxiety or something. The guitarist invited him inside—which was just for formality, probably, because Taka had already invited himself into the _genkan_ when he attacked the flag-pole guitarist earlier. He told him hoe his days in the custody of the police went on, and how Gocchan talked to him about the current status of the band.

_No wonder the fucker isn’t even surprised with all the news I blurted out earlier._

He told him every details and Taka did the same, from how the band met the news with anger and shits all while Toru-san remained calm and stoic and clear-headed.

 

 

“As expected of the leader,” Alex nodded in appreciation earlier, when he told him that Toru-san is now studying all the chords and rearranging their songs to fit only one guitar. For a moment, the blank, teasing look on the half-American’s face was replaced with a proud one—like a brother happy for the achievements of his younger sibling—and at that moment, Taka felt the now familiar heaviness against his chest once more. Toru-san would lose his senpai—his upperclassman—who was there when he started the band years ago, and yet, he was still so keen on pushing forward, even if that means that he would practically leaving the man behind.

_But we gotta move forward, right?_

“H-he’s strong,” Taka said, once he finally regains the ability to think and speak once again, “He’s prissy and looking more annoyed than usual, but he’s doing what he’s supposed to do. Doing what _you’re supposed to be doing, Alex_ …” he narrowed his eyes towards the guitarist.

The taller man glared back at him, crossing his arms over his built chest.

“I really _never_ liked you that much, Mori-chan,” he confessed—making Taka caught off-guard. What the hell, where’s that statement coming from?! He already knows that there’s this…kind of bad blood between him and the lead guitarist but to suddenly say that out of nowhere?!

“Ouch—,”

“You just came into the studio that night, glaring at everyone and talking down to my precious kouhai like you’re the fucking _king_ ,” he continued, ignoring the completely lost, dumb look on Taka’s face, “You’re prissy, moody, and only Toru could tolerate you for the longest time and even him can get really mad at your bossy, immature attitude sometimes—,”

“Well, I—,”

“But you can _sing_ —,” the expression on the model’s face changed, and Taka feels like his stomach is doing summersaults within him at that look, “You can do whatever Toru couldn’t, hence why he stalked the fuck out of you, nee?”

“Can you not remind me of that creepy stalking shit—,”

“—then you started claiming your spot, claiming your name as the vocalist of the band—you started making songs, suggesting melodies and doing heart-felt MC’s—and I had a hard time accepting that the cold, all-glaring motherfucker— _oh, no, no, don’t fucking throw that juice_ —!”

Taka’s hand stopped mid-air, his entire being wanting nothing but to smash the unopened can on the guitarist’s face for harshly saying those stuffs to him—he breathed through his nose, once, twice, before finally putting the goddamned can down on his lap.

This idiom is not worth it.

“—cool,” Alex grinned across him, “Nice tattoo by the way.”

Taka consciously turned his wrist away from the leering eyes of the guitarist. “Thanks. I got it…just recently…”

Alex sniffed, nodding, “A lot has happened during the time I was gone huh…maybe…maybe a lot more stuffs will happen— _better stuffs_ will happen if I would actually leave the band, nee?”

Taka stared at the man. Oh, how he wanted to stop him from talking like that…like he’s finally saying goodbye…but what could he do?!

“I—we—,” Taka swallowed hard, — _damn maybe he needed a drink after all?_!—, “The band has decided…it’s not like we really wanted to do it…to kick you out or something but…everyone has decided and—and—,”

“You gotta move forward, I know,” Alex stiffly said in agreement, “What I did was wrong—very, _very_ stupid of me—,”

Taka scoffed.

“—and when I was with the police, I was thinking of how much I would love to be with you again—play with you guys, hang out with you, make songs and do stupid stuffs, and laugh—,”

Taka gripped the hem of his shirt at that, not really liking the way Alex is expressing his desires to keep up with the band. It hurts—it hurts so fucking much but Taka must hold on—Taka must be strengthening his resolve and not give in to his emotions once more.

“—and experience that _high_ ,” Alex dreamily sighed, “—when adrenaline is rushing through your veins while performing solos and music in front of a crowd—be it in a small live house or in AX or in Zepp—I craved for that, contemplating if I should have slid into my knees the moment I see you all again…”

There was a passing car outside, the bright head lights filtering through the open blinds, the golden lights playing on the now somber face of the guitarist. Gone was the hopeful smile, gone was the youthful face, and all what was left was a shell of a _broken, exhausted, and hopeless man._

“…but when the case was finally settled and I was allowed to go out,” he continued with a softer, slower voice, “I realized how I totally fucked everything up—have read the news and the comments and heard the shits from Gocchan and then I realize that—maybe— _maybe_ you really don’t have a need for someone like me after all—,”

“That’s—,”

“No,” the guitarist raised his palm to stop Taka from saying anything at all, “I know what you’re thinking when you went here. I know that you’re worried, but from the determined look on your face when you were telling how the band is faring earlier, I already know that you came here to talk to me and tell that there’s no place for me to come back anymore—,”

No, no—

That’s—

_That’s not—_

_Shut up_ , his mind snapped at him. _Shut the fuck up and listen to him._

“I know that Ryota could do better, Tomoya is already so good but he can still grow better and Toru—that _lovesick, dumb, always dazed kouhai of mine_ , has really the guts to the stuffs. He can make it a reality, you know,” Alex offered him a soft smile and Taka doesn’t know how to react at that. Naturally, he huffed and acted like the smug little shit he is.

“O-of course!” he scoffed, “He’s the leader, and even if he’s totally clueless and staring at nothing most of the time, I know that Toru-san could pull it off. I _trust_ him.”

“Of course you do,” the soft smile turned into a wide smirk—the one he had been so used on seeing on the man’s thin lips—, “You have to trust him if you’re allowing him to _thrust_ into you—,”

“GAAAAAH!!!” Taka couldn’t help it anymore, he tossed the fucking can of juice towards the howling guitarist, missing him like shit because of his non-existent aim, “I will fucking kill you for saying that shit!!!”

_How did he even know that I’m at the receiving end—_

“Coz my dear kouhai would definitely not take it into his ass!” Alex-guffawed evading the crumpled bunch of clothes Taka is throwing at his direction.

“Oh my god, you’re gonna be so fucking dead, you fucking—,”

“Too much _fucking_ in a sentence, Mori-chan,” Alex clutched his stomach as Taka attempted to lift the goddamned low table, but it was heavy so he had just royally failed—in front of this man, no less—, “Is it because you’re _having too much_ of it—!”

“I will castrate you with a spoon, you bastard!”

The guitarist—finally—paled at that. The mental image was probably too much for his head, so he just raised both of his arms in defeat, “Okay, okay, fine I’ll stop. But really—,”

Taka’s glare burns like fucking lasers towards the half-American’s face.

“—it’s not hard to figure out who’s _taking_ it,” he said, and Taka was so close in just jumping the man and slap him senseless—bandmate _, family or not_ —, “coz you’re always the one who looks disheveled as fuck whenever you appeared after suddenly going MIA after the shows, you know.”

Taka felt his face heated up at that, “What the fuck—,”

“Which actually brings us to a very important topic, Mori-chan.”

He tilted his head, his annoyed side screaming for the guitarist’s blood. I mean, what’s more important than talking about Alex and the band’s future, respectively?!

“What,” he spat.

“How long can you keep _that_ hidden?”

Taka’s brows furrowed at that. What the fuck is this bastard talking about right now? What’s there to hide—

He froze—

“They won’t be so accepting of your relationship with our guitarist here,” Alex said, making Taka gasped in shock, because holy cow, are they really gonna talk about Toru and Taka’s affair, right here, right now?!

_Matte, matte, I’m not mentally prepared for this!_

Toru-san might’ve loved it when this asshole is talking and preaching to him like a total love expert but Taka would rather run to the traffic and fucking die than to have this very, very awkward conversation with this grinning dipshit!

“We’re not—,”

“The media won’t be nice to you, Mori-chan—learn from my experience—and accept it, the Japanese society is still not that open to those kinds of relationship,” the man continued, “Remember your interview last year where you said you’re ‘BI’ in the magazine?”

Taka hesitantly nodded, recalling how their then small fan-base acted as if that shit never happened, saying that it was probably ‘bipolar’ instead of ‘bisexual.’

“They don’t wanna ruin your image—the band’s image, and if the media caught, even a small whiff of your relationship, what do you think will happen to the band?”

Fear rose to Taka’s nerves as easily as that. How—why—

His mouth felt dry, and he can taste the bitter bile climbing up his throat at the thought of that—tabloids bearing their names everywhere, the word HOMO splayed out, printed in bold for everyone to see—everyone looking at them with clear disgust and ridicule in their judging eyes and the band—

_God, the motherfucking band—_

_We’ll be destroyed,_ his mind supplied the words he really doesn’t wanna hear, _we’ll be totally, irreversibly destroyed. To fucking pieces, broken to the point of no return._

“What,” Taka gulped and decided to avert his glaring eyes on his lap, “What are you saying? Y-you—you want me to _break u_ p with Toru-san?”

And just as those fear zapped through his system, a different kind of anger started to swell within him. It was his private life— _whatever he does, whoever he fucks and loves should never be anyone else’ business—_ he should be remembered as a musician, as ONE OK ROCK’s vocalist—people should only know about that and not poke their noses into his affairs—

“It’s my life,” he looked up at the guitarist, “I can decide whoever I want to be with and everyone could fuck their ways to hell—,”

“But every decision would have consequences, Mori-chan,” Alex easily retorted, “I’m not saying that you two should break up, gods, I can’t imagine a day without you clinging like a needy shit—,”

“Careful, Alex,” he warned, hands patting the tatami floor in search for his new weapon to stab this bastard with, “ _Careful._ ”

The half-American cleared his throat before continuing, “—anyways, I really can’t see the two of you parting, but hey, maybe you should just be more careful in the future, then? I mean, we—,” the guitarist’s face was contorted with a frown for a split-second, “— _you,_ don’t need another massive fuck up like I did, so be very, very careful from now on, okay?”

Taka stared at the man, allowing the silence to flow the entire unit. He…he can’t believe that this asshole is really giving him…love advices…but hey, he’s the most experienced one among them, and maybe he should just take a page from his book or something?

“I—we’ll try—,” he said, but his mind is already working a mile a second. Try? Can he really try not to be overly affectionate with the guitarist? Can he control the looks, the desires and jealous outbursts whenever he’s around with Toru-san? Hell, no. But to actually risk what was remaining of the band’s integrity for their relationship…

_Oh gods, my head hurts like shit all over again._

“Good,” Alex nodded in approval, before he jerked a thumb towards his suitcases, “I need to finish packing up. I won’t be leaving until the end of next week, but I gotta ship out the bigger shits in cargo or something.”

And just like that, Taka’s stomach dropped again at the thought that their friend—that their lead—no, former—lead guitarist is actually leaving them—leaving the country for all that matters.

“You—,” Taka started, “You know that I would always love if you can come back to us, right? That I actually fight for it—,” his breath hitched at the sad smile forming on the guitarist’s lips, “But just as they said, there’s some sacrifices to be done, and decisions to be made and we all agreed—,”

“That _it’ll be better_ without me—,”

“That it would be the best if we would persevere in our own _separate_ ways,” he grinded out, “Even if you’ve been a shit since the first time I’ve met you, I’ve treated you like a friend—like a member of our family—,” he glared at the taller man when he snorted at his cheesy words—, “...and even if you totally ruined us," he inwardly grinned when the man visibly flinched at his bluntness, "I still couldn't bring myself to hate you, coz who the fuck am I to judge people based on their mistakes? _Me?_ The rotten piece of shit who smoke and went batshit rebellious during my younger years? Me, who ran away from home and decided to live an unknown, miserable life? I mean," Taka swallowed down as he stared at the mean's flickering gaze, noticing how those eyes start to glazed over with unshed tears, " _We all make mistakes_ , Alex, but it doesn't have to be the only thing that would define us."

Alex looked down, blinking rapidly, seemingly bowing low in front of the vocalist.

"Such great words from the _mighty Moriuchi Takahiro."_

"Don't call me Moriuchi," he hissed, helplessly flailing his hand. Damn, it would be better if Toru-san is here to support him and stop him from making a complete fool of himself in front of this guy who actually loves seeing him acting like a dumbfuck, "As I was saying, we forgive you— _I forgive you,_ even if you didn't even apologize, you dimwitted fool—and for the love of god, _live a good life_ , okay?"

Alex breathed, so deep Taka got scared that the half-American might inhaled him or something, before letting out an exhausted sigh. He smiled at Taka, eyes glistening with the tears he's been desperately trying so hard to not shed in front of him.

"I..." he started, lips suddenly quivering and shoulders shaking as he gulped over and over again, "I guess that would be the best decision, after all huh..."

Taka didn't say anything more after that. He bid him goodbye, closing the door, but not without hearing the soft, barely audible sniffles behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Goodbye, Alex._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit parts/lines taken from articles and interviews:
> 
>  
> 
> _"The moment I met him, I thought about how I was certain about the decision to continue with the four of us. I thought, everything’s okay now. I thought that now of course, he had to keep going by himself and do his best._
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> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Honestly. He’s an interesting fellow...I can’t hate him."_
> 
>  
> 
> \- Taka, [Rockin on Japan, June 2012 band interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29464734392/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-5)


	76. Pieces of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah I am broken up in two  
> Just matching perfectly with you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Taka...
> 
>  Just a few mooooooreeeeee~
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. OOR is not mine.

Taka ran— _wild and fast_ —through the almost empty streets leading to his home. He wanted to _scream,_ he wanted to _cry,_ he wanted to dash towards the leader and hug him and wail like a fucking child—it hurts so much—the emotions within him are clashing against one another—the wants, the needs, the regrets, the loss, the yearning, the doubts, and _everything_ —it was _dizzying_ , it was _maddening_ and it feels like his chest would explode any moment from now.

“Ahhhh!!!” he yelled at the top of his voice, not caring about the police or if the few passerby’s are now looking at him as if he’s a headless chicken running around the streets, _“Ahhhhhh!!!”_

They had lost a member—they had lost a friend, they had lost a family— _but despite that loss,_ he can now clearly see the future—he just wants to run forward towards it. Despite not knowing what the future holds, Taka can now set the line— _set their goals and run_ —dash towards it—towards their dreams—

_I wanna sing—_

_I wanna scream—_

He wants to write songs— _lines after lines, words after words, notes after notes—_ turn this anger and frustration into something aggressive, something sharp, something tangible—turn all of this emotions into songs and beats—turn this overwhelming emotions into _music—_

He’ll learn to do stuffs— _more stuffs_ —learn to play keyboard, get better at guitar, heck he’ll try new stuffs—just for the band—

And there’s also the people waiting— _hopefully_ —for them to come back. They should pay the back, with grateful hearts for worrying over them, for patiently waiting for them. They couldn’t waste time and spend the months of inactivity by doing nothing. They should make songs, _yes_ ; they should be better version of themselves, _yes_ ; and they should all be aware of their roles in the responsibilities in the band right now.

From a hard-to-balance pentagon, they would be now a square—no matter how simple that analogy is—their responsibilities and connections with each other would all be equal and we could increase their efficiency like that.

But first—

_“—you, don’t need another massive fuck up like I did, so be very, very careful from now on, okay?”_

He needs to be careful. So fucking careful about that shit—or better— _or better yet—_

He glanced forward, and with his wide, teary eyes, he could make out the familiar face and figure of the person he had wanted to see the most at this moment. His sprints gradually slowed down into steps, until he was just carefully padding towards Toru-san’s form—stopping a few meters away from him. It was unfair, how the leader would just magically pop out of nowhere whenever Taka is about to lose all of his shits, it was unfair how his mere presence— _how his face could do wonders to Taka’s heart_ —makes it jump, makes it beat faster, makes it yearned for another heartbeat against his chest.

_“What are you saying? Y-you—you want me to break up with Toru-san?”_

Fear rose in Taka’s blood as he stared at the ever composed face of the rhythm— _no, not anymore_ —of their _only_ guitarist, watching as his lips slowly curled in a lazy smile as he regarded Taka with those seemingly bored, heavily-lidded eyes, “So, you sneaked out just to run around screaming your head off?”

“I—!” Taka scowled, shoving his hands into the pocket of his jeans, pouting, “I’m not, what are you even doing here?! Weren’t you supposed to be…locking yourself up in my room playing your beloved guitar?”

“Jealous of my guitar, now, Takahiro—,”

“Son of a bitch—!”

“Okay, okay, calm the fuck down,” the guitarist crossed the small distance between them and put his arm over Taka’s shoulder, dragging him towards the opposite direction of his house, “You’re so high-strung these days. Let’s take a break for a while, ne?”

Taka didn’t inwardly flinch at the word _“break.”_ No, _not at all._

He tired shaking the heavy arm off his shoulders, “Why are you even here?! You’re busy, remember?!”

Toru-san just grinned down at him, “I wanna have some drinks, just a few then we’ll go home, okay?”

Taka huffed, but stopped dragging his shoes onto the paved ground. If the guitarist wants to have a drink, fine, “It’s your treat!”

“What—,”

“You’ll buying me drinks coz this is your stupid idea!” he said and rubbed the tip of his nose with his left hand, not noticing how Toru-san’s eyes darted towards the exposed inside of his wrist. An amused smirk from on those thin lips as they stopped walking, Toru-san grabbing the wrist— _gently,_ carefully—as he turned it over and examined the small inked drawing of a bat over the scarred flesh.

“W-what the fuck are you looking at!” Taka tried pulling his arm back, “Give me back my hand, you fucker!”

Toru-san snorted and let go of his hand, “You actually did the tattoo, huh? That’s so brave of you.”

“I’m just being responsible—,”

“For turning your lies into reality?”

Taka shot the younger teen a nasty look. “Hai. This will be…the last time I’ll lie to everyone, though,” he mumbled as he massaged the skin around his wrist, “It doesn’t feel good, and I don’t want others to do that to me, too, so—,”

“You’re so selfish,” Toru-san hummed, Taka glared at him but the guitarist just shrugged his shoulders off and started walking towards the Izakaya district again, “Doing things because you wouldn’t want others to do it to you.”

“Isn’t it the golden rule or something?”

“The fuck if I know?” Toru-san said before glancing back at him, head tilted in a questioning manner, “How did it went?”

“What?” Taka looked up at him, confusion marring his face, “What are you talking about?”

“You went to Alex-senpai,” Toru-san said, his voice was not laced with any hint of betrayal or anger nor accusation. He was just…stating the fact, and Taka, once again, finds it weird how the man quickly transcends from being a hyperactive young adult to a man of few words in a matter of days.

He seemed to suddenly matured, Taka thought before he started rubbing the back of his head in hesitation. Should he really tell him everything? How about the part about being careful about their relationship?

“It…it went fine?” he said, he, himself sounding so unsure that he wanted to smash his head onto the nearest hard object for sounding so dumb.

“Sure?”

Taka stared at the man—noticing how those steeled, tired eyes softened while looking at Taka, wordlessly telling him that _it’s alright to be weak now_ , that it’s alright to fall now and break into pieces because Toru-san _would be there_ to catch him, to put him back all together, so Taka heaved a deep, deep breath—desperately trying to fight the urge to just…bawl over and cry once again.

“Sure,” he said with a shaky voice, “I’m sure, Toru-san.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _That was a total lie_ because the moment they started drinking, Taka has already been on the verge of tears. They talked and talked like the good all days about their plans and what would change, now that Alex has finally left the band. Taka asked the guitarist if he could do that alone, to carry all the responsibilities of being their sole guitarist. The leader, of course, nodded in affirmation— _because he’s still a smug, confident bastard, amidst all this chaos after all_ —and Taka let a snide comment about Toru-san being too arrogant on his skills or something.

“You’re not even perfect as a guitarist,” he slurred, watching as the man wrinkled his nose across the table—bottles of alcohol and plates of yakitori spread all over it—, “Not even as good as Alex, so are you sure you can take this job all by yourself, Toru-san?”

He might have struck a wrong chord at that, when the guitarist took a long moment to answer. He sighed, downing another cup of beer before staring at Taka with hazed eyes.

“I know that, you don’t have to remind me of that,” he said, making Taka inwardly cower in fear and guilt, “I’m not that good at guitar and would never think of myself as someone who has perfected the craft. But you see…” he said, looking down on the table, “I want to meet Alex-senpai too—,”

Taka’s eyes widened at that, _what for?!_

“—I want to show him how I’m doing with all these stuffs, wanna ask him more about playing our songs, and if—if he approves of me then it’ll be the biggest achievement I could ask for, you know?”

Taka felt the tears prickled at the rim of his eyes at that. Toru-san is really— _he had really grown up, mou!_ He had matured, leaving everyone behind his dust—thinking about everything, thinking about everyone, dedicating every inch of himself to the band. And not even his insecurities and inferiority about being the only guitarist could make him stop, could make him hesitate and sulk in a corner.

_He had grown up._

And Taka _should_ too. He wiped the tears that were now casually cascading on his flustered cheeks. _I don’t wanna lose too, I have to try harder—like everyone is doing—even if it costs—_

Even if it costs something so precious to him _because I—I absolutely must not crush this band. He will be committed to this—the band, and only the band_ —with all of his mind, body and soul—and as for his heart—

As for his heart—

He sniffled once more, almost sobbing when Toru-san reached a hand forward to ruffle his messy hair. His feelings would never change—but his priorities would—had—and Taka—

_I love Toru-san but I—_

I—

He blearily glanced at the invisible spot between his folded legs and the edge of the table—his mind working double to weigh his decisions, to make a hierarchy of his priorities in life---what would make the _band_ happy, what would make the _management_ happy, what would make the _fans_ happy—he thought about the decision he’ll be making— _the consequences_ , how Toru-san might react on that—with Taka suddenly deciding things on his _own_ again, without even consulting his…his lover. He might get mad, and he might hate Taka but emotions and other feelings like that were not needed at this moment. They gotta be quick, gotta be aggressive to reclaim their name, gotta be careful to keep the remaining integrity of the band. There’s so much things Taka suddenly wanted to do— _as a performer, as a vocalist_ —he wants to grip the microphone once again, run from corner to corner and sing the songs—send the melodies, and convey the messages of the lyrics to everyone who’s willing to listen to them.

Suddenly, the future with Toru-san—just with Toru-san, just loving Toru-san _wasn’t enough anymore._

He wants _more_ —wants the deafening screams of the crowd, wants the thousands of faces grinning and singing happily back to him, wants the loud, loud music playing all around him—halls, arenas, and domes—the foreign stages and Music Festivals— _he suddenly wants them all, see them all_ —with Toru-san standing _beside him,_ playing his guitar, looking at him, amidst the crowd.

And he knows that they wouldn’t be able to reach that with what they have right now. Their love for each other won’t keep them alive, won’t keep this band alive—so Taka had to—

Had to do this because now—

_I—I—_

He gasped, letting out a frustrated sigh before he tearfully smiled back at the guitarist.

He loves ONE OK ROCK _more than anything_ in the world right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"But getting down to it in the end, Toru was giving his all, and he was stable. Somehow or other, I followed him. I was like, “Things will come around” (laughs). That was good."_
> 
>  
> 
> \- Taka, [Rockin on Japan, June 2012 band interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/29464734392/rockinon-japan-june-oor-interview-part-5)
> 
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> 
>  
> 
> _"He really does his best, and he’s always properly looking at things calmly. I often think, “As expected of the leader,” and when he’s not there, I’m troubled."_
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> 
> _"But when the two of us went drinking after a performance for a previous tour, I was on the verge of tears. [?] Alex quit, and the two guitars we’d had up until then became one. If you asked whether he could support it himself, that’s not how it was. [?] Even now if you said he’s perfect as a guitarist, I think he’s not yet. But he shouldered his feeling of dread about being alone and a sense of responsibility–apparently he went to see Alex once and talked about a lot of things. At the time, he said to me, “I’m not good at guitar, and I probably won’t think of myself as perfect. But if Alex approves of me, then that moment will be the first time I will have been recognized.” He has that kind of personality, so when he was about to tell me, I really cried. [?] After that, my feelings toward him changed, and I thought I had to try harder too._
> 
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>  
> 
> \- Taka, [Musica: September 2012 Taka Interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/31947756292/musica-september-2012-taka-interview)
> 
>  
> 
> Lol, how did your feelings changed, Taka? Will it be for the better or for the worse, hmmmm?
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading~! Just a few more chapters! Can you see the end, now??


	77. C.H.A.O.S.M.Y.T.H.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Pranking about, also fooling around  
> And Trivial things has been said  
> "Smile while crying, Together we consoled  
> So I will sing this never-ending song!  
> Dream as if you will live forever  
> And live as if you'll die today
> 
> We all, we all  
> Have unforgettable and precious treasure  
> It'll last forever, it'll last forever"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Alex-senpai's last appearance T^T and the third to the last chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A few days after Mori-chan appeared—looking wild and like a confused little puppy— _okay, don’t tell Toru that I said that, the protective fucker might actually gut him alive for thinking that his precious Takahiro is like a puppy_ —Alex opened his door, once again, to see a band— _former, I mean_ —former band mate standing across the threshold.

He stared at the young man, now almost reaching his height. He looks awfully like his kouhai, minus the long, wavy, jet black hair cascading on the sides of his face. instead, the man is sporting a very fierce, very “I would kill you my glares” kind of look, oozing this scary yakuza-like aura. He looks and stands like Toru, heck he even had his guitar case slinging on his shoulder but—

_But—_

“What the fuck did you do to your hair?!” he asked, loud and shocked as he stared at the now short-cropped hair of the leader. And to make it worst, the fucker actually dyed his hair blonde.

“Shut up—,”

“You look like a _new born chick_ , you ahahaha—,” Alex jumped backwards, clutching his stomach as tears formed at the corner of his eyes. He already knows that Mori-chan and Toru have some weird fashion sense, I mean just look at how they dressed in the past few months but for the guitarist to actually adopt a…look like this— “Pffft—!”

“Oh, shut the fuck up, mou!” the leader grabbed his guitar case and brandished it like a deadly weapon—well, it might actually be deadly if he decided to smash it against Alex’s head—, “this is the first time we actually met for weeks, and that’s the first thing you said to me?!”

“Well,” he put his hand over his chest for more…dramatic effects, “I wasn’t expecting that my pop-punk _homo_ —,”

“WHAT—,”

“—emo, _pop-punk emo_ —will you put that guitar away, you’re in _my_ house and you can’t just threaten me with your guitar!” he growled, making the young man pout and slowly retract his beloved instrument. Alex let out a breath of relief when he felt the distance between his pretty face and the lather case grow by every second, “I wasn’t expecting that my emo kouhai would suddenly transformed into a golden chick in a matter of few weeks!”

Oh, a chill ran down his spine at the murderous glare the guitarist threw on his direction, kowai, kowai!

When the glares didn’t soften and all that he can hear from the leader was his loud growling, Alex sighed and raised both of his arms in defeat. Seems like this would be the _last time_ he would give some shitty advice to his precious kouhai, so they might as well go through it.

“Okay, okay, I’ll shut up,” he said, visibly relaxing when the ominous aura around the younger dissipated in an instance, “It’s been weeks, eh? What’s up, Toru?”

 

 

Alex hummed as they both waited for the last riff to reverberates into the silence of his unit. Toru has insisted to play all the songs he rearranged in front of the lead—former, he reminded himself—former lead guitarist of ONE OK ROCK. He said that he must gain his Alex-senpai’s— _oh you poor, tsundere boy_ —approval before he heads out to seek the other’s acknowledgement.

“I mean, you’re the guitarist,” he said while setting his guitar over his lap. The _impudent little shit_ actually invited himself into his unit, without even asking his upperclassman for permission, “So you’re the only one who can actually judge me based on my skills.”

Alex wanted to smack him across his face and tell him that he’s not really that good, and that he’s officially out of the band. He doesn’t have any right to judge _anything and anyone_ related o ONE OK ROCK anymore but—but screw his soft-heart for this idiot. He couldn’t say no when there’s this…childish, petulant look on the leader’s face as he waited for his senpai to agree.

 _As if I was even given a choose to say no_. so he did listen, songs after songs until his ears grew tired of the familiar yet so different arrangement. For a moment, he got mad because this man just— _just seized his position in the band_ but stepping back and having a wider perception of the situation—he felt _prid_ e—that this…this young man, who was just the rhythm guitarist before is now asking for his approval, craving for his acknowledgement.

It makes him incredibly happy, you know?

And proud that Toru had grown spectacularly— _strong and straight-forward and calm and cool and better_ —had grown so much over the course of days, over the course of years. He could make any parent proud with that, and Alex felt the same—like a damned proud father on the achievements of his only son.

“It’s good,” he said, after a while, making the younger man slowly look up at him. He looks at him warily, nervously, waiting for elaborate explanations but Alex is not really a man of words, so all he can do was grin and open his arms, “You’ve done a really good job on playing all of them, Toru.”

And then— _and then—_ maybe it’s just my imagination or something—but the stoic, glaring face of the leader shattered for a moment—revealing a relieved, thankful smiling face—

And he looks so young— _so much younger than his age_ —like a lost kid who finally found his way home and that thought struck him more than he had expected. They’re all young—Toru is young—but the responsibility he took among the other band members was so huge. He was like _…like the epitome of a good leader,_ and Alex would definitely miss this little shit.

_Even if he’s ungrateful with all of my advices when it comes to love-related issues._

And speaking of love-related issues—

“I—I,” Toru was stuttering across him, “Taka said that I’m still not good enough, and I never really claimed to be as good as you—but now, now that you actually listened and approved of me, I think, I could finally face the other members and, you know,” his shoulder slumped forward in helplessness, “Show them my improvement? Show them that…that even if you’re gone, _they could still have a guitarist_ —a…reliable guitarist, just like Alex-senpai?”

_Oh, you goddamned—_

Alex tried so hard not to sniffled like a pathetic wuss at that. _Yes,_ Toru had grown spectacularly— _yes_ he had become stronger and better—but at the end of the day, he’s still his oh-so precious kouhai, young and scared and naïve and still feeling this…this need to prove himself worthy of everything and everyone else. Everyone probably looks up at him, gets awed with his sheer determination, but no one would actually see him like this— _fidgeting, unsure, and desperately craving for his upperclassman’s approval._

“I don’t want them to…to think that we could end like this, just with…just with the excuse of losing our lead guitarist,” he continued, while Alex- ‘s heart feels like it’s gonna leap out of his chest any moment from now, “So I have to _push harder_ —,”

Alex snorted, Toru just glared at him.

“—and be better and better, move forward and forward—,”

“That’s a very nice goal, Toru,” he said, finally stretching out his legs before him, “You must always look ahead, go forward— _always and always—_ but you know…” he stared at the blank walls across him, the shelves now void of the countless of manga volumes once filling them, thinking about Taka and Toru’s current relationship. He doesn’t really have anything against it—but given their age—and their passionate, burning hot feelings for each other—these two _would definitely slip,_ definitely mess up, definitely ruin whatever they’re trying to oh-so desperately rebuild right now.

And Alex doesn’t want that.

One fuck up is enough. ONE OK ROCK shouldn’t make another one, shouldn’t deserve another mighty fall like this—never again—

“…you should be prepared to _sacrifice_ something, in order to achieve your dreams,” he seriously said, making the guitarist glanced at him in worry. There was a short silence, before Toru suddenly snorted, giggles escaping his lips as he tried to cover his mouth with a hand.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?!!!”

“You trying to sound like a sage isn’t really Ahahahahaha—,”

“Oh god, I still wanna smack you, you _ungrateful shitty kouhai_ of mine, but—!” he said, in a louder voice, making the younger guitarist to sat up straight, “Listen to me and listen well, Toru, coz this would be the _last time_ you’ll be hearing an advice from me.”

His…his throat clenched at the innocent tilt of the leader’s head, his eyes wide and curious and worried…

“But—,”

“No, no, _don’t look back_ —,” he countered. He knows what Toru would say—like he’s an important person, that the band would missed him or something—, “Never look back—just learn from the lessons and move on. Move on, I won’t mind. Do what you have to do, be better, get bigger, shine brighter—,”

“Alex-senpai—,”

“You’ll face more shits in the future, and getting back on the scene would be harder that when we were making our debut,” he continued, trying hard to ignore how the look of helplessness and stubbornness to let go flashed across the other guitarist’s face, “But you’ll have to pull them all along, pull the band up through your sheer will and always look forward. Never hesitate to make new things, try new stuffs, as long as it’s for the band—,”

“As long as _we like_ what we’re doing—,”

“As long _as it’s for your dreams_ —,” Alex’s lips quivered—oh how he would love to do that too, play the solos and heavy riffs along these wonderful people, watch the crowd go wild with every beat, see how far they could go with their aggressiveness and will to go the Western music scene—but he guesses…this is his stop— _his last stop_ —he needs to get off the bus, and just…watch everyone as they go, move, and reach all of their destinations—all of their dreams. They would, of course, feel sad because Alex would have to go off, but in the long run, they would forget about him too—and it’s okay—because Alex could still watch them, watch this imaginary bus as they went off—farther and farther beyond his reach and sight.

_It’s okay, it’s okay—_

_It’s better this way—_

Move on, _move on—_

But how could he, when every time he would close his eyes, eh could see that small, dimly-lit garage where they used to practice? It belongs to Yu’s family— _dusty and cramped and unused_ —but they settled into it like it’s their second home, practicing after school hours or whenever Toru would want it. They were’ off beat—out of dynamics—back then, Yu just playing for the sake of fame, Ryota couldn’t play properly and Toru struggling to play his guitar— _but it all went fine_ —they did it, survived the shit for two weeks until Toru finally noticed what they lacked—

What they needed—someone who could actually sing and not just…do manly screams.

Then, Mori-chan finally joined—and they suddenly changed—the garage band, a group of stupid teenagers suddenly morphed into something akin to a proper band. They’ve rented studios, practiced at the early hours of the day, when the price is cheaper and the once nameless band finally got its own name.

_ONE OK ROCK._

Just…just hearing the goddamned name would always, always leave a bitter taste of regret and guilty into Alex’s mouth— _that, he’s sure_ —and it would probably take months and even years before he could finally let go. He admits that he’s not the best of the member, always coming late and sometimes prioritizing his modelling works over rehearsals, but his love for the band hasn’t diminished by one bit—and if he would be given another chance— _just one more chance—_

He heaved a deep, deep breath.

“What I was saying is, do it for the band— _do everything for the band,_ and I know that you all would succeed, maybe not now, but in a couple of years—a couple of hardships and compromises and sacrifices here and there and you’ll be there—,”

At the stage _we all wanted to be—_ at the place _we all had dreamed of._

“—I’ll always watch over you silly boys, okay?” he said, smiling at the sniffling form of his kouhai—man, he never thought that the last time he’ll see and talk to the brat would be so emotional like this but whatever—, “ _Reach our dreams, Toru._ I’ll be counting on you…to make it all a reality…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit parts/lines taken from articles and interviews:
> 
>  _"No, I didn’t. Without the lead guitar, the members themselves were worried, right? That’s why I didn’t dare say something and thought I would find a method that would make us better than when we were 5 members. "_  
>  \- Toru, [Musica: September 2012 Toru Interview](http://ryeon.tumblr.com/post/46477062115/musica-september-2012-toru-interview)
> 
>  
> 
> Last 2 chapters gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
> 
> Thanks for reading and staying until now!


	78. Kimi Wo Aishitai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now,  
> Yeah, just now  
> My world has changed from "the world where I can only see you in it"  
> to "the world where there's only you", even so,  
> I want to love you beautifully
> 
> I just want to love you beautifully  
> I still just want to love you  
> I just want to love you  
> I still, still want to love you  
> I still want to love you  
> I still want to love you more"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to the last chapter~! Ah, the Hidden track is so nostalgic! It's the first fic I've ever uploaded~!
> 
> Disclaimer: As much as I want to, OOR is not mine.

Toru has been in a daze for a while now.

They had left Taka’s unit a few days ago. Going into their separate ways to find and improve themselves during their long inactivity. He hard that Alex-senpai has already left the country, going back the States where he was born to start a new life with a blank slate. He couldn’t think of anything to say to their former lead guitarist, so he just sent something like _“thanks for everything and good luck!”_ earlier.

The conversation between him and the half-American has been long finished, but his words were still fresh on Toru’s mind. He can still hear his voice, could still see the look of pure anguish and guilt and regret on the guitarist’s face as he ell Toru to move forward, always forward to reach their dreams. It was…he had never seen his upperclassman like that. Sure he’s a big pain in the ass most of the time, but Alex-senpai never broke down like that.

Well, he didn’t really break down, but the look on his face and the subtle quivering of his voice is enough— _is more than enough_ —signs that he’s breaking down in his own little way. And after that talk, Toru could feel more of the burden— _of the responsibilities_ —resting on his shoulders.

It’s heavy but he’s not complaining.

It’s his job and he wanted _nothing but the best for this band._

So he had messaged everyone, that tomorrow, they should meet at the studio again—their usual studio _at exactly one in the morning_ —so he could show them how he had improved in the past few days he spent locking himself and tirelessly playing guitar, chords after chords.

If…if the band would approve of him, then he’ll be complete— _they’ll finally be completed once more_ —with a vocalist, a drummer, a bassist and a sole guitarist to lead them all. They could finally make songs, make the melodies and create the lyrics—

They could finally work together again, as a brand new ONE OK ROCK and prepare for their comeback— _because we would return, we will not end just like this._

But then, Taka did some random appearing act, suddenly asking him if he could go to his unit because he made extra curry— _the little shit never cooked more than what he can eat, except when he’s expecting someone to eat with him_ —and he doesn’t want to get it wasted or something.

“But,” Toru finally looked up from the curry he’s been silently devouring all this time, “Why didn’t you just called Tomoya?”

“Huh?” Taka blinked out of his dazed—whoah _, why is everyone starting to stare out at nothing like me, these days?!_

“I mean,” he pushed the almost empty plate away, “He could easily eat all of this curry, so why me?”

A look of disbelief and indignation flashed across the vocalist’s face, “If you don’t wanna eat my curry, just fucking say so! It’s not like I’m forcing you to eat it, you dipshit!” he snapped, pushed his chair backwards and went to gather his plates and bowls.

Toru raised an arch at that. Well, that was… _Huuuh,_ what did he do wrong, now?!

He obviously pissed the vocalist off, judging by the violent clanking’s of porcelains in the kitchen. Man, the idiot is probably aggressively washing his dishes like there’s no tomorrow, all while cursing Toru’s ass to the Moon and back _. He’s really sensitive these days, Huuuh?_

He looked down at his plates, his appetite had vanished, the moment the older man had stomped towards the kitchen.

“I’m just asking, you know?!” he yelled, so that the idiot could hear him amidst the clanking of plates and utensils, “You don’t have to be so damned snappy at everything!”

“I used to call you early for dinners and lunches, you know?!” the vocalist screamed back, “You were not complaining back then!”

“I’m not complaining—,”

“Then what?!”

Toru winced at that loud, piercing shout. Maa, he really should duck down and voice any arguments from the vocalist. Maybe he’s on his…. mood swings again? he should be placating him, _not spraying gas to his burning temper._

_Will I be doing this forever; I wonder?_

He groaned and silently stood up, padding towards the kitchen and watched—from the archway—like the total creep he was, as the vocalist put the dishes on the rack, whipping the counter from water and suds, completely unaware of the pair of heavily-lidded eyes shamelessly ogling _his backside._

His back.

His frame—gah. _I was not looking at his ass!_

Taka slightly bended over to reach for another roll of tissue, unconsciously displaying his rear onto Toru’s predator-like eyes. _Ah_ , he mused, _okay, maybe he was looking at his ass. So, what?_

 _Maybe you should go to him and actually comfort him,_ his mind rudely supplied, making him blink out of his lusty stupor, _and not merely ogle him like a creep, ne?_

Oh, he inwardly nodded, _okay then._

He sighed and soundlessly walked— _like a ninja!_ —towards the unsuspecting vocalist, suddenly wrapping his arms around the smaller waist—which is a really, really bad move on his part because gah, what if the vocalist got scared and just elbow him on his face or something—he felt the smaller man flinched, making Toru actually squeeze his eyes shut, not wanting those fingers stabbing his eyes—

But the painful blow didn’t come, and instead—Taka had actually leaned back on his chest, the stiff figure visibly relaxing at the warm comfort of his own body.

_Oh._

Huh, looks like Toru had actually made the right decision _for once._

“I’m sorry,” he said, the words easily rolling off his tongue, as he pressed closer—but still careful not to, you know, let his crotch make contact to the vocalist’s ass, or the little shit would actually elbow his guts for being aroused at the moment, “I was just curious, okay? You were off doing some of your own stuffs these days, and then you called me out of nowhere. It’s just…strange?”

“Well, you’re the one doing your own stuff, locking yourself in your unit for days—,”

_Ouch._

“But it’s okay,” the vocalist’s shoulders sagged in defeat, and Toru doesn’t like that— _no, not at all_ —, “I know it’s for the well-being of the band, and I know that I’m not your priority at the moment—,”

Toru had to take a double take at the…mop of dark hair across his eyes. _Wait, what? What the hell is Taka talking about?_ He would—he would always be his priority—

But somewhere in the back of his mind, Toru couldn’t completely agree to that. After all, didn’t he managed to ignore the vocalist for a few days while they’re staying at his unit? He had spent days and nights plucking and striking away on his guitar, aware but not really reasoning on the meals the man would religiously bring to his room— _the vocalist’s room_ —every time. He ignored the man’s confused, worried glances and the please, the “ _You’re killing yourself like that, Toru-san!”_ every time he would slip into the room.

_And yet you’re saying he’s your priority?_

“—it’s cool, really, and I wouldn’t want it otherwise, it’s just that—that—,” the cold, angry voice dropped into a soft, mellow, and hesitant one. Toru tilted his head, casually dropping his chin over the clothed shoulder, watching the shade of red erupted on the man’s cheeks. And oh did he suddenly got this urge to kiss and lick that flustered skin just a few centimeters away from his lips.

What is it?

“—today’s my birthday, you know?” he said, softly, barely above a whisper but Toru heard it like a fucking bomb dropped right beside his ears—a fucking atomic bomb, so loud and booming—that he snapped back, blinking rapidly when the vocalist turned to look at his bewildered face, “W-what’s wrong?”

It's—

It’s—

“Your birthday?!” he asked, his voice going high for a moment, “What?!”

“I thought you’re dumb _not deaf_ , Toru-san,” the vocalist crossed his arms over his chest, “Besides, weren’t you the one who promised me something—like, what was it again, going to the Hanami—for my birthday?”

“I—uh—,” Toru stuttered, his mind flashing those times—those sweet times all before this shit happened. It seems _so long ago,_ when he promised taka that they would go and watch the Cherry Blossoms for his birthday, even if there would be a shit-ton of allergens that might irritate his throat in the air. He had promised—and yet—and yet—, “I—,”

“You’re busy with the band,” Toru winced, even if the words were said in a soft, forgiving manner, “I know, with all the shits happening around us, I really understand if it slipped out of your mind. You’re the leader, after all.”

His mouth suddenly felt dry at that, the intensity of his mistake crashing on him like a fucking wrecking ball. _Never did he felt so much hurt at being called the leader,_ since he was pushed into that position years ago.

“I’m sorry—,”

“Of course you are,” the vocalist instantly answered, a grin forming on his lips—he doesn’t look like he’s mad anymore, he’s just…there, smiling patiently and cocking his head in a very bossy manner, “But _ano ne,_ you really should make up to me today, okay?”

Oh.

_Ohhhh._

Toru arched a brow at that, his interest piqued at the older’s idea. He tilted his head, mirroring the suggestive look on the man’s face, “Well…” he started, feeling giddy and ridiculous and suspicious all at the same time, “What do you have in mind?”

Taka looked at him, eyes suddenly glowing with mischief, his face turning flushed as he licked his lips in a very non-nervous manner.

 _Oh. That lethal piece of shit,_ Toru groaned.

“I want you to be only mine today, Toru-san,” he said—all of Toru’s blood was rushing down to his groin, making him fail to notice the sudden sadness gleaming on the almond-shaped eyes he had loved so, so much, “We can fuck off our merry ways tomorrow, you can do all the practices tomorrow, but until this day ends—you’re mine—,” there was a short pause, Taka audibly swallowed, “ _Only mine, ne?”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _He was acting weird,_ Toru thought as he smoked another stick of cigarette. They just had a mind-blowing sex all over the house—the dining, the kitchen— _Taka bent over that very same counter_ —and in the living area-the stench of sweat and sex heavy in the air, making Taka angrily huffed his way towards the sliding door leading to the balcony—cladded with just his boxer shorts and dragging the thick blanket behind him. He opened the doors, allowing the cool spring breeze wash away the thick scents inside the unit, filling it with the smell of cherry blossoms and flowers on their full bloom.

Taka, then, excused himself to make something for dinner—it was getting dark after all. And while he’s busy in the kitchen, Toru just padded towards the balcony to smoke a stick or two, his mind wandering towards the weird attitude of the vocalist today.

He’s…

He’s extra emotional today, clinging to Toru for his dear life as they both reached their climaxes—something he’s not complaining about—but there’s also those tears, springing at the corner of his eyes. The touches were _longer,_ Taka’s feminine hands caressing his face, threading through his hair as he stared up at him with wide, glassy eyes. He thought it was just because of ecstasy, of post-coital bliss but when Taka buried his face onto his chest, shaking his head when Toru said that they need to clean up—that’s when he realized that there’s something going on with the older’s mind.

And amidst the gentle, very, _very_ affectionate caresses and gazes, Toru felt himself stiffen—feel this odd sense of _fear_ settling at the pit of his stomach. His senses are screaming at him to go and ask the vocalist on what’s wrong but then—

“Remember—,”

“HOLY FUCK!” Toru didn’t almost screech like a startled girl when the vocalist suddenly popped out of nowhere—now cladded in thick shirts and pants, and was carrying a tray of tea cups. His eyes were wide, the tea almost spilling as he recoiled when Toru almost jumped over the balcony.

“What the fuck,” he spat as he put the tray on the empty floor, “Way to ruin my good intro, Toru-san, really—,”

“Do you want to give me a heart attack to something?!”

“Why would you even have a heart attack?!” Taka rubbed the bridge of his nose and sat on the cold, cold floor, leaning back on the glass door as he gestured for the vocalist to do the same, “Fucking seat over here or I’ll push you off the balcony!”

Toru was sitting at his side in less than 3 seconds. The vocalist made a triumphant huff before he grabbed his cup of tea, blowing the steam off of it and took a sip. Toru watched it all, mesmerized at how calm the older teen is looking right now.

 _It’s like he had found his inner peace_. And Toru was clueless on how he had found it.

“As I was saying before,” Taka said after a short while, “Do you remember the first time we’ve met, Toru-san?”

The guitarist’s brows knitted at that, why is Taka asking all of this questions? Toru wanted to lash out, but he couldn’t—not if Taka’s looking so serene and nostalgic like that.

“How can I forget that?” he mused, his eyes gazing at the dark, dark sky beyond Tokyo’s skyline, “You were…you were singing a Maroon 5 cover…with your band called—uh—uhm— _Cavalry—,”_

“ _Chivalry,_ ” Taka noted, without a hint of annoyance in his voice, “Chivalry of Music, you dumb fuck.”

Toru let out a soft chuckle at that, “Fine. Chivalry of Music, then. Why is your band even named like that?”

“Gaaaah!!!” he screeched, landing a soft punch on his shoulder, “Why are you even focusing on the band’s name! I told you to remember our first meeting, not the…the...cheesy name—,”

“So you _admit_ it’s cheesy—,”

“—of our band! Gah, one more shit about the band and I’ll pour this tea over your ugly head!”

“My head’s not ugly!” he defended, “You told me to cut my hair coz it’s hideous and now that I’ve cut it, you’re still making fun of it!”

Taka crossed his arms, “Well, nobody asked you to dye it blonde, you fucker! I swear, your fashion sucks ass!”

Toru laughed at that, “Says the boy who was gleaming bright when he first went to the rehearsal studio—,”

“That was fashion—,”

“—no wonder why Ryota wanted nothing to do with you!” he snickered, earning an indignant look from the vocalist.

“I’m not gleaming bright!” he denied, “Besides, you were the one who’s sending off bad impression the moment I first saw you! You—you look like a _yankee!_ ”

“What the fuck—,”

“And then—and then you suddenly asked if I was enjoying singing while looking down? The heck?!” Taka said, in an extremely animated voice. He’s not angry, in fact, he looks happy, reminiscent, nostalgic as he recalled the tiny details of their first meeting, “And you even tried to recruit me into your band right there and then! The nerve!”

Toru nodded and smirked, “Well, it did work out fine in the end, right?”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t easy,” Taka scowled, now glaring at the green liquid inside his cup, “There’s a lot of shit that happened after that, until now, and I’m just glad that we’re still all together even after all the hardships we went through—but—,”

_But what?_

He wanted to ask, but glancing at Taka—the vocalist has already stared off at something far, far away. His red lips are parted open, before he bit onto the lower plump ones.

_But what, Takahiro?_

There’s this sudden pain in his chest again, and he desperately wanted to wash it away. So he raised a hand, and gently cup the flustered face, his thumb caressing the apple of his cheek. He watched as Taka’s eyes zoomed at him, clearing up in an instant before an ear-to-ear grin split across his lips.

“What’s wrong?” he softly asked and Toru wanted to smack him at the back of his head for asking that—what’s wrong? _What’s wrong?! Aren’t I’m the who’s supposed to be asking that to you?!_ But he didn’t voice them out because he was scared— _scared that Takahiro would say something_ that would break his heart, that Toru would ask something stupid that would ruin this wonderful, peaceful moment, so he just licked his parched lips, looking at the plump pair across him before staring at Taka’s glistening eyes.

“Can I kiss you?”

…

…

Taka dumbly stared up at him, he can see the internal debate going on the man’s head and he wonders— _he wonders if that_ —that small moment of _hesitation_ , that _small pause_ could mean something— _something that will utterly destroy the both of them_ —before the vocalist indulgently smiled, putting the cup down to clutched on his shirt with both of his hands, fingers curling at the fabric as he pulled him closer in invitation—and they _kissed._

But the kiss wasn’t like the others—usually, there was a gradual build-up, like the start of a fire— _a spark_ —before their passions burst into living flames, devouring each of them as they once again familiarize with every dip of their lips, with every flicks of their tongue, with every nook and cranny of each other’s mouth. The _raw, animalistic urge_ to just get out of their clothes were not present at the moment, there was no rush, there was no blinding desire, there was no numbing want for release—

They kissed— _slow and sensual_ —seeking each other’s, parting oh so quickly for a breath, before leaning close into another lip lock. It was pleasurable, Toru’s lips tingling with sensations as he tilted his head, angling it to properly kiss the vocalist, and the soft moans coming from the man should’ve give him this feeling of triumph swelling with him but no—

There was pleasure, there was love.

He can feel that Taka is treasuring, caring for him and loving him and yet—

There’s also this odd sense—this feeling that Taka is… _that Taka is saying goodbye to him—_

No, no, that won’t do—

He won’t allow it—Taka can’t—

_You can’t do this to me—_

He growled, grabbing Takahiro at the back of his head, deepening the kiss and earning a startled gasp from the vocalist as he bit his lip, plundering his mouth with his usual aggressiveness. Taka laughed, puffs of air escaping his lips as Toru’s lips glided over the corner of his mouth, down his jaw and the column of his neck.

“Easy, Toru-san,” he breathlessly said, looking up at the dim lights above them, “We can’t fuck out here—,”

“Then, _bed,_ ” he groaned, standing up and pulling Takahiro along with him—the vocalist laughing as they raced toward s the bedroom. The cups filled with green tea left lying on the floor, _forgotten._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No references for this one coz lol, this is just...a shit of mine, ne? Please remember that the ending of DREAMERS has long been written. Probably late January and early February of 2018, and I'm not gonna change it because Taka can't be dating girls when he's dating Toru-san at that time. SPOIIIILEEEEER ohohohohoho
> 
> but anyways, what are your thoughts about the last chapter? How do you think this will end, even if it's already obvious? And do you think, Taka's action is justifiable or what? 
> 
> Please tell me gaaaaaah and thanks for reading! Until the last one~!


	79. KANZEN KANKAKU DREAMER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"If I express the Japanese song title Kanzen kankaku Dreamer only in English, the title would simply be "Dreamer" ('Kanzen kankaku’ means perfect sense). It’s a song expressing how we’ll fuse our feelings to chase our dreams, and we will use our power to get something and we’ll go ahead, so this song is really rock."_
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> \- Taka, [An Interview with Taka from ONE OK ROCK, 2010](http://www.jame-world.com/us/articles-60789-an-interview-with-taka-from-one-ok-rock.html)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter! It's obvious that I took the title of this fic from Kanzen Kankaku Dreamer, or Dreamer, but it also represents the OOR's status during this era, for me, ne? After starting the band, they yearned for more, longed for bigger places and actually build up their dreams. It's shitty but gaaah I think it fits so well. This marks the end of the 2nd part of the series, it was originally planned to be kind of trilogy-Reason, Dreamers, and Ambitions (I dunno but this is my tentative title for that, where their dreams turned into Ambitions or something)--but I will not push the 3rd part anymore coz, yeah, I'm tired. Exhausted. Burning out.
> 
> So, you don't have to read the long ass notes at the end of the story, please just know THAT I'M REALLY GRATEFUL FOR EVERYONE WHO HAD STAYED, RIGHT FROM THE VERY FIRST, VERY SHORT CHAPTER OF REASON UNTIL NOW GAAAAAAH Thank you so so so fucking much. It was an honor, and a pleasure to know that people actually enjoyed the shit, and I hope that you'll continue supporting the authors and artists dedicating their time and effort, sometimes tears and emotional well-being for ToruKa~!
> 
> and so, let's end this shit, ne?
> 
> I'll definitely miss all of you~!
> 
> Disclaimer: ONE OK ROCK will never be mine.

_It can’t end like this…_

“Toru-san… _Toru…_ ” Taka said, voice barely above a whisper which made Toru’s heart beats wildly beneath his chest. Those words…the way Taka uttered those words, uttered his name, is so different that he had to glance at the vocalist sprawled on the wide bed.

To his surprise, Taka was not on his back anymore. The flustered and totally debauched look on his face just a few moments ago were gone and replaced by this…this sudden seriousness that it makes Toru’s blood crawl within his veins.

He had admitted a couple— _heck_ —a thousand of times already, that the vocalist is so adorable, so cute and so full of youthful features that it’s easy to mistake him for a middle school student but now—staring at the sitting form across him, glancing at those deep obsidian eyes, the full, kiss-swollen lips set in a thin, firm line and jaws clenched tightly—Toru felt like he’s looking at a _completely different person._

Never before did Taka look _so serious._

Never before did Taka look _so manly._

And then, there’s this sudden pain slicing right through his chest, squeezing the beating muscle in there into bloody pieces. _It hurts_ …it hurts because Taka suddenly changed, suddenly grew up from the boy he oh-so cherished to the completely unfamiliar man perched on his bed right now.

Taka must’ve seen the curious and confused look on his tired eyes because he started fidgeting, but didn’t avert his gaze. He stood his stance, like how a real man would in front of his enemies.

_Enemies?_

_Aren’t we…aren’t we lovers?_

“I’ve thought about this…” he started, but Toru already wants to gag him, stop him from talking—there’s still a few moments before midnight, before Taka’s birthday ends—there’s still a few minutes where he’s Taka’s, _only his so_ —, “…long and hard,” the vocalist continued, gulping a few times. His _nervous, yet trying fuck hard to be strong_ façade is gripping around Toru’s heart like a fucking mouse trap. He might be dumb, and this might be his first ever relationship but he knows—he had watched enough movies to know that this line…this is the usual line used when… _when…_

Someone’s breaking up.

_Taka’s breaking up from you._

Toru gasped at that thought, _no, no, fucking no—_

“It’s hard and all, but as things are going…this…this whatever between us, it will just be a hindrance and a nuisance to our dreams, right?” those almond-shaped eyes were wide with helplessness, like for the first time, Taka is at lost for the words that for the first time— _the loud, very vocal Morita Takahiro doesn’t know how to express himself._

And what’s worse is that, Toru found himself in the very same predicament. He wanted to say something— _anything_ —but his mouth felt like someone had stuffed a shit-ton of cotton in there. it feels so dry. So useless like his brain at the moment—he wants to speak, say no to Taka, tell him that they shouldn’t make hasty decisions while they’re drowning in self-despair and while being crushed by this immense pressure of bringing—of holding—the band together. He wants, god knows Toru wants to tell that vocalist that everything would be alright—

That they would be alright.

But how can he, when Taka’s jaws are clenched tightly—his nimble fingers were shakily fisting the sheets as if his entire life depended on it and his eyes— _gods, his eyes._

There’s a terrified look on the bright almond-shaped eyes—they’re scared, dark with trauma of his past, haunted by the publicity nightmares and issues he had experienced.

But…but at the same time, they were hard, focused—burning with unspeakable passion and determination as if he didn’t just utter the words that toru never imagined himself to be hearing from his vocalist.

Breaking up with Takahiro _has never been an option before_. Yes, they fight like fuck and try to avoid killing each other and ruining the band, but in the end, they always gravitate towards each other—like there’s _an invisible string_ wrapped around them, pulling them together when they’re straying so far. He couldn’t…he couldn’t really see a future without the vocalist by his side, couldn’t imagine a future without loving, _without touching, without him as his lover—_

“Let’s break up,” Taka dropped that in a steely low voice, making Toru’s eyes squeeze in pain. He wonder…how Taka can say that aloud with a _straight face,_ just right after they shared a passionate moment a few minutes ago—not even giving Toru the chance, not even giving him enough time to think and retaliate _and disagree,_ “It’s not like I…I wanted to do this, Toru-san— _Toru—_ ,” he repeated, the absence of the honorific after his name is like a vice-grip on his chest, like saying goodbye to a pathetic pet name the vocalist has used over the years for him—as he looked down on the sheets pooling on his lap, “It’s not like I’ve fallen out of love with you, god knows how I…I…”

_Stop._

Toru’s eyes glazed over with unshed tears. He couldn’t take this anymore. Taka had always been like this—self-centered bastard with a mood swinging like a fucking pendulum. He says what he wants, _wherever and whenever he wanted_ to and Toru has been a complete idiot for letting him do as he pleases.

_A big fucking moron for spoiling their vocalist rotten._

Look where it led them. It was so tragic and hilarious all at the same time that he wanted to just…laugh out loud at the stupidity of this situation. What about the promises they’ve made?

_Are you shitting me?_

_If you love me, then why are you doing his?! Why are you deciding for the both of us without even asking me if it’s fine, if I’m fine with it?!_

Anger welled up in Toru’s chest— _harsh and cruel_ —as he silently seethed on his spot at the edge of the bed. He feels so ho and it has nothing to do with post-coital bliss, really.

_How dare you—_

_How dare you, you selfish, son of a bitch?!_

But—

But despite all the swirling emotions of hurt and betrayal and disbelief within his chest, Toru couldn’t voice out his thoughts aloud. He couldn’t and instead, merely stared at the quivering form of their vocalist. He feels empty and filled to the brim, all at the same time, and Taka probably took his silence, his dead, cold silence as a sign to continue.

“I still love you…” Taka whispered, eyes wide and glassy with tears, “And I…I think I will, _until the last day of my life._ ”

Instead of being cherished, those words felt like hot knives piercing right through his chest at that moment. The room was dark and cold, silently listening to their soft breathings, watching as two persons who dearly loved each other crumbled into pieces.

“You… _you…_ ”

Torus swallowed— _hard_ —as Taka’s soft hands raised themselves, reaching to reached his feverish cheeks into their warm confines. His heavily-lidded eyes met those almond-shaped ones, staring right through Taka’s very soul without blinking, without relenting.

“You’re my _savior…_ ” he lisped, and Toru could feel those warm hands shaking, shivering all around his cheeks, “…my leader, my rock, my pillar— _you’re my everything_ , Toru-san, so I know, more than anyone else, all the burden resting on your shoulders right now…”

Toru suddenly felt at lost at that unexpected turn of events… _what?_

“Now that Alex’s gone, you’ve become our sole guitarist, our composer, our leader and—and—,” Taka took a deep, deep, deep breath before speaking again, “and dealing with our personal life—our relationship— _is the last thing you needed, right_?” he peered up at him, “Right?”

Wrong.

Wrong.

_You’re wrong._

_You just want to be free from me—to date girls without feeling guilty—you just want to cut all of our ties so you can be free! Not the other way, around!_

_Are you blind?!_

Can’t Taka see— _can’t you fucking see—_ that this is all I have right now? That this personal life—this relationship, you’re _oh-so ready to throw away_ -is the only thing that had rooted Toru, grounded him all throughout the fucking tempest they went through? And Taka wanted _to abolish, to destroy, to cut it all off?!_

For what?

Toru had never felt so angry, so humiliated, so betrayed in his entire life.

How can Taka say all of those things like…like he’s expecting Toru to just wake up tomorrow morning, _not missing_ the warmth at his side, _not missing_ the comfortable weight of Taka’s arms and legs wrapped around his own limbs, _not craving_ for healthy meals and chastises about his diet. How could Taka say that as if he doesn’t care about the laughter’s, the sweet words they’ve spoken to each other? As if he doesn’t give a fuck to the countless of times they’ve fallen— _hard and fast onto the ground_ —but still stood up together, hands interlinked together? How can Taka say that, as if they didn’t just share months and months of being together, of adoring each other and wanting nothing but the best for each other? _How can he say that, as if Taka’s hoping that Toru would open his eyes, breathe a little and just stop…loving and caring for the vocalist?_

_Is this because I couldn’t take him out to the Hanami?_

Because there’s still time—maybe if he could google enough, he could find a few places where the cherry blossoms are still in full bloom— _even if it’s night—yozakura_ would be nice and pretty in _Meguro-ka_ —He could, Toru could still—

He would just dress up, dress Takahiro up and rag him there and just…just…

_What for?_

Was it even worth trying for? When Taka has already set his decision on stones? Was there even a _chance to say no_ , in the first place? Why is Taka so keen on destroying him?

And as if reading his very thoughts, the vocalist spoke again.

“It’s for the band— _it’s for our future, for our dreams_ ,” he said, enunciating every word spoken, “If we’re free, if we’re not together, if we’re back to how we are before… _before this_ …it would be easier, everything would be easier, ne, Toru-sa— _Toru?_ ”

Toru blankly stared at the vocalist.

His mind is destroying itself and slowly—oh-so, painstakingly slowly building it up all over again. _Dreams._ Right. Their dream to get big in Japan and play in a foreign stage in the west—Europe, America—wherever fate would bring their band.

 _The band._ Right. They couldn’t afford to get more rumors about their leader and the vocalist dating—fucking—each other. _Their future._ Right. It wasn’t just his and Taka’s future staked on the line here—it also includes Tomoya’s and Ryota’s—the staff, the stakeholder’s—their families—and as the leader, Toru had to make his best damned sure that they will not fail one more time, _that they will not fall._

Even at the expense of his heart.

Even at the expense of _his love for Takahiro._

And suddenly, the sound of Alex-senpai’s words hit his ears, the words repeatedly pounded into his head.

_“…you should be prepared to sacrifice something, in order to achieve your dreams,”_

Toru wanted to laugh— _and laugh he did_ —tears came to his eyes as he kept on chuckling at those vague words—now Alex-senpai’s words make sense, now Taka’s decisions make sense—

_“Never hesitate to make new things, try new stuffs, as long as it’s for the band—,”_

Uncontrollable laughter wracked his entire frame as the mist clouding his sense of judgment dispersed at that very moment, baring the harsh reality that he must face; showing the heartache he must endure; paving the way to a more controlled future.

Takahiro is right.

Takahiro has _always been right._

Taka looked up at him in worry, his teeth biting that plump, kiss-swollen lower lip as he anxiously waited for Toru’s answer, for Toru’s reaction—waiting anything coming from him—

_The band is always the priority._

How can he forget that small yet so important fact, he asked himself, as the memories of their earlier days flashed through his mind—the days when no one could actually play the instruments decently, the days they’ve spent rehearsing at Yu’s garage, the first time they’ve entered a studio, the times when Toru was still personally booking their gigs, personally handing out their cards to the club owners—their first live, their first EP’s, their first festival, their first Monster Bash performance, their first single, their first album— _every fucking day of his fucking life since he started this band._

How can he forget all those times—all those mistakes, the sad, the frustrating and the happy times which came along with it? How can he forgot those childish dreams, buying and MTR without any knowledge about it, blindly buying plane tickets just to play in New York with their sheer enthusiasm? How can he stray his eyes away from their path, so easy, so carelessly, just because of this…this suffocating feeling called _love?_

_“You must always look ahead, go forward—always and always— “_

A small keening between laughing gulps shocked him, and still, Toru couldn’t stop. Not when another followed, or when the small gasps that followed began to _sound like sobs more than a laughter._ He froze, swallowing the painful lump in his throat and stared back at Taka—his lips clamped tight, pulled down in a frown, face unreadable to look strong and calm.

Loving…

_Loving Taka was bliss._

Being loved by Taka was _pure heaven._

_“do it for the band—do everything for the band—,”_

But he feels like he’s being thrown out of the heavens, falling to the open ground, fast and hard—making him realize that…that loving each other is _not enough anymore—_

That their love won’t bring the band the success they’ve been aiming for. It wouldn’t make them reach new heights, attract more listeners. It wouldn’t lead them to arenas, to Tokyo Dome, to Europe, to the Americas.

 _It will just be a hindrance_ , exactly what Taka had said and goddamned that midget and Alex-senpai for seeing things ahead of him! He sighed, gulping the tears down and raised his hand, returning the caress on the vocalist’s cheek without actually saying anything. He inwardly celebrated when Taka nuzzled his palm, rubbing his flushed cheeks on Toru’s calloused fingers.

_I won’t be able to touch you like this anymore…_

He felt a twinge of pain slicing though his heart at that the thought that…that this would be the last time he could do this—that this will be the last time he can touch him like this because—

_“Never look back—just learn from the lessons and move on. Move on, I won’t mind. Do what you have to do, be better, get bigger, shine brighter—,”_

Because Toru had learned his lesson.

He had decided, right at that very moment. From now on, he will be the strict, stern, ever-ambitious leader that everyone is needing—pushing—him to be. From now on, he will be the stoic, focused, goal-driven and reliable leader that everyone could rely on to. He will be the calculative, the thoughtful, the quiet and observing Yamashita Toru that will _complement_ to the brash, impulsive, cheeky Morita Takahiro.

_“As long as it’s for your dreams—,”_

He smiled— _finally smiled_ — a small, impressed smile that has been so different with all the smiles he had pulled in his entire life. It was cold, mysterious, and more like a forced than ever before. He knows, he can feel Taka’s worried, confused stares at him but fuck if he actually cares.

He needs to change.

He needs to adapt,

He needs to move forward.

Forward.

_Towards their dreams._

_Because we couldn’t afford to remain as dreamers forever. We don’t have all the time in the world to frolic, to play around, to need something as trivial as love._

“T-toru—,”

So no matter how betraying, no matter how crushing, how painful it felt—no matter how much he needs to change—no matter how difficult it would be _, he would do it._

“You’re right,” he finally responded in a soft, raspy voice, as his lips slowly formed a lazy smile, “Let’s stop this. For the band—,”

He should’ve seen the flash of disappointment, of hurt, _of regret, of confusion,_ of disbelief on Taka’s wide, almond-shaped eyes—he’s too busy reigning all of his whirling emotions within him—before the vocalist immediately masked it with a bright— _albeit obviously strained_ —grin on his face.

“R-right?! F-for the band,” he rasped out, voice cracking, “We’re gonna do it for the band, for our dreams, na, Toru? Ne?”

Hai,” Toru smiled, ruffling Taka’s hair as his eyes hooded with something akin to perpetual boredom— _much like how his face would be, in the years to come_ —,

 

 

 

“ _Everything for our dreams,_ Taka.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Six months after that, ONE OK ROCK resumed its activities, embarking on a nationwide tour, known as the Overcome Emotion Tour. A few weeks later, their single Kanzen Kankaku Dreamer was released, skyrocketing their fame, and paving the solid path for their dreams.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, almost at the same time when I finished Reason last year, I finally managed to post the last chapter for DREAMERS. This shit would hit it’s first anniversary in the second week of January, but there would be no more specials for that.  
> Back when I was starting to write the fic (Reason), I was already aware that this would come to end, because you know—life is a bitch. Just kidding. It’s actually because I know that these are merely fantasies, ne? That no matter how much we see ToruKa, in the end, they would probably settled down with a girl in the future, because, reality.  
> For over a year, I’ve gained a lot of experience throughout writing the fics. I could still remember the first few comments I’ve got, then the usual ones, and the newer ones who arrived in ao3 in the recent weeks. I’m grateful to all of you. I’ve also met a lot of people! People from other parts of the world who gave me so much to learn and be thankful for.  
> Writing also gave me the will to go back to drawing. As I was saying to the few close ones, I’ve stopped doing everything I enjoyed before—and sadly, that includes sketching and drawing. It’s been too long, since I’ve been proud of my works, and you guys made me feel like those arts were worth sharing after all.  
> Thank you for the people who pushed my back, who told me to just post them. I was always thinking something like, “there’s already a shit ton of better arts in IG, so why would I bother to post mine?” I hope that you would also do the same, believe in yourself (don’t trust my words, I have self-confidence issues too, a massive one at that), and to the people who believes in you. To the people who’s hesitant on starting to write or draw, please, please JUST DO IT. DO IT.  
> While I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and tastes, I hope that you would search deeper into the bright smiles of our boys, see their past and understand the root of all of their dreams. See that they, too, are humans hence why they are portrayed as awkward, nothing-near-perfect beings in this fic. They’re scared too, they hurt too, they feel anxious and inferior too—but they dream—and they’re ready to give and do everything for it, just like how we would do for our goals.  
> I hope that the new readers who might stumble upon this fic in the future would understand why Taka seems to be like that, how their bond was formed and forged, and why they are so keen on going to the Western Music scene. I hope that you would be kinder, more open, and understanding to the band and to your fellow fans.  
> To be honest, I’ve lost all of my toruka shits as early as the Asian Tour this 2018, but I’ve already started DREAMERS and there’s the dome tour to fuel the urge to write, and every time the boys would update, I’m scared that it’ll be about their marriage or something—and that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to finish the fics.  
> But, December came and we’re finally on the last one. I was so fucking tired, but I keep on doing this, not to torture myself but to have a sense of completion at the end—that I could finish something I’ve started. Ao3 has been my sanctuary for months, my secret place where I can be free, when my emotions can be written into words, where everyone is hyped for new toruka fics.  
> It was nice.  
> But along the way, I got too tired, ne? Too fucking tired. Sometimes, writing becomes a burden when it should be my form of release. Of relaxation. And along the way, I’ve met really shitty people—oh and I would never ever forget the times that I had to rush into the bathroom and break down because of a stupid, god-forsaken, motherfucking dumb page. With this incident, I hope that everyone would learn something—that it’s not easy to create, to write, to draw, and it’s not fair that you would have to beg for the credits you oh-so deserve. Please respect them, please support all the artists and writers and content-creators—pleas respect the time and tears and effort and love they poured in every works they publish. Credit if you can, if the owner expresses his thoughts, respect it. It was his work. His.  
> So yeah, this is finally ending. Thank you for everyone who was here from the first chapter, to those who just discovered the shit in the past few months.  
> I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do.  
> I hope that you’ve loved them as much as I do.  
> I hope that you’ve learn something, as much as I did.  
> I hope that you’ll support the other writers and artists and creators too in the future, coz really, they deserve so much better.  
> Kudos to everyone, and thanks for a wonderful year! If things are doing great, maybe I could write one or two in the future, but no promises hohohoho. But fanarts may come coz you can’t really ignore the itch to sketch something mouuu.  
> Until we all meet again!  
> -TORUKAisJUSTICE


	80. EPILOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last one! Finally!
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> Disclaimer: OOR is not and will never be mine.
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> See you next time~!

Taka hummed, trying to ignore the gnawing fits of nervousness attacking his system. This is the biggest show they would hold after months of being inactivate, the largest crowd they would perform with since their debut.

_What if they won't accept us?_

_What if changed, not for the better but actually for the worst?_

_What if our songs, our messages and beats were not enough to pump up the crowd?_

_What if they would judge us, judge me, for all the shits that came along with my name?_

_What if, instead of regaining our footing, we would just crash down?_

It scared him, the adrenaline rushing through his veins were not enough to make his madly beating heart to stay still. It was furious, it was raging, and deep inside him, he knows that there's only one thing—one person who can alleviate this...sense of doubt, this immense feeling of inferiority...

There's only one person who would notice how his fingers were shaking, there's _only person_ who would tell him to look forward, and sing—sing confidently, Takahiro.

"Taka."

He bolted off his seat over the couch, noticing that the once lively dressing room is now empty—silent and dimly lit—except for him and the guitarist standing on the threshold, one brow arched in confusion.

_Toru._

Taka blinked and sheepishly grinned, "What is it?"

The guitarist eyed him, a long silence stretching between them before he finally responded, "You look out of it as fuck. We only have ten more minutes before the start of the show," and with a softer voice, the leader added, "Are you alright?"

Taka gulped, at the gentle tone the guitarist has adapted. He greatly misses the leader—but he won’t say that aloud, not in front of him, not in front of anyone else— _misses_ him when he wakes up every morning, _misses_ him when he prepared extra set of meals, _unconsciously, of course_ , _misses_ him when goes around the town and goes to Music Shops to listen and look out for new songs. He misses him at nights, early mornings after their practices, misses him when he’s back in his own unit— _cold and alone._

His entire being practically screams for the guitarist but Taka would always shake those feelings away—telling himself that the guitarist is probably feeling the same. Even if he’s been focused on how much he misses Toru, he wouldn’t bury the idea that the leader misses him just as much, but he’s desperately trying to reign his own longing for the vocalist for the well-being of their band.

So Taka had learned how to muster all the crushing feeling of guilt and overwhelming craving for the _man’s touch, the man’s scent, the man’s body against his_ —because every pang of loneliness reminds him that if someone, if anyone finds out their relationship, they could all kiss their careers and dreams goodbye.

“I’m fine,” he said, gasping when the guitarist sighed and padded towards his seat, kneeling on the floor beside him and stared at him with his huge, exasperated eyes.

“ _Uso_ ,” he softly said, reaching out to caressed Taka’s face. No—he tried to get away—but it was too late.

The heat from that single, small point of contact rushes straight through him, and Taka missed it more than he could ever probably realized. It hurts…Toru— _Toru-san_ —he whined as he pathetically clings on that term of endearment for the leader— _It fucking hurts—_

Calloused hand slides at the curve of Taka’s jaws, steady fingers tangling in his now longer hair, and Takahiro’s eyes go round as the motherfucking saucers as the small distance between their faces dwindles. Taka’s breath became uneven—hot and bothered by the man’s sudden actions. They had agreed to never do this, they had agreed to pull away, but how— _but how could they resist_ when every fiber of their beings is singing for the others to come closer, press deeper, and _come home—just fucking come home—_

Toru pulls him in, his head tilting sideways as he brings their lips together in a soft, gentle manner—flashes of their countless kisses flooded his mind, their bodies entangled with each other above the sheets, the scent of Toru all around him, and the laughter’s and moans and grunts, _the pain and the tears_ —and before he could realize it, Taka is already jerking away from the touch he had craved so much in the past few months.

“No,” he exhaled, standing up, tilting his head as he watched the guitarist scrunched up his nose in an amused manner, standing on his feet, just a few inches away from Taka, “ _Uso-jana_ i.”

Toru arched, lazily and slowly, a brow at that, before his lips—god, why do his lips looks so fucking good and inviting and oh-so kissable—right now?!

“Sure, Taka,” he said, “Whatever you say. But let’s go out, I bet the two are already climbing the walls in excitement for the show.”

Taka nodded, his lips still tingling with that short, tempting kiss as he followed the man towards the dark corridor to the back stage. He could see the familiar faces of the staffs, could hear Tomoya and Ryota’s hyper and high-pitched voices— _the voices he hasn’t heard for a few months now_ —and he can see, from his spot behind the equipment’s, the microphone stand perched in the middle of the stage.

A mic is in there, wrapped with the bright red packaging tape that he had bought from the nearest _kombini_ on their way here because it reminds him so much of the light sabers in that movie that he and Toru had watched a long, long time ago. He first had an idea about it since the studio they're using for rehearsals has a red mic with a red cord.

It makes him comfortable, makes him strong, makes him feel like he’s _wielding a weapon to fight everything._

“You really did that red saber thingy, huh? You don't have to worry...with the kind of voice you have, you can definitely do anything,” Toru muttered beside him, watching as Tomoya went out the stage, the crowd cheering for him before he started beating on his drums with wild, animalistic passion. There were screams and claps and cheers but amidst the noise coming from everywhere around them, he could still ear the leader’s soft voice—before he put the guitar on his shoulder, patting his hair and going out on the bright spot of the stage— _tells him the words he oh-so needed to hear at the moment—_

 

 

 

“Don’t look down,” he said, “Look forward..."

 

 

 

 

 _"...Sing._ ”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

END

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it. Really. Haaaaah.
> 
> Last facts you probably all know:
> 
> - _“I like Star Wars. Actually, I really like Light Saber (Lasor Sword). In the meantime, during the rehearsal in the studio, it’s also the red one, though. So, I feel that if I use it on the stage, it can help me feeling more relaxing while performing.”_  
>  -Taka,  
> [ONE OK ROCK EXCLUSICE INTERVIEWING – INTO THE PIT MAGAZINE, JANUARY 2014](http://summerwrapbit.tumblr.com/post/74589634484/translation-one-ok-rock-exclusive-interviewing)
> 
> -And Taka said Toru would often give him pep talks: "You can do it! With the kind of voice you have, you can definitely do it!" - Japan Dome Tour, MC, from @rockandpinkmix on twitter.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> Keep on reaching your dreams and live. _Live on._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading~!


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